How To Write a BDSM Contract

Please note: BDSM contracts, while they can be a handy tool for a relationship, have NO LEGAL WEIGHT. They cannot be enforced in ANY court of law and CAN be used against as proof of intent to cause harm in legal proceedings.

BDSM contracts are a useful and positive tool for many relationships. They can help outline what is expected from all parties involved (It's hard to argue about who should be doing the dishes when it's clearly outlined in paragraph 3, subsection c), what the parameters of the relationship are, who is responsible for what, and a host of other things.

They can outline rules and regulations for a relationship, they can include sections on personal goals and growth, pretty much anything you can think of to put in a BDSM contract can be included (including dish washing duties). One other important aspect of a contract: It can help prevent against unpleasant surprises (if you forget to wash the dishes and the agreed upon punishment for that is supposed to be no internet for a day, your partner cannot suddenly and without warning tell you that you have to spend 5 hours picking up dog poo from the local Bark Park for example).

And for a newbie who has read popular fiction (they're often included as an easy way to up a book's word count) or has spent any time online they can appear to be a "Must Have" for any D/s relationship, so the question often gets asked, "How do I write a BDSM contract?"

So, in an attempt to be helpful I give you:

Squeaky's Handy Dandy Guide to Kinky Contract Writing

Personally, I think that the biggest benefit of a contract is the conversations that happen while figuring out why you want one and what you feel you need to include. Communication is an extremely important part of a healthy D/s relationship and talking about a contract can trigger conversations and ideas you may not have thought to have before.

Some things you both may want to consider previous to writing your contract:

What do you want your contract to accomplish?
People use contracts for various reasons. They can be used to help to reinforce the "seriousness" of the dynamic, to help one or both partners embrace their chosen roles more completely )as a serious sort of thing or assistance for fun role play). They can be useful as reference material in case of a misunderstanding ("You're right, I did agree to do the dishes! I forgot about that!"). They can outline what actions are and are not permissible in the relationship (for one or all parties) and what the consequences or not permissible actions might be. They can help people in the relationship feel more connected to each other and their dynamic.

Deciding why you and your partner would like to use a contract is fairly simple.

What do you want your contract to include?
This is where things get tricky for a lot of newbies.
Fictional contracts or contracts between people who have been involved in their dynamic for years can be pretty complex and include more things than you might think you need to include. Looking at those as examples can be daunting- Do you really need 38 pages of single spaced lines with sections, subsections, paragraphs, sub paragraphs, bulletin points, clauses, and 128 rules?

You don't.
You can, if that's what you really want, but it might be best to start with what you and your partner consider to be the most important things to cover. Why? Because it's easier to remember a few new things than many new things and you can always add to the contract later (which is probably how those 37 page contracts developed- Slowly and over time). One person I'm familiar with says that her contract consists of one word- Obey.

So- what are the most important things you and your partner can think of for your relationship? Are they rules, definitions of your roles, expectations that you have of each other, things that you (or they) should or should not do?

What tone would you like your contract to have?
Your contract is about you, your partner/s, and your relationship. If you're very serious people and want to take your contract as seriously as you take your selves and your relationship you might want to word your contract to resemble a legal document. If you're people who enjoy the more light hearted, fun side of things, you may want your contract to reflect that aspect of your personalities and relationship. There is no right or wrong way to write a contract so you can write it however you feel is best.

Now that you and your partner have had some conversations and time to think about what to include, you get to write the danged thing already, so how does that go?

Most contracts state at the beginning what the purpose is and who the parties involved are.

For example:
Super Serious- John Dom and Jane Sub do hereby agree that both parites, being of sound mind and body and both being capable of consenting to such an agreement, shall on this day, the 12 of Forever 2015, enter into a mutually beneficial arrangement where john Dom is the Dominant partner and Jane Doe is the submissive partner. Furthermore, both parties do declare that they will abide by the terms of the contract contained within the following pages...

Not Quite So Serious- John Dom and Jane Sub, by signing this contract, agree to enter into a D/s relationship and also agree to abide by the terms that follow...

Not Serious At All- John Dom, the Domliest Dom to Ever Dom, and Jane Sub, his most awesome submissive,  who want to do D/s kinds of stuff together, wrote this kinky contract so that nobody will ever argue about who is in charge, who has to do dishes, and if picking up dog poo for 5 house is ever a permissible punishment...

From there, in any order you like, you write down the things that you both feel are important and would like to formally agree to. Ideas to include (in no specific order and just food for thought, you don't have to include any of these if they are not important to you or you can use as many as you want if they may be important):
What kind of dynamic you'd like- 24/7 TPE, bedroom only, or something in between?

If it's monogamous, poly, open, or something else (if open or poly, would you like to have a say in who your partner is involved with or who may become involved in your dynamic).

Who is allowed to do what and who they can do it to (is it ok for you or your partner to have sex outside your relationship, are you? Is playing outside your relationship OK for either of you? Do either of you need approval before engaging in extracurricular play?).

Who can make decisions about what (what authority would you like your partner to have, what does he want authority over, and what would you like to retain authority over).

What rules would he like you to follow?
Are there consequences for breaking those rules?
Do you agree to punishments and what punishments are OK? (you can limit what punishments you're willing to have inflicted upon you. If, say, corporal punishment sends you to a really bad place you can request alternatives like writing lines, writing an essay on what you did wrong and what you'll do in the future to avoid repeating the infraction, etc)

Are there specific protocol you'd like to include in your relationship? Using titles for your partner, poses that they may want you to assume at specific times, asking permission for specific things, etc.

Is there protocol to follow in vanilla public or at kinky events?

Who does what in the relationship? Are there things that he needs to manage and things that you need to take care of? What are your responsibilities and what are his responsibilities?

Are there personal growth goals either of you would like to agree to accomplish?

What kinds of kinky play are ok, what are your soft limits, what are your hard limits, what happens if you encounter something new neither of you had thought about before? What are your safe words, do you need after care, what happens if something goes wrong?

How often would you and your partner like to revisit the contract either to add things or subtract them (if they're not working for both of you)? Once a month, once every six months, once a year, never?


There are probably a million and one things I'm not thinking of, things you consider important that I'm missing, things you haven't thought of yet... But it's a place to start. And once you figure out how to get something started, finishing it up isn't usually that hard.

Also, for further helpfulness, a few links for more contract examples:

Example contracts from BDSMcircle

Example of an M/s Contract

Example of a D/s contract

And finally- Do you need to have a contract?
If it's not your cup of tea then no, you do not need to have a BDSM contract as part of your relationship. Some people find them useful and others don't feel a need to include one as part of their relationship- Cookie and I don't have one unless you count our wedding vows, and we seem to be doing pretty well without (though in all honesty he probably hasn't even considered the idea of one... I should probably not mention this blog to him. the idea of if might go to his Man Brain and he'd become insufferable).

Squeaky Reviews a Book: Diary of a Submissive, by Sophie Morgan

Diary of a Submissive

Last year a few of my online buddies were raving over Diary of a Submissive. Not wanting to be left in the dark I meandered my way to the nearest Barnes & Noble's to get a gander at this phenomenon (and to buy an over-priced coffee drink). Despite the fact that it was a story supposedly based on the life of a "Real Life" submissive, Sophie Morgan, I had my doubts about how palatable the book would be, and how well it would represent the life of a "real" submissive.

Thumbing my way through the prologue (I'm not going to buy a book, especially not a brand new, pricey one without seeing if I can stomach it first) I felt my nose do that thing it does whenever I smell something unpleasant or I've just been annoyed beyond comprehension. Cookie calls it my Disapproval Face.

My first thoughts, as I made my way through the opening paragraphs where the author outlines an encounter in a public area (an alley in the evening) written in second person narrative were:
"OK. Involving non consenting bystanders in your kink is NOT hot. It's rude."
"Ugh. This is soooo not my kink."
"I really, really, really hate second person narratives."
"My submission looks nothing like this."
"This is dumb. I'm not buying it."

And I set the book back on the shelf, picked up my over-priced coffee drink, and wandered off to see if Diana Gabaldon had released anything new.

Fast forward to yesterday when Cookie was involved in some pow-pow-kill-the-honey-badger action (courtesy of Far Cry 4) when I crawled out of bed and I was left to my own devices as far as amusement went. I trolled Google Books for something to occupy my time, saw Diary of a Submissive in my recommended list, thought "What the hell. If it's stupid I can have fun eviscerating it later," and shelled out 12.99 to read a book I didn't want anything to do with previously.

To my ever-lasting surprise, I liked the book. Once I got past the stupid effing prologue (with even more pinched nostrils, frustrated sighs, and heavy eye-rolling), and the author stopped doing the much-hated Second Person shit, that is.

