Inevitably, someone (usually someone of the female persuasion), gets it into her head that squirting is something she must know how to do. RIGHT NOW. So, she makes her way into some forum or another and asks, "Can you be trained to squirt? If so can someone train me?"
And then, without fail, folks come crawling out of the woodwork spouting all sorts of idiocrity. From the women it's crap like this-
"Of course you can! Just do X, Y, Z, and tap your glittery red shoes together three times while chanting 'I just want to squirt...'"
"If I can, you can. All women are built the same!"
"All women can squirt!"
"My Master says..."
And the Dudebros feel the need to pop up and Mansplain how, exactly, the female anatomy works, and why they (The Gift of The Gods To All Womankind) have squirty success rates over 99.8% of the time, and why the lady question asker should let them teach her the secret, sacred squirt.
Me? I roll my eyes and do what I always do, inform the masses using a novel idea called science.
Science is this really neat thing, even when it comes to underexplored realms like The Lady Bits. It's got some basic clues about how we work, why we work, and all sorts of interesting factoids that make a difference when answering questions like these.
Such As:
"All Women can squirt!"
Nope.
And do you know why? Because some of us lack the plumbing to manufacture a squirt.
Really. I'm not shitting you. Scientists think that the squirt is made in this nifty thing called the Skene's Gland (also known as the Female Prostrate because of its similarity to the male equivalent) and expelled through the Skene's Ducts. Now, there are no exact numbers because who bothers to look for that sort of thing, but there are ladies out there who don't have them- Which means... Not all women can squirt.
http://www.thugmed.com/2008/12/essential-anatomy-skenes-gland/
So quit saying they can as it sets some ladies up for failure and makes them feel bad because of something that is not their fault.
Then there's the ladies who might have the gland and ducts and haven't squirted.
Might they be able to? Sure. If the plumbing is there, they might be able to squirt.
Will they? Who knows.
We're not all wired alike and the stimulation that gets one lady there (to squirty nirvana and messy sheets) might not work on another. I think that for something like this there's a lot of trial and error (A LOT) involved, along with knowing your body and what works for you. But even then, if you try and try and nothing happens, what does it matter?
Then there's my favorite. The guy who comes along and insists that despite science and despite the fact that none of our lady bodies work the same way, he has the Magical Man Skillz to make you wet the wallpaper across the room...
He's full of it ladies.
He might have had some success with previous partners (or maybe they just got fed up with his insistence so they took a wee at him), or he might have some stellar feel-good action that works most of the time... But he knows jack shit about your body and he's a fool for pretending otherwise. So don't be fooled by his super altruistic [sarcasm] offer to help.
And honestly,who cares? I really don't get why it's such a big deal, this stupid party trick some of out bits can do...We all have hands but nobody assumes that anybody with two hands and ten digits can paint like Picasso. Nobody insists that we can if we try hard enough, or makes us feel like failures when we produce something that looks like it belongs in a kindergarten classroom.
Why all the hassle and disappointment and angst over a bit of wet?
Meh.
TL;DR-
Not all women can squirt.
Nobody can "teach" or "train" you how to quirt if you can't (or even if you can).
Science rocks.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
The Natural Submissive (Personality Vs. Orientation)
Yesterday an unintentionally interesting thread happened in one of the groups I belong to on Fet. It started out as a snark-fest aimed at the painfully annoying folks who wave around the "Natural Submissive" label as a badge of honor to make themselves feel superior and then moved on to a discussion about people who do genuinely feel that they're just naturally submissive (like someone might be naturally inclined to be a good singer).
So as I was reading this thread I noticed something that I found interesting- Most of the folks who self identified as a "natural" were those who expressed that they had a desire to serve or please others their entire lives. Those folks with a submissive personality type.
That makes a certain amount of sense. If you feel that way for as long as you can remember it's going to feel natural to you because that's just how you are, and if you also have the orientation to be the submissive partner... Well, what's going to feel more natural than having a relationship dynamic that aligns neatly with your personality. It may just be a continuation of the person you've always known you were.
