S&M
Sadism & Masochism.
Sadists & Masochists.
People who enjoy inflicting pain & People who enjoy having pain inflicted on them.
I like S&M. Really dig it. It's awesome.
I relish the idea of having some happily squirming person at the end of whatever hitty-whappy-beaty toy I'm wielding...
*Insert needle screeching across a vinyl record here.*
Yeah, I'm a sadist.
I'm also a submissive.
And I bet a few brains just broke with that revelation, didn't they?
Submissives are the folks who get off on pain, right? That's what every single bit of erotica and pornography claims anyways. It's such a pervasive stereotype that people pretty much automatically assume that submissive equals masochist.
And that sucks.
It sucks for the submissives who don't enjoy painful play because when they're new and uninformed they've got this stupid stereotype dictating their behavior. They've got this idea that in order to "Do It Right" they have to put up with play that doesn't interest them or that they don't enjoy, because submissives are masochists.
It sucks for the new dominants who don't enjoy inflicting pain but who have seen that stereotype as well- Doms are sadists. All Doms, all the time, everywhere. To be a proper, real and true Dom, you've got to beat the hell out of your submissive.
It sucks for the tops and bottoms who have no interest in D/s because if they just like feeling pain it's automatically implied that they're submissive and if they like dealing out pain then they must be a Dom, even if all they want is the play and no authority exchange.
So here's the low-down on painful, kinky play-
S&M has nothing to do with what side of the D/s slash you fall on.
Some submissives are masochists.
Some submissives are sadists.
Some submissives want nothing to do with doling out or receiving pain.
Some Dominants are masochists.
Some Dominants are sadists.
Some Dominants want nothing to do with doling out or receiving pain.
Some masochists are submissive.
Some masochists are dominant.
Some masochists want nothing to do with authority transfer.
Some sadists are submissive.
Some sadists are dominant.
Some sadists want nothing to do with authority transfer.
See how that works? What side of the slash a person falls on can have nothing to do with how they feel about S&M. In the same vein, what side of the ampersand a person falls on can have nothing to do with how they feel about authority transfer.
And I thought about this today because I ended up on a pretty well read blog that was going on and on about how all submissives love pain and how they all get off on it and how it's their duty to participate in pain play because they are submissives... And it annoyed me.
It annoyed me because that person was talking out of her ass and needed to get off the internet before she got someone hurt in a bad way with her Real & True tripe. It annoyed me because she obviously didn't have an original thought in her silly, vapid little head, and was parroting shit from popular porn and erotica. It annoyed me because it was being presented as "true" when it was anything but.
So I vented.
I can do that, what with it being my blog and all.
And hopefully, somewhere out there, a new submissive won't feel like she has to endure unwanted painful play, or a new Dom can happly get his bum smacked, or a new top or bottom won't feel like they have to get suckered into a D/s relationship, because now they know better.
*Cue 80's PSA tune: "The more you know... Knowledge is power!"*
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Shit! A Quiz? What's next in this parade of bandwagoning?
E Gads! I'm so bored that I'm doing online quizzes, which I generally think are utter and complete rubbish... I found this one here: http://domination-submission.com/take-a-quiz/the-submissive-test/
The Submissive Test
What Kind of Submissive Are You?
Results
Categories
- The Acolyte Submissive 40%
- The Brat Submissive 36%
- The Cow/Pig Submissive 0%
- The Domestic Submissive 45%
- The Kajira Sub/Slave 25%
- The Little Submissive 13.33%
- The Novice Submissive 0%
- The Painslut Submissive 0%
- The Pet Submissive 36%
- The Pseudo Submissive 25%
- The Warrior Princess Submissive 68%
The Acolyte Submissive. The Acolyte is a disciple, follower, worshipper or priestess, and considers herself a holder of sacred knowledge, a gatekeeper with the keys to her Dominant’s inner sanctum, and a part of a relationship that may transcend even death in a quasi-religious D/s relationship dynamic. In essence, the Lesser God Dominant and his Acolytes create their own private religion. Best matches: The Lesser God Dominant / The White Knight Dominant / The Ineffable Dominant
The Brat Submissive. The brat is a submissive who is generally well-behaved, but has made misbehavior, teasing, and limited kinds of defiance or disobedience an integral part of the D/s dynamic she enjoys with her Dominant, preferably with his full awareness and at least his implied approval. Without the requisite awareness and approval of her Dominant, the more appropriate classification would be the Pseudo-Sub. Best matches: The Daddy/Mommy Dominant / The Tin Pot Dominant
The Cow/Pig Submissive. The Cow or Pig submissive is one who enjoys being treated like a domesticated farm animal, and thrives on humiliation, degradation, and abuse from her Dominant. The relationship dynamic focuses on the real or imagined unattractiveness or worthlessness of the submissive. Cages, crates or pens are typically where the she is most comfortable. Best matches: The Sadistic Dominant / The Gorean Slave Master / The Femdom Mistress.
