Dear s-type Person.
I'm a complete stranger to you. I don't know you and I don't care about you. In fact, I care so little for you that if your teeth were on fire I wouldn't piss on your gums to put them out.
I don't know your name.
I don't know what your life is like.
I don't know what responsibilities you have, what your hopes and dreams are, or what value system you use to define the parameters of your actions.
I don't know any of that, and again, I don't care.
Because here's the thing- I see that you have applied an s-type label to yourself and to me that makes you fair game (and easy prey). And I'm really hoping that you know fuck-all about this BDSM thing because the more you know the less likely it'll be that I can take advantage of you.
I'm really hoping you're a straight-off-the-boat newb because when I tell you that I'm your D-type you'll be too ignorant and confused to tell me to get lost, and instead you'll just do whatever I say because I am, after-all the D-type and you're just the s-type, and I can prey on that confusion and insecurity by dangling the words real and true before you:
"A REAL submissive never says no"
"A TRUE submissive does whatever her dominant says"
And you'll fall for it. Hey, odds are good that even if you're not a newb you'll still fall for it. Nobody likes feeling insecure and I can and will use that. I'm a manipulative, self-serving jackass like that... Good thing manipulative, self-serving jackasses are really popular right now thanks to that movie and those books.
So, now that we've got that covered I'll tell you how this is going to go:
I'm now your D-type (because I say so) and you're my s-type.
I'm not going to bother to talk to you about limits, negotiations, compatibility, or communication because those things really put a damper on my game.
And if you bring them up?
I'll shoot you down or give you the silent treatment and you'll learn your lesson.
I'm going to tell you to do stupid, dangerous things, and you're going to do them.
I'm going to tell you that I want to be put on your bank accounts, I want your PIN numbers, I want you to send me risqué (or down-right filthy) pictures and videos... I may or may not share these with friends (for free or for profit). I may or may not use them to blackmail you.
I'll probably share you with my friends (for free or for profit).
I'll definitely have you do shit that would probably get you fired from your job/ get your kids taken away/ cause your entire community to ridicule or abhor you if they ever found out about it.
I might even want them to find out about it.
I have a lot of fun things planed for us.
(and yes, I know your little s-type heart just went pitter-pat because I used the word "us"... Too bad it means squat).
So...
I don't know you, I don't care about you, but you'll submit because if you don't you're not a real & true submissive, and if you question you're not a real & true submissive, and if you listen to the advice of other more experienced submissives or try to learn things on your own it means you doubt me and that's not real & true submissive behavior.
And if I ever actually said any of this you might get a clue... But you might not. But just in case I'll tone it down a bit when I actually do message you- You'll never see me coming.
Sincerely,
Lord High Dommypants.
Master of 23 slaves
Dom of 4 submissives
Owner of 15 pets
Daddy to 3 babygirls
Graduate of UberSupreme Dom Skool
Trainer, mentor, and super-accredited guy.
(You can trust me)
I only wish they were this obvious, but they're not so for Dog's sake GO LEARN A CLUE!
***This refreshed rant brought to you courtesy of the bajillion newbies who have joined Fet in the past few days, the predators who are having a heyday with the influx, and the "OMG! WHAT DO I DOOooooOOOoOo? My new "Dom" says..." posts all over the effing place. Eff that movie. Eff it right in the effing arse with an unlubed cinder bock. GAH!.
Showing posts with label Socializing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Socializing. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Real & True BDSM Frustration
Yesterday, out of curiosity, I trolled FB (of all places) for groups geared towards submission. I found one, labeled as a "help group" or some such thing and decided, "What the hell, Squeaky. We've got nothing better to do (other than playing Farm Saga), let's join this here groupie thinger." So I joined, got approved, it was a closed group, and began reading.
Five minutes in and I just wanted to start banging my head against my keyboard until my skull ruptured and my brains spilled out. The only reason I refrained was because Cookie would be traumatized, and I didn't want to traumatize him. I like Cookie.
It's all very One True Way, Thou Shalt Not Sub Any Way But Thy One Twue Way, Amen-ish.
And I know it's meant to be helpful- I know that... But really, how helpful is it when you're offering newbies only one perspective and everybody in the group parrots your Holy Grail of BDSM?
