Musings From The Kinkyverse: January 2014

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Being a Brat

Until I meandered into the Kinkyverse I never considered myself a "brat."

I had a picture in my head of what a brat was and that person wasn't me. At all. I always envisioned a brat to be some spoiled, disrespectful, obstinate, ungrateful, unpleasant, whiny person. Someone who was manipulative and, quite frankly, probably abusive towards their significant other or parent.

It wasn't a pretty picture and I'm sure anybody who has known an adult (or even child) brat in real life vanilla land will agree. They're not nice people (unless they want something) and being around them can be the most miserable experience you can have (next to a root canal. Those are pretty miserable as well).

So when I landed all arms and legs and brain akimbo in the Kinkyverse and I started to read and learn I was a little shocked to see that I (me!) was what a lot of folks would consider a "brat" (Cue the Monty Python skit where the girl is saying "I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch" but replace "witch" with "brat"). It was, and still is, a bit disconcerting. It's something I have trouble with.

The worst trouble though is when a conversation starts about brats on one forum or another and the brats are basically told to justify their behavior; Why they cannot manage to be a "properly" submissive submissive like the rest of the good girls... And sure, it's all couched in politically correct terminology, or excused with phrases like, "Well in my relationship..." or best yet the passive aggressive "Well I just prefer to submit gracefully" stuff... Being a brat is something you have to make excuses for and it's just not an acceptable way to be. Being "good" is better.

Today I got thinking about being a brat and what makes a brat a brat in the Kinkyverse.

I mean, in vanilla land nobody would think I was a brat. Not my family, not my friends, and certainly not my husband. If you asked them, "Hey, is squeaky a brat?" they'd probably look at you like you'd just asked them if the sky was orange (on a blue sky day, not on an orange sunset day). The idea of me being a brat would never cross their minds because they'd also be thinking about the vanilla sort of definition for a brat.

And if you apply that vanilla definition here, I agree with the notion that brats are an awful thing to be. I don't know of a Dominant in their right mind who would actually want to be with that sort of person in a BDSM relationship. Problem is? That's not the definition that most of the s-types (who I know) use for themselves, even though it's the definition that seems to be applied to them.

If you ask a brat what makes them a brat they're likely to answer that they are:
Opinionated
A bit willful
Occasionally sarcastic
Playful
Frisky
Fun-loving
Mouthy
A little disobedient at times
And most of them will state that their bratting is an agreed upon part of their dynamic, one their D-types enjoy, and one that is fulfilling in some way to both partners. Most importantly, it doesn't cross "the line". Brats are aware that there is a point where their actions stop being fun and start being harmful, and if they forget and don't stop on their own a reminder from their D-type will usually do the trick.

None of the brats I know will respond with the vanilla definition. And sure, those traits in a submissive that I mentioned above are not going to "do it" for every D-type out there. Brats can often be a handful, they're not always the easiest people to dominate, but for the most part they're not malicious and they don't deserve to have a vanilla definition applied to a Kinkyverse label. It's rather unfair and inaccurate to apply a negative label and definition to something that is often a consensual and accepted part of a dynamic.

So perhaps it's long past the time when we should have stopped using a negative vanilla definition for a positive, enjoyable, and consensual BDSM dynamic?

Eh. Just something I was thinking about and decided to randomly blather on about... It's still early. I think I might need more caffeine.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Happy Submissive!

Often suffering from an excess of boredom I have this habit of checking (and rechecking and re-rechecking) any site that might offer me some sort of amusement. Facebook. Craigslist. Fetlife's K&P. So today while maniacally hitting the refresh button on my browser I stumbled upon a picture on Fet.

It wasn't "sexy" and it wasn't even titillating (well, to me anyways. There was a stray weenie in the picture but stray weenies don't do much to get my libido going), but there was just something about this picture that spoke to me... Though I admit, that could have just been the voices. Again.

