What I want. (a blathering ode to summer. sort of)

I'm sick of winter.
Sick of it, I tell you.
A few days ago we got 16 inches of snow, the next few days we're supposed to have temperatures in the negative 40's (Negative! Below zero!), and it just sucks. The dogs don't even want to go outside, my stupid car won't start, and I haven't seen Cookie all the way naked since October (our furnace kind of sucks). I think he might even be bathing with clothes on, it's that cold.

So what do I want?

I want summer.
I want Cookie meandering around the house in his birthday suit, which is far nommier than Cookie meandering around the house in 2 pairs of jammie pants, a wifebeater-teeshirt-hoodie-robe combo (with the hood up), and his grungy old man slippers.
I want to have sex on top of the blankets, not huddled beneath them, terrified of a stray appendage being exposed to the bedroom air.
I want to sweat when we scromp, damp heated skin sliding and slipping in that delicious summer-sex sort of way.
I want to be able to smell him on my skin when we've finished fucking like rabid bunnies.
I want to bang on the deck, the hood of my car, the sidewalk, under the sycamore tree, anywhere outdoors really (so long as the neighbors and mosquitos have all gone to bed).
I want to touch him and not have him scream like a little girl because my fingers have turned into pink ice cubes.
I want to be able to wear cuffs without worrying about touching his bare skin (what little is showing anyways) with the jingly metal bits.
I want to be able to throw the dogs outside if we want to get busy on the couch or kitchen table or laundry room floor. Having a cold curious nose insert itself into sexy fun times is a serious mood killer.
I want to see Cookie gilded by the golden light of a summer evening which is much more flattering than the frosty glow of winter moonlight.

I am sick of winter and I want it to be over.

Sadly, it's just January and here in Michigan there's lots of it left. Lots and lots and lots.
sigh

The Trouble with Training...

I see this all the time, all over the internet, and it always leaves me confused...

"I want to be trained."

When I read that sort of sentiment I'm left scratching my head and wondering, "To do what, exactly?"

I mean, there are a lot of things a person can learn to do for themselves or their D-type partner. Probably more than I can even begin to imagine (and I've got a pretty good imagination). You could:

-Learn to make the perfect cup of tea or coffee, exactly the way they want it in the mug they prefer.
-Learn to give the best damn BJ they've ever had in their entire life.
-Learn to do those yoga-like "positions" perfectly.
-Learn how to make his bed, fold his laundry, and put away his dishes according to his specifications.
-Learn to say the right things at the right time, every time.
-Learn how to do your makeup, dress, and style your hair to their standards.
-Learn what parts to touch and to avoid to give them the most pleasure.
-Learn another language, how to cook, sing, sew, draw, etc for them to enjoy and reap the benefits from...

There is a metric crap ton of things you can be trained to do for your D-type, and most of those things are only things that he (or to be fair, she) can teach you to do, or things that you'll pick up like most folks do who pay attention over the course of the relationship.

Hell, over half of the things I've learned for Cookie's benefit are not even things that he's "trained" me to do- They're just things I've picked up on by listening to him and watching him. He likes the bed made with the blankets folded down. His socks go in the top drawer, undies in the second, shirts in the third, jeans in the bottom. He takes his coffee black with two sugars.

The other things are the stuff he's specifically told me to do (or not to do) or things I've asked about... Like how to give him the perfect BJ... Which isn't a trick I could have learned from anybody else. Or how he really likes it when we're going at it doggy style and he's about to climax and I do that thing with my... Well, you get the point, I'm sure. Those are things that he has taught me and nobody else could have taught me for him.

It's all rather dull, this mundane normal relationship stuff that a lot of us learn in order to please our D-types or to make their lives run a bit smoother... Which leads to the realization that when some folks make the "I want to be trained" statement they're not talking about the dull, day-to-day stuff. Nope. They're talking about the kinky sex stuff. The fantasy stuff. The crap from bad erotica and bad porn.

