He's so Vanilla!

Most of us are not born knowing that we're submissives.

In fact, a great many of us won't have figured it out until well after our births when something clicks and we get that "Eureka!" moment.

Some of us get lucky and we figure it out sooner rather than later, but there are pretty good odds that when we figure out that "submissive" is the role we want to take in our relationship we're already going to be involved in a vanilla relationship with a vanilla guy.

That can really suck. A lot.

I mean, here's this guy who's pretty awesome (You're with him so hopefully he's pretty awesome), you might love him or have very strong feelings for him. You've probably invested quite a bit of time into the relationship, you might have even married the guy... But then lightning strikes and you realize that as great as Mr. Vanilla might be, you'd really like a Dominant in your life, but you'd like to keep Mr. Vanilla too (what with him being awesome and all).

So what can you do?

You could run off to the nearest kinky website and get yourself an online "Master" on the side ASAP.
Not a recommended course of action because as the saying goes, "If he's willing to cheat with you, he's willing to cheat on you."

You could start leaving hints and hoping your guy picks up on them.
He won't. Hints and men generally don't mix well. They're like oil and water. The hints will bounce off him and he will remain clueless.

You can scour the internet for people who have faced your same dilemma and read what they've done in your situation.
This one is a winner, although you may not like some of the answers because not every vanilla + s relationship has a happy ending.

What those women will tell you is that they eventually had to talk to their vanilla partner about their relationship desires. They'll tell you that the talk was probably pretty difficult and uncomfortable, but there is a lot to learn from how they had their talk-

Unless he's already a closet kinkster, you'll want to take it slow and not over whelm him. Old dogs can learn new tricks, but they're not going to be able to learn 50 new tricks in one sitting. The same logic applies to your guy- Pick out the most important element of your desires and present it in a simple way that he can easily understand.

If you'd like him to lead more you could present it as a 50's style head of household arrangement, like what he may have seen in Leave It To Beaver. There's nothing threatening about Ward and June, in fact they seemed pretty happy together as Ward led and June doted on him- And honestly, who doesn't like being doted upon?

Want your sex to be a bit rougher? Asking him right off the bat to spank dat ass and call you a dirty hussy might turn him off, but a tickle fight or playful wrestling match (naked, of course) could possibly be a very fun introduction to the less-gentle side of sex.

Is bondage what gets your motor humming? You might be ready for the industrial strength locking leather cuffs you peeped on Sinvention's site, but he'll likely be less threatened by neoprene cuffs from Lover's Lane or a silk scarf you snag from the clearance bin at TJ Maxx.

If you're not ready for The Big Talk you can always sound the waters (but fair warning, it might not get you anywhere fast) by renting the silly Exit To Eden or off-kilter The Secretary to gauge his response or point out things that might be fun to try (Not the saddle! Not for his first time!). Or, to keep things feeling more playful, you could gamble for forfeits with pretty much any game- If he beats you at Clue! perhaps he gets to spend the day playing Lord of The Manor, if you win... Well, I suppose then you get to pick.

Wink-wink, nudge-nudge.

But the key (I think) is to keep things light at first and fun. If it's fun he's more likely to enjoy himself and if he enjoys himself he might be willing to try more things. And more things. And hopefully even more things...

And don't forget to talk to him. Ask him how he feels- Did he enjoy what you guys tried? What was his experience? How could you both make it better next time?. If he goes out of his comfort zone and tries make sure you let him know how much you appreciate him trying, and how much you enjoyed whatever he was willing to give a shot.

It's not easy getting that vanilla guy to go kink-flavored, but it might be possible with a lot of patience on your part and some willingness to explore on his. I wish you good luck- Both of you).

BDSM Safety: "Breaking"

Usually I just allude to the things I've seen that trigger an urge to write, probably because the trigger isn't as important to me as the topic is. Yesterday though, I saw this post in a forum and it got me thinking:

"So Daddy and I are also a Master/slave relationship as well. The issue is that I have a VERY dominant (not sexually) personality. If I want something I will push and push and push until I get it. Likewise, if I don’t want to do something, I won’t. I’ll get almost MAD if I’m pushed to do it. Being lazy doesn’t help this either. BUT I’m really weird.. I want someone to not give up. Someone to not get discouraged when I get pissy when forced to do something. I want to be broken into a real slave. I know that that probably doesn’t make any sense.. Is it even possible?"

