The Annotated Submissive Owner's Manual

Sometimes I find pretty great things on the internet. Or I think that I've found something pretty great until that point comes where the I mentally hear the screech of a needle flying across a vinyl record because "All submissives X".

And then I sigh and either move on or decide to create an annotated version of whatever it is that I've found.

This one? It's annotated because quite a bit of it is One True Wayish. I think that may be because it was written by her for her partner and not as a guide for every D/s relationship, but it is being passed around as a guide so I thought I'd annotate it to provide another perspective.

written by: Jade Richardson, 1997

We often confuse these two things: I WANT and I NEED. Although they may seem to be the same at first glance, there is a huge difference in the two. We want a lot of things in life; money, new cars, a beautiful home, success, and hot fudge sundaes, just to name a few. But how many of them do we really need? Very often the things we want are not always things that are the best for us and are usually self-indulgent wishes that change as fast as the top ten hits on VH1. "Needs" are a different situation. They are the fundamentals we require to remain mentally and physically healthy and allow us to grow spiritually and emotionally. I may really want a hot fudge sundae but survive quite well without it. But, I cannot thrive without my basic needs being met.

We've had many encounters with unhappy submissives who bemoan the fact their Dominant does not give them what they need. As we listen to the list of complaints, we sometimes find a lot of "wants" mixed in with a few valid "needs" in the charges against their Dominant. Sorting them out isn't always easy for either the submissive or Dominant in a relationship. Each person is unique and comes with their own special requirements. Without a doubt, this is one area that requires communication skills and time before either party can confidently determine what they want or need from the other. The Submissive Owner's Manual may help you to understand some of the complexities of the Dominant/submissive relationship.
And before taking any of this as holy gospel, be sure to talk to your partner to see how these "needs" align with her need because they may be different.

Submissive Owner's Manual
I need to feel safe

• Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You, I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I've given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.
• Well, I don't have a submissive "nature," and I don't actually give up my will (I just control my actions in a way that please my partner)... But yeah. I need to feel safe and I need to trust my partner in order to have a happy and fulfilling dynamic.

I need to know You accept me for all I am

• I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.
• Hooray! I love this one. Being accepted for the person you are (not the person they imagine you might be or that they might want you to be) is pretty effing awesome.

I need to have clearly defined limits

• I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.
• Ok, so I'm not a kid nor am I anything like a kid, but like most people I like knowing what's expected of me. It helps cut down on confusion and frustration that can occur when expectations are wishy-washy and ill-defined.

I need You to be consistent

• I need to know You mean what You say and that today's rules will apply to tomorrow's behavior. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You've given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You've chosen for me. It's not done to try Your patience, but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it's not done consciously and I promise I'll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.
• I don't "test" my partner, but I am a firm believer in consistency. I like knowing what's expected of me and I like knowing what I can expect from my partner. Those things both contribute to feeling secure.

I need to expand my limits

• I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I'll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I've been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I'm unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.
• NO. I need you to respect my limits and stay the hell away from them unless I specifically tell you that a gentle prod at them is Ok... Which I won't do because my limits are limits for a damn good reason.

I need You to teach me

• I need to learn, and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.
• Now I don't recall if they had Google all the way back in 1997, but I have it now. If I'm curious about something and want to learn more about it- I'll use Google to find information on my own (which I prefer. I think that doing my own research is more stimulating than having info handed to me).

I need goals

• Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction, I quickly become lost so I'll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive.
• I am not goal oriented, I'm actually pleasure oriented, and I hate goals. They annoy me. Also, having it implied that submissives become lost without Domly guidance annoys me as well.

I need to be corrected

• I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction, I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I've made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You've set for me.
• I don't need to be corrected, per say, but I do think that when a mistake is made that having a conversation about it and how to avoid it in the future is beneficial.

I need You to be my role-model

• I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviors on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly pattern myself in Your image, so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as You face Your own challenges and daily activities.
• Nope. My role models were my folks when I was small and needed role models, but I am no longer small and Cookie is not my parent.

I need Your approval and reassurance

• I need to know when You approve of me or what I've done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I'm unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I'm confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.
• I do need positive feedback on occasion. Without that I feel unappreciated and become resentful. occasionally I appreciate being reassured, even if that reassurance sounds an awful lot like "Suck it up, Buttercup. It's not that bad."

I need to be able to express myself

• I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren't something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I'm upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings, there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.
• I don't agree with that way that this is worded (it's a bit to flowery for my tastes), but I do agree with the sentiment. I agree that both partners need to feel safe to express themselves in a way that benefits the relationship.

I need to learn from my mistakes

• I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I've done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I've faced my failure, but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.
• OK, this is kind of weird, but valuable- Learning from mistakes helps keep someone from repeating that mistake and can also help them to learn to do whatever failed, better the next time.