The Domestic Submissive. Sometimes referred to as a service submissive, she is expected to perform domestic duties such as cooking, cleaning, childcare, chauffeuring, and yard work. The Domestic sub is often expected to be sexually available to the Dominant, and sometimes to his other submissives, friends, or guests. Humiliation role play is quite often a significant part of their dynamic. Best matches: The Sadistic Dominant / The Lesser God Dominant / The FemDom Mistress.
The Kajira Sub/Slave. A female Gorean slave in the tradition of John Norman’s pulp science fiction novels about the planet Gor is referred to as a kajira (plural: kajirae). Kajirae, almost by definition, are typically involved in relationships with Gorean Masters, however it is fairly common to find submissives who have been previously trained as kajirae but are no longer in the Gorean sub-culture and are now involved with other types of Dominants. Even so, it is quite common for certain affectations of the Gorean training to persist. Best matches: The Gorean Slave Master / The Sadistic Dominant / The Ineffable Dominant.
The Little Submissive. A Little is a submissive who finds joy in embracing his or her inner child. This dynamic often involves behaving, speaking, or dressing in a child-like manner or engaging in typical child-appropriate activities, and may or may not involve sex or other adult-appropriate themes and activities. While most Littles and their Mommy or Daddy Doms find age play to be sexually stimulating, there are also many who do not associate being a Little with sex at all. Best match: The Daddy-Mommy Dominant / The White Knight Dominant / The Ineffable Dominant.
The Novice Submissive. The Novice submissive is typically one who has very recently discovered and become excited about the D/s or BDSM lifestyle and has decided that she badly wants to be a part of it at any cost. Unfortunately, this often involves a frenzied and quite often very dangerous quest to find a Master – any Master – as soon as possible. This condition is often referred to as sub frenzy. The Novice submissive is easily spotted in a crowd as the sub who is lecturing anyone who will listen about her version of the “One Twue Way” to live the lifestyle. Best match: The Daddy-Mommy Dominant. Most common, but hardly the best match: The Tin Pot Dominant / The Collector Dominant.
The Painslut Submissive. The Painslut is usually an extreme masochist who enjoys or is aroused by sensations of intense or extreme pain. The Painslut’s primary interest is pain, pure and simple, and the inclusion of the suffix slut is not incidental. Painsluts are often known as much for their sexual promiscuity as they are for their extreme masochism, and they tend to gravitate toward the most sadistic Dominants. Best matches: The Sadistic Dominant / The FemDom Mistress / The Bear Dominant.
The Pet Submissive. A Pet submissive assumes the role of a cherished animal companion to her Dominant, who typically assumes the role of an owner, caretaker, trainer, breeder, or even rider. Pet submissives typically slip in and out of character as needed in order to deal with the more mundane and human aspects of their vanilla lives. The animal personas chosen by Pet submissives generally fall into three categories: kittens, puppies, and ponies. Many Pet Submissives will bristle at the notion that their pet personas are a manifestation of role playing. For many, it is an integral and primary personality characteristic that must be hidden from the vanilla world they have to live in. For those individuals, it is the vanilla façade that they must maintain in public that is the role play. Best matches: The Daddy-Mommy Dominant / The White Knight Dominant / The Ineffable Dominant / The Lesser God Dominant.
