There's a thing that's happening over here in Squeaktopia that has me pondering emotional fidelity.
Now, because I have superior Google Fu skills I thought I'd just do a quick and easy search so that I could kind of get my thoughts into order for the Squeaksplaining that needs to happen later today. Turns out, explaining emotional fidelity is about as easy as explaining what an elephant looks like to a blind man.
Oh, there's plenty of examples of what emotional infidelity is. I could find that shit fast, there's about a million-billion sites devoted to it... But nothing about emotional fidelity.
You'd think that it would be helpful to have something that says "This is what emotional fidelity looks like" so you know what to avoid. That seems far more helpful than explaining what infidelity is because after it's happened the damage is done.
So, I began thinking.
You never see emotional infidelity as an issue between two friends who are girls (or guys) and straight.
Friends are supposed to bond emotionally. We support each other, we love each other, it's what friends are supposed to do... Unless it's hetero folks and a guy-girl friendship. Then that shit gets tricky.
An action, say, telling your bestie about a promotion at work, or that annoying thing your spouse does, or your feelings is totally kopasetic. It's just friends sharing. Friends do that, it's expected.
But tell those things to a friend of the opposite sex (or same sex I guess if you're wired that way) and you're suddenly standing on shaky ground. The chances of your significant other getting bent out of shape increases dramatically. Jealousy might rear its ugly head.
I had to think about that for a few minutes... And it hit me: Most of us who are straight are not romantically attracted to our same-sex besties. Someone of the opposite sex though- Then there is that possibility of attraction. There's the possibility that emotional bonding might lead to romantic interest forming.
There's a threat, and real or imagined, it's enough to wreak havoc on a relationship.
Still, that doesn't help me to figure out what the conversation I need to have later needs to include. It doesn't let me know what parameters or limits I need to have in place to feel secure with Cookie having a friend of the opposite sex (with whom there is some unpleasant history).
And it's stupid because if this was his best guy friend I wouldn't care... But here we go again- Best guy friend is not a potential threat to my happiness. And I'm not worried about Cookie physically cheating, I'm worried about him becoming emotionally dependant on someone for support who is female, which would be worse than a fling that meant nothing.
Something that means nothing doesn't bother me. OK, it would bother me but it wouldn't bother-bother me.
I'm worried about him sharing more about himself with her than with me. I'm not OK with him giving away the important parts of his emotional self to another woman. I'm worried about that meaning something.
Gah! This is so stupid...
I should just nip this in the bud and say, "Yeah, remember how great things were back when she was in your life and creating strife? Lets' just avoid the potential for a repeat of that."
I'm going to go bang my head against a wall for a few hours.
Maybe that will sort some of this shit out.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Life, in all of it's frustrating, busy, glory.
I have totally ignored my poor, poor blog.
At night I can hear it quietly weeping, waiting for me to pay attention to it, and despairing every time I troll the interwebs without once thinking of it.
I swear a have a plethora of good excuses though!
October 25th Cookie and I finally (FINALLY!) got around to celebrating the fact that we got hitched ages ago. The last few weeks leading up to it had me pulling the hair out of both of our heads, gnashing my teeth, and generally running around like a thing possessed. Anybody who has ever planned a big party on a budget will understand. It was crazy-making.
Thankfully it went off without a hitch (seriously! Everything went according to plan!), and it was an epic party.
The venue was spectacular- We rented a ballroom.
Our DJ rocked the house.
The décor (all DIY, have I mentioned that I'm a wee bit insane?), food, and drinks were all quite tasty, and...
I made chocolate covered caramel apples.
Devine.
Then, party done it was time for Halloween. We take Halloween seriously around these parts. We dress up, the small folk dress up, it's a fiasco and a half and we love every minute of it.
Of course this year it chose to snow, and rain, and the temperature hovered somewhere right above freezing... But still. Good times.
And finally, November.
For most folks November is that time of year where you draw turkeys by outlining your hand.
For me- It's NaNoWriMo.
National November Writing Month.
The 30 days where I attempt to write a novel.
So far it's going well, 7 days in and I'm at 37,199 words (for folks not obsessed with word counts, that's about 140ish pages).
It also means that except when Cookie orders me away from my precious keyboard (My Preciousssss!) I do nothing else but attempt to churn out the Next Great American Novel.
*snort*
Anyways, that's life lately.
It's pretty great.
At night I can hear it quietly weeping, waiting for me to pay attention to it, and despairing every time I troll the interwebs without once thinking of it.
I swear a have a plethora of good excuses though!
October 25th Cookie and I finally (FINALLY!) got around to celebrating the fact that we got hitched ages ago. The last few weeks leading up to it had me pulling the hair out of both of our heads, gnashing my teeth, and generally running around like a thing possessed. Anybody who has ever planned a big party on a budget will understand. It was crazy-making.
Thankfully it went off without a hitch (seriously! Everything went according to plan!), and it was an epic party.
The venue was spectacular- We rented a ballroom.
Our DJ rocked the house.
The décor (all DIY, have I mentioned that I'm a wee bit insane?), food, and drinks were all quite tasty, and...
I made chocolate covered caramel apples.
Devine.
Then, party done it was time for Halloween. We take Halloween seriously around these parts. We dress up, the small folk dress up, it's a fiasco and a half and we love every minute of it.
Of course this year it chose to snow, and rain, and the temperature hovered somewhere right above freezing... But still. Good times.
And finally, November.
For most folks November is that time of year where you draw turkeys by outlining your hand.
For me- It's NaNoWriMo.
National November Writing Month.
The 30 days where I attempt to write a novel.
So far it's going well, 7 days in and I'm at 37,199 words (for folks not obsessed with word counts, that's about 140ish pages).
It also means that except when Cookie orders me away from my precious keyboard (My Preciousssss!) I do nothing else but attempt to churn out the Next Great American Novel.
*snort*
Anyways, that's life lately.
It's pretty great.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Teach Me How To Squirt!
Inevitably, someone (usually someone of the female persuasion), gets it into her head that squirting is something she must know how to do. RIGHT NOW. So, she makes her way into some forum or another and asks, "Can you be trained to squirt? If so can someone train me?"
And then, without fail, folks come crawling out of the woodwork spouting all sorts of idiocrity. From the women it's crap like this-
"Of course you can! Just do X, Y, Z, and tap your glittery red shoes together three times while chanting 'I just want to squirt...'"
"If I can, you can. All women are built the same!"
"All women can squirt!"
"My Master says..."
And the Dudebros feel the need to pop up and Mansplain how, exactly, the female anatomy works, and why they (The Gift of The Gods To All Womankind) have squirty success rates over 99.8% of the time, and why the lady question asker should let them teach her the secret, sacred squirt.
Me? I roll my eyes and do what I always do, inform the masses using a novel idea called science.
Science is this really neat thing, even when it comes to underexplored realms like The Lady Bits. It's got some basic clues about how we work, why we work, and all sorts of interesting factoids that make a difference when answering questions like these.
Such As:
"All Women can squirt!"
Nope.
And do you know why? Because some of us lack the plumbing to manufacture a squirt.
