You might know me.
I could be your daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, best friend, social acquaintance, co-worker, boss, or any other title someone you know could have.
Maybe you've known me for my entire life or yours.
Perhaps we've known each other for years, maybe our relationship is new.
Odds are good I've told you about my partner- I've waxed ecstatic over how wonderful he is or I've bitched about how he can never seem to turn his socks right side out before they go in the laundry basket.
You've probably seen photos of my small people and my pets, you may have met them, and have definitely heard multiple anecdotes about all of them- Good and hilariously bad.
My life and yours are intertwined in some way.
We're connected... Maybe at the heart, maybe at the hip, maybe by blood or maybe by something less binding- But that connection is there between us.
In some way we share our lives with each other and from the glimpses you get of mine, you think you know me.
Here's what you don't know: I'm kinky. I'm in a D/s relationship. I'm not the person you thought I was.
There, I've said it.
And I'm guessing that this is what you're thinking- That I'm either abused or an abuser. That I'm broken and I need to be fixed. That there's something wrong with the life I'm living, something wrong with my partner, and that the both of us need professional help.
I don't blame you for that, really, even though the idea of you having those thoughts about me is painful. I thought the same thing of myself for the longest time. "What's wrong with me that I like the things I do? Why do I want to submit to some guy? why do I like it when he slaps my bum? Why does rope, leather, and shiny-jingly bits of metal do more for me than flowers and chocolate?"
Just like you, I had this idea of what BDSM was, and it wasn't pretty. It was dark, and dangerous, and shameful, and I thought that because of the media's depictions of BDSM. The media, and it's portrayals of the things I found interesting were pretty much always negative... Broken people doing horrible (but sexy-to-me) things to other broken people.
What else was I supposed to think? It's not like there are healthy, happy, fulfilled kinksters wandering the streets who are easily accessible as role models. The happy, healthy, fulfilled people are keeping mum because they know what the general populace thinks of them and they know that there are some pretty horrible things that can happen to people who are outed. So what we're left with is the De Sades (AKA writers of fantasy wank fodder that holds no bearing on reality), the Christian Greys, the perps on Law & Order SVU, Criminal Minds, CSI, and Dateline reports to inform the public's opinion of what BDSM is.
Because of that opinion I fear your opinion of me changing into something negative. I fear that in a custody battle I could lose my children, that if outed at work I could be fired (especially if there's a morality clause), that I could lose my good name among people in my community. Those things happen to people like me. They have happened.
They keep happening.
Why?
Because the stereotype is much more powerful than my reality... Also understandable- Who wants to come out as kinky when you know the reception you'll get and the risks it involves?
Because other kinksters say "Your friends/family/ important people don't need to know how your relationship is structured and what you like to do in your bedroom."
I think you do need to know. Maybe not the specifics- I certainly don't want to hear about every single thing you might get up to behind closed doors, but I do think that you need to know that there is nothing shameful about my relationship, that what I'm doing is something that contributes positively to my life, and that allowing my partner to lead while I act as his support person is how I'm function best in a relationship (we can't all be CEOs).
I think you need to know that the kinky sexy times we have together is consensual, and not just consensual, but that I enthusiastically consent and am aware of the risks some types of play involve (I also know how to mitigate those risks).
I need you to know that it's not about violence, even though our play can look violent- He's never angry or intent on causing me harm. He's joyfully providing me with a sensation that I find satisfying (really, joyful. We laugh and smile a lot while playing). There's a huge difference between violence and abusive behavior, and rough play that makes me feel all gooshy inside. One I wouldn't stand for, the other I welcome as a part of our intimacy.
I need you to know that allowing him to lead in our relationship doesn't mean that I'm being subjugated against my will or that I cannot lead- I just like to follow where he leads... With some exceptions- He's not allowed to mess with my health care decisions, my kitchen, and he'd better keep his man hands off my clothing selections (he's color blind and fashion obtuse, a bad combination). Beyond that? He's proven time and again that he can make wise choices for us and our relationship which is why I trust him to lead and can follow him. If he couldn't lead? I wouldn't follow.
My relationship is not the stuff of bad erotica or cop shows. It's not anything like the drivel on the silver screen or your small screen. Those people are not the people I know and care for.
Those people are not the people you know or care for.
The people you know and care for who might be kinky? They're the same people they always were. Being kinky doesn't change that and it doesn't alter who they are. The smart, funny, competent adults you know? They're still that person... They just like something that's not the norm. They like their relationships a bit more like Ward and June's, they like their sex and play a bit spicier... No big deal, right?
So why is it a big deal when really- It's not?
Think about it.
Sincerely,
A kinky person you know.
Showing posts with label Something Nice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Something Nice. Show all posts
Friday, March 13, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
Buying A Good Corset
I bought my first "corset" way back in 2000, before the internet was the place it is now and the shopping selection was rather limited. It came from Frederick's of Hollywood and man, was I stoked. I'd been drooling over corsets for as long as I could recall... And getting this one? It was awesome.
I did up the little hook and eye closures, tugged the bejeesus out of the laces in back, and prepared to be awed by the effects of this long desired garment on my splendiferous self...
It was like that, and I can assure you that it was even more uncomfortable than it looks (and it sure as hell looks plenty uncomfortable). Here I was with images of Super Sexy Squeaky cavorting through my head and what I got was something more like 180 pounds of Squeaky stuffed in a Casing not rated for that much awesome. Despondent, I tossed the damn thing in the back of my closet, never again to see the light of day.
I felt pretty bad. Nobody had told me that the reasons those Freddy's of Hollywood type corsets are only shown on thin models is because they're only fashion "corsets" and have all the structure of a lightly boned ballgown bodice (which is next to no structure). They're meant to be worn no tighter than a snug shirt- Which is why you never see a plump girl modeling them (as evinced by the above photos).
So! In order to save you from my disappointment, and because corsets are becoming so dang popular, I decided to put together a little How-To for buying your first real corset (or even just a better one if you already bought a disappointing cheapie).
First and foremost- When it comes to corsetry, you really do get what you pay for. Those 3 for $75 "deals" that sites like Corset Story run all the time won't get you a real corset no matter what the advertisements say. You can get decent starter corsets from them, but they're going to be somewhere in the $70-100+ range. Corsets are not garment that can be made cheaply and still function as a corset should.
Next up, the busk.
This is one of Corset Story's "steel boned" corsets (an OK corset but fair warning, they're not that curvy in real life). I liked the fabric and that the busk was visible.
The busk is the preferred style of closure for most corset enthusiasts. It's sturdy (in more expensive models, super cheap busks are a nightmare) and easy to open and close.
Really crappy fashion "corsets" close with hook-and-eye fasteners, the sort you find at the top of your zipper on a nice dress, or with cheap zippers. The white corset has hook-and-eye closure. Neither are effective closures for a corset that's going to be worn any thighter than the afore mentioned snug shirt.
Corsets that are a bit more expensive might use a busk, which is better. A busk adds structure to the front of a corset and acts as boning. But there's a problem- Cheap busks can warp, taking on this shape ( from the bust and stomach forcing the busk to conform to the wearer's body. A little warping is OK, a lot of warping can ruin the busk making it impossible to fasten and unfasten.