The Good:
I can honestly say that I like Sophie. I like her style of writing, I like her personality (probably because I see a certain amount of similarities), and I think she'd be an awesome person to share a pint with. She seems like a really neat person.
I loved that she wrote about her childhood- A happy, well-adjusted thing with loving parents and no trauma (because the "You must have had it rough in order to want to submit" stereotype also needs to die).
I liked how insightful she was about her motivations, her responses, and her feelings regarding her submission, her play, and her partners.
I liked that she made me laugh.
I really liked the fact that she stressed the importance of the vanilla aspects of a relationship as much as she did the kinky shit.
Also, what she wrote made me think. Not about kinky shit, but about my thoughts and motivations regarding D/s. Thinking is a good thing in my book.

The Bad:
Diary of a Submissive was not a left hand read for me, which is kind of what I expect when I pay for a book that includes erotic material. It also left me bereft of any new play ideas which was a total bummer.
The play scenes were extremely well written, explicit, and would probably "do it" for folks who are masochists, pain sluts, and get off on humiliation- But that's not me. At all. And since pretty much every scene in the book that was erotic was not my cuppa... It was a disappointment that I didn't even get a little bit moist reading all that kink.

The Ugly:
There were a few major things for me that went beyond bad into the realm of ugly.
First, the reoccurring theme that in order to properly submit one has to do things that they really don't enjoy- and not just "don't enjoy" but actively despise.
Second,  there were a few mentions of submission automatically meaning that one must accept pain (and perhaps she meant that strictly for herself, but that's not the way it read). Not all submissives are masochists, not all masochists are submissive.
Third, I was really troubled by the author's stubbornness. I get being stubborn, it could be my middle name, and I get wanting to "win" in a way by making it through whatever is happening... But it's a reoccurring point regarding safety in the Kinkyverse that a safe bottom will call their safe word. Someone who refuses to safe word because of stubbornness, or not wanting to disappoint their top, or whatever reason isn't someone I'd think I could play safely with.

But, all in all, as a peek into the life of one "real" submissive, it was a pretty good book. I'd recommend it, not as learning material, but as an opportunity for people to get a glimpse into what submission means for Sophie Morgan.

And now, THE FUGLY:
This is at the end because it has nothing to do with Sophie's book, but is solely the fugliness of reviewers, marketers, and other assorted nincompoops.

Sophie is pretty clear in her book that this is just ONE way that a person can engage in a D/s relationship, that this is what works for her and she's well aware that it will not work for everybody. despite that though, plenty of people out there are going on and on about this is what "Real" submission is, this is what ALL submission looks like (or should look like), and that's just not true.

While some folks might dream of engaging in a relationship dynamic that mirrors Sophie's, there are plenty of people who don't. There is no "One True Way" to submit, and it kind of annoys the ever-loving fuck out of me that the inept, clueless, and money-hungry are billing this book as a glimpse into the lives of EVERY submissive female out there, and that there is a One True Way to do WIITWD.

*sigh*

Read the book. Enjoy it. Squick. Whatever.
But don't think that this is how it is for all of us, or that this is the way you have to do WIITWD because it's not.

You do you.
End of.

How Not To Do BDSM for Beginners

Hi there new person who has discovered an interest in BDSM, welcome to The Kinkyverse!

I bet you're all sorts of excited and curious about things you may have recently read in popular novels, bad erotica, or have seen in blockbuster movies or titillating porn. Things that involve fun, kinky, sexy times, and things that involve domination and submission.

And that's cool. We all had to start somewhere.

But here's the kick in the nuts you might not be thinking about- BDSM isn't just something that everybody can go and do without at least a little information. Trying out kink without the info you need to play safely isn't a good idea.

Think about it this way: Would you show your little sibling/cousin/kid (any young person, really) how to start your car and then hand them the keys to go for a joyride?

Hell no! You'd know that was a bad idea because there's a lot more to driving a car safely than just than knowing how to start it.

Kink is like that.

Authors and film directors have shown you how to start up your kinky car, but they haven't shown you how to drive it safely, and I really don't think you want to wreck up your shiny, new kinky hooptie like this guy did:

19 year-old charged with assault, claims he was reenacting 50SoG

Now, I don't want this blog to be all blamey and "you should have know better" because, well, those kids involved didn't know what they didn't know... And really, with the kink community keeping itself crammed way back in the closet it's easy to understand why they didn't know what they needed to know to play safe. They were handed the keys to a shiny new kinkmobile and were told to take it for a spin... It's no wonder they wrecked it.

The wrong way to do BDSM is doing it based on crap that will harm you or harm someone else.

So how do you do BDSM safely when you're a beginner and you don't know what you should know?

FIRST!- Forget about everything you've ever read about in erotica and forget everything you've seen in films. Those are good places to get ideas for things you'd like to try, but they're not good for anything other than that.

Beyond that- Fictional films and books are crap at teaching you anything of value. Nothing you've read or seen is anywhere close to how BDSM works for real people. NOTHING.

Basing your play on fiction is a great way to harm someone and/or wind up in the pokey.

That 19 year-old kid tried it and he's been arrested. Don't be that kid.


SECOND! Join Fetlife. Fetlife is a FREE social networking site for the BDSM and fetish community. Once you've joined, hit the "Groups" link at the top of the page.
Then, next to the grey search bar to the right you will see two links, click on "Most Popular Groups."
At the very top of the list that will appear is the group "Novices & Newbies."
JOIN THAT GROUP.
That's it.
Novices & Newbies has an FAQ section that contains every single thing you could ever want to know about BDSM in general. Take a week or two (at least!) to read those posts in the FAQ to at least get an idea of how BDSM works in real life for real people.
If you have questions, ask the group members.
At the time of posting there are 167,431 people in that group who are ready and willing to help you out.

If you're interested in submission, the third group on the list is Submissive Women. Join that group.
Their FAQs about submission are great for the beginner submissive, and the ladies (although they can be blunt) are some of the most helpful people you could hope to encounter.

WARNING! There are trolls who prey on new people to Fetlife. The will message you with offers to mentor, train, or play with you... Do not accept their offers. Anything you need to know you can find in the groups. You don't need a mentor, trainer, or whatever.

WARNING! There are jackasses who will try to top you without your consent. Ignore them. Better yet, block them and delete their message. You don't need them, nor are you ready to play with them yet (even if you might be interested). Wait until you've done your reading so that when you are ready to play you'll know how to go about playing safely. Please.

THIRD!- Read this blog. I've written TONS of stuff about safety, about how incorrect the BDSM stereotypes are, about finding compatible partners to play or have a relationship with... Tons of stuff. I'm also totally happy to try to answer any questions you might have. ANY QUESTION. in my experience, there are no stupid questions. If you don't want to ask in the blog, I'm cool with emails- squeakings@gmail.com


FOURTH! There is nothing wrong with being new and perhaps kinda clueless.
Everybody was new and clueless once. I was new and clueless once. Even John Warren (author of The Loving Dominant) was probably new and clueless once, and now he's a super awesome guy who writes books about BDSM. Real books, not the fictional sort!

Nobody knows the stuff they need to know when they're new. Everybody starts off clueless.

FIFTH! (And Finally!) Take your time.
Slow the fuck down.
It's not a race.
She who finds a Domly Dom first does not win (and in fact will probably end up pretty unhappy with her choice if she doesn't know how to make that choice wisely).
You have all the time in the world... And sure, it might not feel like it if you've got a case of the Frenzy nipping at your proverbial 5 inch heels, but you do.

Gah!

This message brought to you by the letters WTF, the number 27 (the amount of clueless newbs who posted in my Fet groups the other day), and my unending frustration with folks who cannot seem to fathom the fact that BDSM is not a safe, turtle-shaped plastic sandbox in their overly protective parents yard.

Predators & Politeness: A post for Kinky AND Vanilla Ladies

First-  A bit of backstory on this one:
Almost a week ago this post appeared on Fetlife and made it's way to K&P: None of your fucking business.
The gist of the story is that a lady, enjoying a coffee at the mall on her own was approached by some creepy guy who asked her, "What's your name, sweetheart?"
She responded by telling him that her name was none of his fucking business, and the responders to that post went, well... Postal. Especially the guys.
Apparently a great many of the male respondents had issues with a woman replying to an unwelcomed advance with anything other than the prettiest of manners.

Today this response made it's way to K&P, and it's brilliant: Entitled asshats don't deserve politeness.
(That's not the real title, just my two cents, BTW)

In it the author (who is highly educated and who dealt with abusive and predatory behaviors in an official capacity) states, "See, in the world of a predator, polite behaviors are the characteristics of a ‘mark’, an easy victim. My studies repeatedly reported that women who walk with their heads down, dress conservatively, speak softly and are polite as in ‘old school’ polite are seen by predators as more likely victims. It’s a myth that the confident, loud or even sexily dressed women draw the predator. The loud woman who walks with her head up and appears confident is more likely to make a fuss. More trouble makes it harder for the abusive individual to get what they want."

