The other day Cookie and I were skulking around our not-so-local sex toy store because we have a great big wad of cash and felt a burning need to blow some of it on sexy-time stuff. Good times.
In the course of our consumerist frenzy though something of interest happened- Cookie called me a "bad sub" one time too many and I replied, "Well, submission doesn't exist in a vacuum, dear."
Oops.
I knew as soon as I said it, that it sounded bad. Like he wasn't doing enough as a Dom, that I was unhappy, other assorted not-so-good things implied... Thing is, it's not like that at all.
It's just... Well, we've never really talked about what's important to him. I've tried asking him a few times, but I guess it didn't stick so I've been guessing and basing my actions off things he's said.
His Ex spent him into bankruptcy? Ok, he can control the finances.
His Ex was always doing shit, buying shit, reorganizing the house without his input? Great! I can ask for his input.
He's said, "I like a struggle, it makes me feel powerful when I win"... Excellent. I can struggle and lose like a pro.
But he's never said, "Squeaky, this is what I want."
To be fair, I've never said it either.
So we tried to talk about it in the car ride home, I said, "What is important to you?"
He answered, "I don't know. What's important to you?"
And we reached an impasse.
Because the thing is, it's not really something I've thought about.
I don't mind him managing the finances, he's better at it than me. I don't mind asking for his input. But those "I don't mind" things aren't really important, are they?
I know for a long while that I'm not the sort of person who does well without direction. Left to my own devices I'll play Kongregate games for 10 hours and to hell with the dishes, or laundry, or brushing the dog... I'd probably do better with a few more rules that what we have.
I don't know how effective rules will be though, because I kind of have a problem with authority. In fact, my entire life I've thumbed my nose at it and broken rules because, well, why not?
No. I don't think that will work at all. I really do need to know what's important to him because that is what's important to me. On my own I have the fantasy-in-my-head shit that gets me off, but that stuff won't work in real life, and there's nothing I really really want, other than some active input from him so I know what to do.
Which makes me wonder if that's really very odd or something. I read about submissives who have all these specific wants for their dynamic- And I just don't have any. Other than not being in charge, and contributing to his happiness.
Maybe those are my important things?
But they're so vague.
I don't know (fancy that, something I don't know about).
Which is why I've asked him to bring home some beer tonight as it tends to help the thinking business along, or more accurately, the sharing of the thinking business.
Meh.
I'm just thinking out loud here, trying to organize my thoughts. Hell, trying to form some thoughts.
Sorry about the brain spew, guys.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Dumping a D-type: Specific Rules & Regulations
It's an age-old story (or one that's just as old as the internet)-
Sub meets Dom.
Sub and Dom make an attachment.
Sub and Dom play and figure out they're just not compatible (or he's an ass, or she's an ass, or...)
Point is, someone wants out.
Wants to call it quits, the end, finis.
Thanks to poorly written erotica, fantasy-based play, and a whole shit-ton of stupid on the internet and in the community, some folks get the idea that a person (most often the s-type) can't just say "Hey, this isn't working for me. I think it's time to move on" and go.
Nope.
Folks had to complicate the hell out of something most of us have been doing since high school.
Why? Probably because it plays into the fantasy of D/s or M/s, that the s-type can't just end a relationship because she (or he) belongs to the D-type. Someone who's owned can't just cut and run like they could in a vanilla relationship.
And really? I don't care. If two or more folks want to abide by arbitrary rules developed by Dog Only Knows Who, apply them to their relationship or the ending of their relationship... More power to them, you know? Whatever floats their kinky little boats.
I do start to care, however, when these arbitrary rules get quoted to someone who wants out or perhaps needs to be out and puts their emotional or physical well-being in danger.
A few years ago I saw a post about a woman who was in an obviously abusive relationship and was wondering if she could leave the ass who was harming her. Sadly, I've seen quite a few of those so it wasn't as disturbing as it should be. What was disturbing was a woman who came along and started quoting The One True And Real Way's Guide To Disolving A BDSM Relationship.
She said that the submissive couldn't just leave, because she was "owned" and all.
She said that the submissive would have to beg to be released, and if she wasn't released- Well, too bad so sad.
She said it was up to the D-type (abuser) to decide if he wanted to let the submissive go.
Understandably, that response cause a shit-storm in the group and that member (and her misguided "helpful" advice were never heard from again). Which would be great if there wasn't always someone else willing to "helpfully" offer similar advice whenever a submissive asks how to end a relationship with her Domly Partner...
Hence this bloggy thing.
The fantasy is fun. It can really help set the mood, get you and your partner in the right mindset, and can contribute positively to the relationship- While the relationship is still worth having.
Once you're done with the relationship though, for whatever reason? The fantasy needs to end as well, and despite what The One True And Real Guide may say about the matter- Ending the relationship is as easy as saying "It's over."
If you want to go through the rigmarole of "begging For Release" because you think it might provide some closure, that's your call. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
If you want to wait for your partner to say, "OK, I agree, it's over" because you think it might provide them with some closure, also your call. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
There are no rules and regulations about breaking up in a BDSM type of relationship unless YOU WANT TO USE THEM.
And if you do use them but the D-type says that they won't release you? It doesn't matter. You can still go on your merry way for a few reasons:
A) Slavery is illegal in the USA and a great many other nations.
B) Holding someone against their will is illegal in the USA and a great many other nations.
C) Forcing someone to participate in sexual activities they don't consent to is illegal in the USA and a great many other nations.
So unless they want to face court time and jail time... There's not a fat lot that a D-type can do to make you remain in a relationship you no longer consent to being in, other than breaking a few laws and paying for it eventually.
Reality (and the legal system system) trump fantasy every time.
As usual, YMMV. My opinion only. Do what works for you as long as it works for you.
Sub meets Dom.