There's a note about collars taken from someone else's blog, outlining the various "meanings" of collars (including one that I'd never heard of in my 18 years of doing WIITWD) and how EVERYBODY doing D/s believes and agrees with the author because it's Real & True...
No mention of the fact that not everybody uses collars, that some folks only view them as another toy in the box (even deeply committed We-Own-A-Home-Have-Kids-And-Dogs-Together-And-Are-Married people), not all people follow the "stages" of collaring...
There was a note about how to recognize a "Profound Submissive" (even if they didn't know they were a "profound submissive"...
And I read it and thought... OK, maybe that's someone who is extremely submissive in both personality and orientation, but it could just as easily be someone who had a profoundly submissive personality and had no interest in D/s, someone who had such horrible issues enforcing boundaries and standing up for themselves that perhaps therapy might help, or someone who had suffered through years of abuse and had no sense of self left... It just seemed rather shady to label that person and treat them like a submissive when that might not be who they are or how they want to be treated.
There were notes on "Rules for Submissives" (My favorite was "Be Humble" followed closely by "Respect and obey your top and expect punishment if you don't." Never mind that not all dynamics include punishment).
A Note on how to be a real Dom (Including rules for All Doms).
Something about etiquette to observe during a munch- A MUNCH! About the most Vanilla kinky gathering one can go to where there is no "etiquette" because it's in a public, vanilla space and Dog forbid we squick the 'Nillas!
*************************sigh*
So I doubt I'll last there very long. I won't quit- Someone has to pipe up and say "Hey, the only right way to do it is the way that works for you and your partner/s..." and I have the feeling that will go over like a fart in church.
Until then, it just reminds me why I write this bloggy thing. So there's another perspective available for the folks who feel that they have to shoe-horn themselves into someone else's idea of Real & True BDSM and end up being frustrated, unfulfilled, and possibly harmed because that R&T idea isn't a good fit for them.
Five minutes in and I just wanted to start banging my head against my keyboard until my skull ruptured and my brains spilled out. The only reason I refrained was because Cookie would be traumatized, and I didn't want to traumatize him. I like Cookie.
It's all very One True Way, Thou Shalt Not Sub Any Way But Thy One Twue Way, Amen-ish.
And I know it's meant to be helpful- I know that... But really, how helpful is it when you're offering newbies only one perspective and everybody in the group parrots your Holy Grail of BDSM?
There's a note about collars taken from someone else's blog, outlining the various "meanings" of collars (including one that I'd never heard of in my 18 years of doing WIITWD) and how EVERYBODY doing D/s believes and agrees with the author because it's Real & True...
No mention of the fact that not everybody uses collars, that some folks only view them as another toy in the box (even deeply committed We-Own-A-Home-Have-Kids-And-Dogs-Together-And-Are-Married people), not all people follow the "stages" of collaring...
There was a note about how to recognize a "Profound Submissive" (even if they didn't know they were a "profound submissive"...
And I read it and thought... OK, maybe that's someone who is extremely submissive in both personality and orientation, but it could just as easily be someone who had a profoundly submissive personality and had no interest in D/s, someone who had such horrible issues enforcing boundaries and standing up for themselves that perhaps therapy might help, or someone who had suffered through years of abuse and had no sense of self left... It just seemed rather shady to label that person and treat them like a submissive when that might not be who they are or how they want to be treated.
There were notes on "Rules for Submissives" (My favorite was "Be Humble" followed closely by "Respect and obey your top and expect punishment if you don't." Never mind that not all dynamics include punishment).
A Note on how to be a real Dom (Including rules for All Doms).
Something about etiquette to observe during a munch- A MUNCH! About the most Vanilla kinky gathering one can go to where there is no "etiquette" because it's in a public, vanilla space and Dog forbid we squick the 'Nillas!
*************************sigh*
So I doubt I'll last there very long. I won't quit- Someone has to pipe up and say "Hey, the only right way to do it is the way that works for you and your partner/s..." and I have the feeling that will go over like a fart in church.
Until then, it just reminds me why I write this bloggy thing. So there's another perspective available for the folks who feel that they have to shoe-horn themselves into someone else's idea of Real & True BDSM and end up being frustrated, unfulfilled, and possibly harmed because that R&T idea isn't a good fit for them.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Your Protocol & The Kinkyverse
I just read an interesting thread about people imposing their relationship protocol on folks not involved in that relationship.