A good busk will remain flat, support the garment, and tame an unwanted tummy bulge (yay!). A good busk will not bend easily in your hands when you gently flex it (the same rule applies to boning: Good boning isn't very flexible). The better the busk used in the corset you wear, the better and longer the corset will be wearable.
The standard corset closes at the back (the back! Not the front!) with lacing. It's one of the most recognizable parts of corsetry, those crisscross laces.
Cheap and cheaper corsets use eyelets (made from one piece of metal in a flower shape that is pressed into place, causing the "petals" of the flower shape to curve around the fabric). By itself that's not so horrible, but they do have a tendency to tear out because the "petals" are sharp and can cut the surrounding fabric, and they can snag your laces. If the manufacturers are really cheap and lazy they might use eyelet tape, horrid stuff that's not at all suitable for corsets.
They grey and blue corsets use grommets (two pieces of metal that are pressed together, into each other- Not into the fabric itself like eyelets). Grommets are sturdier, less likely to separate from the fabric, and are much, much smoother. They won't snag your laces.
Next Up: How the cut of the corset affects the shape it gives you...
First, we've got one of those cheapie corsets that I've been ragging on:
Holy curves, Batman!
I have no idea who is responsible for the cut of that corset, but man... That is one sexy garment.
The difference between the pink tube and Black & Blue lady? The pattern, or "cut" of the garment.
Cheapies look like tubes because tubes are easy to make.
A structural marvel like the blue corset takes skill and effort to create.
Now you don't have to invest a small fortune to buy a curvy corset, Orchard Corset's 426 line can do amazing things to a waistline and on sale they're right in the $80-90 range. Sometimes cheaper if you get lucky... But you're not going to get curves like that from fashion corsets or a bustier, they are not made with materials that will hold up under that much strain.
Finally (finally!), material.
If you've ever been into a fabric store you know that nice material isn't cheap. A heavy brocade or satin is going to run between $10 to $20 per yard, so it makes sense that a nice corset is going to reflect that cost in its price.
The cheapest corset I currently own (purchased for a one-time costume) set me back a whopping $35 dollars on ebay. To be honest, it's not a horrid corset, but you can tell it didn't cost much to make. The boning and busk were flimsy, the cut was more fabric tube than Holy Curves, but you could tell they skimped on the fabric- The "satin" crinkled like tissue paper and it wasn't even lined. It just had felt over the bones and a fusible interfacing... Super cheap.
Had I worn it more than once, or tried to lace it tight, I'm pretty sure the seams would have given out. The poor thing just wasn't built to be a real corset.
A real corset? It's going to have between 2 and three layers of fabric in its construction. A cotton liner (often something heavy like duck) and then another heavy material as the fashion layer (brocade, satin, cotton, velvet, ect). If the fashion layer is something fragile like silk or lace, this layer will be on top of a middle layer.
The only exception to this are mesh corsets which I know next-to-nothing about. I don't much care for the look of them so I haven't researched them.
And I think that's it, without going super buck nuts on information. If you'd like to learn more on your own two of the best corset resources are:
Lucy's Corsetry
She has loads of helpful blogs and videos. Lucy is seriously awesome.
The Long Island Staylace Association
Seriously the BEST site for anything to do with corsets on the web.
Also:
Orchard Corset
Two of the corsets in this article are from Orchard Corset and I own two myself. Their quality for the cost cannot be beat, they make the best, affordable off the rack corsets, and even more wonderful? They have curve levels to fit multiple body types! They're also super helpful if you have any questions and they have blogs and vieos to help with selecting a corset. I cannot rave about them enough. Go check them out.
"Yeah, I'm looking at my boob. So what?"
I did up the little hook and eye closures, tugged the bejeesus out of the laces in back, and prepared to be awed by the effects of this long desired garment on my splendiferous self...
Is this supposed to look so painful?
It was like that, and I can assure you that it was even more uncomfortable than it looks (and it sure as hell looks plenty uncomfortable). Here I was with images of Super Sexy Squeaky cavorting through my head and what I got was something more like 180 pounds of Squeaky stuffed in a Casing not rated for that much awesome. Despondent, I tossed the damn thing in the back of my closet, never again to see the light of day.
I felt pretty bad. Nobody had told me that the reasons those Freddy's of Hollywood type corsets are only shown on thin models is because they're only fashion "corsets" and have all the structure of a lightly boned ballgown bodice (which is next to no structure). They're meant to be worn no tighter than a snug shirt- Which is why you never see a plump girl modeling them (as evinced by the above photos).
So! In order to save you from my disappointment, and because corsets are becoming so dang popular, I decided to put together a little How-To for buying your first real corset (or even just a better one if you already bought a disappointing cheapie).
First and foremost- When it comes to corsetry, you really do get what you pay for. Those 3 for $75 "deals" that sites like Corset Story run all the time won't get you a real corset no matter what the advertisements say. You can get decent starter corsets from them, but they're going to be somewhere in the $70-100+ range. Corsets are not garment that can be made cheaply and still function as a corset should.
Image courtesy of Orchard Corset
Take a second to compare this lady in blue to our unfortunate friend in black, above...
There's quite a bit of difference between the two pictures, right (and even though you can't see the front of the black corset, I assure you, it's no prettier than the back is)? I'll explain why that is:
Do you know how a snug shirt will want to ride up your hips and bunch around your waist? That's exactly what a corset would do if it wasn't boned. Boning is what supports the corset, it's like the corsets skeleton.
Cheap manufacturers use plastic or super low-grade flexible steel to bone their garments. This is Ok if you want to wear a corset-like garment no tighter than you'd wear a snug shirt and you're on the thinner side of the body-type spectrum, the cheap boning will keep the fabric from bunching. Any tighter than that, even if you're a smaller size, and that cheap boning will buckle and warp, exactly what happened to our friend in black.
The lady in blue? Her corset is boned with flat steel at the back along the grommets (which keeps it from looking all wavy) and in the front along the busk. Along the curved seams, like the bust, it's boned with this neat stuff called spiral steel- It's strong enough to flex with the garment and still provide support.
The tighter you want to wear your corset, the more important good, quality boning is to avoid the wrinkley-wavy look.
Who hasn't seen one of these on someone, somewhere?
Next up, the busk.
This is one of Corset Story's "steel boned" corsets (an OK corset but fair warning, they're not that curvy in real life). I liked the fabric and that the busk was visible.
The busk is the preferred style of closure for most corset enthusiasts. It's sturdy (in more expensive models, super cheap busks are a nightmare) and easy to open and close.
Really crappy fashion "corsets" close with hook-and-eye fasteners, the sort you find at the top of your zipper on a nice dress, or with cheap zippers. The white corset has hook-and-eye closure. Neither are effective closures for a corset that's going to be worn any thighter than the afore mentioned snug shirt.
Corsets that are a bit more expensive might use a busk, which is better. A busk adds structure to the front of a corset and acts as boning. But there's a problem- Cheap busks can warp, taking on this shape ( from the bust and stomach forcing the busk to conform to the wearer's body. A little warping is OK, a lot of warping can ruin the busk making it impossible to fasten and unfasten.
A good busk will remain flat, support the garment, and tame an unwanted tummy bulge (yay!). A good busk will not bend easily in your hands when you gently flex it (the same rule applies to boning: Good boning isn't very flexible). The better the busk used in the corset you wear, the better and longer the corset will be wearable.
I have this corset! Image from Orchard Corset.
