Apparently I bought this book ages ago and then promptly forgot about it, until the other day when I went off to do laundry and forgot to bring a meatspace book and had to resort to my Google book shelf for amusement.
Now, having finally read it, what can I say?
"Ugh" sums it up quite nicely.
It starts of with a little "quiz":
What's your BDSM IQ? True or False:
Submissive women have low self images.
Dominant women grew up in abusive households.
BDSM play is controlled by the dominant partner.
Dominant partners abuse and hit their submissive partner.
There's something "off" about people who enjoy BDSM.
After slogging through a few pages of assorted blather which sounds like something that should be inside the dust jacket on a regular meatspace book, you get to the answers, which is where my twitchy Something Stinks nose starts happening and my brain can't help but insert annoyed, red thoughts..
Submissive women have low self images.
False- The reverse is actually the case.
True AND false. Submissive women are just women and have the same issues as every other women on the planet. Some of us have a great deal of self confidence and some of us struggle with our self image.
Dominant women grew up in abusive households.
False- Their childhood's are just like everyone else's, some good, some bad.
Wait, I thought that submissives were the ones who had horrid childhoods. You've got your stereotypes mixed up there lady.
BDSM play is controlled by the dominant partner.
False- Nope, the submissive partner is actually in charge.
Nope. In that context, both partners are equally "in charge" as they both have equal abilities to end a scene. Beyond that, a bottom who is playing with a service top might be in charge of what happens, but submissive who is playing with her dominant (where an Authority Transfer dynamic has been established and agreed upon) may have little to no input in what happens during play.
Dominant partners abuse and hit their submissive partner.
False- Not at all. It's about causing intense sensation leading to pleasure.
Ugh. Some D-types do hit their partners (S&M) but it is not abuse. Some D/s partners have no interest in "intense sensations". Regardless of that, abuse is not something that happens in a healthy, consensual dynamic. (dunno why the water was muddied with any mention of "hitting" in the first place, not all abuse is physical after all)
There's something "off" about people who enjoy BDSM.
False- Normal people practice BDSM, people like your neighbor, pastor, or cousin.
"Normal" is only a setting on your washing machine.
So there was that bit of half truths (half falses?). Meh.
Next came a "helpful" glossary of common BDSM terms (The BDSM Dictionary for The Curious Woman)...
It was about as helpful as a swift kick to the head when you have a migraine headache as it consisted of very few words to define and the author's interpretation of what those terms meant. I may or may not have rolled my eyes so hard that one of them popped out of my noggin and was ingested by the dog.
Also Included in This Section: The lazy author's trick to writing less and filling empty spaces- Random quotes from random people. Not so bad in a long book, kind of a HUGE waste of space in something that has under 60 pages.
I slogged through some more blah blah blah and hit upon this gem, "A scenario in which a submissive wife is forced to expose her pussy, bottom, or breasts briefly (flashing) to a passing strange is perfectly acceptable..."
No! No it is not! It does not matter if the Dom and sub BOTH consent to this action because guess who hasn't consented? The stranger who is being included in your kink without his or her consent! THAT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE. And you know what's going to happen if that stranger finds it as unacceptable as most informed people in the kink community do? You're going to get slapped with a public indecency charge. Oooo, so kinky and fun...
More lazy "writing" (aka filler), some kinda crappy artwork, a few more oddly defined terms and I hit upon another gem:
"As I mentioned above there are two roles in BDSM- Dominant and submissive."
So... You've been doing this how long and you're only aware of two roles in BDSM? Because I've been doing this for close to 20 years and I can think of quite a few more than two.
Master
Slave
Owner
Pet
Pony
Daddy
Mommy
Little/babygirl
Top
Bottom
Brat
Primal
Switch
... Only 2? Geez. Fet's drop down menu lists 62 options for roles in BDSM, and that's not all of them in use, just the more popular ones.
"...It isn't about being friends..."
You know nothing, John Snow.
Cookie is my best friend. I wouldn't be involved with anybody in a BDSM dynamic without them being a genuine friend. It may not be about friendship FOR YOU, but for quite a few of us, IT IS.
Then, more filler in the form of a BDSM checklist (not very comprehensive and much, much, much better ones are available for free all over the internet).
Then, how to be a "good" submissive, which is only going to work out well if your dominant partner has an interest in you behaving in the way the author describes (mine does not and he laughed when I read those ideas to him).
An injunction that even if you don't like something you should do it anyways because submissive.
Admonishments about safety, with "safe calls" and giving a potential partner's name to a friend being Super Dooper Foolproof Safe (It's NOT!)
And you know what?
I give up.
I didn't pay much for this "guide" (and thank Dog for that), and despite the fact that its pretty cheap I'd have to say that the free info you can get from Novices & Newbies on Fetlife is about a million times better (at a very conservative estimate).
And it's not that the book is so horrible (though plenty of it is horrible), it's just that it's so incredibly dumbed down or blatantly innacurate or painfully One True Wayish that the information in it isn't worth paying for when you can get better, more accurate information online (again, for FREE).
So, save your cash and give this "guide" a pass.
Showing posts with label WTF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label WTF. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Online BDSM Quizzes Might Be Full Of Shit? Say It Ain't So!
I love filling out online quizzes.
"Who were you in a past life?"
"What color is your aura?"
"What dog breed are you?"
Online quizzes are amusing, a good way to waste five minutes, and it's fun to share the results with friends (I'm a Doberman version of Socrates with a yellow aura, BTW. Whatever that means).
But, if there's one type of quiz I cannot stand, it's the ubiquitous BDSM quiz.
"Are you a Dom, Sub, or Switch?"
"How kinky are you?"
Would you make a "good" whatever?"
Some people do them (probably because of the time wasting and amusement factors), but there are a few who do them and take the results as holy gospel...
And the problem with these quizzes? They're mostly full of it ("it" being the steaming piles of excrement created by bovine animals), and anybody who has half a clue will agree... Though oddly, I've never seen anybody state why these quizzes should be taken with a grain of salt.
So! Here I am with a quiz I conveniently found online (all spelling and grammar errors are the author's) to illustrate why all these BDSM quizzes are pretty much worthless.
The "Are You A Good Submissive" Quiz
"Hi! And welcome to my Would You Be a Good Submissive Test. I'll be using advanced logic and knowledge to determine your true nature. Just be honest in your answers as the questions will be designed to reveal your true mental state."
1. When in a group of people deciding what to do, are you the:
Leader, no question
Discuss options and then follow
Quiet, following the others
All right. What does deciding what activity you and a group of pals want to engage in have to do with submission? Last time I checked I wasn't submitting to my friends. We don't have that sort of relationship. Sometimes I go along with what's decided, sometimes I decide... And neither of those decisions make me submissive or dominant.
(I picked option 2)
2. How would you classify yourself in terms of trying new things?
I'll try just about anything once
I might try something new
I am cautious about trying new things
I'm at a loss as to what this question says about submission. Are you submissive if you're "up for anything" or are you submissive if you're timid and reluctant to try new things? Me? I like new experiences so I'll try a lot of new things just to learn how I feel about them... But that has nothing to do with how I orient in a relationship.
(I picked option 1)
3. Which of the following classifies you?
Single
Married
Divorced
Widow
Huh? What does relationship status have to do with submitting? I'm guessing the author couldn't think of anything better to ask.
(I picked option 2, because I am)
4. At what age did you become sexually active?
10 to 14
15 to 20
21 to 26
27 and above
Someone please tell me what this has to do with being a good submissive. Please. Anybody?
(I picked option 2, and no- I wasn't jail bait)
5. How many committed relationships have you been in?
0 to 1
2 to 4
5 to 7
8 or more
So does being in a lot of relationships make you a good submissive, or does being in fewer relationships make you a good submissive? I'm missing the logic of this question (if it even exists).
(Option 2. I've had 3 serious, long term relationships)
6. How long does your typical relationship last in months?
1 to 3 months
4 to 7 months
8 to 12 months
13 months or more
Once more for the nose bleed seats... What does this have to do with how a person orients in their relationship?
(Option 4)
7. When growing up, was your mother the one who ruled your home?
Yes, she was the authority figure
No
I did not have a father figure
Is the quiz author going after some sort of Nurture Vs. Nature thing here? If so, does s/he realize that can go either way? That the child will either want to emulate the mother and become the authority figure or that it will grow up to be the partner preferring less authority? Also- There's the fact that many folks believe that nature has more to do with D/s orientation than nurture does.
(Option 1, and my folks were not at all kinky. I know because my mom talks to me about this sort of stuff... It's weird)
8. When you were a child, were you the one of the popular ones?
Yes, everyone loved to be around me
Not really popular, but I did have a circle of friends
I was a loner, not part of the in crowd
I did my own thing
Errr... So is a good submissive the lonely, reclusive outcast or the life of the party? I'm guessing the former as it fits with the Stupid Submissive Stereotype (that needs to die). Regardless, None of these things have anything to do with being dominant or submissive. I'm an outgoing, popular submissive and my Domly One is shy. Go figure.
(Option 2- I was popular enough)
9. In you’re past relationships, who controlled the finances?
My spouse or significant other
I did
We shared control
Another thing that has nothing to do with submission. Some submissives control the finances because they're better at finances than their partner is. Some submissives like their partner taking care of the finances. And some D/s relationships don't involve worries about finances.
(Option 2- My ex didn't care to have anything to do with the finances so that burden fell to me)
10. You are in a new relationship, your new significant other demands that you hand over your check every to them. They then give you a spending allowance and keep the rest. Would you:
Agree, they know what’s best
Say no way and leave the relationship
Try to convince them to share the finances but give in when they stand their ground
I'm betting that this person's idea of a "good" submissive would pick option 1. Sadly, their reasoning has to be based in poorly written erotica because it has nothing to do with reality, personal fiscal responsibility, or (wait for it...) being with your partner long enough to know that they will handle your finances responsibly.
(Option 2- Because if it's a new relationship and they're demanding this of me, I'm going to walk. Fuck that noise)
11. In an argument with your spouse or significant other, who would be the one to concede the argument?
Spouse or significant other
I did
It was pretty well evenly split
Whoever is in the wrong? Unless this person is equating submission with "spineless wimp who will just roll over and show their tender underbelly at the slightest hint of trouble"... Which is what I think they think.
(Option 3- Though we don't argue)
12. Let's say you and your spouse are trying to decide where to go for the evening, which would you say would be the most often result of the decision making process?
My spouse would get her way
I would put up a fight but then would do what she wanted
I’d put my foot down and we’d do what I wanted
We’d compromise on where we were going
Because obviously submissives shouldn't care about what they do or where they go. They shouldn't even express a preference.
FFS.
Some submissives like having their preferences heard and occasionally like doing what they prefer... Oh, the horror!
(Option 4- Cookie and I both like doing what the other person would like to do)
13. You are at work, would having a woman boss be a good thing to you?
If a woman, not applicable
Yes, like the idea
No, women aren’t to be a boss
Doesn’t matter to me
OK, this is definitely wank fodder material. It has absolutely nothing to do with submission.
(Option 1)
14. You are in bed with a significant other; they get very physical with you, slapping you, forcing you to please them. How would you react?
Love it, give me more!
I'd go along, but only so far
No way, I'd tell them to stop
It might be fun, but don't really know
But, but, but... What about negotiations and consent? Does the author realize that without those what s/he's describing is assault and/or rape? Do they also not realize that there's a difference between kinky fuckery and D/s (Ignore that, it was a theoretical question).
(Otpion 3 because, consent)
15. If a significant other told you that you were lousy in bed, how did you feel about it?
I was crushed
I was turned on
Never happened to me
Never happened to me, wish it had
Dafuq?
Seri-fucking-ously... What on Dog's green Earth does this have to do with submission? Having a humiliation fetish doesn't necessarily mean someone is submissive. Ugh!
(Option 3 *smirk*)
16. When having sex, are you more likely to be:
On top
On the bottom
We switch back and forth
Any way I want
Oh, I get it! Because some actions are inherently dominant or submissive... Which is another load of steaming large mammal droppings.
Also, am I the only one who thinks that it's a bit sad that the author only knows of two positions?
(Option 3, but with much more variety)
17. If given the choice, which would you prefer?
Having oral sex done to me
Giving someone oral sex
I think oral sex is disgusting
I'd rather be in a 69 position
Again with the inherently dominant or submissive acts. Doing something or having something done to you has nothing to do with D/s. If my Domly is licking my lady bits (giving) it's not because he's submissive, it's because he likes making me squeak.
(Option 2. I like making him squeak)
18. How would you react to this scenario? You are at a restaurant and notice a man and woman sitting at a nearby table. She is clearly in control of the man, treating him like he is expected to submit to her. (If you are a woman, switch the roles.)
I'd think he's a wimp, a real loser
I'd think that he's lucky to have a woman like that
I'd wish that I could be in his place, that my date would do that with me
I'd find it offensive that she would be doing that to him
You know what? If someone was putting on an obvious enough display of kink in a public place, I'd tell them to knock that shit off. I don't consent to be part of their scene/dynamic when I'm out for dinner, nor do any of the other diners at that establishment. Fuck them for being rude.
(Option 4- I find it offensive that they'd be rude enough to foist their kink off on non consenting viewers in a vanilla place)
19. If given the choice, would you prefer for your significant other to make decisions in your home?
Yes
No way
Maybe, some of the time
This might actually have something to do with submission! Holy hell! It's the first question to address the question the quiz asks!
(Option 1)
20. You are alone with your significant other in the bedroom, how would you like them to treat you in the bedroom?
Let me have my way with them
Have them tell me what they want me to do
Share our desire for each other in a equal basis
Tease me till I beg to get relief
And now we're back to confusing kinky fuckery with D/s...
Bottoming to your partner (preferring them to do the funs stuff to you) does not mean that you're submissive.
(Option 1 because I'm a submissive who likes to bottom during kinky fun times)
21. Your significant other want to tie you to the bed, do you:
Agree readily
Agree with some reservations
Say no way
Tell them that they can do whatever they want
Oi, quiz writer, liking to have kinky fun (topping or bottoming) doesn't have any bearing on orienting as a submissive or a dominant.
(Option 1 because I'm a submissive who likes to bottom during kinky fun times)
22. Your partner wants to bring someone else into the bedroom with you two, how do you react?
Say no way!
Tell them you do not like the idea but go along with it
Tell them that you will do it for them
Hey, more the merry, right?
Ahhh... Because all "good" submissives enjoy having multiple partners, right?
Monogamy and polygamy (also being "open") doesn't have anything to do with authority exchange.
(Option 1 because we're monogamous)
23. In your most private thoughts, does the idea of someone else controlling your life, your pleasure appeal to you?
Yes
No
Sometimes
Oh! Here's the second question that's pertinent! Who has authority in the relationship! BINGO! Now you're talking about D/s!
(Option 1)
24. Have you ever been in a relationship with a dominating or controlling significant other?
Yes
No
Sometimes it was
Just when I was getting hopeful...
Dominating and controlling are adjectives, they don't necessarily describe someone who is a Dominant, they could just as easily describe some abusive assweasel, and I'm sure the author does not mean to imply that an abusive assweasel is any sort of respectable Dominant, right?
(Option 1, with consent and negotiation)
25. If you were involved in a relationship like that, did you find that you enjoyed being the submissive one?
Not applicable
Yes
No
Most of the time I did
(Option 1, with consent and negotiation)
26. Have you ever been restrained by your significant other?
Yes, was great!
Yes, but I did not really get into it
No
Wish they had tied me up
I'm done beating this dead horse. The author is never going to understand that there is a difference between kinky fuckery and D/s and that you can have one without the other.