And that makes sense, which brings me to the point of my bloggy thing:

When newbie subs enter the Kinkyverse they're often buried under and figurative mountain of polite, and far more often, impolite virtual advances. One of the questions they will end up asking is "How do I respond to a dom when I'm not interested?"

And without fail, they will get the answer "Respond politely and respectfully..."

That's not surprising. Loads of people think that just because some random Dudebro has given himself a title he deserves respect (he doesn't), and loads of folks think that the appropriate way to respond to an advance from a stranger is with politeness... There's a lot of social conditioning that comes into play here.

There's also a lot of entitlement from some (I'm not going to say ALL) guys when it comes to unwelcome advances.
Those guys get really pissy when confronted with the fact that their advances might not be welcome and that a woman has the right to rebuff that advance in whatever way she sees fit. They think that just because they managed to make their way over to a random woman and managed to open their yap to make noises come out, she's obligated to respond nicely to them.

"If I've drummed up enough courage to approach you, the least you can do is be nice to me..."

Because: Entitlement.

And because guys just don't understand what it's like to be a girl, minding her own business, only to have some dudebro who thinks he's entitled to her time come and hit on/"compliment"/whatever her because that's what he wants (so who care if she doesn't want that).

And never mind the fact that there are some guys won't take a polite "no thanks" for an answer and see that polite turn-down as a soft "yes" to their unwelcome advances.

All of that brings me to this:

There are quite a few unpleasant people in the Kinkyverse, just like there are quite a few unpleasant people in Vanillaland, and those people- The ones who ping your Gut's internal Creep Radar? They don't deserve a "polite and respectful" decline. They deserve whatever you feel you need to say to get them to leave you the fuck alone, and if that response is "None of your fucking business" or "Leave me the fuck alone"? You have every right to say that. How they feel about it? It's not your problem.

Make a fuss if you need to.

(and seriously, if you're a member of Fet, go read that brilliant post).

Consent in BDSM Vs Consent in Fifty Shades of Grey

Consent, in the context of Vanilla (non-kinky) life is usually a pretty straight forward thing.

If someone says "Yes" they are consenting to an activity.
If someone says "No" they do not consent to that activity.

It's pretty simple, right?

And I suspect that's why, in Fifty Shades of Grey, the issue of consent as it's practiced in The Kinkyverse is a little (or a lot) misunderstood.

In the books and movies, Ana says "Yes" at one point and that one yes is being used to excuse Christian's inexcusable behavior. That one "Yes" is the reason some people outside the Kinkyverse are saying, "It's not abuse, it's consensual kink!"

The problem is- That's not how consent works in the Kinkyverse. There are shades of consent, and probably far more than fifty of them.

Our consent is a highly complex issue, and using Ana as an example, a great many responsible, educated kinksters would not count her wishy-washy "Yes" as consent. Why?

Well, first because Christian is asking for something called Blanket Consent. It's the type of consent that applies to everything that may be asked of a person in a relationship, and is usually reserved for people who know what they're getting into or people who have been practicing their relationship dynamic for some time. Nobody worth their beans would request blanket consent from a newbie because a newbie cannot make that sort of informed decision.

A newbie, who knows nothing, cannot give informed consent, so if Ana can't give her consent because she lacks the information to make a wise choice, that "Yes" is null and void.

Informed consent is what kinksters should be aiming for (and as much as I hate saying "should" about anything, I'll make an exception for this because it's that important).

Informed consent doesn't just mean that you simply know what a butt plug is, to use Ana again as an example.
It means that you understand and accept the risks involved in playing with that certain toy and finding those risks acceptable you still agree to play with that toy. The same goes for any BDSM play or practices a person might participate in- Informed consent means that you know exactly what it is you're agreeing to and you understand and accept all of the risks that may be involved in what you're agreeing to, and you still want to give your consent.

Which moves us on to another point in the consent discussion- Wanting to consent.

First, someone has to freely agree to something for it to be considered consent.
What this means is that with no outside influence or pressure they decide that what they are agreeing to is what they want.
Ana's consent was not freely given in the books. Often when she agreed to something it was because Christian was threatening her with something else that she found even less pleasant than what was about to happen.
It's not consent if there is coercion involved (the practice of persuading someone to do something by using force or threats).

Second is the really wanting bit- I like to call it Enthusiastic Consent.
"Eh, I guess I'll do this kink thing because otherwise I might end up a spinster with 50 grey cats" isn't really enthusiastic, is it?
"I guess I'll do this kinky thing because if I don't he'll dump me." doesn't sound all that enthusiastic either, does it?
It kind of sounds like that person is choosing what they consider to be the least bad thing of two pretty shitty things, not like someone who is consenting because "Hey, this kink thing sounds lie it'll be a hell of a lot of fun and WOOOoooOO! I want to play!"

And you know, there are plenty of people who consent to kinky play they're not all that thrilled about because they want to please their partner, but even then it's not a "Eh" kind of consent, it's a "Woo! He's going to be so happy and that makes me happy! Wooo!" or a thing that they find adds to their fulfillment in other ways.

Poor Ana never has a "Woo!" moment about consenting to kink. It's all kind of sad and makes her feel bad about herself and she doesn't want it. She doesn't want to submit...

So what kind of consent is that?

Kink really should contribute to a person feeling good about their relationship, the other person in that relationship, and themselves. The people in that relationship- ALL the people involved- Should be giving informed, enthusiastic consent to the play and the dynamic they are planning on instituting in that relationship.

And finally, one of the most troubling aspects of consent in 50SoG...

Revoking Consent.

Any type of consent, even blanket consent, can be revoked at any time.

At one point in the book Christian enters Ana's home and proceeds to... Chastise? Punish? Threaten? her in her bedroom.
Ana says "No."
Readers know that what she's referring to is the idea that she may have stinky feet. Christian DOES NOT know this as he cannot hear her thoughts. He heard "no" and what did he do? He didn't stop. In the books this is portrayed as "Dominance"... It's NOT.

A boy heard "no" the other day when reenacting a scene from Fifty Shades with a lady friend, he didn't stop, and in real life that has some pretty nasty words associated with it- Assault and Rape.

Once someone revokes their consent- With whatever words they chose to say (No, Stop, Red, Whatever), you STOP and after you stop you communicate about why your partner felt you needed to stop.

When consent is removed you are no longer participating in consensual kinky fun times with your enthusiastic, consenting partner. What you're doing is assaulting them in a way that can be persecuted by law enforcement officials.

And honestly, this is only the tip of the iceburg when it comes to consent in the Kinkyverse. The nuances and shades of it are so complex that even for experienced kinksters it can get confusing... So I don't really blame the Vanilla folks for not understanding it. They can't be expected to know what they don't know.

But... It's not that hard to learn the basics either.

If Predatory 'doms" Wrote Notes:

Dear s-type Person.

I'm a complete stranger to you. I don't know you and I don't care about you. In fact, I care so little for you that if your teeth were on fire I wouldn't piss on your gums to put them out.

I don't know your name.
I don't know what your life is like.
I don't know what responsibilities you have, what your hopes and dreams are, or what value system you use to define the parameters of your actions.
I don't know any of that, and again, I don't care.

Because here's the thing- I see that you have applied an s-type label to yourself and to me that makes you fair game (and easy prey). And I'm really hoping that you know fuck-all about this BDSM thing because the more you know the less likely it'll be that I can take advantage of you.

I'm really hoping you're a straight-off-the-boat newb because when I tell you that I'm your D-type you'll be too ignorant and confused to tell me to get lost, and instead you'll just do whatever I say because I am, after-all the D-type and you're just the s-type, and I can prey on that confusion and insecurity by dangling the words real and true before you:
"A REAL submissive never says no"
"A TRUE submissive does whatever her dominant says"

And you'll fall for it. Hey, odds are good that even if you're not a newb you'll still fall for it. Nobody likes feeling insecure and I can and will use that. I'm a manipulative, self-serving jackass like that... Good thing manipulative, self-serving jackasses are really popular right now thanks to that movie and those books.

So, now that we've got that covered I'll tell you how this is going to go:
I'm now your D-type (because I say so) and you're my s-type.
I'm not going to bother to talk to you about limits, negotiations, compatibility, or communication because those things really put a damper on my game.
And if you bring them up?
I'll shoot you down or give you the silent treatment and you'll learn your lesson.
I'm going to tell you to do stupid, dangerous things, and you're going to do them.
I'm going to tell you that I want to be put on your bank accounts, I want your PIN numbers, I want you to send me risqué (or down-right filthy) pictures and videos... I may or may not share these with friends (for free or for profit). I may or may not use them to blackmail you.
I'll probably share you with my friends (for free or for profit).
I'll definitely have you do shit that would probably get you fired from your job/ get your kids taken away/ cause your entire community to ridicule or abhor you if they ever found out about it.
I might even want them to find out about it.