Then I began thinking about orientation by itself.
There are plenty of submissives who do not have submissive personalities (I'm one of them) but who are wired to be the submissive partner in their relationships.
You rarely, if ever, see the "natural" label applied to these folks, even though it could be argued that orientation is just as natural as personality- And perhaps more so. Personality can be altered either by will or by outside influence, but orientation is hard-wiring (must ponder this thought more...).
Anyways.
I started thinking about why orientation submissives don't generally use the "natural" label. I know I never have, it's never occurred to me to do so.
And I wonder if it's because there may be a conflict between having a more assertive personality and a desire to submit within a relationship... Sometimes it just doesn't feel all that natural, especially when a person has had this assertive, more dominant personality for years and years and then when they start dating and start forming intimate relationships, then the hard-wiring finally makes itself known.
I suppose there might be a bit of an identity crisis in there somewhere: The personality says, "Sorry pal, this isn't who we are" while the wiring is responding with "Wanna bet?"
I guess it also doesn't help in this crisis that "natural" is applied to people unlike ourselves (ourselves being assertive P, submissive O), so what are we left with? Well, we're certainly not natural according to the generalizations so that must make us unnatural and unnatural is something to fight against.
Now I'm wondering if it wouldn't perhaps be helpful if more Assertive Personality- submissive Orientation folks were to apply the "natural" label to themselves?
Would it be helpful for newbies to hear "Yep. I have an assertive personality and I naturally orient as the submissive partner in a relationship. I am naturally submissive, just in a different way."
Would that concept help with the identity struggle?
I'm not sure, but I guess it is just a continuation of a concept that helped me a great deal when I was struggling with making sense out of these seemingly warring factions within myself.
The concept was Personality and Orientation and that neither of those things were the same-
A person could have a submissive P and could or could not orient as a submissive in a relationship.
A person could have an assertive P and could or could not orient as a submissive in a relationship.
One had nothing to do with the other, so perhaps expanding on that, that any personality and orientation combination is NATURAL would be beneficial...
I don't know. I don't think the idea is quite as fleshed out as I'd like it to be, but maybe it's a start.
EDIT TO ADD:
This is part of the on-going discussion, and I'm going to tack it on here because it's also part of this-
Someone Else- Whatever is wrong with being submissive in general, not just by conscious choice, not just towards that one special person or those several special people?
Me- That's a continuation of what I'm thinking about and driving towards- Orientation isn't a conscious choice, not for submission, not for sexuality, not for gender... Much like personality it's just who someone is.
And maybe folks don't see it as natural (or innate, also a good word) because there is a selection process involved, but then natural selection is natural, all species select for the best possible mate... And if that orientation hard-wiring doesn't kick in until the right partner has been selected?
But still, once the right partner is there, it's not a choice. Not for me anyways.
So as I was reading this thread I noticed something that I found interesting- Most of the folks who self identified as a "natural" were those who expressed that they had a desire to serve or please others their entire lives. Those folks with a submissive personality type.
That makes a certain amount of sense. If you feel that way for as long as you can remember it's going to feel natural to you because that's just how you are, and if you also have the orientation to be the submissive partner... Well, what's going to feel more natural than having a relationship dynamic that aligns neatly with your personality. It may just be a continuation of the person you've always known you were.
Then I began thinking about orientation by itself.
There are plenty of submissives who do not have submissive personalities (I'm one of them) but who are wired to be the submissive partner in their relationships.
You rarely, if ever, see the "natural" label applied to these folks, even though it could be argued that orientation is just as natural as personality- And perhaps more so. Personality can be altered either by will or by outside influence, but orientation is hard-wiring (must ponder this thought more...).
Anyways.
I started thinking about why orientation submissives don't generally use the "natural" label. I know I never have, it's never occurred to me to do so.
