Hi there new person who has discovered an interest in BDSM, welcome to The Kinkyverse!
I bet you're all sorts of excited and curious about things you may have recently read in popular novels, bad erotica, or have seen in blockbuster movies or titillating porn. Things that involve fun, kinky, sexy times, and things that involve domination and submission.
And that's cool. We all had to start somewhere.
But here's the kick in the nuts you might not be thinking about- BDSM isn't just something that everybody can go and do without at least a little information. Trying out kink without the info you need to play safely isn't a good idea.
Think about it this way: Would you show your little sibling/cousin/kid (any young person, really) how to start your car and then hand them the keys to go for a joyride?
Hell no! You'd know that was a bad idea because there's a lot more to driving a car safely than just than knowing how to start it.
Kink is like that.
Authors and film directors have shown you how to start up your kinky car, but they haven't shown you how to drive it safely, and I really don't think you want to wreck up your shiny, new kinky hooptie like this guy did:
19 year-old charged with assault, claims he was reenacting 50SoG
Now, I don't want this blog to be all blamey and "you should have know better" because, well, those kids involved didn't know what they didn't know... And really, with the kink community keeping itself crammed way back in the closet it's easy to understand why they didn't know what they needed to know to play safe. They were handed the keys to a shiny new kinkmobile and were told to take it for a spin... It's no wonder they wrecked it.
The wrong way to do BDSM is doing it based on crap that will harm you or harm someone else.
So how do you do BDSM safely when you're a beginner and you don't know what you should know?
FIRST!- Forget about everything you've ever read about in erotica and forget everything you've seen in films. Those are good places to get ideas for things you'd like to try, but they're not good for anything other than that.
Beyond that- Fictional films and books are crap at teaching you anything of value. Nothing you've read or seen is anywhere close to how BDSM works for real people. NOTHING.
Basing your play on fiction is a great way to harm someone and/or wind up in the pokey.
That 19 year-old kid tried it and he's been arrested. Don't be that kid.
SECOND! Join Fetlife. Fetlife is a FREE social networking site for the BDSM and fetish community. Once you've joined, hit the "Groups" link at the top of the page.
Then, next to the grey search bar to the right you will see two links, click on "Most Popular Groups."
At the very top of the list that will appear is the group "Novices & Newbies."
JOIN THAT GROUP.
That's it.
Novices & Newbies has an FAQ section that contains every single thing you could ever want to know about BDSM in general. Take a week or two (at least!) to read those posts in the FAQ to at least get an idea of how BDSM works in real life for real people.
If you have questions, ask the group members.
At the time of posting there are 167,431 people in that group who are ready and willing to help you out.
If you're interested in submission, the third group on the list is Submissive Women. Join that group.
Their FAQs about submission are great for the beginner submissive, and the ladies (although they can be blunt) are some of the most helpful people you could hope to encounter.
WARNING! There are trolls who prey on new people to Fetlife. The will message you with offers to mentor, train, or play with you... Do not accept their offers. Anything you need to know you can find in the groups. You don't need a mentor, trainer, or whatever.
WARNING! There are jackasses who will try to top you without your consent. Ignore them. Better yet, block them and delete their message. You don't need them, nor are you ready to play with them yet (even if you might be interested). Wait until you've done your reading so that when you are ready to play you'll know how to go about playing safely. Please.
THIRD!- Read this blog. I've written TONS of stuff about safety, about how incorrect the BDSM stereotypes are, about finding compatible partners to play or have a relationship with... Tons of stuff. I'm also totally happy to try to answer any questions you might have. ANY QUESTION. in my experience, there are no stupid questions. If you don't want to ask in the blog, I'm cool with emails- squeakings@gmail.com
FOURTH! There is nothing wrong with being new and perhaps kinda clueless.
Everybody was new and clueless once. I was new and clueless once. Even John Warren (author of The Loving Dominant) was probably new and clueless once, and now he's a super awesome guy who writes books about BDSM. Real books, not the fictional sort!
Nobody knows the stuff they need to know when they're new. Everybody starts off clueless.
FIFTH! (And Finally!) Take your time.
Slow the fuck down.
It's not a race.
She who finds a Domly Dom first does not win (and in fact will probably end up pretty unhappy with her choice if she doesn't know how to make that choice wisely).
You have all the time in the world... And sure, it might not feel like it if you've got a case of the Frenzy nipping at your proverbial 5 inch heels, but you do.
