This is such a popular thread topic that I felt the need to expand upon it in bloggy thing form-
Says Random Fetlife Girl-
"I researched a lot about it, read up on it, but I still don't know my limits... If I have any? I don't know how to go about it now that I am ready to experience it. It would mean a lot if someone can help me out!!!"
First, I really have to question how much research is "a lot" when someone still has no idea what their limits are or if they even have any limits.
The internet is a big place, the Kinkyverse is a big place, somewhere in one or both of those places (if you've done any reading at all) you've stumbled across something that's made you go "Ewwww!"
THAT "EWWWW!" MIGHT JUST BE A LIMIT.
So you read something, somewhere about someone eating poop and said "Ohmigawd! That's gross!" In the Kinkyverse that immediate negative reaction is known as a "squick," and generally things that cause a squick are some sort of limit.
Squicks are not limited to things that are gross, like eating poop, or being tinkled on, or being someone's personal ashtray, or a plethora of other physically icky things that folks can get off on. A squick can also apply to emotional or mental things.
Does the idea of humiliation make you feel bad, and not in a good way? Squick.
Does being "shared" make you feel icky on the inside? Squick.
Anything you can think of in the Kinkyverse that causes that squick feeling might just be a limit.
If you need to find examples of things to see if you have that squick reaction, try looking at a checklist of some sort. They're available in a great many places and usually have various kinky activities and D/s dynamic components listed within them.
So when you do squick (and you will), think about it:
Is it super-gross, never-ever-want-to-do-it-under-any-circumstances? Call that a "Hard Limit" then.
Is it just a little gross and maybe you could see yourself doing it if the stars aligned just right? That might be a "Soft Limit."
But what if you don't squick? What if everything you read turns you on to some extent?
There is plenty of shit I read about that turns me on, provides me with great wank fodder, and can get my motor humming in a fantasy-based way... And I think that this is something that can be really confusing to a newbie who hasn't really thought about it in a "OK, this is cool in my fantasy, but what about real life" way.
There's a difference.
Some people know right off that bat that some things only work for them in a fantasy context. For others it takes trial and error- And there's nothing wrong with that.
It is totally OK to say, "I read about this thing and it really turns me on, but I'm not sure if I'll like it in real life."
You are allowed to say, "I might not want to try this thing, and if I do try it, I might want to go very very slow, and not do it until I feel very very comfortable with you."
And that's what I would recommend for someone who has no experience and who thinks they might like everything- That they go very slowly, and very carefully, because it's far better to ease into something new and give yourself time to realize "Hey, maybe this isn't a good idea outside my fantasy" than to go gung-ho, full-throttle, and realize in the middle of the new thing that you might have made a REALLY big mistake and you're not enjoying it at all and you want it to stop and never happen again. Ever.
Nobody wants to be seriously traumatized in a bad way when exploring, and very few people would want to cause that reaction in someone they're playing with- Going slow reduces the chance of that happening.
EVERYBODY HAS LIMITS.
Seriously. Everybody.
Even the people who say that they're "no limits" because of how long they've been in a relationship or how much they trust their partner, they still have limits. Those limits might just not need to be called a limit... I mean, I don't have to tell Cookie that he's not allowed to play with chainsaws anywhere near my appendages (or in the house, for that matter), for it to be a limit. It kind of goes without saying because neither of us want me to loose a limb... Even unstated, loss of a limb is still a limit.
I'm also pretty sure that there's just stuff that hasn't hit my radar yet so I don't know if it's a limit or not. As well-informed as I try to be, I don't actually know everything yet (and I doubt I ever will)... So I might have limits that I don't even know are limits.
We ALL have something that we just won't do, and anybody who claims otherwise? They're an idiot.
There is no prize for not having any limits, nobody is going to come along and give you The Super-Best S-Type Award for not having any limits. And FFS, all that bullshit about a "True submissive/slave doesn't have limits"? You should pretty much feel free to ignore it and laugh at the idiot who makes such an uniformed claim.
So, Random Fetlife Girl, you are NOT ready to "experience it" because you're still woefully clueless which will get you or the person you play with hurt, and nobody wants that. Do all of us a favor and stay in the sandbox until you've figured out that you are not, as you suggest, "no limits," because I'll lay good odds that when you drop the poorly written erotica and pick up some educational reading, you'll easily discover a world of limits you didn't knew you had.