I need forgiveness when I fail You

• Nothing hurts me more than to know I've failed or displeased You, and I need to be forgiven once I've made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.
• Eeeehhhh... SOME people feel this way. For others, like me, just knowing that a screw-up has been forgiven is enough. If you say, "It's forgiven" I'm going to take you at your word.

I need to feel I contribute

• I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer.
• I do not have a "Deep-set need to give" but like most folks (I think) I like being useful. Being able to do for others when you can, especially if you can do something you're really great at, is a nice feeling.

I need to enjoy successes

• Without experiencing and enjoying my successes, I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savoring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You. I don't expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I've reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don't deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I've achieved a goal You've set.
• OK, the thing about this... What sort of partner would want to rain on their partner's parade? That's really shitty, and it's super shitty that she felt the need to ask her partner (or dominants in general) not to rain on her (the submissive's) parade. I mean, wow. Who would do that?

I need to share with You

• Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings, but those are the things I need to share the most. I'll depend on You to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I'll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.
• Eh. I like sharing things with my partner because I think that communication fosters intimacy.

I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership

• No matter how well I've done or how miserably I've failed, I need to know I'm still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in return. I can't survive without it.
• Dunno about you, but I'm not sure I'd want to be in a relationship where fearing the loss of my partner's love or respect was a thing. So maybe she means that she needs to feel that those are not things? Meh.
• Also- I'm Ex Army. I protect myself.

Consent in BDSM Vs Consent in Fifty Shades of Grey

Consent, in the context of Vanilla (non-kinky) life is usually a pretty straight forward thing.

If someone says "Yes" they are consenting to an activity.
If someone says "No" they do not consent to that activity.

It's pretty simple, right?

And I suspect that's why, in Fifty Shades of Grey, the issue of consent as it's practiced in The Kinkyverse is a little (or a lot) misunderstood.

In the books and movies, Ana says "Yes" at one point and that one yes is being used to excuse Christian's inexcusable behavior. That one "Yes" is the reason some people outside the Kinkyverse are saying, "It's not abuse, it's consensual kink!"

The problem is- That's not how consent works in the Kinkyverse. There are shades of consent, and probably far more than fifty of them.

Our consent is a highly complex issue, and using Ana as an example, a great many responsible, educated kinksters would not count her wishy-washy "Yes" as consent. Why?

Well, first because Christian is asking for something called Blanket Consent. It's the type of consent that applies to everything that may be asked of a person in a relationship, and is usually reserved for people who know what they're getting into or people who have been practicing their relationship dynamic for some time. Nobody worth their beans would request blanket consent from a newbie because a newbie cannot make that sort of informed decision.

A newbie, who knows nothing, cannot give informed consent, so if Ana can't give her consent because she lacks the information to make a wise choice, that "Yes" is null and void.

Informed consent is what kinksters should be aiming for (and as much as I hate saying "should" about anything, I'll make an exception for this because it's that important).

Informed consent doesn't just mean that you simply know what a butt plug is, to use Ana again as an example.
It means that you understand and accept the risks involved in playing with that certain toy and finding those risks acceptable you still agree to play with that toy. The same goes for any BDSM play or practices a person might participate in- Informed consent means that you know exactly what it is you're agreeing to and you understand and accept all of the risks that may be involved in what you're agreeing to, and you still want to give your consent.

Which moves us on to another point in the consent discussion- Wanting to consent.

First, someone has to freely agree to something for it to be considered consent.
What this means is that with no outside influence or pressure they decide that what they are agreeing to is what they want.
Ana's consent was not freely given in the books. Often when she agreed to something it was because Christian was threatening her with something else that she found even less pleasant than what was about to happen.
It's not consent if there is coercion involved (the practice of persuading someone to do something by using force or threats).

Second is the really wanting bit- I like to call it Enthusiastic Consent.
"Eh, I guess I'll do this kink thing because otherwise I might end up a spinster with 50 grey cats" isn't really enthusiastic, is it?
"I guess I'll do this kinky thing because if I don't he'll dump me." doesn't sound all that enthusiastic either, does it?
It kind of sounds like that person is choosing what they consider to be the least bad thing of two pretty shitty things, not like someone who is consenting because "Hey, this kink thing sounds lie it'll be a hell of a lot of fun and WOOOoooOO! I want to play!"

And you know, there are plenty of people who consent to kinky play they're not all that thrilled about because they want to please their partner, but even then it's not a "Eh" kind of consent, it's a "Woo! He's going to be so happy and that makes me happy! Wooo!" or a thing that they find adds to their fulfillment in other ways.

Poor Ana never has a "Woo!" moment about consenting to kink. It's all kind of sad and makes her feel bad about herself and she doesn't want it. She doesn't want to submit...

So what kind of consent is that?

Kink really should contribute to a person feeling good about their relationship, the other person in that relationship, and themselves. The people in that relationship- ALL the people involved- Should be giving informed, enthusiastic consent to the play and the dynamic they are planning on instituting in that relationship.

And finally, one of the most troubling aspects of consent in 50SoG...