Sub and Dom make an attachment.
Sub and Dom play and figure out they're just not compatible (or he's an ass, or she's an ass, or...)
Point is, someone wants out.
Wants to call it quits, the end, finis.
Thanks to poorly written erotica, fantasy-based play, and a whole shit-ton of stupid on the internet and in the community, some folks get the idea that a person (most often the s-type) can't just say "Hey, this isn't working for me. I think it's time to move on" and go.
Nope.
Folks had to complicate the hell out of something most of us have been doing since high school.
Why? Probably because it plays into the fantasy of D/s or M/s, that the s-type can't just end a relationship because she (or he) belongs to the D-type. Someone who's owned can't just cut and run like they could in a vanilla relationship.
And really? I don't care. If two or more folks want to abide by arbitrary rules developed by Dog Only Knows Who, apply them to their relationship or the ending of their relationship... More power to them, you know? Whatever floats their kinky little boats.
I do start to care, however, when these arbitrary rules get quoted to someone who wants out or perhaps needs to be out and puts their emotional or physical well-being in danger.
A few years ago I saw a post about a woman who was in an obviously abusive relationship and was wondering if she could leave the ass who was harming her. Sadly, I've seen quite a few of those so it wasn't as disturbing as it should be. What was disturbing was a woman who came along and started quoting The One True And Real Way's Guide To Disolving A BDSM Relationship.
She said that the submissive couldn't just leave, because she was "owned" and all.
She said that the submissive would have to beg to be released, and if she wasn't released- Well, too bad so sad.
She said it was up to the D-type (abuser) to decide if he wanted to let the submissive go.
Understandably, that response cause a shit-storm in the group and that member (and her misguided "helpful" advice were never heard from again). Which would be great if there wasn't always someone else willing to "helpfully" offer similar advice whenever a submissive asks how to end a relationship with her Domly Partner...
Hence this bloggy thing.
The fantasy is fun. It can really help set the mood, get you and your partner in the right mindset, and can contribute positively to the relationship- While the relationship is still worth having.
Once you're done with the relationship though, for whatever reason? The fantasy needs to end as well, and despite what The One True And Real Guide may say about the matter- Ending the relationship is as easy as saying "It's over."
If you want to go through the rigmarole of "begging For Release" because you think it might provide some closure, that's your call. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
If you want to wait for your partner to say, "OK, I agree, it's over" because you think it might provide them with some closure, also your call. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
There are no rules and regulations about breaking up in a BDSM type of relationship unless YOU WANT TO USE THEM.
And if you do use them but the D-type says that they won't release you? It doesn't matter. You can still go on your merry way for a few reasons:
A) Slavery is illegal in the USA and a great many other nations.
B) Holding someone against their will is illegal in the USA and a great many other nations.
C) Forcing someone to participate in sexual activities they don't consent to is illegal in the USA and a great many other nations.
So unless they want to face court time and jail time... There's not a fat lot that a D-type can do to make you remain in a relationship you no longer consent to being in, other than breaking a few laws and paying for it eventually.
Reality (and the legal system system) trump fantasy every time.
As usual, YMMV. My opinion only. Do what works for you as long as it works for you.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Shakespeare And BDSM (Two Seemingly Unrelated Topics That Aren't)
I'm going to quote Shakespeare here in a minute, not to show off my insane love of books or to showcase what a pretentious twat I am, but because it's an excellent quote that I feel can save people from a lot of the angst that can accompany doing something outside the norm- Something many people consider bad, or dark, or any of a hundred different negative adjectives that are often applied to WIITWD.
"For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
(That's Hamlet, yo)
It's a thought-provoking idea- That everything that exists does so in a neutral state, neither good or bad, until we apply our social constructs, prejudices, preferences, morals or ethics to it... It's not good or bad until we think it is.
Sadly for kink (and for a lot of other things in our lives) our thoughts about it begin to form long before we're aware that it's something we may be interested in later on in life. Society, our family, the media, they all influence our perceptions of a thing and inform us if that thing is good or bad. They essentially do our thinking for us.
By the time we're adults this influence has informed us that BDSM is bad. It's immoral, unethical, dark, dangerous, wrong, shameful... You get the point, I'm sure.
For some folks that's OK because they get off on the notion that they're doing something forbidden, they embrace the negative and revel in how "dark" they are, they enjoy the FU Society aspect of it, the "bad" label is what does it for them- It's the major draw.
But for other folks, this programming causes a great deal of angst. I see it on a daily basis in my meanderings though the Kinkyverse- Nice people who feel pretty rotten about themselves for having a body that likes pain or bondage, or a mind that enjoys submission (or domination), humiliation, etc.
They question how they can reconcile the nice person that they are and the "bad" things they want to do.
Enter Shakespeare's quote (stage left)- For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
Realizing that these thoughts are nothing more than societal programming, and that you can actively change how you think about things, is an astounding thing that can solve this conundrum (and a great many other conundrums). Society (or your family, the media, et al) may have told you that this thing is bad- But you obviously have other thoughts on the matter. If you think it's good, it's fulfilling, and it brings you some amount of happiness... That's the thinking that should matter. Your thoughts are what matter.
Kink in itself is neither good or bad. It's neutral.
If you think it's good, then it is, and damn what anybody else thinks you should think.
Except Shakespeare. He was spot on in this instance.
"For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
(That's Hamlet, yo)
It's a thought-provoking idea- That everything that exists does so in a neutral state, neither good or bad, until we apply our social constructs, prejudices, preferences, morals or ethics to it... It's not good or bad until we think it is.
Sadly for kink (and for a lot of other things in our lives) our thoughts about it begin to form long before we're aware that it's something we may be interested in later on in life. Society, our family, the media, they all influence our perceptions of a thing and inform us if that thing is good or bad. They essentially do our thinking for us.
