As you meander through the internet and skulk about forums, chat rooms, and websites devoted to Dominance and submission there are a few titles other than Master, slave, Dominant, and submissive that you stumble across. These folks are mentors, protectors and (the ever dubious) trainers.
Some of these people will honestly want to help you out as you learn the ropes (pun intended) of submission but there are a few unscrupulous sorts who'll use mentoring, protecting, and training as an excuse to boss you around and get wank material from you for free. A rather pertinent fact to remember when dealing with mentors, protectors, and trainers is that "Nobody ever does anything for free" why should they invest time and effort in you for someone else's benefit and get nothing in return?
So what is a mentor?
They're someone who'll offer support or advice when needed, answer questions when you have them, or point you towards resources that can help you answer the questions on your own. A mentor could be a Dominant, but personally I think it makes more sense to have another submissive be a mentor as another submissive will understand where you're coming from because she was once a newbie on a journey too (that and another submissive won't have an ulterior motive).
How do you find one?
I suppose if I were in the market for a mentor I would pay careful attention to the folks in groups that I belonged to online and people I might have met at munches. I would see who seemed to have their shit together, whose dynamic looked like something I was interested in emulating, and most importantly for me someone I felt I could relate to. Then, I'd probably send this Paragon of Subly Virtue a nice missive explaining that I really liked what they had to say and I was wondering if when the time came that I might have questions, could I seek advice from them, or if it was a real life person I'd ask them if they'd be willing to offer me advice when I needed it.
What should their role be?
To me a mentor is like a Big Brother or Big Sister. They're not in it for sex or wank fodder or to act like a Dominant towards you, they're mentoring because it gives them pleasure to be able to help someone new learn what submission and D/s is about. They're people who have knowledge to share with the folks who need it.
What should they NOT do?
I really don't think that a mentor should have any authority over a new submissive, because it's too easy for that person to then take advantage of the newbie. I have seen and heard of this happening with skeevy sorts of dominants who prey on a newbie's inexperience. I firmly believe that anybody who espouses the "REAL & TRUE WAY OF DOING STUFF AND THINGS" ought to be kicked to the curb, ASAP, because there is no "REAL & TRUE" there's just what's right for the individual and the people involved in a particular relationship.
What has been YOUR experience with them?
None. I've been in a big sister role, which is why I base my ideas of what a mentor should be- A compatriot. All of my learning about BDSM has come from books, life experience, and the submissive ladies I associate with through internet forums whose words I relate to and who I feel offer the best advice for my personal style of submission.
Why would you want one?
I suppose I might want a mentor if she had knowledge that I didn't have and couldn't learn on my own.
Do I need a mentor?
Only if you think that having a mentor would add to your education and experience. Not everybody has mentors because not everybody feels that they need them.
What is a Protector?
Usually a protector is just someone who has your back. It's a friend who is willing to watch over you and help ensure that you're safe. Mostly I see protectors as an online entity and I really don't get the point of it- If someone is bothering you online it's very easy to hit the BLOCK button so they can not longer pester you. Much easier than tracking down your friend, saying "So and so is picking on me!" and waiting for your friend to send the idiot bothering you a Very Angry Message (Ooo, anything but that!).
Ideally, if you're old enough to be involved in this life you ought to be old enough to be able to tell someone who is annoying you to get lost. If you can't do that and you need to run to a protector to hit the IGNORE button for you... Yeah. That's kinda sad. You might be a submissive but you're not a wimp.
What is Training?
Training is a fancy concept for learning what your dominant likes and expects from you. Most of us have done this for years with our vanilla boyfriends- We learn what meals they like, we learn how they like us to wear our hair, we learn what best pleases them in bed.
Do I need training?
Honestly, no. Learning how to be a competent submissive is not rocket science. You might have to learn things that are new to you, but in general it won't be anything that will require something as involved as "training" to grasp. As long as you have a firm grasp of manners and common courtesy, you're good to go.
Lord Master of The Universe Sir Fatpants has offered to train me, should I accept?
If you want to waste you time, feel free.
I say this because no Dominant is going to be able to train you for another Dominant (unless he's a psychic and knows exactly what your future Dominant might desire. And if you do find this magically psychic trainer can you have him send me the winning lotto numbers for next week's drawing?). No two Doms will want or enjoy the same things... I could have gone and had myself trained in Super High Protocol Uber Kneeling Skillz (yes, there's a "Z" at the end of skills because without that "Z" it would be impossible to express exactly how mad my skills would be), but it would have been a waste of my time because my Dom doesn't care for such things, he's a very laid-back kind of guy.
Also, most random Dominants who might offer to "train" you are just looking for someone to boss around who will give them wank fodder (really, they do need to see you stuff a giant cucumber in your hoo-ha on web cam to be certain you're being properly trained in the exotic and nearly lost art of cucumber scromping. *scoff*). They'll tell you that the things they'll teach you will help you find a Dominant of your own, but that's just a line. The only thing they'll really teach you is not to trust shady Dominants bearing offers of training.
Finally, when you do find a Dominant, he'll be more than happy to let you know exactly what he likes and expects from you. If you need to learn some fancy position for giving him a hummer he'll show you. If he wants his shirts folded a certain way, he'll let you know. If he likes his meatloaf made without onion... Well, I'm sure you get the point.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Ideas About Submission and "Types" of Submissives
What, Exactly, Is This Submission Business?
Submission is a rather simple idea, it's when one person decides to let another person, sometimes known as a Dominant, have some amount of authority over their life. Sometimes a D/s relationship is referred to as a Power Exchange Dynamic, or an Authority Transfer Dynamic which are just fancy sounding names for a simple concept. What complicates this simple idea is the fact that everybody does it differently and some of them feel the need to dictate to others what is right and wrong.
What is submission about?
Ideally, your submission ought to be about finding out what fulfills you in a relationship and satisfies both you and your partner. You should get something good out of your submission, oh hell, you should get A LOT of good out of your submission. Unfortunately a lot of people have a really skewed idea of what submission ought to be and that's the view we get fed and believe in until someone else comes along and points out all the good things that submission can be and what it shouldn't be about.
So if submission is all about finding your happy, fulfillment, realization of truth of self, etc... What isn't it about? What bunk has the popular media and fantasy erotica writers fed us that we need to purge from our systems?
It's not about forcing yourself to be something you're not because someone else tells you that's what is "the right way" or "The true way" or any other similar bit of drivel. If you have absolutely no desire to be beat on a regular basis, then someone who says that the only way to be a "true" submissive is to constantly sport bruises that won't let you sit for a week comes along you don't have to listen to them. At all. Ever.
It's not about being a martyr and the idea that "If you enjoy it, then it's not submission" is hogwash. Of course you should enjoy it! Of course it should be rewarding to you! Otherwise, what's the point? Who wants to do something that makes them miserable all the time and doesn't add anything positive to their life? Not me, and not most submissives I suspect.
It's not about losing your identity, your thoughts, your very self to become a doormat for some Domly Dom to wipe his feet on. You can be a confident, out-going, opinionated, and awesome submissive. You can be you in all of your wondrous glory.
It's certainly not about The 9 Levels of Submission or the totally unrealistic 128 Slave Rules, that stuff is malarkey written by folks with too much time on their hands and very vivid imaginations. Especially the 128... I mean, come on, there's even a rule about how to read them. I suspect that my intense disliking for the 128 comes from the fact that there are people who treat them like the Holy Grail of Submission and expect everybody else to think the same way they do... And that's illogical.
It's not about taking everything so seriously, all the time, that you forget why you thought it was a good idea to explore your submission in the first place. Yes, there is a time and place for serious business, but there's also a time and place for laughter and enjoyment.
It's not about anything but what you think it should be about.
It's about you.
So I identify as a submissive, that's easy right?Sadly for those of us who identify as some sort of submissive it doesn't often remain that simple. Why? Because people like to complicate things and stuff themselves into little labeled boxes and stuff others into little labeled boxed, and snark at anybody who doesn't quite fit into the little labeled box that has been prepared for them. So before I move on to the different styles of submission I'd like you to remember one thing- The ONLY RIGHT WAY TO SUBMIT IS THE WAY THAT FEELS RIGHT TO YOU (and it only has to be right for you, it doesn't have to work for anybody else, and it probably won't work for anybody else but you). Got that? Cool. Let's carry on then.
It should be that simple, it would be nice if it was that simple, but why should something be simple when it can be complicated? And those little boxes help identify us to other people who like the little boxes, or labels and identifiers do serve a purpose but because nothing ever means the same thing to everybody, it gets confusing at times.
First, so you have a reference to how the labels are used, I'll explain what I am.
I am an owned 24/7 submissive.That's my label. It give people some idea of how I live my life and lets them know how to relate to me. It's not entirely accurate because it leaves a great many things out, but for an introduction it does its' job fairly well. Except now, especially if you're brand-new to this sort of thing, you might be scratching your head thinking "What the hell is she talking about? I'm so confused." It happens, we were all new and confused and scratching our heads at some point in time.Owned means I belong to somebody. The somebody in this case being the ever-wonderful Cookie, he's my Dominant.24/7 means that I am submissive to him all the time. There isn't a time when he's not The Boss and I'm not his submissive.Submissive is what I identify as, opposed to any other s-type label. It's pretty much the most general label you can have, most of the other labels are fairly specific even though there will be a bit of grey area in and around them.
It sounds fancy, like I'm some uber-submissive with a pricey degree from Super Submissive University (where I rushed the submissive sorority with the biggest, wickedest paddles), but it's really pretty simple when you break it down... Which probably still isn't helping you much so I'll cut the babble and get on with it.
Submission is really an umbrella term as it covers a lot of different labels and definitions for those labels. Submission is what we do. Each and every one of us submit some part of our authority to another person in some way, shape, or form. Our label is indicative of how we chose to submit to our partner.
There are a lot of different labels out there, some that people just made up, some that are general usage and easily recognized by others. You can be what ever kind of submissive you want to be, but if you decide to neatly print "Super Awesome Squiggly Whatsit Hoodly Sub" on your box, don't be surprised if everybody you meet asks you exactly what that means.
Bottom- A bottom is usually a person who only submits for a short period or time if they submit at all. A bottom is someone who likes having things done to them, they might like impact play, they might like being tied up, they might enjoy being pelted with jelly beans. The point is, they're the person who receives the action, they don't do the action to anybody else, and because for quite a few things they can't do whatever the desired activity is to themselves they have a partner who can take care of those needs.
Some submissives are Bedroom Only submissives. They enjoy giving their partner control but they only relinquish that control during sex, hence the name. It can be great fun and a good way to spice up your love life or introduce your partner to D&s as D/s by itself in the bedroom isn't very threatening (That's what crops are for! OoO...). There might be rules and rituals but they don't extend to life beyond the room where the bed is located. Quite a few D/s relationships start in the bedroom and when both partners find that they really, really enjoy what's going on they often extend the dynamic to include more of their life.
A Service submissive is someone whose submission is strictly centered around providing services for her dominant, she might cook, clean, run errands, or host events for her dominant but her fulfillment comes from doing things for him and making his life easier in those ways. Many other forms of submission include some service, but they also usually include sex. Sex in itself can be a service but Service submissives generally do not enjoy the sexual aspect of D/s or kinky play.Littles are submissives who enjoy connecting with a younger, more innocent, part of themselves. They enjoy the things most of us left behind when we abandoned our childhoods. Dress-up, tea parties, new boxes of crayons, and stuffed toys... The trappings of youth. Littles can be any age, but most identify as an age before puberty hit. They enjoy a father figure to guide, nurture, and care for them as they "grow."
If you strongly identify as a puppy, kitten, or some other domestic animal you might be a pet. There is a great deal of unique styles when it comes to pet play because the pets are individuals. Common themes do exist though, puppies might like to play ball, fetch, lick, and eat out of bowls. Kittens are adorable and cuddly but have an independent streak and wicked claws. Some pets play as an animal as often as they can, others just enjoy pet activities once in a while.
A brat is a highly debated label and people tend to either love them or hate them. Brats are smart asses, defiant, and often give their Dominants a good deal of flack. They push boundaries, poke at rules, and blow raspberries in the face of authority... Dominants tend to hate this submissive because they're not what a "proper" submissive should be, or they love them because brats are feisty and fun to struggle with. Like any other style of submission there are degrees of brattiness, from mild once-in-a-while flare-ups, to being a pain in the ass all of the time. Most brats don't have any desire to make their Dominant miserable so they walk a fine line walking the Dominant's boundary line, pushing but not being out-right disrespectful.Masochists like pain. If it hurts, it's a good thing, which isn't odd as pain and pleasure are closely related in our brains. Too much pleasure can be painful, too much pain can be pleasurable. How much hurt and what kind of hurt is a good thing is entirely up to the submissive in question.
Also: It is entirely possible to be a submissive and not have any desire to play with pain. The myth that ALL submissives like pain, or that you're not a real submissive if you don't like pain is a pile of steaming horse droppings.
Other folks just identify as a submissive. Sometimes this means that they have an authority transfer dynamic, something a bit more intensive than bedroom only play, but it's not quite as involved as 24/7 can be. It might mean that they've given their Dominant the authority to manage their finances, or decide what clothes they wear, or how they style their hair, but they have authority when it comes to home decorating decisions and they're not submissive outside of their private, together time. "submissive" is the broadest, most general category there is because it's so unspecified.