Revoking Consent.

Any type of consent, even blanket consent, can be revoked at any time.

At one point in the book Christian enters Ana's home and proceeds to... Chastise? Punish? Threaten? her in her bedroom.
Ana says "No."
Readers know that what she's referring to is the idea that she may have stinky feet. Christian DOES NOT know this as he cannot hear her thoughts. He heard "no" and what did he do? He didn't stop. In the books this is portrayed as "Dominance"... It's NOT.

A boy heard "no" the other day when reenacting a scene from Fifty Shades with a lady friend, he didn't stop, and in real life that has some pretty nasty words associated with it- Assault and Rape.

Once someone revokes their consent- With whatever words they chose to say (No, Stop, Red, Whatever), you STOP and after you stop you communicate about why your partner felt you needed to stop.

When consent is removed you are no longer participating in consensual kinky fun times with your enthusiastic, consenting partner. What you're doing is assaulting them in a way that can be persecuted by law enforcement officials.

And honestly, this is only the tip of the iceburg when it comes to consent in the Kinkyverse. The nuances and shades of it are so complex that even for experienced kinksters it can get confusing... So I don't really blame the Vanilla folks for not understanding it. They can't be expected to know what they don't know.

But... It's not that hard to learn the basics either.

Squeaky Answers: "I like this Dom, but..."

"...but he's into poly and I'm really not and he's not willing to change. Advice?"

Ah. An issue as old as time. Girl meets boy, boy is absolutely perfect except for one thing, girl wants to change boy or change herself to suit boy...

In vanilla books and movies this is the sort of thing that's easily fixed within 400 pages (give or take a hundred) or 120 minutes as long as one of the partners just tries had enough to be exactly what the other wants.

In kinky books and movies, it's a slightly different story- If the submissive partner submits despite the other partner's issue, eventually the other partner will realize how much he loves the sub and will change to suit her needs (50SoG, anyone?).

I'm sorry to say that in real life, it doesn't work that way. It never works that way.

The first problem we have here is the basic idea (from popular fiction) that people are somehow obligated to change for us just because we want them to or that we're obligated to "suffer for their love" until they're willing to change for us... And that's pretty shitty if you think about it because that means that until (if) that magical change happens- One of you is going to be pretty damn miserable.

The second problem is the notion that submissive people are kind of expected to suffer through relationships that don't fulfill their desires or needs. Why?
A) Because eventually the magical change will happen
B) Because a submissive's wants and needs are not that important
C) Because bad fiction.

So here's the thing- Fiction is fiction for a reason. It can use stupid plot devices to drive a story because in the end the author is going to give their characters the happily ever after that they want (or to give the audience the wank fodder that they want).

In real life, you don't have an author hovering over you just waiting to turn your frog into a prince. You have a real life guy who is probably pretty happy with his life as it is, who wants to do his thing, and is under no obligation to change to please you. He doesn't have to be willing to change for you.

Likewise, you don't have to be willing to change for him either.

So where does that leave you?

With three choices:
A) You can chalk this guy up as incompatible and move on.
B) You can seek out a dominant partner who is compatible with your wants and needs for a relationship.
C) You can try to change yourself to suit him.

And before you jump on C and decide to be the best chameleon submissive ever- Think it through... Can you be happy and fulfilled in a relationship where your fundamental need for monogamy is not being met? Can you be happy and fulfilled sharing your partner with others? Can you be happy and fulfilled knowing that he may not spend important holidays, family functions, or other events with you because of scheduling conflicts or emergencies with other partners? Can you be happy and fulfilled when not being true to yourself?

Poly isn't easy. There is a lot of work that goes into ensuring that everybody involved has a relationship that meets their needs. Can you do that work?

Yes?
No?

TL;DR
Move on. Find someone who doesn't need to change to be who you want, and who wants you just the way you are. Odds are good that you'll both be better off.

Squeaky's Very Bad Day.

Cookie and I have three cars.

There's the GoKart, my little grey sporty looking thing. I love it. It's adorable. And uninsured.

There's my Mom's Evilnox. It's insured because my mom wants to keep it on the road, but since she has no place to park it at her new condo it lives at my house. In return for my car babysitting skills (easiest babysitting job ever) I get to drive it around.

And then there's the Trusty Buick. That's Cookie's car. It's been having heater issues, but it's cool because the heat blows just fine on the highest setting, even if the lower settings blow no heat at all.

We often joke about how if something goes wrong with the Buick we don't have to worry because of our stable of back-up cars, just waiting to spring into action.

So... recently we've been experiencing a bit of a cold snap. Last Friday when I tried to start the Evilnox (after digging it out of a two foot deep snow drift), it didn't start. Which sucked, but it's not the end of the world. We figured that we'd get around to jumping it eventually when the temperature ventured back into the above zero range.

Now, due to the non-starting car and the uninsured car and our lack of laundry-doing facilities at home, Cookie ran out of clothes. Also not a big deal. On Thursday we loaded the laundry into the Buick and set off.