Really. I'm not shitting you. Scientists think that the squirt is made in this nifty thing called the Skene's Gland (also known as the Female Prostrate because of its similarity to the male equivalent) and expelled through the Skene's Ducts. Now, there are no exact numbers because who bothers to look for that sort of thing, but there are ladies out there who don't have them- Which means... Not all women can squirt.
http://www.thugmed.com/2008/12/essential-anatomy-skenes-gland/
So quit saying they can as it sets some ladies up for failure and makes them feel bad because of something that is not their fault.
Then there's the ladies who might have the gland and ducts and haven't squirted.
Might they be able to? Sure. If the plumbing is there, they might be able to squirt.
Will they? Who knows.
We're not all wired alike and the stimulation that gets one lady there (to squirty nirvana and messy sheets) might not work on another. I think that for something like this there's a lot of trial and error (A LOT) involved, along with knowing your body and what works for you. But even then, if you try and try and nothing happens, what does it matter?
Then there's my favorite. The guy who comes along and insists that despite science and despite the fact that none of our lady bodies work the same way, he has the Magical Man Skillz to make you wet the wallpaper across the room...
He's full of it ladies.
He might have had some success with previous partners (or maybe they just got fed up with his insistence so they took a wee at him), or he might have some stellar feel-good action that works most of the time... But he knows jack shit about your body and he's a fool for pretending otherwise. So don't be fooled by his super altruistic [sarcasm] offer to help.
And honestly,who cares? I really don't get why it's such a big deal, this stupid party trick some of out bits can do...We all have hands but nobody assumes that anybody with two hands and ten digits can paint like Picasso. Nobody insists that we can if we try hard enough, or makes us feel like failures when we produce something that looks like it belongs in a kindergarten classroom.
Why all the hassle and disappointment and angst over a bit of wet?
Meh.
TL;DR-
Not all women can squirt.
Nobody can "teach" or "train" you how to quirt if you can't (or even if you can).
Science rocks.
And then, without fail, folks come crawling out of the woodwork spouting all sorts of idiocrity. From the women it's crap like this-
"Of course you can! Just do X, Y, Z, and tap your glittery red shoes together three times while chanting 'I just want to squirt...'"
"If I can, you can. All women are built the same!"
"All women can squirt!"
"My Master says..."
And the Dudebros feel the need to pop up and Mansplain how, exactly, the female anatomy works, and why they (The Gift of The Gods To All Womankind) have squirty success rates over 99.8% of the time, and why the lady question asker should let them teach her the secret, sacred squirt.
Me? I roll my eyes and do what I always do, inform the masses using a novel idea called science.
Science is this really neat thing, even when it comes to underexplored realms like The Lady Bits. It's got some basic clues about how we work, why we work, and all sorts of interesting factoids that make a difference when answering questions like these.
Such As:
"All Women can squirt!"
Nope.
And do you know why? Because some of us lack the plumbing to manufacture a squirt.
Really. I'm not shitting you. Scientists think that the squirt is made in this nifty thing called the Skene's Gland (also known as the Female Prostrate because of its similarity to the male equivalent) and expelled through the Skene's Ducts. Now, there are no exact numbers because who bothers to look for that sort of thing, but there are ladies out there who don't have them- Which means... Not all women can squirt.
http://www.thugmed.com/2008/12/essential-anatomy-skenes-gland/
So quit saying they can as it sets some ladies up for failure and makes them feel bad because of something that is not their fault.
Then there's the ladies who might have the gland and ducts and haven't squirted.
Might they be able to? Sure. If the plumbing is there, they might be able to squirt.
Will they? Who knows.
We're not all wired alike and the stimulation that gets one lady there (to squirty nirvana and messy sheets) might not work on another. I think that for something like this there's a lot of trial and error (A LOT) involved, along with knowing your body and what works for you. But even then, if you try and try and nothing happens, what does it matter?
Then there's my favorite. The guy who comes along and insists that despite science and despite the fact that none of our lady bodies work the same way, he has the Magical Man Skillz to make you wet the wallpaper across the room...
He's full of it ladies.
He might have had some success with previous partners (or maybe they just got fed up with his insistence so they took a wee at him), or he might have some stellar feel-good action that works most of the time... But he knows jack shit about your body and he's a fool for pretending otherwise. So don't be fooled by his super altruistic [sarcasm] offer to help.
And honestly,who cares? I really don't get why it's such a big deal, this stupid party trick some of out bits can do...We all have hands but nobody assumes that anybody with two hands and ten digits can paint like Picasso. Nobody insists that we can if we try hard enough, or makes us feel like failures when we produce something that looks like it belongs in a kindergarten classroom.
Why all the hassle and disappointment and angst over a bit of wet?
Meh.
TL;DR-
Not all women can squirt.
Nobody can "teach" or "train" you how to quirt if you can't (or even if you can).
Science rocks.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
The Natural Submissive (Personality Vs. Orientation)
Yesterday an unintentionally interesting thread happened in one of the groups I belong to on Fet. It started out as a snark-fest aimed at the painfully annoying folks who wave around the "Natural Submissive" label as a badge of honor to make themselves feel superior and then moved on to a discussion about people who do genuinely feel that they're just naturally submissive (like someone might be naturally inclined to be a good singer).
So as I was reading this thread I noticed something that I found interesting- Most of the folks who self identified as a "natural" were those who expressed that they had a desire to serve or please others their entire lives. Those folks with a submissive personality type.
That makes a certain amount of sense. If you feel that way for as long as you can remember it's going to feel natural to you because that's just how you are, and if you also have the orientation to be the submissive partner... Well, what's going to feel more natural than having a relationship dynamic that aligns neatly with your personality. It may just be a continuation of the person you've always known you were.
Then I began thinking about orientation by itself.
There are plenty of submissives who do not have submissive personalities (I'm one of them) but who are wired to be the submissive partner in their relationships.
You rarely, if ever, see the "natural" label applied to these folks, even though it could be argued that orientation is just as natural as personality- And perhaps more so. Personality can be altered either by will or by outside influence, but orientation is hard-wiring (must ponder this thought more...).
Anyways.
I started thinking about why orientation submissives don't generally use the "natural" label. I know I never have, it's never occurred to me to do so.
And I wonder if it's because there may be a conflict between having a more assertive personality and a desire to submit within a relationship... Sometimes it just doesn't feel all that natural, especially when a person has had this assertive, more dominant personality for years and years and then when they start dating and start forming intimate relationships, then the hard-wiring finally makes itself known.
I suppose there might be a bit of an identity crisis in there somewhere: The personality says, "Sorry pal, this isn't who we are" while the wiring is responding with "Wanna bet?"
I guess it also doesn't help in this crisis that "natural" is applied to people unlike ourselves (ourselves being assertive P, submissive O), so what are we left with? Well, we're certainly not natural according to the generalizations so that must make us unnatural and unnatural is something to fight against.
Now I'm wondering if it wouldn't perhaps be helpful if more Assertive Personality- submissive Orientation folks were to apply the "natural" label to themselves?