A 24/7 submissive submits to her Dominant's authority all day, every day, no matter where they are or what they're doing. I'm 24/7 and what that means to me is that Cookie is always the Dom and I am always the sub. There are parts of my life that I retain authority over, but those things are few and far between. We didn't get to this point right away, and there's been a great deal of communication between us so that our relationship works for us. I'm not going to say that trying to do 24/7 right off the bat will fail because I don't know that, but for someone who is just learning about their submission starting slow and working your way up will ensure that you start building a firm foundation for your dynamic.TPE is the anagram for Total Power Exchange. There's no lee-way on this one, it is exactly what it sounds like. The dominant partner is the one with all the authority in the dynamic. Most TPE submissives that I know or hear about have lives that their dominant's micro-manage, the dominant decides everything in their life from when they go to sleep and wake up to where they work, what they eat, and where they're allowed to shop.
I've tried TPE for a weekend (I lost a bet) and for a weekend it was fun, Cookie enjoyed having that much control and I enjoyed his bossiness... But to be quite honest, by the end of the weekend I was ready for it to be over. It's not something that I could do all the time and I'm a little in awe of the ladies who can give that much authority to their partners.
Slave- There is no clear consensus on how exactly a slave in the BDSM world differs from a submissive, but I'm including it here because a slave also submits her authority to another. Some people's views on a slave is that it's not any different from a TPE submissive. Some folks claim that unlike submissives who can renegotiate their dealings with their Dom, slaves get one shot to negotiate, while others say there's no negotiation at all beyond hard limits. Some folks say slaves cannot have hard limits. Regardless, what other people say doesn't matter much, the only definition that matters is the one the individual and her partner agree upon.
It's confusing, even for someone who's been involved with kink for years. The only thing that is TRUE for BDSM slavery is that it is not a legally binding arrangement. In the USA you can claim to be a slave and have no rights to your little heart's content, but that does not mean that you have no rights under law. If you chose to ignore your rights, that your business, but they still exist. This view sometimes annoys (to put it mildly) the die-hard BDSM slaves because it screws with their idea of themselves and their dynamic, but their views don't negate the law of the land.
A wise woman I know of on a website I belong to refers to these styles of submission as orientations, and I want to share what she thinks about the subject because her points are usually spot on,'This is why I have different "orientations" within submission, some are more obedience oriented (they like being trained and given orders to follow) some are more control oriented (they like rituals and being passive), some are more service oriented (they like doing things and assisting in tasks), and some are more pleasure oriented (they like having fun and being entertaining)." - Liz
What with there being so much grey area in submission styles I thought it might be nice for you to know that you don't have to be just one thing. Much like your self has many different facets, your submissive identity can have facets too. You don't have to make yourself fit into a little labeled box to make identifying who you are easier on others unless that's what you want to do.
So, if you were at all like me when I was shiny-bright and new to submission, you were wondering where you fit in exactly. Hopefully now you have some limits and you have the beginning of an identity, if you didn't have one already. Are you ready to play yet? If you're smart... Perhaps. You could probably survive amongst the wild doms and other fauna. But I know that these were not your only questions and my information has probably just added to the questions you already had. No worries, I'll get to those, and probably add more along the way... (feel free to insert evil, maniacal laughter here)
Submission is a rather simple idea, it's when one person decides to let another person, sometimes known as a Dominant, have some amount of authority over their life. Sometimes a D/s relationship is referred to as a Power Exchange Dynamic, or an Authority Transfer Dynamic which are just fancy sounding names for a simple concept. What complicates this simple idea is the fact that everybody does it differently and some of them feel the need to dictate to others what is right and wrong.
What is submission about?
Ideally, your submission ought to be about finding out what fulfills you in a relationship and satisfies both you and your partner. You should get something good out of your submission, oh hell, you should get A LOT of good out of your submission. Unfortunately a lot of people have a really skewed idea of what submission ought to be and that's the view we get fed and believe in until someone else comes along and points out all the good things that submission can be and what it shouldn't be about.
So if submission is all about finding your happy, fulfillment, realization of truth of self, etc... What isn't it about? What bunk has the popular media and fantasy erotica writers fed us that we need to purge from our systems?
It's not about forcing yourself to be something you're not because someone else tells you that's what is "the right way" or "The true way" or any other similar bit of drivel. If you have absolutely no desire to be beat on a regular basis, then someone who says that the only way to be a "true" submissive is to constantly sport bruises that won't let you sit for a week comes along you don't have to listen to them. At all. Ever.
It's not about being a martyr and the idea that "If you enjoy it, then it's not submission" is hogwash. Of course you should enjoy it! Of course it should be rewarding to you! Otherwise, what's the point? Who wants to do something that makes them miserable all the time and doesn't add anything positive to their life? Not me, and not most submissives I suspect.
It's not about losing your identity, your thoughts, your very self to become a doormat for some Domly Dom to wipe his feet on. You can be a confident, out-going, opinionated, and awesome submissive. You can be you in all of your wondrous glory.
It's certainly not about The 9 Levels of Submission or the totally unrealistic 128 Slave Rules, that stuff is malarkey written by folks with too much time on their hands and very vivid imaginations. Especially the 128... I mean, come on, there's even a rule about how to read them. I suspect that my intense disliking for the 128 comes from the fact that there are people who treat them like the Holy Grail of Submission and expect everybody else to think the same way they do... And that's illogical.
It's not about taking everything so seriously, all the time, that you forget why you thought it was a good idea to explore your submission in the first place. Yes, there is a time and place for serious business, but there's also a time and place for laughter and enjoyment.
It's not about anything but what you think it should be about.
It's about you.
So I identify as a submissive, that's easy right?Sadly for those of us who identify as some sort of submissive it doesn't often remain that simple. Why? Because people like to complicate things and stuff themselves into little labeled boxes and stuff others into little labeled boxed, and snark at anybody who doesn't quite fit into the little labeled box that has been prepared for them. So before I move on to the different styles of submission I'd like you to remember one thing- The ONLY RIGHT WAY TO SUBMIT IS THE WAY THAT FEELS RIGHT TO YOU (and it only has to be right for you, it doesn't have to work for anybody else, and it probably won't work for anybody else but you). Got that? Cool. Let's carry on then.
It should be that simple, it would be nice if it was that simple, but why should something be simple when it can be complicated? And those little boxes help identify us to other people who like the little boxes, or labels and identifiers do serve a purpose but because nothing ever means the same thing to everybody, it gets confusing at times.
First, so you have a reference to how the labels are used, I'll explain what I am.
I am an owned 24/7 submissive.That's my label. It give people some idea of how I live my life and lets them know how to relate to me. It's not entirely accurate because it leaves a great many things out, but for an introduction it does its' job fairly well. Except now, especially if you're brand-new to this sort of thing, you might be scratching your head thinking "What the hell is she talking about? I'm so confused." It happens, we were all new and confused and scratching our heads at some point in time.Owned means I belong to somebody. The somebody in this case being the ever-wonderful Cookie, he's my Dominant.24/7 means that I am submissive to him all the time. There isn't a time when he's not The Boss and I'm not his submissive.Submissive is what I identify as, opposed to any other s-type label. It's pretty much the most general label you can have, most of the other labels are fairly specific even though there will be a bit of grey area in and around them.
It sounds fancy, like I'm some uber-submissive with a pricey degree from Super Submissive University (where I rushed the submissive sorority with the biggest, wickedest paddles), but it's really pretty simple when you break it down... Which probably still isn't helping you much so I'll cut the babble and get on with it.
Submission is really an umbrella term as it covers a lot of different labels and definitions for those labels. Submission is what we do. Each and every one of us submit some part of our authority to another person in some way, shape, or form. Our label is indicative of how we chose to submit to our partner.
There are a lot of different labels out there, some that people just made up, some that are general usage and easily recognized by others. You can be what ever kind of submissive you want to be, but if you decide to neatly print "Super Awesome Squiggly Whatsit Hoodly Sub" on your box, don't be surprised if everybody you meet asks you exactly what that means.
Bottom- A bottom is usually a person who only submits for a short period or time if they submit at all. A bottom is someone who likes having things done to them, they might like impact play, they might like being tied up, they might enjoy being pelted with jelly beans. The point is, they're the person who receives the action, they don't do the action to anybody else, and because for quite a few things they can't do whatever the desired activity is to themselves they have a partner who can take care of those needs.
Some submissives are Bedroom Only submissives. They enjoy giving their partner control but they only relinquish that control during sex, hence the name. It can be great fun and a good way to spice up your love life or introduce your partner to D&s as D/s by itself in the bedroom isn't very threatening (That's what crops are for! OoO...). There might be rules and rituals but they don't extend to life beyond the room where the bed is located. Quite a few D/s relationships start in the bedroom and when both partners find that they really, really enjoy what's going on they often extend the dynamic to include more of their life.
A Service submissive is someone whose submission is strictly centered around providing services for her dominant, she might cook, clean, run errands, or host events for her dominant but her fulfillment comes from doing things for him and making his life easier in those ways. Many other forms of submission include some service, but they also usually include sex. Sex in itself can be a service but Service submissives generally do not enjoy the sexual aspect of D/s or kinky play.Littles are submissives who enjoy connecting with a younger, more innocent, part of themselves. They enjoy the things most of us left behind when we abandoned our childhoods. Dress-up, tea parties, new boxes of crayons, and stuffed toys... The trappings of youth. Littles can be any age, but most identify as an age before puberty hit. They enjoy a father figure to guide, nurture, and care for them as they "grow."
If you strongly identify as a puppy, kitten, or some other domestic animal you might be a pet. There is a great deal of unique styles when it comes to pet play because the pets are individuals. Common themes do exist though, puppies might like to play ball, fetch, lick, and eat out of bowls. Kittens are adorable and cuddly but have an independent streak and wicked claws. Some pets play as an animal as often as they can, others just enjoy pet activities once in a while.
A brat is a highly debated label and people tend to either love them or hate them. Brats are smart asses, defiant, and often give their Dominants a good deal of flack. They push boundaries, poke at rules, and blow raspberries in the face of authority... Dominants tend to hate this submissive because they're not what a "proper" submissive should be, or they love them because brats are feisty and fun to struggle with. Like any other style of submission there are degrees of brattiness, from mild once-in-a-while flare-ups, to being a pain in the ass all of the time. Most brats don't have any desire to make their Dominant miserable so they walk a fine line walking the Dominant's boundary line, pushing but not being out-right disrespectful.Masochists like pain. If it hurts, it's a good thing, which isn't odd as pain and pleasure are closely related in our brains. Too much pleasure can be painful, too much pain can be pleasurable. How much hurt and what kind of hurt is a good thing is entirely up to the submissive in question.
Also: It is entirely possible to be a submissive and not have any desire to play with pain. The myth that ALL submissives like pain, or that you're not a real submissive if you don't like pain is a pile of steaming horse droppings.
Other folks just identify as a submissive. Sometimes this means that they have an authority transfer dynamic, something a bit more intensive than bedroom only play, but it's not quite as involved as 24/7 can be. It might mean that they've given their Dominant the authority to manage their finances, or decide what clothes they wear, or how they style their hair, but they have authority when it comes to home decorating decisions and they're not submissive outside of their private, together time. "submissive" is the broadest, most general category there is because it's so unspecified.
A 24/7 submissive submits to her Dominant's authority all day, every day, no matter where they are or what they're doing. I'm 24/7 and what that means to me is that Cookie is always the Dom and I am always the sub. There are parts of my life that I retain authority over, but those things are few and far between. We didn't get to this point right away, and there's been a great deal of communication between us so that our relationship works for us. I'm not going to say that trying to do 24/7 right off the bat will fail because I don't know that, but for someone who is just learning about their submission starting slow and working your way up will ensure that you start building a firm foundation for your dynamic.TPE is the anagram for Total Power Exchange. There's no lee-way on this one, it is exactly what it sounds like. The dominant partner is the one with all the authority in the dynamic. Most TPE submissives that I know or hear about have lives that their dominant's micro-manage, the dominant decides everything in their life from when they go to sleep and wake up to where they work, what they eat, and where they're allowed to shop.
I've tried TPE for a weekend (I lost a bet) and for a weekend it was fun, Cookie enjoyed having that much control and I enjoyed his bossiness... But to be quite honest, by the end of the weekend I was ready for it to be over. It's not something that I could do all the time and I'm a little in awe of the ladies who can give that much authority to their partners.
Slave- There is no clear consensus on how exactly a slave in the BDSM world differs from a submissive, but I'm including it here because a slave also submits her authority to another. Some people's views on a slave is that it's not any different from a TPE submissive. Some folks claim that unlike submissives who can renegotiate their dealings with their Dom, slaves get one shot to negotiate, while others say there's no negotiation at all beyond hard limits. Some folks say slaves cannot have hard limits. Regardless, what other people say doesn't matter much, the only definition that matters is the one the individual and her partner agree upon.
It's confusing, even for someone who's been involved with kink for years. The only thing that is TRUE for BDSM slavery is that it is not a legally binding arrangement. In the USA you can claim to be a slave and have no rights to your little heart's content, but that does not mean that you have no rights under law. If you chose to ignore your rights, that your business, but they still exist. This view sometimes annoys (to put it mildly) the die-hard BDSM slaves because it screws with their idea of themselves and their dynamic, but their views don't negate the law of the land.
A wise woman I know of on a website I belong to refers to these styles of submission as orientations, and I want to share what she thinks about the subject because her points are usually spot on,'This is why I have different "orientations" within submission, some are more obedience oriented (they like being trained and given orders to follow) some are more control oriented (they like rituals and being passive), some are more service oriented (they like doing things and assisting in tasks), and some are more pleasure oriented (they like having fun and being entertaining)." - Liz
What with there being so much grey area in submission styles I thought it might be nice for you to know that you don't have to be just one thing. Much like your self has many different facets, your submissive identity can have facets too. You don't have to make yourself fit into a little labeled box to make identifying who you are easier on others unless that's what you want to do.