The standard corset closes at the back (the back! Not the front!) with lacing. It's one of the most recognizable parts of corsetry, those crisscross laces.
Cheap and cheaper corsets use eyelets (made from one piece of metal in a flower shape that is pressed into place, causing the "petals" of the flower shape to curve around the fabric). By itself that's not so horrible, but they do have a tendency to tear out because the "petals" are sharp and can cut the surrounding fabric, and they can snag your laces. If the manufacturers are really cheap and lazy they might use eyelet tape, horrid stuff that's not at all suitable for corsets.
They grey and blue corsets use grommets (two pieces of metal that are pressed together, into each other- Not into the fabric itself like eyelets). Grommets are sturdier, less likely to separate from the fabric, and are much, much smoother. They won't snag your laces.
Next Up: How the cut of the corset affects the shape it gives you...
First, we've got one of those cheapie corsets that I've been ragging on:
"Do these pasties make my boobs look silly?"
It took me a while to find an image that wasn't photoshopped, a nasty trick some sellers use to think you're getting this awesome, curvy corset when in fact you're getting a fabric tube with about as many curves as a ruler.
Next we've got another lady in blue:
I wish I knew who to credit this to because they deserve it.
Holy curves, Batman!
I have no idea who is responsible for the cut of that corset, but man... That is one sexy garment.
The difference between the pink tube and Black & Blue lady? The pattern, or "cut" of the garment.
Cheapies look like tubes because tubes are easy to make.
A structural marvel like the blue corset takes skill and effort to create.
Now you don't have to invest a small fortune to buy a curvy corset, Orchard Corset's 426 line can do amazing things to a waistline and on sale they're right in the $80-90 range. Sometimes cheaper if you get lucky... But you're not going to get curves like that from fashion corsets or a bustier, they are not made with materials that will hold up under that much strain.
Finally (finally!), material.
If you've ever been into a fabric store you know that nice material isn't cheap. A heavy brocade or satin is going to run between $10 to $20 per yard, so it makes sense that a nice corset is going to reflect that cost in its price.
The cheapest corset I currently own (purchased for a one-time costume) set me back a whopping $35 dollars on ebay. To be honest, it's not a horrid corset, but you can tell it didn't cost much to make. The boning and busk were flimsy, the cut was more fabric tube than Holy Curves, but you could tell they skimped on the fabric- The "satin" crinkled like tissue paper and it wasn't even lined. It just had felt over the bones and a fusible interfacing... Super cheap.
Had I worn it more than once, or tried to lace it tight, I'm pretty sure the seams would have given out. The poor thing just wasn't built to be a real corset.
A real corset? It's going to have between 2 and three layers of fabric in its construction. A cotton liner (often something heavy like duck) and then another heavy material as the fashion layer (brocade, satin, cotton, velvet, ect). If the fashion layer is something fragile like silk or lace, this layer will be on top of a middle layer.
The only exception to this are mesh corsets which I know next-to-nothing about. I don't much care for the look of them so I haven't researched them.
And I think that's it, without going super buck nuts on information. If you'd like to learn more on your own two of the best corset resources are:
Lucy's Corsetry
She has loads of helpful blogs and videos. Lucy is seriously awesome.
The Long Island Staylace Association
Seriously the BEST site for anything to do with corsets on the web.
Also:
Orchard Corset
Two of the corsets in this article are from Orchard Corset and I own two myself. Their quality for the cost cannot be beat, they make the best, affordable off the rack corsets, and even more wonderful? They have curve levels to fit multiple body types! They're also super helpful if you have any questions and they have blogs and vieos to help with selecting a corset. I cannot rave about them enough. Go check them out.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Life, in all of it's frustrating, busy, glory.
I have totally ignored my poor, poor blog.
At night I can hear it quietly weeping, waiting for me to pay attention to it, and despairing every time I troll the interwebs without once thinking of it.
I swear a have a plethora of good excuses though!
October 25th Cookie and I finally (FINALLY!) got around to celebrating the fact that we got hitched ages ago. The last few weeks leading up to it had me pulling the hair out of both of our heads, gnashing my teeth, and generally running around like a thing possessed. Anybody who has ever planned a big party on a budget will understand. It was crazy-making.
Thankfully it went off without a hitch (seriously! Everything went according to plan!), and it was an epic party.
The venue was spectacular- We rented a ballroom.
Our DJ rocked the house.
The décor (all DIY, have I mentioned that I'm a wee bit insane?), food, and drinks were all quite tasty, and...
I made chocolate covered caramel apples.
Devine.
Then, party done it was time for Halloween. We take Halloween seriously around these parts. We dress up, the small folk dress up, it's a fiasco and a half and we love every minute of it.
Of course this year it chose to snow, and rain, and the temperature hovered somewhere right above freezing... But still. Good times.
And finally, November.
For most folks November is that time of year where you draw turkeys by outlining your hand.
For me- It's NaNoWriMo.
National November Writing Month.
The 30 days where I attempt to write a novel.
So far it's going well, 7 days in and I'm at 37,199 words (for folks not obsessed with word counts, that's about 140ish pages).
It also means that except when Cookie orders me away from my precious keyboard (My Preciousssss!) I do nothing else but attempt to churn out the Next Great American Novel.
*snort*
Anyways, that's life lately.
It's pretty great.
At night I can hear it quietly weeping, waiting for me to pay attention to it, and despairing every time I troll the interwebs without once thinking of it.
I swear a have a plethora of good excuses though!
October 25th Cookie and I finally (FINALLY!) got around to celebrating the fact that we got hitched ages ago. The last few weeks leading up to it had me pulling the hair out of both of our heads, gnashing my teeth, and generally running around like a thing possessed. Anybody who has ever planned a big party on a budget will understand. It was crazy-making.
Thankfully it went off without a hitch (seriously! Everything went according to plan!), and it was an epic party.
The venue was spectacular- We rented a ballroom.
Our DJ rocked the house.
The décor (all DIY, have I mentioned that I'm a wee bit insane?), food, and drinks were all quite tasty, and...
I made chocolate covered caramel apples.
Devine.
Then, party done it was time for Halloween. We take Halloween seriously around these parts. We dress up, the small folk dress up, it's a fiasco and a half and we love every minute of it.
Of course this year it chose to snow, and rain, and the temperature hovered somewhere right above freezing... But still. Good times.
And finally, November.
For most folks November is that time of year where you draw turkeys by outlining your hand.
For me- It's NaNoWriMo.
National November Writing Month.
The 30 days where I attempt to write a novel.
So far it's going well, 7 days in and I'm at 37,199 words (for folks not obsessed with word counts, that's about 140ish pages).
It also means that except when Cookie orders me away from my precious keyboard (My Preciousssss!) I do nothing else but attempt to churn out the Next Great American Novel.
*snort*
Anyways, that's life lately.
It's pretty great.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Shakespeare And BDSM (Two Seemingly Unrelated Topics That Aren't)
I'm going to quote Shakespeare here in a minute, not to show off my insane love of books or to showcase what a pretentious twat I am, but because it's an excellent quote that I feel can save people from a lot of the angst that can accompany doing something outside the norm- Something many people consider bad, or dark, or any of a hundred different negative adjectives that are often applied to WIITWD.