The plan was: I drop him at work, go do laundry, run some errands, and eventually pick him up when his shift ended.

What actually happened: On the coldest damn day of the year (4 above, wind chill hovering in the negative teens), we set off. Deciding that we were hungry and in need of nibbles, we stopped to grab a burger at Wendy's.

I turned down the heat because it's loud and when I worked fast food I hated trying to decipher what someone was ordering when I couldn't hear them over their heater/music/screaming kids... I was being thoughtful.

And then, the heat didn't turn back on.

Longest, coldest drive ever. 30 minutes to Cookie's work and 40 minutes home.

After defrosting my feet/hands/face I figured that I'd finally go and jump the Evilnox. I dig out the two foot drift in front of the car, shovel off the hood, stick my hand in there to release the latch... And nothing. The latch won't move. The hood stays firmly shut. Cookie laughs via text at my weak girl fingers.

I go back inside, thaw out once more, and listen to Cookie's ideas about What Is Wrong With The Car. He thinks it's the Blower Motor Resistor and can I go pick one up? Sure I can.

And hey, maybe it's this HVAC relay thing, so how about I get one of those as well?

So I head uptown (which is actually, oddly, south of us), nearly freeze to death, acquire the parts, and head home.

Being slightly car-savvy, I replaced the relay thingy with ease. I was hoping that would do the trick... It didn't. So I stand there, looking at the car, at the ice on my driveway, all while trying to keep my back to the wind... How the hell am I supposed to replace this other part without getting frostbite?

My mom has a garage! Yay, mom! It'll be ass cold, but at least there won't be any wind.

More super-cold driving and I've got the Buick tucked up snug as a bug in a rug. The garage was much smaller than I remember it being. Thankfully, with the driver's side of the car right up against the wall I can open the passenger side door all the way- Which I need to do because this stupid Blower Motor Resistor is up under the dash on that side.

More good news! Because it was laundry day and all the dirty laundry is in the car I don't have to actually sit on the concrete floor, though my towels may never fully recover.

I'm thinking this should be easy. I watched a few youtube videos, I found a blog with pictures, I'm not totally inept... Then I encountered The Christmas Tree Peg Things From Hell.

Cookie says it looks like a butt plug from hell.

I'm pretty sure there is a special place in hell reserved for whoever decided to use those things instead of a nice, easy to remove screw. You can't just pull them out and I guess there's some special tool to remove them... But lacking the tool I used brute strength and Hulk style rage to remove them. I also managed to bash my head into the dash in the process. Ow.

Right. Kick thingy off, I cram myself into the foot well to find the BMR, and there it is right where the video and blog said it would be... Waaaaaaaay back, behind the blower fan, right up against the firewall in a place where only a professional contortionist can reach it.  A very skinny professional contortionist with hands the size of baby starfish.

I got one of the three screws off using the ratchet thing that Cookie had conveniently left in the trunk of his car and was insanely, painfully cold on my poor bare fingers.

The next step was "Use a screwdriver to unclip wires from BMR and from Blower fan..." It didn't happen. I tried to make it happen for an hour, but the BMR hated my guts and the feeling was entirely mutual.

By this time it was about 9, the temperature was hovering somewhere around 2 below, and there's only so much that a girl can take. When my mom got home I begged to use her car to pick up Cookie from work. My mom loves me so she agreed... But I had to bring the car back because she had stuff to do Friday. Mom doesn't love me that much.

So- Pick up Cookie, go back to mom's, pick up Buick... And now it's 8 below and as soon as we start breathing the Buick starts fogging up and freezing over. So Cookie and I drive home with the windows down.

We thaw out at home for an hour or so and then he tries to open the Evilnox's hood... No doing. So much for my weak girl fingers.

I try to start the GoKart, the vehicle of last resort. No surprise, he's not playing ball. He's also nearly out of gas (damn white trash neighbors keep siphoning my gas), so even if we did get him started he wouldn't run long enough to get to the gas station.

Nothing else left to do, I wrap Cookie up in a bunch of blankies and he somehow, miraculously, gets all the clips unclipped from the BMR only to find out that the final two screw on the damn thing are BEHIND THE FIREWALL.

Says I, "Dude. Just plug the new one in and let it dangle. Who cares? It's effing cold (negative 14 says my phone with a wind chill of -30), I can't feel my anything, and you need heat to drive to work."

So he does and it works and we celebrated by driving the now-warm car up to McSlavelabor for a few burgers.

I did not turn the heat down when we ordered.

If Predatory 'doms" Wrote Notes:

Dear s-type Person.

I'm a complete stranger to you. I don't know you and I don't care about you. In fact, I care so little for you that if your teeth were on fire I wouldn't piss on your gums to put them out.

I don't know your name.
I don't know what your life is like.
I don't know what responsibilities you have, what your hopes and dreams are, or what value system you use to define the parameters of your actions.
I don't know any of that, and again, I don't care.