Gah!
This message brought to you by the letters WTF, the number 27 (the amount of clueless newbs who posted in my Fet groups the other day), and my unending frustration with folks who cannot seem to fathom the fact that BDSM is not a safe, turtle-shaped plastic sandbox in their overly protective parents yard.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Why So Vanilla?
From a thread on Fet:
"Earlier today, I was reading a comment and it was describing the day in the life of a lifestyle slave.
It showcased how she got up at 6:30 and prepared breakfast. She did the laundry and helped her children with chores and homework. It reads to me like, it was describing a normal day in America to which every housewife must do or chose to do those tasks.
I wanted to ask her, " Did you mean to make it sound like that? " Is she more of a service type slave? Or is housewife now the new definition of slavery?"
There's an epic battle in the Kinkyverse that has been ongoing since time beyond memory. Folks have been doing their damnedest to illustrate the point that D/s, M/s, whatevs, is not always all about kinky fuckery or overt shows of authority. That the fantasy portrayed in books and movies (and porn) isn't how it is for the vast majority of us, because life.
And I've done my part in this battle. I've outlined what a Day In The Life of Squeaky looks like:
I get up after Cookie because I'm an insomniac who seldom falls asleep before 5am.
If he's hungry, I feed him before he goes off to work.
While he works, I do my work (and fool around on the computer). Laundry gets done, Dishes get done, dogs and small people are cared for, errands are run, Farm hero Saga is played.
Cookie comes home at some point in the evening and we do what millions of other folks do at night- We lump on the couch and watch TV.
After that? We either scromp, play and scromp, or sleep.
That's life. It's pretty average. It looks pretty vanilla and I sound like your average housewife.
And that's the point- This display of vanillaness is one of the best tools kinky people have to remind newbies that our lives are not All Kink All The Time. They're real lives with real responsibilities, and those responsibilities sometimes overshadow WIITWD. It's not all Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty non-stop.
But I can see where that guy I quoted above is coming from. From the day I described, it's hard to see the underlying authority of the dynamic. It might be hard for a newbie to look at that and say, "So how is D/s different from what I've always done?"
Well...
A lot of the vanilla-looking stuff I do, I do it with his preferences in mind. I've been doing that for so long that I really don't think about it when I'm talking about A Day In The Life. A lot of that vanilla stuff has his authority in our relationship buried somewhere in it, it's just not obvious to outside observers. Hell, it's not even obvious to people watching closely, I bet.
That's how it is for a great many kinksters. It's NOT obvious and it DOES look vanilla quite often.
But... Just because it looks vanilla doesn't mean that it is.
Someone describing their day might not think to point out, "When I make breakfast I'm thinking about what my partner would enjoy because I want to please him. I'm not going to cook something that I like but he hates. I'm going to make his coffee just the way I know he likes it (black, 2 sugars) and serve it in his favorite mug. I'll also dish up his meal and bring it to him."
When someone talks about doing the laundry they may not think to point out that their partner has preferences for detergent, softener, and how his clothes are folded and put away, and that they'll do the laundry with those preferences (or orders, for the really bossy sorts) in mind.
Chores may be assigned tasks, and may need to be accomplished in a specific order or fashion.
Childcare might need to involve running decisions past her partner so that his input can either be considered or abided by.
There might be protocol involved that wouldn't be obvious to children/friends/family members... "Dear" can be a great vanilla-friendly version of "Sir."
Vanilla life is something that happens to all of us, even the hardest-core kinksters still has to do laundry and pay bills, but it can be kinky or D/s when someone with authority is making the decisions about how that vanilla stuff happens.
It's all in how you look at it.
And as a snarky aside: When slavery was a legal thing, who does that guy think took care of the housework? The lady of the home or the slave?
"Earlier today, I was reading a comment and it was describing the day in the life of a lifestyle slave.
It showcased how she got up at 6:30 and prepared breakfast. She did the laundry and helped her children with chores and homework. It reads to me like, it was describing a normal day in America to which every housewife must do or chose to do those tasks.
I wanted to ask her, " Did you mean to make it sound like that? " Is she more of a service type slave? Or is housewife now the new definition of slavery?"
There's an epic battle in the Kinkyverse that has been ongoing since time beyond memory. Folks have been doing their damnedest to illustrate the point that D/s, M/s, whatevs, is not always all about kinky fuckery or overt shows of authority. That the fantasy portrayed in books and movies (and porn) isn't how it is for the vast majority of us, because life.