Would it be helpful for newbies to hear "Yep. I have an assertive personality and I naturally orient as the submissive partner in a relationship. I am naturally submissive, just in a different way."
Would that concept help with the identity struggle?
I'm not sure, but I guess it is just a continuation of a concept that helped me a great deal when I was struggling with making sense out of these seemingly warring factions within myself.
The concept was Personality and Orientation and that neither of those things were the same-
A person could have a submissive P and could or could not orient as a submissive in a relationship.
A person could have an assertive P and could or could not orient as a submissive in a relationship.
One had nothing to do with the other, so perhaps expanding on that, that any personality and orientation combination is NATURAL would be beneficial...
I don't know. I don't think the idea is quite as fleshed out as I'd like it to be, but maybe it's a start.
EDIT TO ADD:
This is part of the on-going discussion, and I'm going to tack it on here because it's also part of this-
Someone Else- Whatever is wrong with being submissive in general, not just by conscious choice, not just towards that one special person or those several special people?
Me- That's a continuation of what I'm thinking about and driving towards- Orientation isn't a conscious choice, not for submission, not for sexuality, not for gender... Much like personality it's just who someone is.
And maybe folks don't see it as natural (or innate, also a good word) because there is a selection process involved, but then natural selection is natural, all species select for the best possible mate... And if that orientation hard-wiring doesn't kick in until the right partner has been selected?
But still, once the right partner is there, it's not a choice. Not for me anyways.
So as I was reading this thread I noticed something that I found interesting- Most of the folks who self identified as a "natural" were those who expressed that they had a desire to serve or please others their entire lives. Those folks with a submissive personality type.
That makes a certain amount of sense. If you feel that way for as long as you can remember it's going to feel natural to you because that's just how you are, and if you also have the orientation to be the submissive partner... Well, what's going to feel more natural than having a relationship dynamic that aligns neatly with your personality. It may just be a continuation of the person you've always known you were.
Then I began thinking about orientation by itself.
There are plenty of submissives who do not have submissive personalities (I'm one of them) but who are wired to be the submissive partner in their relationships.
You rarely, if ever, see the "natural" label applied to these folks, even though it could be argued that orientation is just as natural as personality- And perhaps more so. Personality can be altered either by will or by outside influence, but orientation is hard-wiring (must ponder this thought more...).
Anyways.
I started thinking about why orientation submissives don't generally use the "natural" label. I know I never have, it's never occurred to me to do so.
And I wonder if it's because there may be a conflict between having a more assertive personality and a desire to submit within a relationship... Sometimes it just doesn't feel all that natural, especially when a person has had this assertive, more dominant personality for years and years and then when they start dating and start forming intimate relationships, then the hard-wiring finally makes itself known.
I suppose there might be a bit of an identity crisis in there somewhere: The personality says, "Sorry pal, this isn't who we are" while the wiring is responding with "Wanna bet?"
I guess it also doesn't help in this crisis that "natural" is applied to people unlike ourselves (ourselves being assertive P, submissive O), so what are we left with? Well, we're certainly not natural according to the generalizations so that must make us unnatural and unnatural is something to fight against.
Now I'm wondering if it wouldn't perhaps be helpful if more Assertive Personality- submissive Orientation folks were to apply the "natural" label to themselves?
Would it be helpful for newbies to hear "Yep. I have an assertive personality and I naturally orient as the submissive partner in a relationship. I am naturally submissive, just in a different way."
Would that concept help with the identity struggle?
I'm not sure, but I guess it is just a continuation of a concept that helped me a great deal when I was struggling with making sense out of these seemingly warring factions within myself.
The concept was Personality and Orientation and that neither of those things were the same-
A person could have a submissive P and could or could not orient as a submissive in a relationship.
A person could have an assertive P and could or could not orient as a submissive in a relationship.
One had nothing to do with the other, so perhaps expanding on that, that any personality and orientation combination is NATURAL would be beneficial...
I don't know. I don't think the idea is quite as fleshed out as I'd like it to be, but maybe it's a start.
EDIT TO ADD:
This is part of the on-going discussion, and I'm going to tack it on here because it's also part of this-
Someone Else- Whatever is wrong with being submissive in general, not just by conscious choice, not just towards that one special person or those several special people?
Me- That's a continuation of what I'm thinking about and driving towards- Orientation isn't a conscious choice, not for submission, not for sexuality, not for gender... Much like personality it's just who someone is.
And maybe folks don't see it as natural (or innate, also a good word) because there is a selection process involved, but then natural selection is natural, all species select for the best possible mate... And if that orientation hard-wiring doesn't kick in until the right partner has been selected?
But still, once the right partner is there, it's not a choice. Not for me anyways.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Another Internet How-To List...
I like reposting (and adding to) things I find on the internet.
Why? Because sometimes it's horrid advice that I'm sharing and I point out why it's horrid, and sometimes it's sound advice that I like to expand on to provide multiple perspectives in one place. This is case of the latter- Pretty decent advice with additional commentary.
1. YOU are in charge of your own safety and happiness.
Although this is a power-exchange type of world, you do not give up your rights as a human being (unless that’s something you have negotiated) and ultimately the choice to remain in an unsafe or miserable situation is your own.
I actually prefer "Authority Exchange" as I feel it's more accurate, but beyond that- Hooray for someone else espousing personal responsibility! It is your job to keep yourself safe- Not mine, or your friend's or the community (whoever they are), or your partner's... YOURS.
Use safe words, use safe calls, call upon friends who you can trust. Consent does matter, but you can always withdraw consent.
Hey, wait... What happened to personal responsibility?
Safe words are great when they work, but they only work when your partner respects them.
And safe calls are just a starting point for the cops to come looking for your body... They don't actually keep you safe.
2. Dominants are not mind readers- in fact they rather suck at it, so be sure that you are stating your needs and your desires clearly.
Do not expect to get what you want or need if you’re not willing to open your mouth and ask for it. Always be willing to open up the line of communication BEFORE play and ASK or DISCUSS it.
Brilliant!
Too bad more folks can't seem to grasp this simple concept (nobody's a mind reader!), there would be a lot more fulfilling, happy relationships.
3. Know what you like.
Nothing is more frustrating than a dominant asking “what are you interested in” and getting a blank stare and an “ummm” in response.
Know what you like and what you don’t like. If you don’t know, figure it out. Attend an event where they do “tasters” of various kinks, contact a dominant you trust to show you things, or just plain ask. You need to know what you like or you are not going to be very happy and content with yourself or your dominant.
Additionally, merely thinking about different activities can help this process along. Do you think about it and squick? Then you might not want to try that activity. Does it sound interesting? Then you can probably move it to the "might want to try" column of your mental list. Then, think about them some more... is this something you would really like to try, or is it something that you'd just be happy fantasizing about?
4. Not every “top” or “dominant” or big letter person is trustworthy.
Just because they carry a big whip and wear a fancy hat doesn’t mean that you can trust them. Get references, listen to others, and trust your instincts. If something feels wrong or like a “red flag” trust yourself. You were given an instinct to protect yourself USE IT.
True that.