So, if you were at all like me when I was shiny-bright and new to submission, you were wondering where you fit in exactly. Hopefully now you have some limits and you have the beginning of an identity, if you didn't have one already. Are you ready to play yet? If you're smart... Perhaps. You could probably survive amongst the wild doms and other fauna. But I know that these were not your only questions and my information has probably just added to the questions you already had. No worries, I'll get to those, and probably add more along the way... (feel free to insert evil, maniacal laughter here)
Submissive FAQs
Before I get started I'd like to take a minute to point out that although these might be some of the more common questions I've seen regarding submission, my answers might not be all that common, they might not work for you, and they are in no way meant to be seen as the "True" way of doing things. They're just my opinions, take what might work for you and leave what doesn't.
Is this normal?My best friend's grandma used to say that normal was only a setting on a washing machine. Beyond washing machines there's really no such thing as "normal" because we're all unique individuals. A better question to ask might be "Am I making a choice that is good for me?" If you're exploring submission because it feels right for you, if you enjoy the idea of it, if it makes you happy and fulfills you, then you are most likely making a good choice.
What about feminism?Many people will equate submission with being anti-feminist. To me that's just not the case. The way I figure it is that our mothers, grandmothers and great-grandmothers fought so that we could have the right to choose the path that would give us the most happiness instead of being trapped in a life that didn't fulfill us. They might have fought so that we could grow up to be CEOs, lawyers, politicians, and doctors, we have those opportunities open to us thanks to them, but just because that option is there now doesn't mean we have to take it. Or if we do take it, it doesn't mean that in our private life we can't let someone else take the wheel and steer (so to speak). If you take the path that makes you happy then you're thanking all the women who came before us for giving you the freedom to make that decision for yourself.
I'm really outgoing and a take-charge kind of person, how can I be submissive?Submission is just another way that we relate to people... It's another facet of ourselves. And nobody is only one thing, all of the time. We're slightly different in different circumstances depending on the people who are around us. If you're loud and out-going with your friends that doesn't mean you can't be quiet and polite around your grandparents. If you're a take-no-prisoners boss at work that doesn't mean you can't cuddle up with your kids at home and read them Goodnight Moon. So just because you're outgoing and take-charge most of the time doesn't mean that you cannot relate to another person in a submissive way.
Do I have to submit to everybody who calls themselves a dominant?No! You only submit to the people you choose to submit to. Much like how you wouldn't let some random guy on the street walk up to you and start calling you and treating you like his girlfriend, you wouldn't let some random dominant person walk up to you and start bossing you around. If a random guy tries to make you submit to them when you don't want to you have every right to tell them to get lost. We're not just something a guy can pick up off a shelf and own. Most of the ladies I know put it this way, "I might be a submissive but I'm not YOUR submissive."
What is a collar?As you explore and become more familiar with the practices of other kinky folks, you'll notice that some submissives refer to themselves as "collared." Usually that means that that person is in a committed relationship with their dominant, the collar is just a symbol of that commitment.
Collars can also be something other than an accessory worn around the neck- Some people I know use a ring, a bracelet, an anklet, or a necklace, especially if they're out in public and don't want to get odd looks from vanilla people who don't understand D/s.
Also, not all collars mean the same thing. Some collars can have the kinky significance of a vanilla wedding band, but not all do. Some people wear a collar as a part of play, because they like how it looks, or because it gives them a tickle in their potty.
How do I become a TRUE submissive?"True" is a word you're going to stumble across a lot as you explore and learn more about D/s and I want to tell you right now that there is NO SUCH THING AS "TRUE" IN D/s. Really, there's not. Why not? Because there is no one right way to do this thing we do. There's no rule book for everybody to follow, there's no test to pass, most of us are making it up as we go along and learns what does, and does not, work for us.
Some people who use the word true just don't know any better, but a lot of them use it as a way to make themselves feel better than others ("I'm a true submissive, I was trained by master Wannabedom! I'm so awesome and you're not! Neener!"), or to make you feel bad about yourself so you'll do something for them ("Oh, well if you were a true submissive you would lick my boots clean and grovel at my feet because I am Mr. Super Uber Domly Man!").
The same thing applies to words like:
Real
Right
Wrong
Perfect
Proper
Etc... I'm sure you get the picture. There are no absolutes in general D/s. There's no right or wrong way to do this. The only thing that is important is being true to yourself.
W/why do P/people talk like T/this online?Because they're silly?
No, seriously, it's a way some people show "respect" for others if they're typing in mixed company (Doms and subs). It's called "slashy-speak" and it's annoying and slightly painful to read. If you want to do it you can, but there is no rule that says you have to.
Do I have to call every Dominant by some title ( Your Domliness, Sir, Master, Lord High Fluffybutt)? Because I tend to be a lazy git sometimes, I'm going to copy and paste something I wrote about my opinion on titles, you can make of it what you will, and decide if you want to use titles when talking to random Dominants.
What do you wish you had known when you were starting out?Everything that I'm writing about here. I had so many questions and there were so few people with answers I could relate to. Everything was an absolute and there didn't seem to be a place for me to fit in. I felt like a round peg that was trying to squish itself into a square hole. I wish I'd had someone to tell me that what I was feeling was normal, that it was OK, and that I didn't have to be anybody but myself.
In D/s who is really has the power?
Some people argue that the Dominant obviously has the power, some state the submissive has the ultimate power because she can stop everything with her safe word. My take is that BOTH parties have an equal amount of power.
A Dominant cannot dominate without a submissive partner, and a submissive cannot submit without a Dominant. Both parties have equal power in the relationship because both parties need to be in agreement for the relationship to work.
Is submission a gift?
There are submissives who view their submission as a gift and they have every right to view it as one if that's what floats their boat.
I'm not the kind of submissive that sees submission as a gift. I also don't see any of my other personality traits as gifts either. Just because I give someone some part of myself, submission, friendliness, love, what not and what have you... It doesn't make it a gift in my eyes, it's just part of interacting with others.
What, exactly, is "Funishment"?
"Funishment" is a kind of play where the submissive pretends to be "bad" so that the Dominant will "punish" them. Unlike real punishment, which is used to correct an unwanted behavior, "Funishment" is strictly for enjoyment. It's like playing the naughty school girl who hasn't finished her assignment and will now be "punished" for her infraction. The "punishment" is something desired, for fun. Thus the term Funishment.
What is a switch?
A switch is somebody who enjoys Dominating others and submitting to others. They're people who live in both worlds, usually not at the same time.
Can love be part of a D/s dynamic?
If you want to have love in your dynamic, then yes, it is entirely possible to find a Dominant partner who will love you.
On the other hand, if you're not interested in having love with your kink that's a possibility as well.
Is it possible to balance submission and independence?
Absolutely. You decide how much authority you want to give your partner and how much independence you want to keep.
Because of medical/physical issues I can't do something, can I still be a submissive?
There are a lot of submissives who have medical issues or physical issues that prevent them from performing activities that are often considered must-have or must-do for submissive women... They get along just fine with their Dominants who accept that they're human and they have limitations.
Do I have to use a "slave name" or "submissive name" or "scene name"?
Nope. If you're name is Amanda, and you want everybody to call you Amanda, then you are more than welcome to use Amanda. It is your name after all (only applicable for women actually named Amanda).
Erm... I played rough last night and today I have a doctor's appointment...
No worries. You might feel bashful about marks from play but your doctor has probably seen marks on patients a jillion times or so (give or take a few million depending on how long your Dr has been in practice). Just let the Doc know that the play that caused the marks was consensual and you should be golden.
Do all slave/submissive relationships have aspects of scene playing in them?
No, I wouldn't think that ALL dynamics have a play aspect to them, because not all dynamics are the same. While I suspect that a good many dynamics have some play aspect to them (play is fun after all) it's not necessary for a D/s relationship to include play.
How do I tell my (a) Dominant that I want to try something that I find interesting when I feel embarrassed or shy when it comes to talking about it?
I really hate that feeling, don't you? There are times when I'm very interested in something but telling when it comes to telling Cookie about it I freeze up because I don't want him to think I'm just too freaky-deaky.
What works for me in this case is posing the desired thing as a hypothetical, I write about it in a story or I say, "One of my friends likes this thing, what do you think about this thing?" If there's a positive response it helps me feel more secure about discussing it with him.
I'm jonesing for the sexing, but how do I initiate sex with my Dominant?
Ask him. Really, there's nothing wrong with saying "I would really enjoy it if we could have some sexy together time." He might say no, but asking is better than not asking and feeling resentful about wanting and not receiving.
Does a Dominant ever need to say that he's sorry?
The idea that just because someone identifies as a Dominant that they never need to apologize for a mistake is bunk. Mistakes happen and if "sorry" is what it takes to make it right, then suck it up and make it right. It's called common courtesy and it applies to everybody no matter what they identify as.
My Dominant wants me to give the best BJ/handjob/scromping ever in the history of mankind, how do I do that?
The easiest way to blow his mind is by knowing what he likes, and if you want to know what he likes then you need to ask him. It takes the guess work out of BJs and other sexy fun time things when you just ask what your partner prefers.
Is there a "right" thing to call my Dom?
The only right thing to call him is what he prefers. Not all Dominants like the same title or term of affection, while mine might be happy being called "Cookie," "The Boss," or "Sir Pooksalot" yours might not dig that quite as much.
Is there a time frame for being offered a collar?
Nope, there's not. It's a lot like getting engaged or getting married, people have different ideas about when is the correct time to do those things and their ideas might not be your idea. So it's a good thing it doesn't have to be. Some Dominants will get right to it and collar a sub quickly, others will want to take their time about it, and still more don't even think it's important and they'll never do it.
I have a hard time orgasming or I've never had an orgasm, does that make me less of a sub?
NO! Your ability to orgasm has nothing to do with how submissive you are. The plain, simple truth of the matter is not all women can orgasm or orgasm quickly.
Can I learn to orgasm on command?
It's kind of sad, but men who watch porn often get it into heir heads that all women have this amazing, super power-esque ability to orgasm on command of squirt like a Super Soaker. While it can be done it's often not an easy process and takes a lot of time, dedication, and patience. Cumming on command is a neat trick, but that's all it is- A trick that you might be able to learn.
If I ask my partner to do something is that Topping From The Bottom?
I think it depends on how you ask. If you're open and honest, I don't see a problem with asking to have your wants met. To me Topping From The Bottom is more of a manipulative thing where the submissive is trying to control the action.
My partner is vanilla, how can I introduce them to kink?
If you've just discovered D/s and you're rather excited about it you're probably eager to share this shiny, new thing with your partner. That's cool. But there's a way to do it and a way to do it and make a muck out of things.
When introducing a vanilla partner to kink you'll want to take things slow. Making the kink fun can be helpful too because who doesn't like to do things that are fun?. Perhaps you could make a bet over the outcome of something- "Hey, If the Bears win the Super Bowl I want to play Master of the Universe and his happy slave girl for an evening." Then after a few days pass you could tell your partner, "You know, I really enjoyed our play the other night. What did you think about it?" You've then let him know that you liked what you guys did and you're opening up the lines of communication.
If you get lucky you'll discover that your partner will be your perfect partner in D/s... But how long it takes for him to get there, and how far he's willing to go is up to him.
I'm being bothered by a Dominant who wants to become involved with me and I'm just not interested, how do I reject him?
Well, if you've already told him that you're not interested and he still hasn't acquired a clue you're going to have to hit him with a clue-by-four. Tell him in no uncertain terms to get lost (if you're feeling really helpful you might want to give him GPS directions on where to go and how to get there).
Some submissive women advocate the "Just tell him politely and nicely..." Me? I don't really see the need to be polite or nice to someone who isn't respecting your decision.
Do Dominants really "loan out" their submissives?
There are Dominants and submissives who feel that this activity is rewarding for them on some level and so they choose to engage in it as part of their dynamic. "Loaning out" or "sharing" is not something that happens in all D/s relationships though, and if it would work for you and your Dominant is something you'll have to figure out together.
Do I have to talk about myself using odd phrases like "this girl" or "this slave" all the time or can I just use "I"?
Like sharing this is something that's up to the people involved in the relationship. Some submissives and their Dominant partners like it, others don't If you want to use it, or not use it, is something you need to might want to discuss, but you don't HAVE to do it.
I'd like to go to a party but I'm worried about being touched or bossed around by random Dominants, what can I do about this?
In general it's usually considered bad form to touch someone or try to dominate them when they don't belong to you. This sort of behavior is not acceptable (unless you like it) and if it makes you uncomfortable you should feel more than free to speak to the gathering's host, hostess, or who ever is in charge of keeping an eye on the festivities.
Do I need to "prove" that I'm worthy to serve a Dominant?
On one hand this is a little insulting, this "prove yourself" idea... But on the other hand, if you think about it, while you're "proving" how worthy you are of a Dominant, he should also be proving how worthy he is of your service. It's good to remember that these things can go both ways.
I work as a teacher (or some other public service job), how can I hide marks, disguise a collar, have a social life online without "outing" myself?
When you work in a job where it's important to keep your private life very private things can get tricky. You want to embrace your relationship dynamic, but you have to act a certain way at work... It's helpful to think that a collar is but a symbol, and anything can be a collar. A pretty necklace, a bracelet, or a ring would fit in with a professional job. Marks can be covered with clothes or makeup (Sephora makes an excellent concealer, it'll even cover tattoos). And if you want to participate on an online community it's best to remember that the less identifying information you have on your profile, the harder it is for someone to say, "OMG! That's my son's TEACHER!!!"