Part of me understands the desire to be "broken" and why it's such a common theme for new submissives- Being broken removes responsibility. If you're broken you don't have to make yourself submit, you don't have to face your own insecurities, hang-ups, or other vanilla baggage... Someone else will do that for you. They'll make you submit to them.

And it's a rather hawt theme for stories as well, this "breaking" of a submissive: Some strong-willed chick meets a Domly Dom, he does deliciously horrible things to her, and eventually she submits to his will. The they ride off happily ever after into a perfect D/s sunset.

But what I often wonder when this theme comes up in real life is this- Do the people who express this desire actually think about what it would take to break them?

Think about it.

What would it take to break you?

I'm betting that it would take a bit more than some sexy, fun play to get you to do something you really didn't want to do. I'm willing to lay good odds that in order to break you someone would have to set up a prolonged and extremely unpleasant course of action. They'd probably have to beat you bloody, break some bones, and do the sort of harm most sane people would not consent to. They'd probably have to systematically destroy your spirit over time by continually tearing you down until the person you were no longer exists.

This "breaking" would look a lot less like a playful interrogation scene between two consenting adults than it would look like the torture employed against US soldiers by the North Vietnamese. Less 50 Shades Red Room of Pain and more Hoa Lo Prison.

It is entirely possible for someone to make a person want to submit to their authority, but the route to get there? Is that really something you want to experience? Is that really something you need to experience before you'll allow yourself to submit to your own desires?

And if it is, what then? What happens when the relationship ends and you're incapable of returning to the person you once were? Broken people often have a terrible time picking up the pieces and putting them back together. Any survivor of prolonged domestic abuse can attest to that. Who's going to put you back together after you've been "broken"?

Being broken is possible, it's not unheard of, and there are predators out there who would probably gladly remove your ability to consent to turn you into the mindless fucktoy they've always dreamed of... Is that what you really want when you say to all and sundry, "Break me"?

Or would you rather have a partner who can provide you with the environment or play you need to "let go"?

Would you rather have a dynamic where a little bit of struggle before you give in is part of your play?

Would you rather have a partner who adores the strong-willed person you are and inspires you to submit to them?

Instead of being broken, why not just give yourself permission to be the person you want to be? It seems much healthier and a lot safer to take responsibility for your needs than to rely on someone else to do whatever it takes to make you submit.

"Molding" a submissive (is all change good?)

There's a common theme in the way Dominants seem to be expected to interact with their submissive- That they're supposed to "mold" the submissive partner in some way, as if the submissive is some unformed being that requires shaping to be a complete person.

And while I get that everybody has their kinks, and some folks might like this putty-like submissive idea... It has bothered me on some level for quite a while.

It wasn't until I read another submissive's blog about why change wasn't good or healthy for her that I put my finger on it: When the "molding" thing is talked about it's not often done in a way that will help the submissive be a better person for themselves, but in a way that will make them a better partner for the Dominant despite what the submissive may want for herself or her life.

To me this notion that submissives are like a lump of play-dough, inanimate objects with no wants of their own who are just waiting for the Perfect Domly to come along and mold them into a shape he finds pleasing... It's insulting.

A guy wouldn't go out on a date with a vanilla girl and think, "You know, she's just not right for me. I don't like her body type, her hair style, her religious beliefs or her politics... But I guess I can get into a relationship with her and change all of that- Mold her into the perfect girlfriend."

But that happens with submissive women all too often. You hear about the requests that their Dominant partners make-
"I'd be happier/more attracted to you if you lost/gained weight for me."
"Your boobs are too small for me, I think you should get breast implants."
"I'm more attracted to blondes so you should change your hair color."
"I'm a republican... You should be one too."
"You dress too modestly, from now on you should shop at Street Walkers R Us."

And you wonder, "Geez... If he was that unhappy with the person she is- Why the hell did he get involved with her in the first place?"

I wonder where this notion comes from that submissive women are not complete people unto themselves, that we're just in some sort of weird stasis waiting for a Dominant to come along and tell us who we should be, what we should want, how we should look, and how we should think- And not only are we waiting for that, but we WANT it as well. We all welcome any change a Dominant might suggest that would make us into his perfect play-toy or partner...

It certainly doesn't come from anything reality-based. I don't think there's a human being alive who hasn't heard the old adage, "You can't change someone unless they want to change." Or who hasn't recognized a similar truth after failing to alter a potential mate in some way- People only change if they want to, they seldom (if ever) make a permanent change because you want them to.