Case in point: Baby Seal from Random Web Site asking about being trained-
Alright to answer the general question of what I want from this: I'd like to be a slave like those on the Training of O or the Upper Floor from Kink.com, my favorite umbrella site. I am absolutely not saying that I want to live that 24/7 but I'd love for my training to resemble it.

It was pointed out to the baby seal that those were things not entirely based in reality (bad erotica and bad porn) but she was adamant. Her training should look Just. Like. That. And I wondered, how is that training? Being beat on? Playing? Having sexy fun times? Yes, all of the above... But training? No.

That's the trouble with "training."

Mostly it's used as some sort of code-speak for "I want kinky sex and play" and not "I want to learn to do the stuff that is going to make my relationship fulfilling to my D-type and myself." It's a fantasy kind of thing, not anything that has to do with reality because really? How much training do you need to suck cock or lick a vag or to lay there and get whipped or stand there and be tied up? Not much, really. The people who need training to do that stuff safely (well, the whipping and tying-up stuff anyways) are the D-types and Tops who do it.

So hey, if you want to try the stuff that you've been fantasizing about or watching in bad porn or reading in even worse erotica? Say that. But don't call it "training" because it's not (unless you think that having the ability to make incredibly stupid-looking O faces or Ow faces is a valuable skill to posess. Then maybe it could be called training).

/end rant

The Diet Vs. Cookie (my Domly, not the baked good)

A few months back I tried to get my ass (which at that point had widened to such vast proportions that I could catch glimpses of it out of the corner of my eye) into my favorite jeans... It wasn't happening. The jeans allowed themselves to rise only so far when I pulled them up, and no further. I think that they, wisely, were fearing for the integrity of their seams. I could not blame the jeans for their refusal to comply with my desire to stuff my chub into them (self preservation and all), so after I pulled on a pair of not-in-any-way-lose yoga pants I went in search of someone I could blame.

My squinty gaze fell upon Cookie.

Love of my life, most awesome Manperson ever, and saboteur of any and all dieting plans I've had in the last 4 years.

As I neared my blame-target the dogs fled for the safety of the Under Bed Region, the sky darkened, and I'm pretty sure that super-ominous music (night on death mountain or something) started up in the background. Cookie, unaware, lumped on the couch nomming a day old piece of Jet's pizza.

"You!" I said, as I hove into sight.

"I love you, too!" said Cookie. "Want some pizza?"

"AAArrrraaaghhhh!" I said (because I am all sorts of verbose and shit).

"Huh?" said Cookie, past a mouthful of mozzarella, sausage, and mushroom bliss... Drool...

"My pants don't fit." I stated, squinting at him, squintily.

"OK..." he responded, obviously confused about what he had to do with my pants.

"You keep feeding me!" I wailed, resorting to dramatics to get my point across.

"But you like food?" He said, painfully befuddled at at this point in the proceedings.

I poked my belly to illustrate my next statement, "I'm such a goo."

"When you do that it makes your boobies jiggle." He said, full of boobie-lust.

I soldiered on, eventually hoping to penetrate his man-cluelessness, "I don't want to be a goo and you keep feeding me when I'm trying to be good and now my pants don't fit."

"Uh... Ok?" he replied, finally setting down the nearly feeding-frenzy inducing half-gnawed on square of pizza.

"Quit feeding me." I said. "And make me be good. Use your Domliness for something other than the purposes of evil."

"But I like making you happy and good food makes you happy."

"And being fat makes me less happy. See how that works? Short term unhappiness for long term happiness." At this point I could tell that I'd lost him as he has the metabolism of a racehorse on speed, often forgets to eat because he never feels hungry, and hasn't had to diet a day in his damn man-life.

I sighed, "Just help me be good, OK? Please?"

And he has.

