Whenever a submissive ventures into the Kinkyverse either online or in real life they're going to be inundated with messages from D-types trying to impress them into submitting. It's pretty much a given.
One of the tactics most often used to impress a newbie (or even an experienced submissive) is the Domly Resume. You know, the part of the message where Mr. Impressive states something along the lines of "I've been a Dominant for 10 years and have had many submissives!" That's the bit they're counting on the submissive going googly-eyed over because, "Ooo! Years of experience! Multiple submissives!"
Hell, it's often so "impressive" that many D-types feel the urge to include that info on their profile- "Hi, I'm Master Uber True Dom and I've had 10 years of experience and many, many submissives. Entire battalions of submissives. I'm impressive, be impressed by me!" That way nobody misses out on the opportunity to be impressed by their awesomeness, including other less impressive D-types who will pale in comparison.
There's a way to look at that and see it as a positive- For example if you look at it like a sport and the guy is saying "I've been racing cars for 10 years and have lots of trophies" that's kind of impressive because if he has that many years of experience and some trophies he must be pretty good at that whole turning left while going fast thing, right? It's a reasonable assumption to make and one people make about a lot of things- More experience is better, more people experienced is better, more is just better.
Problem is: That paradigm doesn't stand up when it comes to relationships and that's what D/s is to a great many people- It's a type of relationship. Sure, it might be casual and no-strings, it might be a Friend With Benefit deal, or it might be headed to the alter... But it's a relationship between two people (or more, to be fair) and in that instance, more isn't always better.
So if you start thinking about "I've been a Dominant for 10 years and have had many submissives" in a relationship kind of way, and not a sports-related kind of way, where does that get you?
"I've been in a D/s relationship off and on for10 years and have many Exes."
How impressive does that sound, because that's what they're telling you; They're letting you know that they've been in relationships and for some reason those relationships have ended. Not so impressive now, is it?
And OK, maybe it might be sort of impressive if they told you "I've been a Dominant for 10 years. One relationship lasted 4 years, the other 6 and both relationships ended on good terms because we wanted different things so there were no hard feelings, we're all still friends." That at least gives you an idea of how much time they actually spent in a D/s relationship, how those relationships ended, and that he might be a decent sort of guy if his exes are still on friendly terms with him.
But Mr. Impressive from above? What if his 10 years of "experience" actually means that he had 12 week-long relationships in the space of 10 years? 12 weeks of experience isn't exactly the same thing as 10 years, is it? And what's more- What if those 12 ex-submissives all hate his guts? His impressive resume isn't impressive any more. In fact, it's a bit laughable for how unimpressive it is.
Or, and this is even better (as in funnier), maybe his 10 years of "experience" means he's been surfing porn in his mom's basement for 10 years and he's had three online relationships that didn't last very long with submissives who wouldn't piss on his gums if his teeth were on fire... Incredibly unimpressive, isn't it?
And that's why I wrote this, because there is a bit of social pressure to be impressed by numbers that in themselves mean nothing among members of the Kinkyverse. A lot of people feel like they have to provide their bona fides in order to be taken seriously as a Dominant or submissive- Heck, even I've felt the urge to throw mine out there as a way of saying "See, I really do know what I'm talking about!"
But when it comes to having a relationship with someone? Those numbers are nothing to get excited over and they're certainly not enough information by themselves to use as a factor in deciding to submit to someone.
So just keep that in mind if you're ever in the market to Dom Shop- When someone comes along and says "I've been a Dominant for 10 years and have had many submissives!" They're not really telling you anything, much less anything that ought to impress you.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Asking for Aftercare
Yesterday a post was started in one of the groups I frequent- Girl meets boy, girl and boy decide to play, due to life butting in play had to be cut short, boy left. Such is life.
The OP stated that the play was good, the guy was thoughtful and considerate, but she was left feeling a bit down because there was no aftercare and she was wondering how to communicate this issue without seeming needy. Fair enough.
Advise was supplied by group members and all was OK with the world... Except it wasn't because the quote below popped up in reference to people asking if the OP had told the Dom that she might need aftercare. And then she got a bit perturbed that people thought she should have told him about her need for aftercare before they played. Then OP got angry with the group members and at the poor guy she played with. All was NOT ok with the world... Anyways, the quote-
"Really people? She should have to communicate what her needs are for aftercare? How about the dominant asking BEFORE and AFTER play how she feels about those things? This is what I call responsibility and maturity."
It kind of blew my mind that someone was getting offended because people had dared to suggest that the OP had some responsibility to ensure her needs would be met. Ok. It didn't actually blow my mind because for some reason a lot of people genuinely believe that D-types should bear ALL of the responsibility for safety/aftercare/communication/etc, and that submissives don't have to do anything to ensure those things happen or are taken care of.
Listen, I know it's a great fantasy that this perfect Domly Person is going to wander along and he's going to instinctively know everything that you need/want/whatever... But it's a fantasy. It's not real life. Unless you talk about your needs that D-type you're talking to or playing with will not know about them.