Heck, attempting to change a partner is even a well-known relationship killer in Vanilla Land. You don't become involved with someone hoping that they'll stop being who they are and start being who you want them to be- It didn't work in high school and it doesn't work with adult relationships...

...Except in the Kinkyverse.

Supposedly.

Meh. I know that some people are looking for someone else to help them be the person they want to be- That they're open to being molded by a Dominant partner. It's their kink and they really enjoy that idea.

But most of the submissive women I've spoken to are not cool with that idea. They want a partner who enjoys the person they are, and the idea that their partner doesn't actually like who they are and that he wants them to change is a big turn-off. They think that if the partner wanted something different, then he should have looked for someone who met his needs to begin with; not choosing them with the intention of altering who they are some time down the road.

Long post short- "molding" submissives is more often than not the stuff of bad erotica.
If you want to be able to mold someone, then find a submissive who shares that kink and consents to it.
If you're a submissive who doesn't want to be molded- Then don't change yourself. Change your partner. Somewhere out there, there's a Dominant who will appreciate the person you are and who will think you're perfect as is.

Puppy Doe and the effects of BSL

I'm rather torn about including this topic on my blog- I'm a kink blogger. I write about issues that submissive women face in their lives and relationships... Politics and pets really don't have a place here... Or do they?

Three years ago Cookie and I went to our local Shelter and adopted a puppy. This is her:

Her name was Dalek.
And like most shelter pets, her past and parentage was unknown to us. As she grew it became apparent that our puppy was part Pit Bull- A breed with a nasty reputation. When we finally had to register her with our apartment complex we lied through our teeth and used her coloring to claim that she was a Boxer mix (also a large breed with plenty of teeth, but one that doesn't have the stigma Pit's do). Our apartment complex had a policy that banned Pit Bull dogs because of how "vicious" they are.

The problem with that stereotype? It's just not true. Dalek spent the better part of her days pinned under my eldest twin being "cuddled" (he loved her so much). She was constantly being tugged on, jumped on, petted, poked, and loved in a way that seems specific to very small children- A not very gentle sort of love. Dalek, of the vicious heritage, was actually better with the kids than her puppy-brother Skip who was a Labrador mix (one of the family friendliest dogs available).

She never once growled, showed her teeth, or made any aggressive move towards him or anybody else who wanted to be her friend. Even her stuffed toys suffered no more than a severe licking and cuddling- Dalek was a dog made for loving.

So maybe this is why the story of Puppy Doe feels so close to home- Like Kiya's owner I also had to make a choice because of my dog's breed. Someone complained about our Pit Bull and the apartment complex sent us a letter. I tried to talk to my apartment managers, I let them meet my dog and showed them how gentle she was with my kids. I told them that my dog was never off leash and never out of control... It didn't matter though, policy is policy.

We had a month to move or re-home Dalek.

Like most people, we couldn't just pack up and go so we tried to re-home her. We called all of our friends and family, but nobody could take her. We contacted every rescue in the area, but because so many other people were trying to find homes for their pets because of the economy, they couldn't help us. I asked my ex co-workers at Animal Control if they could keep her on indefinitely if we paid for her food and lodging, but they had policy too and couldn't help beyond offing us contacts we'd already tried. We asked veterinary clinics for help, asked our friends and family again... But in the end we were left with two choices-

Craigslist or euthanasia.

The day after this picture was taken I took my puppy to her veterinarian and I had to explain why a healthy, sweet, gentle, loving, and much-loved pet needed to be put to sleep. I held her until she was gone, and I had the hardest time letting her go. The vet techs tried to console me, they told me that I wasn't the only person who had chosen a kind death over an uncertain fate for a beloved pet. They told me a story about a man who had given his lab to what he thought was a loving family, only to have a rescue call him months later because they'd found his microchipped dog being used as a bait dog in a fighting ring.

They told me that I did the right thing, but I didn't believe them. Somehow I should have been able to do more, I should have been able to save her.

So when I read the Story of Puppy Doe and her journey from being a well-loved pet to the pain and suffering she had to endure until she felt a kind hand again and found mercy... I think about how her person must have felt being forced to give her up and how she must have felt learning about her Kiya's sad end.

I think about Dalek.