Yeeeeaah... Awkward.
What should I do if my needs are not being met?
The exact same thing you should do in a vanilla relationship if you find that you feel something is lacking; You talk about it without sounding accusatory. Ex: "I feel like I'm missing something." NOT "You're doing this wrong", and you listen to what your partner has to say about it. Communication is an important part of any relationship, so important that you might even want to call it a vital part of a relationship. If you don't talk about it, the lack won't correct itself.
My Dominant has been slacking in the Dom department, I don't know what's wrong. How can I fix this?
Again, you talk to him about it. It could be that he's sick, feeling pressured at work, or he might just need a break from D-Time. There are a lot of things that could be wrong but you'll never know what the issue is if you don't ask him.
As a submissive, do I have any responsibilities?
You do have responsibilities. Some of those will be obvious (following your Dom's orders and requests to take care of him or yourself) and some of them will be the same kind you've always had (paying bills, going to work, washing the dog). Being a submissive doesn't mean that you abdicate taking responsibility for yourself, your life and your happiness.
I called a fellow submissive "sister" the other day and she took my head off? What did I do wrong?
You didn't do anything wrong per se, but some people are rather picky about others presuming that a relationship exists between them just because of this one thing in they have in common. Other folks reserve the word sister for their actual blood kin or other very close female friends and if you don't fall into one of those categories you're not their "sister" and they might not be happy with you claiming a title they reserve for special women in their lives. In the interest of keeping your head attached firmly to your neck where it belongs, it's probably safest if you stay away from the "sister" word and stick with another term, like "fellow submissives."
Do I have to shave "done there"?
No, you don't have to do anything, much less shave your nether regions if you don't want to, but if you're vehemently opposed to below the belt grooming it's a good idea to discuss this with a prospective partner. Also- If you like a partner to practice "manscaping" (really cuts down on the hairballs and amount of pubes you get between your teeth) talking about his grooming habits might be something to discuss as well.
Do you ever feel bad when your Dominant takes care of you? Isn't it our job to take care of them?
You know, if I get sick or I'm troubled or if something bad happens, I want a partner who is going to be sensitive to that and act accordingly because in my mind that's what a good partner does. The fact that he might identify as a Dominant doesn't mean that I think he should never to do anything for me when I need it (or even if he's just feeling nice and wants to do something nice). And in all actuality, he enjoys getting a chance to take care of me because more often than not I'm the one taking care of him.
How do I tell my family and friends that I like being a submissive?
My mom is the only vanilla person outside of my relationship who knows about what Cookie and I do, and even then she only knows in the vaguest possible way. I told her because we have a dream that I shared with her because I wanted her input on a few factors, and it's come in helpful as she was present when I was writing this blog. But my mom's rather open-minded and I wasn't too concerned that she'd react badly.
I think an important thing to think of when considering telling your vanilla family and friends about your D/s activities is this: Are you doing it for them or are you doing it for you? Is knowing about your dynamic going to add to their life in a positive manner?
I know people like to share the things that are important to them, but to me there's a limit about what we should share and people that we should not share with. It's up to you to decide that for yourself and decide the way that sharing that information would cause them the least distress or awkwardness.
I'm so jealous of other submissives or women my Dominant interacts with, is this OK?
Jealousy happens to the best of us, especially if we think we have someone wonderful who other women may covet (I call these women "Cookie's groupies"). I don't know how to prevent jealousy or to make it go away entirely but it what helps me when I'm in the grip of the green-eyed monster is this: I think to myself, "Self," (because I'm a little schizto like that), "am I being an irrational twat or is there something here I need to be concerned about?" If I'm being irrational I acknowledge the fact that this feeling is just plain silly and I try to ignore it. If though, there is something pinging my "Something Shady" radar I pay attention to it. I try not to get worked up or to act like a maniac, but I do keep an eye on whatever is causing the issue.
And though some folks might say that jealousy is an insecurity issue, I'm going to argue that- I'm not insecure about my relationship, I trust that Cookie would verbally bitch slap any female who didn't respect our relationship, he's kinda awesome like that... What I don't trust are other women who don't give a fig about my relationship with him and could try to instill that seed of doubt in my head. Doubt is a nasty thing and I'd really rather nip their machinations in the bud before things can get to that stage.
Why do you call your Dominant "Cookie"?
Because he's the root of all that's evil. And if you just got the Bloodhound Gang reference there I'm awarding you 100 bonus points which are good for absolutely nothing! Woo!
Is this normal?My best friend's grandma used to say that normal was only a setting on a washing machine. Beyond washing machines there's really no such thing as "normal" because we're all unique individuals. A better question to ask might be "Am I making a choice that is good for me?" If you're exploring submission because it feels right for you, if you enjoy the idea of it, if it makes you happy and fulfills you, then you are most likely making a good choice.
What about feminism?Many people will equate submission with being anti-feminist. To me that's just not the case. The way I figure it is that our mothers, grandmothers and great-grandmothers fought so that we could have the right to choose the path that would give us the most happiness instead of being trapped in a life that didn't fulfill us. They might have fought so that we could grow up to be CEOs, lawyers, politicians, and doctors, we have those opportunities open to us thanks to them, but just because that option is there now doesn't mean we have to take it. Or if we do take it, it doesn't mean that in our private life we can't let someone else take the wheel and steer (so to speak). If you take the path that makes you happy then you're thanking all the women who came before us for giving you the freedom to make that decision for yourself.
I'm really outgoing and a take-charge kind of person, how can I be submissive?Submission is just another way that we relate to people... It's another facet of ourselves. And nobody is only one thing, all of the time. We're slightly different in different circumstances depending on the people who are around us. If you're loud and out-going with your friends that doesn't mean you can't be quiet and polite around your grandparents. If you're a take-no-prisoners boss at work that doesn't mean you can't cuddle up with your kids at home and read them Goodnight Moon. So just because you're outgoing and take-charge most of the time doesn't mean that you cannot relate to another person in a submissive way.
Do I have to submit to everybody who calls themselves a dominant?No! You only submit to the people you choose to submit to. Much like how you wouldn't let some random guy on the street walk up to you and start calling you and treating you like his girlfriend, you wouldn't let some random dominant person walk up to you and start bossing you around. If a random guy tries to make you submit to them when you don't want to you have every right to tell them to get lost. We're not just something a guy can pick up off a shelf and own. Most of the ladies I know put it this way, "I might be a submissive but I'm not YOUR submissive."
What is a collar?As you explore and become more familiar with the practices of other kinky folks, you'll notice that some submissives refer to themselves as "collared." Usually that means that that person is in a committed relationship with their dominant, the collar is just a symbol of that commitment.
Collars can also be something other than an accessory worn around the neck- Some people I know use a ring, a bracelet, an anklet, or a necklace, especially if they're out in public and don't want to get odd looks from vanilla people who don't understand D/s.
Also, not all collars mean the same thing. Some collars can have the kinky significance of a vanilla wedding band, but not all do. Some people wear a collar as a part of play, because they like how it looks, or because it gives them a tickle in their potty.
How do I become a TRUE submissive?"True" is a word you're going to stumble across a lot as you explore and learn more about D/s and I want to tell you right now that there is NO SUCH THING AS "TRUE" IN D/s. Really, there's not. Why not? Because there is no one right way to do this thing we do. There's no rule book for everybody to follow, there's no test to pass, most of us are making it up as we go along and learns what does, and does not, work for us.
Some people who use the word true just don't know any better, but a lot of them use it as a way to make themselves feel better than others ("I'm a true submissive, I was trained by master Wannabedom! I'm so awesome and you're not! Neener!"), or to make you feel bad about yourself so you'll do something for them ("Oh, well if you were a true submissive you would lick my boots clean and grovel at my feet because I am Mr. Super Uber Domly Man!").
The same thing applies to words like:
Real
Right
Wrong
Perfect
Proper
Etc... I'm sure you get the picture. There are no absolutes in general D/s. There's no right or wrong way to do this. The only thing that is important is being true to yourself.
W/why do P/people talk like T/this online?Because they're silly?
No, seriously, it's a way some people show "respect" for others if they're typing in mixed company (Doms and subs). It's called "slashy-speak" and it's annoying and slightly painful to read. If you want to do it you can, but there is no rule that says you have to.
Do I have to call every Dominant by some title ( Your Domliness, Sir, Master, Lord High Fluffybutt)? Because I tend to be a lazy git sometimes, I'm going to copy and paste something I wrote about my opinion on titles, you can make of it what you will, and decide if you want to use titles when talking to random Dominants.
What do you wish you had known when you were starting out?Everything that I'm writing about here. I had so many questions and there were so few people with answers I could relate to. Everything was an absolute and there didn't seem to be a place for me to fit in. I felt like a round peg that was trying to squish itself into a square hole. I wish I'd had someone to tell me that what I was feeling was normal, that it was OK, and that I didn't have to be anybody but myself.
In D/s who is really has the power?
Some people argue that the Dominant obviously has the power, some state the submissive has the ultimate power because she can stop everything with her safe word. My take is that BOTH parties have an equal amount of power.
A Dominant cannot dominate without a submissive partner, and a submissive cannot submit without a Dominant. Both parties have equal power in the relationship because both parties need to be in agreement for the relationship to work.
Is submission a gift?
There are submissives who view their submission as a gift and they have every right to view it as one if that's what floats their boat.
I'm not the kind of submissive that sees submission as a gift. I also don't see any of my other personality traits as gifts either. Just because I give someone some part of myself, submission, friendliness, love, what not and what have you... It doesn't make it a gift in my eyes, it's just part of interacting with others.
What, exactly, is "Funishment"?
"Funishment" is a kind of play where the submissive pretends to be "bad" so that the Dominant will "punish" them. Unlike real punishment, which is used to correct an unwanted behavior, "Funishment" is strictly for enjoyment. It's like playing the naughty school girl who hasn't finished her assignment and will now be "punished" for her infraction. The "punishment" is something desired, for fun. Thus the term Funishment.
What is a switch?
A switch is somebody who enjoys Dominating others and submitting to others. They're people who live in both worlds, usually not at the same time.
Can love be part of a D/s dynamic?
If you want to have love in your dynamic, then yes, it is entirely possible to find a Dominant partner who will love you.
On the other hand, if you're not interested in having love with your kink that's a possibility as well.
Is it possible to balance submission and independence?
Absolutely. You decide how much authority you want to give your partner and how much independence you want to keep.
Because of medical/physical issues I can't do something, can I still be a submissive?
There are a lot of submissives who have medical issues or physical issues that prevent them from performing activities that are often considered must-have or must-do for submissive women... They get along just fine with their Dominants who accept that they're human and they have limitations.
Do I have to use a "slave name" or "submissive name" or "scene name"?
Nope. If you're name is Amanda, and you want everybody to call you Amanda, then you are more than welcome to use Amanda. It is your name after all (only applicable for women actually named Amanda).
Erm... I played rough last night and today I have a doctor's appointment...
No worries. You might feel bashful about marks from play but your doctor has probably seen marks on patients a jillion times or so (give or take a few million depending on how long your Dr has been in practice). Just let the Doc know that the play that caused the marks was consensual and you should be golden.
Do all slave/submissive relationships have aspects of scene playing in them?
No, I wouldn't think that ALL dynamics have a play aspect to them, because not all dynamics are the same. While I suspect that a good many dynamics have some play aspect to them (play is fun after all) it's not necessary for a D/s relationship to include play.
How do I tell my (a) Dominant that I want to try something that I find interesting when I feel embarrassed or shy when it comes to talking about it?
I really hate that feeling, don't you? There are times when I'm very interested in something but telling when it comes to telling Cookie about it I freeze up because I don't want him to think I'm just too freaky-deaky.
What works for me in this case is posing the desired thing as a hypothetical, I write about it in a story or I say, "One of my friends likes this thing, what do you think about this thing?" If there's a positive response it helps me feel more secure about discussing it with him.
I'm jonesing for the sexing, but how do I initiate sex with my Dominant?
Ask him. Really, there's nothing wrong with saying "I would really enjoy it if we could have some sexy together time." He might say no, but asking is better than not asking and feeling resentful about wanting and not receiving.
Does a Dominant ever need to say that he's sorry?
The idea that just because someone identifies as a Dominant that they never need to apologize for a mistake is bunk. Mistakes happen and if "sorry" is what it takes to make it right, then suck it up and make it right. It's called common courtesy and it applies to everybody no matter what they identify as.
My Dominant wants me to give the best BJ/handjob/scromping ever in the history of mankind, how do I do that?
The easiest way to blow his mind is by knowing what he likes, and if you want to know what he likes then you need to ask him. It takes the guess work out of BJs and other sexy fun time things when you just ask what your partner prefers.
Is there a "right" thing to call my Dom?
The only right thing to call him is what he prefers. Not all Dominants like the same title or term of affection, while mine might be happy being called "Cookie," "The Boss," or "Sir Pooksalot" yours might not dig that quite as much.
Is there a time frame for being offered a collar?
Nope, there's not. It's a lot like getting engaged or getting married, people have different ideas about when is the correct time to do those things and their ideas might not be your idea. So it's a good thing it doesn't have to be. Some Dominants will get right to it and collar a sub quickly, others will want to take their time about it, and still more don't even think it's important and they'll never do it.
I have a hard time orgasming or I've never had an orgasm, does that make me less of a sub?
NO! Your ability to orgasm has nothing to do with how submissive you are. The plain, simple truth of the matter is not all women can orgasm or orgasm quickly.
Can I learn to orgasm on command?
