I keep trying to think of something to write about, but every single time I sit down in front of my computer all I see is a wall of seething, impotent anger.
I see the spineless, selfish, bits of flotsam that are trying to pass themselves off as human in Washington slowly dismantling everything that makes my country great.
I see the Orange Turd Who Would Be King golfing yet again on my goddamn dime while his cronies spit on decency to further enrich themselves on the backs of hardworking Americans.
I see, I hear, and I seethe.
I watch hatred run rampant and unchecked. Anybody not white, male, and Christian is vilified- And sweet Dog help you if you even suggest to these poor souls that they're not, in fact, the victims in this farce.
I turn on the boob tube to see more and more people lying broken and bloodied because some Second Amendment Ammosexual has unleashed terror (but they won't call him a terrorist, that designation is apparently only fit for brown people).
I take a knee with Colin Kaepernick (sorry if I spelled your name wrong, man) and suddenly I hate the military, my country, the flag, a song, and probably apple pie (despite the fact that I was Regular Army and I LOVE apple pie).
There's a lunatic with his fat, stupid, finger poised over the figurative Shiny Red Button of Doom.
And I. Just. Can't.
I'm so tired, and angry, and terrified.
How the hell can I think of kinky fun times when I'm wondering what dose of iodine tablets is safe for a five month-old? Is there a safe dose? When that disgusting, pompous, immature, POS finally pisses off the wrong guy...
I hate this.
Sorry to get political on you all.
Sunday, November 26, 2017
Monday, September 4, 2017
Where Life Came At Us At Warp 9.8
Wow.
It's been well over a year since I last posted.
A lot has happened.
Like, A LOT a lot.
We moved, again.
We're neighbors with my mom (whose wifi I'm currently using).
She's getting older and was lonely and our lease was going to be up soon, so we figured "Why not?
Also- and the biggest reason to move- we had a baby.
Yep.
Well, I had a baby, but Cookie had something to do with it (and IMO, it was totally his fault. He was the one who wanted to scromp. I just wanted to go to bed because I'd been driving all damn day).
It was rather unexpected. I thought I was done. I'd been saying I was done for years. My eldest is 16 and the twins are 11 and... Yeah. Surprise baby.
So there's that.
But, I have internet again and I can type on something other than my idiotic smart phone, so I'll be around.
Yay?
It's been well over a year since I last posted.
A lot has happened.
Like, A LOT a lot.
We moved, again.
We're neighbors with my mom (whose wifi I'm currently using).
She's getting older and was lonely and our lease was going to be up soon, so we figured "Why not?
Also- and the biggest reason to move- we had a baby.
Yep.
Well, I had a baby, but Cookie had something to do with it (and IMO, it was totally his fault. He was the one who wanted to scromp. I just wanted to go to bed because I'd been driving all damn day).
It was rather unexpected. I thought I was done. I'd been saying I was done for years. My eldest is 16 and the twins are 11 and... Yeah. Surprise baby.
So there's that.
But, I have internet again and I can type on something other than my idiotic smart phone, so I'll be around.
Yay?
Friday, January 8, 2016
the black hole of no real Internet access.
So, we moved. It sucked, but having a new lair is pretty great.
What's not great? Our super brilliant decision to not have cable or Internet (except what the phones get). Is not too terrible, we do spend a lot more time together actually doing things instead of starting at netflix, but it does have one massive drawback for me-
any time I want to write something online I have to use my idiotic phone (smart phone my sweet aunt fanny). And my phone really doesn't like blogger. And I hate trying to swipe my way through more than 160 characters...
which means I'm not writing anything online.
or much of anything. I am writing this. But that's just so that nobody thinks I've keeled over or that I've abandoned my blog or that the dog's have staged a coup.
Meh.
What's not great? Our super brilliant decision to not have cable or Internet (except what the phones get). Is not too terrible, we do spend a lot more time together actually doing things instead of starting at netflix, but it does have one massive drawback for me-
any time I want to write something online I have to use my idiotic phone (smart phone my sweet aunt fanny). And my phone really doesn't like blogger. And I hate trying to swipe my way through more than 160 characters...
which means I'm not writing anything online.
or much of anything. I am writing this. But that's just so that nobody thinks I've keeled over or that I've abandoned my blog or that the dog's have staged a coup.
Meh.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Moving & Cookie's "Dom Name"
We are getting an new lair! This is very exciting business, especially when you consider the state of the current lair (falling apart) and the complete and utter shittiness of our 2 heinous neighbors (affectionately referred to as "Skunk Weed" and "Ghetto Blaster").
Of course all this "ZOMG! We're moving back to civilization" (we're kind of in BFE now) is tempered by the fact that I now have to go through 6 years of accumulated stuff and figure out what I like enough to want to move it and what is getting pitched or sold.
My stuff? That's easy. I don't get attached to things. I've boxed up SUV loads of stuff to sell. I have one single, solitary box of "important stuff" that I can't bear to part with thus far.
Cookie?
Cookie is a completely different story.
Cookie has 4 big boxes of nerf guns. He has 3 big boxes of "I'm going to make something out of these broken things" stuff. He has random odds and ends... All of which (so far) take up HALF OF THE SPARE BEDROOM.
Ugh. I'm gonna boop Cookie right over his silly, hoarding Man Head.
Which moves me along to the next point of business: Cookie's Dom Name.
I was snorting to myself over the online Domly Dom names on Fet.
Master Dark Lord
Lord Shadow Raven
Sir Evil Knight Snake Fang
You know, super serious "look at how dark and scary and strict and scary I am" sorts of names. So I pointed out to Cookie that "Cookie" wasn't exactly a Twue Domly Dom name and he should pick something that didn't bring shame to his submissive online. He pondered for a few minutes, gave me the look, and then announced:
...
...
"My Dom name is Steve."
*sigh*
And, go figure, "Steve's" first Domly Dictate is that he should get TWO closets in the new lair for his useless do-dads, leaving me (and all of our joint home stuff, coats, shoes, clothes with a measly closet and a half).