27. If you were to be punished by a dominatrix, what should she use to keep you in line?
A severe spanking
Force me to clean her shoes with my tongue
Sit on my face until I beg for release
Refuse to see me or talk to me for three months
This implies that:
A) All submissive enjoy Funishment,
B) or want a punishment dynamic
C) That all "good" submissives will share those particular fetishes
(Option 3 because it was the closest thing to "Fuck this noise, Imma going home")
28. How often do you like to have sexual relations?
1 to 2 times a day would be great!
Once or twice a week would be fine
Once to three times a month
I don't need sexual relationships
There are loads of D/s relationships that do not include sex.
They can include sex, but they don't have to.
Sexual appetite has nothing to do with hoe submissive someone is.
Ugh!
(Option 2 was closest to what I'd prefer)
29. Have you ever had a toy used on you by a significant other?
Yes, I wanted them to use it
Yes, but I was not the one to suggest it
No
They wanted to use one, but I said no way
I give up.
(Option 1 because I'm a submissive who likes to bottom during kinky fun times)
30. Of the following, how would you rate your tolerance to pain?
I cannot tolerate much pain
I can tolerate some pain, but not to extremes
Some pain is ok, but when I say stop, STOP!
Love feeling physical pain
Not all submissives are masochists.
Not all masochists are submissive.
Submission does not need to involve receiving pain, dominance does not have to involve inflicting pain.
(Option 3)
MY SCORE-
A Little Submissive, 19 submissive points- (Whatever that means)You are showing more submissive tendencies and you may want to explore those feelings further. They may be able to be drawn out by an intelligent dominatrix.
"A little submissive"...
And yet, here I am in a 24/7 D/s relationship that's about to head into its 7th year... But I might just need to visit a dominant to develop further as a sub.
Bwahahahahaha!
And this is why BDSM quizzes should be used for fun, not for informing a person of where they land in the Kinkyverse, because they're meaningless bits of fluff, often written by people who don't have any sort of clue, and for the most part have absolutely nothing to do with D/s.
"Who were you in a past life?"
"What color is your aura?"
"What dog breed are you?"
Online quizzes are amusing, a good way to waste five minutes, and it's fun to share the results with friends (I'm a Doberman version of Socrates with a yellow aura, BTW. Whatever that means).
But, if there's one type of quiz I cannot stand, it's the ubiquitous BDSM quiz.
"Are you a Dom, Sub, or Switch?"
"How kinky are you?"
Would you make a "good" whatever?"
Some people do them (probably because of the time wasting and amusement factors), but there are a few who do them and take the results as holy gospel...
And the problem with these quizzes? They're mostly full of it ("it" being the steaming piles of excrement created by bovine animals), and anybody who has half a clue will agree... Though oddly, I've never seen anybody state why these quizzes should be taken with a grain of salt.
So! Here I am with a quiz I conveniently found online (all spelling and grammar errors are the author's) to illustrate why all these BDSM quizzes are pretty much worthless.
The "Are You A Good Submissive" Quiz
"Hi! And welcome to my Would You Be a Good Submissive Test. I'll be using advanced logic and knowledge to determine your true nature. Just be honest in your answers as the questions will be designed to reveal your true mental state."
1. When in a group of people deciding what to do, are you the:
Leader, no question
Discuss options and then follow
Quiet, following the others
All right. What does deciding what activity you and a group of pals want to engage in have to do with submission? Last time I checked I wasn't submitting to my friends. We don't have that sort of relationship. Sometimes I go along with what's decided, sometimes I decide... And neither of those decisions make me submissive or dominant.
(I picked option 2)
2. How would you classify yourself in terms of trying new things?
I'll try just about anything once
I might try something new
I am cautious about trying new things
I'm at a loss as to what this question says about submission. Are you submissive if you're "up for anything" or are you submissive if you're timid and reluctant to try new things? Me? I like new experiences so I'll try a lot of new things just to learn how I feel about them... But that has nothing to do with how I orient in a relationship.
(I picked option 1)
3. Which of the following classifies you?
Single
Married
Divorced
Widow
Huh? What does relationship status have to do with submitting? I'm guessing the author couldn't think of anything better to ask.
(I picked option 2, because I am)
4. At what age did you become sexually active?
10 to 14
15 to 20
21 to 26
27 and above
Someone please tell me what this has to do with being a good submissive. Please. Anybody?
(I picked option 2, and no- I wasn't jail bait)
5. How many committed relationships have you been in?
0 to 1
2 to 4
5 to 7
8 or more
So does being in a lot of relationships make you a good submissive, or does being in fewer relationships make you a good submissive? I'm missing the logic of this question (if it even exists).
(Option 2. I've had 3 serious, long term relationships)
6. How long does your typical relationship last in months?
1 to 3 months
4 to 7 months
8 to 12 months
13 months or more
Once more for the nose bleed seats... What does this have to do with how a person orients in their relationship?
(Option 4)
7. When growing up, was your mother the one who ruled your home?
Yes, she was the authority figure
No
I did not have a father figure
Is the quiz author going after some sort of Nurture Vs. Nature thing here? If so, does s/he realize that can go either way? That the child will either want to emulate the mother and become the authority figure or that it will grow up to be the partner preferring less authority? Also- There's the fact that many folks believe that nature has more to do with D/s orientation than nurture does.
(Option 1, and my folks were not at all kinky. I know because my mom talks to me about this sort of stuff... It's weird)
8. When you were a child, were you the one of the popular ones?
Yes, everyone loved to be around me
Not really popular, but I did have a circle of friends
I was a loner, not part of the in crowd
I did my own thing
Errr... So is a good submissive the lonely, reclusive outcast or the life of the party? I'm guessing the former as it fits with the Stupid Submissive Stereotype (that needs to die). Regardless, None of these things have anything to do with being dominant or submissive. I'm an outgoing, popular submissive and my Domly One is shy. Go figure.
(Option 2- I was popular enough)
9. In you’re past relationships, who controlled the finances?
My spouse or significant other
I did
We shared control
Another thing that has nothing to do with submission. Some submissives control the finances because they're better at finances than their partner is. Some submissives like their partner taking care of the finances. And some D/s relationships don't involve worries about finances.
(Option 2- My ex didn't care to have anything to do with the finances so that burden fell to me)
10. You are in a new relationship, your new significant other demands that you hand over your check every to them. They then give you a spending allowance and keep the rest. Would you:
Agree, they know what’s best
Say no way and leave the relationship
Try to convince them to share the finances but give in when they stand their ground
I'm betting that this person's idea of a "good" submissive would pick option 1. Sadly, their reasoning has to be based in poorly written erotica because it has nothing to do with reality, personal fiscal responsibility, or (wait for it...) being with your partner long enough to know that they will handle your finances responsibly.
(Option 2- Because if it's a new relationship and they're demanding this of me, I'm going to walk. Fuck that noise)
11. In an argument with your spouse or significant other, who would be the one to concede the argument?
Spouse or significant other
I did
It was pretty well evenly split
Whoever is in the wrong? Unless this person is equating submission with "spineless wimp who will just roll over and show their tender underbelly at the slightest hint of trouble"... Which is what I think they think.
(Option 3- Though we don't argue)
12. Let's say you and your spouse are trying to decide where to go for the evening, which would you say would be the most often result of the decision making process?
My spouse would get her way
I would put up a fight but then would do what she wanted
I’d put my foot down and we’d do what I wanted
We’d compromise on where we were going
Because obviously submissives shouldn't care about what they do or where they go. They shouldn't even express a preference.
FFS.
Some submissives like having their preferences heard and occasionally like doing what they prefer... Oh, the horror!
(Option 4- Cookie and I both like doing what the other person would like to do)
13. You are at work, would having a woman boss be a good thing to you?
If a woman, not applicable
Yes, like the idea
No, women aren’t to be a boss
Doesn’t matter to me
OK, this is definitely wank fodder material. It has absolutely nothing to do with submission.
(Option 1)
14. You are in bed with a significant other; they get very physical with you, slapping you, forcing you to please them. How would you react?
Love it, give me more!
I'd go along, but only so far
No way, I'd tell them to stop
It might be fun, but don't really know
But, but, but... What about negotiations and consent? Does the author realize that without those what s/he's describing is assault and/or rape? Do they also not realize that there's a difference between kinky fuckery and D/s (Ignore that, it was a theoretical question).
(Otpion 3 because, consent)
15. If a significant other told you that you were lousy in bed, how did you feel about it?
I was crushed
I was turned on
Never happened to me
Never happened to me, wish it had
Dafuq?
Seri-fucking-ously... What on Dog's green Earth does this have to do with submission? Having a humiliation fetish doesn't necessarily mean someone is submissive. Ugh!
(Option 3 *smirk*)
16. When having sex, are you more likely to be:
On top
On the bottom
We switch back and forth
Any way I want
Oh, I get it! Because some actions are inherently dominant or submissive... Which is another load of steaming large mammal droppings.
Also, am I the only one who thinks that it's a bit sad that the author only knows of two positions?
(Option 3, but with much more variety)
17. If given the choice, which would you prefer?
Having oral sex done to me
Giving someone oral sex
I think oral sex is disgusting
I'd rather be in a 69 position
Again with the inherently dominant or submissive acts. Doing something or having something done to you has nothing to do with D/s. If my Domly is licking my lady bits (giving) it's not because he's submissive, it's because he likes making me squeak.
(Option 2. I like making him squeak)
18. How would you react to this scenario? You are at a restaurant and notice a man and woman sitting at a nearby table. She is clearly in control of the man, treating him like he is expected to submit to her. (If you are a woman, switch the roles.)
I'd think he's a wimp, a real loser
I'd think that he's lucky to have a woman like that
I'd wish that I could be in his place, that my date would do that with me
I'd find it offensive that she would be doing that to him
You know what? If someone was putting on an obvious enough display of kink in a public place, I'd tell them to knock that shit off. I don't consent to be part of their scene/dynamic when I'm out for dinner, nor do any of the other diners at that establishment. Fuck them for being rude.
(Option 4- I find it offensive that they'd be rude enough to foist their kink off on non consenting viewers in a vanilla place)
19. If given the choice, would you prefer for your significant other to make decisions in your home?
Yes
No way
Maybe, some of the time
This might actually have something to do with submission! Holy hell! It's the first question to address the question the quiz asks!
(Option 1)
20. You are alone with your significant other in the bedroom, how would you like them to treat you in the bedroom?
Let me have my way with them
Have them tell me what they want me to do
Share our desire for each other in a equal basis
Tease me till I beg to get relief
And now we're back to confusing kinky fuckery with D/s...
Bottoming to your partner (preferring them to do the funs stuff to you) does not mean that you're submissive.
(Option 1 because I'm a submissive who likes to bottom during kinky fun times)
21. Your significant other want to tie you to the bed, do you:
Agree readily
Agree with some reservations
Say no way
Tell them that they can do whatever they want
Oi, quiz writer, liking to have kinky fun (topping or bottoming) doesn't have any bearing on orienting as a submissive or a dominant.
(Option 1 because I'm a submissive who likes to bottom during kinky fun times)
22. Your partner wants to bring someone else into the bedroom with you two, how do you react?
Say no way!
Tell them you do not like the idea but go along with it
Tell them that you will do it for them
Hey, more the merry, right?
Ahhh... Because all "good" submissives enjoy having multiple partners, right?
Monogamy and polygamy (also being "open") doesn't have anything to do with authority exchange.
(Option 1 because we're monogamous)
23. In your most private thoughts, does the idea of someone else controlling your life, your pleasure appeal to you?
Yes
No
Sometimes
Oh! Here's the second question that's pertinent! Who has authority in the relationship! BINGO! Now you're talking about D/s!
(Option 1)
24. Have you ever been in a relationship with a dominating or controlling significant other?
Yes
No
Sometimes it was
Just when I was getting hopeful...
Dominating and controlling are adjectives, they don't necessarily describe someone who is a Dominant, they could just as easily describe some abusive assweasel, and I'm sure the author does not mean to imply that an abusive assweasel is any sort of respectable Dominant, right?
(Option 1, with consent and negotiation)
25. If you were involved in a relationship like that, did you find that you enjoyed being the submissive one?
Not applicable
Yes
No
Most of the time I did
(Option 1, with consent and negotiation)
26. Have you ever been restrained by your significant other?
Yes, was great!
Yes, but I did not really get into it
No
Wish they had tied me up
I'm done beating this dead horse. The author is never going to understand that there is a difference between kinky fuckery and D/s and that you can have one without the other.
27. If you were to be punished by a dominatrix, what should she use to keep you in line?
A severe spanking
Force me to clean her shoes with my tongue
Sit on my face until I beg for release
Refuse to see me or talk to me for three months
This implies that:
A) All submissive enjoy Funishment,
B) or want a punishment dynamic
C) That all "good" submissives will share those particular fetishes
(Option 3 because it was the closest thing to "Fuck this noise, Imma going home")
28. How often do you like to have sexual relations?
1 to 2 times a day would be great!
Once or twice a week would be fine
Once to three times a month
I don't need sexual relationships
There are loads of D/s relationships that do not include sex.
They can include sex, but they don't have to.
Sexual appetite has nothing to do with hoe submissive someone is.
Ugh!
(Option 2 was closest to what I'd prefer)
29. Have you ever had a toy used on you by a significant other?
Yes, I wanted them to use it
Yes, but I was not the one to suggest it
No
They wanted to use one, but I said no way
I give up.
(Option 1 because I'm a submissive who likes to bottom during kinky fun times)
30. Of the following, how would you rate your tolerance to pain?
I cannot tolerate much pain
I can tolerate some pain, but not to extremes
Some pain is ok, but when I say stop, STOP!
Love feeling physical pain
Not all submissives are masochists.
Not all masochists are submissive.
Submission does not need to involve receiving pain, dominance does not have to involve inflicting pain.
(Option 3)
MY SCORE-
A Little Submissive, 19 submissive points- (Whatever that means)You are showing more submissive tendencies and you may want to explore those feelings further. They may be able to be drawn out by an intelligent dominatrix.
"A little submissive"...
And yet, here I am in a 24/7 D/s relationship that's about to head into its 7th year... But I might just need to visit a dominant to develop further as a sub.
Bwahahahahaha!
And this is why BDSM quizzes should be used for fun, not for informing a person of where they land in the Kinkyverse, because they're meaningless bits of fluff, often written by people who don't have any sort of clue, and for the most part have absolutely nothing to do with D/s.
Friday, March 13, 2015
How Not To Do BDSM for Beginners
Hi there new person who has discovered an interest in BDSM, welcome to The Kinkyverse!
I bet you're all sorts of excited and curious about things you may have recently read in popular novels, bad erotica, or have seen in blockbuster movies or titillating porn. Things that involve fun, kinky, sexy times, and things that involve domination and submission.
And that's cool. We all had to start somewhere.
But here's the kick in the nuts you might not be thinking about- BDSM isn't just something that everybody can go and do without at least a little information. Trying out kink without the info you need to play safely isn't a good idea.
Think about it this way: Would you show your little sibling/cousin/kid (any young person, really) how to start your car and then hand them the keys to go for a joyride?
Hell no! You'd know that was a bad idea because there's a lot more to driving a car safely than just than knowing how to start it.
Kink is like that.
Authors and film directors have shown you how to start up your kinky car, but they haven't shown you how to drive it safely, and I really don't think you want to wreck up your shiny, new kinky hooptie like this guy did:
19 year-old charged with assault, claims he was reenacting 50SoG
Now, I don't want this blog to be all blamey and "you should have know better" because, well, those kids involved didn't know what they didn't know... And really, with the kink community keeping itself crammed way back in the closet it's easy to understand why they didn't know what they needed to know to play safe. They were handed the keys to a shiny new kinkmobile and were told to take it for a spin... It's no wonder they wrecked it.