I have a lot of fun things planed for us.
(and yes, I know your little s-type heart just went pitter-pat because I used the word "us"... Too bad it means squat).

So...
I don't know you, I don't care about you, but you'll submit because if you don't you're not a real & true submissive, and if you question you're not a real & true submissive, and if you listen to the advice of other more experienced submissives or try to learn things on your own it means you doubt me and that's not real & true submissive behavior.

And if I ever actually said any of this you might get a clue... But you might not. But just in case I'll tone it down a bit when I actually do message you- You'll never see me coming.

Sincerely,
Lord High Dommypants.
Master of 23 slaves
Dom of 4 submissives
Owner of 15 pets
Daddy to 3 babygirls

Graduate of UberSupreme Dom Skool
Trainer, mentor, and super-accredited guy.
(You can trust me)
 
I only wish they were this obvious, but they're not so for Dog's sake GO LEARN A CLUE!

***This refreshed rant brought to you courtesy of the bajillion newbies who have joined Fet in the past few days, the predators who are having a heyday with the influx, and the "OMG! WHAT DO I DOOooooOOOoOo? My new "Dom" says..." posts all over the effing place. Eff that movie. Eff it right in the effing arse with an unlubed cinder bock. GAH!.

BDSM Code Words, Ambiguity, & Safety

Yesterday, a lady came into the Submissive Women's forum I frequent with an issue:
On previous occasions she and her partner had discussed anal play and she had expressed a disinterest in it, I believe her exact words to her partner were "I'm not interested in that."

For most folks, I would hope, that would be a pretty clear indication not to pursue anal play, but her partner decided that while she was spacing to fiddle with her bum... She is, to say the least, unhappy and feels that he might have broken her trust.

Many people advised the OP to make anal play a hard limit.

Today, another lady started a thread questioning why "I'm not interested" wasn't enough and why someone should have to make something a hard limit to have their reluctance to participate in an unwanted activity respected.

It started me thinking.

There's an idea floating around in the Kinkyverse that "no" doesn't always mean "no." We sometimes have safe words so that we can participate in play where we want to protest or say "no" without play stopping. Sometimes play won't stop until a safe word has been used. Safe words and the sometimes-ambiguity of "no" is such a big deal that there are a plethora of blogs written about it... A BDSM code word is required to stop play.

So we've got this idea that plain English isn't serious and we need to use a code word to express how serious a "no" actually is.

Thinking more, I wondered if the "no doesn't always mean no so have a safe word" school of thought might be affecting other plain-spoken communication. Communication your average submissive would expect to be heard and respected by a partner?

It's not impossible to imagine that someone who is hung up on safe words and play involving protest might view "Hard Limit" in the same light... "I'm not interested in that" could be seen as a faux protest to that person, leaving them with the feeling that it's OK to try that activity because they didn't hear the unambiguous "Hard Limit" code word to indicate that anal play was definitely off the table.

The code word makes what previously would have been seen as clear communication ambiguous.

It's really effing complicated.

But I suppose having heard about it, it's something that s-types and D-types should be aware of, and discuss before playing, because having your butthole diddled while spacing is a pretty tame activity when compared to some of the shit we can say "I'm not interested in that" about.

So...

S-types, just to be safe, it might be a good idea that you communicate to a new partner that when you express a disinterest in something you mean it. That disinterest is a hard limit until you say other wise, "I am not interested in that, it is a hard limit."

D-types, also to be safe, it might be a good idea if you ask a new partner how serious they are when they express a disinterest in something without calling it a hard limit. It might be protest play, but it might not... And if it's not? If you go ahead without consent, you both might end up feeling pretty awful about whatever happened. Nobody wants that.

Slaves Can't Say No.

Being a painfully literal person sucks sometimes.
Like when I'm involved in a discussion about the differences between a submissive and a slave (BTW, I think the only quantifiable difference is the amount of letters it takes to spell each word), and someone comes along and says, "Well, a slave can't say no."

And then my brain, who is a great big jerk, gets this mental image of someone desperately trying to form the word "no" and speak it, but it's just not working for them.

"Nnnnn... NNNNnnnnn! Nuh, nuh, Nuuuuuuuh... Oh, fuck it."

Plus, there's that super twitchy feeling I get when people lay down gross generalizations and inaccurate information like it's the holy gospel of kinky truth. Just thinking about it is making my right eyelid spasm.

*twitch, twitch, twitch*

Slaves, like most people capable of speaking words out loud can say no just as well as anybody else, and for those who can't actually speak- Well, I figure that sign language would work just as well. Unless maybe they're tied up. Or wearing mittens. Mittens might interfere with that sort of thing...

Anyways, back to the point (if I have one. I might not. I'm out of diet Dew and have had to settle for a vastly inferior diet Pepsi this morning. It's just not cutting it).

Slaves can say no.
They're just as able of saying no as a over-tired toddler faced with an unwanted nap.

Whether they choose to use that word or not in their own personal relationship dynamic- That is an entirely different story.

And! I think it's one worth mentioning because as a blanket statement, the idea that if someone identifies as a slave means that they are never able to say no to something... It's an idea that can get new people into a world of hurt (and not the fun, kinky kind of hurt). When you tell a newbie who wants to identify as a slave that "a slave can't say no" you're creating a paradigm that allows for the potential of really bad shit to happen. Hell, even just mildly bad shit which could just result in an experience that would demolish any interest they might have had in WIITWD.

When you say "A slave can't say no" to a newbie, they don't understand that the lack of "no" in that relationship is the product of (hopefully) a great deal of negotiation over limits and boundaries and a massive amount of trust between a slave and her master that has been established over time. And even then, even if "no" has been negotiated out of the relationship, there are probably instances where it could still be used. The nuances are lost on that new person because odds are really good their only experience of BDSM to that point is crappy erotica and porn.

What they hear instead is literally what you're saying, that they can't say no. Ever. No matter what.

Then, the predatory or uninformed D-types come along and reinforce that idea with their manipulative "Good S-types Don't" drivel, they read the incredibly stupid lists dictating what Real & True s-types do, and common sense takes a flying leap out the nearest window.

Slaves can say "no".

I would strongly encourage anybody who identifies as a slave to refrain from giving up the ability to say no in their relationship until you know someone so well that there is no doubt in your mind that they would ever tell you to do something you would need to say no to.

That's the distinction left out in the generalization- People who say that they can't say no to their master are not saying that they're incapable of speaking the word, they're saying that the relationship they've built has such a solid foundation of trust that they don't need to say no.

They're saying that they've either negotiated "no" out of the equation by agreeing to a consensual non-consent (CNC) dynamic OR that there's no way in hell their partner would ever demand something of them that they would have to refuse. They know their partner well enough to know that he would never order them to cut off their arm or kill a dog or any of the horrible things that would elicit the use of "no." They are certain that their partner knows them well enough that he knows what orders would require a "no" answer, and he doesn't demand those things.

That kind of relationship isn't something that happens in a few messages over Skype or whatever kinky website you're using. Those are things that are established slowly, over time. Lots and lots of time.

So hang on to your "no" until you've built a relationship where you won't need to use it.

And feel free to use it on any nitwit who tries to tell you right off the bat that you can't tell him no. He deserves it... That, and a swift kick in the ass.

On Condoms & Insistance of Their Usage

I'm a lucky girl.
Cookie and I are fluid bonded, monogamous, and the only time we use condoms is when I'm ovulating (because three Junior Sqeakies are more than plenty). So protection isn't really something that's on my radar, it's not something I think about except when I'm putting Cookie's socks away and I move the box-o-rubbers. And even then it's kind of like, "Eh. That's feeling pretty light. I should probably get some more cock wrap the next time I'm at Meijer's."

Condoms are not something I've written about, and I probably should have because it's a topic that comes up pretty often in regards to newbie submissive ladies. Most often in questions that start something like this:

"My new Dom says a true submissive doesn't insist on using condoms..."

And that's a pretty shitty thing to have to worry about, right? That looking after your physical health might make you some sort of Untrue or that you have to abandon safety precautions because some nitwit with a self appointed title says so. Pretty effing shitty. Newbies have enough on their plates without worrying about the moronic and potentially dangerous dictates of manipulative DimDoms.

So, condoms-

They're a pain in the ass, very few people enjoy using them, and some men (and women) have been trying to weasel their way out of using them for ages. There are a million and one excuses for not using them ranging from the painfully moronic ("You can't get pregnant the first time") to the whiney and self serving ("But baby, it just doesn't feel as nice") to blatant lies ("Of course I'm clean") and anything else a person can think of saying to get out of sticking a cock in a bit of latex.