Using his Domliness for good, he's ordered salads when I just want to put a hurt on a burger. He's doled out Girl Time Tribute Chocolate in sensible amounts. He refuses to buy "bad" things at the store, and when I go on a recipe testing baking frenzy he hauls all of the results to work to pawn off on his co-workers (who are now starting to complain of expanding waistlines while praising the yumminess of my treats).

And me? I have lost 23 pounds (after a brief birthday/Xmas binge hiatus).

I even convinced him to buy me an exercise bike (granted, we got it at Salvation Army so it was one hell of a deal, but still I get on the damn thing every day at his urging and pedal my out-of-shape little heart out).

This is my real life. The stuff I don't write about. I don't know why, but I thought that I would start... And this is what you get.

Sorry.

Where I anwser the "30 Day" thingy in one honking huge post.

Day 1 – Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

Yes. We use the "Dominant & submissive" (D/s) label for our relationship as we feel that is what best reflects who we are as a couple.

Day 2 – Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

I am submissive exclusively to my husband, and our dynamic runs 24/7.
If I were in the market (Dog forbid) for a new Dominant partner, I would look for someone who was interested in a monogamous, long term relationship because in order to submit I need the stability, trust, and respect that is more often found in a serious partner. The limits of my submission within the relationship would be defined by how much trust my partner inspired, how much mutual respect we shared, and how stable the relationship was.

Day 3 – How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?

This question is a bit like asking "How do you know you're compassionate"? It's really just something a person knows from their interactions with other people. I know I'm submissive because I am (within the context of a committed relationship and as an orientation, not a personality characteristic).
How do I feel? Fulfilled.

Day 4 – Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you

A) No. I do not take the Dominant role in my relationship.
B) I retain control over my children, decisions regarding my health, and my kitchen. Seriously, Manperson better stay out of my kitchen. I'm OCD about it. I also fail to see what DD has to do with limiting a D-type's authority, limited authority is not limited to one type of dynamic.
C) I do not switch, but I can Top as a service.

Day 5 – Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

A) I had previously played with a friend, but that was more about kinky fun times than a D/s dynamic. Cookie is my first long term Dominant partner. More than likely my last as well- I kind of hit a home run with him.
B) What makes us unique? The fact that we don't practice our dynamic the exact same way any other couple does. Pretty much every D/s relationship is unique because the people in it are unique... Silly Question-Asker.

Day 6 – What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

I don't think it has any "roots", I wasn't traumatized as a child or raised to be submissive, it's not a management tool or a sex thing... It is what it is- The way I feel most fulfilled in a relationship.

Day 7 – Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

No. I am an adult woman capable of considering my actions before I take them, and to realize that those actions will have consequences. I do not need my significant other to punish me as if I had no sense of my own. If he tried I would feel rather resentful.

Day 8 – Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

Spanking is a sexy fun time game. He swats my bum, I enjoy it, end of.

Day 9 – Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

We have "rules" I suppose, but I see them more as guidelines to maintaining a healthy relationship. If he wants me to go to bed at a certain time it's because he's concerned that I'm over tired. If he wants me to call when I get to a location it's because he's concerned about my well-being... He doesn't just make up rules for shits and giggles, there's always a reasonable explanation. If there wasn't, I would not be inclined to follow them.

Day 10 – Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

Well, yes, seeing as part of the BDSM acronym is Dominance and submission. But if you mean "Do we incorporate kinky play into our dynamic," the answer is yes. But D/s is who we are, kink is what we do for fun, so I would say that it is peripheral as it is not the focus of our relationship or my submission.

Day 11 – Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

A) No. I am not service oriented.
B) Well, service has a definition which (I think) runs along the lines of doing for others.
C) I think that service oriented subs get some satisfaction from doing for their D-types, so that's what service implies to me in this context.
D) I just don't enjoy it so I do not identify as a service oriented submissive.

Day 12 – Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

A) In a way, yes.
B) For us it means that Cookie is in control of the finances. When I was working my check went into his bank account. He pays the bills. He does not dictate what I can and cannot do with my own money though.
C) I think it's something to consider very carefully before implementing.