And even with a subject as common as aftercare? It's not a given. Not everybody plays to the point where they might need it, not everybody drops, and some of the people who do drop? They prefer to provide their own aftercare. If the guy you're playing with has only ever played with people who don't drop or has played with people who prefer to see to their own aftercare, it's a bit unreasonable to assume that he's going to know that you might need it.
And yes, in a perfect world every Dominant would have an extensive talk with someone he's thinking about playing with about what their needs are- But on the flip side, every submissive would also be insisting that talk happen before they play... And if like the OP of the post that triggered this bloggy thing, you forgot to mention it?
Well, you'd make sure to mention it before you played again, and you wouldn't hold the guy responsible for not knowing about something you didn't communicate to him. Getting mad at the guy is about as silly as getting mad at your mom for making you spaghetti for your birthday dinner when you really wanted mashed taters and roast beef, but you didn't tell her that...
It's your responsibility to see that your needs are met, nobody else's. So if you want aftercare, or if you're not sure, then tell your partner that. Communicate with them. It's very easy to say, "I need aftercare," or "I might need aftercare."
Problem solved.
The OP stated that the play was good, the guy was thoughtful and considerate, but she was left feeling a bit down because there was no aftercare and she was wondering how to communicate this issue without seeming needy. Fair enough.
Advise was supplied by group members and all was OK with the world... Except it wasn't because the quote below popped up in reference to people asking if the OP had told the Dom that she might need aftercare. And then she got a bit perturbed that people thought she should have told him about her need for aftercare before they played. Then OP got angry with the group members and at the poor guy she played with. All was NOT ok with the world... Anyways, the quote-
"Really people? She should have to communicate what her needs are for aftercare? How about the dominant asking BEFORE and AFTER play how she feels about those things? This is what I call responsibility and maturity."
It kind of blew my mind that someone was getting offended because people had dared to suggest that the OP had some responsibility to ensure her needs would be met. Ok. It didn't actually blow my mind because for some reason a lot of people genuinely believe that D-types should bear ALL of the responsibility for safety/aftercare/communication/etc, and that submissives don't have to do anything to ensure those things happen or are taken care of.
Listen, I know it's a great fantasy that this perfect Domly Person is going to wander along and he's going to instinctively know everything that you need/want/whatever... But it's a fantasy. It's not real life. Unless you talk about your needs that D-type you're talking to or playing with will not know about them.
And even with a subject as common as aftercare? It's not a given. Not everybody plays to the point where they might need it, not everybody drops, and some of the people who do drop? They prefer to provide their own aftercare. If the guy you're playing with has only ever played with people who don't drop or has played with people who prefer to see to their own aftercare, it's a bit unreasonable to assume that he's going to know that you might need it.
And yes, in a perfect world every Dominant would have an extensive talk with someone he's thinking about playing with about what their needs are- But on the flip side, every submissive would also be insisting that talk happen before they play... And if like the OP of the post that triggered this bloggy thing, you forgot to mention it?
Well, you'd make sure to mention it before you played again, and you wouldn't hold the guy responsible for not knowing about something you didn't communicate to him. Getting mad at the guy is about as silly as getting mad at your mom for making you spaghetti for your birthday dinner when you really wanted mashed taters and roast beef, but you didn't tell her that...
It's your responsibility to see that your needs are met, nobody else's. So if you want aftercare, or if you're not sure, then tell your partner that. Communicate with them. It's very easy to say, "I need aftercare," or "I might need aftercare."
Problem solved.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Picture this... (Or: What photos should I share online/with others?)
It's become part of the norm to share our lives in pictures on the internet. We take pictures of the places we go, the people we see, the things we do, what we eat, and the funny things our pets and kids accomplish. From sunrise to sunset (and beyond) our digital shutters click and we upload everything from the mundane to the extraordinary. Pictures have become an important part of how we connect with each other.
So it's not surprising that when a person joins a site life Fetlife (for example) they often wonder what pictures are appropriate to share, and how much of their life (and themselves, sometimes) they should show off. And they ask questions. Lots and lots of questions. Like these:
It seems like everybody's naked. Do I have to get naked too?
Can I get naked?
Do I have to show my face?
If I show my face what's the worst that can happen?
Can I post pictures of my garden/pets/kids/cupcakes?
What can't I post pictures of?
Do I have to post a certain kind of picture?
If a Dom asks for my picture should I send him one?
What about "naughty" pictures? Should I send those?
Lots of questions... And because I'm bored (and waiting for Cookie to bring home the Sausage Egg McMuffins) I thought I'd have a go at them.
It seems like everybody's naked. Do I have to get naked too?
Nope. It may seem like everybody on the BDSM websites are showing off their birthday suits, but appearances can be deceiving. Plenty of people choose to remain clothed or at least partially clothed for a multitude of reasons. Some people are modest, some people's relationships don't include sharing nude photos online, some people want to save that sort of thing for their Significant Other, and some have (wait for it) a clothing fetish.