The wrong way to do BDSM is doing it based on crap that will harm you or harm someone else.
So how do you do BDSM safely when you're a beginner and you don't know what you should know?
FIRST!- Forget about everything you've ever read about in erotica and forget everything you've seen in films. Those are good places to get ideas for things you'd like to try, but they're not good for anything other than that.
Beyond that- Fictional films and books are crap at teaching you anything of value. Nothing you've read or seen is anywhere close to how BDSM works for real people. NOTHING.
Basing your play on fiction is a great way to harm someone and/or wind up in the pokey.
That 19 year-old kid tried it and he's been arrested. Don't be that kid.
SECOND! Join Fetlife. Fetlife is a FREE social networking site for the BDSM and fetish community. Once you've joined, hit the "Groups" link at the top of the page.
Then, next to the grey search bar to the right you will see two links, click on "Most Popular Groups."
At the very top of the list that will appear is the group "Novices & Newbies."
JOIN THAT GROUP.
That's it.
Novices & Newbies has an FAQ section that contains every single thing you could ever want to know about BDSM in general. Take a week or two (at least!) to read those posts in the FAQ to at least get an idea of how BDSM works in real life for real people.
If you have questions, ask the group members.
At the time of posting there are 167,431 people in that group who are ready and willing to help you out.
If you're interested in submission, the third group on the list is Submissive Women. Join that group.
Their FAQs about submission are great for the beginner submissive, and the ladies (although they can be blunt) are some of the most helpful people you could hope to encounter.
WARNING! There are trolls who prey on new people to Fetlife. The will message you with offers to mentor, train, or play with you... Do not accept their offers. Anything you need to know you can find in the groups. You don't need a mentor, trainer, or whatever.
WARNING! There are jackasses who will try to top you without your consent. Ignore them. Better yet, block them and delete their message. You don't need them, nor are you ready to play with them yet (even if you might be interested). Wait until you've done your reading so that when you are ready to play you'll know how to go about playing safely. Please.
THIRD!- Read this blog. I've written TONS of stuff about safety, about how incorrect the BDSM stereotypes are, about finding compatible partners to play or have a relationship with... Tons of stuff. I'm also totally happy to try to answer any questions you might have. ANY QUESTION. in my experience, there are no stupid questions. If you don't want to ask in the blog, I'm cool with emails- squeakings@gmail.com
FOURTH! There is nothing wrong with being new and perhaps kinda clueless.
Everybody was new and clueless once. I was new and clueless once. Even John Warren (author of The Loving Dominant) was probably new and clueless once, and now he's a super awesome guy who writes books about BDSM. Real books, not the fictional sort!
Nobody knows the stuff they need to know when they're new. Everybody starts off clueless.
FIFTH! (And Finally!) Take your time.
Slow the fuck down.
It's not a race.
She who finds a Domly Dom first does not win (and in fact will probably end up pretty unhappy with her choice if she doesn't know how to make that choice wisely).
You have all the time in the world... And sure, it might not feel like it if you've got a case of the Frenzy nipping at your proverbial 5 inch heels, but you do.
Gah!
This message brought to you by the letters WTF, the number 27 (the amount of clueless newbs who posted in my Fet groups the other day), and my unending frustration with folks who cannot seem to fathom the fact that BDSM is not a safe, turtle-shaped plastic sandbox in their overly protective parents yard.
I bet you're all sorts of excited and curious about things you may have recently read in popular novels, bad erotica, or have seen in blockbuster movies or titillating porn. Things that involve fun, kinky, sexy times, and things that involve domination and submission.
And that's cool. We all had to start somewhere.
But here's the kick in the nuts you might not be thinking about- BDSM isn't just something that everybody can go and do without at least a little information. Trying out kink without the info you need to play safely isn't a good idea.
Think about it this way: Would you show your little sibling/cousin/kid (any young person, really) how to start your car and then hand them the keys to go for a joyride?
Hell no! You'd know that was a bad idea because there's a lot more to driving a car safely than just than knowing how to start it.
Kink is like that.
Authors and film directors have shown you how to start up your kinky car, but they haven't shown you how to drive it safely, and I really don't think you want to wreck up your shiny, new kinky hooptie like this guy did:
19 year-old charged with assault, claims he was reenacting 50SoG
Now, I don't want this blog to be all blamey and "you should have know better" because, well, those kids involved didn't know what they didn't know... And really, with the kink community keeping itself crammed way back in the closet it's easy to understand why they didn't know what they needed to know to play safe. They were handed the keys to a shiny new kinkmobile and were told to take it for a spin... It's no wonder they wrecked it.
The wrong way to do BDSM is doing it based on crap that will harm you or harm someone else.
So how do you do BDSM safely when you're a beginner and you don't know what you should know?
FIRST!- Forget about everything you've ever read about in erotica and forget everything you've seen in films. Those are good places to get ideas for things you'd like to try, but they're not good for anything other than that.
Beyond that- Fictional films and books are crap at teaching you anything of value. Nothing you've read or seen is anywhere close to how BDSM works for real people. NOTHING.
Basing your play on fiction is a great way to harm someone and/or wind up in the pokey.
That 19 year-old kid tried it and he's been arrested. Don't be that kid.
SECOND! Join Fetlife. Fetlife is a FREE social networking site for the BDSM and fetish community. Once you've joined, hit the "Groups" link at the top of the page.
Then, next to the grey search bar to the right you will see two links, click on "Most Popular Groups."
At the very top of the list that will appear is the group "Novices & Newbies."
JOIN THAT GROUP.
That's it.
Novices & Newbies has an FAQ section that contains every single thing you could ever want to know about BDSM in general. Take a week or two (at least!) to read those posts in the FAQ to at least get an idea of how BDSM works in real life for real people.
If you have questions, ask the group members.
At the time of posting there are 167,431 people in that group who are ready and willing to help you out.
If you're interested in submission, the third group on the list is Submissive Women. Join that group.
Their FAQs about submission are great for the beginner submissive, and the ladies (although they can be blunt) are some of the most helpful people you could hope to encounter.
WARNING! There are trolls who prey on new people to Fetlife. The will message you with offers to mentor, train, or play with you... Do not accept their offers. Anything you need to know you can find in the groups. You don't need a mentor, trainer, or whatever.
WARNING! There are jackasses who will try to top you without your consent. Ignore them. Better yet, block them and delete their message. You don't need them, nor are you ready to play with them yet (even if you might be interested). Wait until you've done your reading so that when you are ready to play you'll know how to go about playing safely. Please.
THIRD!- Read this blog. I've written TONS of stuff about safety, about how incorrect the BDSM stereotypes are, about finding compatible partners to play or have a relationship with... Tons of stuff. I'm also totally happy to try to answer any questions you might have. ANY QUESTION. in my experience, there are no stupid questions. If you don't want to ask in the blog, I'm cool with emails- squeakings@gmail.com
FOURTH! There is nothing wrong with being new and perhaps kinda clueless.
Everybody was new and clueless once. I was new and clueless once. Even John Warren (author of The Loving Dominant) was probably new and clueless once, and now he's a super awesome guy who writes books about BDSM. Real books, not the fictional sort!
Nobody knows the stuff they need to know when they're new. Everybody starts off clueless.
FIFTH! (And Finally!) Take your time.
Slow the fuck down.
It's not a race.
She who finds a Domly Dom first does not win (and in fact will probably end up pretty unhappy with her choice if she doesn't know how to make that choice wisely).
You have all the time in the world... And sure, it might not feel like it if you've got a case of the Frenzy nipping at your proverbial 5 inch heels, but you do.
Gah!
This message brought to you by the letters WTF, the number 27 (the amount of clueless newbs who posted in my Fet groups the other day), and my unending frustration with folks who cannot seem to fathom the fact that BDSM is not a safe, turtle-shaped plastic sandbox in their overly protective parents yard.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
If Predatory 'doms" Wrote Notes:
Dear s-type Person.
I'm a complete stranger to you. I don't know you and I don't care about you. In fact, I care so little for you that if your teeth were on fire I wouldn't piss on your gums to put them out.
I don't know your name.
I don't know what your life is like.
I don't know what responsibilities you have, what your hopes and dreams are, or what value system you use to define the parameters of your actions.
I don't know any of that, and again, I don't care.
Because here's the thing- I see that you have applied an s-type label to yourself and to me that makes you fair game (and easy prey). And I'm really hoping that you know fuck-all about this BDSM thing because the more you know the less likely it'll be that I can take advantage of you.
I'm really hoping you're a straight-off-the-boat newb because when I tell you that I'm your D-type you'll be too ignorant and confused to tell me to get lost, and instead you'll just do whatever I say because I am, after-all the D-type and you're just the s-type, and I can prey on that confusion and insecurity by dangling the words real and true before you:
"A REAL submissive never says no"
"A TRUE submissive does whatever her dominant says"
And you'll fall for it. Hey, odds are good that even if you're not a newb you'll still fall for it. Nobody likes feeling insecure and I can and will use that. I'm a manipulative, self-serving jackass like that... Good thing manipulative, self-serving jackasses are really popular right now thanks to that movie and those books.
So, now that we've got that covered I'll tell you how this is going to go:
I'm now your D-type (because I say so) and you're my s-type.
I'm not going to bother to talk to you about limits, negotiations, compatibility, or communication because those things really put a damper on my game.
And if you bring them up?
I'll shoot you down or give you the silent treatment and you'll learn your lesson.
I'm going to tell you to do stupid, dangerous things, and you're going to do them.
I'm going to tell you that I want to be put on your bank accounts, I want your PIN numbers, I want you to send me risqué (or down-right filthy) pictures and videos... I may or may not share these with friends (for free or for profit). I may or may not use them to blackmail you.
I'll probably share you with my friends (for free or for profit).
I'll definitely have you do shit that would probably get you fired from your job/ get your kids taken away/ cause your entire community to ridicule or abhor you if they ever found out about it.
I might even want them to find out about it.
I have a lot of fun things planed for us.
(and yes, I know your little s-type heart just went pitter-pat because I used the word "us"... Too bad it means squat).
So...
I don't know you, I don't care about you, but you'll submit because if you don't you're not a real & true submissive, and if you question you're not a real & true submissive, and if you listen to the advice of other more experienced submissives or try to learn things on your own it means you doubt me and that's not real & true submissive behavior.
And if I ever actually said any of this you might get a clue... But you might not. But just in case I'll tone it down a bit when I actually do message you- You'll never see me coming.
Sincerely,
Lord High Dommypants.
Master of 23 slaves
Dom of 4 submissives
Owner of 15 pets
Daddy to 3 babygirls
Graduate of UberSupreme Dom Skool
Trainer, mentor, and super-accredited guy.
(You can trust me)
I only wish they were this obvious, but they're not so for Dog's sake GO LEARN A CLUE!
***This refreshed rant brought to you courtesy of the bajillion newbies who have joined Fet in the past few days, the predators who are having a heyday with the influx, and the "OMG! WHAT DO I DOOooooOOOoOo? My new "Dom" says..." posts all over the effing place. Eff that movie. Eff it right in the effing arse with an unlubed cinder bock. GAH!.
I'm a complete stranger to you. I don't know you and I don't care about you. In fact, I care so little for you that if your teeth were on fire I wouldn't piss on your gums to put them out.
I don't know your name.
I don't know what your life is like.
I don't know what responsibilities you have, what your hopes and dreams are, or what value system you use to define the parameters of your actions.
I don't know any of that, and again, I don't care.
Because here's the thing- I see that you have applied an s-type label to yourself and to me that makes you fair game (and easy prey). And I'm really hoping that you know fuck-all about this BDSM thing because the more you know the less likely it'll be that I can take advantage of you.
I'm really hoping you're a straight-off-the-boat newb because when I tell you that I'm your D-type you'll be too ignorant and confused to tell me to get lost, and instead you'll just do whatever I say because I am, after-all the D-type and you're just the s-type, and I can prey on that confusion and insecurity by dangling the words real and true before you:
"A REAL submissive never says no"
"A TRUE submissive does whatever her dominant says"
And you'll fall for it. Hey, odds are good that even if you're not a newb you'll still fall for it. Nobody likes feeling insecure and I can and will use that. I'm a manipulative, self-serving jackass like that... Good thing manipulative, self-serving jackasses are really popular right now thanks to that movie and those books.
So, now that we've got that covered I'll tell you how this is going to go:
I'm now your D-type (because I say so) and you're my s-type.
I'm not going to bother to talk to you about limits, negotiations, compatibility, or communication because those things really put a damper on my game.
And if you bring them up?
I'll shoot you down or give you the silent treatment and you'll learn your lesson.
I'm going to tell you to do stupid, dangerous things, and you're going to do them.
I'm going to tell you that I want to be put on your bank accounts, I want your PIN numbers, I want you to send me risqué (or down-right filthy) pictures and videos... I may or may not share these with friends (for free or for profit). I may or may not use them to blackmail you.
I'll probably share you with my friends (for free or for profit).
I'll definitely have you do shit that would probably get you fired from your job/ get your kids taken away/ cause your entire community to ridicule or abhor you if they ever found out about it.
I might even want them to find out about it.
I have a lot of fun things planed for us.
(and yes, I know your little s-type heart just went pitter-pat because I used the word "us"... Too bad it means squat).
So...
I don't know you, I don't care about you, but you'll submit because if you don't you're not a real & true submissive, and if you question you're not a real & true submissive, and if you listen to the advice of other more experienced submissives or try to learn things on your own it means you doubt me and that's not real & true submissive behavior.
And if I ever actually said any of this you might get a clue... But you might not. But just in case I'll tone it down a bit when I actually do message you- You'll never see me coming.
Sincerely,
Lord High Dommypants.
Master of 23 slaves
Dom of 4 submissives
Owner of 15 pets
Daddy to 3 babygirls
Graduate of UberSupreme Dom Skool
Trainer, mentor, and super-accredited guy.
(You can trust me)
I only wish they were this obvious, but they're not so for Dog's sake GO LEARN A CLUE!
***This refreshed rant brought to you courtesy of the bajillion newbies who have joined Fet in the past few days, the predators who are having a heyday with the influx, and the "OMG! WHAT DO I DOOooooOOOoOo? My new "Dom" says..." posts all over the effing place. Eff that movie. Eff it right in the effing arse with an unlubed cinder bock. GAH!.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Real & True BDSM Frustration
Yesterday, out of curiosity, I trolled FB (of all places) for groups geared towards submission. I found one, labeled as a "help group" or some such thing and decided, "What the hell, Squeaky. We've got nothing better to do (other than playing Farm Saga), let's join this here groupie thinger." So I joined, got approved, it was a closed group, and began reading.
Five minutes in and I just wanted to start banging my head against my keyboard until my skull ruptured and my brains spilled out. The only reason I refrained was because Cookie would be traumatized, and I didn't want to traumatize him. I like Cookie.
It's all very One True Way, Thou Shalt Not Sub Any Way But Thy One Twue Way, Amen-ish.
And I know it's meant to be helpful- I know that... But really, how helpful is it when you're offering newbies only one perspective and everybody in the group parrots your Holy Grail of BDSM?
There's a note about collars taken from someone else's blog, outlining the various "meanings" of collars (including one that I'd never heard of in my 18 years of doing WIITWD) and how EVERYBODY doing D/s believes and agrees with the author because it's Real & True...
No mention of the fact that not everybody uses collars, that some folks only view them as another toy in the box (even deeply committed We-Own-A-Home-Have-Kids-And-Dogs-Together-And-Are-Married people), not all people follow the "stages" of collaring...