It was interesting for a few reasons-
First was it brought to mind an argument Cookie had with some random s-type who insisted rather vehemently that by using a title on him (despite his polite request that she not) she was being respectful and he should like it (he didn't).
The second reason was that it made me think about relationship protocol in public places like munches or dungeons, or any other location kinky folks may gather.
Finally, it made me think about relationship protocol and how it affects other people.
Cookie and I don't use protocol, at all. We don't have any rules about how I'm supposed to address him, what I'm supposed to do when we're around other kinky folk, how I'm supposed to address other kinky folks... Nothing. I guess it's not our cup of tea. Or mine at least. If we ever actually get off our lazy butts and make it out to anything fancier than a munch he might want that to change- But until then, zip, zilch, zero (also, if you're on Kongregate, Zilch is an amusing dice game. I might be slightly addicted).
Anyways, I suppose that given our lack of protocol there might be something I'm missing here, but while I understand protocol that affects just the people in the relationship- I really don't get rules that apply to people outside the relationship.
Example: The oft encountered "If you want to message me, you must message my Dominant/Owner/Master/Whatnot first."
OK, cool- You guys have that rule... But why do I have to obey it? I'm not part of your relationship, I have not consented to abide by any rules you've set out for me, and honestly... If I want to say, "Hey, that post you wrote in X group was awesome, it made me think," I don't see why I should have to jump through hoops to do that.
Example: Third Person Speak "This slave wants to be friends with you. Will you accept a friend request from this slave? This slave would be thrilled if you wanted to be this slave's friend..."
Um... Ow.
My brain bled a little bit writing that out. And hey, once again- Cool that you want to do third person speak in your relationship... But is it really necessary to do that to people outside your relationship who might not like that kind of thing?
Example: Seriously personal dynamic protocol "Daddy weawy weawy wuvs when I use my wittle girl voice an' says I haves ta use it aww da time when he's awound..."
No. Please tell me that you did not just baby talk me (and yes, this has happened to me. I squicked so hard). It's cool that you all enjoy that in your relationship. Awesome for you. For me? You talking taking this bit of relationship protocol public and using it on me makes me incredibly uncomfortable. It makes me never ever ever want to attend another munch where you might be. It wuins my night.
Fuck.
Your D-type has a rule that you must address other D-types with a title?
What if that other D-type thinks that titles are something intimate and doesn't want a complete stranger using what amounts to a term of endearment in his relationship? Would you want a complete stranger calling you sugar bum? No? What if they insisted? You'd probably get upset and frustrated wouldn't you? So think about how that poor person you've just imposed your protocol on feels.
Ok, point of this being- Protocol can be a great thing in a relationship. In your relationship. But I think that there's a line you don't cross and that line happens when you apply your relationship's protocol to anybody outside your relationship without their consent.
Quite a few people don't enjoy being subjected to the rules of another person's relationship. They don't like being told "You must put up with this because my D-type says so." It rubs them the wrong way. An easy fix is to explain to the other person what your protocol is and ask them if it's OK if you follow that protocol when interacting with them. Discuss a Plan B before hand with your D-type in case that person does not want to play along by your relationship's rules.
"My protocol is to address D-types with a title/ my D-type likes me to employ a certain mannerism of speech/ my D-type wants me to behave in this particular way, is that OK with you?" gives the person you're asking a choice. It allows them the opportunity to inform you of their preferences and for you to respond in a way that will avoid negative feelings if they don't like (or are squicked by) your personal protocol.
Gah. As always: YMMV. IMHO only.
Guess I'm just thinking about this and working out some nervous energy because Cookie mentioned something about becoming more involved with the local folks. Also: Totally being passive-aggressive with the baby talk thing. I'm still all yucked out about that.
*squick*
It was interesting for a few reasons-
First was it brought to mind an argument Cookie had with some random s-type who insisted rather vehemently that by using a title on him (despite his polite request that she not) she was being respectful and he should like it (he didn't).
The second reason was that it made me think about relationship protocol in public places like munches or dungeons, or any other location kinky folks may gather.
Finally, it made me think about relationship protocol and how it affects other people.