The only thing you have to do is what you feel comfortable doing.
Can I get naked?
Of course you can, unless you have a rule in your relationship that it's not allowed... Then you might want to talk about your partner about it. But in general, if the website allows nudity you can get as naked as your little heart desires.
Do I have to show my face?
A lot of people like being able to put a face to the name of someone their communicating with, and many folks have no problem showing their faces in the Kinkyverse... But if you're not OK with that for whatever reason, no. You can keep your identity a secret. It's your profile, you get to share what you want to share.
If I show my face what's the worst that can happen?
The worst?
Well- Someone you know could recognize you.
That might not be bad, I've recognized a few people and I've never said a word about it to anybody.
Or it could be bad- Especially if being outed could get you in trouble with your employer, family, or the law. People have lost jobs, custody of their kids, and lost relationships after being outed... So weighing the potential risks is something you might want to consider.
Can I post pictures of my garden/pets/kids/cupcakes?
For the most part you can post anything your want, and honestly- I love seeing the vanilla parts of people's lives. It tells me something about them... But there are things you cannot post pictures of and included in that list for many, many BDSM related websites are pictures of children. So save those pics for Facebook.
What can't I post pictures of?
In the TOU (Terms of Use) for most websites, or located somewhere in the user agreement there will be a list of things you can't post- Usually those things are ones that include minors, illegal activity, and activities that are prohibited on the site itself. Checking the TOU and/or User Agreement should clear it up for you.
Do I have to post a certain kind of picture?
Nope. Even if everybody on the site is posting a picture of a daffodil in bloom (because it'll be Spring soon, I hope) and using that as their avatar, you don't have to post one too.
If a Dom asks for my picture should I send him one?
Only if you're comfortable sharing a picture with him. Remember, this thing that we do is all about consent- If you don't want to do something, you do not have to do it. And if he insists and ignores the fact that you're not consenting to send him a picture, you can feel free to ignore him. Or yell at him. Or send him a picture of your dog's latest BM... Whatever seems fitting.
What about "naughty" pictures? Should I send those?
Aging, this is a decision to base on your comfort level- If you're comfortable sending someone your picture, go for it. A lot of people find sharing nakkie pics a hot and sexy thing (I know I've sent my fair share to Cookie).
But an important thing to consider is how well you know the person you're sending a picture to- Can you trust him not to share it with his buddies or to sell it on one of the pay-for-porn sites? If you can't trust him to not be shady, but you still want the sending pictures sexy fun, you can always crop your head out of the picture or wear a mask to protect your privacy.
On a similar note- Many people use programs like Skype to enjoy sexy times via webcam, so it might be useful to know that those sessions can be recorded and shared... And just like a picture, once a video on the internet it's there forever.
Or you could always take a friend's advice: she says, "If you want to share something, think about what your grandma or pastor might say if they saw it- Because they could."
So it's not surprising that when a person joins a site life Fetlife (for example) they often wonder what pictures are appropriate to share, and how much of their life (and themselves, sometimes) they should show off. And they ask questions. Lots and lots of questions. Like these:
It seems like everybody's naked. Do I have to get naked too?
Can I get naked?
Do I have to show my face?
If I show my face what's the worst that can happen?
Can I post pictures of my garden/pets/kids/cupcakes?
What can't I post pictures of?
Do I have to post a certain kind of picture?
If a Dom asks for my picture should I send him one?
What about "naughty" pictures? Should I send those?
Lots of questions... And because I'm bored (and waiting for Cookie to bring home the Sausage Egg McMuffins) I thought I'd have a go at them.
It seems like everybody's naked. Do I have to get naked too?
Nope. It may seem like everybody on the BDSM websites are showing off their birthday suits, but appearances can be deceiving. Plenty of people choose to remain clothed or at least partially clothed for a multitude of reasons. Some people are modest, some people's relationships don't include sharing nude photos online, some people want to save that sort of thing for their Significant Other, and some have (wait for it) a clothing fetish.
The only thing you have to do is what you feel comfortable doing.
Can I get naked?
Of course you can, unless you have a rule in your relationship that it's not allowed... Then you might want to talk about your partner about it. But in general, if the website allows nudity you can get as naked as your little heart desires.
Do I have to show my face?
A lot of people like being able to put a face to the name of someone their communicating with, and many folks have no problem showing their faces in the Kinkyverse... But if you're not OK with that for whatever reason, no. You can keep your identity a secret. It's your profile, you get to share what you want to share.
If I show my face what's the worst that can happen?
The worst?
Well- Someone you know could recognize you.
That might not be bad, I've recognized a few people and I've never said a word about it to anybody.
Or it could be bad- Especially if being outed could get you in trouble with your employer, family, or the law. People have lost jobs, custody of their kids, and lost relationships after being outed... So weighing the potential risks is something you might want to consider.
Can I post pictures of my garden/pets/kids/cupcakes?