There was a note about how to recognize a "Profound Submissive" (even if they didn't know they were a "profound submissive"...
And I read it and thought... OK, maybe that's someone who is extremely submissive in both personality and orientation, but it could just as easily be someone who had a profoundly submissive personality and had no interest in D/s, someone who had such horrible issues enforcing boundaries and standing up for themselves that perhaps therapy might help, or someone who had suffered through years of abuse and had no sense of self left... It just seemed rather shady to label that person and treat them like a submissive when that might not be who they are or how they want to be treated.
There were notes on "Rules for Submissives" (My favorite was "Be Humble" followed closely by "Respect and obey your top and expect punishment if you don't." Never mind that not all dynamics include punishment).
A Note on how to be a real Dom (Including rules for All Doms).
Something about etiquette to observe during a munch- A MUNCH! About the most Vanilla kinky gathering one can go to where there is no "etiquette" because it's in a public, vanilla space and Dog forbid we squick the 'Nillas!
*************************sigh*
So I doubt I'll last there very long. I won't quit- Someone has to pipe up and say "Hey, the only right way to do it is the way that works for you and your partner/s..." and I have the feeling that will go over like a fart in church.
Until then, it just reminds me why I write this bloggy thing. So there's another perspective available for the folks who feel that they have to shoe-horn themselves into someone else's idea of Real & True BDSM and end up being frustrated, unfulfilled, and possibly harmed because that R&T idea isn't a good fit for them.
Five minutes in and I just wanted to start banging my head against my keyboard until my skull ruptured and my brains spilled out. The only reason I refrained was because Cookie would be traumatized, and I didn't want to traumatize him. I like Cookie.
It's all very One True Way, Thou Shalt Not Sub Any Way But Thy One Twue Way, Amen-ish.
And I know it's meant to be helpful- I know that... But really, how helpful is it when you're offering newbies only one perspective and everybody in the group parrots your Holy Grail of BDSM?
There's a note about collars taken from someone else's blog, outlining the various "meanings" of collars (including one that I'd never heard of in my 18 years of doing WIITWD) and how EVERYBODY doing D/s believes and agrees with the author because it's Real & True...
No mention of the fact that not everybody uses collars, that some folks only view them as another toy in the box (even deeply committed We-Own-A-Home-Have-Kids-And-Dogs-Together-And-Are-Married people), not all people follow the "stages" of collaring...
There was a note about how to recognize a "Profound Submissive" (even if they didn't know they were a "profound submissive"...
And I read it and thought... OK, maybe that's someone who is extremely submissive in both personality and orientation, but it could just as easily be someone who had a profoundly submissive personality and had no interest in D/s, someone who had such horrible issues enforcing boundaries and standing up for themselves that perhaps therapy might help, or someone who had suffered through years of abuse and had no sense of self left... It just seemed rather shady to label that person and treat them like a submissive when that might not be who they are or how they want to be treated.
There were notes on "Rules for Submissives" (My favorite was "Be Humble" followed closely by "Respect and obey your top and expect punishment if you don't." Never mind that not all dynamics include punishment).
A Note on how to be a real Dom (Including rules for All Doms).
Something about etiquette to observe during a munch- A MUNCH! About the most Vanilla kinky gathering one can go to where there is no "etiquette" because it's in a public, vanilla space and Dog forbid we squick the 'Nillas!
*************************sigh*
So I doubt I'll last there very long. I won't quit- Someone has to pipe up and say "Hey, the only right way to do it is the way that works for you and your partner/s..." and I have the feeling that will go over like a fart in church.
Until then, it just reminds me why I write this bloggy thing. So there's another perspective available for the folks who feel that they have to shoe-horn themselves into someone else's idea of Real & True BDSM and end up being frustrated, unfulfilled, and possibly harmed because that R&T idea isn't a good fit for them.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Dominants Suffer From Truism Too.
I don't usually dissect posts about dominants. They're not the focus of my interests, I'm more about the s-type side of things and the stuff that affects our lives... Which makes sense because that's the side of the slash I have experience on. Write what you know and all that.
Then! I found the post I'm about to eviscerate here in a few minutes and I thought to myself, "Self, we're really doing the decent domly sorts a disservice by not sticking up for them when we stumble upon stupid shit that dictates what they have to do to be true. We really should be pointing out how the True shit hurts those on the other side of the slash as much as it hurts us. Folks should know that there is no one specific thing (or a list of them) that makes a domly "true."
And submissive folks should know that what makes for a "True" dom doesn't necessarily make that guy "right for you." Which is far more important in my book.
True Doms Do XYZ!
a post by: Some Blathering Douchecanoe.
(And no, sorry, I'm not driving traffic towards this guys inane drivel. No link)
My thoughts in Mauve. Mauve is today's color of annoyance.
A Dominant Should Be
… everything to his submissive.
Encouraging someone to have such a limited view of life is not cool. Nobody should be anybody's everything. A) Because it's impossible and B) it's unhealthy to depend or expect that much from another human being. It's an unfair burden to place on someone's shoulders.
A Dominant is a lover, a teacher, a caretaker, a father-figure, a rock.
A dominant is those things ONLY if he agrees to be those things. Not all doms have an interest in being those things and not all submissives want their d-type partner to be those things. Some of us are fully capable of educating ourselves, we already have dads or father figures and don't want/need another, and rocks are a dime a dozen... Unless we're talking about emeralds or The Rock. I hear he cooks.
A submissive needs things from her Dom, some need the removal of certain life responsibilities, some need someone to help them fix their lives, some need someone to tell them exactly what to do and when.
Hrmph.
Poor domly guys, all saddled with irresponsible, broken, directionless adults because that's what you MUST put up with if you want to be True... S-type ladies, don't do this to a guy. It's not fair to expect someone else to have to handle your shit for you.
No matter what you need as a submissive, a true Dom will step up and do what needs to be done, because that’s what a Dom should do.
No. A dom will do what a dom has agreed to do for his partner. And sure, a lot of partners will go above and beyond for someone they care about no matter what their label- But it's not something to expect all the time, no matter what. Especially if that's not what the D-type partner has consented to. There is no "should" when it comes to what happens in relationships.
When entering into a Dom/sub relationship, the Dom should be assessing what your needs are as a submissive. This assessment helps him determine if he is able to give you what you need and if you are willing to give him what he needs.
Ok, I can't actually find fault with this line of reasoning, except as it applies to everything else above.
No matter how you look at it, submissive people are broken, and before anyone jumps on their soap box I will say this is not a bad thing.
*Trots out high horse, soap boxes are for wussies*
Bullshit, uninformed blog writer with an extremely skewed and unflattering view of submissives.
Submissives are broken because they can’t function to the best of their ability without a Dom.
Oh, FFS!
This line of tripe again... Some PEOPLE have a hard time functioning at full capacity without someone else there to back them up. This is not a trait shared only by those who identify as submissive, nor is it something only submissives suffer from.
Some cannot handle the responsibility of Money management or bill paying, so they are always broke or in a really bad place financially. Some cannot seem to manage their time properly, some are overly selfish and cannot be responsible in doing what needs to be done and not what they want to do for their own selfish needs. Some abuse alcohol or drugs to escape their troubles in life which just causes more issues in their life, a never ending cycle. Some don’t take the risks they need to in order to succeed, and some just sit on the sidelines and just watch life pass them by.
D-types suffer from these as well.
Some s-types manage their relationship's finances as a service because they're better with money than their dominant partner.
Some s-types act as their dom's executive assistant, planning his day, reminding him of appointments, ensuring he's on time.
Some dominants are pretty selfish people- Or have you just not been on Fetlife any time in the past 6 years?
Some dominants have addiction issues or use other forms of escapism.
Some are life's wall flowers.
Nothing in this paragraph of stupid is a trait that afflicts only submissives. These are problems anybody can have, no matter what their label.
In short, the submissive is not living up to her full potential and sadly never will because she does not have the ability to make the changes she needs to make (otherwise she wouldn’t be in this position in her life).
Again, you're taking problems any person can have and saying that they only afflict one specific segment of the population- Complete and utter BS.
A submissive needs someone to do this for her, to take control of these “problems” in her life and do what needs to be done to help fix the issues. This is where the Dom steps in … the true Dom will be able to recognize the issues and build a plan in order to resolve them. When I say resolve, do not take that as a definition for “fix permanently”, because it rarely happens. A submissive is “broken” for a reason, it is not something that can be fixed with 2 months or years of work.
What I mean by “fixing” the issue is the Dom is the fix, his control is the fix. If you have issues paying your bills on time or are always too broke to function in life, the Dom steps in and controls that. For example, if you are always spending your money buying everything you want but know you can’t afford, the Dom steps in and puts a stop to that. The Dom gives you an allowance or a set budget, the Dom approves or denies your every purchase. The Dom steps up and helps you stay in control, the Dom is essentially the “fix” for your problem. Even after time, if you remove the Dom, the sub will usually revert (in some form) back to the way things were because the “fix” for the issue is no longer there, the control.
A) No. If a person has these issues they need to pull on their grown-up undies and sort their own shit out.
B) Expecting someone to fix your shit for you is immature and selfish in the extreme.
C) Nobody is obligated to carry the burden of another person's problems unless they choose to.
D) Dominants are not obligated to do any of this without first consenting to it, especially if they have no interest in a partner who is a "fixer-upper."
No two subs are the same so there is no one way to fix everything but the true Dom will be able to figure out a plan and implement it no matter what the issues are.
Unless he has no interest in that. Not all dominants want to take responsibility for a grown adult who should be taking responsibility for their own lives and problems. Someone who is unwilling to shoulder that burden is no less true than someone who is.
The Dom will become the submissive’s control point, the control she needs in order to grow and live up to her full potential. What it all comes down to in the end is Control … the control, the Dom’s control is the fix and this fits in with my other topic of writing about why the Dom needs to be in control of his own life first before ever attempting to control the life of another person.
A Dominant should be everything the submissive needs him to be … in order to help her become everything she can be …
No, no, no.
Adults need to be in control of themselves, period.
If you cannot control yourself, how can you submit?
If you can't control yourself how can you hope to control someone else?
Ugh. This tripe (which is an insult to tripe everywhere) is making my head hurt.
So the submissive should be … everything the Dom wants her to be, to show the appreciation for him being everything she needs him to be …
Why does this feel like Grade A manipulation?
no matter what, Dom/sub is give and take and it has to be in order for it to function properly. A sub should always appreciate and remind herself of everything the Dom is doing for her by being the “fix” for her issues and the Dom should always appreciate that they sub is giving him that control and is offering him what he wants, her ultimate submission.
Oh. Because it is.
In exchange for all that fixing the d-type now gets to expect (and receive) everything his domly little heart could require. And why do I get the feeling that shows of the submissive's appreciation would include doing things on her hard limit list for this guy?
When it’s all said and done, both should be everything the other needs them to be.
No.
When all is said and done, both partner should be exactly what they've agreed to be.
If the dominant partner has not agreed to be his submissive's life coach, therapist, day planner, financial service expert, administrative assistant, teacher, dog walker, father figure... HE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE.
Having no interest in being an enabler does not make him untrue, it makes him incompatible with a submissive who is looking for that in her partner. That's it.
Ugh. Who knew you guys had it so rough?
I feel bad for you all.
BTW subs- D/s is NOT therapy. If you have issues you know you need help with? Hire a therapist. Employ a life coach. Don't expect some poor schmuck with a title to fix the issues you're unwilling to fix yourself. Tat's unfair to him and a recipe for relationship disaster for you both.
Then! I found the post I'm about to eviscerate here in a few minutes and I thought to myself, "Self, we're really doing the decent domly sorts a disservice by not sticking up for them when we stumble upon stupid shit that dictates what they have to do to be true. We really should be pointing out how the True shit hurts those on the other side of the slash as much as it hurts us. Folks should know that there is no one specific thing (or a list of them) that makes a domly "true."
And submissive folks should know that what makes for a "True" dom doesn't necessarily make that guy "right for you." Which is far more important in my book.
True Doms Do XYZ!
a post by: Some Blathering Douchecanoe.
(And no, sorry, I'm not driving traffic towards this guys inane drivel. No link)
My thoughts in Mauve. Mauve is today's color of annoyance.
A Dominant Should Be
… everything to his submissive.
Encouraging someone to have such a limited view of life is not cool. Nobody should be anybody's everything. A) Because it's impossible and B) it's unhealthy to depend or expect that much from another human being. It's an unfair burden to place on someone's shoulders.
A Dominant is a lover, a teacher, a caretaker, a father-figure, a rock.
A dominant is those things ONLY if he agrees to be those things. Not all doms have an interest in being those things and not all submissives want their d-type partner to be those things. Some of us are fully capable of educating ourselves, we already have dads or father figures and don't want/need another, and rocks are a dime a dozen... Unless we're talking about emeralds or The Rock. I hear he cooks.
A submissive needs things from her Dom, some need the removal of certain life responsibilities, some need someone to help them fix their lives, some need someone to tell them exactly what to do and when.
Hrmph.
Poor domly guys, all saddled with irresponsible, broken, directionless adults because that's what you MUST put up with if you want to be True... S-type ladies, don't do this to a guy. It's not fair to expect someone else to have to handle your shit for you.
No matter what you need as a submissive, a true Dom will step up and do what needs to be done, because that’s what a Dom should do.
No. A dom will do what a dom has agreed to do for his partner. And sure, a lot of partners will go above and beyond for someone they care about no matter what their label- But it's not something to expect all the time, no matter what. Especially if that's not what the D-type partner has consented to. There is no "should" when it comes to what happens in relationships.
When entering into a Dom/sub relationship, the Dom should be assessing what your needs are as a submissive. This assessment helps him determine if he is able to give you what you need and if you are willing to give him what he needs.
Ok, I can't actually find fault with this line of reasoning, except as it applies to everything else above.
No matter how you look at it, submissive people are broken, and before anyone jumps on their soap box I will say this is not a bad thing.
*Trots out high horse, soap boxes are for wussies*
Bullshit, uninformed blog writer with an extremely skewed and unflattering view of submissives.
Submissives are broken because they can’t function to the best of their ability without a Dom.
Oh, FFS!
This line of tripe again... Some PEOPLE have a hard time functioning at full capacity without someone else there to back them up. This is not a trait shared only by those who identify as submissive, nor is it something only submissives suffer from.
Some cannot handle the responsibility of Money management or bill paying, so they are always broke or in a really bad place financially. Some cannot seem to manage their time properly, some are overly selfish and cannot be responsible in doing what needs to be done and not what they want to do for their own selfish needs. Some abuse alcohol or drugs to escape their troubles in life which just causes more issues in their life, a never ending cycle. Some don’t take the risks they need to in order to succeed, and some just sit on the sidelines and just watch life pass them by.
D-types suffer from these as well.
Some s-types manage their relationship's finances as a service because they're better with money than their dominant partner.
Some s-types act as their dom's executive assistant, planning his day, reminding him of appointments, ensuring he's on time.
Some dominants are pretty selfish people- Or have you just not been on Fetlife any time in the past 6 years?
Some dominants have addiction issues or use other forms of escapism.
Some are life's wall flowers.
Nothing in this paragraph of stupid is a trait that afflicts only submissives. These are problems anybody can have, no matter what their label.
In short, the submissive is not living up to her full potential and sadly never will because she does not have the ability to make the changes she needs to make (otherwise she wouldn’t be in this position in her life).
Again, you're taking problems any person can have and saying that they only afflict one specific segment of the population- Complete and utter BS.