Day 13 – Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

I suppose, but just as I'm available to him, he is also available to me.
Yes there are limits. For example: If one of us is ill the other will not expect to get the hot sexings, or if one of us has had a horrid day sexings might not be in the cards... We are both considerate of the other's emotional and physical well-being.

Day 14 – Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

No. We are Atheists.
It's similar if it is a relationship dynamic that the submissive partner consents to and feels is fulfilling.
The similarity ends if it is not something she consents to, if it doesn't fulfill her, and she's only doing it because her religious beliefs or those of her partner demand it.

Day 15 – Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

It has evolved as my relationship has evolved. The more trust I was able to place in Cookie, the more authority I was willing to grant him.

Day 16 – Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

Yes because no two relationships are exactly the same.

Day 17 – What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

It means that I have faith that he will do what is in our best interest and will not do something that may cause me harm. I can have this faith in him because he has, over time, proven himself to be a person of great integrity who values me and our relationship.

Day 18 – Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

Sweet Dog, we talk about everything. The weather, our dreams, kinky shit we want to try, politics... I don't think we ever stop talking to each other.
And I communicate my desires and needs much in the same way anybody else would- I open my mouth and words come out.

Day 19 – How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

I'm fairly active in the online community because it fills a need to have some connectedness to other people with similar relationship goals.

Day 20 – Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

I wouldn't say it has increased because I think I've always had the same goal in mind for how much of it I was able to express. I think what changed was my ability to express my submission because my partner is receptive and an eager participant. If that makes sense.

Day 21 – Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

Nope.

Day 22 – Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

No. Submission is not a personality trait for me, but how I orient in a relationship. Without a relationship present where I can express this part of myself it does not happen. It might be something I desire, but it's not a priority for me to express it when I'm not in a relationship.

Day 23 – Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

A) I find the notion that submissive equals "Less Than" to be rather repugnant. I get that it's a dynamic that plenty of people enjoy, but the stereotype is what squicks me... I am not worth less than a dominant person, I am not less deserving of common decency or consideration because I identify as a submissive. I have value.
B) Yes. I had a hard time reconciling submission with feminism. In time I decided to become a secular humanist as I felt that more accurately represented my views and I was feeling more and more disconnected from the direction the feminist movement seems to be taking.

Day 24 – What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

There are not any. I do not equate submission to an emotional state- But then I'm part Vulcan so I guess that's just logical.

Day 25 – Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

A) No.
B) It has not occurred to me or something I desire.

Day 26 – What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

A)His Qualities:
Honest
Loyal
Intelligent
Funny
Committed (and not to the looney bin)
An all around decent sort of human being.
B) Whys should he have those traits? Because I tend to think that those traits are what make a person a good dominant for me.
C) Deal Breakers would be:
Dishonesty
Non-monogamous
Lacking intelligence or having a small mind
Lacking a sense of humor
Misogynists are off the list
Abusive tendencies are a no-go
And I could go on and on and on... But I think you get the gist.

Day 27 – Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

I have desires for specific types of play which have not happened yet, but we might get there eventually. If we do that's cool. If we don't it's not a big deal. Though I wouldn't say they were "submissive desires" just desires that include my being submissive to him because he's my Domly and all.

Day 28 – Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

A) How could it? It's not something I rely on.
B) Sure, but the people who have done the criticizing don't matter so it doesn't matter.
C) No. My submission does not impact my life negatively.
D) No. So long as I'm true to myself I'm not likely to make a mistake that would cause me regret.

Day 29 – Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

No. Kinky shit is not part of my submission it is part of my play. They're not interconnected for me.

Day 30 – Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

A) Yes.
B) In all likelihood, yes.
C) Submission on its own is not special to me, it's the relationship and the person I submit to that make it feel like a thing of value. Cookie is awesome, he thinks I'm awesome, our relationship is awesome, and so to me my submission to him is awesome. It's part of a larger picture.

