All you did was save my life (a plea for help).

http://www.gofundme.com/bp9bg4

 

 

 

The dog in this picture, his name is Tank. He's a 13 year-old Labrador and a Service Dog to his 75 year-old mom (who is partially blind and has heart problems). Poor old Tank is suffering from Laryngeal Paralisis and a Heart condition and needs quite a bit of money for surgery at Michigan State University Veterinary Hospital- Money his family doesn't have.

 

And although I usually keep the vanilla stuff off this blog, well- I have a 13 year-old dog (my Skippy), and I figure I'm not the only person out there who knows what it's like to love and lose a dog... So if you can give, or if you can share this so others can maybe give, that would be great.

 

I'm sure Tank's person would be grateful, I know I would be if this were my dog.

 

 

 

 

Where I go on a ranty bender about responsibility, presonal responsibility, and consent.

You might not be ready to take on being a dominant/top if you cannot own the responsibility that comes with your privilege.
Fair enough, but what responsibility is that exactly? Isn't that something to be determined by all parties involved in a scene or relationship? I mean, not everybody wants to assume the same amount of responsibility for another person, right? I know that Cookie certainly wouldn't want to have 100% responsibility for my actions or feelings or whatever.

And privilege? Seriously? It's a relationship between two (or more) people that requires work on all their parts. Hopefully BOTH parties feel that it's a privilege to be in a relationship with the other person.

There is something very evil about a person who violates the consent of a bottom. It isn’t right to violate anyone’s consent, of course. Ever. But there is something much more callous, sick, and cowardly about violating a bottom’s consent, and here is why:
Erm... NO.
Violating someone's consent or trust is pretty much all around, equally horrible.
You want to talk about evil? Let's talk about the people who abuse the small helpless things entrusted to their care. Abusing something helpless is about as evil as it gets.

When a parent abuses a child, it is never the child’s fault
Now, I am not saying that BDSM is like the parent/child dynamic in all ways. Nor am I saying that bottoms are like children. However, the reason why it is never the child’s fault when a parent abuses or neglects the child is because the parent has taken on responsibility for the child’s life, and the child is in a vulnerable and delicate place.
Like this, in a scene, a bottom has trusted you to take care of them -- for a short while. Or for the duration of a relationship, if you have an on-going D/s dynamic.
Um, what?
You're equating consent violations (all of them, even the accidental sorts) with child abuse? This is starting to reek of a strawman argument. It's quite hyperbolic.
There is a world of difference between a child, who really is a helpless being and an adult person who ought to be able to take responsibility for their own well-being and safety. And who, by the by, is capable of leaving. A kid can't just up and go when they feel unsafe, and adult can.

Sex/play is a vulnerable situation to begin with. Compound that with taking the bottom role, and the bottom is in a place of needing a top who can step up to the responsibility. A relationship requires placing a lot of trust in someone, but a D/s relationship requires even more trust.
Poppycock.
BDSM requires no more trust than any other relationship. Do you trust your vanilla partner not to harm you? There you go. Same level of trust, right there.

When in bondage, a bottom does not have an ability to fight back physically (or it is very hampered, depending how secure your bondage is).
And this is why safe words, safe signals, or plain English communication of a problem are vital. If someone cannot safe word, safe signal, or use plain English to communicate that they are in trouble they should NOT be playing unless the top or dominant has been made aware of these issues and has specifically consented to the extra responsibility these issues will require.

Also- If you're concerned about needing to be able to fight back because you're not sure you'll be safe? Don't play with that person.

 During a pain play scene, your bottom is trusting you to hurt them but do no harm, to know what you are doing, to not use the pain and endorphins raised to take advantage or manipulate. During a D/s (power exchange) dynamic, even if it is only for a few hours, your bottom is trusting you to make the best decisions for them and to be able to follow your instructions.
And none of that means that they are suddenly rendered incapable of making wise decisions or taking responsibility for their own well being.
Also- Trusting someone else to make sound decisions does not equal abdicating responsibility for your own well being. Trust all you want, but when things go south you NEED to be able to stop play or end the relationship or at the very least have a conversation about any concern you may have.

For this reason, and this reason only, it is the top’s job to own 100% of the responsibility of the scene, always.
Bullshit.
It is NEVER anybody else's responsibility to care more for your own safety than you do. EVER.
That's about as stupid as saying "Sure, go swerve all over the highway at 80 miles an hour- Everybody else should be looking out for you so don't worry about looking out for yourself."
Gah!