A submissive needs someone to do this for her, to take control of these “problems” in her life and do what needs to be done to help fix the issues. This is where the Dom steps in … the true Dom will be able to recognize the issues and build a plan in order to resolve them. When I say resolve, do not take that as a definition for “fix permanently”, because it rarely happens. A submissive is “broken” for a reason, it is not something that can be fixed with 2 months or years of work.
What I mean by “fixing” the issue is the Dom is the fix, his control is the fix. If you have issues paying your bills on time or are always too broke to function in life, the Dom steps in and controls that. For example, if you are always spending your money buying everything you want but know you can’t afford, the Dom steps in and puts a stop to that. The Dom gives you an allowance or a set budget, the Dom approves or denies your every purchase. The Dom steps up and helps you stay in control, the Dom is essentially the “fix” for your problem. Even after time, if you remove the Dom, the sub will usually revert (in some form) back to the way things were because the “fix” for the issue is no longer there, the control.
A) No. If a person has these issues they need to pull on their grown-up undies and sort their own shit out.
B) Expecting someone to fix your shit for you is immature and selfish in the extreme.
C) Nobody is obligated to carry the burden of another person's problems unless they choose to.
D) Dominants are not obligated to do any of this without first consenting to it, especially if they have no interest in a partner who is a "fixer-upper."
No two subs are the same so there is no one way to fix everything but the true Dom will be able to figure out a plan and implement it no matter what the issues are.
Unless he has no interest in that. Not all dominants want to take responsibility for a grown adult who should be taking responsibility for their own lives and problems. Someone who is unwilling to shoulder that burden is no less true than someone who is.
The Dom will become the submissive’s control point, the control she needs in order to grow and live up to her full potential. What it all comes down to in the end is Control … the control, the Dom’s control is the fix and this fits in with my other topic of writing about why the Dom needs to be in control of his own life first before ever attempting to control the life of another person.
A Dominant should be everything the submissive needs him to be … in order to help her become everything she can be …
No, no, no.
Adults need to be in control of themselves, period.
If you cannot control yourself, how can you submit?
If you can't control yourself how can you hope to control someone else?
Ugh. This tripe (which is an insult to tripe everywhere) is making my head hurt.
So the submissive should be … everything the Dom wants her to be, to show the appreciation for him being everything she needs him to be …
Why does this feel like Grade A manipulation?
no matter what, Dom/sub is give and take and it has to be in order for it to function properly. A sub should always appreciate and remind herself of everything the Dom is doing for her by being the “fix” for her issues and the Dom should always appreciate that they sub is giving him that control and is offering him what he wants, her ultimate submission.
Oh. Because it is.
In exchange for all that fixing the d-type now gets to expect (and receive) everything his domly little heart could require. And why do I get the feeling that shows of the submissive's appreciation would include doing things on her hard limit list for this guy?
When it’s all said and done, both should be everything the other needs them to be.
No.
When all is said and done, both partner should be exactly what they've agreed to be.
If the dominant partner has not agreed to be his submissive's life coach, therapist, day planner, financial service expert, administrative assistant, teacher, dog walker, father figure... HE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE.
Having no interest in being an enabler does not make him untrue, it makes him incompatible with a submissive who is looking for that in her partner. That's it.
Ugh. Who knew you guys had it so rough?
I feel bad for you all.
BTW subs- D/s is NOT therapy. If you have issues you know you need help with? Hire a therapist. Employ a life coach. Don't expect some poor schmuck with a title to fix the issues you're unwilling to fix yourself. Tat's unfair to him and a recipe for relationship disaster for you both.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Risk, Safety, and Being a Rape Apologist. (TW)
I'm confused.
Seriously. I'm sitting on my couch scratching my head and having a "whatha?" moment... Or hour, because I've been turning this thing over for close to an hour now, trying to make sense of it. Hell, every time I see it happen I try to make sense of it and I just can't.
And I know right now that no matter how carefully I word this it's not going to come out quite right- Apologies for that in advance.
Also- This may be triggery for some folks. I'm going to write about rape.
Ok, so here's the thing that's bugging me:
If you go somewhere, like a bar at night, you pretty much know that there's a risk-
Someone might try to mug you as you walk to your car or walk home.
Someone might steal your purse or wallet in the crowd.
You might get too inebriated to drive safely...
Shit happens and we all know that it happens, we're not dummies.
So, we do things to mitigate those risks. We go to the bar with a designated driver, money for a cab, and a herd of friends to keep an eye out for the muggers and purse-wallet snatchers. And if we have to walk home or to our car we try to be aware of our surroundings, we might drink less to help us remain more alert to potential threats. It's just common sense. Bad shit happens, we do what we can to avoid it. Better safe than sorry.
Nobody gets rabid over the idea that if you go to the bar, your shit might get stolen, so you should watch out for yourself or have friends around to watch out for each other. Right?
Replace mugging with rape though and the entire internet goes batshit crazy.
That's the thing I don't understand: When someone suggests that there are things a person can do to mitigate risk, common sense things that are often used to mitigate risk for other bad shit, folks go nuts.
They throw screaming fits at the mere idea that a person (most commonly a woman) should even think about risk or need to employ tactics to mitigate those risks...
I don't understand the difference.
Risk- We all know that walking down a dark alley at night, alone, is a bad idea. Muggers hide in dark alleys at night.
Solution- Don't walk alone in dark alleys at night.
The internet nods its collective head in understanding.
Risk- We all know that walking down a dark alley at night, alone, is a bad idea. Rapists hide in dark alleys at night.
Solution- Don't walk alone in dark alleys at night.
The internet pitches a fit.
"A woman has a right to walk down a dark alley at night, alone, without getting raped!"
"You're a rape apologist for suggesting that it's a woman's fault if she's raped while walking down a dark alley at night!"
"I shouldn't have to avoid dark alleys at night! You're an ass for suggesting that I should! Ass!"
"In a perfect world dark alleys would be safe."
In the second scenario there's no blame, there's no suggestion that the rapist is in the right or the victim did something wrong, there's just a statement of fact (a certain place has the potential to be dangerous) and a solution (avoid that place).
We all know that there are certain situations where we're more vulnerable to violence or bad shit happening, where every single person on the face of the planet no matter what their gender faces a greater risk, we all accept that there are things we can do to decrease our risk... So why in this one instance, when there is a risk and people try to discuss how to decrease risk, is it such a terrible thing?
Hell, we give the same suggestions in the Kinkyverse (because shady Doms are shady) that are often heard in rape avoidance advice:
Don't meet a new person alone. Take a friend or meet somewhere public.
Don't play with someone you don't trust or who doesn't come with glowing references from someone you do trust.
Don't move too fast, take your time, get to know the person you want to play or have a relationship with.
Don't drink and play, alcohol screws with your nervous system and you could get hurt.
And everybody accepts that advice as solid common sense because it is.
I really don't understand why having a conversation geared towards trying to mitigate risk in situations that can be dangerous is ever a bad thing.
"Drinking too much decreases your ability to recognize danger."
"Drinking too much may make you an easy target."
"Drinking too much affects your ability to protect yourself."
Applied to mugging- That's cool. We'll just drink less and not give muggers an easy target.
Applied to rape- "OMG! Are you suggesting she deserved it if she drank too much? Are you saying it's OK for someone to rape her? Are you, are you, are you??? You suck!"
What makes one thing different from the other? It's the same idea no matter what the risk- Drink less, lower your risk of being targeted for violence. No blame, no fault, just a statement based on facts that can be used to increase personal safety in a shitty world.
Why don't people want that conversation to happen?
We discuss safety in other potentially dangerous situations like rational adults- What's different about this discussion? Seriously, what's different?
If you offer tips on decreasing the chance of a home invasion happening- Lock your doors and windows, leave a light on, buy an alarm system and/or a big dog with a big bark- Nobody comes along and starts screaming that you're blaming the victims of home invasion if they haven't taken these precautions. Nobody accuses you of supporting burglary by offering tips to avoid having your home burgled. Nobody suggests that you're making excuses for the burglar.
No, we nod in understanding, lock our doors, leave a light on, and adopt a dog. We recognize the risk and make moves to mitigate the risk.
And this is why my mind has been boggling for the past hour or so.
Can someone help me understand why discussing safety in this context is so damn horrible?
Seriously. I'm sitting on my couch scratching my head and having a "whatha?" moment... Or hour, because I've been turning this thing over for close to an hour now, trying to make sense of it. Hell, every time I see it happen I try to make sense of it and I just can't.
And I know right now that no matter how carefully I word this it's not going to come out quite right- Apologies for that in advance.
Also- This may be triggery for some folks. I'm going to write about rape.
Ok, so here's the thing that's bugging me:
If you go somewhere, like a bar at night, you pretty much know that there's a risk-
Someone might try to mug you as you walk to your car or walk home.
Someone might steal your purse or wallet in the crowd.
You might get too inebriated to drive safely...
Shit happens and we all know that it happens, we're not dummies.
So, we do things to mitigate those risks. We go to the bar with a designated driver, money for a cab, and a herd of friends to keep an eye out for the muggers and purse-wallet snatchers. And if we have to walk home or to our car we try to be aware of our surroundings, we might drink less to help us remain more alert to potential threats. It's just common sense. Bad shit happens, we do what we can to avoid it. Better safe than sorry.
Nobody gets rabid over the idea that if you go to the bar, your shit might get stolen, so you should watch out for yourself or have friends around to watch out for each other. Right?
Replace mugging with rape though and the entire internet goes batshit crazy.
That's the thing I don't understand: When someone suggests that there are things a person can do to mitigate risk, common sense things that are often used to mitigate risk for other bad shit, folks go nuts.
They throw screaming fits at the mere idea that a person (most commonly a woman) should even think about risk or need to employ tactics to mitigate those risks...
I don't understand the difference.
Risk- We all know that walking down a dark alley at night, alone, is a bad idea. Muggers hide in dark alleys at night.
Solution- Don't walk alone in dark alleys at night.
The internet nods its collective head in understanding.
Risk- We all know that walking down a dark alley at night, alone, is a bad idea. Rapists hide in dark alleys at night.
Solution- Don't walk alone in dark alleys at night.
The internet pitches a fit.
"A woman has a right to walk down a dark alley at night, alone, without getting raped!"
"You're a rape apologist for suggesting that it's a woman's fault if she's raped while walking down a dark alley at night!"
"I shouldn't have to avoid dark alleys at night! You're an ass for suggesting that I should! Ass!"
"In a perfect world dark alleys would be safe."
In the second scenario there's no blame, there's no suggestion that the rapist is in the right or the victim did something wrong, there's just a statement of fact (a certain place has the potential to be dangerous) and a solution (avoid that place).
We all know that there are certain situations where we're more vulnerable to violence or bad shit happening, where every single person on the face of the planet no matter what their gender faces a greater risk, we all accept that there are things we can do to decrease our risk... So why in this one instance, when there is a risk and people try to discuss how to decrease risk, is it such a terrible thing?
Hell, we give the same suggestions in the Kinkyverse (because shady Doms are shady) that are often heard in rape avoidance advice:
Don't meet a new person alone. Take a friend or meet somewhere public.
Don't play with someone you don't trust or who doesn't come with glowing references from someone you do trust.
Don't move too fast, take your time, get to know the person you want to play or have a relationship with.
Don't drink and play, alcohol screws with your nervous system and you could get hurt.
And everybody accepts that advice as solid common sense because it is.
I really don't understand why having a conversation geared towards trying to mitigate risk in situations that can be dangerous is ever a bad thing.
"Drinking too much decreases your ability to recognize danger."
"Drinking too much may make you an easy target."
"Drinking too much affects your ability to protect yourself."
Applied to mugging- That's cool. We'll just drink less and not give muggers an easy target.
Applied to rape- "OMG! Are you suggesting she deserved it if she drank too much? Are you saying it's OK for someone to rape her? Are you, are you, are you??? You suck!"
What makes one thing different from the other? It's the same idea no matter what the risk- Drink less, lower your risk of being targeted for violence. No blame, no fault, just a statement based on facts that can be used to increase personal safety in a shitty world.
Why don't people want that conversation to happen?
We discuss safety in other potentially dangerous situations like rational adults- What's different about this discussion? Seriously, what's different?
If you offer tips on decreasing the chance of a home invasion happening- Lock your doors and windows, leave a light on, buy an alarm system and/or a big dog with a big bark- Nobody comes along and starts screaming that you're blaming the victims of home invasion if they haven't taken these precautions. Nobody accuses you of supporting burglary by offering tips to avoid having your home burgled. Nobody suggests that you're making excuses for the burglar.
No, we nod in understanding, lock our doors, leave a light on, and adopt a dog. We recognize the risk and make moves to mitigate the risk.
And this is why my mind has been boggling for the past hour or so.
Can someone help me understand why discussing safety in this context is so damn horrible?
Monday, November 17, 2014
Christian Grey Vs. Cookie
Somewhere else, someone started a discussion titled "Christian Grey Vs. The Real Thing." It was mostly about super uber serious stuff, and since I've had enough serious business today to last me for the next month or so, I figured I would amuse myself. And it's a good thing I'll be amused because it's probable that nobody else will be.
Meh.
Consider that fair warning.
Christian Grey-
Multi Squjillionaire. Makes more money in a minute than I could spend in a day. Owns and runs his own business, all CEO-like. Does charity shit.
Cookie-
Not a multi squajillionaire. Not even close. Doesn't even aspire to make the Top 10 Multi Squajillionaire list. Miserable retail slave. Puts cash in the Bell Ringers' buckets, fire fighter's boots at intersections, has been known to buy poppies from veterans.
Christian Grey-
Has a fancy car. Owns buildings for businesses, multiple houses, and could buy more on a whim (and does). Lots of fancy, expensive shit going on here.
Cookie-
Has a Buick (it's a very nice Buick). Almost owns one home. Could probably buy a very nice pup tent on a whim. No fanciness here.
Christian Grey-
Buys What's-Her-Face jewelry, an entire wardrobe, a new car, first edition books, a laptop, and probably more shit because he's a multi squajillionaire.
Cookie-
Buys me Cadbury Eggs, books by the dozen at Salvation Army, and a puppy. Also bought me a pretty ring and has been known to give in to my begging for sexy time toys on occasion.
Christian Grey-
Has a helicopter and private jet. Can fly a glider.
Cookie-
Knows how to fly my remote control dragonfly.
Christian Grey-
Supposedly insanely handsome, also insane.
Cookie-
Nommier than a chocolate bar during girl time. Sane.
Christian Grey-
Has more baggage than an airport at the holidays.
Cookie-
Has some baggage, but it's nothing that couldn't fit in an overhead compartment or under the seat. Maybe in a glove box.
Christian Grey-
Has a dungeon.
Cookie-
Does not.
Christian Grey-
Has an iffy understanding of boundaries, limits, healthy relationships, and consent. Kinda creepy stalkery. Borders on abusive behavior at time. Off the charts control freak.
Cookie-
Well adjusted, awesome human being.
Christian Grey-
Some bored vanilla chick's idea of a "Dominant." Purely fictional, does not exist.
Cookie-
Is the Domly One of a well informed, smart kinkster who actually has a clue. Real person (unless I'm nuts and he's a figment of my imagination, but I don't think I am).
And the winner in this epic battle of the Doms?
Cookie!
Yay, Cookie!
Though seriously, I'm really rather sick and tired of the whole broken rich guy waiting to be saved thing. It's been done to death and then done a bit more because chicks seem to dig it. I don't know why. Money makes shit easier for sure, but it doesn't buy happiness and it sure as hell doesn't make up for the amount of crazy these fictional D-type guys sport.