"For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
(That's Hamlet, yo)
It's a thought-provoking idea- That everything that exists does so in a neutral state, neither good or bad, until we apply our social constructs, prejudices, preferences, morals or ethics to it... It's not good or bad until we think it is.
Sadly for kink (and for a lot of other things in our lives) our thoughts about it begin to form long before we're aware that it's something we may be interested in later on in life. Society, our family, the media, they all influence our perceptions of a thing and inform us if that thing is good or bad. They essentially do our thinking for us.
By the time we're adults this influence has informed us that BDSM is bad. It's immoral, unethical, dark, dangerous, wrong, shameful... You get the point, I'm sure.
For some folks that's OK because they get off on the notion that they're doing something forbidden, they embrace the negative and revel in how "dark" they are, they enjoy the FU Society aspect of it, the "bad" label is what does it for them- It's the major draw.
But for other folks, this programming causes a great deal of angst. I see it on a daily basis in my meanderings though the Kinkyverse- Nice people who feel pretty rotten about themselves for having a body that likes pain or bondage, or a mind that enjoys submission (or domination), humiliation, etc.
They question how they can reconcile the nice person that they are and the "bad" things they want to do.
Enter Shakespeare's quote (stage left)- For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
Realizing that these thoughts are nothing more than societal programming, and that you can actively change how you think about things, is an astounding thing that can solve this conundrum (and a great many other conundrums). Society (or your family, the media, et al) may have told you that this thing is bad- But you obviously have other thoughts on the matter. If you think it's good, it's fulfilling, and it brings you some amount of happiness... That's the thinking that should matter. Your thoughts are what matter.
Kink in itself is neither good or bad. It's neutral.
If you think it's good, then it is, and damn what anybody else thinks you should think.
Except Shakespeare. He was spot on in this instance.
"For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
(That's Hamlet, yo)
It's a thought-provoking idea- That everything that exists does so in a neutral state, neither good or bad, until we apply our social constructs, prejudices, preferences, morals or ethics to it... It's not good or bad until we think it is.
Sadly for kink (and for a lot of other things in our lives) our thoughts about it begin to form long before we're aware that it's something we may be interested in later on in life. Society, our family, the media, they all influence our perceptions of a thing and inform us if that thing is good or bad. They essentially do our thinking for us.
By the time we're adults this influence has informed us that BDSM is bad. It's immoral, unethical, dark, dangerous, wrong, shameful... You get the point, I'm sure.
For some folks that's OK because they get off on the notion that they're doing something forbidden, they embrace the negative and revel in how "dark" they are, they enjoy the FU Society aspect of it, the "bad" label is what does it for them- It's the major draw.
But for other folks, this programming causes a great deal of angst. I see it on a daily basis in my meanderings though the Kinkyverse- Nice people who feel pretty rotten about themselves for having a body that likes pain or bondage, or a mind that enjoys submission (or domination), humiliation, etc.
They question how they can reconcile the nice person that they are and the "bad" things they want to do.
Enter Shakespeare's quote (stage left)- For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
Realizing that these thoughts are nothing more than societal programming, and that you can actively change how you think about things, is an astounding thing that can solve this conundrum (and a great many other conundrums). Society (or your family, the media, et al) may have told you that this thing is bad- But you obviously have other thoughts on the matter. If you think it's good, it's fulfilling, and it brings you some amount of happiness... That's the thinking that should matter. Your thoughts are what matter.
Kink in itself is neither good or bad. It's neutral.
If you think it's good, then it is, and damn what anybody else thinks you should think.
Except Shakespeare. He was spot on in this instance.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
How To Be A Kitty Cat
Folks ask for advice all the time about how to do specific activities. Most of the time it's rather understandable- If you've never tied someone up you might be curious about how to do that activity safely, and the interwebz (and the folks using the interwebz) can be a great tool for learning how to do that new activity that you're interested in... But sometimes, it backfires.
Take this recent thread for example that I found in Novices & Newbies on Fet:
My master, wants me to be more like a kitty cat. This is the first time I am doing this. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE CONTROL ME!!! (maybe). Want are somethings to help me turn him on, and what are something he could do to be more of a master to a little tiny kitty like me. I just want to make sure my master is pleased :). So help a kitty out MEOW!!!.
O am wearing a cute outfit!!!! want can i do to seem sexier in it?
The first few respondents gave the usual advise, "Ask him what he thinks being more like a kitty cat means" and "Try joining a group for cat play" but when someone mined the poor guy's profile (that the girlfriend made for him) and learned he was vanilla (his words) and that he had absolutely no interest in kinky play... Folks decided to have fun with the thread.
And because the idea of a human being doing any (or even better, all) of the advise given on how to be a cat amused me and made me giggle, I decided to share.
Punch him in his full bladder a few hours after he's fallen asleep. When he wakes up, demand cereal.
When you want his attention, walk away from him and roll around on the floor looking adorable. When he takes the bait, you have two options:
1) Run.
2) Bite him.
Stare at him for long periods of time without blinking.
When you hear crinkly paper, get excited.
When you hear plastic bags, run and hide. When he finds you, say (very loudly) WTF IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUU.
If it's warm, sit on it.
Boxes. There's nothing you can't do with a box.
When receiving gifts, throw away the gift and be super happy about the wrapping (and/or box) that it came in.
If you're unaltered, howl like a banshee during your ovulation cycle. Make sure to walk funny and present your ass at every opportunity.
Tell him you're soooo sooo hungry and you can't wait another MINUTE without a treat. When you have the treat in front of you, let him know you've changed your mind - but you're glad he knows how to follow instructions.
When he gets up from a chair, run over and sleep in his spot.
Sleep on the bed taking up as much room as possible.
When he is almost asleep climb on his pillow above his head, head-butt him over and over until he pets you... Then bite him... Then make mud pies in his scalp, roll yourself in his hair, and don't move an inch.
Get into the catnip, then stare glassy eyed at a wall for 3 straight hours.
Vow to finally catch that abominable red dot.
Did anyone cover the entire being a creeper while the human uses the facilities?
Tip: if you get locked out of the bathroom (and thus can't creep) sharpen your nails on the door until it opens.
Stick your paws/fingers under the door, or even better, get your nose down there and try to peek under the door while mewing pitifully since the occupant must have "drownededed". When the door opens, turn away quickly and ignore said occupant.
Don't forget to watch the water go down the toilet when he flushes, and bat at his boxer/briefs when he is using the facilities.
Bat at the door to get in any room. When he lets you in, wait until he has sat back down and has started doing what he had been doing before then bat and meow at the door to get out.
If he has fish, watch them and try to get them out of the tank.
When he's in bed, sleeping, attack his feet whenever he moves them.
Perch atop tall furniture/appliances and whap his head whenever he walks by.
For absolutely no reason run wildly from one end of the house to the other multiple times, then abruptly stop and begin licking your parts.
Stalk small insects when they enter your domain. Meow piteously when you can't catch them.
Pace back and forth on the couch, making sure to step on his groin each time you pass him.
If he tries to eat something, stick your hand in it. If he tries to drink something, knock the drink onto the floor.
Knock everything onto the floor, then kill it.
Remember one sip out of your water (or in my case wine) glass means it's empty and needs to be refilled immediately. Same goes for the food.
Look in the pantry and whatever there is the most of you refuse to eat it, even if it was your absolutely favorite food last week.