But references? One thing to keep in mind is the fact that nobody is going to have you contact a person who will give them a bad reference. Think about it- When you apply to a new job who do you have your prospective employer contact? People who will give you a glowing reference, or folks who will tell your prospective boss that you pick your nose while driving, punt kittens, and have been known to drink out of the milk carton?
5. Don’t top from below.
If you decide you are submissive, be the submissive- don’t try to weasel your way into being the de-facto top or to always get your way. It really does get to be all about the top. If you can’t handle that, maybe you are on the wrong end of the dynamic.
Errr... Actually, it's not always "all about the top."
If your needs are not being met and you're voicing a reasonable concern- That's honest communication. Anybody who tries to shut down honest communication with a TFTB accusation is a weenie.
And some (rare) D-types enjoy some difficulty...
To each their own.
6. Bottoming to someone is not the same as submitting to them forever.
Just because someone plays with you or allows you to serve them doesn’t mean that you belong to them. It might lead to something more, it might not. Don’t be a stalker about it!
That.
I don't know how many times I've seen some New & Excited Baby Seal announce to the world that "her new Dom..." when they're just play partners and there is no D/s dynamic, just sexy fun time T/b play. Don't be that person. It's not attractive. It's like going on one date and referring to the guy as your fiancé... Creepy.
7. If you agree to rules, procedures, responsibilities, etc, do not constantly renegotiate.
Agree to only what you are willing to do and then do that. If you can’t handle the agreement to begin with, don’t agree to it!
To be fair, sometimes renegotiating things often in the begining is good for the relationship to ensure that both or all parties get what they desire because really, few of us get it right, right away. It takes some trial and error.
8. Be honest about who you are.
Are you poly? Monogamous? Bi-sexual? HIV-positive? Got Herpes? Grow a spine and be honest about it. Don’t enter into a relationship trying to be something you are not. You’ll only end up miserable and hurting people. This goes back to knowing yourself and what you want or would like to try.
No argument there.
9. Don’t’ be afraid to say no!
Don’t be afraid to safe word. Don’t be afraid to withdraw consent.
Just don’t expect things to be all happy and wonderful and perfect after you do so. Saying no, safewording and withdrawing consent should be the beginning of a conversation, not the end of one. And if you aren’t willing to discuss it with the person directly, you sure as heck shouldn’t broadcast it publicly.
Again, no argument.
And I like that the author points out that saying "no" can have consequences.
10. Don’t compare yourself to others.
Someone is always going to be more “slavey”, be able to take more pain, be more service oriented, be more accomplished, know more, or whatever. Deal with it. You are you and whoever you submit to should like you for YOU not for who they think you should be. If you can’t stand to be who you are and accept it and keep trying to play up to someone’s standards that aren’t yours then you will be miserable.
Word to your mother, yo.
11. Ask questions. Seriously ask people.
If you don’t know about something- ASK. If you want to know about a certain toy or type of play ASK (but not during a scene this is why you negotiate and communicate and talk and discuss it ahead of time). If you want someone to explain protocol to you, ASK. Attend classes, go to workshops, find a mentor, but please, ask questions. “No one ever told me” is a terrible excuse when there are a wealth of people willing to explain things if you’d just ask.
YES!
It frustrates me to no end when people act as if they have any excuse for ignorance when the internet if chock full of people willing to offer GREAT advice via forums, blogs, books, hell there's even BDSM advice on YouTube!
12. Sometimes submission sucks.
It sucks to put everyone else first and see to their needs before your own, but that’s part of the deal. Find a way to make yourself a priority every now and again to feed your own soul, but know that at the end of the day, the dominant is going to come first. It isn’t all rainbows and flowers with floggers and ball gags. There are days you will question your sanity in agreeing to live this way.
Well... Some of us don't put "everybody" first. Our D-types, probably most of the time, but not everybody, not by a long shot.
And, there are quite a few of us who have no desire to do something that's going to suck. Suck is not part of our relationship vocabulary (well, it might be, but not in reference to being miserable), altruism is not our cuppa, and we have no interest in being martyrs.
It's up to you to decide if you can live that way or if you need a partner who's going to make your needs and wants a priority.
13. You don’t have to like something in order to do it.
Sometimes it’s ok to do something you don’t like in order to please someone else, Just be honest about it. If you are taking the cane because you know it makes the dominant happy, be honest about that. It’s ok!
And you don't have to do something you dislike.
It may be a deal breaker for the other person if you don't, and you might have to chalk it up to incompatibility, but it's not a universal prerequisite of submission that you MUST do shit you don't like.
14. Perfection is not required.* You WILL fuck this up numerous times.
You will get yelled at, dressed down, ignored, put aside, punished and possibly even dismissed. You WILL forget something major, something minor or some rule. You will screw this up. Instead of worrying about every little potential mistake, do the best you can with what you have at all times. No one can fault you if you are trying your best. Especially not yourself.
OK, I'm having trouble with this one because some of us do not believe in punishment dynamics. We think "yelling" is counterproductive, ignoring is passive-aggressive BS, and dismissal for screwing up? Seriously? If someone is going to bail because you're not perfect from the get-go, let them. All three of those things (yelling, ignoring, dismissing) are childish, immature, and hallmarks of someone who cannot control themselves, much less a submissive partner.
15. Don’t trust a pretty smile, a big whip, or a big dick.
Just because someone looks the part of a “perfect dominant” doesn’t mean they know what they are doing. Clothes and toys don’t make a dominant effective. Having a whip in the bag doesn’t mean they know how to use it properly. Don’t trust appearances only, there’s always more than just what’s on the surface. There is much more to the book then it’s cover. Always know that!
BOOYAH!
D-types are just people!
Some people are trustworthy, some people are not, and someone giving themselves a title does not change that fact.
16. Don’t play with someone you’ve never seen play unless someone you trust has seen them play.You have no idea what you are getting into and you might be signing on for something that is not comfortable and could be potentially very dangerous to you! There are abusers, serial killers and manipulating people in this world so PLAY SAFE!
In all seriousness, this is a wee bit unrealistic because the majority of kinky folks? We don't play in public. We play at home. So how, exactly, are you going to watch those people play? And if they're private players your friend isn't likely to have seen them go at it... Also: See the "references" thing above.
This isn't rocket science.
If you don't know someone and you don't feel safe playing with them when you don't know them?
Wait until you know them. Problem solved.
Why? Because sometimes it's horrid advice that I'm sharing and I point out why it's horrid, and sometimes it's sound advice that I like to expand on to provide multiple perspectives in one place. This is case of the latter- Pretty decent advice with additional commentary.
1. YOU are in charge of your own safety and happiness.
Although this is a power-exchange type of world, you do not give up your rights as a human being (unless that’s something you have negotiated) and ultimately the choice to remain in an unsafe or miserable situation is your own.
I actually prefer "Authority Exchange" as I feel it's more accurate, but beyond that- Hooray for someone else espousing personal responsibility! It is your job to keep yourself safe- Not mine, or your friend's or the community (whoever they are), or your partner's... YOURS.
Use safe words, use safe calls, call upon friends who you can trust. Consent does matter, but you can always withdraw consent.