Ugh. I'm going to bed now. Writing stuff like this lets me know just how tired I really am (even if I don't feel tired).
Meh.
Consider that fair warning.
Christian Grey-
Multi Squjillionaire. Makes more money in a minute than I could spend in a day. Owns and runs his own business, all CEO-like. Does charity shit.
Cookie-
Not a multi squajillionaire. Not even close. Doesn't even aspire to make the Top 10 Multi Squajillionaire list. Miserable retail slave. Puts cash in the Bell Ringers' buckets, fire fighter's boots at intersections, has been known to buy poppies from veterans.
Christian Grey-
Has a fancy car. Owns buildings for businesses, multiple houses, and could buy more on a whim (and does). Lots of fancy, expensive shit going on here.
Cookie-
Has a Buick (it's a very nice Buick). Almost owns one home. Could probably buy a very nice pup tent on a whim. No fanciness here.
Christian Grey-
Buys What's-Her-Face jewelry, an entire wardrobe, a new car, first edition books, a laptop, and probably more shit because he's a multi squajillionaire.
Cookie-
Buys me Cadbury Eggs, books by the dozen at Salvation Army, and a puppy. Also bought me a pretty ring and has been known to give in to my begging for sexy time toys on occasion.
Christian Grey-
Has a helicopter and private jet. Can fly a glider.
Cookie-
Knows how to fly my remote control dragonfly.
Christian Grey-
Supposedly insanely handsome, also insane.
Cookie-
Nommier than a chocolate bar during girl time. Sane.
Christian Grey-
Has more baggage than an airport at the holidays.
Cookie-
Has some baggage, but it's nothing that couldn't fit in an overhead compartment or under the seat. Maybe in a glove box.
Christian Grey-
Has a dungeon.
Cookie-
Does not.
Christian Grey-
Has an iffy understanding of boundaries, limits, healthy relationships, and consent. Kinda creepy stalkery. Borders on abusive behavior at time. Off the charts control freak.
Cookie-
Well adjusted, awesome human being.
Christian Grey-
Some bored vanilla chick's idea of a "Dominant." Purely fictional, does not exist.
Cookie-
Is the Domly One of a well informed, smart kinkster who actually has a clue. Real person (unless I'm nuts and he's a figment of my imagination, but I don't think I am).
And the winner in this epic battle of the Doms?
Cookie!
Yay, Cookie!
Though seriously, I'm really rather sick and tired of the whole broken rich guy waiting to be saved thing. It's been done to death and then done a bit more because chicks seem to dig it. I don't know why. Money makes shit easier for sure, but it doesn't buy happiness and it sure as hell doesn't make up for the amount of crazy these fictional D-type guys sport.
Ugh. I'm going to bed now. Writing stuff like this lets me know just how tired I really am (even if I don't feel tired).
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Where I go on a ranty bender about responsibility, presonal responsibility, and consent.
You might not be ready to take on being a dominant/top if you cannot own the responsibility that comes with your privilege.
Fair enough, but what responsibility is that exactly? Isn't that something to be determined by all parties involved in a scene or relationship? I mean, not everybody wants to assume the same amount of responsibility for another person, right? I know that Cookie certainly wouldn't want to have 100% responsibility for my actions or feelings or whatever.
And privilege? Seriously? It's a relationship between two (or more) people that requires work on all their parts. Hopefully BOTH parties feel that it's a privilege to be in a relationship with the other person.
There is something very evil about a person who violates the consent of a bottom. It isn’t right to violate anyone’s consent, of course. Ever. But there is something much more callous, sick, and cowardly about violating a bottom’s consent, and here is why:
Erm... NO.
Violating someone's consent or trust is pretty much all around, equally horrible.
You want to talk about evil? Let's talk about the people who abuse the small helpless things entrusted to their care. Abusing something helpless is about as evil as it gets.
When a parent abuses a child, it is never the child’s fault
Now, I am not saying that BDSM is like the parent/child dynamic in all ways. Nor am I saying that bottoms are like children. However, the reason why it is never the child’s fault when a parent abuses or neglects the child is because the parent has taken on responsibility for the child’s life, and the child is in a vulnerable and delicate place.
Like this, in a scene, a bottom has trusted you to take care of them -- for a short while. Or for the duration of a relationship, if you have an on-going D/s dynamic.
Um, what?
You're equating consent violations (all of them, even the accidental sorts) with child abuse? This is starting to reek of a strawman argument. It's quite hyperbolic.
There is a world of difference between a child, who really is a helpless being and an adult person who ought to be able to take responsibility for their own well-being and safety. And who, by the by, is capable of leaving. A kid can't just up and go when they feel unsafe, and adult can.
Sex/play is a vulnerable situation to begin with. Compound that with taking the bottom role, and the bottom is in a place of needing a top who can step up to the responsibility. A relationship requires placing a lot of trust in someone, but a D/s relationship requires even more trust.
Poppycock.
BDSM requires no more trust than any other relationship. Do you trust your vanilla partner not to harm you? There you go. Same level of trust, right there.
When in bondage, a bottom does not have an ability to fight back physically (or it is very hampered, depending how secure your bondage is).
And this is why safe words, safe signals, or plain English communication of a problem are vital. If someone cannot safe word, safe signal, or use plain English to communicate that they are in trouble they should NOT be playing unless the top or dominant has been made aware of these issues and has specifically consented to the extra responsibility these issues will require.
Also- If you're concerned about needing to be able to fight back because you're not sure you'll be safe? Don't play with that person.
During a pain play scene, your bottom is trusting you to hurt them but do no harm, to know what you are doing, to not use the pain and endorphins raised to take advantage or manipulate. During a D/s (power exchange) dynamic, even if it is only for a few hours, your bottom is trusting you to make the best decisions for them and to be able to follow your instructions.
And none of that means that they are suddenly rendered incapable of making wise decisions or taking responsibility for their own well being.
Also- Trusting someone else to make sound decisions does not equal abdicating responsibility for your own well being. Trust all you want, but when things go south you NEED to be able to stop play or end the relationship or at the very least have a conversation about any concern you may have.
For this reason, and this reason only, it is the top’s job to own 100% of the responsibility of the scene, always.
Bullshit.
It is NEVER anybody else's responsibility to care more for your own safety than you do. EVER.
That's about as stupid as saying "Sure, go swerve all over the highway at 80 miles an hour- Everybody else should be looking out for you so don't worry about looking out for yourself."
Gah!
Now, that doesn’t mean the bottom can’t step up and choose to own some of the responsibility themselves. And it’s wonderful when they do. But if the bottom cannot, or will not, the top must be willing to do so.
Again, bullshit.
If the bottom cannot or will not take responsibility for their own safety the top always has the ability to not consent to play with that person, because that person is a danger to themselves and others.
Like, it’s wonderful IF a young child is capable to make lunch or dinner a few times per week, but if the child can’t do that then the parent can’t let them go hungry those days. It’s wonderful if a young child can clean their own bedroom, but if they aren’t very good at it or don’t know how, the parent can’t go “wellp that’s YOUR bedroom” and leave rotting food and piles of junk everywhere.
The difference between a child and a responsible adult? An adult IS responsible for their own actions or lack thereof, there is no "if" here. By the time you're playing grown-up games, IF you can't act like a grown-up, DONT PLAY. It's pretty simple.
As the top, you must do your best to anticipate every possible thing that could go wrong with a scene and to own any mistakes you make.
And a bottom should be thinking about these things as well, what with them being an adult and all.
Additionally, it is at the sole discretion of the bottom to decide when their limits have been violated. The bottom is the one who sets the limits in play, and therefore, they are the only one who can judge when they have been trespassed.
Are we talking about intentional "I said X was a limit and they did X anyways" malicious consent violations?
Or are we talking about "I said X was ok but then I felt icky"
Or "I said X was a limit, but they forgot and did X"
Or "We didn't talk about X, they didn't know it was a limit and neither did I, but X happened and I feel icky"
Consent violations are one thing, accidents, miscommunication, bad luck, unexpected triggers, etc are a whole different kettle of fish- It might have been a good idea to point that out. Not every icky feeling, accident, of miscommunication is a consent violation
If a bottom tells you their limits have been violated, that doesn’t mean you have done anything intentionally, but that does not negate your responsibility in the situation.
Erm... If it's unintentional, where' the responsibility beyond saying "I'm sorry you feel that way"?
You must own this, like anything else that goes wrong in your scene. You must say, “Thank you so much for telling me. What do you want me to do, now? Do you need space, or want me to be involved in your recovery process? Do you feel comfortable to tell me how I should have handled things better?”
OR, much more logically you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. What can you do and what can I do to ensure that this does not happen again?" Because assuming the responsibility for the bottom's feelings will not actually solve the problem, asking the bottom if there is something that they can do to actively help themselves will have far more value than encouraging them to continue to abdicate responsibility for their feelings.
You will feel like shit, by the way. You will feel like you just kicked a puppy. Your heart will sink and you will feel like defending yourself. You have to control these immature responses, though, and remind yourself: I am the top. It is my job to own this, and do what I need to fix this. I am lucky that my bottom trusted me enough to tell me what I did wrong, so I have an opportunity to fix it and improve myself.
And where's the bottom's responsibility? If they did something to contribute to the fuck-up (like not safe word, or agree to something they were unsure of, or having a bad reaction to something they previously enjoyed, etc), how does it help them to assume all of the responsibility for their feelings?
It doesn't.
Maybe you did not mean to do it, but that does not absolve you of your duties. Intention means nothing, nothing at all. If you accidentally step over someone’s boundaries due to ignorance, negligence, or forgetfulness, you still have done harm to that person and you have an obligation to acknowledge that.
To acknowledge it? Yes.
To take responsibility for it no matter what the circumstances? No.
If you cannot do this -- if you cannot handle the responsibility of being a top, do not top.
If you cannot do this-- if you cannot take responsibility for your own well being and safety as a bottom, DO NOT bottom.
*********************************************************************************
And I'm sorry folks, but Every time one of these "Hey s-types and bottoms, it's perfectly A-OK for you to not take any responsibility for your role in a scene that accidentally went bad because the d-type should always be more responsible for your safety than you are" posts, it annoys the ever loving fuck out of me. I get all RAWR and ranty.
Fair enough, but what responsibility is that exactly? Isn't that something to be determined by all parties involved in a scene or relationship? I mean, not everybody wants to assume the same amount of responsibility for another person, right? I know that Cookie certainly wouldn't want to have 100% responsibility for my actions or feelings or whatever.
And privilege? Seriously? It's a relationship between two (or more) people that requires work on all their parts. Hopefully BOTH parties feel that it's a privilege to be in a relationship with the other person.
There is something very evil about a person who violates the consent of a bottom. It isn’t right to violate anyone’s consent, of course. Ever. But there is something much more callous, sick, and cowardly about violating a bottom’s consent, and here is why:
Erm... NO.
Violating someone's consent or trust is pretty much all around, equally horrible.
You want to talk about evil? Let's talk about the people who abuse the small helpless things entrusted to their care. Abusing something helpless is about as evil as it gets.
When a parent abuses a child, it is never the child’s fault
Now, I am not saying that BDSM is like the parent/child dynamic in all ways. Nor am I saying that bottoms are like children. However, the reason why it is never the child’s fault when a parent abuses or neglects the child is because the parent has taken on responsibility for the child’s life, and the child is in a vulnerable and delicate place.
Like this, in a scene, a bottom has trusted you to take care of them -- for a short while. Or for the duration of a relationship, if you have an on-going D/s dynamic.
Um, what?
You're equating consent violations (all of them, even the accidental sorts) with child abuse? This is starting to reek of a strawman argument. It's quite hyperbolic.
There is a world of difference between a child, who really is a helpless being and an adult person who ought to be able to take responsibility for their own well-being and safety. And who, by the by, is capable of leaving. A kid can't just up and go when they feel unsafe, and adult can.
Sex/play is a vulnerable situation to begin with. Compound that with taking the bottom role, and the bottom is in a place of needing a top who can step up to the responsibility. A relationship requires placing a lot of trust in someone, but a D/s relationship requires even more trust.
Poppycock.
BDSM requires no more trust than any other relationship. Do you trust your vanilla partner not to harm you? There you go. Same level of trust, right there.
When in bondage, a bottom does not have an ability to fight back physically (or it is very hampered, depending how secure your bondage is).
And this is why safe words, safe signals, or plain English communication of a problem are vital. If someone cannot safe word, safe signal, or use plain English to communicate that they are in trouble they should NOT be playing unless the top or dominant has been made aware of these issues and has specifically consented to the extra responsibility these issues will require.
Also- If you're concerned about needing to be able to fight back because you're not sure you'll be safe? Don't play with that person.
During a pain play scene, your bottom is trusting you to hurt them but do no harm, to know what you are doing, to not use the pain and endorphins raised to take advantage or manipulate. During a D/s (power exchange) dynamic, even if it is only for a few hours, your bottom is trusting you to make the best decisions for them and to be able to follow your instructions.
And none of that means that they are suddenly rendered incapable of making wise decisions or taking responsibility for their own well being.
Also- Trusting someone else to make sound decisions does not equal abdicating responsibility for your own well being. Trust all you want, but when things go south you NEED to be able to stop play or end the relationship or at the very least have a conversation about any concern you may have.
For this reason, and this reason only, it is the top’s job to own 100% of the responsibility of the scene, always.
Bullshit.
It is NEVER anybody else's responsibility to care more for your own safety than you do. EVER.
That's about as stupid as saying "Sure, go swerve all over the highway at 80 miles an hour- Everybody else should be looking out for you so don't worry about looking out for yourself."
Gah!
Now, that doesn’t mean the bottom can’t step up and choose to own some of the responsibility themselves. And it’s wonderful when they do. But if the bottom cannot, or will not, the top must be willing to do so.
Again, bullshit.
If the bottom cannot or will not take responsibility for their own safety the top always has the ability to not consent to play with that person, because that person is a danger to themselves and others.
Like, it’s wonderful IF a young child is capable to make lunch or dinner a few times per week, but if the child can’t do that then the parent can’t let them go hungry those days. It’s wonderful if a young child can clean their own bedroom, but if they aren’t very good at it or don’t know how, the parent can’t go “wellp that’s YOUR bedroom” and leave rotting food and piles of junk everywhere.
The difference between a child and a responsible adult? An adult IS responsible for their own actions or lack thereof, there is no "if" here. By the time you're playing grown-up games, IF you can't act like a grown-up, DONT PLAY. It's pretty simple.
As the top, you must do your best to anticipate every possible thing that could go wrong with a scene and to own any mistakes you make.
And a bottom should be thinking about these things as well, what with them being an adult and all.
Additionally, it is at the sole discretion of the bottom to decide when their limits have been violated. The bottom is the one who sets the limits in play, and therefore, they are the only one who can judge when they have been trespassed.
Are we talking about intentional "I said X was a limit and they did X anyways" malicious consent violations?
Or are we talking about "I said X was ok but then I felt icky"
Or "I said X was a limit, but they forgot and did X"
Or "We didn't talk about X, they didn't know it was a limit and neither did I, but X happened and I feel icky"
Consent violations are one thing, accidents, miscommunication, bad luck, unexpected triggers, etc are a whole different kettle of fish- It might have been a good idea to point that out. Not every icky feeling, accident, of miscommunication is a consent violation
If a bottom tells you their limits have been violated, that doesn’t mean you have done anything intentionally, but that does not negate your responsibility in the situation.
Erm... If it's unintentional, where' the responsibility beyond saying "I'm sorry you feel that way"?
