"If the bottom feels consent was violated, then consent was violated."
That's the atmosphere of consent in the Kinkyverse lately, an all or nothing stance that makes consent violations into a black and white issue- If you feel that your consent was violated, then it was, and there's no room for interpretation. Your feelings are fact.
Now, I really don't want to negate anybody's feelings or cast doubt on their validity. It's not my place to do that because you feel what you feel and I certainly wouldn't want someone to say to me that I didn't have a right to my feelings. That would be pretty shitty. I wanted to point that out before I continued- Casting aspirations on someone else's feeling is not the point of this bloggy thing, at all.
The point is what happens with those feelings, why someone may have them, and what to do about it.
I think that for most people there has been a time when a scene (or plain old vanilla sex) just hasn't gone well. I can distinctly recall a time when my ex husband and I were going at it and all of a sudden it felt a lot more like rape than consensual sex. It felt like I didn't matter and he was just using me, despite the fact that I'd consented to what we were doing before hand... It felt really, really horrible and I had the feeling that somehow I had been violated. My consent had been violated.
I've never mentioned that to anybody before this, and I only bring it up to illustrate a point. I understand how consent violations can happen, even with someone you care for and who cares for you- Which in a way I think makes it worse, because you trust them not to harm you. It's not like playing with someone you just met where you kind of expect that something could go wrong. It comes out of the blue. Just out of nowhere and you're not prepared for it, at all.
So when people write about consent violations and tarring and feathering the guilty party, that one night is what I think of and why I'm so opposed to the idea that because I felt my consent had been violated, it was... Because it wasn't. I may have felt that way, but that did not mean that a violation of my consent was a FACT.
I may have felt that way, but I didn't tell my then-fiancé. I didn't tell him during (I don't know why, if I had he would have stopped and would have understood), I didn't tell him after. He had no reasonable way of knowing that I felt icky.
Consent Violations are not a black and white thing when it comes to consensual kink.
Black and white is saying "NO" or "STOP" or using a safeword/gesture/signal and they keep going.
The rest? It's all shades of grey.
Treating a feeling like a fact doesn't do anybody any favors. It creates a atmosphere of victimhood and Partner Blaming. It negates personal responsibility for your own well-being and places the brunt of that burden on your partner- Even if that partner was doing everything they could to keep you safe.
So what do you do when the grey area of consent violations happens?
Personally, I think it's important to look at the "why."
As in: Why did it happen?
There's always a why.
Perhaps limits were not expressed clearly enough.
Perhaps negotiations were a bit hurried in the excitement to get to the good stuff.
Perhaps there was a failure to communicate during play.
Perhaps a trigger was tripped that you didn't know about until it happened.
Perhaps it was something totally unforeseen, irrational, and it might not happen again in a million years...
But finding that why is (to me) the most important thing you can do for yourself and your partner. It can help put feelings into a problem solving context (Yes, I feel bad, but now I know how to avoid this feeling in the future) where finding a solution goes a long way in helping manage those feelings. Instead of being the helpless "victim" of a kinky snafu you are an active participant, which is kind of empowering.
Looking for the why is also extremely important for communication. If something bad has happened and you know (or have an idea) of why it happened, that will lead to a much more productive conversation with your partner.
"I feel my consent was violated" is really rather vague and odds are good, as seriously as consent is taken in the Kinkyverse, it's going to put your partner on the defensive or leave them feeling guilty for something that may not have been able to prevent or foresee. It's not constructive.
"I feel my consent was violated because X, I would like your help to keep it from happening again. What can we do?" gives them the chance to help solve the issue and become an active participant as well. It doesn't cast blame, it's just a feeling and a request for their help in finding a resolution.
I do not think it's at all beneficial to take that feeling and use it as a finger-pointing blame tool. It may feel good for a while to tell everybody within earshot or on your friend list that So-and-so violated your consent... But there's a good chance that will come around to bite you in the ass, especially if there was something you could have done to prevent things from having gone wrong in a consensual scene, but didn't.
"So-and-so violated my consent! I feel violated! He beat me with a rubber chicken!" is going to sound a bit like you can't take responsibility for yourself when So-and-so responds, "MissX never used her safeword or told me something was wrong during the scene. How can anybody trust her to be a responsible bottom if she can't communicate?"