In Vanilla Land we've been trained to recognize those excuses for what they are- Bullshit. Any self respecting Sex Ed class teaches that condoms, although they don't eliminate all risk, do mitigate that risk and bring it down to a level most safety-minded folks are willing to accept.

But then folks wander into the Kinkyverse and all that education falls by the wayside with one stupid dictate- "My new Dom said..."

Suddenly, just because some nitwit who's given himself a meaningless title says "True subs wouldn't make their Dom use a rubber!" some newbies begin to doubt their right to insist on practicing safer sex. They might think that because this guys says so, everything they've learned previous to this moment has to take a back seat to the dictates of New Dom because, Dom.

Point blank: It doesn't.

Title or no title an excuse is an excuse, and that's all this No Condom BS is- A self serving excuse from a manipulative man-child who wants to put his peepee inside you with no thought about your health.

Yes, you can insist on condom usage until you decide to fluid bond with a partner. You can tell him, "No glove, no love." You can walk out the door and not look back if he keeps bitching about something that millions of men do every day. You do NOT have to fuck him bareback just because he says so (unless that's what you want and agree to do).

Of course saying "No glove, no love" might mean that Mr. Domly Charming might cut and run- Just like he can't force you to have sex without a condom, you can't force him to have sex with a condom, so it's up to you to decide if he's such a great catch that you're willing to call it quits.

Personally though- I wouldn't consider someone who rated their momentary pleasure to be more important than my health to be the guy of my dreams. But that's me and you're you. Your choices don't have to be the same as mine, but at least you know that you have choices. You don't have to have unprotected sex just because some ninny who doesn't want to wear a rubber is whining at you and trying to use the True Sub Excuse to get his way.

Another Internet How-To List...

I like reposting (and adding to) things I find on the internet.
Why? Because sometimes it's horrid advice that I'm sharing and I point out why it's horrid, and sometimes it's sound advice that I like to expand on to provide multiple perspectives in one place. This is case of the latter- Pretty decent advice with additional commentary.


1. YOU are in charge of your own safety and happiness.
Although this is a power-exchange type of world, you do not give up your rights as a human being (unless that’s something you have negotiated) and ultimately the choice to remain in an unsafe or miserable situation is your own.
I actually prefer "Authority Exchange" as I feel it's more accurate, but beyond that- Hooray for someone else espousing personal responsibility! It is your job to keep yourself safe- Not mine, or your friend's or the community (whoever they are), or your partner's... YOURS.

Use safe words, use safe calls, call upon friends who you can trust. Consent does matter, but you can always withdraw consent.
Hey, wait... What happened to personal responsibility?
Safe words are great when they work, but they only work when your partner respects them.
And safe calls are just a starting point for the cops to come looking for your body... They don't actually keep you safe.

2. Dominants are not mind readers- in fact they rather suck at it, so be sure that you are stating your needs and your desires clearly.
Do not expect to get what you want or need if you’re not willing to open your mouth and ask for it. Always be willing to open up the line of communication BEFORE play and ASK or DISCUSS it.
Brilliant!
Too bad more folks can't seem to grasp this simple concept (nobody's a mind reader!), there would be a lot more fulfilling, happy relationships.

3. Know what you like.
Nothing is more frustrating than a dominant asking “what are you interested in” and getting a blank stare and an “ummm” in response.
Know what you like and what you don’t like. If you don’t know, figure it out. Attend an event where they do “tasters” of various kinks, contact a dominant you trust to show you things, or just plain ask. You need to know what you like or you are not going to be very happy and content with yourself or your dominant.
Additionally, merely thinking about different activities can help this process along. Do you think about it and squick? Then you might not want to try that activity. Does it sound interesting? Then you can probably move it to the "might want to try" column of your mental list. Then, think about them some more... is this something you would really like to try, or is it something that you'd just be happy fantasizing about?

4. Not every “top” or “dominant” or big letter person is trustworthy.
Just because they carry a big whip and wear a fancy hat doesn’t mean that you can trust them. Get references, listen to others, and trust your instincts. If something feels wrong or like a “red flag” trust yourself. You were given an instinct to protect yourself USE IT.
True that.
But references? One thing to keep in mind is the fact that nobody is going to have you contact a person who will give them a bad reference. Think about it- When you apply to a new job who do you have your prospective employer contact? People who will give you a glowing reference, or folks who will tell your prospective boss that you pick your nose while driving, punt kittens, and have been known to drink out of the milk carton?

5. Don’t top from below.
If you decide you are submissive, be the submissive- don’t try to weasel your way into being the de-facto top or to always get your way. It really does get to be all about the top. If you can’t handle that, maybe you are on the wrong end of the dynamic.
Errr... Actually, it's not always "all about the top."
If your needs are not being met and you're voicing a reasonable concern- That's honest communication. Anybody who tries to shut down honest communication with a TFTB accusation is a weenie.
And some (rare) D-types enjoy some difficulty...
To each their own.

6. Bottoming to someone is not the same as submitting to them forever.
Just because someone plays with you or allows you to serve them doesn’t mean that you belong to them. It might lead to something more, it might not. Don’t be a stalker about it!
That.
I don't know how many times I've seen some New & Excited Baby Seal announce to the world that "her new Dom..." when they're just play partners and there is no D/s dynamic, just sexy fun time T/b play. Don't be that person. It's not attractive. It's like going on one date and referring to the guy as your fiancé... Creepy.

7. If you agree to rules, procedures, responsibilities, etc, do not constantly renegotiate.
Agree to only what you are willing to do and then do that. If you can’t handle the agreement to begin with, don’t agree to it!
To be fair, sometimes renegotiating things often in the begining is good for the relationship to ensure that both or all parties get what they desire because really, few of us get it right, right away. It takes some trial and error.

8. Be honest about who you are.
Are you poly? Monogamous? Bi-sexual? HIV-positive? Got Herpes? Grow a spine and be honest about it. Don’t enter into a relationship trying to be something you are not. You’ll only end up miserable and hurting people. This goes back to knowing yourself and what you want or would like to try.
No argument there.

9. Don’t’ be afraid to say no!
Don’t be afraid to safe word. Don’t be afraid to withdraw consent.
Just don’t expect things to be all happy and wonderful and perfect after you do so. Saying no, safewording and withdrawing consent should be the beginning of a conversation, not the end of one. And if you aren’t willing to discuss it with the person directly, you sure as heck shouldn’t broadcast it publicly.
Again, no argument.
And I like that the author points out that saying "no" can have consequences.

10. Don’t compare yourself to others. 
Someone is always going to be more “slavey”, be able to take more pain, be more service oriented, be more accomplished, know more, or whatever. Deal with it. You are you and whoever you submit to should like you for YOU not for who they think you should be. If you can’t stand to be who you are and accept it and keep trying to play up to someone’s standards that aren’t yours then you will be miserable.
Word to your mother, yo.


11. Ask questions. Seriously ask people.
If you don’t know about something- ASK. If you want to know about a certain toy or type of play ASK (but not during a scene this is why you negotiate and communicate and talk and discuss it ahead of time). If you want someone to explain protocol to you, ASK. Attend classes, go to workshops, find a mentor, but please, ask questions. “No one ever told me” is a terrible excuse when there are a wealth of people willing to explain things if you’d just ask.
YES!
It frustrates me to no end when people act as if they have any excuse for ignorance when the internet if chock full of people willing to offer GREAT advice via forums, blogs, books, hell there's even BDSM advice on YouTube!

12. Sometimes submission sucks.
It sucks to put everyone else first and see to their needs before your own, but that’s part of the deal. Find a way to make yourself a priority every now and again to feed your own soul, but know that at the end of the day, the dominant is going to come first. It isn’t all rainbows and flowers with floggers and ball gags. There are days you will question your sanity in agreeing to live this way.
Well... Some of us don't put "everybody" first. Our D-types, probably most of the time, but not everybody, not by a long shot.
And, there are quite a few of us who have no desire to do something that's going to suck. Suck is not part of our relationship vocabulary (well, it might be, but not in reference to being miserable), altruism is not our cuppa, and we have no interest in being martyrs.
It's up to you to decide if you can live that way or if you need a partner who's going to make your needs and wants a priority.

13. You don’t have to like something in order to do it.
Sometimes it’s ok to do something you don’t like in order to please someone else, Just be honest about it. If you are taking the cane because you know it makes the dominant happy, be honest about that. It’s ok!
And you don't have to do something you dislike.
It may be a deal breaker for the other person if you don't, and you might have to chalk it up to incompatibility, but it's not a universal prerequisite of submission that you MUST do shit you don't like.