Now, that doesn’t mean the bottom can’t step up and choose to own some of the responsibility themselves. And it’s wonderful when they do. But if the bottom cannot, or will not, the top must be willing to do so.
Again, bullshit.
If the bottom cannot or will not take responsibility for their own safety the top always has the ability to not consent to play with that person, because that person is a danger to themselves and others.

Like, it’s wonderful IF a young child is capable to make lunch or dinner a few times per week, but if the child can’t do that then the parent can’t let them go hungry those days. It’s wonderful if a young child can clean their own bedroom, but if they aren’t very good at it or don’t know how, the parent can’t go “wellp that’s YOUR bedroom” and leave rotting food and piles of junk everywhere.
The difference between a child and a responsible adult? An adult IS responsible for their own actions or lack thereof, there is no "if" here. By the time you're playing grown-up games, IF you can't act like a grown-up, DONT PLAY. It's pretty simple.

As the top, you must do your best to anticipate every possible thing that could go wrong with a scene and to own any mistakes you make.
And a bottom should be thinking about these things as well, what with them being an adult and all.

 Additionally, it is at the sole discretion of the bottom to decide when their limits have been violated. The bottom is the one who sets the limits in play, and therefore, they are the only one who can judge when they have been trespassed.
Are we talking about intentional "I said X was a limit and they did X anyways" malicious consent violations?
Or are we talking about "I said X was ok but then I felt icky"
Or "I said X was a limit, but they forgot and did X"
Or "We didn't talk about X, they didn't know it was a limit and neither did I, but X happened and I feel icky"
Consent violations are one thing, accidents, miscommunication, bad luck, unexpected triggers, etc are a whole different kettle of fish- It might have been a good idea to point that out. Not every icky feeling, accident, of miscommunication is a consent violation

If a bottom tells you their limits have been violated, that doesn’t mean you have done anything intentionally, but that does not negate your responsibility in the situation.
Erm... If it's unintentional, where' the responsibility beyond saying "I'm sorry you feel that way"?

 You must own this, like anything else that goes wrong in your scene. You must say, “Thank you so much for telling me. What do you want me to do, now? Do you need space, or want me to be involved in your recovery process? Do you feel comfortable to tell me how I should have handled things better?”
OR, much more logically you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. What can you do and what can I do to ensure that this does not happen again?" Because assuming the responsibility for the bottom's feelings will not actually solve the problem, asking the bottom if there is something that they can do to actively help themselves will have far more value than encouraging them to continue to abdicate responsibility for their feelings.

You will feel like shit, by the way. You will feel like you just kicked a puppy. Your heart will sink and you will feel like defending yourself. You have to control these immature responses, though, and remind yourself: I am the top. It is my job to own this, and do what I need to fix this. I am lucky that my bottom trusted me enough to tell me what I did wrong, so I have an opportunity to fix it and improve myself.
And where's the bottom's responsibility? If they did something to contribute to the fuck-up (like not safe word, or agree to something they were unsure of, or having a bad reaction to something they previously enjoyed, etc), how does it help them to assume all of the responsibility for their feelings?
It doesn't.

Maybe you did not mean to do it, but that does not absolve you of your duties. Intention means nothing, nothing at all. If you accidentally step over someone’s boundaries due to ignorance, negligence, or forgetfulness, you still have done harm to that person and you have an obligation to acknowledge that.
To acknowledge it? Yes.
To take responsibility for it no matter what the circumstances? No.

If you cannot do this -- if you cannot handle the responsibility of being a top, do not top.
If you cannot do this-- if you cannot take responsibility for your own well being and safety as a bottom, DO NOT bottom.

*********************************************************************************

And I'm sorry folks, but Every time one of these "Hey s-types and bottoms, it's perfectly A-OK for you to not take any responsibility for your role in a scene that accidentally went bad because the d-type should always be more responsible for your safety than you are" posts, it annoys the ever loving fuck out of me. I get all RAWR and ranty.

You're Not As Anonymous As You Think You Are.

Earlier this afternoon I got sucked into a blog vortex. It's kind of like the Youtube vortex, where you click aimlessly for hours and suddenly find half your day is missing and you're watching a video of a hamster trying to get jiggy with a grapefruit and you have no idea why... Er. I mean theoretically. That's never happened to me. Ever.

Moving on...

So, clicking my way through random blogs, I ended up reading this epic and seriously fucked up tale of some guy who fell in love with a girl who's parents were completely fucked in the head- And after 16 installments of the tale he left it hanging! There was no ending!

So I did a bad, bad thing which I am only admitting to because it serves a point that not a lot of people seem to pay attention to- You're Not As Anonymous As You Think You Are.