And I've done my part in this battle. I've outlined what a Day In The Life of Squeaky looks like:
I get up after Cookie because I'm an insomniac who seldom falls asleep before 5am.
If he's hungry, I feed him before he goes off to work.
While he works, I do my work (and fool around on the computer). Laundry gets done, Dishes get done, dogs and small people are cared for, errands are run, Farm hero Saga is played.
Cookie comes home at some point in the evening and we do what millions of other folks do at night- We lump on the couch and watch TV.
After that? We either scromp, play and scromp, or sleep.
That's life. It's pretty average. It looks pretty vanilla and I sound like your average housewife.
And that's the point- This display of vanillaness is one of the best tools kinky people have to remind newbies that our lives are not All Kink All The Time. They're real lives with real responsibilities, and those responsibilities sometimes overshadow WIITWD. It's not all Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty non-stop.
But I can see where that guy I quoted above is coming from. From the day I described, it's hard to see the underlying authority of the dynamic. It might be hard for a newbie to look at that and say, "So how is D/s different from what I've always done?"
Well...
A lot of the vanilla-looking stuff I do, I do it with his preferences in mind. I've been doing that for so long that I really don't think about it when I'm talking about A Day In The Life. A lot of that vanilla stuff has his authority in our relationship buried somewhere in it, it's just not obvious to outside observers. Hell, it's not even obvious to people watching closely, I bet.
That's how it is for a great many kinksters. It's NOT obvious and it DOES look vanilla quite often.
But... Just because it looks vanilla doesn't mean that it is.
Someone describing their day might not think to point out, "When I make breakfast I'm thinking about what my partner would enjoy because I want to please him. I'm not going to cook something that I like but he hates. I'm going to make his coffee just the way I know he likes it (black, 2 sugars) and serve it in his favorite mug. I'll also dish up his meal and bring it to him."
When someone talks about doing the laundry they may not think to point out that their partner has preferences for detergent, softener, and how his clothes are folded and put away, and that they'll do the laundry with those preferences (or orders, for the really bossy sorts) in mind.
Chores may be assigned tasks, and may need to be accomplished in a specific order or fashion.
Childcare might need to involve running decisions past her partner so that his input can either be considered or abided by.
There might be protocol involved that wouldn't be obvious to children/friends/family members... "Dear" can be a great vanilla-friendly version of "Sir."
Vanilla life is something that happens to all of us, even the hardest-core kinksters still has to do laundry and pay bills, but it can be kinky or D/s when someone with authority is making the decisions about how that vanilla stuff happens.
It's all in how you look at it.
And as a snarky aside: When slavery was a legal thing, who does that guy think took care of the housework? The lady of the home or the slave?
Dear Vanilla Person...
You might know me.
I could be your daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, best friend, social acquaintance, co-worker, boss, or any other title someone you know could have.
Maybe you've known me for my entire life or yours.
Perhaps we've known each other for years, maybe our relationship is new.
Odds are good I've told you about my partner- I've waxed ecstatic over how wonderful he is or I've bitched about how he can never seem to turn his socks right side out before they go in the laundry basket.
You've probably seen photos of my small people and my pets, you may have met them, and have definitely heard multiple anecdotes about all of them- Good and hilariously bad.
My life and yours are intertwined in some way.
We're connected... Maybe at the heart, maybe at the hip, maybe by blood or maybe by something less binding- But that connection is there between us.
In some way we share our lives with each other and from the glimpses you get of mine, you think you know me.
Here's what you don't know: I'm kinky. I'm in a D/s relationship. I'm not the person you thought I was.
There, I've said it.
And I'm guessing that this is what you're thinking- That I'm either abused or an abuser. That I'm broken and I need to be fixed. That there's something wrong with the life I'm living, something wrong with my partner, and that the both of us need professional help.
I don't blame you for that, really, even though the idea of you having those thoughts about me is painful. I thought the same thing of myself for the longest time. "What's wrong with me that I like the things I do? Why do I want to submit to some guy? why do I like it when he slaps my bum? Why does rope, leather, and shiny-jingly bits of metal do more for me than flowers and chocolate?"