Cookie and I don't use protocol, at all. We don't have any rules about how I'm supposed to address him, what I'm supposed to do when we're around other kinky folk, how I'm supposed to address other kinky folks... Nothing. I guess it's not our cup of tea. Or mine at least. If we ever actually get off our lazy butts and make it out to anything fancier than a munch he might want that to change- But until then, zip, zilch, zero (also, if you're on Kongregate, Zilch is an amusing dice game. I might be slightly addicted).
Anyways, I suppose that given our lack of protocol there might be something I'm missing here, but while I understand protocol that affects just the people in the relationship- I really don't get rules that apply to people outside the relationship.
Example: The oft encountered "If you want to message me, you must message my Dominant/Owner/Master/Whatnot first."
OK, cool- You guys have that rule... But why do I have to obey it? I'm not part of your relationship, I have not consented to abide by any rules you've set out for me, and honestly... If I want to say, "Hey, that post you wrote in X group was awesome, it made me think," I don't see why I should have to jump through hoops to do that.
Example: Third Person Speak "This slave wants to be friends with you. Will you accept a friend request from this slave? This slave would be thrilled if you wanted to be this slave's friend..."
Um... Ow.
My brain bled a little bit writing that out. And hey, once again- Cool that you want to do third person speak in your relationship... But is it really necessary to do that to people outside your relationship who might not like that kind of thing?
Example: Seriously personal dynamic protocol "Daddy weawy weawy wuvs when I use my wittle girl voice an' says I haves ta use it aww da time when he's awound..."
No. Please tell me that you did not just baby talk me (and yes, this has happened to me. I squicked so hard). It's cool that you all enjoy that in your relationship. Awesome for you. For me? You talking taking this bit of relationship protocol public and using it on me makes me incredibly uncomfortable. It makes me never ever ever want to attend another munch where you might be. It wuins my night.
Fuck.
Your D-type has a rule that you must address other D-types with a title?
What if that other D-type thinks that titles are something intimate and doesn't want a complete stranger using what amounts to a term of endearment in his relationship? Would you want a complete stranger calling you sugar bum? No? What if they insisted? You'd probably get upset and frustrated wouldn't you? So think about how that poor person you've just imposed your protocol on feels.
Ok, point of this being- Protocol can be a great thing in a relationship. In your relationship. But I think that there's a line you don't cross and that line happens when you apply your relationship's protocol to anybody outside your relationship without their consent.
Quite a few people don't enjoy being subjected to the rules of another person's relationship. They don't like being told "You must put up with this because my D-type says so." It rubs them the wrong way. An easy fix is to explain to the other person what your protocol is and ask them if it's OK if you follow that protocol when interacting with them. Discuss a Plan B before hand with your D-type in case that person does not want to play along by your relationship's rules.
"My protocol is to address D-types with a title/ my D-type likes me to employ a certain mannerism of speech/ my D-type wants me to behave in this particular way, is that OK with you?" gives the person you're asking a choice. It allows them the opportunity to inform you of their preferences and for you to respond in a way that will avoid negative feelings if they don't like (or are squicked by) your personal protocol.
Gah. As always: YMMV. IMHO only.
Guess I'm just thinking about this and working out some nervous energy because Cookie mentioned something about becoming more involved with the local folks. Also: Totally being passive-aggressive with the baby talk thing. I'm still all yucked out about that.
*squick*
Sunday, July 13, 2014
The Dominant Didn't Call Me Back...
"I met a new Dom whom I thought was "the one". I sucked his cock the first and second nights we went out. Then, he stopped calling/texting. I was just being my naturally submissive self. Is being too compliant too soon a turn-off to Doms?"
Dear Question Asker,
Remember that vanilla guy you dated in high school? The one who said you'd do it if you loved him? The one who said that you were "The One" and you guys would be together forever and ever and yes, you should suck his cock? The one you were totally stoked about, went on a few dates with, fooled around with, and then he never called you back? The player?
Yeah. This is that same guy with a fancy title that he's given himself.
Dominants are not paragons of virtue held to a higher standard than mere mortal... Er, vanilla men. They're men.
Some of them are great guys.
And some of them will say anything it takes to get in your pants and then it's "Wham, Bam, Thank you ma'am" and you never hear from them again.