For the most part you can post anything your want, and honestly- I love seeing the vanilla parts of people's lives. It tells me something about them... But there are things you cannot post pictures of and included in that list for many, many BDSM related websites are pictures of children. So save those pics for Facebook.
What can't I post pictures of?
In the TOU (Terms of Use) for most websites, or located somewhere in the user agreement there will be a list of things you can't post- Usually those things are ones that include minors, illegal activity, and activities that are prohibited on the site itself. Checking the TOU and/or User Agreement should clear it up for you.
Do I have to post a certain kind of picture?
Nope. Even if everybody on the site is posting a picture of a daffodil in bloom (because it'll be Spring soon, I hope) and using that as their avatar, you don't have to post one too.
If a Dom asks for my picture should I send him one?
Only if you're comfortable sharing a picture with him. Remember, this thing that we do is all about consent- If you don't want to do something, you do not have to do it. And if he insists and ignores the fact that you're not consenting to send him a picture, you can feel free to ignore him. Or yell at him. Or send him a picture of your dog's latest BM... Whatever seems fitting.
What about "naughty" pictures? Should I send those?
Aging, this is a decision to base on your comfort level- If you're comfortable sending someone your picture, go for it. A lot of people find sharing nakkie pics a hot and sexy thing (I know I've sent my fair share to Cookie).
But an important thing to consider is how well you know the person you're sending a picture to- Can you trust him not to share it with his buddies or to sell it on one of the pay-for-porn sites? If you can't trust him to not be shady, but you still want the sending pictures sexy fun, you can always crop your head out of the picture or wear a mask to protect your privacy.
On a similar note- Many people use programs like Skype to enjoy sexy times via webcam, so it might be useful to know that those sessions can be recorded and shared... And just like a picture, once a video on the internet it's there forever.
Or you could always take a friend's advice: she says, "If you want to share something, think about what your grandma or pastor might say if they saw it- Because they could."
Thursday, March 6, 2014
The Perfect Dominant
For those of you who haven't virtually met him, this is Cookie.
I write about him often because he's a very important part of my life, he's the biggest and best part of my happy, and I love him more than pie.
I often wax ecstatic about his many virtues:
How hard-working he is (he just got a raise, the second in the past year), his loyalty, brilliance, humor, dedication. What a good dad he is to the real kids and our puppy "kids." How neatly our kinks and general vanilla goals/beliefs/whatnot align... I tell everybody who will listen how perfect he is for me, because he is, and my ecstatic waxing is one way I show him how much I appreciate him (even if he doesn't read it. Someday he might).
I don't think it's odd that I like to write about his awesomeness, and it's something I see a lot of other submissive women (or just women in general) do when they're happy with their significant other and happy in their relationship. And in the context of the Kinkyverse, writing about our Domly Ones is often a way to illustrate that other submissives don't have to settle for someone who doesn't meet their needs, they can find someone awesome and have an awesome relationship because we've done it... Just look at how awesome our Doms are, look at how happy we are.
I think it's important to provide these examples, there are a lot of submissive women out there who think that they can't find the guy of their dreams, or that they have to settle, or that they can't expect more because they're submissive and for some reason D-types don't have to be compatible beyond kink... Providing examples of how we found not only the perfect guy for us, but the perfect Dom as well- that's good.
What's not so good, and what I started thinking about tonight is that when I and other submissives talk about our guys we're only ever talking about what makes them great guys. We only really talk about the good things, so I wonder if we're creating this picture of a Perfect Dominant that's setting an unrealistic bar for real life, normal guys to live up to.
We're creating a picture of what the Perfect Dominant is, what constitutes "real" and "true," and I wonder if that's not a bit unfair to them and to us.
In my writings, Cookie never fails, he never screws up, he doesn't get sick. He's always steadfast and strong, he never falters or fails. He's my safe harbor, a paragon of manly-domly virtue, and well... He's disgustingly perfect.
Thing is... He's not.
I tend to gloss over or just ignore all the ways he doesn't qualify for sainthood.
He makes dumb mistakes. The other day, the insurance on the car lapsed. We've been driving the car around for a week without insurance on it (granted, it's not just his fault, I could have asked about it, but he handles the money and bills so I didn't).
He never remembers to pull his undershirts out of his work shirts, something that drives me batty on laundry day.
Rinsing milk out of a glass is a concept he's totally unfamiliar with.
He doesn't always think things through- He actually thought it was a good idea to trade his car that ran well but he had a payment for his parent's paid-off, barely-running car... That he would have had to pay to fix.
He has an obsessive-compulsive need to acquire Nerf Guns. I'm dead serious. Some people hoard trash or pets? Cookie hoards Nerf guns.
Sometimes he feels down and I'm his rock.
Sometimes he can't handle something so I do it.
At the moment he's suffering from some version of the Flu that makes him complain, whine, puke, and snore all night long. All. Night. Long... Loudly.
He doesn't "know it all," he's not without his short-comings, and the reality of it is- He's not The Perfect Dominant. He's not the stuff of legends, of fiction, or anything even remotely reality based. He's human.