The Pseudo Submissive. The pseudo-sub is someone who may be fairly new to the lifestyle and doesn’t quite understand that just because she is a rope-bunny, spankophile, masochist, or bottom, that this doesn’t necessarily make her a submissive. She typically isn’t trying to deceive anyone; it’s all simply the unfortunate but predictable result of erroneously assuming that just because someone is a bottom, she must also be a submissive. The Pseudo-sub likes taking orders from her Dominant, as long as he tells her to do what she would be doing anyway. A pseudo-sub is never wrong. She’s just learning life lessons on her own, the hard way. The Pseudo-sub stands ever-ready to offer her Dominant advice on how to be a better partner. This usually consists of recognizing her bad moods and just not bugging her at those times. Best match: The Tin Pot Dominant / The Collector Dominant.
The Warrior Princess Submissive. is the wicked-smart, strong-willed, uber-competent, ultra-competitive, synergistic, switchy, crusader. She’s no one’s doormat, never a victim. She is a kick-ass submissive for the 21st century. Think: Xena, the Warrior Princess, kneeling at the feet of Hercules. This definitely isn’t a woman in a precarious predicament waiting helplessly for her White Knight to arrive and slay a dragon for her. This was a woman who, as she is kicking the dragon’s ass, smiles at the White Knight standing on the sidelines and says, “Hey, buddy! Feel free to jump right in and lend your sword to this fight. Otherwise, stay the hell out of my way!” The Warrior Princess doesn’t need or want a rescuer. The Warrior Princess needs an ally that she can rely upon in the chaos of battle. She seeks a warrior equal to the tasks that she has already chosen for herself, and is demonstrably capable of accomplishing with, or without, his help. She is willing and able to fight the good fight alone, but welcomes the notion of having a worthy partner, fighting by her side. And yet, when the day’s fighting is done, she is perfectly at ease with considering herself entirely His – heart, might, mind, body, and soul. She is important because she just may be the hope and salvation of this lifestyle. There will come a day, in the not too distant future, when the Warrior Princess Submissive will be forced to become a combatant in a highly politicized war on the BDSM lifestyle. It will be a propaganda war that characterizes all Dominants as abusers and all submissives as victims of abusive and exploitative relationships. When she comes out of the shadows and chooses to fight for this lifestyle instead of against it – as many of her contemporaries will expect her to do – her strong moral compass will reassure those on the sidelines that she is doing what is right and just. Best matches: The Ineffable Dominant / The White Knight Dominant / The Daddy-Mommy Dominant.
That 10 Day Challenge Meme, all in one night (insomnia, yo).
Day 1: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now
Is it weird that I don't have 10 people that I want to say something to right now? I just don't have any pressing shit weighing me down that I feel the need to blog about... I suppose there are ten people I could say "I love you" to, and you can't really say that enough, so I guess I'll go with that. Folks One through Ten, I love you guys. Thanks for being part of my life.
Day 2: Nine things about yourself
ONE: I can lick my own elbow. It's quite possibly my best party trick.
TWO: When my brother and I were small my folks left us alone. I, in all my 13 year old wisdom, decided I wanted to ride my horse and made my brother give me a leg up. My little brother. Who couldn't hoist me up that high. So, I kicked the horse in the ass tossing my leg over her back and she took off bucking and cork-screwing and generally acting like someone lit a fire under her hiney. In between the "O My Go I'm Gonna Die" thoughts I counted, and didn't let go until I reached 8 seconds. Upon which I flew about 10 feet in the air and come to rest square in the middle of a road apple.
THREE: I suffer from crafty ADD. It's a terrible illness where the sufferer trolls pinterest, gets all gung-ho about some new crafty hobby, purchases all the items required to do that hobby, and then promptly loses interest when a new crafty hobby catches their eye. Spare bedroom is a Mini Michael's. It's shameful.
FOUR: I took four years of Spanish in high school. 18 years later and the only thing I can remember is how to ask someone to turn off the lights and how to say "cow."
FIVE: I read the entire dictionary and thesaurus. For fun.
SIX: I hate being hugged. HATE it. So I tend to avoid family get togethers where people will want to touch me because for some reason saying, "I don't like being touched" isn't a good enough reason for folks to keep their damn body parts to themselves.
SEVEN: I suck at math. Anything butt the simplest addition and I need to get out my phone.
EIGHT: After having a talk with my mom the other day, I've come to the conclusion that I might be starting "the change." Usually I like to say, "I am too old for this shit," but this once I'll make an exception- I am too young for this shit!
NINE: I have a shameful affinity for tacky ceramic kitsch from the 50's. I have a shelf full of the gaudiest, goofiest-looking critters, and I think they're awesome.