Seems you've found yourself one of those guys, so no- It probably had nothing to do with you being "too compliant too soon" and everything to do with him being a lying cad who just wanted to get his rocks off.
This really is high school all over again. And since you already survived that, you should be able to survive this if you remember that there's nothing magical that happens when a man takes on a title, he's still the same guy he was before that happened, and there's no rule book holding dominants to some higher standard... They're only guys who are looking for different things who may or may not be honest with you.
If you want to find your One, it might be wise to take enough time getting to know him so when he says "I think you're The One" you know (as much as you can know) that he means it and it's not just some line he's feeding you.
Dear Question Asker,
Remember that vanilla guy you dated in high school? The one who said you'd do it if you loved him? The one who said that you were "The One" and you guys would be together forever and ever and yes, you should suck his cock? The one you were totally stoked about, went on a few dates with, fooled around with, and then he never called you back? The player?
Yeah. This is that same guy with a fancy title that he's given himself.
Dominants are not paragons of virtue held to a higher standard than mere mortal... Er, vanilla men. They're men.
Some of them are great guys.
And some of them will say anything it takes to get in your pants and then it's "Wham, Bam, Thank you ma'am" and you never hear from them again.
Seems you've found yourself one of those guys, so no- It probably had nothing to do with you being "too compliant too soon" and everything to do with him being a lying cad who just wanted to get his rocks off.
This really is high school all over again. And since you already survived that, you should be able to survive this if you remember that there's nothing magical that happens when a man takes on a title, he's still the same guy he was before that happened, and there's no rule book holding dominants to some higher standard... They're only guys who are looking for different things who may or may not be honest with you.
If you want to find your One, it might be wise to take enough time getting to know him so when he says "I think you're The One" you know (as much as you can know) that he means it and it's not just some line he's feeding you.
Even a submissive could...
In a recent thread on Fet about the best way for a D-type to approach a prospective partner (which was actually a pretty good thread and I'll include a link at the bottom) this little gem popped up:
"They just assumed that I must be a sub, most likely because I'm female, and started giving me orders. Even a submissive would see that behavior as rude."
And the Submissive Stereotype strikes again.
Thankfully, another member of that particular group took exception to that last sentence and responded to point out how insulting and condescending it was, which saved me from a potential ban hammering- But I've been thinking about it for a few days and wondering why it is that some folks seem to think we're incapable of recognizing what is and is not acceptable social behavior from our peers.
I mean most of us operate in the real world (AKA Meat Space). We walk on its streets, go to work there, visit friends and family, attend social gatherings... We know how to behave and what behavior is Ok from other people. A great many of us learn about that stuff from the time we're little and our folks start saying things like "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." We all know how to treat other people and how other people should treat us.
So why does this belief exist that submissives are so clueless that it would take a rather stunning display of ill manners to "get it"?
And I thought and I thought and then I felt like an idiot because the answer was so blatantly obvious and staring me in the face all along...
You just have to look at K&P on Fet to see where this belief comes from.
Or you just have to click on any picture of a pretty submissive female with a body that masses generally find attractive to see it- The rudeness, the lack of manners, the failure to abide by even the laxest social mores... And the positive responses from the pictured submissive that these ill words garner, or the lack of response to the ill words. And the lack of D-types standing up to inform the inept ones that, no, this isn't the way to treat someone who hasn't consented to that behavior.
The actions, or lack of action, of some submissives and dominants (not all, a good many of us don't have any problem pointing out when a D-type is using his title for an excuse to be a jackass) contribute to the stereotype. We as a group have created this paradigm, by not saying to the jackasses, "If you wouldn't say that to your best friend's sister, you shouldn't be saying it to me." (or something along those lines)
Too many of us don't stand up for ourselves or each other, and when we do we get an earful (or screen full as the case may be) of how "untrue" we are, because (obviously) submissives are supposed to put up with any filth that some random stranger decides to spew in their general direction. Submissives like that shit. And dominants can say whatever the hell they want to any random person because DOMINANT.
Sigh.
It's a nasty cycle that too many people contribute to and too few try to stop- More of us (on BOTH sides of the slash) could do something about it if we made an effort.
Even a submissive can see that.
"They just assumed that I must be a sub, most likely because I'm female, and started giving me orders. Even a submissive would see that behavior as rude."