Although he might be perfect for me, he's far from perfection because nobody is actually perfect. Not outside the pages of fiction, anyways.
Just another random thought for another long, lonely night (ugh. I cannot wait for this third shift business to be over).
All the Nerf Guns!
50 Shades of Grey: The Reality of The Billionaire Dom (AKA fun with bad math)
Do you want to know something funny about me?
I'm horrible at math (seriously, if my phone didn't have a calculator app I'd be lost), but I really like playing with numbers. I love it. I like looking up statistics and applying them to real life or imagined scenarios. So I'm a little surprised that it's taken me this long to play with these numbers:
Disclaimer: I really do suck at math. So everything that follows could be waaaaaay off. I was just having fun with it.
What are the odds of finding a Real Life Christian Grey?
Out of curiosity I used my friend Google to find out how many billionaires there were in the USA.
Forbes most recent list from March 2013 says: 442
That's not a horrible number, it's not out of the realm of possibility that someone's Christian Grey really is out there... But unless they want the super old and crusty version, let's narrow it down a little more. How many of those billionaires are under 40? Forbes was helpful again: 11 The average age of a billionaire is 61.7 years old.
Ooo... Looks like things have just gotten a bit tougher for a submissive who's on the prowl for her very own Christian Grey.
But wait! The numbers get worse...
Estimates for the percentage of people who play kinky games occasionally is roughly 50%- So perhaps 5.5 of those billionaires like a little kink in their life.
Estimates for people who engage in regular kinky activity (frequency, not the type of play) is a guestimate and ranges from 5-20%... So from our pool of under-40 billionaires you get one or two guys who might be interested in D/s. And if you figure that out of a possible 2 guys, one of them might fall on the s side of the slash- That's one billionaire Dom in the United States. ONE... And he might already be married.
Christian Grey is a statistical improbability...
Or to be blunt- You're not going to meet him. Ever.
Well, I think most folks with any critical thinking skills could have reasoned that one out- So what if we set the bar a bit lower? What if we aim for a millionaire? There are, after all, more millionaires than there are billionaires...
The NY Times reported in 2013- "The study found that at the end of 2012, 8.99 million American households boasted a net worth of at least $1 million."
Seems a little high, doesn't it? That's because it is. Net worth doesn't reflect what you earn, just that you might be good at saving. So let's look at tax returns-
"According to the latest data from the IRS for 2010, there were roughly 268,000 tax returns reporting more than $1 million in adjusted gross income (AGI)"...
20.3% were under 45, 3.3% were under 35... So if we're looking for a slightly less rich (snort) version of Christian Grey we have 8,844 people to chose from... So far.
Only 12% of millionaires filed "single" on their taxes. Now we have about 90 people in the pool and if one third of them are women (not to disparage lady millionaires, just to increase the possibility of finding a millionaire Dom), we have 60 single guys left.
Using the 5-20% to weed out the vanillas, we have somewhere between 3 and 12 people who are perhaps interested in D/s and if only half of them are interested in being the D... 1.5 to 6 people who earn a million dollars or more in a year might be up your alley... Out of the entire US population.
But what about those folks who save and invest well? There's a lot more of them...
If there are 9M millionaires, but half are men...
4.5 million are left.
If half of those are single, 2.25M are available.
If half are under 35... a little over 1 million millionaires are still in the running.
If between 5-20% of them are interested in D/s, somewhere between 50K and 200K might qualify.
If half of those are D-types? There might be between 25,000 and 100,000 millionaire D-types running around, just waiting to be the Christian Grey's "poor" cousin.
Not horrible odds, unless you consider that with a population of 313million people in the USA, those guys make up 1 in 3,130 people, at most.
The odds of meeting these guys pretty damn slender.
Unless, you know, your best friend gets sick and you have to do her interview with an insanely rich, handsome, and eligible guy for her... Because that could happen.
I'm horrible at math (seriously, if my phone didn't have a calculator app I'd be lost), but I really like playing with numbers. I love it. I like looking up statistics and applying them to real life or imagined scenarios. So I'm a little surprised that it's taken me this long to play with these numbers:
Disclaimer: I really do suck at math. So everything that follows could be waaaaaay off. I was just having fun with it.
What are the odds of finding a Real Life Christian Grey?
Out of curiosity I used my friend Google to find out how many billionaires there were in the USA.
Forbes most recent list from March 2013 says: 442
That's not a horrible number, it's not out of the realm of possibility that someone's Christian Grey really is out there... But unless they want the super old and crusty version, let's narrow it down a little more. How many of those billionaires are under 40? Forbes was helpful again: 11 The average age of a billionaire is 61.7 years old.
Ooo... Looks like things have just gotten a bit tougher for a submissive who's on the prowl for her very own Christian Grey.
But wait! The numbers get worse...
Estimates for the percentage of people who play kinky games occasionally is roughly 50%- So perhaps 5.5 of those billionaires like a little kink in their life.