Hey, wait... What happened to personal responsibility?
Safe words are great when they work, but they only work when your partner respects them.
And safe calls are just a starting point for the cops to come looking for your body... They don't actually keep you safe.
2. Dominants are not mind readers- in fact they rather suck at it, so be sure that you are stating your needs and your desires clearly.
Do not expect to get what you want or need if you’re not willing to open your mouth and ask for it. Always be willing to open up the line of communication BEFORE play and ASK or DISCUSS it.
Brilliant!
Too bad more folks can't seem to grasp this simple concept (nobody's a mind reader!), there would be a lot more fulfilling, happy relationships.
3. Know what you like.
Nothing is more frustrating than a dominant asking “what are you interested in” and getting a blank stare and an “ummm” in response.
Know what you like and what you don’t like. If you don’t know, figure it out. Attend an event where they do “tasters” of various kinks, contact a dominant you trust to show you things, or just plain ask. You need to know what you like or you are not going to be very happy and content with yourself or your dominant.
Additionally, merely thinking about different activities can help this process along. Do you think about it and squick? Then you might not want to try that activity. Does it sound interesting? Then you can probably move it to the "might want to try" column of your mental list. Then, think about them some more... is this something you would really like to try, or is it something that you'd just be happy fantasizing about?
4. Not every “top” or “dominant” or big letter person is trustworthy.
Just because they carry a big whip and wear a fancy hat doesn’t mean that you can trust them. Get references, listen to others, and trust your instincts. If something feels wrong or like a “red flag” trust yourself. You were given an instinct to protect yourself USE IT.
True that.
But references? One thing to keep in mind is the fact that nobody is going to have you contact a person who will give them a bad reference. Think about it- When you apply to a new job who do you have your prospective employer contact? People who will give you a glowing reference, or folks who will tell your prospective boss that you pick your nose while driving, punt kittens, and have been known to drink out of the milk carton?
5. Don’t top from below.
If you decide you are submissive, be the submissive- don’t try to weasel your way into being the de-facto top or to always get your way. It really does get to be all about the top. If you can’t handle that, maybe you are on the wrong end of the dynamic.
Errr... Actually, it's not always "all about the top."
If your needs are not being met and you're voicing a reasonable concern- That's honest communication. Anybody who tries to shut down honest communication with a TFTB accusation is a weenie.
And some (rare) D-types enjoy some difficulty...
To each their own.
6. Bottoming to someone is not the same as submitting to them forever.
Just because someone plays with you or allows you to serve them doesn’t mean that you belong to them. It might lead to something more, it might not. Don’t be a stalker about it!
That.
I don't know how many times I've seen some New & Excited Baby Seal announce to the world that "her new Dom..." when they're just play partners and there is no D/s dynamic, just sexy fun time T/b play. Don't be that person. It's not attractive. It's like going on one date and referring to the guy as your fiancé... Creepy.
7. If you agree to rules, procedures, responsibilities, etc, do not constantly renegotiate.
Agree to only what you are willing to do and then do that. If you can’t handle the agreement to begin with, don’t agree to it!
To be fair, sometimes renegotiating things often in the begining is good for the relationship to ensure that both or all parties get what they desire because really, few of us get it right, right away. It takes some trial and error.
8. Be honest about who you are.
Are you poly? Monogamous? Bi-sexual? HIV-positive? Got Herpes? Grow a spine and be honest about it. Don’t enter into a relationship trying to be something you are not. You’ll only end up miserable and hurting people. This goes back to knowing yourself and what you want or would like to try.
No argument there.
9. Don’t’ be afraid to say no!
Don’t be afraid to safe word. Don’t be afraid to withdraw consent.
Just don’t expect things to be all happy and wonderful and perfect after you do so. Saying no, safewording and withdrawing consent should be the beginning of a conversation, not the end of one. And if you aren’t willing to discuss it with the person directly, you sure as heck shouldn’t broadcast it publicly.
Again, no argument.
And I like that the author points out that saying "no" can have consequences.
10. Don’t compare yourself to others.
Someone is always going to be more “slavey”, be able to take more pain, be more service oriented, be more accomplished, know more, or whatever. Deal with it. You are you and whoever you submit to should like you for YOU not for who they think you should be. If you can’t stand to be who you are and accept it and keep trying to play up to someone’s standards that aren’t yours then you will be miserable.
Word to your mother, yo.
11. Ask questions. Seriously ask people.
If you don’t know about something- ASK. If you want to know about a certain toy or type of play ASK (but not during a scene this is why you negotiate and communicate and talk and discuss it ahead of time). If you want someone to explain protocol to you, ASK. Attend classes, go to workshops, find a mentor, but please, ask questions. “No one ever told me” is a terrible excuse when there are a wealth of people willing to explain things if you’d just ask.
YES!
It frustrates me to no end when people act as if they have any excuse for ignorance when the internet if chock full of people willing to offer GREAT advice via forums, blogs, books, hell there's even BDSM advice on YouTube!
12. Sometimes submission sucks.
It sucks to put everyone else first and see to their needs before your own, but that’s part of the deal. Find a way to make yourself a priority every now and again to feed your own soul, but know that at the end of the day, the dominant is going to come first. It isn’t all rainbows and flowers with floggers and ball gags. There are days you will question your sanity in agreeing to live this way.
Well... Some of us don't put "everybody" first. Our D-types, probably most of the time, but not everybody, not by a long shot.
And, there are quite a few of us who have no desire to do something that's going to suck. Suck is not part of our relationship vocabulary (well, it might be, but not in reference to being miserable), altruism is not our cuppa, and we have no interest in being martyrs.
It's up to you to decide if you can live that way or if you need a partner who's going to make your needs and wants a priority.
13. You don’t have to like something in order to do it.
Sometimes it’s ok to do something you don’t like in order to please someone else, Just be honest about it. If you are taking the cane because you know it makes the dominant happy, be honest about that. It’s ok!
And you don't have to do something you dislike.
It may be a deal breaker for the other person if you don't, and you might have to chalk it up to incompatibility, but it's not a universal prerequisite of submission that you MUST do shit you don't like.
14. Perfection is not required.* You WILL fuck this up numerous times.
You will get yelled at, dressed down, ignored, put aside, punished and possibly even dismissed. You WILL forget something major, something minor or some rule. You will screw this up. Instead of worrying about every little potential mistake, do the best you can with what you have at all times. No one can fault you if you are trying your best. Especially not yourself.
OK, I'm having trouble with this one because some of us do not believe in punishment dynamics. We think "yelling" is counterproductive, ignoring is passive-aggressive BS, and dismissal for screwing up? Seriously? If someone is going to bail because you're not perfect from the get-go, let them. All three of those things (yelling, ignoring, dismissing) are childish, immature, and hallmarks of someone who cannot control themselves, much less a submissive partner.
15. Don’t trust a pretty smile, a big whip, or a big dick.
Just because someone looks the part of a “perfect dominant” doesn’t mean they know what they are doing. Clothes and toys don’t make a dominant effective. Having a whip in the bag doesn’t mean they know how to use it properly. Don’t trust appearances only, there’s always more than just what’s on the surface. There is much more to the book then it’s cover. Always know that!
