I'm confused.
Seriously. I'm sitting on my couch scratching my head and having a "whatha?" moment... Or hour, because I've been turning this thing over for close to an hour now, trying to make sense of it. Hell, every time I see it happen I try to make sense of it and I just can't.
And I know right now that no matter how carefully I word this it's not going to come out quite right- Apologies for that in advance.
Also- This may be triggery for some folks. I'm going to write about rape.
Ok, so here's the thing that's bugging me:
If you go somewhere, like a bar at night, you pretty much know that there's a risk-
Someone might try to mug you as you walk to your car or walk home.
Someone might steal your purse or wallet in the crowd.
You might get too inebriated to drive safely...
Shit happens and we all know that it happens, we're not dummies.
So, we do things to mitigate those risks. We go to the bar with a designated driver, money for a cab, and a herd of friends to keep an eye out for the muggers and purse-wallet snatchers. And if we have to walk home or to our car we try to be aware of our surroundings, we might drink less to help us remain more alert to potential threats. It's just common sense. Bad shit happens, we do what we can to avoid it. Better safe than sorry.
Nobody gets rabid over the idea that if you go to the bar, your shit might get stolen, so you should watch out for yourself or have friends around to watch out for each other. Right?
Replace mugging with rape though and the entire internet goes batshit crazy.
That's the thing I don't understand: When someone suggests that there are things a person can do to mitigate risk, common sense things that are often used to mitigate risk for other bad shit, folks go nuts.
They throw screaming fits at the mere idea that a person (most commonly a woman) should even think about risk or need to employ tactics to mitigate those risks...
I don't understand the difference.
Risk- We all know that walking down a dark alley at night, alone, is a bad idea. Muggers hide in dark alleys at night.
Solution- Don't walk alone in dark alleys at night.
The internet nods its collective head in understanding.
Risk- We all know that walking down a dark alley at night, alone, is a bad idea. Rapists hide in dark alleys at night.
Solution- Don't walk alone in dark alleys at night.
The internet pitches a fit.
"A woman has a right to walk down a dark alley at night, alone, without getting raped!"
"You're a rape apologist for suggesting that it's a woman's fault if she's raped while walking down a dark alley at night!"
"I shouldn't have to avoid dark alleys at night! You're an ass for suggesting that I should! Ass!"
"In a perfect world dark alleys would be safe."
In the second scenario there's no blame, there's no suggestion that the rapist is in the right or the victim did something wrong, there's just a statement of fact (a certain place has the potential to be dangerous) and a solution (avoid that place).
We all know that there are certain situations where we're more vulnerable to violence or bad shit happening, where every single person on the face of the planet no matter what their gender faces a greater risk, we all accept that there are things we can do to decrease our risk... So why in this one instance, when there is a risk and people try to discuss how to decrease risk, is it such a terrible thing?
Hell, we give the same suggestions in the Kinkyverse (because shady Doms are shady) that are often heard in rape avoidance advice:
Don't meet a new person alone. Take a friend or meet somewhere public.
Don't play with someone you don't trust or who doesn't come with glowing references from someone you do trust.
Don't move too fast, take your time, get to know the person you want to play or have a relationship with.
Don't drink and play, alcohol screws with your nervous system and you could get hurt.
And everybody accepts that advice as solid common sense because it is.
I really don't understand why having a conversation geared towards trying to mitigate risk in situations that can be dangerous is ever a bad thing.
"Drinking too much decreases your ability to recognize danger."
"Drinking too much may make you an easy target."
"Drinking too much affects your ability to protect yourself."
Applied to mugging- That's cool. We'll just drink less and not give muggers an easy target.
Applied to rape- "OMG! Are you suggesting she deserved it if she drank too much? Are you saying it's OK for someone to rape her? Are you, are you, are you??? You suck!"
What makes one thing different from the other? It's the same idea no matter what the risk- Drink less, lower your risk of being targeted for violence. No blame, no fault, just a statement based on facts that can be used to increase personal safety in a shitty world.
Why don't people want that conversation to happen?
We discuss safety in other potentially dangerous situations like rational adults- What's different about this discussion? Seriously, what's different?
If you offer tips on decreasing the chance of a home invasion happening- Lock your doors and windows, leave a light on, buy an alarm system and/or a big dog with a big bark- Nobody comes along and starts screaming that you're blaming the victims of home invasion if they haven't taken these precautions. Nobody accuses you of supporting burglary by offering tips to avoid having your home burgled. Nobody suggests that you're making excuses for the burglar.
No, we nod in understanding, lock our doors, leave a light on, and adopt a dog. We recognize the risk and make moves to mitigate the risk.
And this is why my mind has been boggling for the past hour or so.
Can someone help me understand why discussing safety in this context is so damn horrible?
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