Just like you, I had this idea of what BDSM was, and it wasn't pretty. It was dark, and dangerous, and shameful, and I thought that because of the media's depictions of BDSM. The media, and it's portrayals of the things I found interesting were pretty much always negative... Broken people doing horrible (but sexy-to-me) things to other broken people.
What else was I supposed to think? It's not like there are healthy, happy, fulfilled kinksters wandering the streets who are easily accessible as role models. The happy, healthy, fulfilled people are keeping mum because they know what the general populace thinks of them and they know that there are some pretty horrible things that can happen to people who are outed. So what we're left with is the De Sades (AKA writers of fantasy wank fodder that holds no bearing on reality), the Christian Greys, the perps on Law & Order SVU, Criminal Minds, CSI, and Dateline reports to inform the public's opinion of what BDSM is.
Because of that opinion I fear your opinion of me changing into something negative. I fear that in a custody battle I could lose my children, that if outed at work I could be fired (especially if there's a morality clause), that I could lose my good name among people in my community. Those things happen to people like me. They have happened.
They keep happening.
Why?
Because the stereotype is much more powerful than my reality... Also understandable- Who wants to come out as kinky when you know the reception you'll get and the risks it involves?
Because other kinksters say "Your friends/family/ important people don't need to know how your relationship is structured and what you like to do in your bedroom."
I think you do need to know. Maybe not the specifics- I certainly don't want to hear about every single thing you might get up to behind closed doors, but I do think that you need to know that there is nothing shameful about my relationship, that what I'm doing is something that contributes positively to my life, and that allowing my partner to lead while I act as his support person is how I'm function best in a relationship (we can't all be CEOs).
I think you need to know that the kinky sexy times we have together is consensual, and not just consensual, but that I enthusiastically consent and am aware of the risks some types of play involve (I also know how to mitigate those risks).
I need you to know that it's not about violence, even though our play can look violent- He's never angry or intent on causing me harm. He's joyfully providing me with a sensation that I find satisfying (really, joyful. We laugh and smile a lot while playing). There's a huge difference between violence and abusive behavior, and rough play that makes me feel all gooshy inside. One I wouldn't stand for, the other I welcome as a part of our intimacy.
I need you to know that allowing him to lead in our relationship doesn't mean that I'm being subjugated against my will or that I cannot lead- I just like to follow where he leads... With some exceptions- He's not allowed to mess with my health care decisions, my kitchen, and he'd better keep his man hands off my clothing selections (he's color blind and fashion obtuse, a bad combination). Beyond that? He's proven time and again that he can make wise choices for us and our relationship which is why I trust him to lead and can follow him. If he couldn't lead? I wouldn't follow.
My relationship is not the stuff of bad erotica or cop shows. It's not anything like the drivel on the silver screen or your small screen. Those people are not the people I know and care for.
Those people are not the people you know or care for.
The people you know and care for who might be kinky? They're the same people they always were. Being kinky doesn't change that and it doesn't alter who they are. The smart, funny, competent adults you know? They're still that person... They just like something that's not the norm. They like their relationships a bit more like Ward and June's, they like their sex and play a bit spicier... No big deal, right?
So why is it a big deal when really- It's not?
Think about it.
Sincerely,
A kinky person you know.
I could be your daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, best friend, social acquaintance, co-worker, boss, or any other title someone you know could have.
Maybe you've known me for my entire life or yours.
Perhaps we've known each other for years, maybe our relationship is new.
Odds are good I've told you about my partner- I've waxed ecstatic over how wonderful he is or I've bitched about how he can never seem to turn his socks right side out before they go in the laundry basket.
You've probably seen photos of my small people and my pets, you may have met them, and have definitely heard multiple anecdotes about all of them- Good and hilariously bad.
My life and yours are intertwined in some way.
We're connected... Maybe at the heart, maybe at the hip, maybe by blood or maybe by something less binding- But that connection is there between us.
In some way we share our lives with each other and from the glimpses you get of mine, you think you know me.
Here's what you don't know: I'm kinky. I'm in a D/s relationship. I'm not the person you thought I was.
There, I've said it.
And I'm guessing that this is what you're thinking- That I'm either abused or an abuser. That I'm broken and I need to be fixed. That there's something wrong with the life I'm living, something wrong with my partner, and that the both of us need professional help.
I don't blame you for that, really, even though the idea of you having those thoughts about me is painful. I thought the same thing of myself for the longest time. "What's wrong with me that I like the things I do? Why do I want to submit to some guy? why do I like it when he slaps my bum? Why does rope, leather, and shiny-jingly bits of metal do more for me than flowers and chocolate?"
