Hi there new person who has discovered an interest in BDSM, welcome to The Kinkyverse!
I bet you're all sorts of excited and curious about things you may have recently read in popular novels, bad erotica, or have seen in blockbuster movies or titillating porn. Things that involve fun, kinky, sexy times, and things that involve domination and submission.
And that's cool. We all had to start somewhere.
But here's the kick in the nuts you might not be thinking about- BDSM isn't just something that everybody can go and do without at least a little information. Trying out kink without the info you need to play safely isn't a good idea.
Think about it this way: Would you show your little sibling/cousin/kid (any young person, really) how to start your car and then hand them the keys to go for a joyride?
Hell no! You'd know that was a bad idea because there's a lot more to driving a car safely than just than knowing how to start it.
Kink is like that.
Authors and film directors have shown you how to start up your kinky car, but they haven't shown you how to drive it safely, and I really don't think you want to wreck up your shiny, new kinky hooptie like this guy did:
19 year-old charged with assault, claims he was reenacting 50SoG
Now, I don't want this blog to be all blamey and "you should have know better" because, well, those kids involved didn't know what they didn't know... And really, with the kink community keeping itself crammed way back in the closet it's easy to understand why they didn't know what they needed to know to play safe. They were handed the keys to a shiny new kinkmobile and were told to take it for a spin... It's no wonder they wrecked it.
The wrong way to do BDSM is doing it based on crap that will harm you or harm someone else.
So how do you do BDSM safely when you're a beginner and you don't know what you should know?
FIRST!- Forget about everything you've ever read about in erotica and forget everything you've seen in films. Those are good places to get ideas for things you'd like to try, but they're not good for anything other than that.
Beyond that- Fictional films and books are crap at teaching you anything of value. Nothing you've read or seen is anywhere close to how BDSM works for real people. NOTHING.
Basing your play on fiction is a great way to harm someone and/or wind up in the pokey.
That 19 year-old kid tried it and he's been arrested. Don't be that kid.
SECOND! Join Fetlife. Fetlife is a FREE social networking site for the BDSM and fetish community. Once you've joined, hit the "Groups" link at the top of the page.
Then, next to the grey search bar to the right you will see two links, click on "Most Popular Groups."
At the very top of the list that will appear is the group "Novices & Newbies."
JOIN THAT GROUP.
That's it.
Novices & Newbies has an FAQ section that contains every single thing you could ever want to know about BDSM in general. Take a week or two (at least!) to read those posts in the FAQ to at least get an idea of how BDSM works in real life for real people.
If you have questions, ask the group members.
At the time of posting there are 167,431 people in that group who are ready and willing to help you out.
If you're interested in submission, the third group on the list is Submissive Women. Join that group.
Their FAQs about submission are great for the beginner submissive, and the ladies (although they can be blunt) are some of the most helpful people you could hope to encounter.
WARNING! There are trolls who prey on new people to Fetlife. The will message you with offers to mentor, train, or play with you... Do not accept their offers. Anything you need to know you can find in the groups. You don't need a mentor, trainer, or whatever.
WARNING! There are jackasses who will try to top you without your consent. Ignore them. Better yet, block them and delete their message. You don't need them, nor are you ready to play with them yet (even if you might be interested). Wait until you've done your reading so that when you are ready to play you'll know how to go about playing safely. Please.
THIRD!- Read this blog. I've written TONS of stuff about safety, about how incorrect the BDSM stereotypes are, about finding compatible partners to play or have a relationship with... Tons of stuff. I'm also totally happy to try to answer any questions you might have. ANY QUESTION. in my experience, there are no stupid questions. If you don't want to ask in the blog, I'm cool with emails- squeakings@gmail.com
FOURTH! There is nothing wrong with being new and perhaps kinda clueless.
Everybody was new and clueless once. I was new and clueless once. Even John Warren (author of The Loving Dominant) was probably new and clueless once, and now he's a super awesome guy who writes books about BDSM. Real books, not the fictional sort!
Nobody knows the stuff they need to know when they're new. Everybody starts off clueless.
FIFTH! (And Finally!) Take your time.
Slow the fuck down.
It's not a race.
She who finds a Domly Dom first does not win (and in fact will probably end up pretty unhappy with her choice if she doesn't know how to make that choice wisely).
You have all the time in the world... And sure, it might not feel like it if you've got a case of the Frenzy nipping at your proverbial 5 inch heels, but you do.
Gah!
This message brought to you by the letters WTF, the number 27 (the amount of clueless newbs who posted in my Fet groups the other day), and my unending frustration with folks who cannot seem to fathom the fact that BDSM is not a safe, turtle-shaped plastic sandbox in their overly protective parents yard.
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