Now, I'm not going to link to this guy's blog, given that he's a Christian and I'm not sure how thrilled he'd be to be linked to a kinkster's blog, so I'm just going to call him Jimmy Dean (this is an homage to my favorite brand of breakfast sausage, BTW).

When writing his epic tale of woe, Jimmy D. was very careful to not use any names. Not even made up ones. He referred tot he girl as "my Ex," or typed her name (and all other names) out like this: *****. There were no pictures, nothing really identifying in the whole blog. Just his name.

That's it, the only thing he ever wrote in the entire 16 separate blogs was his name and that he worked in the music industry.


And maybe my Google Fu is stronger than the average interwebs user, but I doubt that. I'm not some sort of genius hacker, I cannot write code, and half the time I can barely get my favorite online time-wasting games to work right... But I found him. And through  him I found her name. With her name I found her family (who he maligned pretty badly in the blog), and eventually I found my way to her Facebook page.

All told, it took me half an hour.

30 minutes and all that anonymity was gone.

I doubt I was the first person to try to learn how the story ended, and I doubt I'll be the last- And at least with me I won't pester them, I won't send a message or stalk them or invade their privacy any more than I have. Case closed and I'm content.

But this is something that I don't think many folks think about online- That with the right clues, clues you might not mean to give out, someone can find you. Hell, someone could find me (I don't know why they'd want to, but they could). Someone with a much more lax moral compass than I possess could take that info and FIND you.

So when I get on Fet and visit random profiles and I see people who use their real names, who post their phone number, who air explicit non-consent fantasies on a website where a great many people don't seem to understand the concept of consent in all we do... It worries me. All it takes is one person with bad intentions and basic Google skills and then Dog only knows what might happen.

So be careful, OK?
You're not as anonymous as you think you are.

There's a DimDom in my Inbox. Ew.

Sometimes the DimDoms, whose failure at reading profiles (especially the about me, looking for, and relationship status bits) has bee well documented decide that it's a good idea to message me. I don't know why they'd think this, but sometimes it can be fun to see where their derpy conversation goes... This one, yeah. I don't know about this one.
..................................................................................................................................................................

My thoughts look like this.

Cookie was kind enough to let me use his profile to egg on the derpy DimDom.

hey babygirlie
babygirlie? WTF? This guy does realize I'm 11 years older than he is, right? He had to at least have checked that bit in my profile.

　

SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA


what will it take for you to blow me?

　

Nothing You could ever hope to possess, twit.. But seeing as this could be good for some amusement I won't block you just yet.


Me

Well, I guess I'd have to have some interest in blowing you, which I don't, so...

Better luck elsewhere.

Oh look! I can be nice-ish, even to twits. What's he going to come back with?

　

SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA


What if i told you all about me and we got to know each other? im a nice man im just very lonely in the girl department, and i find you pretty, itd be nice for a fantasy to be a reality one time.

Seriously? Did he really just play the "But I'm A Pathetic Nice Guy" card? Man, saddest game EVAR. Does that even work? Has there ever been some chick who's just felt soooo bad for the derp that she says, "Oh, you poor derp. I feel bad for your lack of lady-getting skills and I will now grant you a pity beej"?

　

Me

Tell you what- Feel free to message my Dominant (he's on here BTW, listed right at the top of my profile right next to "Married to" and "monogamous with" and "owned by").

If you can get him to agree to let me put my mouth on another man's cock, then we'll talk.

Subtle, but not too subtle... I mean, "monogamous" is RIGHT THERE. He'll get it, right? Maybe? Nobody can be that derpy.

　

SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA


Ok- i will talk to him and if he gives permission then ill write back, ok? i need a good blowjob and i bet you do it well.

Guess not. But this could be interesting... Let's see what he says to "Cookie."


　
...To Hubby Man:
The part of Cookie will be played by Squeaky today, as Cookie is too busy working to deal with the derp.

SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA


cookies squeaky, is a nice looking girl, i went to talk with her and she seems nice, but told me she is in a mono relationship so cant see others. All i want is a nice blowjob and im a nice friendly guy and she tol dme if she had your permission she'd happily do it.

I was thinking we could meet at a nice casino or something eat/listen to music then I will use her mouth for a little bit, if she has any limits id respect them, what you think? you ok with her doing it?

Wait, I said what?
*Scrolls up...*
No, I did not say that, or anything close to that... But this does give me an excellent opportunity to see if the "nice guy" is really nice, or not.

　

The Hubby 34M
Flint, Michigan


I think My sub and I are going to have to have a little "talk" when I get home about what monogamous means and how her mouth isn't for anybody's junk but Mine.

But thanks for bringing it to My attention that I need to correct her behavior ASAP.