Yeah. Not so good. Probably a better bet to talk to the Top Type first before starting a witch hunt.
Anyways, I fear I've gone off on a tangent. I was talking about consent violations and how feeling violated doesn't equate to being violated... It's an important distinction to make and figure out when it happens, and the only way to figure it out is to look at what happened, why it happened, and how to prevent it from happening in the future.
I think more conversations need to recognize that while a person's feelings may have been violated, that doesn't always mean that the other party willfully and knowingly violated consent and that there has to be an immediate witch hunt or public burning at the stake. fact and feeling are not the same thing, and treating them as if they are is a horrible thing. Feelings can be validated without blame being cast, and communication with the other party involved should happen before that person is cast as the villain.
As always, YMMV.
But seriously, this a conversation more people need to be having because there is an element of personal responsibility that is not being taken into account when someone who feels like their consent has been violated is cast as an automatic victim... Partner Blaming is just as bad as Victim Blaming.
Friday, March 28, 2014
PRICK- Personal Responsibility In Consensual Kink
There are a few acronyms floating around that make up what can loosely be quantified as the ethical compass for BDSM.
There's SSC (safe, sane, consensual) that is often one of the first acronyms discovered by a newbie because it's discussed so often. I, personally, don't care for it because often what we do has some risk so safety is not guaranteed, and it may not seem all that sane.
The next acronym to be discovered is often RACK (risk aware consensual kink). I like this one much better because it implies that there is risk involved in a lot of the things we do and the person doing them should be aware of those risks before consenting to play.
And then there's PRICK (personal responsibility in consensual kink).
PRICK popped up on my radar a few years ago though it's probably been in use long before it caught on enough to show up in the forums of the Kinkyverse. It's not really in the same league as the first two acronyms and doesn't get as many mentions, but it is by far my favorite.
Why? Because as often as I harp on about personal responsibility it's nice to see that someone has made it into an acronym in order to get the message out there. Personal responsibility has become such a big deal that it's being talked about more often and being added to the acronym list gives it the weight that it deserves. It's becoming part of the ethical compass of kink and that's cool.
But what is it?
What PRICK means is that you are responsible for yourself in consensual kink. Your safety, your feelings, your general well-being are your responsibility.
It means that your default setting shouldn't be to expect your partner/Top/Dominant/Master/etc to take care of those things for you, because while it's a nice fantasy that the infallible Top-Type person will inherently know if you're in trouble, will always keep you safe, and will never-ever do anything to harm you emotionally or physically- it happens. Accidents happen, bad people happen, and PRICK points out (sorry, bad pun) that it is your responsibility to ensure to the best of your ability that it doesn't happen.
It means that if something is happening or about to happen or has happened that you are not OK with, that you'll speak up (or signal, if speaking isn't an option) and let your partner know because you are responsible for yourself.
It means that if something bad happens (Dog forbid) because of a communication snafu or bad luck accident, you won't automatically blame the Top Type Person (or the s-type, this does go two ways after all). You'll hopefully ask yourself, "Self, was there anything I could have done that might have contributed to this situation?" before pinning the guilt all on your partner in play.
It means, in a nut shell, that you are an adult, responsible person capable of looking out for yourself, whatever side of the slash you fall on.
It's an awfully neat acronym.
And about the only time you can say, "I'm a prick!" and feel good about it.
Disclaimer: YMMV. This is how I interpret these acronyms and my thoughts should not be taken as The One True Way, because they're not.
There's SSC (safe, sane, consensual) that is often one of the first acronyms discovered by a newbie because it's discussed so often. I, personally, don't care for it because often what we do has some risk so safety is not guaranteed, and it may not seem all that sane.
The next acronym to be discovered is often RACK (risk aware consensual kink). I like this one much better because it implies that there is risk involved in a lot of the things we do and the person doing them should be aware of those risks before consenting to play.
And then there's PRICK (personal responsibility in consensual kink).
PRICK popped up on my radar a few years ago though it's probably been in use long before it caught on enough to show up in the forums of the Kinkyverse. It's not really in the same league as the first two acronyms and doesn't get as many mentions, but it is by far my favorite.