And I think about a policy that has absolutely no effect on public safety and forces people to chose between an uncertain fate or the certainty of death for a pet who has done no wrong, except to have been born the wrong breed. I think about predators who prey on desperate people who are just trying to do the right thing by finding their pet what they suspect will be a good home, only to take that pet and abuse it.

I think about Holly, the adult dog we adopted last year, and I wonder when someone is going to look at our newest family member and cry wolf.

Breed Specific Legislation is pointless.
The only thing it accomplishes is punishing good dogs and their owners for a false perception of what constitutes a dangerous dog.
It forces people to choose between an end they are sure of or an uncertain future for a pet who is, for most people, part of their family.
It takes a loving animal and turn it into an outlaw.

BSL need to go.

But until that happens, if you can take in a pet in need for a friend or family member- Please do it. Do it for Kiya who met such an awful end, do it for Dalek who would still be alive if only one person had said, "I can save her."
Do it, because yesterday it was our dogs- Tomorrow it might be yours, and you'd want someone to save your dog if they could.

How To Train Your Dominant

Much like your average submissive, even the "natural" ones, Dominants are not born knowing everything there possibly is to know about the Kinkyverse. Just like submissives Dominants also get to experience the joy of the learning curve where it's entirely possible that they'll feel Clueless, then slightly clued-in, then confused, probably another bout of clueless mixed with confision, and then finally (at some point) they'll "get it" and everything will click for them.

Until that happens one of three things will occur:
1. They'll stay single while they sort their shit out.
2. They'll find someone just as clueless as they are to bumble along with.
3. They'll find a more experienced submissive who may already have a clue.

This post is for Option Three Dom's submissive partner because for reasons I cannot grasp there is an awful lot of angst about more experienced submissives showing their newbie Doms the ropes- Bad pun intended.

Not so much from the Doms in question- I've actually yet to see a newbie Dom wander into a forum and angst over his submissive partner showing him the lay of the land. Most of the angst comes from the submissives because there seems to be this notion that sharing knowledge somehow equates to being in charge of the relationship in their minds.

To me that's about as silly as saying "I'm Domming my best friend when I show her how to make tasty Oreo Balls!" Because, you know, I'm not domming her. At all. I'm just sharing a skill she doesn't know yet.

It's the same thing if you're helping your Dominant learn about BDSM- You're not domming him, you're sharing a skill he doesn't have yet. In fact, you might even go so far as to say that you're providing a valuable service by helping him out... And everybody knows that service is one of the subly virtues.

Of course part of this might depend on your method of imparting your wisdom...

"You know Dear (or insert your favorite term of endearment/title here), I know you wanted to learn more about rope-work. I heard that The Knotty Boys' books are very helpful. Perhaps I could pick one up for you the next time I'm at the books store?"

Helpful, pleasant, a suggestion- Not an order... Paying attention to his interests? Seems pretty submissive-friendly to me.

Now if you went for this approach:

"What!? You mean you don't even know how to tie a double-hitch-clover-backwards-monkey paw-knot? Are you inept!? Geez! Put your hands behind your back so I can show you, you lack-brained peon..." with a heavy sigh, lots of eye rolling, and mutterings about how your last Dom wasn't such a failure at Domliness?

Yeah. That might not go over so well (though I do know a few submissives that would work well on).

There's a difference between being their super-awesome submissive who will happily help them out and being an evil harpy who will give them nightmares for the rest of their life. A little tact, a little consideration, and you too can help your Dominant learn without feeling like you're training your Dominant.

Is It Possible To Learn From Fiction?

Last year, after the sudden popularity of Those Damn Books, there was a massive influx of new people in the Kinkyverse. There was also a massive influx of blogs and threads about Those Damn Books, which is why I'm not going to discuss, much less mention them here. I bet you all can guess what books I'm talking about (and if you can't perhaps you should count yourself lucky).

Now that the dust has settled a bit, some folks are taking a look at the first BDSM related books to go main-stream and asking if this new genre offers people the possibility of a positive learning experience.

We all know that it's possible to learn things from books, even fictional books, if they're well researched and written. I knew next to nothing about Scottish history and Culloden until I read Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series (which I highly recommend, BTW. They're awesome books). I picked up bits of herb-lore, the American Colonies history, uses for bat guano, and why killing a bear with a hunting knife isn't the best idea.

A good book can be a valuable tool for learning more about the world, but if I had to guess I'd guess that most people don't pick up a fictional book expecting it to be a learning tool. It's fiction after-all, if you want to learn something you pick up a text book or turn to the dubious facts on Wikipedia (especially if you think that an interesting tidbit in that great fictional book you're reading might not be entirely accurate).