Because here's the thing- I see that you have applied an s-type label to yourself and to me that makes you fair game (and easy prey). And I'm really hoping that you know fuck-all about this BDSM thing because the more you know the less likely it'll be that I can take advantage of you.

I'm really hoping you're a straight-off-the-boat newb because when I tell you that I'm your D-type you'll be too ignorant and confused to tell me to get lost, and instead you'll just do whatever I say because I am, after-all the D-type and you're just the s-type, and I can prey on that confusion and insecurity by dangling the words real and true before you:
"A REAL submissive never says no"
"A TRUE submissive does whatever her dominant says"

And you'll fall for it. Hey, odds are good that even if you're not a newb you'll still fall for it. Nobody likes feeling insecure and I can and will use that. I'm a manipulative, self-serving jackass like that... Good thing manipulative, self-serving jackasses are really popular right now thanks to that movie and those books.

So, now that we've got that covered I'll tell you how this is going to go:
I'm now your D-type (because I say so) and you're my s-type.
I'm not going to bother to talk to you about limits, negotiations, compatibility, or communication because those things really put a damper on my game.
And if you bring them up?
I'll shoot you down or give you the silent treatment and you'll learn your lesson.
I'm going to tell you to do stupid, dangerous things, and you're going to do them.
I'm going to tell you that I want to be put on your bank accounts, I want your PIN numbers, I want you to send me risqué (or down-right filthy) pictures and videos... I may or may not share these with friends (for free or for profit). I may or may not use them to blackmail you.
I'll probably share you with my friends (for free or for profit).
I'll definitely have you do shit that would probably get you fired from your job/ get your kids taken away/ cause your entire community to ridicule or abhor you if they ever found out about it.
I might even want them to find out about it.

I have a lot of fun things planed for us.
(and yes, I know your little s-type heart just went pitter-pat because I used the word "us"... Too bad it means squat).

So...
I don't know you, I don't care about you, but you'll submit because if you don't you're not a real & true submissive, and if you question you're not a real & true submissive, and if you listen to the advice of other more experienced submissives or try to learn things on your own it means you doubt me and that's not real & true submissive behavior.

And if I ever actually said any of this you might get a clue... But you might not. But just in case I'll tone it down a bit when I actually do message you- You'll never see me coming.

Sincerely,
Lord High Dommypants.
Master of 23 slaves
Dom of 4 submissives
Owner of 15 pets
Daddy to 3 babygirls

Graduate of UberSupreme Dom Skool
Trainer, mentor, and super-accredited guy.
(You can trust me)
 
I only wish they were this obvious, but they're not so for Dog's sake GO LEARN A CLUE!

***This refreshed rant brought to you courtesy of the bajillion newbies who have joined Fet in the past few days, the predators who are having a heyday with the influx, and the "OMG! WHAT DO I DOOooooOOOoOo? My new "Dom" says..." posts all over the effing place. Eff that movie. Eff it right in the effing arse with an unlubed cinder bock. GAH!.

50 Shades of Grey: The Movie (where I waffle about, all indecisive)

I've been having this back and forth in my head for a while:
"We should go see that stupid movie."
"But it's going to suck."
"Yeah, but at least it'll give us something to write about..."
"But then we'll line that idiot author's pockets with even more cash. We don't want to do that."
"I know... But what self respecting, snarky writer would miss out on an opportunity like this? It'll be like shooting fish in a barrel."

Like that, for months.
In the end, I just can't make myself do it, I don't think. I've no problem sitting through really rancid movies, I've seen enough stinkers to know that about myself... But something rubs me the wrong way about paying cash to see something that pretty much goes against everything I try to express the importance of here. Consent, safety, healthy-happy relationships, "abuse is bad"... You know. Stuff like that.

So today I settled for watching the rating on rotten tomatoes (to my everlasting delight it started out low and then just got lower and lower as the evening passed. Currently it's at 27% approval rating on the Tomatometer ).

When I got home from doing Very Important Stuff and Things I started reading the actual reviews.

John Serba who writes for Mlive.com said- "Last time I checked, the desire to fast-forward through the boring stuff to get to the good stuff was a key characteristic of two specific genres: porn and ninja movies" and "Every line of dialog is loaded. Loaded like a diaper." Something stinks and I don't think it's your toddler...

Eric D. Snider from GeekNation pondered the future of the franchise in his witty, well-written review- "Presumably the sequels will explore forbidden taboos like "character development" and "plot." 50SoG makes sex more boring than you thought possible.

James Berardinelli of ReelViews opened his review with the line "Who would have imagined that a movie about sex could be so boring?" And drove that point home with "For most movies, a one or two sentence synopsis does a disservice - not so for Fifty Shades of Grey, which is so plot-deficient that its essence can be captured easily in a 140-character tweet: Shy college girl meets kinky rich dude who attempts to manipulate her into becoming a submissive to his dominant." 140 characters might be a bit generous.