By the time we're adults this influence has informed us that BDSM is bad. It's immoral, unethical, dark, dangerous, wrong, shameful... You get the point, I'm sure.
For some folks that's OK because they get off on the notion that they're doing something forbidden, they embrace the negative and revel in how "dark" they are, they enjoy the FU Society aspect of it, the "bad" label is what does it for them- It's the major draw.
But for other folks, this programming causes a great deal of angst. I see it on a daily basis in my meanderings though the Kinkyverse- Nice people who feel pretty rotten about themselves for having a body that likes pain or bondage, or a mind that enjoys submission (or domination), humiliation, etc.
They question how they can reconcile the nice person that they are and the "bad" things they want to do.
Enter Shakespeare's quote (stage left)- For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
Realizing that these thoughts are nothing more than societal programming, and that you can actively change how you think about things, is an astounding thing that can solve this conundrum (and a great many other conundrums). Society (or your family, the media, et al) may have told you that this thing is bad- But you obviously have other thoughts on the matter. If you think it's good, it's fulfilling, and it brings you some amount of happiness... That's the thinking that should matter. Your thoughts are what matter.
Kink in itself is neither good or bad. It's neutral.
If you think it's good, then it is, and damn what anybody else thinks you should think.
Except Shakespeare. He was spot on in this instance.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
A little rant about the affordability of the Affordable Care Act.
I'm sorry to interrupt my usual ranting about stupid kinksters with a political rant, but the 75 recent posts on my Facebook page about how insanely wonderful "Obamacare" was have put me over the edge.
I think it was last November when I first looked at the page for the new Affordable Health Insurance. Like a lot of Americans I had been hearing really great things about it and I was rather excited by the thought that Cookie and I might finally be able to get health insurance- I'd been without since my Ex and I divorced (and had racked up a 25K hospital bill for something that appeared to be appendicitis but wasn't), and Cookie hadn't had insurance since he fell off his parent's policy when he turned 18... In 1997.
I'd also heard some not-so-good things, but I'm an optimistic idiot sometimes. I wanted ACA to be a good thing because it could be a good thing, and my first visit to the website excited me- It informed me that because of what Cookie earned we would qualify for a $255/mo credit to use towards our health insurance and with that credit we could buy Blue Cross insurance for $137 dollars per month.
$137 a month! For two people! Awesome!
Alright, maybe not so awesome... That $137 would have to come from somewhere, and although we do alright money-wise, it's not like we have an extra $137 lying around every month that we can use to pay for something else. My car insurance would have to go- But that was OK. I didn't drive much anyways, plenty of people did just fine in a one car household, and if I wanted to put a really positive spin on it- It would really be good for The Diet if I couldn't just zip up to Kroger every time I got a sweet tooth and it would reduce my carbon footprint. I could be skinnier AND green!
Enter some procrastination and we finally got around to signing up in January. Or we tried to.
The website had a shit fit because Cookie's regular pay (which is what they base your tax credit off) and he gross salary were quite a bit different due to him working quite a bit of overtime. It had another fit because I didn't enter my SSN into one field (but did enter it at another part of the application) so the government thought I wasn't an American or something...
We had to sort that mess out.
It was finally March before we could complete the application and actually see the information regarding the plans we could pick... Suffice to say, we were not happy campers.
But we had no choice really- ACA was law, if we didn't enroll we'd end up having to pay fines, so we picked the cheapest plan we could (the afore mentioned Blue Cross bronze plan for $137 a month) and somehow convinced ourselves that we were not being hosed by the government and Blue Cross and somehow ACA would be as great as it was supposed to be... You know, making health care affordable for those of us would couldn't previously afford to buy insurance.
And then the Blue Cross Member Handbook came in the mail.
Confused, I scratched my noggin and called my mom. She had lots of experience with health insurance so maybe she could figure out if the booklet wasn't telling me what I thought it was telling me.
My mom's face was priceless. She said, "This is ludicrous. Without health insurance you'd go bankrupt if something bad happened, with this insurance you'll go bankrupt just trying to see a doctor AND if something bad happens."
You see, the deductible and the out-of-pocket expenses when you can only afford the Bronze plan are a bit steep...
They're both in the ballpark of $12,000... And I don't know about you, but I don't have 12K just sitting around waiting to be used in case I get sick.
And the way our policy is worded- Our insurance doesn't pay a co-pay for doctor or hospital visits until after we spend TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS on medical care.
$30 co-pay to visit the doctor... AFTER deductible. So if an office visit costs $80, we have to pay that $80 until we've spent $11,900... THEN it's only $30. I don't know about you, but I can't really afford to throw $80 at the Doctor every time I think I need to go see him (or her). And Dog forbid that I need to see a specialist or that we reproduce.
Then there's trips to the ER. A $250 co-pay AFTER deductible? Fat lot of good that does me before the deductible is met.
Hospital stays? $500... And then for both of those I'm responsible for 40% of the bill after we reach the out-of-pocket maximum. So for my last hospital visit with a 25K bill? I'd have to pony up 12K and then 40% of 13K...
How is this "affordable"?
Sure, we can sort of afford the insurance, but we sure as hell cannot afford to actually use it.
So I bet you can see why I'm a little (or a lot) pissed. We're being forced to pay for a service that we can't use, and what's the point of having insurance if you can't afford to use it? Oh, right... The insurance companies make bank. They get to pocket that $137 a month we pay them secure in the knowledge that it's will be incredibly unlikely that we'll force them to pay out anything unless we absolutely have no option but to go to the ER (we definitely won't be going to see a doctor any time soon).
So, ACA or no ACA, we're in the same boat we have been in- A major medical issue will bankrupt us, no ifs, ands, or buts.
So what's the point?