Day 3: Eight ways to win your heart
Be Cookie.
Yeah, I know, totally lame. But honestly, there were not eight ways (or any one way) that he "won" my heart. It's not a prize. It's a burden. He has to carry it safely for the rest of his days and I have to live knowing that my hear is walking around outside of my body. It's one of the most terrifying feelings imaginable at times...This wasn't the county fair. I offered the burden and he accepted it.
Day 4: Seven things that cross your mind a lot
"Ow! My nose! It's all dry and crunchy inside! I hate winter!"
"Why do I have dogs when dust bunnies make me hurl? Why?"
"I should ride my bike."
"Cookie's awesome.<3 <3 <3"
"How old am I again?"
"I should be writing."
"I wonder if anybody's posted anything new on <insert social media site here>?"
Day 5: Six things you wish you had never done
No regrets.
What happened in my past probably influenced my present, and things not done might equal not having the life I have. And for the life I have? I'd do it all over again, without hesitation.
Day 6: Five people who mean a lot to you (in no order whatsoever)
Cookie
The Mommy
Bestest Girl Friend
The Baby Bro
The Small Folks (I'm counting the twins as one since they're kinda little)
Day 7: Four turn offs
Ignorance.
Bigotry.
Misogyny.
Fox News.
Day 8: Three turn ons
Everything about Cookie. Giggity.
A beautiful mind.
Wit.
Day 9: Two images that describe your life right now and why
Images? Man, don't you know I'm the laziest blogger ever? I don't do images. Plus, my life's not really all that interesting. I do this, I keep my mom company, I play with small folk. I pick up after Cookie, I go on wild spending sprees at Thrift Stores, I plot my eventual domination of the universe, I don't sleep... There's not much to describe.
Day 10: One confession
I'm not at all interesting.
Is it weird that I don't have 10 people that I want to say something to right now? I just don't have any pressing shit weighing me down that I feel the need to blog about... I suppose there are ten people I could say "I love you" to, and you can't really say that enough, so I guess I'll go with that. Folks One through Ten, I love you guys. Thanks for being part of my life.
Day 2: Nine things about yourself
ONE: I can lick my own elbow. It's quite possibly my best party trick.
TWO: When my brother and I were small my folks left us alone. I, in all my 13 year old wisdom, decided I wanted to ride my horse and made my brother give me a leg up. My little brother. Who couldn't hoist me up that high. So, I kicked the horse in the ass tossing my leg over her back and she took off bucking and cork-screwing and generally acting like someone lit a fire under her hiney. In between the "O My Go I'm Gonna Die" thoughts I counted, and didn't let go until I reached 8 seconds. Upon which I flew about 10 feet in the air and come to rest square in the middle of a road apple.
THREE: I suffer from crafty ADD. It's a terrible illness where the sufferer trolls pinterest, gets all gung-ho about some new crafty hobby, purchases all the items required to do that hobby, and then promptly loses interest when a new crafty hobby catches their eye. Spare bedroom is a Mini Michael's. It's shameful.
FOUR: I took four years of Spanish in high school. 18 years later and the only thing I can remember is how to ask someone to turn off the lights and how to say "cow."
FIVE: I read the entire dictionary and thesaurus. For fun.
SIX: I hate being hugged. HATE it. So I tend to avoid family get togethers where people will want to touch me because for some reason saying, "I don't like being touched" isn't a good enough reason for folks to keep their damn body parts to themselves.
SEVEN: I suck at math. Anything butt the simplest addition and I need to get out my phone.
EIGHT: After having a talk with my mom the other day, I've come to the conclusion that I might be starting "the change." Usually I like to say, "I am too old for this shit," but this once I'll make an exception- I am too young for this shit!
NINE: I have a shameful affinity for tacky ceramic kitsch from the 50's. I have a shelf full of the gaudiest, goofiest-looking critters, and I think they're awesome.
Day 3: Eight ways to win your heart
Be Cookie.
Yeah, I know, totally lame. But honestly, there were not eight ways (or any one way) that he "won" my heart. It's not a prize. It's a burden. He has to carry it safely for the rest of his days and I have to live knowing that my hear is walking around outside of my body. It's one of the most terrifying feelings imaginable at times...This wasn't the county fair. I offered the burden and he accepted it.