And I wonder if it's because there may be a conflict between having a more assertive personality and a desire to submit within a relationship... Sometimes it just doesn't feel all that natural, especially when a person has had this assertive, more dominant personality for years and years and then when they start dating and start forming intimate relationships, then the hard-wiring finally makes itself known.
I suppose there might be a bit of an identity crisis in there somewhere: The personality says, "Sorry pal, this isn't who we are" while the wiring is responding with "Wanna bet?"
I guess it also doesn't help in this crisis that "natural" is applied to people unlike ourselves (ourselves being assertive P, submissive O), so what are we left with? Well, we're certainly not natural according to the generalizations so that must make us unnatural and unnatural is something to fight against.
Now I'm wondering if it wouldn't perhaps be helpful if more Assertive Personality- submissive Orientation folks were to apply the "natural" label to themselves?
Would it be helpful for newbies to hear "Yep. I have an assertive personality and I naturally orient as the submissive partner in a relationship. I am naturally submissive, just in a different way."
Would that concept help with the identity struggle?
I'm not sure, but I guess it is just a continuation of a concept that helped me a great deal when I was struggling with making sense out of these seemingly warring factions within myself.
The concept was Personality and Orientation and that neither of those things were the same-
A person could have a submissive P and could or could not orient as a submissive in a relationship.
A person could have an assertive P and could or could not orient as a submissive in a relationship.
One had nothing to do with the other, so perhaps expanding on that, that any personality and orientation combination is NATURAL would be beneficial...
I don't know. I don't think the idea is quite as fleshed out as I'd like it to be, but maybe it's a start.
EDIT TO ADD:
This is part of the on-going discussion, and I'm going to tack it on here because it's also part of this-
Someone Else- Whatever is wrong with being submissive in general, not just by conscious choice, not just towards that one special person or those several special people?
Me- That's a continuation of what I'm thinking about and driving towards- Orientation isn't a conscious choice, not for submission, not for sexuality, not for gender... Much like personality it's just who someone is.
And maybe folks don't see it as natural (or innate, also a good word) because there is a selection process involved, but then natural selection is natural, all species select for the best possible mate... And if that orientation hard-wiring doesn't kick in until the right partner has been selected?
But still, once the right partner is there, it's not a choice. Not for me anyways.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Another Internet How-To List...
I like reposting (and adding to) things I find on the internet.
Why? Because sometimes it's horrid advice that I'm sharing and I point out why it's horrid, and sometimes it's sound advice that I like to expand on to provide multiple perspectives in one place. This is case of the latter- Pretty decent advice with additional commentary.
1. YOU are in charge of your own safety and happiness.
Although this is a power-exchange type of world, you do not give up your rights as a human being (unless that’s something you have negotiated) and ultimately the choice to remain in an unsafe or miserable situation is your own.
I actually prefer "Authority Exchange" as I feel it's more accurate, but beyond that- Hooray for someone else espousing personal responsibility! It is your job to keep yourself safe- Not mine, or your friend's or the community (whoever they are), or your partner's... YOURS.
Use safe words, use safe calls, call upon friends who you can trust. Consent does matter, but you can always withdraw consent.
Hey, wait... What happened to personal responsibility?
Safe words are great when they work, but they only work when your partner respects them.
And safe calls are just a starting point for the cops to come looking for your body... They don't actually keep you safe.
2. Dominants are not mind readers- in fact they rather suck at it, so be sure that you are stating your needs and your desires clearly.
Do not expect to get what you want or need if you’re not willing to open your mouth and ask for it. Always be willing to open up the line of communication BEFORE play and ASK or DISCUSS it.
Brilliant!
Too bad more folks can't seem to grasp this simple concept (nobody's a mind reader!), there would be a lot more fulfilling, happy relationships.
3. Know what you like.
Nothing is more frustrating than a dominant asking “what are you interested in” and getting a blank stare and an “ummm” in response.
Know what you like and what you don’t like. If you don’t know, figure it out. Attend an event where they do “tasters” of various kinks, contact a dominant you trust to show you things, or just plain ask. You need to know what you like or you are not going to be very happy and content with yourself or your dominant.