I think it was last November when I first looked at the page for the new Affordable Health Insurance. Like a lot of Americans I had been hearing really great things about it and I was rather excited by the thought that Cookie and I might finally be able to get health insurance- I'd been without since my Ex and I divorced (and had racked up a 25K hospital bill for something that appeared to be appendicitis but wasn't), and Cookie hadn't had insurance since he fell off his parent's policy when he turned 18... In 1997.
I'd also heard some not-so-good things, but I'm an optimistic idiot sometimes. I wanted ACA to be a good thing because it could be a good thing, and my first visit to the website excited me- It informed me that because of what Cookie earned we would qualify for a $255/mo credit to use towards our health insurance and with that credit we could buy Blue Cross insurance for $137 dollars per month.
$137 a month! For two people! Awesome!
Alright, maybe not so awesome... That $137 would have to come from somewhere, and although we do alright money-wise, it's not like we have an extra $137 lying around every month that we can use to pay for something else. My car insurance would have to go- But that was OK. I didn't drive much anyways, plenty of people did just fine in a one car household, and if I wanted to put a really positive spin on it- It would really be good for The Diet if I couldn't just zip up to Kroger every time I got a sweet tooth and it would reduce my carbon footprint. I could be skinnier AND green!
Enter some procrastination and we finally got around to signing up in January. Or we tried to.
The website had a shit fit because Cookie's regular pay (which is what they base your tax credit off) and he gross salary were quite a bit different due to him working quite a bit of overtime. It had another fit because I didn't enter my SSN into one field (but did enter it at another part of the application) so the government thought I wasn't an American or something...
We had to sort that mess out.
It was finally March before we could complete the application and actually see the information regarding the plans we could pick... Suffice to say, we were not happy campers.
But we had no choice really- ACA was law, if we didn't enroll we'd end up having to pay fines, so we picked the cheapest plan we could (the afore mentioned Blue Cross bronze plan for $137 a month) and somehow convinced ourselves that we were not being hosed by the government and Blue Cross and somehow ACA would be as great as it was supposed to be... You know, making health care affordable for those of us would couldn't previously afford to buy insurance.
And then the Blue Cross Member Handbook came in the mail.
Confused, I scratched my noggin and called my mom. She had lots of experience with health insurance so maybe she could figure out if the booklet wasn't telling me what I thought it was telling me.
My mom's face was priceless. She said, "This is ludicrous. Without health insurance you'd go bankrupt if something bad happened, with this insurance you'll go bankrupt just trying to see a doctor AND if something bad happens."
You see, the deductible and the out-of-pocket expenses when you can only afford the Bronze plan are a bit steep...
They're both in the ballpark of $12,000... And I don't know about you, but I don't have 12K just sitting around waiting to be used in case I get sick.
And the way our policy is worded- Our insurance doesn't pay a co-pay for doctor or hospital visits until after we spend TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS on medical care.
$30 co-pay to visit the doctor... AFTER deductible. So if an office visit costs $80, we have to pay that $80 until we've spent $11,900... THEN it's only $30. I don't know about you, but I can't really afford to throw $80 at the Doctor every time I think I need to go see him (or her). And Dog forbid that I need to see a specialist or that we reproduce.
Then there's trips to the ER. A $250 co-pay AFTER deductible? Fat lot of good that does me before the deductible is met.
Hospital stays? $500... And then for both of those I'm responsible for 40% of the bill after we reach the out-of-pocket maximum. So for my last hospital visit with a 25K bill? I'd have to pony up 12K and then 40% of 13K...
How is this "affordable"?
Sure, we can sort of afford the insurance, but we sure as hell cannot afford to actually use it.
So I bet you can see why I'm a little (or a lot) pissed. We're being forced to pay for a service that we can't use, and what's the point of having insurance if you can't afford to use it? Oh, right... The insurance companies make bank. They get to pocket that $137 a month we pay them secure in the knowledge that it's will be incredibly unlikely that we'll force them to pay out anything unless we absolutely have no option but to go to the ER (we definitely won't be going to see a doctor any time soon).
So, ACA or no ACA, we're in the same boat we have been in- A major medical issue will bankrupt us, no ifs, ands, or buts.
So what's the point?
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Being Parents in The Kinkyverse
Poor Cookie is sad. He's moping.
It's making me laugh.
I'm running around free and wild (no cuffs, no collar, free!), I haven't called him Lord High Bossy Man in hours, he can't walk in the door and drop trou to get an after-work BJ... He's got it rough right now and the three little reasons for that are currently camped out on the couch watching Phineas & Ferb (at decibel levels generally only experienced by people who decide to stand next to a jumbo jet when it takes off).
It's Spring Break and we've got the kids for a week.
And while I've got these little lovable hellions running amok all over our lair I figured that it would be a pretty good time to address an issue that many kinksters have to manage- Parenthood and Kink.
How to manage both things without psychologically damaging everybody involved is a pretty big question for new kinksters who have kids- You want to have a dynamic that fulfills you and your partner and you want to provide a healthy environment for the small folk... But how the hell do you do that exactly?
It's definitely a different experience when kids are around. I mean, when you're alone you don't really have to think about it much, you can do whatever you damn well please and it's awesome. You can meander around the house buck naked, scromp where ever and whenever you feel like it, leave toys scattered about at random (OK, we can't do that because we have dogs who are very fond of leather), it's not something you have to think about. It can just happen.
Enter the small people and it's a different ball game.
Our experience with Kink & Kids is as follows:
All of a sudden we're using code that the CIA would be envious of.
Cookie's saying, "Darling, could you get me a pop please?" and the kids are hearing their step dad being lovey and polite, but I'm hearing "Squeaky! Go get me a pop! Now! Do it! And quit smirking at me or as soon as the kids go back to their dad's house..."