Estimates for people who engage in regular kinky activity (frequency, not the type of play) is a guestimate and ranges from 5-20%... So from our pool of under-40 billionaires you get one or two guys who might be interested in D/s. And if you figure that out of a possible 2 guys, one of them might fall on the s side of the slash- That's one billionaire Dom in the United States. ONE... And he might already be married.
Christian Grey is a statistical improbability...
Or to be blunt- You're not going to meet him. Ever.
Well, I think most folks with any critical thinking skills could have reasoned that one out- So what if we set the bar a bit lower? What if we aim for a millionaire? There are, after all, more millionaires than there are billionaires...
The NY Times reported in 2013- "The study found that at the end of 2012, 8.99 million American households boasted a net worth of at least $1 million."
Seems a little high, doesn't it? That's because it is. Net worth doesn't reflect what you earn, just that you might be good at saving. So let's look at tax returns-
"According to the latest data from the IRS for 2010, there were roughly 268,000 tax returns reporting more than $1 million in adjusted gross income (AGI)"...
20.3% were under 45, 3.3% were under 35... So if we're looking for a slightly less rich (snort) version of Christian Grey we have 8,844 people to chose from... So far.
Only 12% of millionaires filed "single" on their taxes. Now we have about 90 people in the pool and if one third of them are women (not to disparage lady millionaires, just to increase the possibility of finding a millionaire Dom), we have 60 single guys left.
Using the 5-20% to weed out the vanillas, we have somewhere between 3 and 12 people who are perhaps interested in D/s and if only half of them are interested in being the D... 1.5 to 6 people who earn a million dollars or more in a year might be up your alley... Out of the entire US population.
But what about those folks who save and invest well? There's a lot more of them...
If there are 9M millionaires, but half are men...
4.5 million are left.
If half of those are single, 2.25M are available.
If half are under 35... a little over 1 million millionaires are still in the running.
If between 5-20% of them are interested in D/s, somewhere between 50K and 200K might qualify.
If half of those are D-types? There might be between 25,000 and 100,000 millionaire D-types running around, just waiting to be the Christian Grey's "poor" cousin.
Not horrible odds, unless you consider that with a population of 313million people in the USA, those guys make up 1 in 3,130 people, at most.
The odds of meeting these guys pretty damn slender.
Unless, you know, your best friend gets sick and you have to do her interview with an insanely rich, handsome, and eligible guy for her... Because that could happen.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Fuck this "Alpha Sub" shit.
This morning at some point another writing about "Alpha" submissives made it to K&P.
That by itself wouldn't rile me up because there are plenty of people who feel a good bit of angst over the fact that their personality does battle with their desire to submit. The more submissives with dominant personalities that come out of the woodwork to say, "Hey, I run a company. I'm out-spoken, a go-getter, and confident. I'm competent, secure in myself as a person, and a fully functional, responsible adult... And I'm happy to submit to my partner" the better.
Let's help out our fellow submissives with dominant personalities find their place in the Kinkyverse. I'm all for that. Power to the DP s-types!
So it's not the topic that riles me up, it's the tone of smug superiority these self-proclaimed "Alpha subs" tend to adopt when they talk about themselves. Hell, the very wording implies a sense of superiority, a "better than" quality, and a place above the salt cellar at the table. And everybody who isn't an alpha? well they're somehow "less than". Less smart, less capable, less outgoing, less interesting, less of a challenge... They're just less because being alpha is better.
If that wasn't insulting enough- There's more. Dominants who prefer the easy-going subs, the sweet, shy gals, the ones whose IQs don't qualify them for Mensa? Those guys are inferior as well and the reasoning is that because they prefer the non-alpha sub they're incapable of handling a "real" sub. They're compared to low quality management who hires even lower quality staff so as not to have their power threatened because they're weak.
As much as I'm all about breaking the submissive stereotype, I am totally against going about it in this way. I think it's pretty damn low to make someone feel like they have less worth because they don't have the same qualities that you do, I think it's shitty to make another group feel less worthy because you're incompatible with them. And if the only argument you can make for being a DP Submissive is one that involves tearing others down in an attempt to legitimize your position in the Kinkyverse, you're not helping.
There is a case that needs to be made for the Dominant Personality Submissive- That while we have character traits shared by many D-types our submission is genuine and valid. That personality and orientation, the side of the slash we gravitate towards in an Authority Exchange relationship, does not always match up. That we are just as real and true as any other person who choses to submit.
We can make that case without maligning others.
So can we stop the "Alpha sub" bullshit already?
That by itself wouldn't rile me up because there are plenty of people who feel a good bit of angst over the fact that their personality does battle with their desire to submit. The more submissives with dominant personalities that come out of the woodwork to say, "Hey, I run a company. I'm out-spoken, a go-getter, and confident. I'm competent, secure in myself as a person, and a fully functional, responsible adult... And I'm happy to submit to my partner" the better.
Let's help out our fellow submissives with dominant personalities find their place in the Kinkyverse. I'm all for that. Power to the DP s-types!