Cookie

Ooo... The "big mean domly dom card." Any person with at least a modicum of empathy would feel bad if they got someone in trouble. Will there be back peddling?

　

...To Husband Man:

SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA


Well maybe a good punishment willl be to abuse her throat, give it a good pounding and tie her arms and force her to take it, she needs it done to her. Im sorry for getting you upset and asking, its a shame i cant use her mouth lol.

I wish i could even watch her suck you off on skype though? let me knoe

Nope. This dood's pleased that he's potentially gotten someone in trouble by blatantly lying about what they said? Wow... Just, wow.

　

...And back to me:

SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA


oh u about to be in deep water when he comes home. yepppp

sigh... Yep, he's a Real & True "Nice Guy(tm)"

Me

Or, far more likely, he's going to come home, we're going to laugh about the moron who was too stupid to understand the concept of monogamy, and then we'll fuck like rabid bunnies. Seriously. Did you honestly think that there was any chance in hell that he'd be all "Sure man, go ahead and get a beej from my wife"? Or that I'd actually do it? Tool.

But hey, thanks for giving us some great fodder for a group that totally enjoys messages from inept kinksters and the inept kinksers who send that sort of shit.

　
Yeah, there's a group for mocking this sort of thing, but it's like Fight Club. We're not supposed to talk about it.

　

SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA


what the hell is that group? can u show me at least lol?
btw quit actin like im this big bad clown, i saw a girl i asked for some head, its what u kinda girls are into and do on the reg. are you in denial or something lol?

Girls like me? Oh, he must mean "girls in crappy porn and erotica". And "denial"? WTF? Because I'm in a monogamous relationship? Is this some sort of convoluted "You're a fake sub" line?

Me

Huh. You lie to my husband, gloat about thinking you've gotten me in trouble, and I'm supposed to do something for you...
That's funny.
Oh, and BTW, girls like me? We don't fuck clowns. Maybe if you stopped acting like one you'd see more action.

Fucking clown.

SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA

you clearly are in for a rude awakening you got NO CLUE. you dont know your place in life and you dont realise how used you are getting by that guy you call a husband, i feel bad for you now


No clue AND I'm being used... I'll be sure to tell Husband man that after he gets done with his 13 hour day working to support his wife and family. Yep. Poor Cookie probably had no clue that he's supposed to let derps use me because if he doesn't then he's using me... Wait, what? Ow, my brain.
Me

Now that's just sad. Almost as sad as that pitiful "I'm a nice guy who can't get my dick sucked" game you tried to run.
Clown boy- I've been doing this relationship and kink thing since you were in grade school. You want to see someone who doesn't have a clue, go find a mirror because it sure as hell isn't me.

I bet he's going to start in with the derogatory name calling soon, it's pretty much his only option by now.

SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA

yah your insults really turn me down i mean, you cant even think and act for yourself. You need to find a "man" to order you around, to tell you what to do, you live and depend on a guy, yeah you are a STRONG MINDED CHICK? LOL PLZ. hes got you pegged girl. sad sad, 1 day ull wakeup.


Oh, close. He had to go with how "weak" submissive women are. And an insult to my relationship and Cookie's ethical compass... I think there are bonus points for that on my derpy DimDom BINGO card...
Me

And your blatantly inaccurate assumptions about my life are making me laugh. A lot. Keep it up, eventually you might say something I haven't already heard 100 times before.

...And that's the last I heard from him.

　

Until, like a bad sequel, he returned to pester Husband Man...

　

SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA


your bitch told me to work out plans with you, whats a good hotel i can meet you guys at?

Come on now, that's just sad guy. Give up already. You HAVE to know by now that we're talking about this to each other. You can't be THAT stupid, can you?

　

The Hubby 34M
Flint, Michigan


LOL.

She did? Interesting, because I can't recall her saying that in any of the messages she exchanged with you (which I read, by the way).

You bore me.

　
I am bored, bored I say!


SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA


ok heres what happened, we talked on the phone, then she blocked me to make it look like she hates me but we are working something out. Dont worry im not gonna do nothin bad to her, just use her mouth thats it .

keep not trusting your loved one real solid relationship there man.
keep controllin her ur a strong real man Lollllll

Huh? "keep not trusting me"? What's he talking about? I don't understand!!! We're talking to each other about this RIGHT NOW. Where's the lack of trust in that?

　

The Hubby34M
Flint, Michigan


More boring, unimaginative tripe. But I expected no less.

Shoo! You have now outlived your usefulness as a tool for our amusement. We no longer require your services, as lame as they were.