That "30 Days of submission" thing that's making the rounds...

I've seen this thing a few times. A few years back I even cherry-picked some of the questions and answered them because I was bored. They're probably on here somewhere, maybe. I'm not sure what all I moved from various other blogs to this one when I started it up.

But, the point of this isn't to answer these questions (I've included the whole thing below), it's to question the point of the questions because on another lady's blog some imbecilic nitwit (With a whole 29 years of experience!!!) made a remark that got me thinking- He said something along the lines that if you partake in this 30 day activity you're a moron who needs to read more books.

And my brain farted.
pfffft!

I mean, books are great and can teach you a lot about the Kinkyverse around you, but they don't teach you how to take that knowledge and apply it to yourself and your relationship.  That's what questions that make you reflect upon yourself, your wants and needs for a relationship, can come in handy. Questioning yourself can help take book learning and turn it into practical application. You'd think that someone with 29 years of experience would recognize that... But like I said: Nitwit.

And granted, some of the questions will probably have more value than others- For myself I'm seeing "Day 1" as having the potential for insight and personal reflection... "Day 21"? Not so much. But some folks may think that positions are an important part of their submission so I'm not going to knock it.

But eh- I fail to see how personal reflection equates to being an idiot. Seems to me that it would be a valuable thing to employ if one were considering entering into a D/s dynamic. So I'm reposting the questions as a tool (or a time waster) for my fellow submissives. I might even answer them... Oh who am I kidding? I like to hear the sound of my fingers typing and I'm pretty damn bored. I'll answer the silly things, probably in one big ass post.

Day 1 – Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

Day 2 – Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

Day 3 – How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?

Day 4 – Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you

Day 5 – Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

Day 6 – What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

Day 7 – Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

Day 8 – Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

Day 9 – Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Day 10 – Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

Day 11 – Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

Day 12 – Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

Day 13 – Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Day 14 – Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

Day 15 – Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

Day 16 – Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

Day 17 – What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

Day 18 – Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

Day 19 – How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

Day 20 – Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

Day 21 – Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

Day 22 – Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

Day 23 – Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

Day 24 – What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

Day 25 – Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

Day 26 – What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Day 27 – Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

Day 28 – Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

Day 29 – Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

Day 30 – Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

A is for Alpha... Or Asshole?

Random guy via PM:

"Blah, blah, blah, I'm an alpha male, blah blah, get un ur nees an suc my cok. I am the awsum!!!eleven!!"

And ok, I'm paraphrasing here a bit. There was some blather about how awesome he was, and why he was The Bestest Dominate Ever, and how I should pretty much drop trou because of his awesomeness. As far as annoyingly inept missives go it was pretty standard, but one thing just jumped out at me... His usage of the over-abused, often inaccurate, and painfully trite word "Alpha."

I, being a world class stalkery... Erm, I mean curious... sort of person I decided to try to glean what he meant by its usage...

His Fet profile? Par for the course- About 30 fawning baby seals, no other Dom friends, and a lack-luster "about me" section that basically just repeated his silly message to me... Though it did reference his weenie a few more times and included some even more painfully stereotypical views on a woman's worth (expressed via sentiments which included the usage of "slut", "whore", and a few other descriptors which are not my cuppa).

So, if he meant "I'm a stereotypical dipshit who has no clue and thinks that being a total asshat towards submissive people is awesome" when he said that part about being an alpha... He was spot on.

But I'm a fair sort of person. Maybe when he used alpha he wasn't talking about his woefully lacking inter personal skills, he was referencing his life... So I did some Google-Fu with his email address and found his FB page.

He lives with his mom.

 He's 19 (Fet profile said he was in his mid 20's).

 He doesn't have a job and from his posts I think he spends most of his day playing video games, posting cat memes, and trashing the bitch who dumped him (gee, I wonder why).

 Also: Not in school, was whining about mom not letting him use the car, and bitching about how she wouldn't upgrade his shitty phone to an iPhone...

