Having evaded the stupid-girl-squishy-shit hive mind, I tend to get annoyed by the "all chicks dig this shit!" posts. I deal with that be exuding snark from my pores to provide a protective barrier between myself and the stupid shit. Part of the exuding process is writing...
1. Touch her waist.
Don't touch my waist, I will punch you. Touch my hip, my back, grab my ass... But FFS, leave my waist out of it.
2. Actually talk to her.
As opposed to just talking to me. The "actually" bit makes it seem much more Real & True doesn't it? Or stupid. It might make the statement sound more stupid. Kind of like saying, "Don't kiss her, actually kiss her." WTF?
3. Share secrets with her.
Or don't. I respect your need to have some things remain private.
4. Give her your jacket.
It's 31 degrees out, it's not that cold yet. You'll be fine without it. Seriously, hand that shit over, I'm cold and so brainless that I couldn't remember that I need to own a coat in the winter.
5. Kiss her slowly.
Like in that scene from "AAaaAargh, Zombies!" That would totally make me moist in my shame-shame.
Are you remembering this? (You don't have to. There won't be a quiz. Unless there is)
6. Hug her.
Sometimes I like being hugged, sometimes I don't. To avoid that whole punching thing, it's best to find out in advance how I feel about being hugged.
7. Hold her.
Unless I'm sleeping, eating, on the potty, doing something, or ill. Don't hold me then. As with hugging, pre-approval is the safest course of action here.
8. Laugh with her.
But only if I say something funny. If you just start laughing randomly that's going to creep me out and possibly alarm me. I might punch you.
9. Invite her somewhere.
"Hey, want to go visit the local dump?"
"No."
"Somewhere" isn't very specific, now is it?
10. Hangout with her and your friends together.
Please don't. Your friends are nice and all, but you all tend to talk about shit I have no interest in. I'm totally cool with you having alone-time with your pals.
KEEP READING (I understand if you don't want to though)
11. Smile with her.
Yes. The idea of you grinning maniacally whenever I smile isn't creepy at all.
12. Take pictures with her.
Pass. I am not photogenic, I do not like being photographed.
13. Pull her onto your lap.
And be squished by my gigantic bum of doom.
14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back.
What the hell is this? 10th grade? Who says that shit? I don't.
15. When her friends say i love her more than you, deny it. fight back and
hug her tight so she can't get to her friends. it makes her feel loved.
A) My friends don't say stupid shit like this because, not in high school.
B) If you try to prevent me from going somewhere that punching thing will happen.
C) God, this is some stupid shit.
Are you thinking of someone? (I was all by myself, no one was looking, I was thinking of you...)
16. Always hug her and say I love you whenever you see her.
You see me ALL THE TIME. I'm not that needy nor am I stupid, I know you love me. I don't have to hear it every two minutes.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly.
E gads no... We did that once, remember? We've got the matching chipped teeth to show for that brilliant idea.
18. Hug her from behind around the waist.
Did the person who wrote this drivel have a waist fetish? No. Just, no.
19. Tell her she's beautiful.
Because I'm so insecure that I need to hear it from you? Nope. I know I'm the hottest thing since a freshly microwaved Hot Pocket (Hot on the outside, with a frozen heart. Muahahahahaha!).
20. Tell her the way you feel about her.
Shouldn't that be pretty obvious if you're already telling me that you love me every two minutes?
One last thing you need to do to show her you actually do mean it. (Mean what?)
21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car- it makes her feel protected,
plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman.
It does not make me feel protected, but it does make me feel like you were not raised in a barn by feral cats. So that's a plus.
22. Tell her she's your everything - only if you mean it.
Don't. I have no desire to be your everything because that would indicate a few unpleasant things- That you're really effing lame, that you don't have a life and desperately need one, that you're really rather shallow, and that your idea of "everything" is quite limited.
*23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her- if she denies
something being wrong, it means SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT- so just hug her*
No. I'm an adult woman who knows how to use her words. If something is wrong, I will tell you. If I need a hug, I will also tell you that. So "just" don't anything.