BOOP!
Of course all this "ZOMG! We're moving back to civilization" (we're kind of in BFE now) is tempered by the fact that I now have to go through 6 years of accumulated stuff and figure out what I like enough to want to move it and what is getting pitched or sold.
My stuff? That's easy. I don't get attached to things. I've boxed up SUV loads of stuff to sell. I have one single, solitary box of "important stuff" that I can't bear to part with thus far.
Cookie?
Cookie is a completely different story.
Cookie has 4 big boxes of nerf guns. He has 3 big boxes of "I'm going to make something out of these broken things" stuff. He has random odds and ends... All of which (so far) take up HALF OF THE SPARE BEDROOM.
Ugh. I'm gonna boop Cookie right over his silly, hoarding Man Head.
Which moves me along to the next point of business: Cookie's Dom Name.
I was snorting to myself over the online Domly Dom names on Fet.
Master Dark Lord
Lord Shadow Raven
Sir Evil Knight Snake Fang
You know, super serious "look at how dark and scary and strict and scary I am" sorts of names. So I pointed out to Cookie that "Cookie" wasn't exactly a Twue Domly Dom name and he should pick something that didn't bring shame to his submissive online. He pondered for a few minutes, gave me the look, and then announced:
...
...
"My Dom name is Steve."
*sigh*
And, go figure, "Steve's" first Domly Dictate is that he should get TWO closets in the new lair for his useless do-dads, leaving me (and all of our joint home stuff, coats, shoes, clothes with a measly closet and a half).
BOOP!
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
How To Write a BDSM Contract
Please note: BDSM contracts, while they can be a handy tool for a relationship, have NO LEGAL WEIGHT. They cannot be enforced in ANY court of law and CAN be used against as proof of intent to cause harm in legal proceedings.
BDSM contracts are a useful and positive tool for many relationships. They can help outline what is expected from all parties involved (It's hard to argue about who should be doing the dishes when it's clearly outlined in paragraph 3, subsection c), what the parameters of the relationship are, who is responsible for what, and a host of other things.
They can outline rules and regulations for a relationship, they can include sections on personal goals and growth, pretty much anything you can think of to put in a BDSM contract can be included (including dish washing duties). One other important aspect of a contract: It can help prevent against unpleasant surprises (if you forget to wash the dishes and the agreed upon punishment for that is supposed to be no internet for a day, your partner cannot suddenly and without warning tell you that you have to spend 5 hours picking up dog poo from the local Bark Park for example).
And for a newbie who has read popular fiction (they're often included as an easy way to up a book's word count) or has spent any time online they can appear to be a "Must Have" for any D/s relationship, so the question often gets asked, "How do I write a BDSM contract?"
So, in an attempt to be helpful I give you:
Personally, I think that the biggest benefit of a contract is the conversations that happen while figuring out why you want one and what you feel you need to include. Communication is an extremely important part of a healthy D/s relationship and talking about a contract can trigger conversations and ideas you may not have thought to have before.
Some things you both may want to consider previous to writing your contract:
What do you want your contract to accomplish?
People use contracts for various reasons. They can be used to help to reinforce the "seriousness" of the dynamic, to help one or both partners embrace their chosen roles more completely )as a serious sort of thing or assistance for fun role play). They can be useful as reference material in case of a misunderstanding ("You're right, I did agree to do the dishes! I forgot about that!"). They can outline what actions are and are not permissible in the relationship (for one or all parties) and what the consequences or not permissible actions might be. They can help people in the relationship feel more connected to each other and their dynamic.
Deciding why you and your partner would like to use a contract is fairly simple.
What do you want your contract to include?
This is where things get tricky for a lot of newbies.
Fictional contracts or contracts between people who have been involved in their dynamic for years can be pretty complex and include more things than you might think you need to include. Looking at those as examples can be daunting- Do you really need 38 pages of single spaced lines with sections, subsections, paragraphs, sub paragraphs, bulletin points, clauses, and 128 rules?
You don't.
You can, if that's what you really want, but it might be best to start with what you and your partner consider to be the most important things to cover. Why? Because it's easier to remember a few new things than many new things and you can always add to the contract later (which is probably how those 37 page contracts developed- Slowly and over time). One person I'm familiar with says that her contract consists of one word- Obey.
So- what are the most important things you and your partner can think of for your relationship? Are they rules, definitions of your roles, expectations that you have of each other, things that you (or they) should or should not do?
What tone would you like your contract to have?
Your contract is about you, your partner/s, and your relationship. If you're very serious people and want to take your contract as seriously as you take your selves and your relationship you might want to word your contract to resemble a legal document. If you're people who enjoy the more light hearted, fun side of things, you may want your contract to reflect that aspect of your personalities and relationship. There is no right or wrong way to write a contract so you can write it however you feel is best.
Now that you and your partner have had some conversations and time to think about what to include, you get to write the danged thing already, so how does that go?
Most contracts state at the beginning what the purpose is and who the parties involved are.
For example:
Super Serious- John Dom and Jane Sub do hereby agree that both parites, being of sound mind and body and both being capable of consenting to such an agreement, shall on this day, the 12 of Forever 2015, enter into a mutually beneficial arrangement where john Dom is the Dominant partner and Jane Doe is the submissive partner. Furthermore, both parties do declare that they will abide by the terms of the contract contained within the following pages...
Not Quite So Serious- John Dom and Jane Sub, by signing this contract, agree to enter into a D/s relationship and also agree to abide by the terms that follow...
Not Serious At All- John Dom, the Domliest Dom to Ever Dom, and Jane Sub, his most awesome submissive, who want to do D/s kinds of stuff together, wrote this kinky contract so that nobody will ever argue about who is in charge, who has to do dishes, and if picking up dog poo for 5 house is ever a permissible punishment...
From there, in any order you like, you write down the things that you both feel are important and would like to formally agree to. Ideas to include (in no specific order and just food for thought, you don't have to include any of these if they are not important to you or you can use as many as you want if they may be important):
What kind of dynamic you'd like- 24/7 TPE, bedroom only, or something in between?