You must own this, like anything else that goes wrong in your scene. You must say, “Thank you so much for telling me. What do you want me to do, now? Do you need space, or want me to be involved in your recovery process? Do you feel comfortable to tell me how I should have handled things better?”
OR, much more logically you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. What can you do and what can I do to ensure that this does not happen again?" Because assuming the responsibility for the bottom's feelings will not actually solve the problem, asking the bottom if there is something that they can do to actively help themselves will have far more value than encouraging them to continue to abdicate responsibility for their feelings.
You will feel like shit, by the way. You will feel like you just kicked a puppy. Your heart will sink and you will feel like defending yourself. You have to control these immature responses, though, and remind yourself: I am the top. It is my job to own this, and do what I need to fix this. I am lucky that my bottom trusted me enough to tell me what I did wrong, so I have an opportunity to fix it and improve myself.
And where's the bottom's responsibility? If they did something to contribute to the fuck-up (like not safe word, or agree to something they were unsure of, or having a bad reaction to something they previously enjoyed, etc), how does it help them to assume all of the responsibility for their feelings?
It doesn't.
Maybe you did not mean to do it, but that does not absolve you of your duties. Intention means nothing, nothing at all. If you accidentally step over someone’s boundaries due to ignorance, negligence, or forgetfulness, you still have done harm to that person and you have an obligation to acknowledge that.
To acknowledge it? Yes.
To take responsibility for it no matter what the circumstances? No.
If you cannot do this -- if you cannot handle the responsibility of being a top, do not top.
If you cannot do this-- if you cannot take responsibility for your own well being and safety as a bottom, DO NOT bottom.
*********************************************************************************
And I'm sorry folks, but Every time one of these "Hey s-types and bottoms, it's perfectly A-OK for you to not take any responsibility for your role in a scene that accidentally went bad because the d-type should always be more responsible for your safety than you are" posts, it annoys the ever loving fuck out of me. I get all RAWR and ranty.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
There's a DimDom in my Inbox. Ew.
Sometimes the DimDoms, whose failure at reading profiles (especially the about me, looking for, and relationship status bits) has bee well documented decide that it's a good idea to message me. I don't know why they'd think this, but sometimes it can be fun to see where their derpy conversation goes... This one, yeah. I don't know about this one.
..................................................................................................................................................................
My thoughts look like this.
Cookie was kind enough to let me use his profile to egg on the derpy DimDom.
hey babygirlie
babygirlie? WTF? This guy does realize I'm 11 years older than he is, right? He had to at least have checked that bit in my profile.
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
what will it take for you to blow me?
Nothing You could ever hope to possess, twit.. But seeing as this could be good for some amusement I won't block you just yet.
Me
Well, I guess I'd have to have some interest in blowing you, which I don't, so...
Better luck elsewhere.
Oh look! I can be nice-ish, even to twits. What's he going to come back with?
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
What if i told you all about me and we got to know each other? im a nice man im just very lonely in the girl department, and i find you pretty, itd be nice for a fantasy to be a reality one time.
Seriously? Did he really just play the "But I'm A Pathetic Nice Guy" card? Man, saddest game EVAR. Does that even work? Has there ever been some chick who's just felt soooo bad for the derp that she says, "Oh, you poor derp. I feel bad for your lack of lady-getting skills and I will now grant you a pity beej"?
Me
Tell you what- Feel free to message my Dominant (he's on here BTW, listed right at the top of my profile right next to "Married to" and "monogamous with" and "owned by").
If you can get him to agree to let me put my mouth on another man's cock, then we'll talk.
Subtle, but not too subtle... I mean, "monogamous" is RIGHT THERE. He'll get it, right? Maybe? Nobody can be that derpy.
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
Ok- i will talk to him and if he gives permission then ill write back, ok? i need a good blowjob and i bet you do it well.
Guess not. But this could be interesting... Let's see what he says to "Cookie."
...To Hubby Man:
The part of Cookie will be played by Squeaky today, as Cookie is too busy working to deal with the derp.
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
cookies squeaky, is a nice looking girl, i went to talk with her and she seems nice, but told me she is in a mono relationship so cant see others. All i want is a nice blowjob and im a nice friendly guy and she tol dme if she had your permission she'd happily do it.
I was thinking we could meet at a nice casino or something eat/listen to music then I will use her mouth for a little bit, if she has any limits id respect them, what you think? you ok with her doing it?
Wait, I said what?
*Scrolls up...*
No, I did not say that, or anything close to that... But this does give me an excellent opportunity to see if the "nice guy" is really nice, or not.
The Hubby 34M
Flint, Michigan
I think My sub and I are going to have to have a little "talk" when I get home about what monogamous means and how her mouth isn't for anybody's junk but Mine.
But thanks for bringing it to My attention that I need to correct her behavior ASAP.
Cookie
Ooo... The "big mean domly dom card." Any person with at least a modicum of empathy would feel bad if they got someone in trouble. Will there be back peddling?
...To Husband Man:
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
Well maybe a good punishment willl be to abuse her throat, give it a good pounding and tie her arms and force her to take it, she needs it done to her. Im sorry for getting you upset and asking, its a shame i cant use her mouth lol.
I wish i could even watch her suck you off on skype though? let me knoe
Nope. This dood's pleased that he's potentially gotten someone in trouble by blatantly lying about what they said? Wow... Just, wow.
...And back to me:
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
oh u about to be in deep water when he comes home. yepppp
sigh... Yep, he's a Real & True "Nice Guy(tm)"
Me
Or, far more likely, he's going to come home, we're going to laugh about the moron who was too stupid to understand the concept of monogamy, and then we'll fuck like rabid bunnies. Seriously. Did you honestly think that there was any chance in hell that he'd be all "Sure man, go ahead and get a beej from my wife"? Or that I'd actually do it? Tool.
But hey, thanks for giving us some great fodder for a group that totally enjoys messages from inept kinksters and the inept kinksers who send that sort of shit.
Yeah, there's a group for mocking this sort of thing, but it's like Fight Club. We're not supposed to talk about it.
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
what the hell is that group? can u show me at least lol?
btw quit actin like im this big bad clown, i saw a girl i asked for some head, its what u kinda girls are into and do on the reg. are you in denial or something lol?
Girls like me? Oh, he must mean "girls in crappy porn and erotica". And "denial"? WTF? Because I'm in a monogamous relationship? Is this some sort of convoluted "You're a fake sub" line?
Me
Huh. You lie to my husband, gloat about thinking you've gotten me in trouble, and I'm supposed to do something for you...
That's funny.
Oh, and BTW, girls like me? We don't fuck clowns. Maybe if you stopped acting like one you'd see more action.
Fucking clown.
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
you clearly are in for a rude awakening you got NO CLUE. you dont know your place in life and you dont realise how used you are getting by that guy you call a husband, i feel bad for you now
No clue AND I'm being used... I'll be sure to tell Husband man that after he gets done with his 13 hour day working to support his wife and family. Yep. Poor Cookie probably had no clue that he's supposed to let derps use me because if he doesn't then he's using me... Wait, what? Ow, my brain.
Me
Now that's just sad. Almost as sad as that pitiful "I'm a nice guy who can't get my dick sucked" game you tried to run.
Clown boy- I've been doing this relationship and kink thing since you were in grade school. You want to see someone who doesn't have a clue, go find a mirror because it sure as hell isn't me.
I bet he's going to start in with the derogatory name calling soon, it's pretty much his only option by now.
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
yah your insults really turn me down i mean, you cant even think and act for yourself. You need to find a "man" to order you around, to tell you what to do, you live and depend on a guy, yeah you are a STRONG MINDED CHICK? LOL PLZ. hes got you pegged girl. sad sad, 1 day ull wakeup.
Oh, close. He had to go with how "weak" submissive women are. And an insult to my relationship and Cookie's ethical compass... I think there are bonus points for that on my derpy DimDom BINGO card...
Me
And your blatantly inaccurate assumptions about my life are making me laugh. A lot. Keep it up, eventually you might say something I haven't already heard 100 times before.
...And that's the last I heard from him.
Until, like a bad sequel, he returned to pester Husband Man...
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
your bitch told me to work out plans with you, whats a good hotel i can meet you guys at?
Come on now, that's just sad guy. Give up already. You HAVE to know by now that we're talking about this to each other. You can't be THAT stupid, can you?
The Hubby 34M
Flint, Michigan
LOL.
She did? Interesting, because I can't recall her saying that in any of the messages she exchanged with you (which I read, by the way).
You bore me.
I am bored, bored I say!
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
ok heres what happened, we talked on the phone, then she blocked me to make it look like she hates me but we are working something out. Dont worry im not gonna do nothin bad to her, just use her mouth thats it .
keep not trusting your loved one real solid relationship there man.
keep controllin her ur a strong real man Lollllll
Huh? "keep not trusting me"? What's he talking about? I don't understand!!! We're talking to each other about this RIGHT NOW. Where's the lack of trust in that?
The Hubby34M
Flint, Michigan
More boring, unimaginative tripe. But I expected no less.
Shoo! You have now outlived your usefulness as a tool for our amusement. We no longer require your services, as lame as they were.
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
nice comeback man. lets find out if you are weak like your girl and block, or maybe ull do that after i show you the pictures of me and her together? i mean she said she needed a real man
Oh, I see what happened there. He got "man" and "clown" confused... Poor thing.
The Hubby34M
Flint, Michigan
Ok. Send me pictures. Make sure to get the tattoo on her thigh in them so I know it's her though.
Otherwise I'd be inclined to think that you're just a sad, pathetic little man with nothing better to do than tell blatantly obvious lies in an effort to stroke his own ego.
A) I don't have a tattoo on my thigh.
B) Pretty sure I already think that. Probably because it's pretty obvious.
And then I blocked him on Cookie's account. The derp was amusing for a bit, but like most derp it gets old fast.
..................................................................................................................................................................
My thoughts look like this.
Cookie was kind enough to let me use his profile to egg on the derpy DimDom.
hey babygirlie
babygirlie? WTF? This guy does realize I'm 11 years older than he is, right? He had to at least have checked that bit in my profile.
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
what will it take for you to blow me?
Nothing You could ever hope to possess, twit.. But seeing as this could be good for some amusement I won't block you just yet.
Me
Well, I guess I'd have to have some interest in blowing you, which I don't, so...
Better luck elsewhere.
Oh look! I can be nice-ish, even to twits. What's he going to come back with?
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
What if i told you all about me and we got to know each other? im a nice man im just very lonely in the girl department, and i find you pretty, itd be nice for a fantasy to be a reality one time.
Seriously? Did he really just play the "But I'm A Pathetic Nice Guy" card? Man, saddest game EVAR. Does that even work? Has there ever been some chick who's just felt soooo bad for the derp that she says, "Oh, you poor derp. I feel bad for your lack of lady-getting skills and I will now grant you a pity beej"?
Me
Tell you what- Feel free to message my Dominant (he's on here BTW, listed right at the top of my profile right next to "Married to" and "monogamous with" and "owned by").
If you can get him to agree to let me put my mouth on another man's cock, then we'll talk.
Subtle, but not too subtle... I mean, "monogamous" is RIGHT THERE. He'll get it, right? Maybe? Nobody can be that derpy.
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
Ok- i will talk to him and if he gives permission then ill write back, ok? i need a good blowjob and i bet you do it well.
Guess not. But this could be interesting... Let's see what he says to "Cookie."
...To Hubby Man:
The part of Cookie will be played by Squeaky today, as Cookie is too busy working to deal with the derp.
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
cookies squeaky, is a nice looking girl, i went to talk with her and she seems nice, but told me she is in a mono relationship so cant see others. All i want is a nice blowjob and im a nice friendly guy and she tol dme if she had your permission she'd happily do it.
I was thinking we could meet at a nice casino or something eat/listen to music then I will use her mouth for a little bit, if she has any limits id respect them, what you think? you ok with her doing it?
Wait, I said what?
*Scrolls up...*
No, I did not say that, or anything close to that... But this does give me an excellent opportunity to see if the "nice guy" is really nice, or not.
The Hubby 34M
Flint, Michigan
I think My sub and I are going to have to have a little "talk" when I get home about what monogamous means and how her mouth isn't for anybody's junk but Mine.
But thanks for bringing it to My attention that I need to correct her behavior ASAP.
Cookie
Ooo... The "big mean domly dom card." Any person with at least a modicum of empathy would feel bad if they got someone in trouble. Will there be back peddling?
...To Husband Man:
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
Well maybe a good punishment willl be to abuse her throat, give it a good pounding and tie her arms and force her to take it, she needs it done to her. Im sorry for getting you upset and asking, its a shame i cant use her mouth lol.
I wish i could even watch her suck you off on skype though? let me knoe
Nope. This dood's pleased that he's potentially gotten someone in trouble by blatantly lying about what they said? Wow... Just, wow.
...And back to me:
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
oh u about to be in deep water when he comes home. yepppp
sigh... Yep, he's a Real & True "Nice Guy(tm)"
Me
Or, far more likely, he's going to come home, we're going to laugh about the moron who was too stupid to understand the concept of monogamy, and then we'll fuck like rabid bunnies. Seriously. Did you honestly think that there was any chance in hell that he'd be all "Sure man, go ahead and get a beej from my wife"? Or that I'd actually do it? Tool.
But hey, thanks for giving us some great fodder for a group that totally enjoys messages from inept kinksters and the inept kinksers who send that sort of shit.
Yeah, there's a group for mocking this sort of thing, but it's like Fight Club. We're not supposed to talk about it.
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
what the hell is that group? can u show me at least lol?
btw quit actin like im this big bad clown, i saw a girl i asked for some head, its what u kinda girls are into and do on the reg. are you in denial or something lol?
Girls like me? Oh, he must mean "girls in crappy porn and erotica". And "denial"? WTF? Because I'm in a monogamous relationship? Is this some sort of convoluted "You're a fake sub" line?
Me
Huh. You lie to my husband, gloat about thinking you've gotten me in trouble, and I'm supposed to do something for you...
That's funny.
Oh, and BTW, girls like me? We don't fuck clowns. Maybe if you stopped acting like one you'd see more action.
Fucking clown.
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
you clearly are in for a rude awakening you got NO CLUE. you dont know your place in life and you dont realise how used you are getting by that guy you call a husband, i feel bad for you now
No clue AND I'm being used... I'll be sure to tell Husband man that after he gets done with his 13 hour day working to support his wife and family. Yep. Poor Cookie probably had no clue that he's supposed to let derps use me because if he doesn't then he's using me... Wait, what? Ow, my brain.
Me
Now that's just sad. Almost as sad as that pitiful "I'm a nice guy who can't get my dick sucked" game you tried to run.
Clown boy- I've been doing this relationship and kink thing since you were in grade school. You want to see someone who doesn't have a clue, go find a mirror because it sure as hell isn't me.
I bet he's going to start in with the derogatory name calling soon, it's pretty much his only option by now.
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
yah your insults really turn me down i mean, you cant even think and act for yourself. You need to find a "man" to order you around, to tell you what to do, you live and depend on a guy, yeah you are a STRONG MINDED CHICK? LOL PLZ. hes got you pegged girl. sad sad, 1 day ull wakeup.
Oh, close. He had to go with how "weak" submissive women are. And an insult to my relationship and Cookie's ethical compass... I think there are bonus points for that on my derpy DimDom BINGO card...
Me
And your blatantly inaccurate assumptions about my life are making me laugh. A lot. Keep it up, eventually you might say something I haven't already heard 100 times before.
...And that's the last I heard from him.
Until, like a bad sequel, he returned to pester Husband Man...
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
your bitch told me to work out plans with you, whats a good hotel i can meet you guys at?