BOOYAH!
D-types are just people!
Some people are trustworthy, some people are not, and someone giving themselves a title does not change that fact.
16. Don’t play with someone you’ve never seen play unless someone you trust has seen them play.You have no idea what you are getting into and you might be signing on for something that is not comfortable and could be potentially very dangerous to you! There are abusers, serial killers and manipulating people in this world so PLAY SAFE!
In all seriousness, this is a wee bit unrealistic because the majority of kinky folks? We don't play in public. We play at home. So how, exactly, are you going to watch those people play? And if they're private players your friend isn't likely to have seen them go at it... Also: See the "references" thing above.
This isn't rocket science.
If you don't know someone and you don't feel safe playing with them when you don't know them?
Wait until you know them. Problem solved.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Everything Butt! Ass Play Q&A
See what I did there? I made a pun!
Get it?
Everything butt? And this is an entry about ass play?
Man, I kill myself.
So.
Ass play is a BIG thing in the world of kink.
On any given day it can seem like everybody and their grandma is taking something up the back passage, and everybody else is inserting something into someone's rear door.
First-
There's nothing wrong with having a firm "NO ENTRY" policy for your bum. Just because everybody seems to be doing it doesn't mean that you have to as well, if that's not your cup of tea. I tend to think that kinky play should be fun and enjoyable and that there's not much point in play that is neither of those things for you.
Of course, because it is such a common kink, this might mean that you'll be limiting your dating pool if you limit your ass play, but rest assured- There are D-types out there who couldn't care less about poking you in the brown eye. You'll just have to find that person.
And you can feel free to ignore any weenie who says "If you don't take it up the butt you're not a real (tm) sub!" Or you can tell that person that I think they're a tool. Whatever floats your boat.
Now, that taken care of...
Ass play can be a fun and enjoyable activity for both sexes (obviously, otherwise so many folks wouldn't do it).
In men it can stimulate the prostrate gland and in both sexes it can enhance sexy fun times by stimulating the nerves surrounding the anus (such a sexy word, anus). In women it can also contribute to a feeing of pleasant fullness, especially when paired with a vaginal toy or penis. add some vibrations and good times can be had by all!
If you're a complete novice there are some safety considerations to keep in mind:
Unlike the vagina, the anus and rectum are not naturally lubricating.
Investing in a quality lubricant is a very good idea as it will help prevent harm and can make the experience much more enjoyable for the receiving partner.
There is a size limit.
Also unlike the vagina which are designed to deliver a baby, the anus and rectum only expand so much. There are these nifty bands of muscle, called sphincters (a sphincter says what?), that handily keep poop from plopping out all over the place. Nobody wants to be walking around with poop falling out randomly, or to have no choice but to wear a diaper, so pay attention to any "OMFG! THAT HURTS! STOP!" signals. If those muscles tear, you're in a shit load of trouble. Unless incontinence is your thing, then carry on. Start small and work your way up, if that's what you so desire.
Things can get lost in there.
The vagina has a cervix, this nifty bit of anatomy limits the length of an object one can insert and it also creates a handy stop point- Most things inserted can be retrieved.
You ass does not have a cervix.
Everybody has heard the stories of folks who have to go to the ER and have some lost object fished out because "Oops!"
Using a toy specifically designed for anal use is a really really good idea.
A "good" anal toy will have a the body of the toy, perhaps a smaller "stem," and a flared base that will prevent accidental toy loss. I would suggest something that's at least half an inch wider than the stem area.
It is a VERY BAD idea to go from ass to mouth or ass to vagina!
Some folks do this.
I think they're stark raving mad.
Fecal matter contains a plethora of nasty microorganisms that can cause serious illness, infection, or death. Salmonella Yersinia and E. coli O157 are some of the more commonly known pathogens transmitted via fecal matter.
Sometimes poop is funny, some times it's not.
In a related not- If you want to use anal beads, look for beads that are made in one piece, are coated with non-porous material, or strung on a non-porous "string." Beads threaded on cotton string can harbor bacteria. Plus, they're impossible to get clean and end up looking pretty funky.
Safety covered (ish, there might be more I'm forgetting. Feel free to point out stuff I've over-looked and I'll edit this post), what concerns do novices generally have?
POOP!
Yep. Your delicate pink bud (according to certain romance writers) contains some icky brown shit. You have two options to deal with this unsightly mess- You can deal with it or you can administer an enema or two to "clean" things out.
Most folks interested in anal sex or ass play recognize that shit happens and it's not a big deal. You do your thing, wash yourself or your toys (or both) off, and it's just something you sort of ignore.
Other folks who are might be a bit more fastidious about the contents of their rectum choose to use an enema. Personally, I've never used one so I can't describe them- But they're readily available at pretty much any pharmacy, so plenty of other folks must have. I do hear that you should avoid medicated enemas and use plain warm water. I guess that some of the medicated ones can relax the second sphincter and make a mess of the area you just cleaned.
Does it hurt?
Ideally, no.
It can vary from uncomfortable or unpleasant to being the best thing ever, depending.
It really does help to cut down on discomfort if you relax (while you're sitting there, where ever you are, clench your bum hole and then push slightly- That's the relaxed feeling you want), and use a good lube. Most anything will work, though silicone is slower to absorb and you want to avoid anything that claims to have a numbing effect- You need to be able to tell if it hurts bad enough to stop. Being numb increases your risk for injury.
It can also help if your partner follows your lead for as long as it takes you to become comfortable.
I've heard it's amazing... Is it?
Honestly, I'd rather make a nice, satisfying poop than have anal sex. It's never done much of anything for me. Some people say it's better than pie, some people feel the way I do, some are "meh" about it... How it feels really depends on you, and if it doesn't feel good? There's nothing wrong with you.
But! It can help your enjoyment of the experience if you find it lack-luster if your partner stimulates other erogenous zones, like your nipples, clit, or g-spot.
I do however like anal toys... But that's probably because they're not the main event so to speak, more a side show attraction.
What needs lube?
Everything.
Seriously.
Put some lube on your anus.
Put some on a finger and use that to lubricate your sphincter (added bonus: this can also relax the muscle a bit).
Lube up your toys and lube up your partner.
You can never have too much lube.
Helpful Hint: If you're concerned about all this lube getting on your bedding/furniture/what-not, lay down a towel.
Do I need a condom?
While it's next to impossible to get pregnant from anal sex, it is possible to transmit STIs. If you are concerned with STIs, are not "fluid bonded" to your partner, or have multiple partners, condoms are a better safe than sorry thing to keep on hand.
Also, if the toys you're using are not your own, consider using a condom with them unless you can be certain of their cleanliness.
*Some lubricants are not safe to use with some condoms. Check the box for instructions!
What about after...
Well, you're probably going to feel the need to use the bathroom.
If you do, this is pretty normal and nothing to worry about.
Some cramping is also normal as is a little blood on your stool or TP (you might want to be a little more careful next time, use more lube, or a smaller toy).
Baby wipes are handy to have around for quick clean-up.