Begin using a litter box- But you cannot go IN the litter box.Paw around in it and then squat beside it to do your business. Or in the bathtub.
Bring a live mouse to the door and insist on dropping it in his lap.
Soon as he puts anything in his lap, like a keyboard or a book, you must immediately climb across his lap and lie in the middle of it so he cannot work with whatever it is that has suddenly taken up that very valuable real estate.
Hiss at him and run away and hide under the bed when he comes near you with nail clippers.
Play "hockey" with hard candies in the tiled hallway at 2am. Whack that fucker hard as you can into the baseboard repeatedly for as many ricochet shots as you can get with a single swipe.
Get talons and scratch the fuck out of the furniture.
Trip him up when he's in the kitchen.
Attack things on the TV.
Stick your bum in his face when he's trying to watch TV.
Whenever he pays attention to something other than you (like talk on the phone or read a book/the net) get in his face and start caterwauling.
Noisily investigate the entire house at 2am.
Vomit in his car on road trips.
Pick the coldest, snowiest night and yowl at the door until he opens it. Stand there until he tries to push you out with his foot. Then run back into the house. Repeat five times until he bodily picks you up to toss you out. Scratch his face while screeching until he drops you. Then run hide under the bed for two days.
If he isn't pleased with any of the above mentioned behaviors, and shows his disapproval - wait until he least expects it and then leave something disgusting in his shoes.
Take this recent thread for example that I found in Novices & Newbies on Fet:
My master, wants me to be more like a kitty cat. This is the first time I am doing this. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE CONTROL ME!!! (maybe). Want are somethings to help me turn him on, and what are something he could do to be more of a master to a little tiny kitty like me. I just want to make sure my master is pleased :). So help a kitty out MEOW!!!.
O am wearing a cute outfit!!!! want can i do to seem sexier in it?
The first few respondents gave the usual advise, "Ask him what he thinks being more like a kitty cat means" and "Try joining a group for cat play" but when someone mined the poor guy's profile (that the girlfriend made for him) and learned he was vanilla (his words) and that he had absolutely no interest in kinky play... Folks decided to have fun with the thread.
And because the idea of a human being doing any (or even better, all) of the advise given on how to be a cat amused me and made me giggle, I decided to share.
How To Be A Kitty Cat
by: The Members of Novices & Newbies
Punch him in his full bladder a few hours after he's fallen asleep. When he wakes up, demand cereal.
When you want his attention, walk away from him and roll around on the floor looking adorable. When he takes the bait, you have two options:
1) Run.
2) Bite him.
Stare at him for long periods of time without blinking.
When you hear crinkly paper, get excited.
When you hear plastic bags, run and hide. When he finds you, say (very loudly) WTF IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUU.
If it's warm, sit on it.
Boxes. There's nothing you can't do with a box.
When receiving gifts, throw away the gift and be super happy about the wrapping (and/or box) that it came in.
If you're unaltered, howl like a banshee during your ovulation cycle. Make sure to walk funny and present your ass at every opportunity.
Tell him you're soooo sooo hungry and you can't wait another MINUTE without a treat. When you have the treat in front of you, let him know you've changed your mind - but you're glad he knows how to follow instructions.
When he gets up from a chair, run over and sleep in his spot.
Sleep on the bed taking up as much room as possible.
When he is almost asleep climb on his pillow above his head, head-butt him over and over until he pets you... Then bite him... Then make mud pies in his scalp, roll yourself in his hair, and don't move an inch.
Get into the catnip, then stare glassy eyed at a wall for 3 straight hours.
Vow to finally catch that abominable red dot.
Did anyone cover the entire being a creeper while the human uses the facilities?
Tip: if you get locked out of the bathroom (and thus can't creep) sharpen your nails on the door until it opens.
Stick your paws/fingers under the door, or even better, get your nose down there and try to peek under the door while mewing pitifully since the occupant must have "drownededed". When the door opens, turn away quickly and ignore said occupant.
Don't forget to watch the water go down the toilet when he flushes, and bat at his boxer/briefs when he is using the facilities.
Bat at the door to get in any room. When he lets you in, wait until he has sat back down and has started doing what he had been doing before then bat and meow at the door to get out.
If he has fish, watch them and try to get them out of the tank.
When he's in bed, sleeping, attack his feet whenever he moves them.
Perch atop tall furniture/appliances and whap his head whenever he walks by.
For absolutely no reason run wildly from one end of the house to the other multiple times, then abruptly stop and begin licking your parts.
Stalk small insects when they enter your domain. Meow piteously when you can't catch them.
Pace back and forth on the couch, making sure to step on his groin each time you pass him.
If he tries to eat something, stick your hand in it. If he tries to drink something, knock the drink onto the floor.
Knock everything onto the floor, then kill it.
Remember one sip out of your water (or in my case wine) glass means it's empty and needs to be refilled immediately. Same goes for the food.
Look in the pantry and whatever there is the most of you refuse to eat it, even if it was your absolutely favorite food last week.
Begin using a litter box- But you cannot go IN the litter box.Paw around in it and then squat beside it to do your business. Or in the bathtub.
Bring a live mouse to the door and insist on dropping it in his lap.
Soon as he puts anything in his lap, like a keyboard or a book, you must immediately climb across his lap and lie in the middle of it so he cannot work with whatever it is that has suddenly taken up that very valuable real estate.
Hiss at him and run away and hide under the bed when he comes near you with nail clippers.
Play "hockey" with hard candies in the tiled hallway at 2am. Whack that fucker hard as you can into the baseboard repeatedly for as many ricochet shots as you can get with a single swipe.
Get talons and scratch the fuck out of the furniture.
Trip him up when he's in the kitchen.
Attack things on the TV.
Stick your bum in his face when he's trying to watch TV.
Whenever he pays attention to something other than you (like talk on the phone or read a book/the net) get in his face and start caterwauling.
Noisily investigate the entire house at 2am.
Vomit in his car on road trips.
Pick the coldest, snowiest night and yowl at the door until he opens it. Stand there until he tries to push you out with his foot. Then run back into the house. Repeat five times until he bodily picks you up to toss you out. Scratch his face while screeching until he drops you. Then run hide under the bed for two days.
If he isn't pleased with any of the above mentioned behaviors, and shows his disapproval - wait until he least expects it and then leave something disgusting in his shoes.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
The Daily Flogger
http://www.thedailyflogger.com/
See that link? You should click on it and read the stuff these folks write. Not because it's all Supr Srs Bisness, but because it's funny, and I think the Kinkyverse could use a good dose of humor once in a while.
And I'm afraid that's all I've got for today... Unless anybody wants to hear about Hol's mysterious toenail malady? Anybody? No? I didn't think so.
See that link? You should click on it and read the stuff these folks write. Not because it's all Supr Srs Bisness, but because it's funny, and I think the Kinkyverse could use a good dose of humor once in a while.
And I'm afraid that's all I've got for today... Unless anybody wants to hear about Hol's mysterious toenail malady? Anybody? No? I didn't think so.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Happy Submissive!
Often suffering from an excess of boredom I have this habit of checking (and rechecking and re-rechecking) any site that might offer me some sort of amusement. Facebook. Craigslist. Fetlife's K&P. So today while maniacally hitting the refresh button on my browser I stumbled upon a picture on Fet.