And the Submissive Stereotype strikes again.
Thankfully, another member of that particular group took exception to that last sentence and responded to point out how insulting and condescending it was, which saved me from a potential ban hammering- But I've been thinking about it for a few days and wondering why it is that some folks seem to think we're incapable of recognizing what is and is not acceptable social behavior from our peers.
I mean most of us operate in the real world (AKA Meat Space). We walk on its streets, go to work there, visit friends and family, attend social gatherings... We know how to behave and what behavior is Ok from other people. A great many of us learn about that stuff from the time we're little and our folks start saying things like "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." We all know how to treat other people and how other people should treat us.
So why does this belief exist that submissives are so clueless that it would take a rather stunning display of ill manners to "get it"?
And I thought and I thought and then I felt like an idiot because the answer was so blatantly obvious and staring me in the face all along...
You just have to look at K&P on Fet to see where this belief comes from.
Or you just have to click on any picture of a pretty submissive female with a body that masses generally find attractive to see it- The rudeness, the lack of manners, the failure to abide by even the laxest social mores... And the positive responses from the pictured submissive that these ill words garner, or the lack of response to the ill words. And the lack of D-types standing up to inform the inept ones that, no, this isn't the way to treat someone who hasn't consented to that behavior.
The actions, or lack of action, of some submissives and dominants (not all, a good many of us don't have any problem pointing out when a D-type is using his title for an excuse to be a jackass) contribute to the stereotype. We as a group have created this paradigm, by not saying to the jackasses, "If you wouldn't say that to your best friend's sister, you shouldn't be saying it to me." (or something along those lines)
Too many of us don't stand up for ourselves or each other, and when we do we get an earful (or screen full as the case may be) of how "untrue" we are, because (obviously) submissives are supposed to put up with any filth that some random stranger decides to spew in their general direction. Submissives like that shit. And dominants can say whatever the hell they want to any random person because DOMINANT.
Sigh.
It's a nasty cycle that too many people contribute to and too few try to stop- More of us (on BOTH sides of the slash) could do something about it if we made an effort.
Even a submissive can see that.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Munch Madness.
Is March Madness still a thing?
I remember hearing about it all the time when I had cable (it has something to do with college hoops, right?) but since I don't have cable any more I'm a bit out of the loop. Anyways, I've been hearing a lot about Munches on the interwebs lately and seeing that it's March I thought I'd take a crack at being witty. Ha ha!
Yeah...
Anyways, munches.
One of the most common forms of advise given to newbies who are looking to meet real life people is to attend a local munch. It's sound advice, a munch is usually a pretty low-stress, laid-back event where you can indeed meet other real life kinksters to make new friends.
But often when the advice is offered "Go to a munch" is all that's offered, and that's a bit lacking for the newbies who may not have ever heard about a munch before. So...
What is a Munch?
A munch is an event held for local kinksters at a vanilla venue, usually a diner or restaurant. Some munches are held in locations with a private room so the attendees can have some privacy, others are held in the main dining area.
What happens at a Munch?
People socialize.
Because a munch is held in a vanilla venue there is no play or overt kinky activity.
At muches where the event is held in a private room or area people may feel more comfortable expressing their dynamics, you might hear s-types use titles for their partners that they may not use if seated with the restaurant's vanilla patrons.
There might be a topic of conversation; some munch leaders like to introduce specific things for the group to discuss.
Odds are good that a few folks will eat dinner.
How do people act at a Munch?
They act like people getting together for dinner and conversation.
Munches are a No-Protocol event because of their location. Couples may use their own public protocol if they have any, but new people and people attending solo are not expected to act in a certain kinky way: S-types do not have to use titles for D-types, D-types do not boss around random submissives.
How people act at a munch is very similar to how they'd act if they were going out with vanilla friends.
What should I wear to a Munch?
Most munches have a vanilla dress code because they're held at vanilla venues, so you'd wear the same outfit you'd pick to go out to eat with your Grandma or your vanilla best friend at that establishment.
What doesn't happen at a Munch?
Overtly kinky activity.
Nobody at a munch is going to break out a flogger and start beating someone with it. The s-types are not going to be groveling on the floor, nobody is going to kneel to anybody else, in short- Nothing will happen that might make the vanilla folks nervous if they saw it.