Why? Because as often as I harp on about personal responsibility it's nice to see that someone has made it into an acronym in order to get the message out there. Personal responsibility has become such a big deal that it's being talked about more often and being added to the acronym list gives it the weight that it deserves. It's becoming part of the ethical compass of kink and that's cool.
But what is it?
What PRICK means is that you are responsible for yourself in consensual kink. Your safety, your feelings, your general well-being are your responsibility.
It means that your default setting shouldn't be to expect your partner/Top/Dominant/Master/etc to take care of those things for you, because while it's a nice fantasy that the infallible Top-Type person will inherently know if you're in trouble, will always keep you safe, and will never-ever do anything to harm you emotionally or physically- it happens. Accidents happen, bad people happen, and PRICK points out (sorry, bad pun) that it is your responsibility to ensure to the best of your ability that it doesn't happen.
It means that if something is happening or about to happen or has happened that you are not OK with, that you'll speak up (or signal, if speaking isn't an option) and let your partner know because you are responsible for yourself.
It means that if something bad happens (Dog forbid) because of a communication snafu or bad luck accident, you won't automatically blame the Top Type Person (or the s-type, this does go two ways after all). You'll hopefully ask yourself, "Self, was there anything I could have done that might have contributed to this situation?" before pinning the guilt all on your partner in play.
It means, in a nut shell, that you are an adult, responsible person capable of looking out for yourself, whatever side of the slash you fall on.
It's an awfully neat acronym.
And about the only time you can say, "I'm a prick!" and feel good about it.
Disclaimer: YMMV. This is how I interpret these acronyms and my thoughts should not be taken as The One True Way, because they're not.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Munch Madness.
Is March Madness still a thing?
I remember hearing about it all the time when I had cable (it has something to do with college hoops, right?) but since I don't have cable any more I'm a bit out of the loop. Anyways, I've been hearing a lot about Munches on the interwebs lately and seeing that it's March I thought I'd take a crack at being witty. Ha ha!
Yeah...
Anyways, munches.
One of the most common forms of advise given to newbies who are looking to meet real life people is to attend a local munch. It's sound advice, a munch is usually a pretty low-stress, laid-back event where you can indeed meet other real life kinksters to make new friends.
But often when the advice is offered "Go to a munch" is all that's offered, and that's a bit lacking for the newbies who may not have ever heard about a munch before. So...
What is a Munch?
A munch is an event held for local kinksters at a vanilla venue, usually a diner or restaurant. Some munches are held in locations with a private room so the attendees can have some privacy, others are held in the main dining area.
What happens at a Munch?
People socialize.
Because a munch is held in a vanilla venue there is no play or overt kinky activity.
At muches where the event is held in a private room or area people may feel more comfortable expressing their dynamics, you might hear s-types use titles for their partners that they may not use if seated with the restaurant's vanilla patrons.
There might be a topic of conversation; some munch leaders like to introduce specific things for the group to discuss.
Odds are good that a few folks will eat dinner.
How do people act at a Munch?
They act like people getting together for dinner and conversation.
Munches are a No-Protocol event because of their location. Couples may use their own public protocol if they have any, but new people and people attending solo are not expected to act in a certain kinky way: S-types do not have to use titles for D-types, D-types do not boss around random submissives.
How people act at a munch is very similar to how they'd act if they were going out with vanilla friends.
What should I wear to a Munch?
Most munches have a vanilla dress code because they're held at vanilla venues, so you'd wear the same outfit you'd pick to go out to eat with your Grandma or your vanilla best friend at that establishment.
What doesn't happen at a Munch?
Overtly kinky activity.
Nobody at a munch is going to break out a flogger and start beating someone with it. The s-types are not going to be groveling on the floor, nobody is going to kneel to anybody else, in short- Nothing will happen that might make the vanilla folks nervous if they saw it.
Kinky activity may happen later in the evening, but if that sort of play is planned it will be at a kink-friendly location or perhaps someone's home. You are not obligated to attend unless you want to. Sometimes those vents are invitation only, or only include munch attendees who have been to X amount of munches (because the group may want to get to know you before including you in play events).
How do I find a munch?