Additionally, merely thinking about different activities can help this process along. Do you think about it and squick? Then you might not want to try that activity. Does it sound interesting? Then you can probably move it to the "might want to try" column of your mental list. Then, think about them some more... is this something you would really like to try, or is it something that you'd just be happy fantasizing about?
4. Not every “top” or “dominant” or big letter person is trustworthy.
Just because they carry a big whip and wear a fancy hat doesn’t mean that you can trust them. Get references, listen to others, and trust your instincts. If something feels wrong or like a “red flag” trust yourself. You were given an instinct to protect yourself USE IT.
True that.
But references? One thing to keep in mind is the fact that nobody is going to have you contact a person who will give them a bad reference. Think about it- When you apply to a new job who do you have your prospective employer contact? People who will give you a glowing reference, or folks who will tell your prospective boss that you pick your nose while driving, punt kittens, and have been known to drink out of the milk carton?
5. Don’t top from below.
If you decide you are submissive, be the submissive- don’t try to weasel your way into being the de-facto top or to always get your way. It really does get to be all about the top. If you can’t handle that, maybe you are on the wrong end of the dynamic.
Errr... Actually, it's not always "all about the top."
If your needs are not being met and you're voicing a reasonable concern- That's honest communication. Anybody who tries to shut down honest communication with a TFTB accusation is a weenie.
And some (rare) D-types enjoy some difficulty...
To each their own.
6. Bottoming to someone is not the same as submitting to them forever.
Just because someone plays with you or allows you to serve them doesn’t mean that you belong to them. It might lead to something more, it might not. Don’t be a stalker about it!
That.
I don't know how many times I've seen some New & Excited Baby Seal announce to the world that "her new Dom..." when they're just play partners and there is no D/s dynamic, just sexy fun time T/b play. Don't be that person. It's not attractive. It's like going on one date and referring to the guy as your fiancé... Creepy.
7. If you agree to rules, procedures, responsibilities, etc, do not constantly renegotiate.
Agree to only what you are willing to do and then do that. If you can’t handle the agreement to begin with, don’t agree to it!
To be fair, sometimes renegotiating things often in the begining is good for the relationship to ensure that both or all parties get what they desire because really, few of us get it right, right away. It takes some trial and error.
8. Be honest about who you are.
Are you poly? Monogamous? Bi-sexual? HIV-positive? Got Herpes? Grow a spine and be honest about it. Don’t enter into a relationship trying to be something you are not. You’ll only end up miserable and hurting people. This goes back to knowing yourself and what you want or would like to try.
No argument there.
9. Don’t’ be afraid to say no!
Don’t be afraid to safe word. Don’t be afraid to withdraw consent.
Just don’t expect things to be all happy and wonderful and perfect after you do so. Saying no, safewording and withdrawing consent should be the beginning of a conversation, not the end of one. And if you aren’t willing to discuss it with the person directly, you sure as heck shouldn’t broadcast it publicly.
Again, no argument.
And I like that the author points out that saying "no" can have consequences.
10. Don’t compare yourself to others.
Someone is always going to be more “slavey”, be able to take more pain, be more service oriented, be more accomplished, know more, or whatever. Deal with it. You are you and whoever you submit to should like you for YOU not for who they think you should be. If you can’t stand to be who you are and accept it and keep trying to play up to someone’s standards that aren’t yours then you will be miserable.
Word to your mother, yo.
11. Ask questions. Seriously ask people.
If you don’t know about something- ASK. If you want to know about a certain toy or type of play ASK (but not during a scene this is why you negotiate and communicate and talk and discuss it ahead of time). If you want someone to explain protocol to you, ASK. Attend classes, go to workshops, find a mentor, but please, ask questions. “No one ever told me” is a terrible excuse when there are a wealth of people willing to explain things if you’d just ask.
YES!
It frustrates me to no end when people act as if they have any excuse for ignorance when the internet if chock full of people willing to offer GREAT advice via forums, blogs, books, hell there's even BDSM advice on YouTube!