Bill Clark (From The Balcony) called 50SoG "be the first film in history made specifically for the purposes of hate-watching." You'll love to hate me!

And I have to agree- I fully intend to hate the holy hell out of the movie just as soon as it's available on Netflix. I'm looking forward to that, at least.

Sadly, what I haven't seen yet are any reviews from the kink "community." You'd think that with a movie this big that portrays WIITWD on the big screen someone would have written something about it already... But then, maybe they're like me and have no desire to give EL James another, bigger, payday or to suffer through something else that slaughters the entire concept of healthy, happy kink.

Sigh.

So maybe I should go see it after all.

Goodness knows, I do enjoy a good snark, and getting annoyed by stupid shit is one of my favorite pass-time activities... And if I'm recalling correctly, Cookie's got two free movie passes in his wallet.

We shall see. Especially considering that tomorrow is VD and anything remotely couple-friendly is going to be a hot mess of jam-packed PDA consumer frenzy. Dunno if I'm that much of a masochist.

Edit to add:
I found this article by Salon that critiqued the BDSM in the movie, so maybe I can save myself a headache- The movie is even worse than the book.

Buying A Good Corset

I bought my first "corset" way back in 2000, before the internet was the place it is now and the shopping selection was rather limited. It came from Frederick's of Hollywood and man, was I stoked. I'd been drooling over corsets for as long as I could recall... And getting this one? It was awesome.

"Yeah, I'm looking at my boob. So what?"

I did up the little hook and eye closures, tugged the bejeesus out of the laces in back, and prepared to be awed by the effects of this long desired garment on my splendiferous self...

Is this supposed to look so painful?

It was like that, and I can assure you that it was even more uncomfortable than it looks (and it sure as hell looks plenty uncomfortable). Here I was with images of Super Sexy Squeaky cavorting through my head and what I got was something more like 180 pounds of Squeaky stuffed in a Casing not rated for that much awesome. Despondent, I tossed the damn thing in the back of my closet, never again to see the light of day.

I felt pretty bad. Nobody had told me that the reasons those Freddy's of Hollywood type corsets are only shown on thin models is because they're only fashion "corsets" and have all the structure of a lightly boned ballgown bodice (which is next to no structure). They're meant to be worn no tighter than a snug shirt- Which is why you never see a plump girl modeling them (as evinced by the above photos).

So! In order to save you from my disappointment, and because corsets are becoming so dang popular, I decided to put together a little How-To for buying your first real corset (or even just a better one if you already bought a disappointing cheapie).

First and foremost- When it comes to corsetry, you really do get what you pay for. Those 3 for $75 "deals" that sites like Corset Story run all the time won't get you a real corset no matter what the advertisements say. You can get decent starter corsets from them, but they're going to be somewhere in the $70-100+ range. Corsets are not garment that can be made cheaply and still function as a corset should.

Image courtesy of Orchard Corset

 

 

Take a second to compare this lady in blue to our unfortunate friend in black, above...

 

There's quite a bit of difference between the two pictures, right (and even though you can't see the front of the black corset, I assure you, it's no prettier than the back is)? I'll explain why that is:

 

Do you know how a snug shirt will want to ride up your hips and bunch around your waist? That's exactly what a corset would do if it wasn't boned. Boning is what supports the corset, it's like the corsets skeleton.

 

Cheap manufacturers use plastic or super low-grade flexible steel to bone their garments. This is Ok if you want to wear a corset-like garment no tighter than you'd wear a snug shirt and you're on the thinner side of the body-type spectrum, the cheap boning will keep the fabric from bunching. Any tighter than that, even if you're a smaller size, and that cheap boning will buckle and warp, exactly what happened to our friend in black.

 

The lady in blue? Her corset is boned with flat steel at the back along the grommets (which keeps it from looking all wavy) and in the front along the busk. Along the curved seams, like the bust, it's boned with this neat stuff called spiral steel- It's strong enough to flex with the garment and still provide support.

 

The tighter you want to wear your corset, the more important good, quality boning is to avoid the wrinkley-wavy look.

 

Who hasn't seen one of these on someone, somewhere?

Next up, the busk.

This is one of Corset Story's "steel boned" corsets (an OK corset but fair warning, they're not that curvy in real life). I liked the fabric and that the busk was visible.

The busk is the preferred style of closure for most corset enthusiasts. It's sturdy (in more expensive models, super cheap busks are a nightmare) and easy to open and close.

Really crappy fashion "corsets" close with hook-and-eye fasteners, the sort you find at the top of your zipper on a nice dress, or with cheap zippers. The white corset has hook-and-eye closure. Neither are effective closures for a corset that's going to be worn any thighter than the afore mentioned snug shirt.

Corsets that are a bit more expensive might use a busk, which is better. A busk adds structure to the front of a corset and acts as boning. But there's a problem- Cheap busks can warp, taking on this shape ( from the bust and stomach forcing the busk to conform to the wearer's body. A little warping is OK, a lot of warping can ruin the busk making it impossible to fasten and unfasten.