If you're on Fetlife click: Places
Find your state (for me that's Michigan)
That will open a page with events in your state, groups related to your state, and a listing of cities in your state.
When I click on my city I get a listing for groups related to my city and the pages for a few local munches.
Alternatively, you can use the MALL Directory to see what events are listed in your area:
http://findamunch.com/
I haven't used it, but it seems fairly easy to navigate from the look I just had.
How do I know what Munch is right for me?
There are a few different kinds of munches so it may take some exploring to find the group that suits you best.
In cities large enough to support multiple munches there may be a TNG Munch (generally for folks under 35), a Submissive's or Dominant's Only Munch, a Munch for the older generations, a General Munch... Group Specific Munches are great because they can focus more on the things that interest that group, or they can provide you with an opportunity to meet people who share your interests.
What if I'm shy?
I'll let you in on a little secret- Despite my verbosity on here and on Fet, I'm painfully shy. Social Anxiety is something I'm very familiar with. So walking into a much alone (Cookie was working) for the first time was pretty difficult. So I do have some helpful tips for dealing with shyness:
Get to know your much group/s online first. Introduce yourself, get involved in conversations, and if you're really concerned about not knowing anybody send the Munch Leader a message. You won't be the first person to do this, and if your munch leader is aware that you're new and nervous they can make sure that other members know to be especially friendly to the new person. They want you to have a good time so that you'll come back.
Something else to seriously consider- All of the people at the munch were new there at some point, too. They all know what it's like to be the person who walks into a room full of strangers so most (if not all) of them are going to make a point to introduce themselves to you and put you at ease. Many of them will try to include you in their conversations. Of course you'll need to make an effort as well, but if you can't think of something to say, smiling and nodding to show you're paying attention and you are involved works wonders.
I'm a submissive and I'm worried about some random D-type getting bossy...
I'm not going to lie, random D-types will show up at munches looking for "fresh meat" or to "score." It happens.
When it does, it's perfectly OK to say, "I'm not interested" and move on. If the random D-type doesn't take that rather obvious hint to get lost and keeps bothering you, most of the people in the room will respond if you tell them you need help ditching a D-type who isn't getting the message.
And honestly, that's all some random D-type can do at a munch- Be a pest. It might be annoying, but it's not really something to be worried about. They can't actually make you do anything that you don't want to do.
I'm a D-type, what should I expect?
The same thing your submissive counterpart can expect- Good food, good conversation, and hopefully some new friends. If all goes well you'll be treated with the same common courtesy that every human being deserves.
Will I meet my One True Love at a Munch?
Anything is possible.
People have met their significant other at a munch, but munches are less "Meat Market" and more "Meet Market". It is possible to meet the D or s-type of your dreams at a munch, but generally it takes time (much like anywhere else), and if you're looking to hook-up or have a nice little one night stand? That can also happen, but it's not something I would bank on.
I remember hearing about it all the time when I had cable (it has something to do with college hoops, right?) but since I don't have cable any more I'm a bit out of the loop. Anyways, I've been hearing a lot about Munches on the interwebs lately and seeing that it's March I thought I'd take a crack at being witty. Ha ha!
Yeah...
Anyways, munches.
One of the most common forms of advise given to newbies who are looking to meet real life people is to attend a local munch. It's sound advice, a munch is usually a pretty low-stress, laid-back event where you can indeed meet other real life kinksters to make new friends.
But often when the advice is offered "Go to a munch" is all that's offered, and that's a bit lacking for the newbies who may not have ever heard about a munch before. So...
What is a Munch?
A munch is an event held for local kinksters at a vanilla venue, usually a diner or restaurant. Some munches are held in locations with a private room so the attendees can have some privacy, others are held in the main dining area.
What happens at a Munch?
People socialize.
Because a munch is held in a vanilla venue there is no play or overt kinky activity.
At muches where the event is held in a private room or area people may feel more comfortable expressing their dynamics, you might hear s-types use titles for their partners that they may not use if seated with the restaurant's vanilla patrons.
There might be a topic of conversation; some munch leaders like to introduce specific things for the group to discuss.
Odds are good that a few folks will eat dinner.
How do people act at a Munch?
They act like people getting together for dinner and conversation.