Anyways. The girl in this picture just looked so happy. Like she'd just had the best time of her life. It's entirely possible that in that moment, she was glowing. Her enjoyment was just that apparent. It was awesome.

And as I sat there (or here) basking in the happy-glow of this chick I wondered why this one image of a happy girl was affecting me so much. I mean, I'm not lacking happiness in my own life- Cookie is just about the most happy-inspiring person ever, my dogs make me laugh all the time (because they're idiots), my small folk are funny, and when I'm not exuding snark from my pores because of some stupid shit I saw on the interwebs I'm generally a pretty happy person.

Eventually it dawned on me: The image was so great because it was such a rare thing to see in the Kinkyverse- A happy submissive.

Really. If you turn off safe search on Google and type in "submissive" you'll get a screen full of women who are crying, mid-scream, or look like they're having the worst possible time ever. Honestly. An office full of Dental patients mid root canal look like they're having more fun than the average submissive in a picture.

And the stories? Geez Louise... Every submissive is a miserable martyr. All basking in just how put-upon they are, how much everything they do sucks balls (and not nice, clean, manscaped balls either), and how one must suffer at every turn to be a submissive. Gah. It's depressing. Really. I feel like I need some Prozac or Abilify or something just to wade through the Kinkyverse on most days.

So this one happy chick, beaming her happiness and enjoyment at me from my computer screen... It was lovely. It was this beacon of joy in a quagmire of runny mascara tears and red-eyed facial victims and bad erotica full of unhappy, miserable muffins.

Here's to you, happy submissives, the people who make kink look like fun. You guys are pretty damn great and I really wish that more of you would poke your happy little selves out of your happy bolt holes and grace the Kinkyverse with your presence. It would be a happier place with more of you around.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

I don't think I've done a "proper" introduction... And no, this isn't one, I'm just bored.

So here goes, for anybody who is interested to know me.

I'm Squeaky. Like Bella it's not my real name, but it is one that I answer to at home (more than my real name actually, which is long and pretentious and I don't much care for at all).

This is me. I'm a goofy-looking son of a gun. But being 36 (Eeek!) will do that to you I suppose... Though to be honest I was goofy looking well before this most recent birthday (Which was in December. I'm a Xmas baby). I also might have some self-esteem issues, other kids can do that to you. But I'm working on that. So far it's going pretty well. 5 out of 7 days I can say that I think I'm kinda cool... But I can't say I look nice. Meh. Such is life.

I was married to a Vanilla guy for close to 10 years and I figured out that I liked being the submissive partner a few years in. That's when I started reading and learning, but the internet back then wasn't what it is now and I was a bit limited in what I could discover. Also a bit limited in real life experience because Vanilla Husband was very, painfully, vanilla.

I have three kids. My eldest is 12 and my twins are 7. They're all boys. I wanted a girl, desperately, but in retrospect I'm glad I didn't have one. I also have three dogs. Hol who has been in a previous post, Skipper who is my Old Guy (he's 13), and Vincent Price. They're all mutts and all came from my local animal shelter. Hol is a saint, Skip is The Best Dog Ever, and Vinnie is a shithead. But he's cute so he gets away with it.

This guy is my Cookie. I figured I'd include him here because I talk about him so much (because he's awesome!). I met him a few years after the Ex and I separated on OKC. We had both done those goofy quizzes that say how kinky and experimental and all that sort of thing, so I had some hopes that he might be, well, THAT sort of fun. He was.

He also turned out to be one of the best people I've ever had the honor of knowing, and he's managed to out-best-friend my bestest girlfriend who I've known for over 20 years. We're all sorts of compatible and it rocks. I feel lucky to have found him.

We've been together for 5 years and got married in June 2012, (actually, we eloped which pissed off our families but good).

What else?

I like to read. A lot. I probably have over a thousand books in my home and since discovering that I can buy 5 of them for a dollar at the thrift stores? My addiction may have gotten slightly out of hand.