It's kind of sad, but men who watch porn often get it into heir heads that all women have this amazing, super power-esque ability to orgasm on command of squirt like a Super Soaker. While it can be done it's often not an easy process and takes a lot of time, dedication, and patience. Cumming on command is a neat trick, but that's all it is- A trick that you might be able to learn.
If I ask my partner to do something is that Topping From The Bottom?
I think it depends on how you ask. If you're open and honest, I don't see a problem with asking to have your wants met. To me Topping From The Bottom is more of a manipulative thing where the submissive is trying to control the action.
My partner is vanilla, how can I introduce them to kink?
If you've just discovered D/s and you're rather excited about it you're probably eager to share this shiny, new thing with your partner. That's cool. But there's a way to do it and a way to do it and make a muck out of things.
When introducing a vanilla partner to kink you'll want to take things slow. Making the kink fun can be helpful too because who doesn't like to do things that are fun?. Perhaps you could make a bet over the outcome of something- "Hey, If the Bears win the Super Bowl I want to play Master of the Universe and his happy slave girl for an evening." Then after a few days pass you could tell your partner, "You know, I really enjoyed our play the other night. What did you think about it?" You've then let him know that you liked what you guys did and you're opening up the lines of communication.
If you get lucky you'll discover that your partner will be your perfect partner in D/s... But how long it takes for him to get there, and how far he's willing to go is up to him.
I'm being bothered by a Dominant who wants to become involved with me and I'm just not interested, how do I reject him?
Well, if you've already told him that you're not interested and he still hasn't acquired a clue you're going to have to hit him with a clue-by-four. Tell him in no uncertain terms to get lost (if you're feeling really helpful you might want to give him GPS directions on where to go and how to get there).
Some submissive women advocate the "Just tell him politely and nicely..." Me? I don't really see the need to be polite or nice to someone who isn't respecting your decision.
Do Dominants really "loan out" their submissives?
There are Dominants and submissives who feel that this activity is rewarding for them on some level and so they choose to engage in it as part of their dynamic. "Loaning out" or "sharing" is not something that happens in all D/s relationships though, and if it would work for you and your Dominant is something you'll have to figure out together.
Do I have to talk about myself using odd phrases like "this girl" or "this slave" all the time or can I just use "I"?
Like sharing this is something that's up to the people involved in the relationship. Some submissives and their Dominant partners like it, others don't If you want to use it, or not use it, is something you need to might want to discuss, but you don't HAVE to do it.
I'd like to go to a party but I'm worried about being touched or bossed around by random Dominants, what can I do about this?
In general it's usually considered bad form to touch someone or try to dominate them when they don't belong to you. This sort of behavior is not acceptable (unless you like it) and if it makes you uncomfortable you should feel more than free to speak to the gathering's host, hostess, or who ever is in charge of keeping an eye on the festivities.
Do I need to "prove" that I'm worthy to serve a Dominant?
On one hand this is a little insulting, this "prove yourself" idea... But on the other hand, if you think about it, while you're "proving" how worthy you are of a Dominant, he should also be proving how worthy he is of your service. It's good to remember that these things can go both ways.
I work as a teacher (or some other public service job), how can I hide marks, disguise a collar, have a social life online without "outing" myself?
When you work in a job where it's important to keep your private life very private things can get tricky. You want to embrace your relationship dynamic, but you have to act a certain way at work... It's helpful to think that a collar is but a symbol, and anything can be a collar. A pretty necklace, a bracelet, or a ring would fit in with a professional job. Marks can be covered with clothes or makeup (Sephora makes an excellent concealer, it'll even cover tattoos). And if you want to participate on an online community it's best to remember that the less identifying information you have on your profile, the harder it is for someone to say, "OMG! That's my son's TEACHER!!!"
Yeeeeaah... Awkward.
What should I do if my needs are not being met?
The exact same thing you should do in a vanilla relationship if you find that you feel something is lacking; You talk about it without sounding accusatory. Ex: "I feel like I'm missing something." NOT "You're doing this wrong", and you listen to what your partner has to say about it. Communication is an important part of any relationship, so important that you might even want to call it a vital part of a relationship. If you don't talk about it, the lack won't correct itself.
My Dominant has been slacking in the Dom department, I don't know what's wrong. How can I fix this?
Again, you talk to him about it. It could be that he's sick, feeling pressured at work, or he might just need a break from D-Time. There are a lot of things that could be wrong but you'll never know what the issue is if you don't ask him.
As a submissive, do I have any responsibilities?
You do have responsibilities. Some of those will be obvious (following your Dom's orders and requests to take care of him or yourself) and some of them will be the same kind you've always had (paying bills, going to work, washing the dog). Being a submissive doesn't mean that you abdicate taking responsibility for yourself, your life and your happiness.
I called a fellow submissive "sister" the other day and she took my head off? What did I do wrong?
You didn't do anything wrong per se, but some people are rather picky about others presuming that a relationship exists between them just because of this one thing in they have in common. Other folks reserve the word sister for their actual blood kin or other very close female friends and if you don't fall into one of those categories you're not their "sister" and they might not be happy with you claiming a title they reserve for special women in their lives. In the interest of keeping your head attached firmly to your neck where it belongs, it's probably safest if you stay away from the "sister" word and stick with another term, like "fellow submissives."
Do I have to shave "done there"?
No, you don't have to do anything, much less shave your nether regions if you don't want to, but if you're vehemently opposed to below the belt grooming it's a good idea to discuss this with a prospective partner. Also- If you like a partner to practice "manscaping" (really cuts down on the hairballs and amount of pubes you get between your teeth) talking about his grooming habits might be something to discuss as well.
Do you ever feel bad when your Dominant takes care of you? Isn't it our job to take care of them?
You know, if I get sick or I'm troubled or if something bad happens, I want a partner who is going to be sensitive to that and act accordingly because in my mind that's what a good partner does. The fact that he might identify as a Dominant doesn't mean that I think he should never to do anything for me when I need it (or even if he's just feeling nice and wants to do something nice). And in all actuality, he enjoys getting a chance to take care of me because more often than not I'm the one taking care of him.
How do I tell my family and friends that I like being a submissive?
My mom is the only vanilla person outside of my relationship who knows about what Cookie and I do, and even then she only knows in the vaguest possible way. I told her because we have a dream that I shared with her because I wanted her input on a few factors, and it's come in helpful as she was present when I was writing this blog. But my mom's rather open-minded and I wasn't too concerned that she'd react badly.
I think an important thing to think of when considering telling your vanilla family and friends about your D/s activities is this: Are you doing it for them or are you doing it for you? Is knowing about your dynamic going to add to their life in a positive manner?
I know people like to share the things that are important to them, but to me there's a limit about what we should share and people that we should not share with. It's up to you to decide that for yourself and decide the way that sharing that information would cause them the least distress or awkwardness.
I'm so jealous of other submissives or women my Dominant interacts with, is this OK?
Jealousy happens to the best of us, especially if we think we have someone wonderful who other women may covet (I call these women "Cookie's groupies"). I don't know how to prevent jealousy or to make it go away entirely but it what helps me when I'm in the grip of the green-eyed monster is this: I think to myself, "Self," (because I'm a little schizto like that), "am I being an irrational twat or is there something here I need to be concerned about?" If I'm being irrational I acknowledge the fact that this feeling is just plain silly and I try to ignore it. If though, there is something pinging my "Something Shady" radar I pay attention to it. I try not to get worked up or to act like a maniac, but I do keep an eye on whatever is causing the issue.
And though some folks might say that jealousy is an insecurity issue, I'm going to argue that- I'm not insecure about my relationship, I trust that Cookie would verbally bitch slap any female who didn't respect our relationship, he's kinda awesome like that... What I don't trust are other women who don't give a fig about my relationship with him and could try to instill that seed of doubt in my head. Doubt is a nasty thing and I'd really rather nip their machinations in the bud before things can get to that stage.
Why do you call your Dominant "Cookie"?
Because he's the root of all that's evil. And if you just got the Bloodhound Gang reference there I'm awarding you 100 bonus points which are good for absolutely nothing! Woo!
Frenzied Behavior: On "Sub-Frenzy"
Do you know that feeling, the one where when you discover something new and exciting you want to know everything about it all at once, and then put everything you know into practice right away, because it's so freaking cool and neat and kickass and awesome? In The Land of Submissives that's known as "frenzy."
Frenzy, that drive to have it all and experience it all RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND, is something that many submissives seem to go through. And that's understandable considering that this D/s thing can be very exciting (for many of us it is a fantasy come to life). It's the honeymoon phase of the relationship you'll have with D/s where everything is shining and perfect, much like how vanillas call the first few months that you're seeing someone new the honeymoon phase of your relationship. And then, once you've had enough time with D/s things settle down and become old hat. You get used to it and that drive to experience everything right at this second in time fades away.
Not all new submissives will experience frenzy, and I think they're lucky in a way because without the craziness they're probably gathering information and knowledge in a more logical manner than someone who's battling a wild woman that lives inside her head and is yowling "Submit! Get me the sexings! I want a collar NOW! Nownownow!" That chick is an evil harpy and she makes you want to do stuff you know is just plain nuts.
But until things settle down for those who get a case of the frenzy, frenzy is something you should be aware of so you can watch your reactions to things and ask yourself, "Am I acting like a fairly sane, well-adjusted woman or am I acting like a raving lunatic who is making poor choices?" Eventually it will go away and you'll go back to your normal (a relative term for most folks) self. Until then be careful of yourself.
In a thread about frenzy that was posted in a group I visit ("Submissive Women" on Fetlife), this is what I had to say:Did you have any sub frenzy when you were new?I sort of had it, but seeing as I was married to a painfully vanilla guy there wasn't really much I could do about it.
If so, how did it manifest itself?I wanted to know everything there was to know and I went off the information deep end. I lurked on every web page I could find that had anything to do with D/s.
What were your particular symptoms?Reading, reading, and more reading. Skulking about on yahoo chat and using poorly written erotica to get my fix. Having particularly epic, and kinky, day dreams.
Did you make poor decisions?Well, not really. But there are some stories that I kinda wish I could unread.
Did you need to try out all and try it all NOW?Totally. I just never got the chance.
Did you see a collar as the ultimate goal and accept one "too early"?Back then I did. Had the "OMG! Collar!" frenzy too.
Of course, back then, having no outlet for this sub side of me, and being married to vanilla-boy... Kinda put a bit of a damper on the frenzy. The only outlets were reading and skulking about on various sites. In retrospect, it was a very good thing as I couldn't do anything stupid and the end result was that I ended up with a whole lot of information; some bad but most of it very good, and I had time to figure out what I really wanted from a relationship.
Back then I wanted the Super sub thing- Being perfectly obedient, a horribly bossy and domly Dom, 24/7 micromanagement... Things that today would drive me stark-raving, certifiably nuts in a matter of minutes. Having the enforced hiatus, well, I got perspective. Figured out that although I really did want the Dom, I wanted one who'd value and appreciate all of me and wouldn't want to have me be something I wasn't.
So by the time Cookie came around, and we figured out that we were both interested in some sort of power exchange (because we started out vanilla)- I wasn't frenzied and looking for Uber Dom, I was looking for someone just like him, someone who complimented and completed me not the fantasy I had of myself and D/s way back when.
This is from another person in that same thread, where I was just a little nuts, she went completely nuts- Thankfully she survived her frenzy and learned from it, she's a smart lady and I really liked what she said so I'm sharing it with you:
Did you have any sub frenzy when you were new?God yes! I thought I had suddenly discovered the end-all and be-all of my entire personality and everything I ever wanted and it was amazing and so good and awesome and how could I ever stop. If that sounds frantic, it's suppose to...that's just about how I was. I found the original castle realm site and thought I had uncovered buried treasure!
If so, how did it manifest itself?
Being as young as I was, I had issues keeping this part of my life hidden from the people who didn't need to know. Most of those issues arose because I wasn't careful. At all. At one point, I actually got on a bus and traveled around 200 miles to meet with a man and his wife who wanted a third. Only after getting there did I discover that part of their interest in a third was a Nanny for the 1 year old daughter that they intended to raise as a slave. Gah! Had to call my mom to send me a plane ticket back home!!!
I was such an idiot. I met men, and women, who I honestly (looking back) did not know nearly enough about. I allowed myself to be in situations, more than once, where someone could've killed me and no one would've had a clue where to look. I would've just disappeared.
What were your particular symptoms?Stupidity, mostly. I can't say for sure if it was all frenzy, or a mixture of frenzy and immaturity, but I'd be willing to bet on the latter.
Did you make poor decisions?Oh yeah!
Did you need to try out all and try it all NOW?Yes!! I needed to know, feel, see, hear, etc....EVERYTHING....and I needed it yesterday!
Did you see a collar as the ultimate goal and accept one "too early"?Yes, of course. Isn't the ultimate goal in the life of a submissive person to be completely owned and never have to make another decision as long as she lives? /insert sarcasm
I accepted more than one 'too early', quite a few online, which is stupid. A couple in real life, which is also stupid, considering I did so within weeks, and at the most, a few months, into the relationship.
Needless to say, none of those relationships worked out. However, I did learn from them, and I never would've listened to anyone who tried to tell me I was doing it wrong back then....it was all everyone else's fault, the fake masters, the lying sisters, etc....It took a long time for me to accept that it was my responsibility to protect myself, and that I was being hasty and stupid.
Frenzy is a strange thing, and can affect each submissive differently, or not at all. The key thing to remember is: Everybody who has experienced it has come out the other side eventually, but it's up to you to make sure you come out of it whole and healthy.