14. Perfection is not required.* You WILL fuck this up numerous times.
You will get yelled at, dressed down, ignored, put aside, punished and possibly even dismissed. You WILL forget something major, something minor or some rule. You will screw this up. Instead of worrying about every little potential mistake, do the best you can with what you have at all times. No one can fault you if you are trying your best. Especially not yourself.
OK, I'm having trouble with this one because some of us do not believe in punishment dynamics. We think "yelling" is counterproductive, ignoring is passive-aggressive BS, and dismissal for screwing up? Seriously? If someone is going to bail because you're not perfect from the get-go, let them. All three of those things (yelling, ignoring, dismissing) are childish, immature, and hallmarks of someone who cannot control themselves, much less a submissive partner.

15. Don’t trust a pretty smile, a big whip, or a big dick.
Just because someone looks the part of a “perfect dominant” doesn’t mean they know what they are doing. Clothes and toys don’t make a dominant effective. Having a whip in the bag doesn’t mean they know how to use it properly. Don’t trust appearances only, there’s always more than just what’s on the surface. There is much more to the book then it’s cover. Always know that!
BOOYAH!
D-types are just people!
Some people are trustworthy, some people are not, and someone giving themselves a title does not change that fact.

16. Don’t play with someone you’ve never seen play unless someone you trust has seen them play.You have no idea what you are getting into and you might be signing on for something that is not comfortable and could be potentially very dangerous to you! There are abusers, serial killers and manipulating people in this world so PLAY SAFE!
In all seriousness, this is a wee bit unrealistic because the majority of kinky folks? We don't play in public. We play at home. So how, exactly, are you going to watch those people play? And if they're private players your friend isn't likely to have seen them go at it... Also: See the "references" thing above.
This isn't rocket science.
If you don't know someone and you don't feel safe playing with them when you don't know them?
Wait until you know them. Problem solved.

Everything Butt! Ass Play Q&A

See what I did there? I made a pun!
Get it?
Everything butt? And this is an entry about ass play?
Man, I kill myself.

So.

Ass play is a BIG thing in the world of kink.
On any given day it can seem like everybody and their grandma is taking something up the back passage, and everybody else is inserting something into someone's rear door.

First-
There's nothing wrong with having a firm "NO ENTRY" policy for your bum. Just because everybody seems to be doing it doesn't mean that you have to as well, if that's not your cup of tea. I tend to think that kinky play should be fun and enjoyable and that there's not much point in play that is neither of those things for you.

Of course, because it is such a common kink, this might mean that you'll be limiting your dating pool if you limit your ass play, but rest assured- There are D-types out there who couldn't care less about poking you in the brown eye. You'll just have to find that person.

And you can feel free to ignore any weenie who says "If you don't take it up the butt you're not a real (tm) sub!" Or you can tell that person that I think they're a tool. Whatever floats your boat.

Now, that taken care of...

Ass play can be a fun and enjoyable activity for both sexes (obviously, otherwise so many folks wouldn't do it).

In men it can stimulate the prostrate gland and in both sexes it can enhance sexy fun times by stimulating the nerves surrounding the anus (such a sexy word, anus). In women it can also contribute to a feeing of pleasant fullness, especially when paired with a vaginal toy or penis. add some vibrations and good times can be had by all!

If you're a complete novice there are some safety considerations to keep in mind:

Unlike the vagina, the anus and rectum are not naturally lubricating.
Investing in a quality lubricant is a very good idea as it will help prevent harm and can make the experience much more enjoyable for the receiving partner.

There is a size limit.
Also unlike the vagina which are designed to deliver a baby, the anus and rectum only expand so much. There are these nifty bands of muscle, called sphincters (a sphincter says what?), that handily keep poop from plopping out all over the place. Nobody wants to be walking around with poop falling out randomly, or to have no choice but to wear a diaper, so pay attention to any "OMFG! THAT HURTS! STOP!" signals. If those muscles tear, you're in a shit load of trouble. Unless incontinence is your thing, then carry on. Start small and work your way up, if that's what you so desire.

Things can get lost in there.
The vagina has a cervix, this nifty bit of anatomy limits the length of an object one can insert and it also creates a handy stop point- Most things inserted can be retrieved.
You ass does not have a cervix.
Everybody has heard the stories of folks who have to go to the ER and have some lost object fished out because "Oops!"
Using a toy specifically designed for anal use is a really really good idea.
A "good" anal toy will have a the body of the toy, perhaps a smaller "stem," and a flared base that will prevent accidental toy loss. I would suggest something that's at least half an inch wider than the stem area.

It is a VERY BAD idea to go from ass to mouth or ass to vagina!
Some folks do this.
I think they're stark raving mad.
Fecal matter contains a plethora of nasty microorganisms that can cause serious illness, infection, or death. Salmonella Yersinia and E. coli O157  are some of the more commonly known pathogens transmitted via fecal matter.
Sometimes poop is funny, some times it's not.

In a related not- If you want to use anal beads, look for beads that are made in one piece, are coated with non-porous material, or strung on a non-porous "string." Beads threaded on cotton string can harbor bacteria. Plus, they're impossible to get clean and end up looking pretty funky.

Safety covered (ish, there might be more I'm forgetting. Feel free to point out stuff I've over-looked and I'll edit this post), what concerns do novices generally have?

POOP!
Yep. Your delicate pink bud (according to certain romance writers) contains some icky brown shit. You have two options to deal with this unsightly mess- You can deal with it or you can administer an enema or two to "clean" things out.
Most folks interested in anal sex or ass play recognize that shit happens and it's not a big deal. You do your thing, wash yourself or your toys (or both) off, and it's just something you sort of ignore.
Other folks who are might be a bit more fastidious about the contents of their rectum choose to use an enema. Personally, I've never used one so I can't describe them- But they're readily available at pretty much any pharmacy, so plenty of other folks must have.  I do hear that you should avoid medicated enemas and use plain warm water. I guess that some of the medicated ones can relax the second sphincter and make a mess of the area you just cleaned.

Does it hurt?
Ideally, no.
It can vary from uncomfortable or unpleasant to being the best thing ever, depending.
It really does help to cut down on discomfort if you relax (while you're sitting there, where ever you are, clench your bum hole and then push slightly- That's the relaxed feeling you want), and use a good lube. Most anything will work, though silicone is slower to absorb and you want to avoid anything that claims to have a numbing effect- You need to be able to tell if it hurts bad enough to stop. Being numb increases your risk for injury.

It can also help if your partner follows your lead for as long as it takes you to become comfortable.

I've heard it's amazing... Is it?
Honestly, I'd rather make a nice, satisfying poop than have anal sex. It's never done much of anything for me. Some people say it's better than pie, some people feel the way I do, some are "meh" about it... How it feels really depends on you, and if it doesn't feel good? There's nothing wrong with you.
But! It can help your enjoyment of the experience if you find it lack-luster if your partner stimulates other erogenous zones, like your nipples, clit, or g-spot.

I do however like anal toys... But that's probably because they're not the main event so to speak, more a side show attraction.

What needs lube?
Everything.
Seriously.
Put some lube on your anus.
Put some on a finger and use that to lubricate your sphincter (added bonus: this can also relax the muscle a bit).
Lube up your toys and lube up your partner.
You can never have too much lube.
Helpful Hint: If you're concerned about all this lube getting on your bedding/furniture/what-not, lay down a towel.

Do I need a condom?
While it's next to impossible to get pregnant from anal sex, it is possible to transmit STIs. If you are concerned with STIs, are not "fluid bonded" to your partner, or have multiple partners, condoms are a better safe than sorry thing to keep on hand.
Also, if the toys you're using are not your own, consider using a condom with them unless you can be certain of their cleanliness.
*Some lubricants are not safe to use with some condoms. Check the box for instructions!

What about after...
Well, you're probably going to feel the need to use the bathroom.
If you do, this is pretty normal and nothing to worry about.
Some cramping is also normal as is a little blood on your stool or TP (you might want to be a little more careful next time, use more lube, or a smaller toy).
Baby wipes are handy to have around for quick clean-up.
You also might need some time to rest between ass play sessions- This is OK. You can set the pace here, unless you've negotiated otherwise (I would wait on negotiating otherwise until you know how you will react to ass play).

What about "training"?
Well, some folks swear by it, that by gradually increasing the size of the toy they put up their bottoms they can eventually accommodate larger objects (helpful for a well-endowed partner)... And if you want to go this route, more power to you and it may help some. I personally think that this would be a situation where slow and steady would be the way to go.
But- It is never going to permanently "loosen" your sphincter muscle, which is something you probably don't want happening (remember that plopping poop from earlier?). If it hurts- Stop.

What if I'm done playing with a toy? What then?
Some folks like to have their partner remove the toy, some prefer to do it themselves. Personally, I'm a Do-It-Yourselfer. I like the privacy the bathroom affords and I can push the toy out on my own while gently (GENTLY!) pulling.
If you prefer to have your partner's help, feel free to remind them of the gentle part of the toy removal. It can hurt to remove a toy too fast (unless that is also your thing, then have at!).
When the toy is out, wash with soap and hot water, dry, and then return it to the toy box- Or bag.