I write, sometimes well, sometimes poorly. Mostly just to amuse myself.

I'm a really great chef and I very much enjoy baking. Cupcakes are my latest passion. Man, I love cupcakes.

I sew, mostly for myself and Cookie but occasionally I do custom work for others.

My IQ is somewhere in the 140s, which makes me smart but not super special Doogie Howser smart.

I'm an avid scavenger and can spend hours pawing through the racks at thrift stores to find nifty things (If you're in the area, the Salvation Army on 75and Sashabaw has the best stock of any thrift store I've ever gone to).

I can lick my elbow. It's my one good Stupid Person Trick.

I'm a rabid non-conformist (which is conforming in another way if you care to get all philosophical about it).

I also take pictures of anything and everything. Sometimes it annoys friends and relatives, but I got a pass from one friend when her photographer at her wedding sucked and I had some luck getting good shots. Cookie especially gets tired of my Paparazzi ways, and I'd love to show you all the look he tends to give me when he thinks I've taken one photo too many- But it's not flattering and he'd complain and then I wouldn't get the hot sexings.

So instead:

A sunset, as seen from my deck. I know it's not as amusing as a bad Cookie picture, but eh. What can I do? I like the sexings.

Now, I'm trying to make myself sound interesting for anybody who might be bothering to read this, but I fear I'm not. Occasionally I do some neat stuff but mostly I'm a lazy lump of Squeaky who spends entirely too much time on the couch watching Netflix.
My house is almost always a mess (but the bed is always made).
I'm entirely too scatter-brained.
I cannot for the life of me balance a checkbook (Which is why Cookie is the Financial Guy around here, he can).
I'm liberal in my political views- Which can be good or bad, depending on your preferences.

I am a horrible-rotten submissive and not anywhere near subly enough to be called "true."
I get annoyed by rampant stupidity too easily.
I have next to no patience and what little I have gets used up by the kids, dogs, and Cookie.

My favorite place in the whole wide world is the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, up around Marquette. It's so pretty there, even if it is a two mile hike through bear infested woods to reach the prettiness sometimes... (and yes, we did see a bear on the hike to these falls).

And that's me. I like kink, I know a great deal about BDSM (And I'll admit that there's still tons for me to learn), and I have too much time on my hands so I write.

And if you've made it this far- Thanks for reading what I have to say.

What I want. (a blathering ode to summer. sort of)

I'm sick of winter.
Sick of it, I tell you.
A few days ago we got 16 inches of snow, the next few days we're supposed to have temperatures in the negative 40's (Negative! Below zero!), and it just sucks. The dogs don't even want to go outside, my stupid car won't start, and I haven't seen Cookie all the way naked since October (our furnace kind of sucks). I think he might even be bathing with clothes on, it's that cold.

So what do I want?

I want summer.
I want Cookie meandering around the house in his birthday suit, which is far nommier than Cookie meandering around the house in 2 pairs of jammie pants, a wifebeater-teeshirt-hoodie-robe combo (with the hood up), and his grungy old man slippers.
I want to have sex on top of the blankets, not huddled beneath them, terrified of a stray appendage being exposed to the bedroom air.
I want to sweat when we scromp, damp heated skin sliding and slipping in that delicious summer-sex sort of way.
I want to be able to smell him on my skin when we've finished fucking like rabid bunnies.
I want to bang on the deck, the hood of my car, the sidewalk, under the sycamore tree, anywhere outdoors really (so long as the neighbors and mosquitos have all gone to bed).
I want to touch him and not have him scream like a little girl because my fingers have turned into pink ice cubes.
I want to be able to wear cuffs without worrying about touching his bare skin (what little is showing anyways) with the jingly metal bits.
I want to be able to throw the dogs outside if we want to get busy on the couch or kitchen table or laundry room floor. Having a cold curious nose insert itself into sexy fun times is a serious mood killer.
I want to see Cookie gilded by the golden light of a summer evening which is much more flattering than the frosty glow of winter moonlight.