It wasn't "sexy" and it wasn't even titillating (well, to me anyways. There was a stray weenie in the picture but stray weenies don't do much to get my libido going), but there was just something about this picture that spoke to me... Though I admit, that could have just been the voices. Again.
Anyways. The girl in this picture just looked so happy. Like she'd just had the best time of her life. It's entirely possible that in that moment, she was glowing. Her enjoyment was just that apparent. It was awesome.
And as I sat there (or here) basking in the happy-glow of this chick I wondered why this one image of a happy girl was affecting me so much. I mean, I'm not lacking happiness in my own life- Cookie is just about the most happy-inspiring person ever, my dogs make me laugh all the time (because they're idiots), my small folk are funny, and when I'm not exuding snark from my pores because of some stupid shit I saw on the interwebs I'm generally a pretty happy person.
Eventually it dawned on me: The image was so great because it was such a rare thing to see in the Kinkyverse- A happy submissive.
Really. If you turn off safe search on Google and type in "submissive" you'll get a screen full of women who are crying, mid-scream, or look like they're having the worst possible time ever. Honestly. An office full of Dental patients mid root canal look like they're having more fun than the average submissive in a picture.
And the stories? Geez Louise... Every submissive is a miserable martyr. All basking in just how put-upon they are, how much everything they do sucks balls (and not nice, clean, manscaped balls either), and how one must suffer at every turn to be a submissive. Gah. It's depressing. Really. I feel like I need some Prozac or Abilify or something just to wade through the Kinkyverse on most days.
So this one happy chick, beaming her happiness and enjoyment at me from my computer screen... It was lovely. It was this beacon of joy in a quagmire of runny mascara tears and red-eyed facial victims and bad erotica full of unhappy, miserable muffins.
Here's to you, happy submissives, the people who make kink look like fun. You guys are pretty damn great and I really wish that more of you would poke your happy little selves out of your happy bolt holes and grace the Kinkyverse with your presence. It would be a happier place with more of you around.
It wasn't "sexy" and it wasn't even titillating (well, to me anyways. There was a stray weenie in the picture but stray weenies don't do much to get my libido going), but there was just something about this picture that spoke to me... Though I admit, that could have just been the voices. Again.
Anyways. The girl in this picture just looked so happy. Like she'd just had the best time of her life. It's entirely possible that in that moment, she was glowing. Her enjoyment was just that apparent. It was awesome.
And as I sat there (or here) basking in the happy-glow of this chick I wondered why this one image of a happy girl was affecting me so much. I mean, I'm not lacking happiness in my own life- Cookie is just about the most happy-inspiring person ever, my dogs make me laugh all the time (because they're idiots), my small folk are funny, and when I'm not exuding snark from my pores because of some stupid shit I saw on the interwebs I'm generally a pretty happy person.
Eventually it dawned on me: The image was so great because it was such a rare thing to see in the Kinkyverse- A happy submissive.
Really. If you turn off safe search on Google and type in "submissive" you'll get a screen full of women who are crying, mid-scream, or look like they're having the worst possible time ever. Honestly. An office full of Dental patients mid root canal look like they're having more fun than the average submissive in a picture.
And the stories? Geez Louise... Every submissive is a miserable martyr. All basking in just how put-upon they are, how much everything they do sucks balls (and not nice, clean, manscaped balls either), and how one must suffer at every turn to be a submissive. Gah. It's depressing. Really. I feel like I need some Prozac or Abilify or something just to wade through the Kinkyverse on most days.
So this one happy chick, beaming her happiness and enjoyment at me from my computer screen... It was lovely. It was this beacon of joy in a quagmire of runny mascara tears and red-eyed facial victims and bad erotica full of unhappy, miserable muffins.
Here's to you, happy submissives, the people who make kink look like fun. You guys are pretty damn great and I really wish that more of you would poke your happy little selves out of your happy bolt holes and grace the Kinkyverse with your presence. It would be a happier place with more of you around.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
I don't think I've done a "proper" introduction... And no, this isn't one, I'm just bored.
So here goes, for anybody who is interested to know me.
I'm Squeaky. Like Bella it's not my real name, but it is one that I answer to at home (more than my real name actually, which is long and pretentious and I don't much care for at all).
This is me. I'm a goofy-looking son of a gun. But being 36 (Eeek!) will do that to you I suppose... Though to be honest I was goofy looking well before this most recent birthday (Which was in December. I'm a Xmas baby). I also might have some self-esteem issues, other kids can do that to you. But I'm working on that. So far it's going pretty well. 5 out of 7 days I can say that I think I'm kinda cool... But I can't say I look nice. Meh. Such is life.
I was married to a Vanilla guy for close to 10 years and I figured out that I liked being the submissive partner a few years in. That's when I started reading and learning, but the internet back then wasn't what it is now and I was a bit limited in what I could discover. Also a bit limited in real life experience because Vanilla Husband was very, painfully, vanilla.
I have three kids. My eldest is 12 and my twins are 7. They're all boys. I wanted a girl, desperately, but in retrospect I'm glad I didn't have one. I also have three dogs. Hol who has been in a previous post, Skipper who is my Old Guy (he's 13), and Vincent Price. They're all mutts and all came from my local animal shelter. Hol is a saint, Skip is The Best Dog Ever, and Vinnie is a shithead. But he's cute so he gets away with it.
A sunset, as seen from my deck. I know it's not as amusing as a bad Cookie picture, but eh. What can I do? I like the sexings.
Now, I'm trying to make myself sound interesting for anybody who might be bothering to read this, but I fear I'm not. Occasionally I do some neat stuff but mostly I'm a lazy lump of Squeaky who spends entirely too much time on the couch watching Netflix.
My house is almost always a mess (but the bed is always made).
I'm entirely too scatter-brained.
I cannot for the life of me balance a checkbook (Which is why Cookie is the Financial Guy around here, he can).
I'm liberal in my political views- Which can be good or bad, depending on your preferences.
I am a horrible-rotten submissive and not anywhere near subly enough to be called "true."
I get annoyed by rampant stupidity too easily.
I have next to no patience and what little I have gets used up by the kids, dogs, and Cookie.
My favorite place in the whole wide world is the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, up around Marquette. It's so pretty there, even if it is a two mile hike through bear infested woods to reach the prettiness sometimes... (and yes, we did see a bear on the hike to these falls).
And that's me. I like kink, I know a great deal about BDSM (And I'll admit that there's still tons for me to learn), and I have too much time on my hands so I write.
And if you've made it this far- Thanks for reading what I have to say.
I'm Squeaky. Like Bella it's not my real name, but it is one that I answer to at home (more than my real name actually, which is long and pretentious and I don't much care for at all).
This is me. I'm a goofy-looking son of a gun. But being 36 (Eeek!) will do that to you I suppose... Though to be honest I was goofy looking well before this most recent birthday (Which was in December. I'm a Xmas baby). I also might have some self-esteem issues, other kids can do that to you. But I'm working on that. So far it's going pretty well. 5 out of 7 days I can say that I think I'm kinda cool... But I can't say I look nice. Meh. Such is life.
I was married to a Vanilla guy for close to 10 years and I figured out that I liked being the submissive partner a few years in. That's when I started reading and learning, but the internet back then wasn't what it is now and I was a bit limited in what I could discover. Also a bit limited in real life experience because Vanilla Husband was very, painfully, vanilla.