A good busk will remain flat, support the garment, and tame an unwanted tummy bulge (yay!). A good busk will not bend easily in your hands when you gently flex it (the same rule applies to boning: Good boning isn't very flexible). The better the busk used in the corset you wear, the better and longer the corset will be wearable.

I have this corset! Image from Orchard Corset.

The standard corset closes at the back (the back! Not the front!) with lacing. It's one of the most recognizable parts of corsetry, those crisscross laces.

Cheap and cheaper corsets use eyelets (made from one piece of metal in a flower shape that is pressed into place, causing the "petals" of the flower shape to curve around the fabric). By itself that's not so horrible, but they do have a tendency to tear out because the "petals" are sharp and can cut the surrounding fabric, and  they can snag your laces. If the manufacturers are really cheap and lazy they might use eyelet tape, horrid stuff that's not at all suitable for corsets.

They grey and blue corsets use grommets (two pieces of metal that are pressed together, into each other- Not into the fabric itself like eyelets). Grommets are sturdier, less likely to separate from the fabric, and are much, much smoother. They won't snag your laces.


Next Up: How the cut of the corset affects the shape it gives you...

First, we've got one of those cheapie corsets that I've been ragging on:

"Do these pasties make my boobs look silly?"

It took me a while to find an image that wasn't photoshopped, a nasty trick some sellers use to think you're getting this awesome, curvy corset when in fact you're getting a fabric tube with about as many curves as a ruler.

 

Next we've got another lady in blue:

I wish I knew who to credit this to because they deserve it.

Holy curves, Batman!
I have no idea who is responsible for the cut of that corset, but man... That is one sexy garment.

The difference between the pink tube and Black & Blue lady? The pattern, or "cut" of the garment.

Cheapies look like tubes because tubes are easy to make.
A structural marvel like the blue corset takes skill and effort to create.

Now you don't have to invest a small fortune to buy a curvy corset, Orchard Corset's 426 line can do amazing things to a waistline and on sale they're right in the $80-90 range. Sometimes cheaper if you get lucky... But you're not going to get curves like that from fashion corsets or a bustier, they are not made with materials that will hold up under that much strain.

Finally (finally!), material.

If you've ever been into a fabric store you know that nice material isn't cheap. A heavy brocade or satin is going to run between $10 to $20 per yard, so it makes sense that a nice corset is going to reflect that cost in its price.

The cheapest corset I currently own (purchased for a one-time costume) set me back a whopping $35 dollars on ebay. To be honest, it's not a horrid corset, but you can tell it didn't cost much to make. The boning and busk were flimsy, the cut was more fabric tube than Holy Curves, but you could tell they skimped on the fabric- The "satin" crinkled like tissue paper and it wasn't even lined. It just had felt over the bones and a fusible interfacing... Super cheap.

Had I worn it more than once, or tried to lace it tight, I'm pretty sure the seams would have given out. The poor thing just wasn't built to be a real corset.

A real corset? It's going to have between 2 and three layers of fabric in its construction. A cotton liner (often something heavy like duck) and then another heavy material as the fashion layer (brocade, satin, cotton, velvet, ect). If the fashion layer is something fragile like silk or lace, this layer will be on top of a middle layer.

The only exception to this are mesh corsets which I know next-to-nothing about. I don't much care for the look of them so I haven't researched them.

And I think that's it, without going super buck nuts on information. If you'd like to learn more on your own two of the best corset resources are:

Lucy's Corsetry
She has loads of helpful blogs and videos. Lucy is seriously awesome.

The Long Island Staylace Association
Seriously the BEST site for anything to do with corsets on the web.

Also:
Orchard Corset
Two of the corsets in this article are from Orchard Corset and I own two myself. Their quality for the cost cannot be beat, they make the best, affordable off the rack corsets, and even more wonderful? They have curve levels to fit multiple body types! They're also super helpful if you have any questions and they have blogs and vieos to help with selecting a corset. I cannot rave about them enough. Go check them out.

 

 

 

I'm Not Made of Steel: Submission and Stress

Life gets messy sometimes.
You're going to get sick or someone you care about is going to become ill.
Your job is sometimes going to be a real pain in the ass, or perhaps it will be schooling that has you wanting to bang your head on a desk.
If you've got kids or pets or anything dependent on you- They're going to make demands on your time.
The car is going to break down,  the heater is going to die in the middle of winter, an unexpected financial emergency is going to crop up.
At some point in time life is going to create the perfect storm of crappy circumstances because that's just life.

In vanilla life, and in vanilla relationships, most folks recognize that having other, stressful obligations is just something that happens. People might feel a bit bad because they have to prioritize one of those obligations over their partner until the crisis passes, but they realize that it will pass, things will return to normal, and that our partner (if they're anywhere close to being a decent person) will understand this.