If it's monogamous, poly, open, or something else (if open or poly, would you like to have a say in who your partner is involved with or who may become involved in your dynamic).
Who is allowed to do what and who they can do it to (is it ok for you or your partner to have sex outside your relationship, are you? Is playing outside your relationship OK for either of you? Do either of you need approval before engaging in extracurricular play?).
Who can make decisions about what (what authority would you like your partner to have, what does he want authority over, and what would you like to retain authority over).
What rules would he like you to follow?
Are there consequences for breaking those rules?
Do you agree to punishments and what punishments are OK? (you can limit what punishments you're willing to have inflicted upon you. If, say, corporal punishment sends you to a really bad place you can request alternatives like writing lines, writing an essay on what you did wrong and what you'll do in the future to avoid repeating the infraction, etc)
Are there specific protocol you'd like to include in your relationship? Using titles for your partner, poses that they may want you to assume at specific times, asking permission for specific things, etc.
Is there protocol to follow in vanilla public or at kinky events?
Who does what in the relationship? Are there things that he needs to manage and things that you need to take care of? What are your responsibilities and what are his responsibilities?
Are there personal growth goals either of you would like to agree to accomplish?
What kinds of kinky play are ok, what are your soft limits, what are your hard limits, what happens if you encounter something new neither of you had thought about before? What are your safe words, do you need after care, what happens if something goes wrong?
How often would you and your partner like to revisit the contract either to add things or subtract them (if they're not working for both of you)? Once a month, once every six months, once a year, never?
There are probably a million and one things I'm not thinking of, things you consider important that I'm missing, things you haven't thought of yet... But it's a place to start. And once you figure out how to get something started, finishing it up isn't usually that hard.
Also, for further helpfulness, a few links for more contract examples:
Example contracts from BDSMcircle
Example of an M/s Contract
Example of a D/s contract
And finally- Do you need to have a contract?
If it's not your cup of tea then no, you do not need to have a BDSM contract as part of your relationship. Some people find them useful and others don't feel a need to include one as part of their relationship- Cookie and I don't have one unless you count our wedding vows, and we seem to be doing pretty well without (though in all honesty he probably hasn't even considered the idea of one... I should probably not mention this blog to him. the idea of if might go to his Man Brain and he'd become insufferable).
BDSM contracts are a useful and positive tool for many relationships. They can help outline what is expected from all parties involved (It's hard to argue about who should be doing the dishes when it's clearly outlined in paragraph 3, subsection c), what the parameters of the relationship are, who is responsible for what, and a host of other things.
They can outline rules and regulations for a relationship, they can include sections on personal goals and growth, pretty much anything you can think of to put in a BDSM contract can be included (including dish washing duties). One other important aspect of a contract: It can help prevent against unpleasant surprises (if you forget to wash the dishes and the agreed upon punishment for that is supposed to be no internet for a day, your partner cannot suddenly and without warning tell you that you have to spend 5 hours picking up dog poo from the local Bark Park for example).
And for a newbie who has read popular fiction (they're often included as an easy way to up a book's word count) or has spent any time online they can appear to be a "Must Have" for any D/s relationship, so the question often gets asked, "How do I write a BDSM contract?"
So, in an attempt to be helpful I give you:
Squeaky's Handy Dandy Guide to Kinky Contract Writing
Personally, I think that the biggest benefit of a contract is the conversations that happen while figuring out why you want one and what you feel you need to include. Communication is an extremely important part of a healthy D/s relationship and talking about a contract can trigger conversations and ideas you may not have thought to have before.
Some things you both may want to consider previous to writing your contract:
What do you want your contract to accomplish?
People use contracts for various reasons. They can be used to help to reinforce the "seriousness" of the dynamic, to help one or both partners embrace their chosen roles more completely )as a serious sort of thing or assistance for fun role play). They can be useful as reference material in case of a misunderstanding ("You're right, I did agree to do the dishes! I forgot about that!"). They can outline what actions are and are not permissible in the relationship (for one or all parties) and what the consequences or not permissible actions might be. They can help people in the relationship feel more connected to each other and their dynamic.
Deciding why you and your partner would like to use a contract is fairly simple.
What do you want your contract to include?
This is where things get tricky for a lot of newbies.
Fictional contracts or contracts between people who have been involved in their dynamic for years can be pretty complex and include more things than you might think you need to include. Looking at those as examples can be daunting- Do you really need 38 pages of single spaced lines with sections, subsections, paragraphs, sub paragraphs, bulletin points, clauses, and 128 rules?
You don't.
You can, if that's what you really want, but it might be best to start with what you and your partner consider to be the most important things to cover. Why? Because it's easier to remember a few new things than many new things and you can always add to the contract later (which is probably how those 37 page contracts developed- Slowly and over time). One person I'm familiar with says that her contract consists of one word- Obey.
So- what are the most important things you and your partner can think of for your relationship? Are they rules, definitions of your roles, expectations that you have of each other, things that you (or they) should or should not do?
What tone would you like your contract to have?
Your contract is about you, your partner/s, and your relationship. If you're very serious people and want to take your contract as seriously as you take your selves and your relationship you might want to word your contract to resemble a legal document. If you're people who enjoy the more light hearted, fun side of things, you may want your contract to reflect that aspect of your personalities and relationship. There is no right or wrong way to write a contract so you can write it however you feel is best.
Now that you and your partner have had some conversations and time to think about what to include, you get to write the danged thing already, so how does that go?
Most contracts state at the beginning what the purpose is and who the parties involved are.
For example:
Super Serious- John Dom and Jane Sub do hereby agree that both parites, being of sound mind and body and both being capable of consenting to such an agreement, shall on this day, the 12 of Forever 2015, enter into a mutually beneficial arrangement where john Dom is the Dominant partner and Jane Doe is the submissive partner. Furthermore, both parties do declare that they will abide by the terms of the contract contained within the following pages...
Not Quite So Serious- John Dom and Jane Sub, by signing this contract, agree to enter into a D/s relationship and also agree to abide by the terms that follow...