There's just stuff you don't say around kids and the stuff you can say sometimes needs to be said in a way that sets a good example. I don't want my kids thinking that it's OK to act like manner less, barn-raised, heathens so things like "please" and "thank you" are being uttered far more often than usual. Asking nicely is trumping dictatorial demands.
And I can't really call him Lord High Bossy Man in front of them. That's just weird. It would be even more weird if he were to call me something inappropriate, so now we're Dear and Darling full-time.
Sex has become a much quieter affair.
We have a small house and I think when they built it they used tissue paper instead of drywall. I can hear a dog fart from 50 feet away and in a different room... So sex? It's like high school again when you used to make out while your partner's parents were asleep and you were half afraid that they were going to wake up and chase you off with a shotgun. Which is kind of fun in a way, but it also puts a serious damper on how energetic you can get.
And how loud you can get. I don't care if the neighbors think I'm being skinned alive and yowling for god to come save me, but I don't especially care to have my kids hear that. Or the excited chipmunk noises I make. Or Cookie's noises (ever heard a wildebeest die? It's like that. But sexy...)
Play.
What play?
I've heard that other parents manage it, but dog only knows how. They must have basements or cork-lined play rooms. Or maybe a thing for pillow fights which are a fairly quiet activity. All of our toys are currently stashed in the bedroom closet gathering dust... And I suppose we could find some creative way to play quietly, but after he works a 13 hour shift and I've spent the day chasing after the human equivalents of the Tasmanian Devil? Neither of us have the energy to get creative.
Being a parent and having a dynamic isn't something that's featured in books. It's not the stuff of sexy erotica- Can you imagine how sexy it wouldn't be if you're in the middle of getting your giggity-goo on and from the other side of the bedroom door you hear "Mooooooooom! I'm thirsty!" Or worse yet, the door opens...
It makes me glad that I'm not the custodial parent. We only have to put things on pause for a few weeks out of the year so it's not a big deal. I can't imagine how full-time parents manage to have an active dynamic AND get in some play on occasion... Though I guess that's when "date nights" and trips to Grandma's house would come in handy.
Eventually I might try to come up with a practical guide to parenting and Kink... But right now it's time to interest the small folk in something that won't rot their brain. I'm thinking Pearler Beads (a thought I will undoubtedly regret as soon as I have to spend hours picking them up off the floor).
It's making me laugh.
I'm running around free and wild (no cuffs, no collar, free!), I haven't called him Lord High Bossy Man in hours, he can't walk in the door and drop trou to get an after-work BJ... He's got it rough right now and the three little reasons for that are currently camped out on the couch watching Phineas & Ferb (at decibel levels generally only experienced by people who decide to stand next to a jumbo jet when it takes off).
It's Spring Break and we've got the kids for a week.
And while I've got these little lovable hellions running amok all over our lair I figured that it would be a pretty good time to address an issue that many kinksters have to manage- Parenthood and Kink.
How to manage both things without psychologically damaging everybody involved is a pretty big question for new kinksters who have kids- You want to have a dynamic that fulfills you and your partner and you want to provide a healthy environment for the small folk... But how the hell do you do that exactly?
It's definitely a different experience when kids are around. I mean, when you're alone you don't really have to think about it much, you can do whatever you damn well please and it's awesome. You can meander around the house buck naked, scromp where ever and whenever you feel like it, leave toys scattered about at random (OK, we can't do that because we have dogs who are very fond of leather), it's not something you have to think about. It can just happen.
Enter the small people and it's a different ball game.
Our experience with Kink & Kids is as follows:
All of a sudden we're using code that the CIA would be envious of.
Cookie's saying, "Darling, could you get me a pop please?" and the kids are hearing their step dad being lovey and polite, but I'm hearing "Squeaky! Go get me a pop! Now! Do it! And quit smirking at me or as soon as the kids go back to their dad's house..."
There's just stuff you don't say around kids and the stuff you can say sometimes needs to be said in a way that sets a good example. I don't want my kids thinking that it's OK to act like manner less, barn-raised, heathens so things like "please" and "thank you" are being uttered far more often than usual. Asking nicely is trumping dictatorial demands.
And I can't really call him Lord High Bossy Man in front of them. That's just weird. It would be even more weird if he were to call me something inappropriate, so now we're Dear and Darling full-time.
Sex has become a much quieter affair.
We have a small house and I think when they built it they used tissue paper instead of drywall. I can hear a dog fart from 50 feet away and in a different room... So sex? It's like high school again when you used to make out while your partner's parents were asleep and you were half afraid that they were going to wake up and chase you off with a shotgun. Which is kind of fun in a way, but it also puts a serious damper on how energetic you can get.
And how loud you can get. I don't care if the neighbors think I'm being skinned alive and yowling for god to come save me, but I don't especially care to have my kids hear that. Or the excited chipmunk noises I make. Or Cookie's noises (ever heard a wildebeest die? It's like that. But sexy...)
Play.
What play?
I've heard that other parents manage it, but dog only knows how. They must have basements or cork-lined play rooms. Or maybe a thing for pillow fights which are a fairly quiet activity. All of our toys are currently stashed in the bedroom closet gathering dust... And I suppose we could find some creative way to play quietly, but after he works a 13 hour shift and I've spent the day chasing after the human equivalents of the Tasmanian Devil? Neither of us have the energy to get creative.
Being a parent and having a dynamic isn't something that's featured in books. It's not the stuff of sexy erotica- Can you imagine how sexy it wouldn't be if you're in the middle of getting your giggity-goo on and from the other side of the bedroom door you hear "Mooooooooom! I'm thirsty!" Or worse yet, the door opens...
It makes me glad that I'm not the custodial parent. We only have to put things on pause for a few weeks out of the year so it's not a big deal. I can't imagine how full-time parents manage to have an active dynamic AND get in some play on occasion... Though I guess that's when "date nights" and trips to Grandma's house would come in handy.