So it's not the topic that riles me up, it's the tone of smug superiority these self-proclaimed "Alpha subs" tend to adopt when they talk about themselves. Hell, the very wording implies a sense of superiority, a "better than" quality, and a place above the salt cellar at the table. And everybody who isn't an alpha? well they're somehow "less than". Less smart, less capable, less outgoing, less interesting, less of a challenge... They're just less because being alpha is better.
If that wasn't insulting enough- There's more. Dominants who prefer the easy-going subs, the sweet, shy gals, the ones whose IQs don't qualify them for Mensa? Those guys are inferior as well and the reasoning is that because they prefer the non-alpha sub they're incapable of handling a "real" sub. They're compared to low quality management who hires even lower quality staff so as not to have their power threatened because they're weak.
As much as I'm all about breaking the submissive stereotype, I am totally against going about it in this way. I think it's pretty damn low to make someone feel like they have less worth because they don't have the same qualities that you do, I think it's shitty to make another group feel less worthy because you're incompatible with them. And if the only argument you can make for being a DP Submissive is one that involves tearing others down in an attempt to legitimize your position in the Kinkyverse, you're not helping.
There is a case that needs to be made for the Dominant Personality Submissive- That while we have character traits shared by many D-types our submission is genuine and valid. That personality and orientation, the side of the slash we gravitate towards in an Authority Exchange relationship, does not always match up. That we are just as real and true as any other person who choses to submit.
We can make that case without maligning others.
So can we stop the "Alpha sub" bullshit already?
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
A True Submissive...
I have a terrible confession to make.
Seriously, it's pretty awful.
It's so awful that you'll all probably throw virtual rocks at me and drive me from the Kinkyverse and I will become a sad outcast wandering the Vanilla cosmos alone...
I am not a True Submissive (tm).
I know, I know. Here I am claiming to be a submissive and writing this blog and I'm not even true. I'm some sort of counterfeit submissive who pales in comparison to the real thing. A knock-off. Faux.
I tried to deny the truth of the matter for a long time, but mounting evidence to the contrary makes the charade impossible to continue. I cannot live a lie any more, I am (apparently)... Not True.
Gasp!
I have to come clean, and in an effort to do so I will list my shameful faux submissive sins (in no particular order).
1. I am not a natural submissive.
I wasn't born knowing the 128 Slave Rules, the Positions a True sub should instinctually assume, and my first words were not "Yes, Sir." Right off the bat I failed to be true. My own mother confirms this as fact by saying that I never begged for my bottle, I demanded it in a very non-submissive sort of way. Usually with angry howls and a glare. She says I was a contrary child.
2. I don't enjoy service.
Everybody knows that True Subs love serving people. Their sole purpose in life is making others happy. I knew my best friend was a True Sub when we went out to dinner and she felt compelled to begin waiting tables in order to speed up service and make the other diners happy. It wouldn't have been that bad if she hadn't done it while kneeling.
3. There is stuff I just won't do, no matter how happy it'll make my Domly One.
A true sub doesn't have limits because they trust their Dom and their Dom's happiness is the very most important thing to them ever. Domly doesn't want to eat yet? They'll wait dinner, even if the children are starving. Domly wants butt sex? Despite that recent anal fissure and bout of Ring Of Fire Diarrhea, they'll comply. A true sub will do the shit I won't which is a blatant sign of my untrueness.
4. Altruism has never held any appeal to me.
To be a true sub you really have to enjoy being a altruistic. You have to be happy serving with no positive feedback because True Subs don't need praise or rewards for a job well done. Their Dom's happiness is reward enough and if it isn't and they're unhappy then they're not really true. I personally like being told when I do something well. I like positive reinforcement. I like getting rewards... I'm so not true.
5. My Domly isn't the only thing I think of.
A true sub thinks of their Dom at all times, "The first thing to enter a submissive's mind when they wake is "what can i do to help Him/Her today" and the last thing through their minds when they go to sleep is the joy that they have served well." Not to mention at all times in between, too. True subs never think of themselves, ever. And as part of this confession I have to admit that I spend a great deal of time thinking about things other than Cookie. Especially first thing in the morning. Then I'm usually wondering if I'm out of Diet Dew or not.
6. I don't like pain.
"True submission means going above and beyond...giving until it hurts"... Right there- Failure.
7. Endless lists of rules and regulations don't send me into a frenzy of submissive glee.
It seems that all the True Subs have insanely long lists of rules (that they undoubtedly memorized within 13 minutes of first reading it), and they all seem to post these endless lists on their blogs to show off how their trueness can be directly correlated to the length of the rule list. Meanwhile, sad faker that I am, I only have one rule: Cookie is the Boss.
8. I don't post those "Guidelines for Subs" things that are so popular with the True Subs.
Nor have I posted and raved about the Submissives Creed, the 9 Levels of Submission, or any of the other popular writings about what makes a True Submissive. That in itself is a pretty good indicator of how not true I am. In my defense I did take that BDSM quiz... But then I laughed at the result. Oops.