Just like you, I had this idea of what BDSM was, and it wasn't pretty. It was dark, and dangerous, and shameful, and I thought that because of the media's depictions of BDSM. The media, and it's portrayals of the things I found interesting were pretty much always negative... Broken people doing horrible (but sexy-to-me) things to other broken people.
What else was I supposed to think? It's not like there are healthy, happy, fulfilled kinksters wandering the streets who are easily accessible as role models. The happy, healthy, fulfilled people are keeping mum because they know what the general populace thinks of them and they know that there are some pretty horrible things that can happen to people who are outed. So what we're left with is the De Sades (AKA writers of fantasy wank fodder that holds no bearing on reality), the Christian Greys, the perps on Law & Order SVU, Criminal Minds, CSI, and Dateline reports to inform the public's opinion of what BDSM is.
Because of that opinion I fear your opinion of me changing into something negative. I fear that in a custody battle I could lose my children, that if outed at work I could be fired (especially if there's a morality clause), that I could lose my good name among people in my community. Those things happen to people like me. They have happened.
They keep happening.
Why?
Because the stereotype is much more powerful than my reality... Also understandable- Who wants to come out as kinky when you know the reception you'll get and the risks it involves?
Because other kinksters say "Your friends/family/ important people don't need to know how your relationship is structured and what you like to do in your bedroom."
I think you do need to know. Maybe not the specifics- I certainly don't want to hear about every single thing you might get up to behind closed doors, but I do think that you need to know that there is nothing shameful about my relationship, that what I'm doing is something that contributes positively to my life, and that allowing my partner to lead while I act as his support person is how I'm function best in a relationship (we can't all be CEOs).
I think you need to know that the kinky sexy times we have together is consensual, and not just consensual, but that I enthusiastically consent and am aware of the risks some types of play involve (I also know how to mitigate those risks).
I need you to know that it's not about violence, even though our play can look violent- He's never angry or intent on causing me harm. He's joyfully providing me with a sensation that I find satisfying (really, joyful. We laugh and smile a lot while playing). There's a huge difference between violence and abusive behavior, and rough play that makes me feel all gooshy inside. One I wouldn't stand for, the other I welcome as a part of our intimacy.
I need you to know that allowing him to lead in our relationship doesn't mean that I'm being subjugated against my will or that I cannot lead- I just like to follow where he leads... With some exceptions- He's not allowed to mess with my health care decisions, my kitchen, and he'd better keep his man hands off my clothing selections (he's color blind and fashion obtuse, a bad combination). Beyond that? He's proven time and again that he can make wise choices for us and our relationship which is why I trust him to lead and can follow him. If he couldn't lead? I wouldn't follow.
My relationship is not the stuff of bad erotica or cop shows. It's not anything like the drivel on the silver screen or your small screen. Those people are not the people I know and care for.
Those people are not the people you know or care for.
The people you know and care for who might be kinky? They're the same people they always were. Being kinky doesn't change that and it doesn't alter who they are. The smart, funny, competent adults you know? They're still that person... They just like something that's not the norm. They like their relationships a bit more like Ward and June's, they like their sex and play a bit spicier... No big deal, right?
So why is it a big deal when really- It's not?
Think about it.
Sincerely,
A kinky person you know.
Predators & Politeness: A post for Kinky AND Vanilla Ladies
First- A bit of backstory on this one:
Almost a week ago this post appeared on Fetlife and made it's way to K&P: None of your fucking business.
The gist of the story is that a lady, enjoying a coffee at the mall on her own was approached by some creepy guy who asked her, "What's your name, sweetheart?"
She responded by telling him that her name was none of his fucking business, and the responders to that post went, well... Postal. Especially the guys.
Apparently a great many of the male respondents had issues with a woman replying to an unwelcomed advance with anything other than the prettiest of manners.
Today this response made it's way to K&P, and it's brilliant: Entitled asshats don't deserve politeness.
(That's not the real title, just my two cents, BTW)
In it the author (who is highly educated and who dealt with abusive and predatory behaviors in an official capacity) states, "See, in the world of a predator, polite behaviors are the characteristics of a ‘mark’, an easy victim. My studies repeatedly reported that women who walk with their heads down, dress conservatively, speak softly and are polite as in ‘old school’ polite are seen by predators as more likely victims. It’s a myth that the confident, loud or even sexily dressed women draw the predator. The loud woman who walks with her head up and appears confident is more likely to make a fuss. More trouble makes it harder for the abusive individual to get what they want."