Day 4: Seven things that cross your mind a lot
"Ow! My nose! It's all dry and crunchy inside! I hate winter!"
"Why do I have dogs when dust bunnies make me hurl? Why?"
"I should ride my bike."
"Cookie's awesome.<3 <3 <3"
"How old am I again?"
"I should be writing."
"I wonder if anybody's posted anything new on <insert social media site here>?"
Day 5: Six things you wish you had never done
No regrets.
What happened in my past probably influenced my present, and things not done might equal not having the life I have. And for the life I have? I'd do it all over again, without hesitation.
Day 6: Five people who mean a lot to you (in no order whatsoever)
Cookie
The Mommy
Bestest Girl Friend
The Baby Bro
The Small Folks (I'm counting the twins as one since they're kinda little)
Day 7: Four turn offs
Ignorance.
Bigotry.
Misogyny.
Fox News.
Day 8: Three turn ons
Everything about Cookie. Giggity.
A beautiful mind.
Wit.
Day 9: Two images that describe your life right now and why
Images? Man, don't you know I'm the laziest blogger ever? I don't do images. Plus, my life's not really all that interesting. I do this, I keep my mom company, I play with small folk. I pick up after Cookie, I go on wild spending sprees at Thrift Stores, I plot my eventual domination of the universe, I don't sleep... There's not much to describe.
Day 10: One confession
I'm not at all interesting.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Dominants Suffer From Truism Too.
I don't usually dissect posts about dominants. They're not the focus of my interests, I'm more about the s-type side of things and the stuff that affects our lives... Which makes sense because that's the side of the slash I have experience on. Write what you know and all that.
Then! I found the post I'm about to eviscerate here in a few minutes and I thought to myself, "Self, we're really doing the decent domly sorts a disservice by not sticking up for them when we stumble upon stupid shit that dictates what they have to do to be true. We really should be pointing out how the True shit hurts those on the other side of the slash as much as it hurts us. Folks should know that there is no one specific thing (or a list of them) that makes a domly "true."
And submissive folks should know that what makes for a "True" dom doesn't necessarily make that guy "right for you." Which is far more important in my book.
True Doms Do XYZ!
a post by: Some Blathering Douchecanoe.
(And no, sorry, I'm not driving traffic towards this guys inane drivel. No link)
My thoughts in Mauve. Mauve is today's color of annoyance.
A Dominant Should Be
… everything to his submissive.
Encouraging someone to have such a limited view of life is not cool. Nobody should be anybody's everything. A) Because it's impossible and B) it's unhealthy to depend or expect that much from another human being. It's an unfair burden to place on someone's shoulders.
A Dominant is a lover, a teacher, a caretaker, a father-figure, a rock.
A dominant is those things ONLY if he agrees to be those things. Not all doms have an interest in being those things and not all submissives want their d-type partner to be those things. Some of us are fully capable of educating ourselves, we already have dads or father figures and don't want/need another, and rocks are a dime a dozen... Unless we're talking about emeralds or The Rock. I hear he cooks.
A submissive needs things from her Dom, some need the removal of certain life responsibilities, some need someone to help them fix their lives, some need someone to tell them exactly what to do and when.
Hrmph.
Poor domly guys, all saddled with irresponsible, broken, directionless adults because that's what you MUST put up with if you want to be True... S-type ladies, don't do this to a guy. It's not fair to expect someone else to have to handle your shit for you.
No matter what you need as a submissive, a true Dom will step up and do what needs to be done, because that’s what a Dom should do.
No. A dom will do what a dom has agreed to do for his partner. And sure, a lot of partners will go above and beyond for someone they care about no matter what their label- But it's not something to expect all the time, no matter what. Especially if that's not what the D-type partner has consented to. There is no "should" when it comes to what happens in relationships.
When entering into a Dom/sub relationship, the Dom should be assessing what your needs are as a submissive. This assessment helps him determine if he is able to give you what you need and if you are willing to give him what he needs.
Ok, I can't actually find fault with this line of reasoning, except as it applies to everything else above.
No matter how you look at it, submissive people are broken, and before anyone jumps on their soap box I will say this is not a bad thing.
*Trots out high horse, soap boxes are for wussies*
Bullshit, uninformed blog writer with an extremely skewed and unflattering view of submissives.