Not Serious At All- John Dom, the Domliest Dom to Ever Dom, and Jane Sub, his most awesome submissive, who want to do D/s kinds of stuff together, wrote this kinky contract so that nobody will ever argue about who is in charge, who has to do dishes, and if picking up dog poo for 5 house is ever a permissible punishment...
From there, in any order you like, you write down the things that you both feel are important and would like to formally agree to. Ideas to include (in no specific order and just food for thought, you don't have to include any of these if they are not important to you or you can use as many as you want if they may be important):
What kind of dynamic you'd like- 24/7 TPE, bedroom only, or something in between?
If it's monogamous, poly, open, or something else (if open or poly, would you like to have a say in who your partner is involved with or who may become involved in your dynamic).
Who is allowed to do what and who they can do it to (is it ok for you or your partner to have sex outside your relationship, are you? Is playing outside your relationship OK for either of you? Do either of you need approval before engaging in extracurricular play?).
Who can make decisions about what (what authority would you like your partner to have, what does he want authority over, and what would you like to retain authority over).
What rules would he like you to follow?
Are there consequences for breaking those rules?
Do you agree to punishments and what punishments are OK? (you can limit what punishments you're willing to have inflicted upon you. If, say, corporal punishment sends you to a really bad place you can request alternatives like writing lines, writing an essay on what you did wrong and what you'll do in the future to avoid repeating the infraction, etc)
Are there specific protocol you'd like to include in your relationship? Using titles for your partner, poses that they may want you to assume at specific times, asking permission for specific things, etc.
Is there protocol to follow in vanilla public or at kinky events?
Who does what in the relationship? Are there things that he needs to manage and things that you need to take care of? What are your responsibilities and what are his responsibilities?
Are there personal growth goals either of you would like to agree to accomplish?
What kinds of kinky play are ok, what are your soft limits, what are your hard limits, what happens if you encounter something new neither of you had thought about before? What are your safe words, do you need after care, what happens if something goes wrong?
How often would you and your partner like to revisit the contract either to add things or subtract them (if they're not working for both of you)? Once a month, once every six months, once a year, never?
There are probably a million and one things I'm not thinking of, things you consider important that I'm missing, things you haven't thought of yet... But it's a place to start. And once you figure out how to get something started, finishing it up isn't usually that hard.
Also, for further helpfulness, a few links for more contract examples:
Example contracts from BDSMcircle
Example of an M/s Contract
Example of a D/s contract
And finally- Do you need to have a contract?
If it's not your cup of tea then no, you do not need to have a BDSM contract as part of your relationship. Some people find them useful and others don't feel a need to include one as part of their relationship- Cookie and I don't have one unless you count our wedding vows, and we seem to be doing pretty well without (though in all honesty he probably hasn't even considered the idea of one... I should probably not mention this blog to him. the idea of if might go to his Man Brain and he'd become insufferable).
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Squeaky Reviews a Book: Beginner's Guide to BDSM and Kinky Sex for Women, by Melinda Holmes
Apparently I bought this book ages ago and then promptly forgot about it, until the other day when I went off to do laundry and forgot to bring a meatspace book and had to resort to my Google book shelf for amusement.
Now, having finally read it, what can I say?
"Ugh" sums it up quite nicely.
It starts of with a little "quiz":
What's your BDSM IQ? True or False:
Submissive women have low self images.
Dominant women grew up in abusive households.
BDSM play is controlled by the dominant partner.
Dominant partners abuse and hit their submissive partner.
There's something "off" about people who enjoy BDSM.
After slogging through a few pages of assorted blather which sounds like something that should be inside the dust jacket on a regular meatspace book, you get to the answers, which is where my twitchy Something Stinks nose starts happening and my brain can't help but insert annoyed, red thoughts..
Submissive women have low self images.
False- The reverse is actually the case.
True AND false. Submissive women are just women and have the same issues as every other women on the planet. Some of us have a great deal of self confidence and some of us struggle with our self image.
Dominant women grew up in abusive households.
False- Their childhood's are just like everyone else's, some good, some bad.
Wait, I thought that submissives were the ones who had horrid childhoods. You've got your stereotypes mixed up there lady.
BDSM play is controlled by the dominant partner.
False- Nope, the submissive partner is actually in charge.
Nope. In that context, both partners are equally "in charge" as they both have equal abilities to end a scene. Beyond that, a bottom who is playing with a service top might be in charge of what happens, but submissive who is playing with her dominant (where an Authority Transfer dynamic has been established and agreed upon) may have little to no input in what happens during play.
Dominant partners abuse and hit their submissive partner.
False- Not at all. It's about causing intense sensation leading to pleasure.
Ugh. Some D-types do hit their partners (S&M) but it is not abuse. Some D/s partners have no interest in "intense sensations". Regardless of that, abuse is not something that happens in a healthy, consensual dynamic. (dunno why the water was muddied with any mention of "hitting" in the first place, not all abuse is physical after all)
There's something "off" about people who enjoy BDSM.
False- Normal people practice BDSM, people like your neighbor, pastor, or cousin.
"Normal" is only a setting on your washing machine.
So there was that bit of half truths (half falses?). Meh.
Next came a "helpful" glossary of common BDSM terms (The BDSM Dictionary for The Curious Woman)...
It was about as helpful as a swift kick to the head when you have a migraine headache as it consisted of very few words to define and the author's interpretation of what those terms meant. I may or may not have rolled my eyes so hard that one of them popped out of my noggin and was ingested by the dog.
Also Included in This Section: The lazy author's trick to writing less and filling empty spaces- Random quotes from random people. Not so bad in a long book, kind of a HUGE waste of space in something that has under 60 pages.
I slogged through some more blah blah blah and hit upon this gem, "A scenario in which a submissive wife is forced to expose her pussy, bottom, or breasts briefly (flashing) to a passing strange is perfectly acceptable..."
