Consent, in the context of Vanilla (non-kinky) life is usually a pretty straight forward thing.
If someone says "Yes" they are consenting to an activity.
If someone says "No" they do not consent to that activity.
It's pretty simple, right?
And I suspect that's why, in Fifty Shades of Grey, the issue of consent as it's practiced in The Kinkyverse is a little (or a lot) misunderstood.
In the books and movies, Ana says "Yes" at one point and that one yes is being used to excuse Christian's inexcusable behavior. That one "Yes" is the reason some people outside the Kinkyverse are saying, "It's not abuse, it's consensual kink!"
The problem is- That's not how consent works in the Kinkyverse. There are shades of consent, and probably far more than fifty of them.
Our consent is a highly complex issue, and using Ana as an example, a great many responsible, educated kinksters would not count her wishy-washy "Yes" as consent. Why?
Well, first because Christian is asking for something called Blanket Consent. It's the type of consent that applies to everything that may be asked of a person in a relationship, and is usually reserved for people who know what they're getting into or people who have been practicing their relationship dynamic for some time. Nobody worth their beans would request blanket consent from a newbie because a newbie cannot make that sort of informed decision.
A newbie, who knows nothing, cannot give informed consent, so if Ana can't give her consent because she lacks the information to make a wise choice, that "Yes" is null and void.
Informed consent is what kinksters should be aiming for (and as much as I hate saying "should" about anything, I'll make an exception for this because it's that important).
Informed consent doesn't just mean that you simply know what a butt plug is, to use Ana again as an example.
It means that you understand and accept the risks involved in playing with that certain toy and finding those risks acceptable you still agree to play with that toy. The same goes for any BDSM play or practices a person might participate in- Informed consent means that you know exactly what it is you're agreeing to and you understand and accept all of the risks that may be involved in what you're agreeing to, and you still want to give your consent.
Which moves us on to another point in the consent discussion- Wanting to consent.
First, someone has to freely agree to something for it to be considered consent.
What this means is that with no outside influence or pressure they decide that what they are agreeing to is what they want.
Ana's consent was not freely given in the books. Often when she agreed to something it was because Christian was threatening her with something else that she found even less pleasant than what was about to happen.
It's not consent if there is coercion involved (the practice of persuading someone to do something by using force or threats).
Second is the really wanting bit- I like to call it Enthusiastic Consent.
"Eh, I guess I'll do this kink thing because otherwise I might end up a spinster with 50 grey cats" isn't really enthusiastic, is it?
"I guess I'll do this kinky thing because if I don't he'll dump me." doesn't sound all that enthusiastic either, does it?
It kind of sounds like that person is choosing what they consider to be the least bad thing of two pretty shitty things, not like someone who is consenting because "Hey, this kink thing sounds lie it'll be a hell of a lot of fun and WOOOoooOO! I want to play!"
And you know, there are plenty of people who consent to kinky play they're not all that thrilled about because they want to please their partner, but even then it's not a "Eh" kind of consent, it's a "Woo! He's going to be so happy and that makes me happy! Wooo!" or a thing that they find adds to their fulfillment in other ways.
Poor Ana never has a "Woo!" moment about consenting to kink. It's all kind of sad and makes her feel bad about herself and she doesn't want it. She doesn't want to submit...
So what kind of consent is that?
Kink really should contribute to a person feeling good about their relationship, the other person in that relationship, and themselves. The people in that relationship- ALL the people involved- Should be giving informed, enthusiastic consent to the play and the dynamic they are planning on instituting in that relationship.
And finally, one of the most troubling aspects of consent in 50SoG...
Revoking Consent.
Any type of consent, even blanket consent, can be revoked at any time.
At one point in the book Christian enters Ana's home and proceeds to... Chastise? Punish? Threaten? her in her bedroom.
Ana says "No."
Readers know that what she's referring to is the idea that she may have stinky feet. Christian DOES NOT know this as he cannot hear her thoughts. He heard "no" and what did he do? He didn't stop. In the books this is portrayed as "Dominance"... It's NOT.
A boy heard "no" the other day when reenacting a scene from Fifty Shades with a lady friend, he didn't stop, and in real life that has some pretty nasty words associated with it- Assault and Rape.
Once someone revokes their consent- With whatever words they chose to say (No, Stop, Red, Whatever), you STOP and after you stop you communicate about why your partner felt you needed to stop.
When consent is removed you are no longer participating in consensual kinky fun times with your enthusiastic, consenting partner. What you're doing is assaulting them in a way that can be persecuted by law enforcement officials.
And honestly, this is only the tip of the iceburg when it comes to consent in the Kinkyverse. The nuances and shades of it are so complex that even for experienced kinksters it can get confusing... So I don't really blame the Vanilla folks for not understanding it. They can't be expected to know what they don't know.
But... It's not that hard to learn the basics either.
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