You might not be ready to take on being a dominant/top if you cannot own the responsibility that comes with your privilege.
Fair enough, but what responsibility is that exactly? Isn't that something to be determined by all parties involved in a scene or relationship? I mean, not everybody wants to assume the same amount of responsibility for another person, right? I know that Cookie certainly wouldn't want to have 100% responsibility for my actions or feelings or whatever.
And privilege? Seriously? It's a relationship between two (or more) people that requires work on all their parts. Hopefully BOTH parties feel that it's a privilege to be in a relationship with the other person.
There is something very evil about a person who violates the consent of a bottom. It isn’t right to violate anyone’s consent, of course. Ever. But there is something much more callous, sick, and cowardly about violating a bottom’s consent, and here is why:
Erm... NO.
Violating someone's consent or trust is pretty much all around, equally horrible.
You want to talk about evil? Let's talk about the people who abuse the small helpless things entrusted to their care. Abusing something helpless is about as evil as it gets.
When a parent abuses a child, it is never the child’s fault
Now, I am not saying that BDSM is like the parent/child dynamic in all ways. Nor am I saying that bottoms are like children. However, the reason why it is never the child’s fault when a parent abuses or neglects the child is because the parent has taken on responsibility for the child’s life, and the child is in a vulnerable and delicate place.
Like this, in a scene, a bottom has trusted you to take care of them -- for a short while. Or for the duration of a relationship, if you have an on-going D/s dynamic.
Um, what?
You're equating consent violations (all of them, even the accidental sorts) with child abuse? This is starting to reek of a strawman argument. It's quite hyperbolic.
There is a world of difference between a child, who really is a helpless being and an adult person who ought to be able to take responsibility for their own well-being and safety. And who, by the by, is capable of leaving. A kid can't just up and go when they feel unsafe, and adult can.
Sex/play is a vulnerable situation to begin with. Compound that with taking the bottom role, and the bottom is in a place of needing a top who can step up to the responsibility. A relationship requires placing a lot of trust in someone, but a D/s relationship requires even more trust.
Poppycock.
BDSM requires no more trust than any other relationship. Do you trust your vanilla partner not to harm you? There you go. Same level of trust, right there.
When in bondage, a bottom does not have an ability to fight back physically (or it is very hampered, depending how secure your bondage is).
And this is why safe words, safe signals, or plain English communication of a problem are vital. If someone cannot safe word, safe signal, or use plain English to communicate that they are in trouble they should NOT be playing unless the top or dominant has been made aware of these issues and has specifically consented to the extra responsibility these issues will require.
Also- If you're concerned about needing to be able to fight back because you're not sure you'll be safe? Don't play with that person.
During a pain play scene, your bottom is trusting you to hurt them but do no harm, to know what you are doing, to not use the pain and endorphins raised to take advantage or manipulate. During a D/s (power exchange) dynamic, even if it is only for a few hours, your bottom is trusting you to make the best decisions for them and to be able to follow your instructions.
And none of that means that they are suddenly rendered incapable of making wise decisions or taking responsibility for their own well being.
Also- Trusting someone else to make sound decisions does not equal abdicating responsibility for your own well being. Trust all you want, but when things go south you NEED to be able to stop play or end the relationship or at the very least have a conversation about any concern you may have.
For this reason, and this reason only, it is the top’s job to own 100% of the responsibility of the scene, always.
Bullshit.
It is NEVER anybody else's responsibility to care more for your own safety than you do. EVER.
That's about as stupid as saying "Sure, go swerve all over the highway at 80 miles an hour- Everybody else should be looking out for you so don't worry about looking out for yourself."
Gah!
Now, that doesn’t mean the bottom can’t step up and choose to own some of the responsibility themselves. And it’s wonderful when they do. But if the bottom cannot, or will not, the top must be willing to do so.
Again, bullshit.
If the bottom cannot or will not take responsibility for their own safety the top always has the ability to not consent to play with that person, because that person is a danger to themselves and others.
Like, it’s wonderful IF a young child is capable to make lunch or dinner a few times per week, but if the child can’t do that then the parent can’t let them go hungry those days. It’s wonderful if a young child can clean their own bedroom, but if they aren’t very good at it or don’t know how, the parent can’t go “wellp that’s YOUR bedroom” and leave rotting food and piles of junk everywhere.
The difference between a child and a responsible adult? An adult IS responsible for their own actions or lack thereof, there is no "if" here. By the time you're playing grown-up games, IF you can't act like a grown-up, DONT PLAY. It's pretty simple.
As the top, you must do your best to anticipate every possible thing that could go wrong with a scene and to own any mistakes you make.
And a bottom should be thinking about these things as well, what with them being an adult and all.
Additionally, it is at the sole discretion of the bottom to decide when their limits have been violated. The bottom is the one who sets the limits in play, and therefore, they are the only one who can judge when they have been trespassed.
Are we talking about intentional "I said X was a limit and they did X anyways" malicious consent violations?
Or are we talking about "I said X was ok but then I felt icky"
Or "I said X was a limit, but they forgot and did X"
Or "We didn't talk about X, they didn't know it was a limit and neither did I, but X happened and I feel icky"
Consent violations are one thing, accidents, miscommunication, bad luck, unexpected triggers, etc are a whole different kettle of fish- It might have been a good idea to point that out. Not every icky feeling, accident, of miscommunication is a consent violation
If a bottom tells you their limits have been violated, that doesn’t mean you have done anything intentionally, but that does not negate your responsibility in the situation.
Erm... If it's unintentional, where' the responsibility beyond saying "I'm sorry you feel that way"?
You must own this, like anything else that goes wrong in your scene. You must say, “Thank you so much for telling me. What do you want me to do, now? Do you need space, or want me to be involved in your recovery process? Do you feel comfortable to tell me how I should have handled things better?”
OR, much more logically you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. What can you do and what can I do to ensure that this does not happen again?" Because assuming the responsibility for the bottom's feelings will not actually solve the problem, asking the bottom if there is something that they can do to actively help themselves will have far more value than encouraging them to continue to abdicate responsibility for their feelings.
You will feel like shit, by the way. You will feel like you just kicked a puppy. Your heart will sink and you will feel like defending yourself. You have to control these immature responses, though, and remind yourself: I am the top. It is my job to own this, and do what I need to fix this. I am lucky that my bottom trusted me enough to tell me what I did wrong, so I have an opportunity to fix it and improve myself.
And where's the bottom's responsibility? If they did something to contribute to the fuck-up (like not safe word, or agree to something they were unsure of, or having a bad reaction to something they previously enjoyed, etc), how does it help them to assume all of the responsibility for their feelings?
It doesn't.
Maybe you did not mean to do it, but that does not absolve you of your duties. Intention means nothing, nothing at all. If you accidentally step over someone’s boundaries due to ignorance, negligence, or forgetfulness, you still have done harm to that person and you have an obligation to acknowledge that.
To acknowledge it? Yes.
To take responsibility for it no matter what the circumstances? No.
If you cannot do this -- if you cannot handle the responsibility of being a top, do not top.
If you cannot do this-- if you cannot take responsibility for your own well being and safety as a bottom, DO NOT bottom.
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And I'm sorry folks, but Every time one of these "Hey s-types and bottoms, it's perfectly A-OK for you to not take any responsibility for your role in a scene that accidentally went bad because the d-type should always be more responsible for your safety than you are" posts, it annoys the ever loving fuck out of me. I get all RAWR and ranty.
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