Kinky activity may happen later in the evening, but if that sort of play is planned it will be at a kink-friendly location or perhaps someone's home. You are not obligated to attend unless you want to. Sometimes those vents are invitation only, or only include munch attendees who have been to X amount of munches (because the group may want to get to know you before including you in play events).
How do I find a munch?
If you're on Fetlife click: Places
Find your state (for me that's Michigan)
That will open a page with events in your state, groups related to your state, and a listing of cities in your state.
When I click on my city I get a listing for groups related to my city and the pages for a few local munches.
Alternatively, you can use the MALL Directory to see what events are listed in your area:
http://findamunch.com/
I haven't used it, but it seems fairly easy to navigate from the look I just had.
How do I know what Munch is right for me?
There are a few different kinds of munches so it may take some exploring to find the group that suits you best.
In cities large enough to support multiple munches there may be a TNG Munch (generally for folks under 35), a Submissive's or Dominant's Only Munch, a Munch for the older generations, a General Munch... Group Specific Munches are great because they can focus more on the things that interest that group, or they can provide you with an opportunity to meet people who share your interests.
What if I'm shy?
I'll let you in on a little secret- Despite my verbosity on here and on Fet, I'm painfully shy. Social Anxiety is something I'm very familiar with. So walking into a much alone (Cookie was working) for the first time was pretty difficult. So I do have some helpful tips for dealing with shyness:
Get to know your much group/s online first. Introduce yourself, get involved in conversations, and if you're really concerned about not knowing anybody send the Munch Leader a message. You won't be the first person to do this, and if your munch leader is aware that you're new and nervous they can make sure that other members know to be especially friendly to the new person. They want you to have a good time so that you'll come back.
Something else to seriously consider- All of the people at the munch were new there at some point, too. They all know what it's like to be the person who walks into a room full of strangers so most (if not all) of them are going to make a point to introduce themselves to you and put you at ease. Many of them will try to include you in their conversations. Of course you'll need to make an effort as well, but if you can't think of something to say, smiling and nodding to show you're paying attention and you are involved works wonders.
I'm a submissive and I'm worried about some random D-type getting bossy...
I'm not going to lie, random D-types will show up at munches looking for "fresh meat" or to "score." It happens.
When it does, it's perfectly OK to say, "I'm not interested" and move on. If the random D-type doesn't take that rather obvious hint to get lost and keeps bothering you, most of the people in the room will respond if you tell them you need help ditching a D-type who isn't getting the message.
And honestly, that's all some random D-type can do at a munch- Be a pest. It might be annoying, but it's not really something to be worried about. They can't actually make you do anything that you don't want to do.
I'm a D-type, what should I expect?
The same thing your submissive counterpart can expect- Good food, good conversation, and hopefully some new friends. If all goes well you'll be treated with the same common courtesy that every human being deserves.
Will I meet my One True Love at a Munch?
Anything is possible.
People have met their significant other at a munch, but munches are less "Meat Market" and more "Meet Market". It is possible to meet the D or s-type of your dreams at a munch, but generally it takes time (much like anywhere else), and if you're looking to hook-up or have a nice little one night stand? That can also happen, but it's not something I would bank on.
I remember hearing about it all the time when I had cable (it has something to do with college hoops, right?) but since I don't have cable any more I'm a bit out of the loop. Anyways, I've been hearing a lot about Munches on the interwebs lately and seeing that it's March I thought I'd take a crack at being witty. Ha ha!
Yeah...
Anyways, munches.
One of the most common forms of advise given to newbies who are looking to meet real life people is to attend a local munch. It's sound advice, a munch is usually a pretty low-stress, laid-back event where you can indeed meet other real life kinksters to make new friends.
But often when the advice is offered "Go to a munch" is all that's offered, and that's a bit lacking for the newbies who may not have ever heard about a munch before. So...
What is a Munch?
A munch is an event held for local kinksters at a vanilla venue, usually a diner or restaurant. Some munches are held in locations with a private room so the attendees can have some privacy, others are held in the main dining area.
What happens at a Munch?
People socialize.
Because a munch is held in a vanilla venue there is no play or overt kinky activity.