I am sick of winter and I want it to be over.

Sadly, it's just January and here in Michigan there's lots of it left. Lots and lots and lots.
sigh

The Trouble with Training...

I see this all the time, all over the internet, and it always leaves me confused...

"I want to be trained."

When I read that sort of sentiment I'm left scratching my head and wondering, "To do what, exactly?"

I mean, there are a lot of things a person can learn to do for themselves or their D-type partner. Probably more than I can even begin to imagine (and I've got a pretty good imagination). You could:

-Learn to make the perfect cup of tea or coffee, exactly the way they want it in the mug they prefer.
-Learn to give the best damn BJ they've ever had in their entire life.
-Learn to do those yoga-like "positions" perfectly.
-Learn how to make his bed, fold his laundry, and put away his dishes according to his specifications.
-Learn to say the right things at the right time, every time.
-Learn how to do your makeup, dress, and style your hair to their standards.
-Learn what parts to touch and to avoid to give them the most pleasure.
-Learn another language, how to cook, sing, sew, draw, etc for them to enjoy and reap the benefits from...

There is a metric crap ton of things you can be trained to do for your D-type, and most of those things are only things that he (or to be fair, she) can teach you to do, or things that you'll pick up like most folks do who pay attention over the course of the relationship.

Hell, over half of the things I've learned for Cookie's benefit are not even things that he's "trained" me to do- They're just things I've picked up on by listening to him and watching him. He likes the bed made with the blankets folded down. His socks go in the top drawer, undies in the second, shirts in the third, jeans in the bottom. He takes his coffee black with two sugars.

The other things are the stuff he's specifically told me to do (or not to do) or things I've asked about... Like how to give him the perfect BJ... Which isn't a trick I could have learned from anybody else. Or how he really likes it when we're going at it doggy style and he's about to climax and I do that thing with my... Well, you get the point, I'm sure. Those are things that he has taught me and nobody else could have taught me for him.

It's all rather dull, this mundane normal relationship stuff that a lot of us learn in order to please our D-types or to make their lives run a bit smoother... Which leads to the realization that when some folks make the "I want to be trained" statement they're not talking about the dull, day-to-day stuff. Nope. They're talking about the kinky sex stuff. The fantasy stuff. The crap from bad erotica and bad porn.

Case in point: Baby Seal from Random Web Site asking about being trained-
Alright to answer the general question of what I want from this: I'd like to be a slave like those on the Training of O or the Upper Floor from Kink.com, my favorite umbrella site. I am absolutely not saying that I want to live that 24/7 but I'd love for my training to resemble it.

It was pointed out to the baby seal that those were things not entirely based in reality (bad erotica and bad porn) but she was adamant. Her training should look Just. Like. That. And I wondered, how is that training? Being beat on? Playing? Having sexy fun times? Yes, all of the above... But training? No.

That's the trouble with "training."

Mostly it's used as some sort of code-speak for "I want kinky sex and play" and not "I want to learn to do the stuff that is going to make my relationship fulfilling to my D-type and myself." It's a fantasy kind of thing, not anything that has to do with reality because really? How much training do you need to suck cock or lick a vag or to lay there and get whipped or stand there and be tied up? Not much, really. The people who need training to do that stuff safely (well, the whipping and tying-up stuff anyways) are the D-types and Tops who do it.

So hey, if you want to try the stuff that you've been fantasizing about or watching in bad porn or reading in even worse erotica? Say that. But don't call it "training" because it's not (unless you think that having the ability to make incredibly stupid-looking O faces or Ow faces is a valuable skill to posess. Then maybe it could be called training).