No! No it is not! It does not matter if the Dom and sub BOTH consent to this action because guess who hasn't consented? The stranger who is being included in your kink without his or her consent! THAT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE. And you know what's going to happen if that stranger finds it as unacceptable as most informed people in the kink community do? You're going to get slapped with a public indecency charge. Oooo, so kinky and fun...
More lazy "writing" (aka filler), some kinda crappy artwork, a few more oddly defined terms and I hit upon another gem:
"As I mentioned above there are two roles in BDSM- Dominant and submissive."
So... You've been doing this how long and you're only aware of two roles in BDSM? Because I've been doing this for close to 20 years and I can think of quite a few more than two.
Master
Slave
Owner
Pet
Pony
Daddy
Mommy
Little/babygirl
Top
Bottom
Brat
Primal
Switch
... Only 2? Geez. Fet's drop down menu lists 62 options for roles in BDSM, and that's not all of them in use, just the more popular ones.
"...It isn't about being friends..."
You know nothing, John Snow.
Cookie is my best friend. I wouldn't be involved with anybody in a BDSM dynamic without them being a genuine friend. It may not be about friendship FOR YOU, but for quite a few of us, IT IS.
Then, more filler in the form of a BDSM checklist (not very comprehensive and much, much, much better ones are available for free all over the internet).
Then, how to be a "good" submissive, which is only going to work out well if your dominant partner has an interest in you behaving in the way the author describes (mine does not and he laughed when I read those ideas to him).
An injunction that even if you don't like something you should do it anyways because submissive.
Admonishments about safety, with "safe calls" and giving a potential partner's name to a friend being Super Dooper Foolproof Safe (It's NOT!)
And you know what?
I give up.
I didn't pay much for this "guide" (and thank Dog for that), and despite the fact that its pretty cheap I'd have to say that the free info you can get from Novices & Newbies on Fetlife is about a million times better (at a very conservative estimate).
And it's not that the book is so horrible (though plenty of it is horrible), it's just that it's so incredibly dumbed down or blatantly innacurate or painfully One True Wayish that the information in it isn't worth paying for when you can get better, more accurate information online (again, for FREE).
So, save your cash and give this "guide" a pass.
Now, having finally read it, what can I say?
"Ugh" sums it up quite nicely.
It starts of with a little "quiz":
What's your BDSM IQ? True or False:
Submissive women have low self images.
Dominant women grew up in abusive households.
BDSM play is controlled by the dominant partner.
Dominant partners abuse and hit their submissive partner.
There's something "off" about people who enjoy BDSM.
After slogging through a few pages of assorted blather which sounds like something that should be inside the dust jacket on a regular meatspace book, you get to the answers, which is where my twitchy Something Stinks nose starts happening and my brain can't help but insert annoyed, red thoughts..
Submissive women have low self images.
False- The reverse is actually the case.
True AND false. Submissive women are just women and have the same issues as every other women on the planet. Some of us have a great deal of self confidence and some of us struggle with our self image.
Dominant women grew up in abusive households.
False- Their childhood's are just like everyone else's, some good, some bad.
Wait, I thought that submissives were the ones who had horrid childhoods. You've got your stereotypes mixed up there lady.
BDSM play is controlled by the dominant partner.
False- Nope, the submissive partner is actually in charge.
Nope. In that context, both partners are equally "in charge" as they both have equal abilities to end a scene. Beyond that, a bottom who is playing with a service top might be in charge of what happens, but submissive who is playing with her dominant (where an Authority Transfer dynamic has been established and agreed upon) may have little to no input in what happens during play.
Dominant partners abuse and hit their submissive partner.
False- Not at all. It's about causing intense sensation leading to pleasure.
Ugh. Some D-types do hit their partners (S&M) but it is not abuse. Some D/s partners have no interest in "intense sensations". Regardless of that, abuse is not something that happens in a healthy, consensual dynamic. (dunno why the water was muddied with any mention of "hitting" in the first place, not all abuse is physical after all)
There's something "off" about people who enjoy BDSM.
False- Normal people practice BDSM, people like your neighbor, pastor, or cousin.
"Normal" is only a setting on your washing machine.
So there was that bit of half truths (half falses?). Meh.
Next came a "helpful" glossary of common BDSM terms (The BDSM Dictionary for The Curious Woman)...
It was about as helpful as a swift kick to the head when you have a migraine headache as it consisted of very few words to define and the author's interpretation of what those terms meant. I may or may not have rolled my eyes so hard that one of them popped out of my noggin and was ingested by the dog.
Also Included in This Section: The lazy author's trick to writing less and filling empty spaces- Random quotes from random people. Not so bad in a long book, kind of a HUGE waste of space in something that has under 60 pages.
I slogged through some more blah blah blah and hit upon this gem, "A scenario in which a submissive wife is forced to expose her pussy, bottom, or breasts briefly (flashing) to a passing strange is perfectly acceptable..."
No! No it is not! It does not matter if the Dom and sub BOTH consent to this action because guess who hasn't consented? The stranger who is being included in your kink without his or her consent! THAT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE. And you know what's going to happen if that stranger finds it as unacceptable as most informed people in the kink community do? You're going to get slapped with a public indecency charge. Oooo, so kinky and fun...
More lazy "writing" (aka filler), some kinda crappy artwork, a few more oddly defined terms and I hit upon another gem:
"As I mentioned above there are two roles in BDSM- Dominant and submissive."
So... You've been doing this how long and you're only aware of two roles in BDSM? Because I've been doing this for close to 20 years and I can think of quite a few more than two.
Master
Slave
Owner
Pet
Pony
Daddy
Mommy
Little/babygirl
Top
Bottom
Brat
Primal
Switch
... Only 2? Geez. Fet's drop down menu lists 62 options for roles in BDSM, and that's not all of them in use, just the more popular ones.
"...It isn't about being friends..."
You know nothing, John Snow.
Cookie is my best friend. I wouldn't be involved with anybody in a BDSM dynamic without them being a genuine friend. It may not be about friendship FOR YOU, but for quite a few of us, IT IS.
Then, more filler in the form of a BDSM checklist (not very comprehensive and much, much, much better ones are available for free all over the internet).