You also might need some time to rest between ass play sessions- This is OK. You can set the pace here, unless you've negotiated otherwise (I would wait on negotiating otherwise until you know how you will react to ass play).
What about "training"?
Well, some folks swear by it, that by gradually increasing the size of the toy they put up their bottoms they can eventually accommodate larger objects (helpful for a well-endowed partner)... And if you want to go this route, more power to you and it may help some. I personally think that this would be a situation where slow and steady would be the way to go.
But- It is never going to permanently "loosen" your sphincter muscle, which is something you probably don't want happening (remember that plopping poop from earlier?). If it hurts- Stop.
What if I'm done playing with a toy? What then?
Some folks like to have their partner remove the toy, some prefer to do it themselves. Personally, I'm a Do-It-Yourselfer. I like the privacy the bathroom affords and I can push the toy out on my own while gently (GENTLY!) pulling.
If you prefer to have your partner's help, feel free to remind them of the gentle part of the toy removal. It can hurt to remove a toy too fast (unless that is also your thing, then have at!).
When the toy is out, wash with soap and hot water, dry, and then return it to the toy box- Or bag.
And I think that's it. Or at least what I can recall at the moment.
Get it?
Everything butt? And this is an entry about ass play?
Man, I kill myself.
So.
Ass play is a BIG thing in the world of kink.
On any given day it can seem like everybody and their grandma is taking something up the back passage, and everybody else is inserting something into someone's rear door.
First-
There's nothing wrong with having a firm "NO ENTRY" policy for your bum. Just because everybody seems to be doing it doesn't mean that you have to as well, if that's not your cup of tea. I tend to think that kinky play should be fun and enjoyable and that there's not much point in play that is neither of those things for you.
Of course, because it is such a common kink, this might mean that you'll be limiting your dating pool if you limit your ass play, but rest assured- There are D-types out there who couldn't care less about poking you in the brown eye. You'll just have to find that person.
And you can feel free to ignore any weenie who says "If you don't take it up the butt you're not a real (tm) sub!" Or you can tell that person that I think they're a tool. Whatever floats your boat.
Now, that taken care of...
Ass play can be a fun and enjoyable activity for both sexes (obviously, otherwise so many folks wouldn't do it).
In men it can stimulate the prostrate gland and in both sexes it can enhance sexy fun times by stimulating the nerves surrounding the anus (such a sexy word, anus). In women it can also contribute to a feeing of pleasant fullness, especially when paired with a vaginal toy or penis. add some vibrations and good times can be had by all!
If you're a complete novice there are some safety considerations to keep in mind:
Unlike the vagina, the anus and rectum are not naturally lubricating.
Investing in a quality lubricant is a very good idea as it will help prevent harm and can make the experience much more enjoyable for the receiving partner.
There is a size limit.
Also unlike the vagina which are designed to deliver a baby, the anus and rectum only expand so much. There are these nifty bands of muscle, called sphincters (a sphincter says what?), that handily keep poop from plopping out all over the place. Nobody wants to be walking around with poop falling out randomly, or to have no choice but to wear a diaper, so pay attention to any "OMFG! THAT HURTS! STOP!" signals. If those muscles tear, you're in a shit load of trouble. Unless incontinence is your thing, then carry on. Start small and work your way up, if that's what you so desire.
Things can get lost in there.
The vagina has a cervix, this nifty bit of anatomy limits the length of an object one can insert and it also creates a handy stop point- Most things inserted can be retrieved.
You ass does not have a cervix.
Everybody has heard the stories of folks who have to go to the ER and have some lost object fished out because "Oops!"
Using a toy specifically designed for anal use is a really really good idea.
A "good" anal toy will have a the body of the toy, perhaps a smaller "stem," and a flared base that will prevent accidental toy loss. I would suggest something that's at least half an inch wider than the stem area.
It is a VERY BAD idea to go from ass to mouth or ass to vagina!
Some folks do this.
I think they're stark raving mad.
Fecal matter contains a plethora of nasty microorganisms that can cause serious illness, infection, or death. Salmonella Yersinia and E. coli O157 are some of the more commonly known pathogens transmitted via fecal matter.
Sometimes poop is funny, some times it's not.
In a related not- If you want to use anal beads, look for beads that are made in one piece, are coated with non-porous material, or strung on a non-porous "string." Beads threaded on cotton string can harbor bacteria. Plus, they're impossible to get clean and end up looking pretty funky.
Safety covered (ish, there might be more I'm forgetting. Feel free to point out stuff I've over-looked and I'll edit this post), what concerns do novices generally have?
POOP!
Yep. Your delicate pink bud (according to certain romance writers) contains some icky brown shit. You have two options to deal with this unsightly mess- You can deal with it or you can administer an enema or two to "clean" things out.
Most folks interested in anal sex or ass play recognize that shit happens and it's not a big deal. You do your thing, wash yourself or your toys (or both) off, and it's just something you sort of ignore.
Other folks who are might be a bit more fastidious about the contents of their rectum choose to use an enema. Personally, I've never used one so I can't describe them- But they're readily available at pretty much any pharmacy, so plenty of other folks must have. I do hear that you should avoid medicated enemas and use plain warm water. I guess that some of the medicated ones can relax the second sphincter and make a mess of the area you just cleaned.
Does it hurt?
Ideally, no.
It can vary from uncomfortable or unpleasant to being the best thing ever, depending.
It really does help to cut down on discomfort if you relax (while you're sitting there, where ever you are, clench your bum hole and then push slightly- That's the relaxed feeling you want), and use a good lube. Most anything will work, though silicone is slower to absorb and you want to avoid anything that claims to have a numbing effect- You need to be able to tell if it hurts bad enough to stop. Being numb increases your risk for injury.
It can also help if your partner follows your lead for as long as it takes you to become comfortable.
I've heard it's amazing... Is it?
Honestly, I'd rather make a nice, satisfying poop than have anal sex. It's never done much of anything for me. Some people say it's better than pie, some people feel the way I do, some are "meh" about it... How it feels really depends on you, and if it doesn't feel good? There's nothing wrong with you.
But! It can help your enjoyment of the experience if you find it lack-luster if your partner stimulates other erogenous zones, like your nipples, clit, or g-spot.
I do however like anal toys... But that's probably because they're not the main event so to speak, more a side show attraction.
What needs lube?
Everything.
Seriously.
Put some lube on your anus.
Put some on a finger and use that to lubricate your sphincter (added bonus: this can also relax the muscle a bit).
Lube up your toys and lube up your partner.
You can never have too much lube.
Helpful Hint: If you're concerned about all this lube getting on your bedding/furniture/what-not, lay down a towel.
Do I need a condom?
While it's next to impossible to get pregnant from anal sex, it is possible to transmit STIs. If you are concerned with STIs, are not "fluid bonded" to your partner, or have multiple partners, condoms are a better safe than sorry thing to keep on hand.
Also, if the toys you're using are not your own, consider using a condom with them unless you can be certain of their cleanliness.
*Some lubricants are not safe to use with some condoms. Check the box for instructions!
What about after...
Well, you're probably going to feel the need to use the bathroom.