12. Sometimes submission sucks.
It sucks to put everyone else first and see to their needs before your own, but that’s part of the deal. Find a way to make yourself a priority every now and again to feed your own soul, but know that at the end of the day, the dominant is going to come first. It isn’t all rainbows and flowers with floggers and ball gags. There are days you will question your sanity in agreeing to live this way.
Well... Some of us don't put "everybody" first. Our D-types, probably most of the time, but not everybody, not by a long shot.
And, there are quite a few of us who have no desire to do something that's going to suck. Suck is not part of our relationship vocabulary (well, it might be, but not in reference to being miserable), altruism is not our cuppa, and we have no interest in being martyrs.
It's up to you to decide if you can live that way or if you need a partner who's going to make your needs and wants a priority.
13. You don’t have to like something in order to do it.
Sometimes it’s ok to do something you don’t like in order to please someone else, Just be honest about it. If you are taking the cane because you know it makes the dominant happy, be honest about that. It’s ok!
And you don't have to do something you dislike.
It may be a deal breaker for the other person if you don't, and you might have to chalk it up to incompatibility, but it's not a universal prerequisite of submission that you MUST do shit you don't like.
14. Perfection is not required.* You WILL fuck this up numerous times.
You will get yelled at, dressed down, ignored, put aside, punished and possibly even dismissed. You WILL forget something major, something minor or some rule. You will screw this up. Instead of worrying about every little potential mistake, do the best you can with what you have at all times. No one can fault you if you are trying your best. Especially not yourself.
OK, I'm having trouble with this one because some of us do not believe in punishment dynamics. We think "yelling" is counterproductive, ignoring is passive-aggressive BS, and dismissal for screwing up? Seriously? If someone is going to bail because you're not perfect from the get-go, let them. All three of those things (yelling, ignoring, dismissing) are childish, immature, and hallmarks of someone who cannot control themselves, much less a submissive partner.
15. Don’t trust a pretty smile, a big whip, or a big dick.
Just because someone looks the part of a “perfect dominant” doesn’t mean they know what they are doing. Clothes and toys don’t make a dominant effective. Having a whip in the bag doesn’t mean they know how to use it properly. Don’t trust appearances only, there’s always more than just what’s on the surface. There is much more to the book then it’s cover. Always know that!
BOOYAH!
D-types are just people!
Some people are trustworthy, some people are not, and someone giving themselves a title does not change that fact.
16. Don’t play with someone you’ve never seen play unless someone you trust has seen them play.You have no idea what you are getting into and you might be signing on for something that is not comfortable and could be potentially very dangerous to you! There are abusers, serial killers and manipulating people in this world so PLAY SAFE!
In all seriousness, this is a wee bit unrealistic because the majority of kinky folks? We don't play in public. We play at home. So how, exactly, are you going to watch those people play? And if they're private players your friend isn't likely to have seen them go at it... Also: See the "references" thing above.
This isn't rocket science.
If you don't know someone and you don't feel safe playing with them when you don't know them?
Wait until you know them. Problem solved.
Why? Because sometimes it's horrid advice that I'm sharing and I point out why it's horrid, and sometimes it's sound advice that I like to expand on to provide multiple perspectives in one place. This is case of the latter- Pretty decent advice with additional commentary.
1. YOU are in charge of your own safety and happiness.
Although this is a power-exchange type of world, you do not give up your rights as a human being (unless that’s something you have negotiated) and ultimately the choice to remain in an unsafe or miserable situation is your own.
I actually prefer "Authority Exchange" as I feel it's more accurate, but beyond that- Hooray for someone else espousing personal responsibility! It is your job to keep yourself safe- Not mine, or your friend's or the community (whoever they are), or your partner's... YOURS.
Use safe words, use safe calls, call upon friends who you can trust. Consent does matter, but you can always withdraw consent.
Hey, wait... What happened to personal responsibility?
Safe words are great when they work, but they only work when your partner respects them.