Move a similar crisis to the Kinkyverse though and a strange thing happens: Normally competent adult women feel like complete and utter failures.

Not because they can't handle their shit- These chicks can handle shit like... Um... I can't think of a nifty shit-handling metaphor (I'm not even sure such a thing exists), but you get the idea- They can weather the storm until it passes and do what needs to be done. It happens because:

"I feel like I am failing to be a good submissive for my Master because I haven't been able to focus on him the way I should be."

That's sad.

Nobody should feel like a failure because life has decided to start the lemon bombardment, and somehow, from somewhere, submissive women are getting the idea that unlike our vanilla counterparts we're not allowed to feel stressed out or that our issues in life can be our priority. Someone is telling them that there is a "should" in these situations and it's impacting them in a negative way.

Someone (or a lot of someones) has created the Superman Submissive Stereotype.

It's easy to see how the stereotype formed if you think about it. Plenty of people have spread around the idea that the dominant partner in a relationship should always come first. Combine that train of thought with the idea that submissives are martyrs, constantly sacrificing their own happiness and well-being to accomplish that goal. Add in a healthy dash of poorly written erotica where the submissive partner is able to handle any problems that might arise while still submitting "perfectly" (or the fact that in erotic real life never gets in the way of submission), and you have a recipe for disaster.

A "should be" that isn't at all realistic or healthy.

So how do you deal with stress and the issues that cause it when you're the submissive partner in a relationship without feeling like you're failing?

Temporarily prioritizing a stressful life event over your partner is in now way, shape, or form a failure on your part.

The thought that the dominant partner always comes first is pure bunk. It's selfish on the part of any D-type who would demand that of you and it's unrealistic to expect that from yourself.

Would your best friend understand that you can't come to her destination bachelorette party because your car's transmission blew out and just don't have the cash for airfare?
Would your mom understand that although you'd love to help her move your child is sick and you can't leave home?
Would a vanilla boyfriend or husband understand that because your boss has been a douche all week you're just not in the mood for sex and you'd prefer to just cuddle quietly on the couch?

In those relationships you're not failing to be a good friend, a good daughter, or a good significant other because you need to prioritize your finances, your child, or your mental health over doing something for someone else. D/s is no different from any other form of relationships you can have.

Ignore the idea that you have to be Superman.

In fiction it's really easy to accomplish 700 different things at once. A fictional character can juggle a promotion at work, a vomiting toddler, a demanding relative, a busted A/C unit in the middle of a heat wave, a dwindling bank account, and a demanding dominant with perfect poise and grace. She never feels flustered, over whelmed, or just worn down... Because she's not real.

You are real and you're going to react just like any other real person would if they were at the end of their rope. There's absolutely nothing wrong with "not feeling it" for a day, a week, or however long it takes to get your life to settle down.

Being a "good" submissive isn't just about what you do for others.

It may seem that way because of all the tripe and misinformation floating around out there, but there's something that tripe over-looks:
That in order to be "good" for someone else, you first need to be good to yourself. Martyrdom isn't exactly good for your health (mental or physical) and how well can you submit when you're not feeling your best? How enjoyable will your submission to your partner if you're not feeling good about your life or yourself?

Think about it. We've all gone out with a friend who's suffering through a rough patch. When they're down in the dumps we don't expect them to be the life of the party, we know that would be selfish. Instead we support them, we offer them our shoulder if they need it, we try to cheer them up. We know it's important for them to feel good about themselves and their life, do you really think your dominant partner feels any differently about you?

Talk to your partner. Ask for help and understanding if you need it.

If something in your life is causing you so much stress that you feel it's impacting your ability to submit to your partner, you need to talk to your partner about it. Odds are good that he's probably noticed already and is probably concerned about you. Dominants are not dummies, they know when "fine" doesn't really mean that you're OK, and keeping information from him that affects your relationship is unfair.

A caring partner knows when you're down and knows that it's selfish to expect you to be the life of the kinky party when you're stressed or blue. They know that you'll need support and cheering up and if they don't? They're not going to be angry at you for asking for it. Most people like to be able to help the folks they care about. They understand.

And if they don't understand? If they expect you to play the martyr even though that just adds to your stress or unhappiness? If they refuse to admit that you don't have to be a Super Sub when life gets rough? DTMF: Dump The... Well, you get it I'm sure. If he doesn't have your best interests as one of his priorities, you should not be making him a priority in your life.

Just because you feel like you're failing your partner doesn't mean that you are failing him.

Unless your partner specifically says that you're not living up to his expectations or that something is wrong that needs to be addressed there's no need to assume that you're not submitting in the way that he wants you to.

Sometimes when someone feels like they're failing their partner they project those feelings onto their partner, thinking, "If I feel I'm failing him, he also feels that I'm failing him" when that's not really how their partner is feeling. Trust your partner to tell you if there is an issue in your relationship and until he says otherwise, try to avoid borrowing trouble when it doesn't exist.