I have three kids. My eldest is 12 and my twins are 7. They're all boys. I wanted a girl, desperately, but in retrospect I'm glad I didn't have one. I also have three dogs. Hol who has been in a previous post, Skipper who is my Old Guy (he's 13), and Vincent Price. They're all mutts and all came from my local animal shelter. Hol is a saint, Skip is The Best Dog Ever, and Vinnie is a shithead. But he's cute so he gets away with it.
This guy is my Cookie. I figured I'd include him here because I talk about him so much (because he's awesome!). I met him a few years after the Ex and I separated on OKC. We had both done those goofy quizzes that say how kinky and experimental and all that sort of thing, so I had some hopes that he might be, well, THAT sort of fun. He was.
He also turned out to be one of the best people I've ever had the honor of knowing, and he's managed to out-best-friend my bestest girlfriend who I've known for over 20 years. We're all sorts of compatible and it rocks. I feel lucky to have found him.
We've been together for 5 years and got married in June 2012, (actually, we eloped which pissed off our families but good).
What else?
I like to read. A lot. I probably have over a thousand books in my home and since discovering that I can buy 5 of them for a dollar at the thrift stores? My addiction may have gotten slightly out of hand.
I write, sometimes well, sometimes poorly. Mostly just to amuse myself.
I'm a really great chef and I very much enjoy baking. Cupcakes are my latest passion. Man, I love cupcakes.
I sew, mostly for myself and Cookie but occasionally I do custom work for others.
My IQ is somewhere in the 140s, which makes me smart but not super special Doogie Howser smart.
I'm an avid scavenger and can spend hours pawing through the racks at thrift stores to find nifty things (If you're in the area, the Salvation Army on 75and Sashabaw has the best stock of any thrift store I've ever gone to).
I can lick my elbow. It's my one good Stupid Person Trick.
I'm a rabid non-conformist (which is conforming in another way if you care to get all philosophical about it).
I also take pictures of anything and everything. Sometimes it annoys friends and relatives, but I got a pass from one friend when her photographer at her wedding sucked and I had some luck getting good shots. Cookie especially gets tired of my Paparazzi ways, and I'd love to show you all the look he tends to give me when he thinks I've taken one photo too many- But it's not flattering and he'd complain and then I wouldn't get the hot sexings.
So instead:
A sunset, as seen from my deck. I know it's not as amusing as a bad Cookie picture, but eh. What can I do? I like the sexings.
Now, I'm trying to make myself sound interesting for anybody who might be bothering to read this, but I fear I'm not. Occasionally I do some neat stuff but mostly I'm a lazy lump of Squeaky who spends entirely too much time on the couch watching Netflix.
My house is almost always a mess (but the bed is always made).
I'm entirely too scatter-brained.
I cannot for the life of me balance a checkbook (Which is why Cookie is the Financial Guy around here, he can).
I'm liberal in my political views- Which can be good or bad, depending on your preferences.
I am a horrible-rotten submissive and not anywhere near subly enough to be called "true."
I get annoyed by rampant stupidity too easily.
I have next to no patience and what little I have gets used up by the kids, dogs, and Cookie.
My favorite place in the whole wide world is the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, up around Marquette. It's so pretty there, even if it is a two mile hike through bear infested woods to reach the prettiness sometimes... (and yes, we did see a bear on the hike to these falls).
And that's me. I like kink, I know a great deal about BDSM (And I'll admit that there's still tons for me to learn), and I have too much time on my hands so I write.
And if you've made it this far- Thanks for reading what I have to say.
Friday, September 13, 2013
How To Take Proper Care Of Your Dom
I usually don't share writings that I've found as I often think that it's just a lazy way of fluffing the numbers in a blog to make it look like there's more content then there actually is- But this time I'm going to make an exception because I think this is an incredible blog and the writer an incredibly insightful person whose words should be heard by as large an audience as possible.
************
Recently I had a new friend ask me, in a frustrated moment, "How do you take care of a Dom?!?" I took a moment an asked him what was wrong. He filled me in that he was in the loving throes of a brand new D/s dynamic...his first of it's kind. We talked for a long while and I gave him my knee jerk reaction. I've been captivated by the topic ever since. I wanted to create a guideline for myself on how to take care of a Dominant. I consider those I submit to to be extraordinary. These are singular men. I want to make sure that they know that I know that I've found something rare and precious in him.
I was struck by the question. I realized right then and there that this was an excellent query, worth more than a moment's consideration. There are many posts on taking proper care of your sub, aftercare, taking feelings into account during play...and I realized there were far fewer on how we, as submissives, should care for our Dominants. Let's consider who we're talking about. Whether we're talking about Male or Female Dominants we are talking about people. Full-fledged every day folk who have bad days, good days, up and down days, and every other kind of day that you have as a submissive...person.
Dominants are expected to be strong. We hope they're strong enough to guide us/ care for us on our journey...such trust there is in a D/s relationship! In power exchange slowly I _get to_ hand over the power I have over myself and my decisions to him. Why? Because he's worth it. Because I trust him enough to give everything I have/am to him. I watch him, please him, love him...what pressure our loving Masters must be under!! I realized that having someone watch me lead by example and hand their body to me for safekeeping...would eventually feel like pressure. The pressure to never fail, never have a bad moment, and often we hold them to superhuman standards. Most days they succeed in being our Supermen. Most days we get to adore them and give ourselves over completely to their (our) most delicious secrets/ desire/ needs...but what about the bad days?
What about the day Daddy comes home from work after getting laid off? Maybe just a writeup or a speeding ticket? Something human...just a bad day. On that day how do we care for them? How do we show them that we care about their feelings too? The first is to remember they are human and have feelings and that BDSM is work. We choose to live in an intense world full of intense dynamics.
Why? it's worth it.
For the Dominant side...they make the decisions. Decisions are hard work. Remember when I said "get to" give away decisions...some days i don't want to decide squat. They put work into scene ideas, often they buy/make/carry all the toys and use you. They also have a vested interest in who you are and your personal well being. It seems like caring for a very rare, very fun, very high maintenance pet. Sometimes they need a breather. I can completely understand why. Has anyone ever owned a large cat? They take hours of care a day. They eat more than you can imagine. They can eat you. I still think they're a lot less maintenance than a full time submissive. We need to, as submissives, be aware of how much work goes into BDSM - emotionally and physically - for both sides. We're not the only ones baring our souls here.
I realized it's so simple and elegant...and Dominants are often easier than vanilla guys to care for. Why? Because most of the time they'll tell you what they want. Simplicity...for the sake of the post I'm speaking of male Dominants. What are they? Men. People. Take care of them in special ways specific to your dynamic...and then do something else. Take into consideration that these men may just want to cuddle and lie on the couch. Do his laundry for him or make a special meal. Cut him some slack to be human. Be there for him...that's what we get to do to thank them for what they do for us. Act like a particularly subbie girlfriend...remember when we fawned over and woo'ed our men?
Be open and honest in your communication. If you don't tell him what you need he will not know intrinsically. You must be willing to be brave and emotionally vulnerable to truly care for your Dominant and to honestly expect him to take care of you. If you are available in every way then you will learn what he needs even on the days when he doesn't feel so Domly. Sometimes a gentle hug or a sweet kiss...no lusty overtones...just a kiss to say "I empathize...I'm sorry you're having a bad day...I'm here for you if you need me for anything."