Frenzy, that drive to have it all and experience it all RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND, is something that many submissives seem to go through. And that's understandable considering that this D/s thing can be very exciting (for many of us it is a fantasy come to life). It's the honeymoon phase of the relationship you'll have with D/s where everything is shining and perfect, much like how vanillas call the first few months that you're seeing someone new the honeymoon phase of your relationship. And then, once you've had enough time with D/s things settle down and become old hat. You get used to it and that drive to experience everything right at this second in time fades away.
Not all new submissives will experience frenzy, and I think they're lucky in a way because without the craziness they're probably gathering information and knowledge in a more logical manner than someone who's battling a wild woman that lives inside her head and is yowling "Submit! Get me the sexings! I want a collar NOW! Nownownow!" That chick is an evil harpy and she makes you want to do stuff you know is just plain nuts.
But until things settle down for those who get a case of the frenzy, frenzy is something you should be aware of so you can watch your reactions to things and ask yourself, "Am I acting like a fairly sane, well-adjusted woman or am I acting like a raving lunatic who is making poor choices?" Eventually it will go away and you'll go back to your normal (a relative term for most folks) self. Until then be careful of yourself.
In a thread about frenzy that was posted in a group I visit ("Submissive Women" on Fetlife), this is what I had to say:Did you have any sub frenzy when you were new?I sort of had it, but seeing as I was married to a painfully vanilla guy there wasn't really much I could do about it.
If so, how did it manifest itself?I wanted to know everything there was to know and I went off the information deep end. I lurked on every web page I could find that had anything to do with D/s.
What were your particular symptoms?Reading, reading, and more reading. Skulking about on yahoo chat and using poorly written erotica to get my fix. Having particularly epic, and kinky, day dreams.
Did you make poor decisions?Well, not really. But there are some stories that I kinda wish I could unread.
Did you need to try out all and try it all NOW?Totally. I just never got the chance.
Did you see a collar as the ultimate goal and accept one "too early"?Back then I did. Had the "OMG! Collar!" frenzy too.
Of course, back then, having no outlet for this sub side of me, and being married to vanilla-boy... Kinda put a bit of a damper on the frenzy. The only outlets were reading and skulking about on various sites. In retrospect, it was a very good thing as I couldn't do anything stupid and the end result was that I ended up with a whole lot of information; some bad but most of it very good, and I had time to figure out what I really wanted from a relationship.
Back then I wanted the Super sub thing- Being perfectly obedient, a horribly bossy and domly Dom, 24/7 micromanagement... Things that today would drive me stark-raving, certifiably nuts in a matter of minutes. Having the enforced hiatus, well, I got perspective. Figured out that although I really did want the Dom, I wanted one who'd value and appreciate all of me and wouldn't want to have me be something I wasn't.
So by the time Cookie came around, and we figured out that we were both interested in some sort of power exchange (because we started out vanilla)- I wasn't frenzied and looking for Uber Dom, I was looking for someone just like him, someone who complimented and completed me not the fantasy I had of myself and D/s way back when.
This is from another person in that same thread, where I was just a little nuts, she went completely nuts- Thankfully she survived her frenzy and learned from it, she's a smart lady and I really liked what she said so I'm sharing it with you:
Did you have any sub frenzy when you were new?God yes! I thought I had suddenly discovered the end-all and be-all of my entire personality and everything I ever wanted and it was amazing and so good and awesome and how could I ever stop. If that sounds frantic, it's suppose to...that's just about how I was. I found the original castle realm site and thought I had uncovered buried treasure!
If so, how did it manifest itself?
Being as young as I was, I had issues keeping this part of my life hidden from the people who didn't need to know. Most of those issues arose because I wasn't careful. At all. At one point, I actually got on a bus and traveled around 200 miles to meet with a man and his wife who wanted a third. Only after getting there did I discover that part of their interest in a third was a Nanny for the 1 year old daughter that they intended to raise as a slave. Gah! Had to call my mom to send me a plane ticket back home!!!
I was such an idiot. I met men, and women, who I honestly (looking back) did not know nearly enough about. I allowed myself to be in situations, more than once, where someone could've killed me and no one would've had a clue where to look. I would've just disappeared.
What were your particular symptoms?Stupidity, mostly. I can't say for sure if it was all frenzy, or a mixture of frenzy and immaturity, but I'd be willing to bet on the latter.
Did you make poor decisions?Oh yeah!
Did you need to try out all and try it all NOW?Yes!! I needed to know, feel, see, hear, etc....EVERYTHING....and I needed it yesterday!
Did you see a collar as the ultimate goal and accept one "too early"?Yes, of course. Isn't the ultimate goal in the life of a submissive person to be completely owned and never have to make another decision as long as she lives? /insert sarcasm
I accepted more than one 'too early', quite a few online, which is stupid. A couple in real life, which is also stupid, considering I did so within weeks, and at the most, a few months, into the relationship.
Needless to say, none of those relationships worked out. However, I did learn from them, and I never would've listened to anyone who tried to tell me I was doing it wrong back then....it was all everyone else's fault, the fake masters, the lying sisters, etc....It took a long time for me to accept that it was my responsibility to protect myself, and that I was being hasty and stupid.
Frenzy is a strange thing, and can affect each submissive differently, or not at all. The key thing to remember is: Everybody who has experienced it has come out the other side eventually, but it's up to you to make sure you come out of it whole and healthy.
A (red) flag on the field.
So what is a "Red Flag"?
A red flag is a term used to indicate that someone's behavior is shady or just plain unacceptable, that it's abusive or bordering abuse. It's a term you'll often see bandied about online in forums devoted to BDSM, Kink, or D/s relationships. Sometimes when someone tosses a flag on the field of play there's a good reason, but often times the flag-tosser is being an alarmist. That's the thing about red flags, they're sometimes subjective. I'll leave it to you to decide.
These are some of the most common issues that raise a "red flag" with most people- Sometimes they're cause for valid concern, or sometimes they're just the way tow people interact in a healthy way.
1) Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community.
This one is typically a classic sign of an abuser. If your support network no longer exists then you're less likely to leave the abuser or seek help. Keeping you isolated keeps you dependent on the abuser.
Of course, if you tend to be a loner, or you and your partner are just home-bodies who are happiest in each other's company... What could look like a red flag to anybody outside your relationship may be just the way you function best. Some people do not need many people around them.
2) Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
This one is subjective to interpretation. Sure, he might be hiding something from you, or he might just be a private person. This is an instance where only time, his words, and actions will tell. If enough time passes where you would usually expect a person you're trying to get to know to share certain details of their life with you, and he's still being evasive about who he (or she) is... It may be time to rethink the whole "getting to know you" thing.
3) Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.
Not a red flag to me. It might be nice if you can talk to a potential dominant's ex subs and friends, but some folks are loners and others like their privacy or have issues with a potential partner talking to an ex. Some dominants don't have past partners to talk to.
I feel that this is an issue that can often be over-come by spending time with that person and communicating with them.
4) Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
On one hand I can see how it might rub someone the wrong way if you want to talk to their ex subs about them or if you start poking around and talking to the community about them... But on the other hand, what's the big deal about it if you're open and honest about what you need to know to feel comfortable and they have nothing to hide?
5) Is inconsistent with details about themselves.
This one would set my alarm bells ringing. If one day he's a CEO and a week later he's a Football Star? If one day he has 2 submissives and the next day he's suddenly monogamous? Consistency builds trust, I'd have a hard time trusting someone who couldn't keep their facts about themselves straight.
6) Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
This depends entirely on what both parties consider an appropriate time. Some people will give you everything but their social security number on a first date, others keep those things to themselves for months.
7) Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
For a long time I was a night owl and the only time people could reliably get hold of me was late at night and I would get peevish when they called me during the day (I was sleeping and I'm never nice when I'm woken out of a sound sleep). Of course if you get the feeling that the strange hours are because he's married and being shady, then you ought to pay attention to your gut.
8)Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.
I criticize the community at times, there's a lot of drama and politics that happen which is slightly annoying if you're not into that sort of thing. That, and some people don't care to belong to a "community", they're happy doing their own thing.
9) Consistently breaks promises.
Once in a while with good reason? Sure. But consistently? That's a wee bit on this side of shady.
10) Always finds excuses for not meeting real time.
This is usually a good sign that someone is not who they say they are.
11) Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
Everybody shifts the blame occasionally, but nobody does it all the time. Someone who is shifting the blame to others on a regular basis makes me think that they have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions and can often be a set-up for the all-too-common "I didn't want to hit you, but you made me do it" line.
12) Does not take personal responsibility.
I don't know if it's a red flag, but that is a sign of someone I wouldn't want to be involved with.
13) Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
Plenty of people are estranged from their family for one reason or another, this isn't always a sign of a potential abuser.
14) Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.
If they're not respecting your limits, they're not respecting you.
15) Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
See above. Respect is an important part of any relationship as is being able to trust that someone will be able to stick with agreements they've made.
16) Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
It could mean that they're a bad person looking to take advantage of a newbie's naiveté by rushing them into a relationship before they have time to discover themselves or do any learning on their own... Or, they could just be a bit too enthusiastic.
17) Swears undying love before even meeting you.
Not very realistic, and perhaps a bit clingy, but abusive?
18 Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
Hiding is the red flag here. If you have a simple question that needs a simple answer and the Dominant claims you can't question him because he's the Dom and always right.... That's not conducive to a healthy relationship.
19) Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a "True" sub.
Guilt is bad. Making someone feel guilty on purpose is mean. Whipping out the word "true" to make you feel bad about yourself is pretty shitty. Sadly, this is a fairly common tactic for predators and abusers to use, they count on a newbie's guilt or insecurity to over-ride their common sense.
20) Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name calling and blame.
At some point most people will lose their temper and say things they regret, I think the difference between an average person and an abuser is that with abusers it happens far more frequently and it's not just a not-nice thing said in the heat of passion- It's something purposefully designed to wound their partner.
21) Puts you down in front of other people.
If it's a consensual fetish, it's all good. If it's mean-spirited, then that's a red flag to me.
22) Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.If they could do it to a friend, they can and will do it to you. This speaks to a lack of loyalty. Of course, the thing this flag doesn't address is what might have the friend done to garner such a reaction? Did the friend borrow a lighter and forget to return it or did they kill the person's dog?
23) Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
Stress can make people react in inappropriate ways, but if there's a consistent pattern of unpredictable behavior you might want to question what the cause of it is.
24) Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
I tend to categorize people who lack basic manners and courtesy as inept jerks, I don't know if that makes them abusers though.
25) Lies or withholds information. Cheats on you or is overly jealous.
The first part of this is a red flag because to me dishonesty is a red flag. The second? Who is defining overly jealous? Cookie tends to be jealous, and I'm OK with that- Some of my friends might consider it "overly" jealous, but I don't...
26) Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
Some people think that planning to far ahead is asking fate to throw a monkey wrench in their relationship's inner workings. But if you ask why they won't discuss the future and they don't have a good answer it could be cause for concern.
27) Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
I feel that this is just paranoid silliness.
28)Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
For me this is a bad sign. People who care about you will care about your rights, feelings, and opinions.
29) Belittles your ideas.
Not necessarily a red flag, some people have silly ideas and need to know it's a silly idea. But there's a difference in saying to someone, "I don't think that's the best idea" and saying "That's a stupid idea and you're stupid for having it."
30) Blames you for your hurt feelings.
For me this would depend on what caused the hurt feelings? Was it something he did, am I over-reacting, there are a few factors that might make this a molehill instead of a mountain.
31) Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
A vast majority of the time it's not a good idea to become involved with someone who is currently an addict. I feel this way because in BDSM a great deal of what it is that we do revolves around control and self-control; abusing substances is not conducive to remaining in control of one's self.
32) Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.
This is shady behavior in my book, unless there is a legitimate reason for it. It's up to you to decide what a legitimate reason is.
33) Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
Why are they doing this? Is it a genuine cry for help or is it manipulative? "I'm so sad that I want to kill myself" could be someone asking for help or it could be someone exhibiting attention-seeking behavior. "If you don't gang-bang the local football team I'll kill myself" is an entirely different matter.
34) Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
I really have nothing to say about this, do you?
35) Wants control of your money or finances and you are not living together.
When not living together? I would say that this is a bad idea unless you have very good reason to believe that this person will, without a doubt, act in your best interests.
36) ONLY interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role- playing.
What if that is what the other person wants, too? Not all D/s or M/s relationships are 24/7. Some are bedroom only. Some relationships are based on kinky role-playing.
37) Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
Some people don't want to include vanilla life in their play, so long as both partners are OK with this decision I don't see why it's wrong.
38 Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
Some people don't display many emotions, this doesn't mean they're always a bad person for doing so it just means they might not comfortable letting you see that part of them.
39) Has multiple online identities for interacting within the same communities.
This could be shady or it could have a logical explanation behind it. I use two online identities- This one for writing and another one for the two kinky sites I belong to. It's not devious, I just needed a better nom de plume than Cookie's squeaky for a blogger account.
40) Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
Without explanation is the key phrase here. If someone drops off the radar it's generally considered nice to answer why that happened, if there's no explanation though that could be an indicator that they might be up to no good.
41) Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
If that's an agreed part of your dynamic, that's fine. If he's doing it because he's paranoid and doesn't trust you that's a different matter and might be worth having a discussion about.
42) You cannot make friends or talk to others without his permission.
This is sometimes a valid part of other's dynamics. But if the dominant is insisting on it and you're not comfortable with it...
43) Charm is not a character trait it is a developed skill used to make others feel comfortable in your company and drop their guard
This is just horse droppings.
So, as you can see red flags are open to interpretation, they're subjective. If you're feeling safe, happy and fulfilled in your relationship then what someone else might see as a red flag might just be an agreed upon rule or a request from your partner. But still, as silly as some "red flags" might seem, it's not a bad idea to be aware of certain things and keep your eyes open.