Eventually I might try to come up with a practical guide to parenting and Kink... But right now it's time to interest the small folk in something that won't rot their brain. I'm thinking Pearler Beads (a thought I will undoubtedly regret as soon as I have to spend hours picking them up off the floor).
How To Be A Kitty Cat
Folks ask for advice all the time about how to do specific activities. Most of the time it's rather understandable- If you've never tied someone up you might be curious about how to do that activity safely, and the interwebz (and the folks using the interwebz) can be a great tool for learning how to do that new activity that you're interested in... But sometimes, it backfires.
Take this recent thread for example that I found in Novices & Newbies on Fet:
My master, wants me to be more like a kitty cat. This is the first time I am doing this. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE CONTROL ME!!! (maybe). Want are somethings to help me turn him on, and what are something he could do to be more of a master to a little tiny kitty like me. I just want to make sure my master is pleased :). So help a kitty out MEOW!!!.
O am wearing a cute outfit!!!! want can i do to seem sexier in it?
The first few respondents gave the usual advise, "Ask him what he thinks being more like a kitty cat means" and "Try joining a group for cat play" but when someone mined the poor guy's profile (that the girlfriend made for him) and learned he was vanilla (his words) and that he had absolutely no interest in kinky play... Folks decided to have fun with the thread.
And because the idea of a human being doing any (or even better, all) of the advise given on how to be a cat amused me and made me giggle, I decided to share.
Punch him in his full bladder a few hours after he's fallen asleep. When he wakes up, demand cereal.
When you want his attention, walk away from him and roll around on the floor looking adorable. When he takes the bait, you have two options:
1) Run.
2) Bite him.
Stare at him for long periods of time without blinking.
When you hear crinkly paper, get excited.
When you hear plastic bags, run and hide. When he finds you, say (very loudly) WTF IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUU.
If it's warm, sit on it.
Boxes. There's nothing you can't do with a box.
When receiving gifts, throw away the gift and be super happy about the wrapping (and/or box) that it came in.
If you're unaltered, howl like a banshee during your ovulation cycle. Make sure to walk funny and present your ass at every opportunity.
Tell him you're soooo sooo hungry and you can't wait another MINUTE without a treat. When you have the treat in front of you, let him know you've changed your mind - but you're glad he knows how to follow instructions.
When he gets up from a chair, run over and sleep in his spot.
Sleep on the bed taking up as much room as possible.
When he is almost asleep climb on his pillow above his head, head-butt him over and over until he pets you... Then bite him... Then make mud pies in his scalp, roll yourself in his hair, and don't move an inch.
Get into the catnip, then stare glassy eyed at a wall for 3 straight hours.
Vow to finally catch that abominable red dot.
Did anyone cover the entire being a creeper while the human uses the facilities?
Tip: if you get locked out of the bathroom (and thus can't creep) sharpen your nails on the door until it opens.
Stick your paws/fingers under the door, or even better, get your nose down there and try to peek under the door while mewing pitifully since the occupant must have "drownededed". When the door opens, turn away quickly and ignore said occupant.
Don't forget to watch the water go down the toilet when he flushes, and bat at his boxer/briefs when he is using the facilities.
Bat at the door to get in any room. When he lets you in, wait until he has sat back down and has started doing what he had been doing before then bat and meow at the door to get out.
If he has fish, watch them and try to get them out of the tank.
When he's in bed, sleeping, attack his feet whenever he moves them.
Perch atop tall furniture/appliances and whap his head whenever he walks by.
For absolutely no reason run wildly from one end of the house to the other multiple times, then abruptly stop and begin licking your parts.
Stalk small insects when they enter your domain. Meow piteously when you can't catch them.
Pace back and forth on the couch, making sure to step on his groin each time you pass him.
If he tries to eat something, stick your hand in it. If he tries to drink something, knock the drink onto the floor.
Knock everything onto the floor, then kill it.
Remember one sip out of your water (or in my case wine) glass means it's empty and needs to be refilled immediately. Same goes for the food.
Look in the pantry and whatever there is the most of you refuse to eat it, even if it was your absolutely favorite food last week.
Begin using a litter box- But you cannot go IN the litter box.Paw around in it and then squat beside it to do your business. Or in the bathtub.
Bring a live mouse to the door and insist on dropping it in his lap.
Soon as he puts anything in his lap, like a keyboard or a book, you must immediately climb across his lap and lie in the middle of it so he cannot work with whatever it is that has suddenly taken up that very valuable real estate.
Hiss at him and run away and hide under the bed when he comes near you with nail clippers.
Play "hockey" with hard candies in the tiled hallway at 2am. Whack that fucker hard as you can into the baseboard repeatedly for as many ricochet shots as you can get with a single swipe.
Get talons and scratch the fuck out of the furniture.
Trip him up when he's in the kitchen.
Attack things on the TV.
Stick your bum in his face when he's trying to watch TV.
Whenever he pays attention to something other than you (like talk on the phone or read a book/the net) get in his face and start caterwauling.
Noisily investigate the entire house at 2am.
Vomit in his car on road trips.
Pick the coldest, snowiest night and yowl at the door until he opens it. Stand there until he tries to push you out with his foot. Then run back into the house. Repeat five times until he bodily picks you up to toss you out. Scratch his face while screeching until he drops you. Then run hide under the bed for two days.
If he isn't pleased with any of the above mentioned behaviors, and shows his disapproval - wait until he least expects it and then leave something disgusting in his shoes.
Take this recent thread for example that I found in Novices & Newbies on Fet:
My master, wants me to be more like a kitty cat. This is the first time I am doing this. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE CONTROL ME!!! (maybe). Want are somethings to help me turn him on, and what are something he could do to be more of a master to a little tiny kitty like me. I just want to make sure my master is pleased :). So help a kitty out MEOW!!!.