Munches are a No-Protocol event because of their location. Couples may use their own public protocol if they have any, but new people and people attending solo are not expected to act in a certain kinky way: S-types do not have to use titles for D-types, D-types do not boss around random submissives.
How people act at a munch is very similar to how they'd act if they were going out with vanilla friends.
What should I wear to a Munch?
Most munches have a vanilla dress code because they're held at vanilla venues, so you'd wear the same outfit you'd pick to go out to eat with your Grandma or your vanilla best friend at that establishment.
What doesn't happen at a Munch?
Overtly kinky activity.
Nobody at a munch is going to break out a flogger and start beating someone with it. The s-types are not going to be groveling on the floor, nobody is going to kneel to anybody else, in short- Nothing will happen that might make the vanilla folks nervous if they saw it.
Kinky activity may happen later in the evening, but if that sort of play is planned it will be at a kink-friendly location or perhaps someone's home. You are not obligated to attend unless you want to. Sometimes those vents are invitation only, or only include munch attendees who have been to X amount of munches (because the group may want to get to know you before including you in play events).
How do I find a munch?
If you're on Fetlife click: Places
Find your state (for me that's Michigan)
That will open a page with events in your state, groups related to your state, and a listing of cities in your state.
When I click on my city I get a listing for groups related to my city and the pages for a few local munches.
Alternatively, you can use the MALL Directory to see what events are listed in your area:
http://findamunch.com/
I haven't used it, but it seems fairly easy to navigate from the look I just had.
How do I know what Munch is right for me?
There are a few different kinds of munches so it may take some exploring to find the group that suits you best.
In cities large enough to support multiple munches there may be a TNG Munch (generally for folks under 35), a Submissive's or Dominant's Only Munch, a Munch for the older generations, a General Munch... Group Specific Munches are great because they can focus more on the things that interest that group, or they can provide you with an opportunity to meet people who share your interests.
What if I'm shy?
I'll let you in on a little secret- Despite my verbosity on here and on Fet, I'm painfully shy. Social Anxiety is something I'm very familiar with. So walking into a much alone (Cookie was working) for the first time was pretty difficult. So I do have some helpful tips for dealing with shyness:
Get to know your much group/s online first. Introduce yourself, get involved in conversations, and if you're really concerned about not knowing anybody send the Munch Leader a message. You won't be the first person to do this, and if your munch leader is aware that you're new and nervous they can make sure that other members know to be especially friendly to the new person. They want you to have a good time so that you'll come back.
Something else to seriously consider- All of the people at the munch were new there at some point, too. They all know what it's like to be the person who walks into a room full of strangers so most (if not all) of them are going to make a point to introduce themselves to you and put you at ease. Many of them will try to include you in their conversations. Of course you'll need to make an effort as well, but if you can't think of something to say, smiling and nodding to show you're paying attention and you are involved works wonders.
I'm a submissive and I'm worried about some random D-type getting bossy...
I'm not going to lie, random D-types will show up at munches looking for "fresh meat" or to "score." It happens.
When it does, it's perfectly OK to say, "I'm not interested" and move on. If the random D-type doesn't take that rather obvious hint to get lost and keeps bothering you, most of the people in the room will respond if you tell them you need help ditching a D-type who isn't getting the message.
And honestly, that's all some random D-type can do at a munch- Be a pest. It might be annoying, but it's not really something to be worried about. They can't actually make you do anything that you don't want to do.
I'm a D-type, what should I expect?
The same thing your submissive counterpart can expect- Good food, good conversation, and hopefully some new friends. If all goes well you'll be treated with the same common courtesy that every human being deserves.
Will I meet my One True Love at a Munch?
Anything is possible.
People have met their significant other at a munch, but munches are less "Meat Market" and more "Meet Market". It is possible to meet the D or s-type of your dreams at a munch, but generally it takes time (much like anywhere else), and if you're looking to hook-up or have a nice little one night stand? That can also happen, but it's not something I would bank on.
Friday, March 21, 2014
If aftercare is a thing, what about "before care"?
So the most obvious thing jumped out at me today while reading a post on Fet. This person asked what aftercare was (because she'd heard about it but wasn't sure what it entailed), and then she asked if there was an aftercare was there also a "before care"?