Come on now, that's just sad guy. Give up already. You HAVE to know by now that we're talking about this to each other. You can't be THAT stupid, can you?
The Hubby 34M
Flint, Michigan
LOL.
She did? Interesting, because I can't recall her saying that in any of the messages she exchanged with you (which I read, by the way).
You bore me.
I am bored, bored I say!
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
ok heres what happened, we talked on the phone, then she blocked me to make it look like she hates me but we are working something out. Dont worry im not gonna do nothin bad to her, just use her mouth thats it .
keep not trusting your loved one real solid relationship there man.
keep controllin her ur a strong real man Lollllll
Huh? "keep not trusting me"? What's he talking about? I don't understand!!! We're talking to each other about this RIGHT NOW. Where's the lack of trust in that?
The Hubby34M
Flint, Michigan
More boring, unimaginative tripe. But I expected no less.
Shoo! You have now outlived your usefulness as a tool for our amusement. We no longer require your services, as lame as they were.
SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA
nice comeback man. lets find out if you are weak like your girl and block, or maybe ull do that after i show you the pictures of me and her together? i mean she said she needed a real man
Oh, I see what happened there. He got "man" and "clown" confused... Poor thing.
The Hubby34M
Flint, Michigan
Ok. Send me pictures. Make sure to get the tattoo on her thigh in them so I know it's her though.
Otherwise I'd be inclined to think that you're just a sad, pathetic little man with nothing better to do than tell blatantly obvious lies in an effort to stroke his own ego.
A) I don't have a tattoo on my thigh.
B) Pretty sure I already think that. Probably because it's pretty obvious.
And then I blocked him on Cookie's account. The derp was amusing for a bit, but like most derp it gets old fast.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Keep Your Clothes On
Trolling fet I found the following:
[name redacted] has given me the following task:
No bras or panties for 1 week. I can wear a sports bra to the gym, but no top over it.
Each day while in public I have to flash my pussy/tits to a man, making sure to make eye contact.
Bonus points for masturbation.
Document each day on Fetlife.
The writer followed that with descriptions of her in-public antics (and photographic proof). And me? I just sat there after reading it wondering, "Why am I so disturbed by this?"
I'm a big fan of YKINMYATOK (an insanely long abbreviation for You Kink Is Not My Kink And That's OK). I totally get that folks are going to be into shit I don't like, or I find distasteful, or that just doesn't float my boat. It's not a big deal, I just generally avoid looking at the stuff I don't like. I'm also a rather vocal supporter of not needing the public's consent to partake in harmless kink- Things like using a title for your significant other, or wearing a collar, or a number of other things that might not exactly be in good taste but are not illegal.
But I had a rather violent and visceral negative reaction to this girl's stunt. Her kink isn't my kink and you know what? It's NOT ok. I couldn't help but imagine how I'd feel if some random twit flashed her junk at me in a park or the grocery store... Embarrassed? Probably. A bit squicked? Yeah, definitely that. Pissed? You bet. But mostly, being a kinkster and a HUGE fan of SSC and RACK, I'd be livid that she would blithely remove my ability to consent or not consent before subjecting me to her kinky games. And that is where the visceral reaction came from, I think.
If she meandered up to me and said, "Hey, I've got this task... Can I flash you?" I'd be cool with it. I wouldn't enjoy it (chicks just don't do anything for me), but I'd play along. I mean, why not? It's just junk- I've got the same stuff in my bra and skivvies. I might even get a laugh out of it... But to do that without my consent? Not cool.
Now, supposedly where this chick is public nudity is OK- So long as it's not sexual in nature. I'm cool with that, skinny-dipping is something I've participated in (with a lot of other naked people too- Anybody ever been to The Classic at Pennsic?). I tend to think that the whole "Guys can go shirtless but girls can't" thing is silly beyond words. I have no problem with nudity, so again it's got to be that consent issue rearing it's head at me again. I consent to see naked people at The Classic, I consent to see their junk blowing in the breeze, I do not consent to see your bits at the grocery store or the park or any other place where I'm not expecting to see a naked person or someone's genitalia.
And I suspect that the "not cool"ness feeling I have extends to other folks who are out minding their own damn business and who do not or have not consented to see her junk. Sure, some folks might like it (some folks might really, really like it), but from this chick's writing it sounded like a few of her targets (for lack of a better word) were not pleasantly surprised with her free peep-show:
"As he walked past me, I lifted my shirt and flashed him my breasts. He said "oh goodness" and continued walking. I'm not sure if he said anything else but it might have been "don't do that again" LOL I guess all the people hating on this task are right, I probably shouldn't flash my sexual organs to people."
Meh. It bothers me. Consent is one of the best weapons we have in our arsenal to battle the negative perceptions of BDSM, and here's this chick who's basically saying "Fuck your consent" and laughing about it.
And that, to me, is about as not cool as it can get.
[name redacted] has given me the following task:
No bras or panties for 1 week. I can wear a sports bra to the gym, but no top over it.
Each day while in public I have to flash my pussy/tits to a man, making sure to make eye contact.
Bonus points for masturbation.
Document each day on Fetlife.
The writer followed that with descriptions of her in-public antics (and photographic proof). And me? I just sat there after reading it wondering, "Why am I so disturbed by this?"
I'm a big fan of YKINMYATOK (an insanely long abbreviation for You Kink Is Not My Kink And That's OK). I totally get that folks are going to be into shit I don't like, or I find distasteful, or that just doesn't float my boat. It's not a big deal, I just generally avoid looking at the stuff I don't like. I'm also a rather vocal supporter of not needing the public's consent to partake in harmless kink- Things like using a title for your significant other, or wearing a collar, or a number of other things that might not exactly be in good taste but are not illegal.
But I had a rather violent and visceral negative reaction to this girl's stunt. Her kink isn't my kink and you know what? It's NOT ok. I couldn't help but imagine how I'd feel if some random twit flashed her junk at me in a park or the grocery store... Embarrassed? Probably. A bit squicked? Yeah, definitely that. Pissed? You bet. But mostly, being a kinkster and a HUGE fan of SSC and RACK, I'd be livid that she would blithely remove my ability to consent or not consent before subjecting me to her kinky games. And that is where the visceral reaction came from, I think.
If she meandered up to me and said, "Hey, I've got this task... Can I flash you?" I'd be cool with it. I wouldn't enjoy it (chicks just don't do anything for me), but I'd play along. I mean, why not? It's just junk- I've got the same stuff in my bra and skivvies. I might even get a laugh out of it... But to do that without my consent? Not cool.
Now, supposedly where this chick is public nudity is OK- So long as it's not sexual in nature. I'm cool with that, skinny-dipping is something I've participated in (with a lot of other naked people too- Anybody ever been to The Classic at Pennsic?). I tend to think that the whole "Guys can go shirtless but girls can't" thing is silly beyond words. I have no problem with nudity, so again it's got to be that consent issue rearing it's head at me again. I consent to see naked people at The Classic, I consent to see their junk blowing in the breeze, I do not consent to see your bits at the grocery store or the park or any other place where I'm not expecting to see a naked person or someone's genitalia.
And I suspect that the "not cool"ness feeling I have extends to other folks who are out minding their own damn business and who do not or have not consented to see her junk. Sure, some folks might like it (some folks might really, really like it), but from this chick's writing it sounded like a few of her targets (for lack of a better word) were not pleasantly surprised with her free peep-show:
"As he walked past me, I lifted my shirt and flashed him my breasts. He said "oh goodness" and continued walking. I'm not sure if he said anything else but it might have been "don't do that again" LOL I guess all the people hating on this task are right, I probably shouldn't flash my sexual organs to people."
Meh. It bothers me. Consent is one of the best weapons we have in our arsenal to battle the negative perceptions of BDSM, and here's this chick who's basically saying "Fuck your consent" and laughing about it.
And that, to me, is about as not cool as it can get.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
He Might be a Dom but he's not YOUR Dom.
Reading through the blogs today I came across these lines in another lady's writings:
I watch lots of submissives and slaves on here call a lot of Doms/Masters they don't know Sir or Master. And I see nothing wrong with that it is very respectful.
And though I agreed with a lot of what she said in her post, that last sentence there just rubbed me the wrong way- Not because there's anything wrong with being polite or courteous or what-have-you, but because of the response I have when some random chick uses a D-typey label on Cookie or how he feels when it happens... Suffice to say, it feels less respectful and more presumptuous.
I mean, I have right to call Cookie by whatever label he wants (which is usually Dear or Darling, he's not big on titles) because, yanno, I'm actually in a relationship with him. He's MY Domly One, MY husband, and to anybody but me... He's NOT a Master, Sir, Lord High Dolmy Pants because he's NOT in a relationship with you. I AM submissive to him, YOU are not. So don't go acting all uber subly at my spouse. It's offensive.
And for him? He HATES it when random chicks pull that shit on him because, again, he's not in a relationship with you. He has not consented to any sort of authority exchange that a title like that infers, and he finds it really rather creepy and DISRESPECTFUL. Disrespectful to his desires, disrespectful to his relationship, and disrespectful to him as a person.
So, yeah... No. Calling some random D-type by a title isn't always "very respectful" especially if being called by that title by someone they're not in a relationship with isn't something they want to have happen.
Food for thought.
I watch lots of submissives and slaves on here call a lot of Doms/Masters they don't know Sir or Master. And I see nothing wrong with that it is very respectful.
And though I agreed with a lot of what she said in her post, that last sentence there just rubbed me the wrong way- Not because there's anything wrong with being polite or courteous or what-have-you, but because of the response I have when some random chick uses a D-typey label on Cookie or how he feels when it happens... Suffice to say, it feels less respectful and more presumptuous.
I mean, I have right to call Cookie by whatever label he wants (which is usually Dear or Darling, he's not big on titles) because, yanno, I'm actually in a relationship with him. He's MY Domly One, MY husband, and to anybody but me... He's NOT a Master, Sir, Lord High Dolmy Pants because he's NOT in a relationship with you. I AM submissive to him, YOU are not. So don't go acting all uber subly at my spouse. It's offensive.
And for him? He HATES it when random chicks pull that shit on him because, again, he's not in a relationship with you. He has not consented to any sort of authority exchange that a title like that infers, and he finds it really rather creepy and DISRESPECTFUL. Disrespectful to his desires, disrespectful to his relationship, and disrespectful to him as a person.
So, yeah... No. Calling some random D-type by a title isn't always "very respectful" especially if being called by that title by someone they're not in a relationship with isn't something they want to have happen.
Food for thought.
The Dirty "L" Word.
Who do you love?
I bet you love somebody. Your parents or siblings, maybe your grandfolks, cousins, aunts and uncles. Odds are good if you have kids you love them. Maybe you have a friend you love, maybe you're really lucky and you have more than one friend who's worth loving. How about your dog or cat or other not-human companions? And your spouse, significant other, boyfriend/girlfriend... Are they loved?
The vast majority of us love somebody or something. It's just something that we're designed to do, this nifty chemical reaction that helps us form the close bonds that benefit the species and can contribute an awful lot of happiness (or the occasional heart-break) to our lives; Which helps explain why we often go looking for love, even after we know how much losing it can hurt.
When we're in VanillaVille (population: Lots), love is a common-place topic. We're either looking for it, mourning its loss, or clinging onto it. Nobody looks at you askance if you say that you want to find someone to love (well, perhaps the bitter and cynical might, but even then they still understand even if they pretend they don't), and a great deal of people take it for granted that somewhere along the line they'll find it. Loving someone, especially the someone you're with, is just something quite a few people expect to have happen eventually.
Then there's the Kinkyverse where love can turn into the dirtiest word in the cosmos and you hear things like this with distressing frequency: "...been told to forget about finding love, be who I am (a slave) and be happy with that, don't worry about anything else.."
Forget about finding love?
Train yourself to not want or need it?
Settle for less than what it'll take to give you a happy and fulfilling relationship?
Honestly, I don't know what the blue blazes is going on here, but it's really rather sad.
Oh, I'm not talking about folks who are not interested in having love be part of their relationship. It's their relationship, if they don't want it they don't have to include it. I'm talking about the folks who claim that love has no place, anywhere, in a BDSM dynamic. The ones who spout off about how "True" D-types don't fall in love with their s-types. The ones who tell s-types that they have no right to expect or even want love from their D-type. The ones who make it sound as if wanting to love or be loved is a dirty, bad, wrong thing.
You know what? Fuck that noise. Fuck it sideways with an un-lubed cinderblock.
If you want love, or just the possibility of it somewhere down the road, you have every right to go looking for it. You also have the right to laugh at anybody who says you don't have a right to expect that your dynamic will meet your emotional needs (and, IMHO, you have the right to tell them what they can do with an un-lubed cinderblock). You have the right to have your emotional needs met in your relationship. You have the right to love and be loved in return if that's what floats your boat.
So- If you want love, if you need it to make you feel whole and happy- Don't settle for less because someone isn't willing to offer it to you or because of some seriously effed-up notion about what "True" PYLs can and cannot feel for each other. Keep looking until you find that person who will let you light up their life as much as they light up yours.
Let your love-light shine, yo.
I bet you love somebody. Your parents or siblings, maybe your grandfolks, cousins, aunts and uncles. Odds are good if you have kids you love them. Maybe you have a friend you love, maybe you're really lucky and you have more than one friend who's worth loving. How about your dog or cat or other not-human companions? And your spouse, significant other, boyfriend/girlfriend... Are they loved?
The vast majority of us love somebody or something. It's just something that we're designed to do, this nifty chemical reaction that helps us form the close bonds that benefit the species and can contribute an awful lot of happiness (or the occasional heart-break) to our lives; Which helps explain why we often go looking for love, even after we know how much losing it can hurt.
When we're in VanillaVille (population: Lots), love is a common-place topic. We're either looking for it, mourning its loss, or clinging onto it. Nobody looks at you askance if you say that you want to find someone to love (well, perhaps the bitter and cynical might, but even then they still understand even if they pretend they don't), and a great deal of people take it for granted that somewhere along the line they'll find it. Loving someone, especially the someone you're with, is just something quite a few people expect to have happen eventually.
Then there's the Kinkyverse where love can turn into the dirtiest word in the cosmos and you hear things like this with distressing frequency: "...been told to forget about finding love, be who I am (a slave) and be happy with that, don't worry about anything else.."
Forget about finding love?
Train yourself to not want or need it?
Settle for less than what it'll take to give you a happy and fulfilling relationship?
Honestly, I don't know what the blue blazes is going on here, but it's really rather sad.
Oh, I'm not talking about folks who are not interested in having love be part of their relationship. It's their relationship, if they don't want it they don't have to include it. I'm talking about the folks who claim that love has no place, anywhere, in a BDSM dynamic. The ones who spout off about how "True" D-types don't fall in love with their s-types. The ones who tell s-types that they have no right to expect or even want love from their D-type. The ones who make it sound as if wanting to love or be loved is a dirty, bad, wrong thing.
You know what? Fuck that noise. Fuck it sideways with an un-lubed cinderblock.
If you want love, or just the possibility of it somewhere down the road, you have every right to go looking for it. You also have the right to laugh at anybody who says you don't have a right to expect that your dynamic will meet your emotional needs (and, IMHO, you have the right to tell them what they can do with an un-lubed cinderblock). You have the right to have your emotional needs met in your relationship. You have the right to love and be loved in return if that's what floats your boat.
So- If you want love, if you need it to make you feel whole and happy- Don't settle for less because someone isn't willing to offer it to you or because of some seriously effed-up notion about what "True" PYLs can and cannot feel for each other. Keep looking until you find that person who will let you light up their life as much as they light up yours.
Let your love-light shine, yo.
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