O am wearing a cute outfit!!!! want can i do to seem sexier in it?
The first few respondents gave the usual advise, "Ask him what he thinks being more like a kitty cat means" and "Try joining a group for cat play" but when someone mined the poor guy's profile (that the girlfriend made for him) and learned he was vanilla (his words) and that he had absolutely no interest in kinky play... Folks decided to have fun with the thread.
And because the idea of a human being doing any (or even better, all) of the advise given on how to be a cat amused me and made me giggle, I decided to share.
How To Be A Kitty Cat
by: The Members of Novices & Newbies
Punch him in his full bladder a few hours after he's fallen asleep. When he wakes up, demand cereal.
When you want his attention, walk away from him and roll around on the floor looking adorable. When he takes the bait, you have two options:
1) Run.
2) Bite him.
Stare at him for long periods of time without blinking.
When you hear crinkly paper, get excited.
When you hear plastic bags, run and hide. When he finds you, say (very loudly) WTF IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUU.
If it's warm, sit on it.
Boxes. There's nothing you can't do with a box.
When receiving gifts, throw away the gift and be super happy about the wrapping (and/or box) that it came in.
If you're unaltered, howl like a banshee during your ovulation cycle. Make sure to walk funny and present your ass at every opportunity.
Tell him you're soooo sooo hungry and you can't wait another MINUTE without a treat. When you have the treat in front of you, let him know you've changed your mind - but you're glad he knows how to follow instructions.
When he gets up from a chair, run over and sleep in his spot.
Sleep on the bed taking up as much room as possible.
When he is almost asleep climb on his pillow above his head, head-butt him over and over until he pets you... Then bite him... Then make mud pies in his scalp, roll yourself in his hair, and don't move an inch.
Get into the catnip, then stare glassy eyed at a wall for 3 straight hours.
Vow to finally catch that abominable red dot.
Did anyone cover the entire being a creeper while the human uses the facilities?
Tip: if you get locked out of the bathroom (and thus can't creep) sharpen your nails on the door until it opens.
Stick your paws/fingers under the door, or even better, get your nose down there and try to peek under the door while mewing pitifully since the occupant must have "drownededed". When the door opens, turn away quickly and ignore said occupant.
Don't forget to watch the water go down the toilet when he flushes, and bat at his boxer/briefs when he is using the facilities.
Bat at the door to get in any room. When he lets you in, wait until he has sat back down and has started doing what he had been doing before then bat and meow at the door to get out.
If he has fish, watch them and try to get them out of the tank.
When he's in bed, sleeping, attack his feet whenever he moves them.
Perch atop tall furniture/appliances and whap his head whenever he walks by.
For absolutely no reason run wildly from one end of the house to the other multiple times, then abruptly stop and begin licking your parts.
Stalk small insects when they enter your domain. Meow piteously when you can't catch them.
Pace back and forth on the couch, making sure to step on his groin each time you pass him.
If he tries to eat something, stick your hand in it. If he tries to drink something, knock the drink onto the floor.
Knock everything onto the floor, then kill it.
Remember one sip out of your water (or in my case wine) glass means it's empty and needs to be refilled immediately. Same goes for the food.
Look in the pantry and whatever there is the most of you refuse to eat it, even if it was your absolutely favorite food last week.
Begin using a litter box- But you cannot go IN the litter box.Paw around in it and then squat beside it to do your business. Or in the bathtub.
Bring a live mouse to the door and insist on dropping it in his lap.
Soon as he puts anything in his lap, like a keyboard or a book, you must immediately climb across his lap and lie in the middle of it so he cannot work with whatever it is that has suddenly taken up that very valuable real estate.
Hiss at him and run away and hide under the bed when he comes near you with nail clippers.
Play "hockey" with hard candies in the tiled hallway at 2am. Whack that fucker hard as you can into the baseboard repeatedly for as many ricochet shots as you can get with a single swipe.
Get talons and scratch the fuck out of the furniture.
Trip him up when he's in the kitchen.
Attack things on the TV.
Stick your bum in his face when he's trying to watch TV.
Whenever he pays attention to something other than you (like talk on the phone or read a book/the net) get in his face and start caterwauling.
Noisily investigate the entire house at 2am.
Vomit in his car on road trips.
Pick the coldest, snowiest night and yowl at the door until he opens it. Stand there until he tries to push you out with his foot. Then run back into the house. Repeat five times until he bodily picks you up to toss you out. Scratch his face while screeching until he drops you. Then run hide under the bed for two days.
If he isn't pleased with any of the above mentioned behaviors, and shows his disapproval - wait until he least expects it and then leave something disgusting in his shoes.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Submissives Don't Have Wants.
The temptation to look down was strong, but I forced my eyes to remain on his. "No, Master," I said honestly. "I want to come badly, and it's hard to push aside my wants for yours."
It shamed me to admit I wasn't yet where I needed to be in my service to him.
"Your honesty pleases me." He stroked my cheek. "Don't feel guilty over your feelings. I know it's still early in your journey. I know you aren't yet able to completely put aside your wants. You'll get there eventually."
- The Training, Tara Sue Me, pgs. 172-173
*SIGH*
I'd like a virtual show of hands, please- Who among you has ever prioritized someone else's wants above your own?
How many parents have put aside what they wanted for something their kid(s) wanted?
How many grown children have put aside their wants for those of their parents?
How many friends have put aside a want in favor of something their friend wanted?
How many employees have put aside a want to instead do what their boss or another coworker wanted?
How many spouses/significant others/folks in a relationship have put their partner's wants ahead of their own?
OK.