A red flag is a term used to indicate that someone's behavior is shady or just plain unacceptable, that it's abusive or bordering abuse. It's a term you'll often see bandied about online in forums devoted to BDSM, Kink, or D/s relationships. Sometimes when someone tosses a flag on the field of play there's a good reason, but often times the flag-tosser is being an alarmist. That's the thing about red flags, they're sometimes subjective. I'll leave it to you to decide.
These are some of the most common issues that raise a "red flag" with most people- Sometimes they're cause for valid concern, or sometimes they're just the way tow people interact in a healthy way.
1) Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community.
This one is typically a classic sign of an abuser. If your support network no longer exists then you're less likely to leave the abuser or seek help. Keeping you isolated keeps you dependent on the abuser.
Of course, if you tend to be a loner, or you and your partner are just home-bodies who are happiest in each other's company... What could look like a red flag to anybody outside your relationship may be just the way you function best. Some people do not need many people around them.
2) Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
This one is subjective to interpretation. Sure, he might be hiding something from you, or he might just be a private person. This is an instance where only time, his words, and actions will tell. If enough time passes where you would usually expect a person you're trying to get to know to share certain details of their life with you, and he's still being evasive about who he (or she) is... It may be time to rethink the whole "getting to know you" thing.
3) Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.
Not a red flag to me. It might be nice if you can talk to a potential dominant's ex subs and friends, but some folks are loners and others like their privacy or have issues with a potential partner talking to an ex. Some dominants don't have past partners to talk to.
I feel that this is an issue that can often be over-come by spending time with that person and communicating with them.
4) Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
On one hand I can see how it might rub someone the wrong way if you want to talk to their ex subs about them or if you start poking around and talking to the community about them... But on the other hand, what's the big deal about it if you're open and honest about what you need to know to feel comfortable and they have nothing to hide?
5) Is inconsistent with details about themselves.
This one would set my alarm bells ringing. If one day he's a CEO and a week later he's a Football Star? If one day he has 2 submissives and the next day he's suddenly monogamous? Consistency builds trust, I'd have a hard time trusting someone who couldn't keep their facts about themselves straight.
6) Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
This depends entirely on what both parties consider an appropriate time. Some people will give you everything but their social security number on a first date, others keep those things to themselves for months.
7) Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
For a long time I was a night owl and the only time people could reliably get hold of me was late at night and I would get peevish when they called me during the day (I was sleeping and I'm never nice when I'm woken out of a sound sleep). Of course if you get the feeling that the strange hours are because he's married and being shady, then you ought to pay attention to your gut.
8)Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.
I criticize the community at times, there's a lot of drama and politics that happen which is slightly annoying if you're not into that sort of thing. That, and some people don't care to belong to a "community", they're happy doing their own thing.
9) Consistently breaks promises.
Once in a while with good reason? Sure. But consistently? That's a wee bit on this side of shady.
10) Always finds excuses for not meeting real time.
This is usually a good sign that someone is not who they say they are.
11) Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
Everybody shifts the blame occasionally, but nobody does it all the time. Someone who is shifting the blame to others on a regular basis makes me think that they have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions and can often be a set-up for the all-too-common "I didn't want to hit you, but you made me do it" line.
12) Does not take personal responsibility.
I don't know if it's a red flag, but that is a sign of someone I wouldn't want to be involved with.
13) Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
Plenty of people are estranged from their family for one reason or another, this isn't always a sign of a potential abuser.
14) Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.
If they're not respecting your limits, they're not respecting you.
15) Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
See above. Respect is an important part of any relationship as is being able to trust that someone will be able to stick with agreements they've made.
16) Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
It could mean that they're a bad person looking to take advantage of a newbie's naiveté by rushing them into a relationship before they have time to discover themselves or do any learning on their own... Or, they could just be a bit too enthusiastic.
17) Swears undying love before even meeting you.
Not very realistic, and perhaps a bit clingy, but abusive?
18 Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
Hiding is the red flag here. If you have a simple question that needs a simple answer and the Dominant claims you can't question him because he's the Dom and always right.... That's not conducive to a healthy relationship.
19) Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a "True" sub.
Guilt is bad. Making someone feel guilty on purpose is mean. Whipping out the word "true" to make you feel bad about yourself is pretty shitty. Sadly, this is a fairly common tactic for predators and abusers to use, they count on a newbie's guilt or insecurity to over-ride their common sense.
20) Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name calling and blame.
At some point most people will lose their temper and say things they regret, I think the difference between an average person and an abuser is that with abusers it happens far more frequently and it's not just a not-nice thing said in the heat of passion- It's something purposefully designed to wound their partner.
21) Puts you down in front of other people.
If it's a consensual fetish, it's all good. If it's mean-spirited, then that's a red flag to me.
22) Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.If they could do it to a friend, they can and will do it to you. This speaks to a lack of loyalty. Of course, the thing this flag doesn't address is what might have the friend done to garner such a reaction? Did the friend borrow a lighter and forget to return it or did they kill the person's dog?
23) Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
Stress can make people react in inappropriate ways, but if there's a consistent pattern of unpredictable behavior you might want to question what the cause of it is.
24) Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
I tend to categorize people who lack basic manners and courtesy as inept jerks, I don't know if that makes them abusers though.
25) Lies or withholds information. Cheats on you or is overly jealous.
The first part of this is a red flag because to me dishonesty is a red flag. The second? Who is defining overly jealous? Cookie tends to be jealous, and I'm OK with that- Some of my friends might consider it "overly" jealous, but I don't...
26) Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
Some people think that planning to far ahead is asking fate to throw a monkey wrench in their relationship's inner workings. But if you ask why they won't discuss the future and they don't have a good answer it could be cause for concern.
27) Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
I feel that this is just paranoid silliness.
28)Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
For me this is a bad sign. People who care about you will care about your rights, feelings, and opinions.
29) Belittles your ideas.
Not necessarily a red flag, some people have silly ideas and need to know it's a silly idea. But there's a difference in saying to someone, "I don't think that's the best idea" and saying "That's a stupid idea and you're stupid for having it."
30) Blames you for your hurt feelings.
For me this would depend on what caused the hurt feelings? Was it something he did, am I over-reacting, there are a few factors that might make this a molehill instead of a mountain.
31) Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
A vast majority of the time it's not a good idea to become involved with someone who is currently an addict. I feel this way because in BDSM a great deal of what it is that we do revolves around control and self-control; abusing substances is not conducive to remaining in control of one's self.
32) Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.
This is shady behavior in my book, unless there is a legitimate reason for it. It's up to you to decide what a legitimate reason is.
33) Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
Why are they doing this? Is it a genuine cry for help or is it manipulative? "I'm so sad that I want to kill myself" could be someone asking for help or it could be someone exhibiting attention-seeking behavior. "If you don't gang-bang the local football team I'll kill myself" is an entirely different matter.
34) Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
I really have nothing to say about this, do you?
35) Wants control of your money or finances and you are not living together.
When not living together? I would say that this is a bad idea unless you have very good reason to believe that this person will, without a doubt, act in your best interests.
36) ONLY interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role- playing.
What if that is what the other person wants, too? Not all D/s or M/s relationships are 24/7. Some are bedroom only. Some relationships are based on kinky role-playing.
37) Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
Some people don't want to include vanilla life in their play, so long as both partners are OK with this decision I don't see why it's wrong.
38 Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
Some people don't display many emotions, this doesn't mean they're always a bad person for doing so it just means they might not comfortable letting you see that part of them.
39) Has multiple online identities for interacting within the same communities.
This could be shady or it could have a logical explanation behind it. I use two online identities- This one for writing and another one for the two kinky sites I belong to. It's not devious, I just needed a better nom de plume than Cookie's squeaky for a blogger account.
40) Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
Without explanation is the key phrase here. If someone drops off the radar it's generally considered nice to answer why that happened, if there's no explanation though that could be an indicator that they might be up to no good.
41) Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
If that's an agreed part of your dynamic, that's fine. If he's doing it because he's paranoid and doesn't trust you that's a different matter and might be worth having a discussion about.
42) You cannot make friends or talk to others without his permission.
This is sometimes a valid part of other's dynamics. But if the dominant is insisting on it and you're not comfortable with it...
43) Charm is not a character trait it is a developed skill used to make others feel comfortable in your company and drop their guard
This is just horse droppings.
So, as you can see red flags are open to interpretation, they're subjective. If you're feeling safe, happy and fulfilled in your relationship then what someone else might see as a red flag might just be an agreed upon rule or a request from your partner. But still, as silly as some "red flags" might seem, it's not a bad idea to be aware of certain things and keep your eyes open.
Keep Your Clothes On
Trolling fet I found the following:
[name redacted] has given me the following task:
No bras or panties for 1 week. I can wear a sports bra to the gym, but no top over it.
Each day while in public I have to flash my pussy/tits to a man, making sure to make eye contact.
Bonus points for masturbation.
Document each day on Fetlife.
The writer followed that with descriptions of her in-public antics (and photographic proof). And me? I just sat there after reading it wondering, "Why am I so disturbed by this?"
I'm a big fan of YKINMYATOK (an insanely long abbreviation for You Kink Is Not My Kink And That's OK). I totally get that folks are going to be into shit I don't like, or I find distasteful, or that just doesn't float my boat. It's not a big deal, I just generally avoid looking at the stuff I don't like. I'm also a rather vocal supporter of not needing the public's consent to partake in harmless kink- Things like using a title for your significant other, or wearing a collar, or a number of other things that might not exactly be in good taste but are not illegal.
But I had a rather violent and visceral negative reaction to this girl's stunt. Her kink isn't my kink and you know what? It's NOT ok. I couldn't help but imagine how I'd feel if some random twit flashed her junk at me in a park or the grocery store... Embarrassed? Probably. A bit squicked? Yeah, definitely that. Pissed? You bet. But mostly, being a kinkster and a HUGE fan of SSC and RACK, I'd be livid that she would blithely remove my ability to consent or not consent before subjecting me to her kinky games. And that is where the visceral reaction came from, I think.
If she meandered up to me and said, "Hey, I've got this task... Can I flash you?" I'd be cool with it. I wouldn't enjoy it (chicks just don't do anything for me), but I'd play along. I mean, why not? It's just junk- I've got the same stuff in my bra and skivvies. I might even get a laugh out of it... But to do that without my consent? Not cool.
Now, supposedly where this chick is public nudity is OK- So long as it's not sexual in nature. I'm cool with that, skinny-dipping is something I've participated in (with a lot of other naked people too- Anybody ever been to The Classic at Pennsic?). I tend to think that the whole "Guys can go shirtless but girls can't" thing is silly beyond words. I have no problem with nudity, so again it's got to be that consent issue rearing it's head at me again. I consent to see naked people at The Classic, I consent to see their junk blowing in the breeze, I do not consent to see your bits at the grocery store or the park or any other place where I'm not expecting to see a naked person or someone's genitalia.
And I suspect that the "not cool"ness feeling I have extends to other folks who are out minding their own damn business and who do not or have not consented to see her junk. Sure, some folks might like it (some folks might really, really like it), but from this chick's writing it sounded like a few of her targets (for lack of a better word) were not pleasantly surprised with her free peep-show:
"As he walked past me, I lifted my shirt and flashed him my breasts. He said "oh goodness" and continued walking. I'm not sure if he said anything else but it might have been "don't do that again" LOL I guess all the people hating on this task are right, I probably shouldn't flash my sexual organs to people."
Meh. It bothers me. Consent is one of the best weapons we have in our arsenal to battle the negative perceptions of BDSM, and here's this chick who's basically saying "Fuck your consent" and laughing about it.
And that, to me, is about as not cool as it can get.
[name redacted] has given me the following task:
No bras or panties for 1 week. I can wear a sports bra to the gym, but no top over it.
Each day while in public I have to flash my pussy/tits to a man, making sure to make eye contact.
Bonus points for masturbation.
Document each day on Fetlife.
The writer followed that with descriptions of her in-public antics (and photographic proof). And me? I just sat there after reading it wondering, "Why am I so disturbed by this?"
I'm a big fan of YKINMYATOK (an insanely long abbreviation for You Kink Is Not My Kink And That's OK). I totally get that folks are going to be into shit I don't like, or I find distasteful, or that just doesn't float my boat. It's not a big deal, I just generally avoid looking at the stuff I don't like. I'm also a rather vocal supporter of not needing the public's consent to partake in harmless kink- Things like using a title for your significant other, or wearing a collar, or a number of other things that might not exactly be in good taste but are not illegal.
But I had a rather violent and visceral negative reaction to this girl's stunt. Her kink isn't my kink and you know what? It's NOT ok. I couldn't help but imagine how I'd feel if some random twit flashed her junk at me in a park or the grocery store... Embarrassed? Probably. A bit squicked? Yeah, definitely that. Pissed? You bet. But mostly, being a kinkster and a HUGE fan of SSC and RACK, I'd be livid that she would blithely remove my ability to consent or not consent before subjecting me to her kinky games. And that is where the visceral reaction came from, I think.
If she meandered up to me and said, "Hey, I've got this task... Can I flash you?" I'd be cool with it. I wouldn't enjoy it (chicks just don't do anything for me), but I'd play along. I mean, why not? It's just junk- I've got the same stuff in my bra and skivvies. I might even get a laugh out of it... But to do that without my consent? Not cool.
Now, supposedly where this chick is public nudity is OK- So long as it's not sexual in nature. I'm cool with that, skinny-dipping is something I've participated in (with a lot of other naked people too- Anybody ever been to The Classic at Pennsic?). I tend to think that the whole "Guys can go shirtless but girls can't" thing is silly beyond words. I have no problem with nudity, so again it's got to be that consent issue rearing it's head at me again. I consent to see naked people at The Classic, I consent to see their junk blowing in the breeze, I do not consent to see your bits at the grocery store or the park or any other place where I'm not expecting to see a naked person or someone's genitalia.