And safe calls are just a starting point for the cops to come looking for your body... They don't actually keep you safe.
2. Dominants are not mind readers- in fact they rather suck at it, so be sure that you are stating your needs and your desires clearly.
Do not expect to get what you want or need if you’re not willing to open your mouth and ask for it. Always be willing to open up the line of communication BEFORE play and ASK or DISCUSS it.
Brilliant!
Too bad more folks can't seem to grasp this simple concept (nobody's a mind reader!), there would be a lot more fulfilling, happy relationships.
3. Know what you like.
Nothing is more frustrating than a dominant asking “what are you interested in” and getting a blank stare and an “ummm” in response.
Know what you like and what you don’t like. If you don’t know, figure it out. Attend an event where they do “tasters” of various kinks, contact a dominant you trust to show you things, or just plain ask. You need to know what you like or you are not going to be very happy and content with yourself or your dominant.
Additionally, merely thinking about different activities can help this process along. Do you think about it and squick? Then you might not want to try that activity. Does it sound interesting? Then you can probably move it to the "might want to try" column of your mental list. Then, think about them some more... is this something you would really like to try, or is it something that you'd just be happy fantasizing about?
4. Not every “top” or “dominant” or big letter person is trustworthy.
Just because they carry a big whip and wear a fancy hat doesn’t mean that you can trust them. Get references, listen to others, and trust your instincts. If something feels wrong or like a “red flag” trust yourself. You were given an instinct to protect yourself USE IT.
True that.
But references? One thing to keep in mind is the fact that nobody is going to have you contact a person who will give them a bad reference. Think about it- When you apply to a new job who do you have your prospective employer contact? People who will give you a glowing reference, or folks who will tell your prospective boss that you pick your nose while driving, punt kittens, and have been known to drink out of the milk carton?
5. Don’t top from below.
If you decide you are submissive, be the submissive- don’t try to weasel your way into being the de-facto top or to always get your way. It really does get to be all about the top. If you can’t handle that, maybe you are on the wrong end of the dynamic.
Errr... Actually, it's not always "all about the top."
If your needs are not being met and you're voicing a reasonable concern- That's honest communication. Anybody who tries to shut down honest communication with a TFTB accusation is a weenie.
And some (rare) D-types enjoy some difficulty...
To each their own.
6. Bottoming to someone is not the same as submitting to them forever.
Just because someone plays with you or allows you to serve them doesn’t mean that you belong to them. It might lead to something more, it might not. Don’t be a stalker about it!
That.
I don't know how many times I've seen some New & Excited Baby Seal announce to the world that "her new Dom..." when they're just play partners and there is no D/s dynamic, just sexy fun time T/b play. Don't be that person. It's not attractive. It's like going on one date and referring to the guy as your fiancé... Creepy.
7. If you agree to rules, procedures, responsibilities, etc, do not constantly renegotiate.
Agree to only what you are willing to do and then do that. If you can’t handle the agreement to begin with, don’t agree to it!
To be fair, sometimes renegotiating things often in the begining is good for the relationship to ensure that both or all parties get what they desire because really, few of us get it right, right away. It takes some trial and error.
8. Be honest about who you are.
Are you poly? Monogamous? Bi-sexual? HIV-positive? Got Herpes? Grow a spine and be honest about it. Don’t enter into a relationship trying to be something you are not. You’ll only end up miserable and hurting people. This goes back to knowing yourself and what you want or would like to try.
No argument there.
9. Don’t’ be afraid to say no!
Don’t be afraid to safe word. Don’t be afraid to withdraw consent.
Just don’t expect things to be all happy and wonderful and perfect after you do so. Saying no, safewording and withdrawing consent should be the beginning of a conversation, not the end of one. And if you aren’t willing to discuss it with the person directly, you sure as heck shouldn’t broadcast it publicly.
Again, no argument.
And I like that the author points out that saying "no" can have consequences.