I'm willing to bet that everybody who reads this little bloggy thinger of mine has raised their hand to at least one of those questions. I feel it's pretty safe to assume that we have all, at some point, prioritized another person's wants before our own.
Next question- How many of you think that prioritizing wants equates to not having wants?
Seriously. Think about it. If you really really want to go to the park for a picnic but your significant other really really wants to go see Intergalactic Toad Troopers from Planet Z Vs The Mothmen, and you agree to go see the movie does that mean you don't have wants or that you made their want a priority?
Do you see where I'm going with this?
There's this idea that submissives don't have wants and if we do have wants it's something we can eventually learn to not have. The passage I quoted at the beginning of this blog is an example of that- The s-type partner has a want and feels ashamed, the D-type partner assures her that she'll eventually learn how not to want.
And I suppose that to someone who isn't a submissive that's how it can appear- But that appearance isn't correct and passing on that appearance as fact is harmful.
Submissives don't have some sort of super power that allows us to magically not want anything. We don't have some special ability, we don't learn to not want. What we can do is prioritize our wants and our D-types wants.
We do the same thing that everybody else does, only for a good many of us we agree make the other person's wants a priority much more often than our own... And that's it.
So fiction writers, bad erotica producers, and ill-informed D-types and s-types... Please stop perpetuating a myth that is entirely inaccurate and causes harm to the newbies who don't know better.
A submissive is always going to have wants, just like any other person, and there is nothing about that to feel guilt or shame over.
It shamed me to admit I wasn't yet where I needed to be in my service to him.
"Your honesty pleases me." He stroked my cheek. "Don't feel guilty over your feelings. I know it's still early in your journey. I know you aren't yet able to completely put aside your wants. You'll get there eventually."
- The Training, Tara Sue Me, pgs. 172-173
*SIGH*
I'd like a virtual show of hands, please- Who among you has ever prioritized someone else's wants above your own?
How many parents have put aside what they wanted for something their kid(s) wanted?
How many grown children have put aside their wants for those of their parents?
How many friends have put aside a want in favor of something their friend wanted?
How many employees have put aside a want to instead do what their boss or another coworker wanted?
How many spouses/significant others/folks in a relationship have put their partner's wants ahead of their own?
OK.
I'm willing to bet that everybody who reads this little bloggy thinger of mine has raised their hand to at least one of those questions. I feel it's pretty safe to assume that we have all, at some point, prioritized another person's wants before our own.
Next question- How many of you think that prioritizing wants equates to not having wants?
Seriously. Think about it. If you really really want to go to the park for a picnic but your significant other really really wants to go see Intergalactic Toad Troopers from Planet Z Vs The Mothmen, and you agree to go see the movie does that mean you don't have wants or that you made their want a priority?
Do you see where I'm going with this?
There's this idea that submissives don't have wants and if we do have wants it's something we can eventually learn to not have. The passage I quoted at the beginning of this blog is an example of that- The s-type partner has a want and feels ashamed, the D-type partner assures her that she'll eventually learn how not to want.
And I suppose that to someone who isn't a submissive that's how it can appear- But that appearance isn't correct and passing on that appearance as fact is harmful.
Submissives don't have some sort of super power that allows us to magically not want anything. We don't have some special ability, we don't learn to not want. What we can do is prioritize our wants and our D-types wants.
We do the same thing that everybody else does, only for a good many of us we agree make the other person's wants a priority much more often than our own... And that's it.
So fiction writers, bad erotica producers, and ill-informed D-types and s-types... Please stop perpetuating a myth that is entirely inaccurate and causes harm to the newbies who don't know better.
A submissive is always going to have wants, just like any other person, and there is nothing about that to feel guilt or shame over.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
I Should Be Writing...
But I'm not.
My lair has been infested by three lovable heathens with a penchant for reading over my shoulder. A few years ago that was fine, because they couldn't read, but now that they can? About the only thing I can write is recipes for cupcakes.
I can think of few things more dull than transcribing cupcake recipes so I'm not writing. Well, I am, but it's stuff like this- Dull stuff that I don't have to worry about the kids seeing ("Moooooom! what's a Kinkyverse? Why are you blogging? Can I read it? Why not? I'm hungry!")
Parenthood has it's joys, but this certainly isn't one of them.
Do you know how I'm managing to write without them prying? I'm hiding in the bathroom. We have two so I can totally fib a bit and tell them that last night's pizza is taking its sweet time exiting the arena while not worrying that they're going to get desperate and poop in the kitchen sink or something.
I miss them being illiterate.
Though I suspect that once their dad gets back in town (He's on a business trip) I'm going to have one heck of a blog about parenthood and the Kinkyverse to write... I think they're becoming suspicious. Or they're plotting. I can hear whispers. Sheesh. I don't remember tormenting my parents like this.
My lair has been infested by three lovable heathens with a penchant for reading over my shoulder. A few years ago that was fine, because they couldn't read, but now that they can? About the only thing I can write is recipes for cupcakes.
I can think of few things more dull than transcribing cupcake recipes so I'm not writing. Well, I am, but it's stuff like this- Dull stuff that I don't have to worry about the kids seeing ("Moooooom! what's a Kinkyverse? Why are you blogging? Can I read it? Why not? I'm hungry!")
Parenthood has it's joys, but this certainly isn't one of them.
Do you know how I'm managing to write without them prying? I'm hiding in the bathroom. We have two so I can totally fib a bit and tell them that last night's pizza is taking its sweet time exiting the arena while not worrying that they're going to get desperate and poop in the kitchen sink or something.
I miss them being illiterate.
Though I suspect that once their dad gets back in town (He's on a business trip) I'm going to have one heck of a blog about parenthood and the Kinkyverse to write... I think they're becoming suspicious. Or they're plotting. I can hear whispers. Sheesh. I don't remember tormenting my parents like this.
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