Allow him to talk to you...and be interested. We get the lion's share of the attention in this dynamic. When he's emotionally drained or just kinda mentally beat up then we should help to recharge him. If he needs to talk allow him the space to vent. Even if it's about you. Sometimes it's as simple as giving him time to play his video games or something fun and mundane like getting out of town with friends. We live in an intense world full of intense interactions and intense protocol...and once in awhile everyone needs a break.
If he's tired/drained/done with this day...don't pressure him to play. How would you feel if your cat died and he came home and anally raped you because he happened to have had a bad day too? I would feel bad about it...on top of which my freaking cat died...worse day. I hate feeling pressured...constricted...micromanaged. If I hate it odds are good he does too.
Don't nag or pressure. Don't act out for attention because you want it when he doesn't have the emotional energy to give it to you. Give him a break. let the man eat a cheeseburger and watch a ballgame without having to put on his superhero cape. If you're good to him and help his heart heal maybe he'll put his cape back on tomorrow. Today, love this human being who is such a rare and precious find.
Live in your moment. Remember that you never get this time back. You get the future. Enjoy it. Enjoy him. Enjoy every bit of intimacy you explore. Remember that if he has a bad day and you treat him with respect, empathy, kindness...he's likely to do the same for you when you let your best friend cut your hair and you end up with a mullet. Bad days happen for us all. If we're really lucky we have someone's support to help us through. This is universal and applies to both sides of the slash.
Recognize he's human.
Recognize that BDSM is intense and it is work.
Be empathetic, kind, and available.
Remember that you're _getting to_ give your decisions away...just like your submission is a gift - as is his Dominance.
Live in this moment and recognize it's a fleeting thing. This moment never comes around again. How you behave will shape your future. Remember that every action has an opposite reaction. Ripples in a pond.
Written by: Svana
https://fetlife.com/users/1328604/posts/1765606
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Recently I had a new friend ask me, in a frustrated moment, "How do you take care of a Dom?!?" I took a moment an asked him what was wrong. He filled me in that he was in the loving throes of a brand new D/s dynamic...his first of it's kind. We talked for a long while and I gave him my knee jerk reaction. I've been captivated by the topic ever since. I wanted to create a guideline for myself on how to take care of a Dominant. I consider those I submit to to be extraordinary. These are singular men. I want to make sure that they know that I know that I've found something rare and precious in him.
I was struck by the question. I realized right then and there that this was an excellent query, worth more than a moment's consideration. There are many posts on taking proper care of your sub, aftercare, taking feelings into account during play...and I realized there were far fewer on how we, as submissives, should care for our Dominants. Let's consider who we're talking about. Whether we're talking about Male or Female Dominants we are talking about people. Full-fledged every day folk who have bad days, good days, up and down days, and every other kind of day that you have as a submissive...person.
Dominants are expected to be strong. We hope they're strong enough to guide us/ care for us on our journey...such trust there is in a D/s relationship! In power exchange slowly I _get to_ hand over the power I have over myself and my decisions to him. Why? Because he's worth it. Because I trust him enough to give everything I have/am to him. I watch him, please him, love him...what pressure our loving Masters must be under!! I realized that having someone watch me lead by example and hand their body to me for safekeeping...would eventually feel like pressure. The pressure to never fail, never have a bad moment, and often we hold them to superhuman standards. Most days they succeed in being our Supermen. Most days we get to adore them and give ourselves over completely to their (our) most delicious secrets/ desire/ needs...but what about the bad days?
What about the day Daddy comes home from work after getting laid off? Maybe just a writeup or a speeding ticket? Something human...just a bad day. On that day how do we care for them? How do we show them that we care about their feelings too? The first is to remember they are human and have feelings and that BDSM is work. We choose to live in an intense world full of intense dynamics.
Why? it's worth it.
For the Dominant side...they make the decisions. Decisions are hard work. Remember when I said "get to" give away decisions...some days i don't want to decide squat. They put work into scene ideas, often they buy/make/carry all the toys and use you. They also have a vested interest in who you are and your personal well being. It seems like caring for a very rare, very fun, very high maintenance pet. Sometimes they need a breather. I can completely understand why. Has anyone ever owned a large cat? They take hours of care a day. They eat more than you can imagine. They can eat you. I still think they're a lot less maintenance than a full time submissive. We need to, as submissives, be aware of how much work goes into BDSM - emotionally and physically - for both sides. We're not the only ones baring our souls here.
I realized it's so simple and elegant...and Dominants are often easier than vanilla guys to care for. Why? Because most of the time they'll tell you what they want. Simplicity...for the sake of the post I'm speaking of male Dominants. What are they? Men. People. Take care of them in special ways specific to your dynamic...and then do something else. Take into consideration that these men may just want to cuddle and lie on the couch. Do his laundry for him or make a special meal. Cut him some slack to be human. Be there for him...that's what we get to do to thank them for what they do for us. Act like a particularly subbie girlfriend...remember when we fawned over and woo'ed our men?
Be open and honest in your communication. If you don't tell him what you need he will not know intrinsically. You must be willing to be brave and emotionally vulnerable to truly care for your Dominant and to honestly expect him to take care of you. If you are available in every way then you will learn what he needs even on the days when he doesn't feel so Domly. Sometimes a gentle hug or a sweet kiss...no lusty overtones...just a kiss to say "I empathize...I'm sorry you're having a bad day...I'm here for you if you need me for anything."
Allow him to talk to you...and be interested. We get the lion's share of the attention in this dynamic. When he's emotionally drained or just kinda mentally beat up then we should help to recharge him. If he needs to talk allow him the space to vent. Even if it's about you. Sometimes it's as simple as giving him time to play his video games or something fun and mundane like getting out of town with friends. We live in an intense world full of intense interactions and intense protocol...and once in awhile everyone needs a break.
If he's tired/drained/done with this day...don't pressure him to play. How would you feel if your cat died and he came home and anally raped you because he happened to have had a bad day too? I would feel bad about it...on top of which my freaking cat died...worse day. I hate feeling pressured...constricted...micromanaged. If I hate it odds are good he does too.
Don't nag or pressure. Don't act out for attention because you want it when he doesn't have the emotional energy to give it to you. Give him a break. let the man eat a cheeseburger and watch a ballgame without having to put on his superhero cape. If you're good to him and help his heart heal maybe he'll put his cape back on tomorrow. Today, love this human being who is such a rare and precious find.
Live in your moment. Remember that you never get this time back. You get the future. Enjoy it. Enjoy him. Enjoy every bit of intimacy you explore. Remember that if he has a bad day and you treat him with respect, empathy, kindness...he's likely to do the same for you when you let your best friend cut your hair and you end up with a mullet. Bad days happen for us all. If we're really lucky we have someone's support to help us through. This is universal and applies to both sides of the slash.
Recognize he's human.
Recognize that BDSM is intense and it is work.
Be empathetic, kind, and available.
Remember that you're _getting to_ give your decisions away...just like your submission is a gift - as is his Dominance.
Live in this moment and recognize it's a fleeting thing. This moment never comes around again. How you behave will shape your future. Remember that every action has an opposite reaction. Ripples in a pond.
Written by: Svana
https://fetlife.com/users/1328604/posts/1765606
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