And I suspect that the "not cool"ness feeling I have extends to other folks who are out minding their own damn business and who do not or have not consented to see her junk. Sure, some folks might like it (some folks might really, really like it), but from this chick's writing it sounded like a few of her targets (for lack of a better word) were not pleasantly surprised with her free peep-show:
"As he walked past me, I lifted my shirt and flashed him my breasts. He said "oh goodness" and continued walking. I'm not sure if he said anything else but it might have been "don't do that again" LOL I guess all the people hating on this task are right, I probably shouldn't flash my sexual organs to people."
Meh. It bothers me. Consent is one of the best weapons we have in our arsenal to battle the negative perceptions of BDSM, and here's this chick who's basically saying "Fuck your consent" and laughing about it.
And that, to me, is about as not cool as it can get.
A View From The Bottom
Another guy (I cannot remember his name) posted a writing that his submissive did on what submission was to her- I thought it was interesting and decided to fill it out like one of those old surveys on MySpace because I'm bored and because I think that the more examples of real-life submission (Vs. Unrealistic Erotica Submission) that are available to inexperienced subs the more easily they can grasp that the only right way to do "it" is what works for them and their relationship.
So, in Old School MySpace fashion, my version of A View From The Bottom:
Submission- The act of allowing another person/s to have some amount of authority over yourself and your life.
Submissive- One who submits to another's authority.
Those are the most generalized (and probably over-simplified) definitions I can think of for the act of being someone's little s, and if you take away all of the trappings that can accompany submission in any given dynamic (the rules, the toys, the collars and cuffs, the punishments and protocols) what is left- The common denominator in all D/s relationships or dynamics (I think, I may be wrong) is authority. The dominant partner has more authority than the submissive partner.
Beyond that submission is probably going to look different for every person who practices it. Some folks might want their partner to have more authority over them, some might want them to have less authority, and all of them will probably experience that authority in a different way in different aspects of their life.
Keeping your Dom happy:
I don't think that it's possible to write a how-to on "How To Keep Your Domly One Happy" because with dominants (and submissives) it's not a one-size fits all sort of scenario- What makes your Dom happy might not make my Dom happy and might make that other Dom over there completely miserable.
And before I continue I'd like to interject something- I don't think it's possible to actually make or keep someone happy. Happiness comes from within, I make myself happy. Relying on someone else to make me happy is rather silly and it's a lot of pressure to put on another person, a lot of responsibility to put on their shoulders... I prefer to say that my happiness is my responsibility and I make myself happy (because I am happy with me)- But Cookie contributes to my happiness as I contribute to his. That said:
I can tell you how I contribute to my Domly One's happiness, but I fear it will be incredibly disappointing because it's not rocket science and it's actually the same thing I'd do in any vanilla relationship to keep a partner happy... I just pay attention to him. I pay attention to the things he says and the things he doesn't say. I pay attention to his wants and needs and I try my best to provide for those wants and needs whenever possible. I make him feel like he matters; which is what I think the root of his Dominance is- He just wants to feel like he matters. His bossiness is just an extension of that desire to matter, to be heard, to have his wishes taken into consideration... So doing those things, allowing him to have authority over me, it contributes to his fulfillment in our relationship and his sense of well-being (And it's a great trade-off because his willingness to assume the majority of the authority in our relationship contributes a great deal to my well-being and fulfillment. It's rather symbiotic).
Dealing with being submissive:
I think people deal with two different aspects when it comes to submission-
The first aspect is managing a submissive personality which sometimes can make it difficult to assert one's self when basic relationship needs are not being met. I can't really speak about that because a submissive personality, I'm not (I'm more a Type A Control Freak who's assertive as fuck).
The second aspect is reconciling a submissive orientation (meaning that a person finds fulfillment in being the person with less authority in a relationship) with societal and familial expectations. THAT I can talk about because it can be damn hard, especially when you're new and unsure about yourself.
Society and family (friends too) can place a lot of pressure on a person to be 100%- You know, to be a Doctor-Lawyer-Indian Chief, to be 100% equal in a relationship, to NOT submit to anybody ever because it's not politically correct. Men and women who are submissive deal with these issues differently- Men because they're expected to be all manly and shit and take charge and lead and stuff... Being a submissive man must be hard I think because it's going against centuries of stereotypical male behavior. And women? Most of us have grown up with the message that we're not supposed to be submissive to a man because our Feminist fore-mothers fought to free us from male oppression. We're supposed to do it all and have it all and being the partner with less authority in a relationship or life in general isn't supposed to be what we want.
It was hard for me to deal with that. I felt very conflicted for a long time because of social expectations and my own family's expectations for me. It wasn't until I had some sort of epiphany moment- A moment where I said, "Fuck them. They do NOT get to define my happiness, my life, or my relationship because they're not living my life, I AM!" that things slid into place for me. And that's not to say it's always so zen and easy, I still have moments where I feel like I'm doing it wrong, but it's easier to manage when I remember that I'm the only person who gets to define how I live my life.
When your Dom is also your significant other:
Here's another area where I don't think it's possible to write a how-to guide because all relationships are different. Some folks limit the scope of their dynamics (bedroom only, weekend only, etc), some folks will do it 24/7 and have days "off", some folks switch, other folks never take a break. There's no one right way to do it, and I think that it sometimes takes some trial and error to figure out what will work a relationship (and sometimes you get lucky and it's perfect from the get-go).
In my relationship I don't differentiate between being Cookie's wife and his submissive, for me they're all just part of who I am (See: http://www.bdsmfriendbook.com/blog/567/analogy-fai... for how I view being a bunch of different things, sub/wife/mom/etc all at the same time). No matter what we're doing, where we are, or who we're around the authority transfer that defines our D/s is always there. Sometimes it's just more obvious than others.
I think though, that the thing that makes it possible for me to submit to his authority all the time, without a break, is that we see our D/s the same way we would view any other relationship. We realize that for us to be successful that there is a give and take and it's not always a one-way street. Sure, I might "give" more often than he does, but he's a smart cookie and he realizes that as much fun as the relationship is when it's all about him, sometimes it needs to be all about me. Sometimes I need his support or I need him to care for me and he's willing to see to my needs. That doesn't mean that he's not the Dom, it just means that the focus of the relationship shifts occasionally. He might be running to the store to buy me some medicinal Ben & Jerry's, or he might be sending me off to have a girl's night, or he might be watching the kids so I can nap... But he's still the Dom. He's just a really nice Dom who cares about his submissive's well-being. He's also a really nice husband who cares about his wife's well-being, and a really nice best friend who cares about his beastie's well-being, and a really nice guy who cares about his girl's well-being.
For anybody else? I have no clue what it will take to make being significant others AND D/s work other than the "normal" vanilla things that a person would use in any relationship to keep that relationship healthy- Trust, honesty, loyalty, communication, and compromise when needed. And fun... What's the point of it all if you're not enjoying it on some level?
****************
And now I'm done pontificating. Thanks to the girl who wrote the first essay (that I perverted into a survey) and her guy for posting it. It was great food for thought. I'd be tickled to see other people fill it out as a survey- I'm curious about what other people think about their submission and their relationships. I think it's my inner voyeur coming out.
Standard disclaimer: This is what works for me and my relationship. If it helps someone else, great, but it's not The One True Way nor is it meant to be. Rock on with your own bad self and your style of submission/dominance, YMMV.
So, in Old School MySpace fashion, my version of A View From The Bottom:
Submission- The act of allowing another person/s to have some amount of authority over yourself and your life.
Submissive- One who submits to another's authority.
Those are the most generalized (and probably over-simplified) definitions I can think of for the act of being someone's little s, and if you take away all of the trappings that can accompany submission in any given dynamic (the rules, the toys, the collars and cuffs, the punishments and protocols) what is left- The common denominator in all D/s relationships or dynamics (I think, I may be wrong) is authority. The dominant partner has more authority than the submissive partner.
Beyond that submission is probably going to look different for every person who practices it. Some folks might want their partner to have more authority over them, some might want them to have less authority, and all of them will probably experience that authority in a different way in different aspects of their life.
Keeping your Dom happy:
I don't think that it's possible to write a how-to on "How To Keep Your Domly One Happy" because with dominants (and submissives) it's not a one-size fits all sort of scenario- What makes your Dom happy might not make my Dom happy and might make that other Dom over there completely miserable.
And before I continue I'd like to interject something- I don't think it's possible to actually make or keep someone happy. Happiness comes from within, I make myself happy. Relying on someone else to make me happy is rather silly and it's a lot of pressure to put on another person, a lot of responsibility to put on their shoulders... I prefer to say that my happiness is my responsibility and I make myself happy (because I am happy with me)- But Cookie contributes to my happiness as I contribute to his. That said:
I can tell you how I contribute to my Domly One's happiness, but I fear it will be incredibly disappointing because it's not rocket science and it's actually the same thing I'd do in any vanilla relationship to keep a partner happy... I just pay attention to him. I pay attention to the things he says and the things he doesn't say. I pay attention to his wants and needs and I try my best to provide for those wants and needs whenever possible. I make him feel like he matters; which is what I think the root of his Dominance is- He just wants to feel like he matters. His bossiness is just an extension of that desire to matter, to be heard, to have his wishes taken into consideration... So doing those things, allowing him to have authority over me, it contributes to his fulfillment in our relationship and his sense of well-being (And it's a great trade-off because his willingness to assume the majority of the authority in our relationship contributes a great deal to my well-being and fulfillment. It's rather symbiotic).
Dealing with being submissive:
I think people deal with two different aspects when it comes to submission-
The first aspect is managing a submissive personality which sometimes can make it difficult to assert one's self when basic relationship needs are not being met. I can't really speak about that because a submissive personality, I'm not (I'm more a Type A Control Freak who's assertive as fuck).
The second aspect is reconciling a submissive orientation (meaning that a person finds fulfillment in being the person with less authority in a relationship) with societal and familial expectations. THAT I can talk about because it can be damn hard, especially when you're new and unsure about yourself.
Society and family (friends too) can place a lot of pressure on a person to be 100%- You know, to be a Doctor-Lawyer-Indian Chief, to be 100% equal in a relationship, to NOT submit to anybody ever because it's not politically correct. Men and women who are submissive deal with these issues differently- Men because they're expected to be all manly and shit and take charge and lead and stuff... Being a submissive man must be hard I think because it's going against centuries of stereotypical male behavior. And women? Most of us have grown up with the message that we're not supposed to be submissive to a man because our Feminist fore-mothers fought to free us from male oppression. We're supposed to do it all and have it all and being the partner with less authority in a relationship or life in general isn't supposed to be what we want.
It was hard for me to deal with that. I felt very conflicted for a long time because of social expectations and my own family's expectations for me. It wasn't until I had some sort of epiphany moment- A moment where I said, "Fuck them. They do NOT get to define my happiness, my life, or my relationship because they're not living my life, I AM!" that things slid into place for me. And that's not to say it's always so zen and easy, I still have moments where I feel like I'm doing it wrong, but it's easier to manage when I remember that I'm the only person who gets to define how I live my life.
When your Dom is also your significant other:
Here's another area where I don't think it's possible to write a how-to guide because all relationships are different. Some folks limit the scope of their dynamics (bedroom only, weekend only, etc), some folks will do it 24/7 and have days "off", some folks switch, other folks never take a break. There's no one right way to do it, and I think that it sometimes takes some trial and error to figure out what will work a relationship (and sometimes you get lucky and it's perfect from the get-go).
In my relationship I don't differentiate between being Cookie's wife and his submissive, for me they're all just part of who I am (See: http://www.bdsmfriendbook.com/blog/567/analogy-fai... for how I view being a bunch of different things, sub/wife/mom/etc all at the same time). No matter what we're doing, where we are, or who we're around the authority transfer that defines our D/s is always there. Sometimes it's just more obvious than others.
I think though, that the thing that makes it possible for me to submit to his authority all the time, without a break, is that we see our D/s the same way we would view any other relationship. We realize that for us to be successful that there is a give and take and it's not always a one-way street. Sure, I might "give" more often than he does, but he's a smart cookie and he realizes that as much fun as the relationship is when it's all about him, sometimes it needs to be all about me. Sometimes I need his support or I need him to care for me and he's willing to see to my needs. That doesn't mean that he's not the Dom, it just means that the focus of the relationship shifts occasionally. He might be running to the store to buy me some medicinal Ben & Jerry's, or he might be sending me off to have a girl's night, or he might be watching the kids so I can nap... But he's still the Dom. He's just a really nice Dom who cares about his submissive's well-being. He's also a really nice husband who cares about his wife's well-being, and a really nice best friend who cares about his beastie's well-being, and a really nice guy who cares about his girl's well-being.
For anybody else? I have no clue what it will take to make being significant others AND D/s work other than the "normal" vanilla things that a person would use in any relationship to keep that relationship healthy- Trust, honesty, loyalty, communication, and compromise when needed. And fun... What's the point of it all if you're not enjoying it on some level?
****************
And now I'm done pontificating. Thanks to the girl who wrote the first essay (that I perverted into a survey) and her guy for posting it. It was great food for thought. I'd be tickled to see other people fill it out as a survey- I'm curious about what other people think about their submission and their relationships. I think it's my inner voyeur coming out.
Standard disclaimer: This is what works for me and my relationship. If it helps someone else, great, but it's not The One True Way nor is it meant to be. Rock on with your own bad self and your style of submission/dominance, YMMV.
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