At muches where the event is held in a private room or area people may feel more comfortable expressing their dynamics, you might hear s-types use titles for their partners that they may not use if seated with the restaurant's vanilla patrons.
There might be a topic of conversation; some munch leaders like to introduce specific things for the group to discuss.
Odds are good that a few folks will eat dinner.
How do people act at a Munch?
They act like people getting together for dinner and conversation.
Munches are a No-Protocol event because of their location. Couples may use their own public protocol if they have any, but new people and people attending solo are not expected to act in a certain kinky way: S-types do not have to use titles for D-types, D-types do not boss around random submissives.
How people act at a munch is very similar to how they'd act if they were going out with vanilla friends.
What should I wear to a Munch?
Most munches have a vanilla dress code because they're held at vanilla venues, so you'd wear the same outfit you'd pick to go out to eat with your Grandma or your vanilla best friend at that establishment.
What doesn't happen at a Munch?
Overtly kinky activity.
Nobody at a munch is going to break out a flogger and start beating someone with it. The s-types are not going to be groveling on the floor, nobody is going to kneel to anybody else, in short- Nothing will happen that might make the vanilla folks nervous if they saw it.
Kinky activity may happen later in the evening, but if that sort of play is planned it will be at a kink-friendly location or perhaps someone's home. You are not obligated to attend unless you want to. Sometimes those vents are invitation only, or only include munch attendees who have been to X amount of munches (because the group may want to get to know you before including you in play events).
How do I find a munch?
If you're on Fetlife click: Places
Find your state (for me that's Michigan)
That will open a page with events in your state, groups related to your state, and a listing of cities in your state.
When I click on my city I get a listing for groups related to my city and the pages for a few local munches.
Alternatively, you can use the MALL Directory to see what events are listed in your area:
http://findamunch.com/
I haven't used it, but it seems fairly easy to navigate from the look I just had.
How do I know what Munch is right for me?
There are a few different kinds of munches so it may take some exploring to find the group that suits you best.
In cities large enough to support multiple munches there may be a TNG Munch (generally for folks under 35), a Submissive's or Dominant's Only Munch, a Munch for the older generations, a General Munch... Group Specific Munches are great because they can focus more on the things that interest that group, or they can provide you with an opportunity to meet people who share your interests.
What if I'm shy?
I'll let you in on a little secret- Despite my verbosity on here and on Fet, I'm painfully shy. Social Anxiety is something I'm very familiar with. So walking into a much alone (Cookie was working) for the first time was pretty difficult. So I do have some helpful tips for dealing with shyness:
Get to know your much group/s online first. Introduce yourself, get involved in conversations, and if you're really concerned about not knowing anybody send the Munch Leader a message. You won't be the first person to do this, and if your munch leader is aware that you're new and nervous they can make sure that other members know to be especially friendly to the new person. They want you to have a good time so that you'll come back.
Something else to seriously consider- All of the people at the munch were new there at some point, too. They all know what it's like to be the person who walks into a room full of strangers so most (if not all) of them are going to make a point to introduce themselves to you and put you at ease. Many of them will try to include you in their conversations. Of course you'll need to make an effort as well, but if you can't think of something to say, smiling and nodding to show you're paying attention and you are involved works wonders.
I'm a submissive and I'm worried about some random D-type getting bossy...
I'm not going to lie, random D-types will show up at munches looking for "fresh meat" or to "score." It happens.
When it does, it's perfectly OK to say, "I'm not interested" and move on. If the random D-type doesn't take that rather obvious hint to get lost and keeps bothering you, most of the people in the room will respond if you tell them you need help ditching a D-type who isn't getting the message.
And honestly, that's all some random D-type can do at a munch- Be a pest. It might be annoying, but it's not really something to be worried about. They can't actually make you do anything that you don't want to do.
I'm a D-type, what should I expect?
The same thing your submissive counterpart can expect- Good food, good conversation, and hopefully some new friends. If all goes well you'll be treated with the same common courtesy that every human being deserves.
Will I meet my One True Love at a Munch?
Anything is possible.
People have met their significant other at a munch, but munches are less "Meat Market" and more "Meet Market". It is possible to meet the D or s-type of your dreams at a munch, but generally it takes time (much like anywhere else), and if you're looking to hook-up or have a nice little one night stand? That can also happen, but it's not something I would bank on.
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