Take this recent thread for example that I found in Novices & Newbies on Fet:
My master, wants me to be more like a kitty cat. This is the first time I am doing this. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE CONTROL ME!!! (maybe). Want are somethings to help me turn him on, and what are something he could do to be more of a master to a little tiny kitty like me. I just want to make sure my master is pleased :). So help a kitty out MEOW!!!.
O am wearing a cute outfit!!!! want can i do to seem sexier in it?
The first few respondents gave the usual advise, "Ask him what he thinks being more like a kitty cat means" and "Try joining a group for cat play" but when someone mined the poor guy's profile (that the girlfriend made for him) and learned he was vanilla (his words) and that he had absolutely no interest in kinky play... Folks decided to have fun with the thread.
And because the idea of a human being doing any (or even better, all) of the advise given on how to be a cat amused me and made me giggle, I decided to share.
How To Be A Kitty Cat
by: The Members of Novices & Newbies
Punch him in his full bladder a few hours after he's fallen asleep. When he wakes up, demand cereal.
When you want his attention, walk away from him and roll around on the floor looking adorable. When he takes the bait, you have two options:
1) Run.
2) Bite him.
Stare at him for long periods of time without blinking.
When you hear crinkly paper, get excited.
When you hear plastic bags, run and hide. When he finds you, say (very loudly) WTF IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUU.
If it's warm, sit on it.
Boxes. There's nothing you can't do with a box.
When receiving gifts, throw away the gift and be super happy about the wrapping (and/or box) that it came in.
If you're unaltered, howl like a banshee during your ovulation cycle. Make sure to walk funny and present your ass at every opportunity.
Tell him you're soooo sooo hungry and you can't wait another MINUTE without a treat. When you have the treat in front of you, let him know you've changed your mind - but you're glad he knows how to follow instructions.
When he gets up from a chair, run over and sleep in his spot.
Sleep on the bed taking up as much room as possible.
When he is almost asleep climb on his pillow above his head, head-butt him over and over until he pets you... Then bite him... Then make mud pies in his scalp, roll yourself in his hair, and don't move an inch.
Get into the catnip, then stare glassy eyed at a wall for 3 straight hours.
Vow to finally catch that abominable red dot.
Did anyone cover the entire being a creeper while the human uses the facilities?
Tip: if you get locked out of the bathroom (and thus can't creep) sharpen your nails on the door until it opens.
Stick your paws/fingers under the door, or even better, get your nose down there and try to peek under the door while mewing pitifully since the occupant must have "drownededed". When the door opens, turn away quickly and ignore said occupant.
Don't forget to watch the water go down the toilet when he flushes, and bat at his boxer/briefs when he is using the facilities.
Bat at the door to get in any room. When he lets you in, wait until he has sat back down and has started doing what he had been doing before then bat and meow at the door to get out.
If he has fish, watch them and try to get them out of the tank.
When he's in bed, sleeping, attack his feet whenever he moves them.
Perch atop tall furniture/appliances and whap his head whenever he walks by.
For absolutely no reason run wildly from one end of the house to the other multiple times, then abruptly stop and begin licking your parts.
Stalk small insects when they enter your domain. Meow piteously when you can't catch them.
Pace back and forth on the couch, making sure to step on his groin each time you pass him.
If he tries to eat something, stick your hand in it. If he tries to drink something, knock the drink onto the floor.
Knock everything onto the floor, then kill it.
Remember one sip out of your water (or in my case wine) glass means it's empty and needs to be refilled immediately. Same goes for the food.
Look in the pantry and whatever there is the most of you refuse to eat it, even if it was your absolutely favorite food last week.
Begin using a litter box- But you cannot go IN the litter box.Paw around in it and then squat beside it to do your business. Or in the bathtub.
Bring a live mouse to the door and insist on dropping it in his lap.
Soon as he puts anything in his lap, like a keyboard or a book, you must immediately climb across his lap and lie in the middle of it so he cannot work with whatever it is that has suddenly taken up that very valuable real estate.
Hiss at him and run away and hide under the bed when he comes near you with nail clippers.
Play "hockey" with hard candies in the tiled hallway at 2am. Whack that fucker hard as you can into the baseboard repeatedly for as many ricochet shots as you can get with a single swipe.
Get talons and scratch the fuck out of the furniture.
Trip him up when he's in the kitchen.
Attack things on the TV.
Stick your bum in his face when he's trying to watch TV.
Whenever he pays attention to something other than you (like talk on the phone or read a book/the net) get in his face and start caterwauling.
Noisily investigate the entire house at 2am.
Vomit in his car on road trips.
Pick the coldest, snowiest night and yowl at the door until he opens it. Stand there until he tries to push you out with his foot. Then run back into the house. Repeat five times until he bodily picks you up to toss you out. Scratch his face while screeching until he drops you. Then run hide under the bed for two days.
If he isn't pleased with any of the above mentioned behaviors, and shows his disapproval - wait until he least expects it and then leave something disgusting in his shoes.
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