And I think that's it. Or at least what I can recall at the moment.

Where I go on a ranty bender about responsibility, presonal responsibility, and consent.

You might not be ready to take on being a dominant/top if you cannot own the responsibility that comes with your privilege.
Fair enough, but what responsibility is that exactly? Isn't that something to be determined by all parties involved in a scene or relationship? I mean, not everybody wants to assume the same amount of responsibility for another person, right? I know that Cookie certainly wouldn't want to have 100% responsibility for my actions or feelings or whatever.

And privilege? Seriously? It's a relationship between two (or more) people that requires work on all their parts. Hopefully BOTH parties feel that it's a privilege to be in a relationship with the other person.

There is something very evil about a person who violates the consent of a bottom. It isn’t right to violate anyone’s consent, of course. Ever. But there is something much more callous, sick, and cowardly about violating a bottom’s consent, and here is why:
Erm... NO.
Violating someone's consent or trust is pretty much all around, equally horrible.
You want to talk about evil? Let's talk about the people who abuse the small helpless things entrusted to their care. Abusing something helpless is about as evil as it gets.

When a parent abuses a child, it is never the child’s fault
Now, I am not saying that BDSM is like the parent/child dynamic in all ways. Nor am I saying that bottoms are like children. However, the reason why it is never the child’s fault when a parent abuses or neglects the child is because the parent has taken on responsibility for the child’s life, and the child is in a vulnerable and delicate place.
Like this, in a scene, a bottom has trusted you to take care of them -- for a short while. Or for the duration of a relationship, if you have an on-going D/s dynamic.
Um, what?
You're equating consent violations (all of them, even the accidental sorts) with child abuse? This is starting to reek of a strawman argument. It's quite hyperbolic.
There is a world of difference between a child, who really is a helpless being and an adult person who ought to be able to take responsibility for their own well-being and safety. And who, by the by, is capable of leaving. A kid can't just up and go when they feel unsafe, and adult can.

Sex/play is a vulnerable situation to begin with. Compound that with taking the bottom role, and the bottom is in a place of needing a top who can step up to the responsibility. A relationship requires placing a lot of trust in someone, but a D/s relationship requires even more trust.
Poppycock.
BDSM requires no more trust than any other relationship. Do you trust your vanilla partner not to harm you? There you go. Same level of trust, right there.

When in bondage, a bottom does not have an ability to fight back physically (or it is very hampered, depending how secure your bondage is).
And this is why safe words, safe signals, or plain English communication of a problem are vital. If someone cannot safe word, safe signal, or use plain English to communicate that they are in trouble they should NOT be playing unless the top or dominant has been made aware of these issues and has specifically consented to the extra responsibility these issues will require.

Also- If you're concerned about needing to be able to fight back because you're not sure you'll be safe? Don't play with that person.

 During a pain play scene, your bottom is trusting you to hurt them but do no harm, to know what you are doing, to not use the pain and endorphins raised to take advantage or manipulate. During a D/s (power exchange) dynamic, even if it is only for a few hours, your bottom is trusting you to make the best decisions for them and to be able to follow your instructions.
And none of that means that they are suddenly rendered incapable of making wise decisions or taking responsibility for their own well being.
Also- Trusting someone else to make sound decisions does not equal abdicating responsibility for your own well being. Trust all you want, but when things go south you NEED to be able to stop play or end the relationship or at the very least have a conversation about any concern you may have.

For this reason, and this reason only, it is the top’s job to own 100% of the responsibility of the scene, always.
Bullshit.
It is NEVER anybody else's responsibility to care more for your own safety than you do. EVER.
That's about as stupid as saying "Sure, go swerve all over the highway at 80 miles an hour- Everybody else should be looking out for you so don't worry about looking out for yourself."
Gah!

Now, that doesn’t mean the bottom can’t step up and choose to own some of the responsibility themselves. And it’s wonderful when they do. But if the bottom cannot, or will not, the top must be willing to do so.
Again, bullshit.
If the bottom cannot or will not take responsibility for their own safety the top always has the ability to not consent to play with that person, because that person is a danger to themselves and others.

Like, it’s wonderful IF a young child is capable to make lunch or dinner a few times per week, but if the child can’t do that then the parent can’t let them go hungry those days. It’s wonderful if a young child can clean their own bedroom, but if they aren’t very good at it or don’t know how, the parent can’t go “wellp that’s YOUR bedroom” and leave rotting food and piles of junk everywhere.
The difference between a child and a responsible adult? An adult IS responsible for their own actions or lack thereof, there is no "if" here. By the time you're playing grown-up games, IF you can't act like a grown-up, DONT PLAY. It's pretty simple.

As the top, you must do your best to anticipate every possible thing that could go wrong with a scene and to own any mistakes you make.
And a bottom should be thinking about these things as well, what with them being an adult and all.

 Additionally, it is at the sole discretion of the bottom to decide when their limits have been violated. The bottom is the one who sets the limits in play, and therefore, they are the only one who can judge when they have been trespassed.
Are we talking about intentional "I said X was a limit and they did X anyways" malicious consent violations?
Or are we talking about "I said X was ok but then I felt icky"
Or "I said X was a limit, but they forgot and did X"
Or "We didn't talk about X, they didn't know it was a limit and neither did I, but X happened and I feel icky"
Consent violations are one thing, accidents, miscommunication, bad luck, unexpected triggers, etc are a whole different kettle of fish- It might have been a good idea to point that out. Not every icky feeling, accident, of miscommunication is a consent violation

If a bottom tells you their limits have been violated, that doesn’t mean you have done anything intentionally, but that does not negate your responsibility in the situation.
Erm... If it's unintentional, where' the responsibility beyond saying "I'm sorry you feel that way"?

 You must own this, like anything else that goes wrong in your scene. You must say, “Thank you so much for telling me. What do you want me to do, now? Do you need space, or want me to be involved in your recovery process? Do you feel comfortable to tell me how I should have handled things better?”
OR, much more logically you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. What can you do and what can I do to ensure that this does not happen again?" Because assuming the responsibility for the bottom's feelings will not actually solve the problem, asking the bottom if there is something that they can do to actively help themselves will have far more value than encouraging them to continue to abdicate responsibility for their feelings.

You will feel like shit, by the way. You will feel like you just kicked a puppy. Your heart will sink and you will feel like defending yourself. You have to control these immature responses, though, and remind yourself: I am the top. It is my job to own this, and do what I need to fix this. I am lucky that my bottom trusted me enough to tell me what I did wrong, so I have an opportunity to fix it and improve myself.
And where's the bottom's responsibility? If they did something to contribute to the fuck-up (like not safe word, or agree to something they were unsure of, or having a bad reaction to something they previously enjoyed, etc), how does it help them to assume all of the responsibility for their feelings?
It doesn't.

Maybe you did not mean to do it, but that does not absolve you of your duties. Intention means nothing, nothing at all. If you accidentally step over someone’s boundaries due to ignorance, negligence, or forgetfulness, you still have done harm to that person and you have an obligation to acknowledge that.
To acknowledge it? Yes.
To take responsibility for it no matter what the circumstances? No.

If you cannot do this -- if you cannot handle the responsibility of being a top, do not top.
If you cannot do this-- if you cannot take responsibility for your own well being and safety as a bottom, DO NOT bottom.

*********************************************************************************

And I'm sorry folks, but Every time one of these "Hey s-types and bottoms, it's perfectly A-OK for you to not take any responsibility for your role in a scene that accidentally went bad because the d-type should always be more responsible for your safety than you are" posts, it annoys the ever loving fuck out of me. I get all RAWR and ranty.

You're Not As Anonymous As You Think You Are.

Earlier this afternoon I got sucked into a blog vortex. It's kind of like the Youtube vortex, where you click aimlessly for hours and suddenly find half your day is missing and you're watching a video of a hamster trying to get jiggy with a grapefruit and you have no idea why... Er. I mean theoretically. That's never happened to me. Ever.

Moving on...

So, clicking my way through random blogs, I ended up reading this epic and seriously fucked up tale of some guy who fell in love with a girl who's parents were completely fucked in the head- And after 16 installments of the tale he left it hanging! There was no ending!

So I did a bad, bad thing which I am only admitting to because it serves a point that not a lot of people seem to pay attention to- You're Not As Anonymous As You Think You Are.

Now, I'm not going to link to this guy's blog, given that he's a Christian and I'm not sure how thrilled he'd be to be linked to a kinkster's blog, so I'm just going to call him Jimmy Dean (this is an homage to my favorite brand of breakfast sausage, BTW).

When writing his epic tale of woe, Jimmy D. was very careful to not use any names. Not even made up ones. He referred tot he girl as "my Ex," or typed her name (and all other names) out like this: *****. There were no pictures, nothing really identifying in the whole blog. Just his name.