24. Make her feel loved.
You know, this list would be about a quarter of the length it is now if all the "tell her, make her feel, do, say, blahblahblah, love" crap was deleted.
25-kiss her in front of OTHER girls you know!!!!
Yeah, because I'm that insecure that I need you to put on a pissing contest for my benefit.
KEEP READING!! (I'd really rather you didn't)
26-don't lie to HER.
Unless you need to in order to be all stealthy about a surprise, or if those pants do make my ass look big, or if you really can't stand my family... There are things I don't mind you fudging the facts on.
27-DON'T cheat on her.
Ok, so I do agree with this one, but you know that... Kinda sad though that it got a mention here like most guys are too dumb to figure that out on their own or something.
28-take her ANYWHERE she wants
I want to go to the Bahamas. Now. Well, what are you waiting for? What do you mean we have to pay bills and get the car fixed and Xmas is coming up and the kids need gifts. The list says "anywhere" so hop to it!
*29-txt messege or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at work {or school}, and how much you MISS her.*
We live together. You can feel free to skip this one. Also: Not a fan of being woken up via text.
*30-be there for her when ever she needs you, & even when she doesn't need you, just be there so she'll know that she can ALWAYS count on you.*
What the? yeah, just hang around me ALL THE TIME so I know that you'll always be lurking somewhere nearby, just in case... Not creepy at all.
ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? YOU BETTER BECAUSE, IT'S IMPORTANT (or it's a steaming pile of dogshit written by some super lame herd of high school girls)
31. Hold her close when she's cold so she can hold YOU too.
Being a grown up person, I own a heating blanket, clothes, and other warm fuzzy things. If I'm cold I'll use them... Plus, the way you squeal like a stuck pig when I accidentally touch you with my icy appendages is somewhat alarming. I don't like it.
32. When you are ALONE hold her close and kiss her.
Sheesh. According to this thing you should just krazy glue yourself to my side. Clingy much, high school girls?
*33. Kiss her on the CHEEK; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her).*
I don't need a fucking hint. I'm not stupid.
*34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her LIGHTLY.*
If I've just spent a crap ton of cash to watch a movie I want to WATCH THE MOVIE. So, don't. Also: This is weirdly specific.
*35. Dont EVER tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you're mad. If shes upset, comfort her.*
Yes, shield my weak girl feelers from any unpleasant emotions you might be experiencing because I'm too fragile to handle that shit like an adult. That's healthy.
REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS WHEN YOU ARE WITH HER NEXT (So, like every day because we're married)
36. When people DISS her, stand up for her.
Or just have my back. I'm capable of fighting my own battles.
37. Look deep into her EYES and tell her you love her.
Yeah, do it! I can totally hypnotize you without you being aware of it. Look deep into my eyes... You want to take me to Bermuda...
*38. Lay down under the STARS and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, Link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you.*
Wait. Am I supposed to be listening to your heart or your man-talk here? I'm confused... How about we do neither and I'll just look at the stars along with you.
39. When walking next to each other grab her HAND.
Unless you're on the wrong side. That just feels weird. Like, seriously weird.
40. When you hug her HOLD her in your arms as long as possible
Until I punch you to regain my freedom.
MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED (by not doing any of the insipid shit in this imbecilic list)
41. Call or text her at night to wish her SWEET DREAMS
We live together.
42. COMFORT her when she cries and wipe away her tears.
Or hand me a Kleenex. Or a napkin. Hell, even a paper towel will work. I stopped needing my face to be wiped off when I was 5.
43. Take her for LONG walks at night.
No. I am not a dog. Do not take me for walks.
4. ALWAYS Remind her how much you love her.
For the love of all that's good and fluffy! Haven't I seen this demand at least 6 times already?
*45. sit on top of her and tell her how much u love her and then bend down to her face and kiss her while sitting on her.*
Yes, because nothing says "I love you" quite like being forcibly restrained without my consent... FFS.
Effing stupid shit.
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