/end rant

Friday, January 3, 2014

The Diet Vs. Cookie (my Domly, not the baked good)

A few months back I tried to get my ass (which at that point had widened to such vast proportions that I could catch glimpses of it out of the corner of my eye) into my favorite jeans... It wasn't happening. The jeans allowed themselves to rise only so far when I pulled them up, and no further. I think that they, wisely, were fearing for the integrity of their seams. I could not blame the jeans for their refusal to comply with my desire to stuff my chub into them (self preservation and all), so after I pulled on a pair of not-in-any-way-lose yoga pants I went in search of someone I could blame.

My squinty gaze fell upon Cookie.

Love of my life, most awesome Manperson ever, and saboteur of any and all dieting plans I've had in the last 4 years.

As I neared my blame-target the dogs fled for the safety of the Under Bed Region, the sky darkened, and I'm pretty sure that super-ominous music (night on death mountain or something) started up in the background. Cookie, unaware, lumped on the couch nomming a day old piece of Jet's pizza.

"You!" I said, as I hove into sight.

"I love you, too!" said Cookie. "Want some pizza?"

"AAArrrraaaghhhh!" I said (because I am all sorts of verbose and shit).

"Huh?" said Cookie, past a mouthful of mozzarella, sausage, and mushroom bliss... Drool...

"My pants don't fit." I stated, squinting at him, squintily.

"OK..." he responded, obviously confused about what he had to do with my pants.

"You keep feeding me!" I wailed, resorting to dramatics to get my point across.

"But you like food?" He said, painfully befuddled at at this point in the proceedings.

I poked my belly to illustrate my next statement, "I'm such a goo."

"When you do that it makes your boobies jiggle." He said, full of boobie-lust.

I soldiered on, eventually hoping to penetrate his man-cluelessness, "I don't want to be a goo and you keep feeding me when I'm trying to be good and now my pants don't fit."

"Uh... Ok?" he replied, finally setting down the nearly feeding-frenzy inducing half-gnawed on square of pizza.

"Quit feeding me." I said. "And make me be good. Use your Domliness for something other than the purposes of evil."

"But I like making you happy and good food makes you happy."

"And being fat makes me less happy. See how that works? Short term unhappiness for long term happiness." At this point I could tell that I'd lost him as he has the metabolism of a racehorse on speed, often forgets to eat because he never feels hungry, and hasn't had to diet a day in his damn man-life.

I sighed, "Just help me be good, OK? Please?"

And he has.

Using his Domliness for good, he's ordered salads when I just want to put a hurt on a burger. He's doled out Girl Time Tribute Chocolate in sensible amounts. He refuses to buy "bad" things at the store, and when I go on a recipe testing baking frenzy he hauls all of the results to work to pawn off on his co-workers (who are now starting to complain of expanding waistlines while praising the yumminess of my treats).

And me? I have lost 23 pounds (after a brief birthday/Xmas binge hiatus).

I even convinced him to buy me an exercise bike (granted, we got it at Salvation Army so it was one hell of a deal, but still I get on the damn thing every day at his urging and pedal my out-of-shape little heart out).

This is my real life. The stuff I don't write about. I don't know why, but I thought that I would start... And this is what you get.

Sorry.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Where I anwser the "30 Day" thingy in one honking huge post.

Day 1 – Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

Yes. We use the "Dominant & submissive" (D/s) label for our relationship as we feel that is what best reflects who we are as a couple.

Day 2 – Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

I am submissive exclusively to my husband, and our dynamic runs 24/7.
If I were in the market (Dog forbid) for a new Dominant partner, I would look for someone who was interested in a monogamous, long term relationship because in order to submit I need the stability, trust, and respect that is more often found in a serious partner. The limits of my submission within the relationship would be defined by how much trust my partner inspired, how much mutual respect we shared, and how stable the relationship was.

Day 3 – How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?

This question is a bit like asking "How do you know you're compassionate"? It's really just something a person knows from their interactions with other people. I know I'm submissive because I am (within the context of a committed relationship and as an orientation, not a personality characteristic).
How do I feel? Fulfilled.