10. Don’t compare yourself to others.
Someone is always going to be more “slavey”, be able to take more pain, be more service oriented, be more accomplished, know more, or whatever. Deal with it. You are you and whoever you submit to should like you for YOU not for who they think you should be. If you can’t stand to be who you are and accept it and keep trying to play up to someone’s standards that aren’t yours then you will be miserable.
Word to your mother, yo.
11. Ask questions. Seriously ask people.
If you don’t know about something- ASK. If you want to know about a certain toy or type of play ASK (but not during a scene this is why you negotiate and communicate and talk and discuss it ahead of time). If you want someone to explain protocol to you, ASK. Attend classes, go to workshops, find a mentor, but please, ask questions. “No one ever told me” is a terrible excuse when there are a wealth of people willing to explain things if you’d just ask.
YES!
It frustrates me to no end when people act as if they have any excuse for ignorance when the internet if chock full of people willing to offer GREAT advice via forums, blogs, books, hell there's even BDSM advice on YouTube!
12. Sometimes submission sucks.
It sucks to put everyone else first and see to their needs before your own, but that’s part of the deal. Find a way to make yourself a priority every now and again to feed your own soul, but know that at the end of the day, the dominant is going to come first. It isn’t all rainbows and flowers with floggers and ball gags. There are days you will question your sanity in agreeing to live this way.
Well... Some of us don't put "everybody" first. Our D-types, probably most of the time, but not everybody, not by a long shot.
And, there are quite a few of us who have no desire to do something that's going to suck. Suck is not part of our relationship vocabulary (well, it might be, but not in reference to being miserable), altruism is not our cuppa, and we have no interest in being martyrs.
It's up to you to decide if you can live that way or if you need a partner who's going to make your needs and wants a priority.
13. You don’t have to like something in order to do it.
Sometimes it’s ok to do something you don’t like in order to please someone else, Just be honest about it. If you are taking the cane because you know it makes the dominant happy, be honest about that. It’s ok!
And you don't have to do something you dislike.
It may be a deal breaker for the other person if you don't, and you might have to chalk it up to incompatibility, but it's not a universal prerequisite of submission that you MUST do shit you don't like.
14. Perfection is not required.* You WILL fuck this up numerous times.
You will get yelled at, dressed down, ignored, put aside, punished and possibly even dismissed. You WILL forget something major, something minor or some rule. You will screw this up. Instead of worrying about every little potential mistake, do the best you can with what you have at all times. No one can fault you if you are trying your best. Especially not yourself.
OK, I'm having trouble with this one because some of us do not believe in punishment dynamics. We think "yelling" is counterproductive, ignoring is passive-aggressive BS, and dismissal for screwing up? Seriously? If someone is going to bail because you're not perfect from the get-go, let them. All three of those things (yelling, ignoring, dismissing) are childish, immature, and hallmarks of someone who cannot control themselves, much less a submissive partner.
15. Don’t trust a pretty smile, a big whip, or a big dick.
Just because someone looks the part of a “perfect dominant” doesn’t mean they know what they are doing. Clothes and toys don’t make a dominant effective. Having a whip in the bag doesn’t mean they know how to use it properly. Don’t trust appearances only, there’s always more than just what’s on the surface. There is much more to the book then it’s cover. Always know that!
BOOYAH!
D-types are just people!
Some people are trustworthy, some people are not, and someone giving themselves a title does not change that fact.
16. Don’t play with someone you’ve never seen play unless someone you trust has seen them play.You have no idea what you are getting into and you might be signing on for something that is not comfortable and could be potentially very dangerous to you! There are abusers, serial killers and manipulating people in this world so PLAY SAFE!
In all seriousness, this is a wee bit unrealistic because the majority of kinky folks? We don't play in public. We play at home. So how, exactly, are you going to watch those people play? And if they're private players your friend isn't likely to have seen them go at it... Also: See the "references" thing above.
This isn't rocket science.
If you don't know someone and you don't feel safe playing with them when you don't know them?
Wait until you know them. Problem solved.
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