So these new, main-stream BDSM books, what can be learned from them?

I suppose they're a decent place to gain exposure to new and kinky kinds of play and what that play can feel like, to read about a thing and think, "Gee, that sounds like fun" or "OMG! EWWWW! I would never!"

Maybe they're a decent introduction to the topic of BDSM dynamics. They can give folks a glimpse into what it's like to be Dominant and submissive, Master and slave, Top and bottom.

But learning about the wide, wonderful world of BDSM? No. Books may be the key that opens the door, but they're not and they shouldn't be the only resource a person depends on for knowledge. For some reason though, that's what happens: A baby seal finds those books and decides that they're the be-all, end-all for BDSM information. Fiction becomes fact and baby seals become bait for killer whales.

It's something that boggles my mind. Your average person would not pick up a romance novel based in 19th century England and expect that to offer a comprehensive or accurate view of 19th century England. So why are these books taken as the Gospel Truth about All Things Kinky?

Mind.
Boggled.

Anyways- To answer the question (if only for myself) it is possible to learn some things about BDSM from the new main-stream kinky fiction books, but it's a serious mistake to think you can learn it all, or even learn entirely accurate information from books that are written by vanilla people for their titillation value. Trying to do any serious learning from a work of fiction is a really great way to wind up harmed in some way.

So if you want to learn something from a book try one of these:

The Path of Service, Guideposts for Excellence by Christina 'slavette' Parker.
The Loving Dominant - by John Warren
S&M 101- by Jay Wiseman
Safe, Sane, Consensual and Fun - by John Warren
Screw The Roses, Send Me the Thorns - by Phillip Miller / Molly Devon

Does This Outfit Make Me Look Submissive?

Some sweet young thing meandered her way into a group I visit earlier this week and asked, "What are submissive clothes?"

I felt my eyebrow hoist itself upwards towards my hairline and thought, "Clothes that don't struggle when you try to put them in the hamper?" before wandering off to read another topic.

It wasn't until later that I thought a bit more about the question and about what the girl who wrote it was trying to express.

Was she asking if there is some sort of Submissive Uniform- A type of outfit that all submissives wear that will easily identify them as a submissive?

Was she wondering what outfits individual submissives might wear to help themselves into a submissive mindset or to set the scene for a specific type of play?

Was she asking if certain events had dress codes that needed to be followed?

Was there something else her rather vague question was trying to express?

I don't know, but seeing that the topic of clothing comes up fairly often amongst new submissives I thought it might be worth taking a shot at here.

There's an old adage that states, "The clothes make the man" and to some extent it's true- If you want people to see you in a specific light there's no easier way to do that then with the clothes you wear; Put a man in a spiffy suit, no matter what his occupation, and most people will see that suit and think "power." Put him in grubby, worn-out jeans and a tee and people will not think so highly of him. Put him in a Hawaiian shirt and they'll think "Jimmy Buffet."

Clothes express parts of ourselves that we want others to see, so it's not surprising that new submissives often ask what types of clothing will help express their submissive identity. The problem with that though, is this: Much like no two women will dress alike to express their personalities, no two submissives will agree on what outfit makes them feel or expresses their submissive side the best. Heck, some submissives don't even depend on clothes to set the mood.

And you can further complicate that with their Dominant's preferences regarding their mode of dress: No two Dominants are going to agree on what outfit (or lack there-of) constitutes the perfect Submissive "look."

For me? Clothes don't really matter to my submission beyond what they do for my Dominant. And my Dominant? He doesn't really care what I wear so long as it doesn't look cheap or "slutty" (which in his mind means it's too tight or there's too much skin showing). If he wants me to wear something particular for play or lounging around the house, or he wants to approve a dress I'm thinking about buying for an upcoming wedding- He'll tell me.

Getting back to the topic at hand- I'm afraid there is no Official Submissive Uniform.

The clothing (or lack of clothing) preferred in a relationship is entirely dependant on the people in that relationship.

And if you're going to an event with a dress code? The dress code will be posted on the event's website or on your invitation.

So the easiest thing to do? Wear what makes you feel good and to hell with what outfits the other submissives might be wearing. Much like the only right way to do D/s is the way that you and your partner find fulfilling, the only right outfit to wear while doing that is what you and your partner find hawt. Your s-style is yours to define.