Day 4 – Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you

A) No. I do not take the Dominant role in my relationship.
B) I retain control over my children, decisions regarding my health, and my kitchen. Seriously, Manperson better stay out of my kitchen. I'm OCD about it. I also fail to see what DD has to do with limiting a D-type's authority, limited authority is not limited to one type of dynamic.
C) I do not switch, but I can Top as a service.

Day 5 – Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

A) I had previously played with a friend, but that was more about kinky fun times than a D/s dynamic. Cookie is my first long term Dominant partner. More than likely my last as well- I kind of hit a home run with him.
B) What makes us unique? The fact that we don't practice our dynamic the exact same way any other couple does. Pretty much every D/s relationship is unique because the people in it are unique... Silly Question-Asker.

Day 6 – What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

I don't think it has any "roots", I wasn't traumatized as a child or raised to be submissive, it's not a management tool or a sex thing... It is what it is- The way I feel most fulfilled in a relationship.

Day 7 – Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

No. I am an adult woman capable of considering my actions before I take them, and to realize that those actions will have consequences. I do not need my significant other to punish me as if I had no sense of my own. If he tried I would feel rather resentful.

Day 8 – Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

Spanking is a sexy fun time game. He swats my bum, I enjoy it, end of.

Day 9 – Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

We have "rules" I suppose, but I see them more as guidelines to maintaining a healthy relationship. If he wants me to go to bed at a certain time it's because he's concerned that I'm over tired. If he wants me to call when I get to a location it's because he's concerned about my well-being... He doesn't just make up rules for shits and giggles, there's always a reasonable explanation. If there wasn't, I would not be inclined to follow them.

Day 10 – Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

Well, yes, seeing as part of the BDSM acronym is Dominance and submission. But if you mean "Do we incorporate kinky play into our dynamic," the answer is yes. But D/s is who we are, kink is what we do for fun, so I would say that it is peripheral as it is not the focus of our relationship or my submission.

Day 11 – Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

A) No. I am not service oriented.
B) Well, service has a definition which (I think) runs along the lines of doing for others.
C) I think that service oriented subs get some satisfaction from doing for their D-types, so that's what service implies to me in this context.
D) I just don't enjoy it so I do not identify as a service oriented submissive.

Day 12 – Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

A) In a way, yes.
B) For us it means that Cookie is in control of the finances. When I was working my check went into his bank account. He pays the bills. He does not dictate what I can and cannot do with my own money though.
C) I think it's something to consider very carefully before implementing.

Day 13 – Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

I suppose, but just as I'm available to him, he is also available to me.
Yes there are limits. For example: If one of us is ill the other will not expect to get the hot sexings, or if one of us has had a horrid day sexings might not be in the cards... We are both considerate of the other's emotional and physical well-being.

Day 14 – Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

No. We are Atheists.
It's similar if it is a relationship dynamic that the submissive partner consents to and feels is fulfilling.
The similarity ends if it is not something she consents to, if it doesn't fulfill her, and she's only doing it because her religious beliefs or those of her partner demand it.

Day 15 – Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

It has evolved as my relationship has evolved. The more trust I was able to place in Cookie, the more authority I was willing to grant him.

Day 16 – Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

Yes because no two relationships are exactly the same.

Day 17 – What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

It means that I have faith that he will do what is in our best interest and will not do something that may cause me harm. I can have this faith in him because he has, over time, proven himself to be a person of great integrity who values me and our relationship.

Day 18 – Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

Sweet Dog, we talk about everything. The weather, our dreams, kinky shit we want to try, politics... I don't think we ever stop talking to each other.
And I communicate my desires and needs much in the same way anybody else would- I open my mouth and words come out.

Day 19 – How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

I'm fairly active in the online community because it fills a need to have some connectedness to other people with similar relationship goals.

Day 20 – Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

I wouldn't say it has increased because I think I've always had the same goal in mind for how much of it I was able to express. I think what changed was my ability to express my submission because my partner is receptive and an eager participant. If that makes sense.

Day 21 – Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

Nope.