Then, how to be a "good" submissive, which is only going to work out well if your dominant partner has an interest in you behaving in the way the author describes (mine does not and he laughed when I read those ideas to him).
An injunction that even if you don't like something you should do it anyways because submissive.
Admonishments about safety, with "safe calls" and giving a potential partner's name to a friend being Super Dooper Foolproof Safe (It's NOT!)
And you know what?
I give up.
I didn't pay much for this "guide" (and thank Dog for that), and despite the fact that its pretty cheap I'd have to say that the free info you can get from Novices & Newbies on Fetlife is about a million times better (at a very conservative estimate).
And it's not that the book is so horrible (though plenty of it is horrible), it's just that it's so incredibly dumbed down or blatantly innacurate or painfully One True Wayish that the information in it isn't worth paying for when you can get better, more accurate information online (again, for FREE).
So, save your cash and give this "guide" a pass.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Another one of those "30 Day" memes in one big post.
1) Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?
When we do use a label it's usually D/s. If I cared to be more specific I suppose the idea of the 50's household would apply fairly well.
2) Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?
The who part is pretty easy- Cookie is the only person who has the privilege of bossing me around.
How is a bit more tricky. We're 24/7- But a very laid back sort of 24/7. He doesn't want to micromanage me and as I have no interest in having a Helicopter Dom, it works out well for us. When it matter to him that I bow to his authority, that's what I do. The rest of the time he pretty much leaves me to run things as I see fit... Probably because he takes it for granted that "how I see fit" is going to neatly align with what he wants.
3) How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?
I know that I'm his submissive because being his support person and letting him lead fulfills me.
4) Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?
At times I take the lead because I'm better suited to the task at hand... That doesn't make me dominant or a switch. It makes me a competent adult.
I maintain authority over my kitchen, my children, my healthcare decisions, family obligations, and any legal stuff that may involve me.
I am not a switch. I have no desire to be the partner with more authority. I may however be interested in service topping.
5) Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?
I've been learning about BDSM for close to 20 years now.
I've had some play partners in the past, enough to get a pretty good idea about what I am and am not interested in.
Cookie is my first (and Dog willing) last D/s partner and relationship.
6) What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
I have no idea why I orient the way I do sexually or relationship-wise.
I suppose this is just how I'm wired, and that's all the explanation I need.
7) Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?
No, no, and I expect that I would feel exactly the same way as I did when I was a child- resentful, angry, and hell-bent on bucking authority to do my own thing. Which is why I have absolutely no interest in having either of those things as part of my dynamic, those feelings are not conducive IMO to a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
8.) Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?
No. See above:
9) Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?
That thing I mentioned about bucking authority? Rules wouldn't work for me. If he said, "You must do X and never do Z" I'd be off doing the exact opposite of what he dictated because I can... If instead he expresses a preference, or mentions something he'd like me to do (or not do) and provides a reason? I'll bend over backwards to stick to that.
Like, he said once that he hated it when his ex would do things without asking for his input? Redecorating the house, adopting a pet, stuff like that... So I always ask for his input. It's not a rule, even though it's important to him, but because it's important to him I'll keep it in mind always.
10) Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?
Well, yeah. D/s is part of the BDSM acronym. Besides that, sure. We enjoy bondage, and some light S&M. It's fun. If I had to rate its importance? Eh... I don't know. Kinky play is awesome, but it's not everything there is to life for us, you know?
11) Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission?
I do things for him, but I'm not service oriented. I just see those things as the sort of stuff a caring or dedicated significant other does for their partner.
How do you define service?
To me, service is a specific mindset different from what I described above. It's something integral to some folks' submission... But not mine.
What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?
I doesn't mean anything to me because I am not service oriented. Doing for the sake of doing isn't what drives me.
12) Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself?
No.
If no, is there a particular reason why?
He makes financial decisions and manages our money because he's better with money than I am- But it's our money. Not just his. And that's the reason why.
Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?
Yes, I'm familiar with the concept, and the only opinion I have of it is that it's not my cuppa.
13) Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?
I'm available when he wants sex, but that's because I want to be available. It has nothing to do with submission or his Domly Desires, I just think that intimacy is good for a relationship and even if I'm not quite in the mood, I will be if he encourages me enough (wink-wink).
And no, there are no limits. He's not a clod. If I'm ill or something terrible has happened recently he's not so obtuse that he'd fail to recognize that.
14) Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit?
We're atheists.
If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?
Yes, I'm familiar with a few different versions of religious submission.
In some instances, it can be similar if the choice to submit is one that is freely made by the person submitting and the religious submission is something that she finds gratifying and a positive influence on her life and relationship.
But, sadly, most of the religious submission I read about isn't a choice freely made. It's something forced on the person despite how she may personally feel about it... And that is in now way, shape, or form similar to consensual submission.
15) Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?
Everything evolves, submission is no different.
Well, over time it's gone from gung-ho "ZOMG! Frenzy!" to "OK, I think this is more sensible and realistic" to "ZOMG! NRE! This is the AWESOME!" to "All right... Now that we've settled down, this is much more sustainable..."
As to how it may evolve in the future? Who knows? I guess that depends on what the future brings us.
16) Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?
With past partners it was extremely limited and resembled bottoming far more than it did submitting- I'd do what they wanted because I wanted it too, but they had no authority over me. This relationship is different from that.
17) What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?
For me it means that I have absolute confidence in his ability to lead well, make decisions that benefit us both, and to recognize when he's only human and adjust accordingly.
18) Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?
Communication is one of the most important aspects of our relationship, not just for the purposes of D/s, but for the health and wellbeing of the relationship... So it really helps things along that we enjoy talking to each other and that there don't seem to be any areas we are unwilling to broach (granted, some things may take a bit of time to broach, and maybe a beer or four, but we get there).
And how do I ask for what I want or need? I just ask.
"I saw a dresser at TJ Maxx when I was shopping with my mom, I think it would be perfect for the spot next to the front door. Want to go look at it with me?"