If you do, this is pretty normal and nothing to worry about.
Some cramping is also normal as is a little blood on your stool or TP (you might want to be a little more careful next time, use more lube, or a smaller toy).
Baby wipes are handy to have around for quick clean-up.
You also might need some time to rest between ass play sessions- This is OK. You can set the pace here, unless you've negotiated otherwise (I would wait on negotiating otherwise until you know how you will react to ass play).
What about "training"?
Well, some folks swear by it, that by gradually increasing the size of the toy they put up their bottoms they can eventually accommodate larger objects (helpful for a well-endowed partner)... And if you want to go this route, more power to you and it may help some. I personally think that this would be a situation where slow and steady would be the way to go.
But- It is never going to permanently "loosen" your sphincter muscle, which is something you probably don't want happening (remember that plopping poop from earlier?). If it hurts- Stop.
What if I'm done playing with a toy? What then?
Some folks like to have their partner remove the toy, some prefer to do it themselves. Personally, I'm a Do-It-Yourselfer. I like the privacy the bathroom affords and I can push the toy out on my own while gently (GENTLY!) pulling.
If you prefer to have your partner's help, feel free to remind them of the gentle part of the toy removal. It can hurt to remove a toy too fast (unless that is also your thing, then have at!).
When the toy is out, wash with soap and hot water, dry, and then return it to the toy box- Or bag.
And I think that's it. Or at least what I can recall at the moment.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
What If "Owned" Rubs Me The Wrong Way?
Fair warning, this is pretty much writing itself as it goes. It's going somewhere, but I don't know where. Guess I'll find out when it gets there.
I was reminded today of this weird conundrum I've got, and I figured that I couldn't be the only submissive person on the face of the planet with the same issue, so I'd write about it.
And yeah, it's probably weird (maybe not on the level of Freakishly Weird, but considering how many s-types seem to squee and get all warm-and-fuzzy at the mere thought of being able to apply this particular designation to themselves, it's pretty strange)...
You see, I've got a problem with the "Owned" designation for not-single submissives.
It just rubs me the wrong way.
And it annoys me that it rubs me the wrong way. I mean, I'm supposed to be submissive right? This sort of thing should be pinging my little submissive radar and making my skivvies moist. I should be going into paroxysms of joy at the mere thought of referring to myself as Cookie's Owned Submissive... But I don't.
I get all bristly and bothered and grumpy about it. Really, I can feel frown lines forming just thinking about it. I'm having to rub the spot between my eyebrows to keep the lines from sticking (I'm getting old. This frowning business is serious stuff for my face).
So... Why?
It's just a word, right? It's just a way to let folks know that you're not-single... But married kinda does that. And monogamous implies it as well. And blah blah blah, I just cannot stand that word.
Maybe it's because I'm a pretty literal person. Owned implies stuff I'd rather not think about- Real slavery, the days when women were chattel, a non-consensual imbalance of equality in a relationship... Nothing that makes me feel all squishy inside, like a warm Danish. Stuff that makes me feel icky.
Plus, the fact that it's not actually possible to own another human being in this country kinda makes the label seem rather pointless. Like, "Yeah, suuuuuure... You own that person. Uh-huh."
Maybe it's because, despite our unequal amounts of authority in the relationship, as a person I am his equal. My worth is just as great as his. And if I'm his... Well, he's mine as well. We belong to each other, we have an equal claim on each other, and both of us are equally capable of walking away if the relationship stops fulfilling our wants and/or needs. In my head, "owned" makes it all seem rather one sided, as if he would be the only person in the relationship with worth, like I wouldn't have any claim on him... I would be his but he wouldn't be mine.
And that's it. That last line there is what bothers me the most. Because he is mine, an idea that seems to be super frowned-upon in the D/s world. I couldn't belong to somebody who didn't belong to me. I couldn't invest in someone who wasn't equally invested in me... So to hell with you, "Owned." I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine, and that doesn't make me any less submissive than the chick who squees all over every forum in the Kinkyverse about how proud she is to be owned. It doesn't make Cookie any less Domly than a guy who's got "Owner of" plastered on his profile.
Or maybe it does and we're both going to get kicked out of the club.
Oh well. We'll just start our own club then, I guess. Difficult Untrue Submissives Who Belong To The Domlies Who Are Proud To Belong To Them... Or something.
Shit. Sounds like cat people, doesn't it?
I was reminded today of this weird conundrum I've got, and I figured that I couldn't be the only submissive person on the face of the planet with the same issue, so I'd write about it.
And yeah, it's probably weird (maybe not on the level of Freakishly Weird, but considering how many s-types seem to squee and get all warm-and-fuzzy at the mere thought of being able to apply this particular designation to themselves, it's pretty strange)...
You see, I've got a problem with the "Owned" designation for not-single submissives.
It just rubs me the wrong way.
And it annoys me that it rubs me the wrong way. I mean, I'm supposed to be submissive right? This sort of thing should be pinging my little submissive radar and making my skivvies moist. I should be going into paroxysms of joy at the mere thought of referring to myself as Cookie's Owned Submissive... But I don't.
I get all bristly and bothered and grumpy about it. Really, I can feel frown lines forming just thinking about it. I'm having to rub the spot between my eyebrows to keep the lines from sticking (I'm getting old. This frowning business is serious stuff for my face).
So... Why?
It's just a word, right? It's just a way to let folks know that you're not-single... But married kinda does that. And monogamous implies it as well. And blah blah blah, I just cannot stand that word.
Maybe it's because I'm a pretty literal person. Owned implies stuff I'd rather not think about- Real slavery, the days when women were chattel, a non-consensual imbalance of equality in a relationship... Nothing that makes me feel all squishy inside, like a warm Danish. Stuff that makes me feel icky.
Plus, the fact that it's not actually possible to own another human being in this country kinda makes the label seem rather pointless. Like, "Yeah, suuuuuure... You own that person. Uh-huh."
Maybe it's because, despite our unequal amounts of authority in the relationship, as a person I am his equal. My worth is just as great as his. And if I'm his... Well, he's mine as well. We belong to each other, we have an equal claim on each other, and both of us are equally capable of walking away if the relationship stops fulfilling our wants and/or needs. In my head, "owned" makes it all seem rather one sided, as if he would be the only person in the relationship with worth, like I wouldn't have any claim on him... I would be his but he wouldn't be mine.
And that's it. That last line there is what bothers me the most. Because he is mine, an idea that seems to be super frowned-upon in the D/s world. I couldn't belong to somebody who didn't belong to me. I couldn't invest in someone who wasn't equally invested in me... So to hell with you, "Owned." I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine, and that doesn't make me any less submissive than the chick who squees all over every forum in the Kinkyverse about how proud she is to be owned. It doesn't make Cookie any less Domly than a guy who's got "Owner of" plastered on his profile.
Or maybe it does and we're both going to get kicked out of the club.
Oh well. We'll just start our own club then, I guess. Difficult Untrue Submissives Who Belong To The Domlies Who Are Proud To Belong To Them... Or something.
Shit. Sounds like cat people, doesn't it?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)