At first it was a silly question. I mean, "before care"? Who does that? Who asks about that kind of thing? What a noob.
But then I got thinking about it. Aftercare is such a big deal that most people have heard of it. They might not know what it is exactly, of if they may need it, but they know it's a thing so they ask about it.
My idea is to make "before care" as big of a thing as aftercare is, that way the newbies start asking "What is before care?"
Think about it.
Everybody who has been doing WIITWD has a pretty good idea of the things that generally happen before engaging in play with a new partner. You know, getting to know that person, establishing trust and compatibility, ensuring that everybody's needs will get met and that some safety protocol is in place... But there's no Super Special Kinky Term for that stuff.
Maybe if we gave it a name, the newbies would ask about it, because if it has a Super Special Kinky Term then it must be something that they need to know about and more importantly: Use.
And yes, that pre-game stuff a lot of us do is pretty much just common sense.
And yes, it's a bit silly that it might need a Kinky Term to get the newbie's attention.
And yes, having spent a few years on the planet and probably having dated and having had relationships before discovering the Kinkyverse it really shouldn't be rocket science...
But it is.
Frenzy strikes and all of a sudden the things a person used to know about dating, relationships, and common sense seem to take a flying leap out of the nearest available window.
So perhaps "Before Care" should become a thing.
It might help some of the more vulnerable members of our loosely-knit community be a little safer and contribute to healthier, happier relationships.
What do you guys think?
At first it was a silly question. I mean, "before care"? Who does that? Who asks about that kind of thing? What a noob.
But then I got thinking about it. Aftercare is such a big deal that most people have heard of it. They might not know what it is exactly, of if they may need it, but they know it's a thing so they ask about it.
My idea is to make "before care" as big of a thing as aftercare is, that way the newbies start asking "What is before care?"
Think about it.
Everybody who has been doing WIITWD has a pretty good idea of the things that generally happen before engaging in play with a new partner. You know, getting to know that person, establishing trust and compatibility, ensuring that everybody's needs will get met and that some safety protocol is in place... But there's no Super Special Kinky Term for that stuff.
Maybe if we gave it a name, the newbies would ask about it, because if it has a Super Special Kinky Term then it must be something that they need to know about and more importantly: Use.
And yes, that pre-game stuff a lot of us do is pretty much just common sense.
And yes, it's a bit silly that it might need a Kinky Term to get the newbie's attention.
And yes, having spent a few years on the planet and probably having dated and having had relationships before discovering the Kinkyverse it really shouldn't be rocket science...
But it is.
Frenzy strikes and all of a sudden the things a person used to know about dating, relationships, and common sense seem to take a flying leap out of the nearest available window.
So perhaps "Before Care" should become a thing.
It might help some of the more vulnerable members of our loosely-knit community be a little safer and contribute to healthier, happier relationships.
What do you guys think?
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
The Daily Flogger
http://www.thedailyflogger.com/
See that link? You should click on it and read the stuff these folks write. Not because it's all Supr Srs Bisness, but because it's funny, and I think the Kinkyverse could use a good dose of humor once in a while.
And I'm afraid that's all I've got for today... Unless anybody wants to hear about Hol's mysterious toenail malady? Anybody? No? I didn't think so.
See that link? You should click on it and read the stuff these folks write. Not because it's all Supr Srs Bisness, but because it's funny, and I think the Kinkyverse could use a good dose of humor once in a while.
And I'm afraid that's all I've got for today... Unless anybody wants to hear about Hol's mysterious toenail malady? Anybody? No? I didn't think so.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
I Had The Ebola Last Week.
A little while ago I mentioned that Beloved Cookie was ill.
The reward I got for being just about the best wife and submissive girl person ever whilst he was brought low by a bug? What do I get for cleaning out his puke bucket, fetching him chicky soup, and making sure his Kleenex supply was well stocked? How did he thank me for umpteen million grocery store runs to buy him OJ and Flu Drugs?
He gave it to me.
Bleh.
Thankfully, Cookie isn't a clod.
While I was busy yarping up my internal organs, producing more snot than the human sinus cavity should physically be capable of containing (unless a sinus cavity is like a Tardis), and generally displaying my misery by assuming the fetal position in the corner of the couch while making pathetic whimpering noises, Cookie took care of me.