9. I don't have "slavish tendencies."
I don't even know what that means. What the hell are slavish tendencies? True Subs are supposed to have them and I have no idea what they are... Just more proof that I'm not true because if I was then I would know what slavish tendencies are. I'd have been born knowing, I bet.
10. I make mock of anything that dictates what a True Submissive is.
I just can't seem to help myself because it's so silly. It's about as silly as saying "This is what makes a True Human" and then giving a list of things that only some humans like to do... Me? I think a True Human is human. I think a True Submissive submits. That's it. There's not list, no guidelines, nothing that will make some people feel superior and others feel inferior.
A True Sub submits.
That's it. If you submit, you're a True Submissive- All the other shit is just stage dressing.
Seriously, it's pretty awful.
It's so awful that you'll all probably throw virtual rocks at me and drive me from the Kinkyverse and I will become a sad outcast wandering the Vanilla cosmos alone...
I am not a True Submissive (tm).
I know, I know. Here I am claiming to be a submissive and writing this blog and I'm not even true. I'm some sort of counterfeit submissive who pales in comparison to the real thing. A knock-off. Faux.
I tried to deny the truth of the matter for a long time, but mounting evidence to the contrary makes the charade impossible to continue. I cannot live a lie any more, I am (apparently)... Not True.
Gasp!
I have to come clean, and in an effort to do so I will list my shameful faux submissive sins (in no particular order).
Squeaky's Terrible-Horrible List of Faux Submissive Sins:
1. I am not a natural submissive.
I wasn't born knowing the 128 Slave Rules, the Positions a True sub should instinctually assume, and my first words were not "Yes, Sir." Right off the bat I failed to be true. My own mother confirms this as fact by saying that I never begged for my bottle, I demanded it in a very non-submissive sort of way. Usually with angry howls and a glare. She says I was a contrary child.
2. I don't enjoy service.
Everybody knows that True Subs love serving people. Their sole purpose in life is making others happy. I knew my best friend was a True Sub when we went out to dinner and she felt compelled to begin waiting tables in order to speed up service and make the other diners happy. It wouldn't have been that bad if she hadn't done it while kneeling.
3. There is stuff I just won't do, no matter how happy it'll make my Domly One.
A true sub doesn't have limits because they trust their Dom and their Dom's happiness is the very most important thing to them ever. Domly doesn't want to eat yet? They'll wait dinner, even if the children are starving. Domly wants butt sex? Despite that recent anal fissure and bout of Ring Of Fire Diarrhea, they'll comply. A true sub will do the shit I won't which is a blatant sign of my untrueness.
4. Altruism has never held any appeal to me.
To be a true sub you really have to enjoy being a altruistic. You have to be happy serving with no positive feedback because True Subs don't need praise or rewards for a job well done. Their Dom's happiness is reward enough and if it isn't and they're unhappy then they're not really true. I personally like being told when I do something well. I like positive reinforcement. I like getting rewards... I'm so not true.
5. My Domly isn't the only thing I think of.
A true sub thinks of their Dom at all times, "The first thing to enter a submissive's mind when they wake is "what can i do to help Him/Her today" and the last thing through their minds when they go to sleep is the joy that they have served well." Not to mention at all times in between, too. True subs never think of themselves, ever. And as part of this confession I have to admit that I spend a great deal of time thinking about things other than Cookie. Especially first thing in the morning. Then I'm usually wondering if I'm out of Diet Dew or not.
6. I don't like pain.
"True submission means going above and beyond...giving until it hurts"... Right there- Failure.
7. Endless lists of rules and regulations don't send me into a frenzy of submissive glee.
It seems that all the True Subs have insanely long lists of rules (that they undoubtedly memorized within 13 minutes of first reading it), and they all seem to post these endless lists on their blogs to show off how their trueness can be directly correlated to the length of the rule list. Meanwhile, sad faker that I am, I only have one rule: Cookie is the Boss.
8. I don't post those "Guidelines for Subs" things that are so popular with the True Subs.
Nor have I posted and raved about the Submissives Creed, the 9 Levels of Submission, or any of the other popular writings about what makes a True Submissive. That in itself is a pretty good indicator of how not true I am. In my defense I did take that BDSM quiz... But then I laughed at the result. Oops.
9. I don't have "slavish tendencies."
I don't even know what that means. What the hell are slavish tendencies? True Subs are supposed to have them and I have no idea what they are... Just more proof that I'm not true because if I was then I would know what slavish tendencies are. I'd have been born knowing, I bet.
10. I make mock of anything that dictates what a True Submissive is.
I just can't seem to help myself because it's so silly. It's about as silly as saying "This is what makes a True Human" and then giving a list of things that only some humans like to do... Me? I think a True Human is human. I think a True Submissive submits. That's it. There's not list, no guidelines, nothing that will make some people feel superior and others feel inferior.
A True Sub submits.
That's it. If you submit, you're a True Submissive- All the other shit is just stage dressing.
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