Life gets messy sometimes.
You're going to get sick or someone you care about is going to become ill.
Your job is sometimes going to be a real pain in the ass, or perhaps it will be schooling that has you wanting to bang your head on a desk.
If you've got kids or pets or anything dependent on you- They're going to make demands on your time.
The car is going to break down, the heater is going to die in the middle of winter, an unexpected financial emergency is going to crop up.
At some point in time life is going to create the perfect storm of crappy circumstances because that's just life.
In vanilla life, and in vanilla relationships, most folks recognize that having other, stressful obligations is just something that happens. People might feel a bit bad because they have to prioritize one of those obligations over their partner until the crisis passes, but they realize that it will pass, things will return to normal, and that our partner (if they're anywhere close to being a decent person) will understand this.
Move a similar crisis to the Kinkyverse though and a strange thing happens: Normally competent adult women feel like complete and utter failures.
Not because they can't handle their shit- These chicks can handle shit like... Um... I can't think of a nifty shit-handling metaphor (I'm not even sure such a thing exists), but you get the idea- They can weather the storm until it passes and do what needs to be done. It happens because:
"I feel like I am failing to be a good submissive for my Master because I haven't been able to focus on him the way I should be."
That's sad.
Nobody should feel like a failure because life has decided to start the lemon bombardment, and somehow, from somewhere, submissive women are getting the idea that unlike our vanilla counterparts we're not allowed to feel stressed out or that our issues in life can be our priority. Someone is telling them that there is a "should" in these situations and it's impacting them in a negative way.
Someone (or a lot of someones) has created the Superman Submissive Stereotype.
It's easy to see how the stereotype formed if you think about it. Plenty of people have spread around the idea that the dominant partner in a relationship should always come first. Combine that train of thought with the idea that submissives are martyrs, constantly sacrificing their own happiness and well-being to accomplish that goal. Add in a healthy dash of poorly written erotica where the submissive partner is able to handle any problems that might arise while still submitting "perfectly" (or the fact that in erotic real life never gets in the way of submission), and you have a recipe for disaster.
A "should be" that isn't at all realistic or healthy.
So how do you deal with stress and the issues that cause it when you're the submissive partner in a relationship without feeling like you're failing?
Temporarily prioritizing a stressful life event over your partner is in now way, shape, or form a failure on your part.
The thought that the dominant partner always comes first is pure bunk. It's selfish on the part of any D-type who would demand that of you and it's unrealistic to expect that from yourself.
Would your best friend understand that you can't come to her destination bachelorette party because your car's transmission blew out and just don't have the cash for airfare?
Would your mom understand that although you'd love to help her move your child is sick and you can't leave home?
Would a vanilla boyfriend or husband understand that because your boss has been a douche all week you're just not in the mood for sex and you'd prefer to just cuddle quietly on the couch?
In those relationships you're not failing to be a good friend, a good daughter, or a good significant other because you need to prioritize your finances, your child, or your mental health over doing something for someone else. D/s is no different from any other form of relationships you can have.
Ignore the idea that you have to be Superman.
In fiction it's really easy to accomplish 700 different things at once. A fictional character can juggle a promotion at work, a vomiting toddler, a demanding relative, a busted A/C unit in the middle of a heat wave, a dwindling bank account, and a demanding dominant with perfect poise and grace. She never feels flustered, over whelmed, or just worn down... Because she's not real.
You are real and you're going to react just like any other real person would if they were at the end of their rope. There's absolutely nothing wrong with "not feeling it" for a day, a week, or however long it takes to get your life to settle down.
Being a "good" submissive isn't just about what you do for others.
It may seem that way because of all the tripe and misinformation floating around out there, but there's something that tripe over-looks:
That in order to be "good" for someone else, you first need to be good to yourself. Martyrdom isn't exactly good for your health (mental or physical) and how well can you submit when you're not feeling your best? How enjoyable will your submission to your partner if you're not feeling good about your life or yourself?
Think about it. We've all gone out with a friend who's suffering through a rough patch. When they're down in the dumps we don't expect them to be the life of the party, we know that would be selfish. Instead we support them, we offer them our shoulder if they need it, we try to cheer them up. We know it's important for them to feel good about themselves and their life, do you really think your dominant partner feels any differently about you?
Talk to your partner. Ask for help and understanding if you need it.
If something in your life is causing you so much stress that you feel it's impacting your ability to submit to your partner, you need to talk to your partner about it. Odds are good that he's probably noticed already and is probably concerned about you. Dominants are not dummies, they know when "fine" doesn't really mean that you're OK, and keeping information from him that affects your relationship is unfair.
A caring partner knows when you're down and knows that it's selfish to expect you to be the life of the kinky party when you're stressed or blue. They know that you'll need support and cheering up and if they don't? They're not going to be angry at you for asking for it. Most people like to be able to help the folks they care about. They understand.
And if they don't understand? If they expect you to play the martyr even though that just adds to your stress or unhappiness? If they refuse to admit that you don't have to be a Super Sub when life gets rough? DTMF: Dump The... Well, you get it I'm sure. If he doesn't have your best interests as one of his priorities, you should not be making him a priority in your life.
Just because you feel like you're failing your partner doesn't mean that you are failing him.
Unless your partner specifically says that you're not living up to his expectations or that something is wrong that needs to be addressed there's no need to assume that you're not submitting in the way that he wants you to.
Sometimes when someone feels like they're failing their partner they project those feelings onto their partner, thinking, "If I feel I'm failing him, he also feels that I'm failing him" when that's not really how their partner is feeling. Trust your partner to tell you if there is an issue in your relationship and until he says otherwise, try to avoid borrowing trouble when it doesn't exist.
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