From deep inside my mind came the famous quote, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

And I got to thinking that a lot of folks, this poor deluded fool included, think that being an alpha means that they know how to treat other people poorly and then pass it off as "dominance." Personally, I think they've confused "Alpha" with another "A" word, which would make for a far more accurate descriptor: Asshole.

He's so Vanilla!

Most of us are not born knowing that we're submissives.

In fact, a great many of us won't have figured it out until well after our births when something clicks and we get that "Eureka!" moment.

Some of us get lucky and we figure it out sooner rather than later, but there are pretty good odds that when we figure out that "submissive" is the role we want to take in our relationship we're already going to be involved in a vanilla relationship with a vanilla guy.

That can really suck. A lot.

I mean, here's this guy who's pretty awesome (You're with him so hopefully he's pretty awesome), you might love him or have very strong feelings for him. You've probably invested quite a bit of time into the relationship, you might have even married the guy... But then lightning strikes and you realize that as great as Mr. Vanilla might be, you'd really like a Dominant in your life, but you'd like to keep Mr. Vanilla too (what with him being awesome and all).

So what can you do?

You could run off to the nearest kinky website and get yourself an online "Master" on the side ASAP.
Not a recommended course of action because as the saying goes, "If he's willing to cheat with you, he's willing to cheat on you."

You could start leaving hints and hoping your guy picks up on them.
He won't. Hints and men generally don't mix well. They're like oil and water. The hints will bounce off him and he will remain clueless.

You can scour the internet for people who have faced your same dilemma and read what they've done in your situation.
This one is a winner, although you may not like some of the answers because not every vanilla + s relationship has a happy ending.

What those women will tell you is that they eventually had to talk to their vanilla partner about their relationship desires. They'll tell you that the talk was probably pretty difficult and uncomfortable, but there is a lot to learn from how they had their talk-

Unless he's already a closet kinkster, you'll want to take it slow and not over whelm him. Old dogs can learn new tricks, but they're not going to be able to learn 50 new tricks in one sitting. The same logic applies to your guy- Pick out the most important element of your desires and present it in a simple way that he can easily understand.

If you'd like him to lead more you could present it as a 50's style head of household arrangement, like what he may have seen in Leave It To Beaver. There's nothing threatening about Ward and June, in fact they seemed pretty happy together as Ward led and June doted on him- And honestly, who doesn't like being doted upon?

Want your sex to be a bit rougher? Asking him right off the bat to spank dat ass and call you a dirty hussy might turn him off, but a tickle fight or playful wrestling match (naked, of course) could possibly be a very fun introduction to the less-gentle side of sex.

Is bondage what gets your motor humming? You might be ready for the industrial strength locking leather cuffs you peeped on Sinvention's site, but he'll likely be less threatened by neoprene cuffs from Lover's Lane or a silk scarf you snag from the clearance bin at TJ Maxx.

If you're not ready for The Big Talk you can always sound the waters (but fair warning, it might not get you anywhere fast) by renting the silly Exit To Eden or off-kilter The Secretary to gauge his response or point out things that might be fun to try (Not the saddle! Not for his first time!). Or, to keep things feeling more playful, you could gamble for forfeits with pretty much any game- If he beats you at Clue! perhaps he gets to spend the day playing Lord of The Manor, if you win... Well, I suppose then you get to pick.

Wink-wink, nudge-nudge.

But the key (I think) is to keep things light at first and fun. If it's fun he's more likely to enjoy himself and if he enjoys himself he might be willing to try more things. And more things. And hopefully even more things...

And don't forget to talk to him. Ask him how he feels- Did he enjoy what you guys tried? What was his experience? How could you both make it better next time?. If he goes out of his comfort zone and tries make sure you let him know how much you appreciate him trying, and how much you enjoyed whatever he was willing to give a shot.

It's not easy getting that vanilla guy to go kink-flavored, but it might be possible with a lot of patience on your part and some willingness to explore on his. I wish you good luck- Both of you).