And that makes sense, which brings me to the point of my bloggy thing:
When newbie subs enter the Kinkyverse they're often buried under and figurative mountain of polite, and far more often, impolite virtual advances. One of the questions they will end up asking is "How do I respond to a dom when I'm not interested?"
And without fail, they will get the answer "Respond politely and respectfully..."
That's not surprising. Loads of people think that just because some random Dudebro has given himself a title he deserves respect (he doesn't), and loads of folks think that the appropriate way to respond to an advance from a stranger is with politeness... There's a lot of social conditioning that comes into play here.
There's also a lot of entitlement from some (I'm not going to say ALL) guys when it comes to unwelcome advances.
Those guys get really pissy when confronted with the fact that their advances might not be welcome and that a woman has the right to rebuff that advance in whatever way she sees fit. They think that just because they managed to make their way over to a random woman and managed to open their yap to make noises come out, she's obligated to respond nicely to them.
"If I've drummed up enough courage to approach you, the least you can do is be nice to me..."
Because: Entitlement.
And because guys just don't understand what it's like to be a girl, minding her own business, only to have some dudebro who thinks he's entitled to her time come and hit on/"compliment"/whatever her because that's what he wants (so who care if she doesn't want that).
And never mind the fact that there are some guys won't take a polite "no thanks" for an answer and see that polite turn-down as a soft "yes" to their unwelcome advances.
All of that brings me to this:
There are quite a few unpleasant people in the Kinkyverse, just like there are quite a few unpleasant people in Vanillaland, and those people- The ones who ping your Gut's internal Creep Radar? They don't deserve a "polite and respectful" decline. They deserve whatever you feel you need to say to get them to leave you the fuck alone, and if that response is "None of your fucking business" or "Leave me the fuck alone"? You have every right to say that. How they feel about it? It's not your problem.
Make a fuss if you need to.
(and seriously, if you're a member of Fet, go read that brilliant post).
Almost a week ago this post appeared on Fetlife and made it's way to K&P: None of your fucking business.
The gist of the story is that a lady, enjoying a coffee at the mall on her own was approached by some creepy guy who asked her, "What's your name, sweetheart?"
She responded by telling him that her name was none of his fucking business, and the responders to that post went, well... Postal. Especially the guys.
Apparently a great many of the male respondents had issues with a woman replying to an unwelcomed advance with anything other than the prettiest of manners.
Today this response made it's way to K&P, and it's brilliant: Entitled asshats don't deserve politeness.
(That's not the real title, just my two cents, BTW)
In it the author (who is highly educated and who dealt with abusive and predatory behaviors in an official capacity) states, "See, in the world of a predator, polite behaviors are the characteristics of a ‘mark’, an easy victim. My studies repeatedly reported that women who walk with their heads down, dress conservatively, speak softly and are polite as in ‘old school’ polite are seen by predators as more likely victims. It’s a myth that the confident, loud or even sexily dressed women draw the predator. The loud woman who walks with her head up and appears confident is more likely to make a fuss. More trouble makes it harder for the abusive individual to get what they want."
And that makes sense, which brings me to the point of my bloggy thing:
When newbie subs enter the Kinkyverse they're often buried under and figurative mountain of polite, and far more often, impolite virtual advances. One of the questions they will end up asking is "How do I respond to a dom when I'm not interested?"
And without fail, they will get the answer "Respond politely and respectfully..."
That's not surprising. Loads of people think that just because some random Dudebro has given himself a title he deserves respect (he doesn't), and loads of folks think that the appropriate way to respond to an advance from a stranger is with politeness... There's a lot of social conditioning that comes into play here.
There's also a lot of entitlement from some (I'm not going to say ALL) guys when it comes to unwelcome advances.
Those guys get really pissy when confronted with the fact that their advances might not be welcome and that a woman has the right to rebuff that advance in whatever way she sees fit. They think that just because they managed to make their way over to a random woman and managed to open their yap to make noises come out, she's obligated to respond nicely to them.
"If I've drummed up enough courage to approach you, the least you can do is be nice to me..."
Because: Entitlement.