That's it, the only thing he ever wrote in the entire 16 separate blogs was his name and that he worked in the music industry.


And maybe my Google Fu is stronger than the average interwebs user, but I doubt that. I'm not some sort of genius hacker, I cannot write code, and half the time I can barely get my favorite online time-wasting games to work right... But I found him. And through  him I found her name. With her name I found her family (who he maligned pretty badly in the blog), and eventually I found my way to her Facebook page.

All told, it took me half an hour.

30 minutes and all that anonymity was gone.

I doubt I was the first person to try to learn how the story ended, and I doubt I'll be the last- And at least with me I won't pester them, I won't send a message or stalk them or invade their privacy any more than I have. Case closed and I'm content.

But this is something that I don't think many folks think about online- That with the right clues, clues you might not mean to give out, someone can find you. Hell, someone could find me (I don't know why they'd want to, but they could). Someone with a much more lax moral compass than I possess could take that info and FIND you.

So when I get on Fet and visit random profiles and I see people who use their real names, who post their phone number, who air explicit non-consent fantasies on a website where a great many people don't seem to understand the concept of consent in all we do... It worries me. All it takes is one person with bad intentions and basic Google skills and then Dog only knows what might happen.

So be careful, OK?
You're not as anonymous as you think you are.

BDSM safety- Finding your limits (and yes, you DO have them).

This is such a popular thread topic that I felt the need to expand upon it in bloggy thing form-

Says Random Fetlife Girl-
"I researched a lot about it, read up on it, but I still don't know my limits... If I have any? I don't know how to go about it now that I am ready to experience it. It would mean a lot if someone can help me out!!!"

First, I really have to question how much research is "a lot" when someone still has no idea what their limits are or if they even have any limits.

The internet is a big place, the Kinkyverse is a big place, somewhere in one or both of those places (if you've done any reading at all) you've stumbled across something that's made you go "Ewwww!"

THAT "EWWWW!" MIGHT JUST BE A LIMIT.
So you read something, somewhere about someone eating poop and said "Ohmigawd! That's gross!" In the Kinkyverse that immediate negative reaction is known as a "squick," and generally things that cause a squick are some sort of limit.

Squicks are not limited to things that are gross, like eating poop, or being tinkled on, or being someone's personal ashtray, or a plethora of other physically icky things that folks can get off on. A squick can also apply to emotional or mental things.
Does the idea of humiliation make you feel bad, and not in a good way? Squick.
Does being "shared" make you feel icky on the inside? Squick.
Anything you can think of in the Kinkyverse that causes that squick feeling might just be a limit.

If you need to find examples of things to see if you have that squick reaction, try looking at a checklist of some sort. They're available in a great many places and usually have various kinky activities and D/s dynamic components listed within them.

So when you do squick (and you will), think about it:
Is it super-gross, never-ever-want-to-do-it-under-any-circumstances? Call that a "Hard Limit" then.
Is it just a little gross and maybe you could see yourself doing it if the stars aligned just right? That might be a "Soft Limit."

But what if you don't squick? What if everything you read turns you on to some extent?
There is plenty of shit I read about that turns me on, provides me with great wank fodder, and can get my motor humming in a fantasy-based way... And I think that this is something that can be really confusing to a newbie who hasn't really thought about it in a "OK, this is cool in my fantasy, but what about real life" way.

There's a difference.
Some people know right off that bat that some things only work for them in a fantasy context. For others it takes trial and error- And there's nothing wrong with that.

It is totally OK to say, "I read about this thing and it really turns me on, but I'm not sure if I'll like it in real life."

You are allowed to say, "I might not want to try this thing, and if I do try it, I might want to go very very slow, and not do it until I feel very very comfortable with you."

And that's what I would recommend for someone who has no experience and who thinks they might like everything- That they go very slowly, and very carefully, because it's far better to ease into something new and give yourself time to realize "Hey, maybe this isn't a good idea outside my fantasy" than to go gung-ho, full-throttle, and realize in the middle of the new thing that you might have made a REALLY big mistake and you're not enjoying it at all and you want it to stop and never happen again. Ever.

Nobody wants to be seriously traumatized in a bad way when exploring, and very few people would want to cause that reaction in someone they're playing with- Going slow reduces the chance of that happening.

EVERYBODY HAS LIMITS.
Seriously. Everybody.
Even the people who say that they're "no limits" because of how long they've been in a relationship or how much they trust their partner, they still have limits. Those limits might just not need to be called a limit... I mean, I don't have to tell Cookie that he's not allowed to play with chainsaws anywhere near my appendages (or in the house, for that matter), for it to be a limit. It kind of goes without saying because neither of us want me to loose a limb... Even unstated, loss of a limb is still a limit.

I'm also pretty sure that there's just stuff that hasn't hit my radar yet so I don't know if it's a limit or not. As well-informed as I try to be, I don't actually know everything yet (and I doubt I ever will)... So I might have limits that I don't even know are limits.

We ALL have something that we just won't do, and anybody who claims otherwise? They're an idiot.
There is no prize for not having any limits, nobody is going to come along and give you The Super-Best S-Type Award for not having any limits. And FFS, all that bullshit about a "True submissive/slave doesn't have limits"? You should pretty much feel free to ignore it and laugh at the idiot who makes such an uniformed claim.


So, Random Fetlife Girl, you are NOT ready to "experience it" because you're still woefully clueless which will get you or the person you play with hurt, and nobody wants that. Do all of us a favor and stay in the sandbox until you've figured out that you are not, as you suggest, "no limits," because I'll lay good odds that when you drop the poorly written erotica and pick up some educational reading, you'll easily discover a world of limits you didn't knew you had.

Dumping a D-type: Specific Rules & Regulations

It's an age-old story (or one that's just as old as the internet)-

Sub meets Dom.
Sub and Dom make an attachment.
Sub and Dom play and figure out they're just not compatible (or he's an ass, or she's an ass, or...)
Point is, someone wants out.
Wants to call it quits, the end, finis.

Thanks to poorly written erotica, fantasy-based play, and a whole shit-ton of stupid on the internet and in the community, some folks get the idea that a person (most often the s-type) can't just say "Hey, this isn't working for me. I think it's time to move on" and go.

Nope.

Folks had to complicate the hell out of something most of us have been doing since high school.

Why? Probably because it plays into the fantasy of D/s or M/s, that the s-type can't just end a relationship because she (or he) belongs to the D-type. Someone who's owned can't just cut and run like they could in a vanilla relationship.

And really? I don't care. If two or more folks want to abide by arbitrary rules developed by Dog Only Knows Who, apply them to their relationship or the ending of their relationship... More power to them, you know? Whatever floats their kinky little boats.

I do start to care, however, when these arbitrary rules get quoted to someone who wants out or perhaps needs to be out and puts their emotional or physical well-being in danger.

A few years ago I saw a post about a woman who was in an obviously abusive relationship and was wondering if she could leave the ass who was harming her. Sadly, I've seen quite a few of those so it wasn't as disturbing as it should be. What was disturbing was a woman who came along and started quoting The One True And Real Way's Guide To Disolving A BDSM Relationship.

She said that the submissive couldn't just leave, because she was "owned" and all.
She said that the submissive would have to beg to be released, and if she wasn't released- Well, too bad so sad.
She said it was up to the D-type (abuser) to decide if he wanted to let the submissive go.

Understandably, that response cause a shit-storm in the group and that member (and her misguided "helpful" advice were never heard from again). Which would be great if there wasn't always someone else willing to "helpfully" offer similar advice whenever a submissive asks how to end a relationship with her Domly Partner...

Hence this bloggy thing.

The fantasy is fun. It can really help set the mood, get you and your partner in the right mindset, and can contribute positively to the relationship-  While the relationship is still worth having.

Once you're done with the relationship though, for whatever reason? The fantasy needs to end as well, and despite what The One True And Real Guide may say about the matter- Ending the relationship is as easy as saying "It's over."

If you want to go through the rigmarole of "begging For Release" because you think it might provide some closure, that's your call. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

If you want to wait for your partner to say, "OK, I agree, it's over" because you think it might provide them with some closure, also your call. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

There are no rules and regulations about breaking up in a BDSM type of relationship unless YOU WANT TO USE THEM.

And if you do use them but the D-type says that they won't release you? It doesn't matter. You can still go on your merry way for a few reasons:
A) Slavery is illegal in the USA and a great many other nations.
B) Holding someone against their will is illegal in the USA and a great many other nations.
C) Forcing someone to participate in sexual activities they don't consent to is illegal in the USA and a great many other nations.

So unless they want to face court time and jail time... There's not a fat lot that a D-type can do to make you remain in a relationship you no longer consent to being in, other than breaking a few laws and paying for it eventually.

Reality (and the legal system system) trump fantasy every time.



As usual, YMMV. My opinion only. Do what works for you as long as it works for you.