Day 22 – Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

No. Submission is not a personality trait for me, but how I orient in a relationship. Without a relationship present where I can express this part of myself it does not happen. It might be something I desire, but it's not a priority for me to express it when I'm not in a relationship.

Day 23 – Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

A) I find the notion that submissive equals "Less Than" to be rather repugnant. I get that it's a dynamic that plenty of people enjoy, but the stereotype is what squicks me... I am not worth less than a dominant person, I am not less deserving of common decency or consideration because I identify as a submissive. I have value.
B) Yes. I had a hard time reconciling submission with feminism. In time I decided to become a secular humanist as I felt that more accurately represented my views and I was feeling more and more disconnected from the direction the feminist movement seems to be taking.

Day 24 – What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

There are not any. I do not equate submission to an emotional state- But then I'm part Vulcan so I guess that's just logical.

Day 25 – Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

A) No.
B) It has not occurred to me or something I desire.

Day 26 – What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

A)His Qualities:
Honest
Loyal
Intelligent
Funny
Committed (and not to the looney bin)
An all around decent sort of human being.
B) Whys should he have those traits? Because I tend to think that those traits are what make a person a good dominant for me.
C) Deal Breakers would be:
Dishonesty
Non-monogamous
Lacking intelligence or having a small mind
Lacking a sense of humor
Misogynists are off the list
Abusive tendencies are a no-go
And I could go on and on and on... But I think you get the gist.

Day 27 – Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

I have desires for specific types of play which have not happened yet, but we might get there eventually. If we do that's cool. If we don't it's not a big deal. Though I wouldn't say they were "submissive desires" just desires that include my being submissive to him because he's my Domly and all.

Day 28 – Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

A) How could it? It's not something I rely on.
B) Sure, but the people who have done the criticizing don't matter so it doesn't matter.
C) No. My submission does not impact my life negatively.
D) No. So long as I'm true to myself I'm not likely to make a mistake that would cause me regret.

Day 29 – Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

No. Kinky shit is not part of my submission it is part of my play. They're not interconnected for me.

Day 30 – Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

A) Yes.
B) In all likelihood, yes.
C) Submission on its own is not special to me, it's the relationship and the person I submit to that make it feel like a thing of value. Cookie is awesome, he thinks I'm awesome, our relationship is awesome, and so to me my submission to him is awesome. It's part of a larger picture.

That "30 Days of submission" thing that's making the rounds...

I've seen this thing a few times. A few years back I even cherry-picked some of the questions and answered them because I was bored. They're probably on here somewhere, maybe. I'm not sure what all I moved from various other blogs to this one when I started it up.

But, the point of this isn't to answer these questions (I've included the whole thing below), it's to question the point of the questions because on another lady's blog some imbecilic nitwit (With a whole 29 years of experience!!!) made a remark that got me thinking- He said something along the lines that if you partake in this 30 day activity you're a moron who needs to read more books.

And my brain farted.
pfffft!

I mean, books are great and can teach you a lot about the Kinkyverse around you, but they don't teach you how to take that knowledge and apply it to yourself and your relationship. That's what questions that make you reflect upon yourself, your wants and needs for a relationship, can come in handy. Questioning yourself can help take book learning and turn it into practical application. You'd think that someone with 29 years of experience would recognize that... But like I said: Nitwit.

And granted, some of the questions will probably have more value than others- For myself I'm seeing "Day 1" as having the potential for insight and personal reflection... "Day 21"? Not so much. But some folks may think that positions are an important part of their submission so I'm not going to knock it.

But eh- I fail to see how personal reflection equates to being an idiot. Seems to me that it would be a valuable thing to employ if one were considering entering into a D/s dynamic. So I'm reposting the questions as a tool (or a time waster) for my fellow submissives. I might even answer them... Oh who am I kidding? I like to hear the sound of my fingers typing and I'm pretty damn bored. I'll answer the silly things, probably in one big ass post.