He's awesome like that because he loves me and wants me to feel better.
And I only mention all this snot and vomit to bring up something I notice happening in the Kinkyverse that I thought about in between bouts of yickiness- The Unrealistic Expectations a lot of s-types seem to have about submission while sick.
Me? I had no problem being a miserable lump of sick Squeaky on the couch, no issues with sending Cookie to the store for more cough syrup, or letting him manage the house for a few days. The last thing I want to do when I feel like hammered shit is take care of crap I know he can manage on his own (plus, I secretly think he likes having a chance to be the care-giver on occasion).
But a lot of s-types seem to have issues about letting their D-types be the care-giver. I see it all the time online: "I feel bad because I'm sick and can't take care of my Dom!" or "I feel like a failure because I can't do XYZ while I'm running a 104 degree temperature and actually dying from Ebola!" or "I'm in a halo and he won't let me do XYZ..."
Ok. So maybe that last one is an exaggeration, I've yet to see someone in traction fretting because they can't kneel and suck cock, but you get the point. There's all this angst and I don't get it. At all. What's so horrible about being sick and letting someone who cares for you, you know, care for you?
I could understand it if they were ill and fretting because their clod-like Domly was demanding that they still do XYZ while running a 104 degree temperature and dying of Ebola... But this?
It just makes me scratch my noggin in a fit of confusion. You're sick, so what? Eventually you'll get better (well, maybe not from Ebola, I hear that's pretty rough on a body) and you can continue doing XYZ... Until then? Why not focus on, I dunno, getting better?
Meh.
I have nothing better to do because I'm still not all the way off the couch and I ran out of episodes of West Wing to watch on Netflix while the doggies warm my feet, so this is what you get. If it doesn't make any sense, just blame the Ebola.
The reward I got for being just about the best wife and submissive girl person ever whilst he was brought low by a bug? What do I get for cleaning out his puke bucket, fetching him chicky soup, and making sure his Kleenex supply was well stocked? How did he thank me for umpteen million grocery store runs to buy him OJ and Flu Drugs?
He gave it to me.
Bleh.
Thankfully, Cookie isn't a clod.
While I was busy yarping up my internal organs, producing more snot than the human sinus cavity should physically be capable of containing (unless a sinus cavity is like a Tardis), and generally displaying my misery by assuming the fetal position in the corner of the couch while making pathetic whimpering noises, Cookie took care of me.
He's awesome like that because he loves me and wants me to feel better.
And I only mention all this snot and vomit to bring up something I notice happening in the Kinkyverse that I thought about in between bouts of yickiness- The Unrealistic Expectations a lot of s-types seem to have about submission while sick.
Me? I had no problem being a miserable lump of sick Squeaky on the couch, no issues with sending Cookie to the store for more cough syrup, or letting him manage the house for a few days. The last thing I want to do when I feel like hammered shit is take care of crap I know he can manage on his own (plus, I secretly think he likes having a chance to be the care-giver on occasion).
But a lot of s-types seem to have issues about letting their D-types be the care-giver. I see it all the time online: "I feel bad because I'm sick and can't take care of my Dom!" or "I feel like a failure because I can't do XYZ while I'm running a 104 degree temperature and actually dying from Ebola!" or "I'm in a halo and he won't let me do XYZ..."
Ok. So maybe that last one is an exaggeration, I've yet to see someone in traction fretting because they can't kneel and suck cock, but you get the point. There's all this angst and I don't get it. At all. What's so horrible about being sick and letting someone who cares for you, you know, care for you?
I could understand it if they were ill and fretting because their clod-like Domly was demanding that they still do XYZ while running a 104 degree temperature and dying of Ebola... But this?
It just makes me scratch my noggin in a fit of confusion. You're sick, so what? Eventually you'll get better (well, maybe not from Ebola, I hear that's pretty rough on a body) and you can continue doing XYZ... Until then? Why not focus on, I dunno, getting better?
Meh.
I have nothing better to do because I'm still not all the way off the couch and I ran out of episodes of West Wing to watch on Netflix while the doggies warm my feet, so this is what you get. If it doesn't make any sense, just blame the Ebola.
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