"I despise all of our neighbors, their dogs, kids, and stupid ass loud music. Can we move? PLEASE?"
"I'm jonesing Taco Bell. Taco Bell? Yes?"
"Wanna have the kinky sexy fun times now?"
19) How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?
I'm pretty social. I've got this bloggy thing, a few forums I frequent, and a handful of friends I keep in touch with. I like people for the most part, I like being part of a larger social conversation. and I like hearing about what other people experience.
20) Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?
That's kind of like asking "Has your wifeliness increased or decreased over time?" It doesn't make much sense to me because I don't think it's something that can be measured. And much like being a wife, or a mom, or a friend, there are times when it's easier to fulfill that role and times when that role is not the priority. Such is life.
21) Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?
Any position where he's actively asserting his authority?
22) Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?
Submission, for me, is something that happens and is expressed in a relationship. Without the relationship I may still identify as a submissive but I do not submit. Kind of like how you can still be a parent even if you're on vacation without your child. You're still a parent, even if you're not actively parenting that child.
23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you?
Mine? No. We've worked pretty hard to create a relationship that contributes positively to our life together.
Other people's? Sure. So I guess it's a pretty good thing that I don't have to do the stuff they do that I'm not into, isn't it?
Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?
Yeah, but that was mostly because I wasn't certain how everything I was could coexist beside this one particular label. I had a bit of an identity crisis. It sorted itself out with time and education.
24) What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?
Submission isn't emotional to me. It's how I'm wired. Like how I'm monogamous or how I prefer men. I don't need emotions to let me access my monogamy or my desire for a male partner. It's just something that's always there.
25) Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?
No and no. My orientation in my relationship isn't tied to objects or rituals. It's not something I do, it's something I am in the right circumstances.
26) What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?
The same qualities I'd seek in a vanilla partner with some additions- He needs to identify as a D-type and our ideas of BDSM must be compatible. and of course there are deal breakers, this is still a relationship.
27) Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?
Eh. There might be things that would be fun to try, maybe, if we ever get around to them... And no. They're not frightening or confusing.
28) Has your submission ever let you down?
No because I don't have unrealistic expectations of it.
Have you ever been criticized for your submission?
Sure. I hear that I'm "doing it wrong" on a pretty regular basis. It doesn't matter because the people who say it don't matter.
Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship?
Nope. No regrets.
Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.
The same way I'd handle any mistake- Learn from it and attempt to not repeat it. This isn't rocket science.
29) Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission?
Mild pain, sure. I like to flirt along the edges of pleasure and pain a bit. A swat on the bum, a bite that's a bit too sharp... Nommy. Humiliation OTO is not something I ever care to experience. EVER.
What is your relationship to it?
They're not the same thing. At all. One I have a happy relationship with because it's good times, the other I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole because it would leave me miserable and in a Very Bad Place.
Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?
I embrace what I enjoy and don't fuck with stuff that is bad for me (much less tolerate it because of some screwed up notion that because I'm an s-type I have to put up with shit that's not good for me. Ugh).
30) Is your need to submit being met?
I don't need to submit, just like I don't need to fuck, or need to be married. It's something I enjoy expressing in a healthy relationship, and thus far my ability to express it in this relationship is just ducky (that means it's pretty great for all you non-English speakers).
If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again?
If Cookie went more vanilla than a bottle of McCormick I'd be content. I don't need submission to be a whole person or to be happy in a relationship. It may add a bit to a relationship if I can express that aspect of myself, but it's not a deal breaker if I can't. There are things that are more important to me than submission.
What makes submission special to you?
My dominant partner.
When we do use a label it's usually D/s. If I cared to be more specific I suppose the idea of the 50's household would apply fairly well.
2) Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?
The who part is pretty easy- Cookie is the only person who has the privilege of bossing me around.
How is a bit more tricky. We're 24/7- But a very laid back sort of 24/7. He doesn't want to micromanage me and as I have no interest in having a Helicopter Dom, it works out well for us. When it matter to him that I bow to his authority, that's what I do. The rest of the time he pretty much leaves me to run things as I see fit... Probably because he takes it for granted that "how I see fit" is going to neatly align with what he wants.
3) How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?
I know that I'm his submissive because being his support person and letting him lead fulfills me.
4) Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?
At times I take the lead because I'm better suited to the task at hand... That doesn't make me dominant or a switch. It makes me a competent adult.
I maintain authority over my kitchen, my children, my healthcare decisions, family obligations, and any legal stuff that may involve me.
I am not a switch. I have no desire to be the partner with more authority. I may however be interested in service topping.
5) Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?
I've been learning about BDSM for close to 20 years now.
I've had some play partners in the past, enough to get a pretty good idea about what I am and am not interested in.
Cookie is my first (and Dog willing) last D/s partner and relationship.
6) What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
I have no idea why I orient the way I do sexually or relationship-wise.
I suppose this is just how I'm wired, and that's all the explanation I need.
7) Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?
No, no, and I expect that I would feel exactly the same way as I did when I was a child- resentful, angry, and hell-bent on bucking authority to do my own thing. Which is why I have absolutely no interest in having either of those things as part of my dynamic, those feelings are not conducive IMO to a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
8.) Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?
No. See above:
9) Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?
That thing I mentioned about bucking authority? Rules wouldn't work for me. If he said, "You must do X and never do Z" I'd be off doing the exact opposite of what he dictated because I can... If instead he expresses a preference, or mentions something he'd like me to do (or not do) and provides a reason? I'll bend over backwards to stick to that.
Like, he said once that he hated it when his ex would do things without asking for his input? Redecorating the house, adopting a pet, stuff like that... So I always ask for his input. It's not a rule, even though it's important to him, but because it's important to him I'll keep it in mind always.
10) Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?
Well, yeah. D/s is part of the BDSM acronym. Besides that, sure. We enjoy bondage, and some light S&M. It's fun. If I had to rate its importance? Eh... I don't know. Kinky play is awesome, but it's not everything there is to life for us, you know?
11) Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission?
I do things for him, but I'm not service oriented. I just see those things as the sort of stuff a caring or dedicated significant other does for their partner.