And because guys just don't understand what it's like to be a girl, minding her own business, only to have some dudebro who thinks he's entitled to her time come and hit on/"compliment"/whatever her because that's what he wants (so who care if she doesn't want that).
And never mind the fact that there are some guys won't take a polite "no thanks" for an answer and see that polite turn-down as a soft "yes" to their unwelcome advances.
All of that brings me to this:
There are quite a few unpleasant people in the Kinkyverse, just like there are quite a few unpleasant people in Vanillaland, and those people- The ones who ping your Gut's internal Creep Radar? They don't deserve a "polite and respectful" decline. They deserve whatever you feel you need to say to get them to leave you the fuck alone, and if that response is "None of your fucking business" or "Leave me the fuck alone"? You have every right to say that. How they feel about it? It's not your problem.
Make a fuss if you need to.
(and seriously, if you're a member of Fet, go read that brilliant post).
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Free Movie Passes = Cookie & Squeaky see Fifty Shades of Grey
I'm not going to write about the movie.
Plenty of people have written about the movie.
They've critiqued the action, the relationship it portrays, the acting, the technical screw-ups in the kinky scenes... That has been done to hell and back and I'm not going to flog a dead horse.
Instead, I'm going to talk about Fantasy Vs Reality and why it matters, here, in the aftermath of my Fifty Shades viewing experience.
People like to poo-poo the effects that Fifty Shades of Grey can have on the Vanilla community.
"It's just fiction!" they exclaim.
"You wouldn't watch a movie about the Roman Empire and think that was real, would you?" They ask, rhetorically.
"People know what's real and not real." They say.
That's the defense for everything that's wrong about this movie and the books.
Those are (kind of) fair enough arguments and protestations. When people know better, when they're educated on a topic, it's easy to look at a book and be secure in the knowledge that hey! This is fiction! I shouldn't base my expectations of Romans on a book or a movie.
Now, pretend that you're watching any popular movie about Romans. Let's say it has Russell Crowe in it.
Ooo. There's Russell Crowe on a pretty white horse... Looks good, right?
Now, Find the historical inaccuracy.
If you're like me, constantly picking up bits of useless knowledge, you've seen it already and you're probably snickering to yourself over such an obvious blunder.
But if you don't know, how are you supposed to see what's wrong with the image I've presented you with?
If you don't know that a fictional portrayal is inaccurate, how are you supposed to know that there's something wrong with it?
Fifty Shades of Grey is like that image of Russell Crowe.
I know that image is inaccurate because I'm a history buff. (it's the stirrups that are totally wrong)
We know that Fifty Shades is inaccurate because we do kink.
Your average vanilla person whose only experience of kink has probably been through stereotypical portrayals of BDSM in the media... How are they supposed to know what they don't know? Yeah, it's fiction, but what parts are accurate and what parts are not? In an incredibly popular book and movie where they stereotypes are so widely accepted that they might as well represent "reality"... How does someone without a kinky background cherry pick the truth from the stereotype?
They can't and it's foolish to think that they can.
Fifty Shades of Grey presents it's audience with a Vanilla's caricature of who we are and what we do.
It says to that audience that Dominants are abusive, self-serving, narcissistic asswads with mommy issues, abuse issues, and god only knows what other sorts of mental health issues.
It says that submissives are inept, spineless wimps who are a danger to themselves because they're so painfully clueless.
It says pretty much every single nasty stereotype that people have spent years trying to eradicate in the Kinkyverse and feeds that to a mostly vanilla audience as the truth- And they're allowing themselves to be spoon fed that drivel. Paying for the privilege, even.
sigh
All during that movie as I listened to the audience around us snicker, gasp, and then mutter angrily at scenes where the Uber Most Domly Dom in the World did shit that even they found beyond the pale... As I winced, and flailed angrily, and tried to keep my mutterings quiet, I kept looking at Cookie, wondering.
I wondered what the people around us would see if they knew he was a Dominant. I wondered what his family would see and our friends who didn't know any better would see, and later when we discussed the movie and how we felt about it my heart hurt for him as he said, "I'd be afraid to come out of the closet now."
Poo-poo, it's just ten words. No big deal. It's not really fear...
Think about it...
He's not really afraid that family and friends would think less of him, is he?
He is.
Before this, All of my ranting was based on hypotheticals. It was based on a book and even my own willingness to think less of the potential outcome- How much harm could a one hundred and twenty-five minute movie really do? What can't I easily combat with logic and reason? What can't I fix with enough time and enough words?
