Submission Doesn't Exist In An Vacuum, Dear (AKA "What's Important To You?").

The other day Cookie and I were skulking around our not-so-local sex toy store because we have a great big wad of cash and felt a burning need to blow some of it on sexy-time stuff. Good times.

In the course of our consumerist frenzy though something of interest happened- Cookie called me a "bad sub" one time too many and I replied, "Well, submission doesn't exist in a vacuum, dear."

Oops.

I knew as soon as I said it, that it sounded bad. Like he wasn't doing enough as a Dom, that I was unhappy, other assorted not-so-good things implied... Thing is, it's not like that at all.

It's just... Well, we've never really talked about what's important to him. I've tried asking him a few times, but I guess it didn't stick so I've been guessing and basing my actions off things he's said.

His Ex spent him into bankruptcy? Ok, he can control the finances.
His Ex was always doing shit, buying shit, reorganizing the house without his input? Great! I can ask for his input.
He's said, "I like a struggle, it makes me feel powerful when I win"... Excellent. I can struggle and lose like a pro.

But he's never said, "Squeaky, this is what I want."
To be fair, I've never said it either.

So we tried to talk about it in the car ride home, I said, "What is important to you?"
He answered, "I don't know. What's important to you?"
And we reached an impasse.

Because the thing is, it's not really something I've thought about.
I don't mind him managing the finances, he's better at it than me. I don't mind asking for his input. But those "I don't mind" things aren't really important, are they?

I know for a long while that I'm not the sort of person who does well without direction. Left to my own devices I'll play Kongregate games for 10 hours and to hell with the dishes, or laundry, or brushing the dog... I'd probably do better with a few more rules that what we have.

I don't know how effective rules will be though, because I kind of have a problem with authority. In fact, my entire life I've thumbed my nose at it and broken rules because, well, why not?

No. I don't think that will work at all. I really do need to know what's important to him because that is what's important to me. On my own I have the fantasy-in-my-head shit that gets me off, but that stuff won't work in real life, and there's nothing I really really want, other than some active input from him so I know what to do.

Which makes me wonder if that's really very odd or something. I read about submissives who have all these specific wants for their dynamic- And I just don't have any. Other than not being in charge, and contributing to his happiness.

Maybe those are my important things?
But they're so vague.

I don't know (fancy that, something I don't know about).
Which is why I've asked him to bring home some beer tonight as it tends to help the thinking business along, or more accurately, the sharing of the thinking business.

Meh.
I'm just thinking out loud here, trying to organize my thoughts. Hell, trying to form some thoughts.

Sorry about the brain spew, guys.