How do you define service?
To me, service is a specific mindset different from what I described above. It's something integral to some folks' submission... But not mine.
What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?
I doesn't mean anything to me because I am not service oriented. Doing for the sake of doing isn't what drives me.
12) Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself?
No.
If no, is there a particular reason why?
He makes financial decisions and manages our money because he's better with money than I am- But it's our money. Not just his. And that's the reason why.
Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?
Yes, I'm familiar with the concept, and the only opinion I have of it is that it's not my cuppa.
13) Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?
I'm available when he wants sex, but that's because I want to be available. It has nothing to do with submission or his Domly Desires, I just think that intimacy is good for a relationship and even if I'm not quite in the mood, I will be if he encourages me enough (wink-wink).
And no, there are no limits. He's not a clod. If I'm ill or something terrible has happened recently he's not so obtuse that he'd fail to recognize that.
14) Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit?
We're atheists.
If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?
Yes, I'm familiar with a few different versions of religious submission.
In some instances, it can be similar if the choice to submit is one that is freely made by the person submitting and the religious submission is something that she finds gratifying and a positive influence on her life and relationship.
But, sadly, most of the religious submission I read about isn't a choice freely made. It's something forced on the person despite how she may personally feel about it... And that is in now way, shape, or form similar to consensual submission.
15) Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?
Everything evolves, submission is no different.
Well, over time it's gone from gung-ho "ZOMG! Frenzy!" to "OK, I think this is more sensible and realistic" to "ZOMG! NRE! This is the AWESOME!" to "All right... Now that we've settled down, this is much more sustainable..."
As to how it may evolve in the future? Who knows? I guess that depends on what the future brings us.
16) Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?
With past partners it was extremely limited and resembled bottoming far more than it did submitting- I'd do what they wanted because I wanted it too, but they had no authority over me. This relationship is different from that.
17) What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?
For me it means that I have absolute confidence in his ability to lead well, make decisions that benefit us both, and to recognize when he's only human and adjust accordingly.
18) Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?
Communication is one of the most important aspects of our relationship, not just for the purposes of D/s, but for the health and wellbeing of the relationship... So it really helps things along that we enjoy talking to each other and that there don't seem to be any areas we are unwilling to broach (granted, some things may take a bit of time to broach, and maybe a beer or four, but we get there).
And how do I ask for what I want or need? I just ask.
"I saw a dresser at TJ Maxx when I was shopping with my mom, I think it would be perfect for the spot next to the front door. Want to go look at it with me?"
"I despise all of our neighbors, their dogs, kids, and stupid ass loud music. Can we move? PLEASE?"
"I'm jonesing Taco Bell. Taco Bell? Yes?"
"Wanna have the kinky sexy fun times now?"
19) How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?
I'm pretty social. I've got this bloggy thing, a few forums I frequent, and a handful of friends I keep in touch with. I like people for the most part, I like being part of a larger social conversation. and I like hearing about what other people experience.
20) Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?
That's kind of like asking "Has your wifeliness increased or decreased over time?" It doesn't make much sense to me because I don't think it's something that can be measured. And much like being a wife, or a mom, or a friend, there are times when it's easier to fulfill that role and times when that role is not the priority. Such is life.
21) Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?
Any position where he's actively asserting his authority?
22) Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?
Submission, for me, is something that happens and is expressed in a relationship. Without the relationship I may still identify as a submissive but I do not submit. Kind of like how you can still be a parent even if you're on vacation without your child. You're still a parent, even if you're not actively parenting that child.
23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you?
Mine? No. We've worked pretty hard to create a relationship that contributes positively to our life together.
Other people's? Sure. So I guess it's a pretty good thing that I don't have to do the stuff they do that I'm not into, isn't it?
Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?
Yeah, but that was mostly because I wasn't certain how everything I was could coexist beside this one particular label. I had a bit of an identity crisis. It sorted itself out with time and education.
24) What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?
Submission isn't emotional to me. It's how I'm wired. Like how I'm monogamous or how I prefer men. I don't need emotions to let me access my monogamy or my desire for a male partner. It's just something that's always there.
25) Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?
No and no. My orientation in my relationship isn't tied to objects or rituals. It's not something I do, it's something I am in the right circumstances.
26) What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?
The same qualities I'd seek in a vanilla partner with some additions- He needs to identify as a D-type and our ideas of BDSM must be compatible. and of course there are deal breakers, this is still a relationship.
27) Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?
Eh. There might be things that would be fun to try, maybe, if we ever get around to them... And no. They're not frightening or confusing.
28) Has your submission ever let you down?
No because I don't have unrealistic expectations of it.
Have you ever been criticized for your submission?
Sure. I hear that I'm "doing it wrong" on a pretty regular basis. It doesn't matter because the people who say it don't matter.
Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship?
Nope. No regrets.
Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.
The same way I'd handle any mistake- Learn from it and attempt to not repeat it. This isn't rocket science.
29) Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission?
Mild pain, sure. I like to flirt along the edges of pleasure and pain a bit. A swat on the bum, a bite that's a bit too sharp... Nommy. Humiliation OTO is not something I ever care to experience. EVER.
What is your relationship to it?
They're not the same thing. At all. One I have a happy relationship with because it's good times, the other I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole because it would leave me miserable and in a Very Bad Place.
Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?
I embrace what I enjoy and don't fuck with stuff that is bad for me (much less tolerate it because of some screwed up notion that because I'm an s-type I have to put up with shit that's not good for me. Ugh).
30) Is your need to submit being met?
I don't need to submit, just like I don't need to fuck, or need to be married. It's something I enjoy expressing in a healthy relationship, and thus far my ability to express it in this relationship is just ducky (that means it's pretty great for all you non-English speakers).
If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again?
If Cookie went more vanilla than a bottle of McCormick I'd be content. I don't need submission to be a whole person or to be happy in a relationship. It may add a bit to a relationship if I can express that aspect of myself, but it's not a deal breaker if I can't. There are things that are more important to me than submission.
What makes submission special to you?
My dominant partner.
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