　

SukMahWeenie!25M
Almost Canada, USA


nice comeback man. lets find out if you are weak like your girl and block, or maybe ull do that after i show you the pictures of me and her together? i mean she said she needed a real man

Oh, I see what happened there. He got "man" and "clown" confused... Poor thing.

　

The Hubby34M
Flint, Michigan


Ok. Send me pictures. Make sure to get the tattoo on her thigh in them so I know it's her though.

Otherwise I'd be inclined to think that you're just a sad, pathetic little man with nothing better to do than tell blatantly obvious lies in an effort to stroke his own ego.

A) I don't have a tattoo on my thigh.
B) Pretty sure I already think that. Probably because it's pretty obvious.

And then I blocked him on Cookie's account. The derp was amusing for a bit, but like most derp it gets old fast.

The Dominant Didn't Call Me Back...

"I met a new Dom whom I thought was "the one". I sucked his cock the first and second nights we      went out. Then, he stopped calling/texting. I was just being my naturally submissive self. Is being too  compliant too soon a turn-off to Doms?"

Dear Question Asker,

Remember that vanilla guy you dated in high school? The one who said you'd do it if you loved him? The one who said that you were "The One" and you guys would be together forever and ever and yes, you should suck his cock? The one you were totally stoked about, went on a few dates with, fooled around with, and then he never called you back? The player?

Yeah. This is that same guy with a fancy title that he's given himself.

Dominants are not paragons of virtue held to a higher standard than mere mortal... Er, vanilla men. They're men.

Some of them are great guys.

And some of them will say anything it takes to get in your pants and then it's "Wham, Bam, Thank you ma'am" and you never hear from them again.

Seems you've found yourself one of those guys, so no- It probably had nothing to do with you being "too compliant too soon" and everything to do with him being a lying cad who just wanted to get his rocks off.

This really is high school all over again. And since you already survived that, you should be able to survive this if you remember that there's nothing magical that happens when a man takes on a title, he's still the same guy he was before that happened, and there's no rule book holding dominants to some higher standard... They're only guys who are looking for different things who may or may not be honest with you.

If you want to find your One, it might be wise to take enough time getting to know him so when he says "I think you're The One" you know (as much as you can know) that he means it and it's not just some line he's feeding you.

Even a submissive could...

In a recent thread on Fet about the best way for a D-type to approach a prospective partner (which was actually a pretty good thread and I'll include a link at the bottom) this little gem popped up:

"They just assumed that I must be a sub, most likely because I'm female, and started giving me orders. Even a submissive would see that behavior as rude."

And the Submissive Stereotype strikes again.

Thankfully, another member of that particular group took exception to that last sentence and responded to point out how insulting and condescending it was, which saved me from a potential ban hammering- But I've been thinking about it for a few days and wondering why it is that some folks seem to think we're incapable of recognizing what is and is not acceptable social behavior from our peers.

I mean most of us operate in the real world (AKA Meat Space). We walk on its streets, go to work there, visit friends and family, attend social gatherings... We know how to behave and what behavior is Ok from other people. A great many of us learn about that stuff from the time we're little and our folks start saying things like "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." We all know how to treat other people and how other people should treat us.

So why does this belief exist that submissives are so clueless that it would take a rather stunning display of ill manners to "get it"?

And I thought and I thought and then I felt like an idiot because the answer was so blatantly obvious and staring me in the face all along...

You just have to look at K&P on Fet to see where this belief comes from.

Or you just have to click on any picture of a pretty submissive female with a body that masses generally find attractive to see it- The rudeness, the lack of manners, the failure to abide by even the laxest social mores... And the positive responses from the pictured submissive that these ill words garner, or the lack of response to the ill words. And the lack of D-types standing up to inform the inept ones that, no, this isn't the way to treat someone who hasn't consented to that behavior.

The actions, or lack of action, of some submissives and dominants (not all, a good many of us don't have any problem pointing out when a D-type is using his title for an excuse to be a jackass) contribute to the stereotype. We as a group have created this paradigm, by not saying to the jackasses, "If you wouldn't say that to your best friend's sister, you shouldn't be saying it to me." (or something along those lines)

Too many of us don't stand up for ourselves or each other, and when we do we get an earful (or screen full as the case may be) of how "untrue" we are, because (obviously) submissives are supposed to put up with any filth that some random stranger decides to spew in their general direction. Submissives like that shit. And dominants can say whatever the hell they want to any random person because DOMINANT.

Sigh.

It's a nasty cycle that too many people contribute to and too few try to stop- More of us (on BOTH sides of the slash) could do something about it if we made an effort.

Even a submissive can see that.