The broader implications of the blurring of Fiction and Fact and the general population's inability to differentiate between the two because they lack the knowledge to do so means that in one fell swoop, E.L. James has turned good men into monsters, and monsters into dominants in the eyes of millions.
But worst of all- She's taught my Cookie that this is how the world sees him- As a monster of some sort, a broken man, an abuser, as someone who needs to be fixed.
And I hate her for that.
Plenty of people have written about the movie.
They've critiqued the action, the relationship it portrays, the acting, the technical screw-ups in the kinky scenes... That has been done to hell and back and I'm not going to flog a dead horse.
Instead, I'm going to talk about Fantasy Vs Reality and why it matters, here, in the aftermath of my Fifty Shades viewing experience.
People like to poo-poo the effects that Fifty Shades of Grey can have on the Vanilla community.
"It's just fiction!" they exclaim.
"You wouldn't watch a movie about the Roman Empire and think that was real, would you?" They ask, rhetorically.
"People know what's real and not real." They say.
That's the defense for everything that's wrong about this movie and the books.
Those are (kind of) fair enough arguments and protestations. When people know better, when they're educated on a topic, it's easy to look at a book and be secure in the knowledge that hey! This is fiction! I shouldn't base my expectations of Romans on a book or a movie.
Now, pretend that you're watching any popular movie about Romans. Let's say it has Russell Crowe in it.
Ooo. There's Russell Crowe on a pretty white horse... Looks good, right?
Now, Find the historical inaccuracy.
If you're like me, constantly picking up bits of useless knowledge, you've seen it already and you're probably snickering to yourself over such an obvious blunder.
But if you don't know, how are you supposed to see what's wrong with the image I've presented you with?
If you don't know that a fictional portrayal is inaccurate, how are you supposed to know that there's something wrong with it?
Fifty Shades of Grey is like that image of Russell Crowe.
I know that image is inaccurate because I'm a history buff. (it's the stirrups that are totally wrong)
We know that Fifty Shades is inaccurate because we do kink.
Your average vanilla person whose only experience of kink has probably been through stereotypical portrayals of BDSM in the media... How are they supposed to know what they don't know? Yeah, it's fiction, but what parts are accurate and what parts are not? In an incredibly popular book and movie where they stereotypes are so widely accepted that they might as well represent "reality"... How does someone without a kinky background cherry pick the truth from the stereotype?
They can't and it's foolish to think that they can.
Fifty Shades of Grey presents it's audience with a Vanilla's caricature of who we are and what we do.
It says to that audience that Dominants are abusive, self-serving, narcissistic asswads with mommy issues, abuse issues, and god only knows what other sorts of mental health issues.
It says that submissives are inept, spineless wimps who are a danger to themselves because they're so painfully clueless.
It says pretty much every single nasty stereotype that people have spent years trying to eradicate in the Kinkyverse and feeds that to a mostly vanilla audience as the truth- And they're allowing themselves to be spoon fed that drivel. Paying for the privilege, even.
sigh
All during that movie as I listened to the audience around us snicker, gasp, and then mutter angrily at scenes where the Uber Most Domly Dom in the World did shit that even they found beyond the pale... As I winced, and flailed angrily, and tried to keep my mutterings quiet, I kept looking at Cookie, wondering.
I wondered what the people around us would see if they knew he was a Dominant. I wondered what his family would see and our friends who didn't know any better would see, and later when we discussed the movie and how we felt about it my heart hurt for him as he said, "I'd be afraid to come out of the closet now."
Poo-poo, it's just ten words. No big deal. It's not really fear...
Think about it...
He's not really afraid that family and friends would think less of him, is he?
He is.
Before this, All of my ranting was based on hypotheticals. It was based on a book and even my own willingness to think less of the potential outcome- How much harm could a one hundred and twenty-five minute movie really do? What can't I easily combat with logic and reason? What can't I fix with enough time and enough words?
The broader implications of the blurring of Fiction and Fact and the general population's inability to differentiate between the two because they lack the knowledge to do so means that in one fell swoop, E.L. James has turned good men into monsters, and monsters into dominants in the eyes of millions.
But worst of all- She's taught my Cookie that this is how the world sees him- As a monster of some sort, a broken man, an abuser, as someone who needs to be fixed.
And I hate her for that.
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