Submissives are broken because they can’t function to the best of their ability without a Dom.
Oh, FFS!
This line of tripe again... Some PEOPLE have a hard time functioning at full capacity without someone else there to back them up. This is not a trait shared only by those who identify as submissive, nor is it something only submissives suffer from.
Some cannot handle the responsibility of Money management or bill paying, so they are always broke or in a really bad place financially. Some cannot seem to manage their time properly, some are overly selfish and cannot be responsible in doing what needs to be done and not what they want to do for their own selfish needs. Some abuse alcohol or drugs to escape their troubles in life which just causes more issues in their life, a never ending cycle. Some don’t take the risks they need to in order to succeed, and some just sit on the sidelines and just watch life pass them by.
D-types suffer from these as well.
Some s-types manage their relationship's finances as a service because they're better with money than their dominant partner.
Some s-types act as their dom's executive assistant, planning his day, reminding him of appointments, ensuring he's on time.
Some dominants are pretty selfish people- Or have you just not been on Fetlife any time in the past 6 years?
Some dominants have addiction issues or use other forms of escapism.
Some are life's wall flowers.
Nothing in this paragraph of stupid is a trait that afflicts only submissives. These are problems anybody can have, no matter what their label.
In short, the submissive is not living up to her full potential and sadly never will because she does not have the ability to make the changes she needs to make (otherwise she wouldn’t be in this position in her life).
Again, you're taking problems any person can have and saying that they only afflict one specific segment of the population- Complete and utter BS.
A submissive needs someone to do this for her, to take control of these “problems” in her life and do what needs to be done to help fix the issues. This is where the Dom steps in … the true Dom will be able to recognize the issues and build a plan in order to resolve them. When I say resolve, do not take that as a definition for “fix permanently”, because it rarely happens. A submissive is “broken” for a reason, it is not something that can be fixed with 2 months or years of work.
What I mean by “fixing” the issue is the Dom is the fix, his control is the fix. If you have issues paying your bills on time or are always too broke to function in life, the Dom steps in and controls that. For example, if you are always spending your money buying everything you want but know you can’t afford, the Dom steps in and puts a stop to that. The Dom gives you an allowance or a set budget, the Dom approves or denies your every purchase. The Dom steps up and helps you stay in control, the Dom is essentially the “fix” for your problem. Even after time, if you remove the Dom, the sub will usually revert (in some form) back to the way things were because the “fix” for the issue is no longer there, the control.
A) No. If a person has these issues they need to pull on their grown-up undies and sort their own shit out.
B) Expecting someone to fix your shit for you is immature and selfish in the extreme.
C) Nobody is obligated to carry the burden of another person's problems unless they choose to.
D) Dominants are not obligated to do any of this without first consenting to it, especially if they have no interest in a partner who is a "fixer-upper."
No two subs are the same so there is no one way to fix everything but the true Dom will be able to figure out a plan and implement it no matter what the issues are.
Unless he has no interest in that. Not all dominants want to take responsibility for a grown adult who should be taking responsibility for their own lives and problems. Someone who is unwilling to shoulder that burden is no less true than someone who is.
The Dom will become the submissive’s control point, the control she needs in order to grow and live up to her full potential. What it all comes down to in the end is Control … the control, the Dom’s control is the fix and this fits in with my other topic of writing about why the Dom needs to be in control of his own life first before ever attempting to control the life of another person.
A Dominant should be everything the submissive needs him to be … in order to help her become everything she can be …
No, no, no.
Adults need to be in control of themselves, period.
If you cannot control yourself, how can you submit?
If you can't control yourself how can you hope to control someone else?
Ugh. This tripe (which is an insult to tripe everywhere) is making my head hurt.
So the submissive should be … everything the Dom wants her to be, to show the appreciation for him being everything she needs him to be …
Why does this feel like Grade A manipulation?
no matter what, Dom/sub is give and take and it has to be in order for it to function properly. A sub should always appreciate and remind herself of everything the Dom is doing for her by being the “fix” for her issues and the Dom should always appreciate that they sub is giving him that control and is offering him what he wants, her ultimate submission.
Oh. Because it is.
In exchange for all that fixing the d-type now gets to expect (and receive) everything his domly little heart could require. And why do I get the feeling that shows of the submissive's appreciation would include doing things on her hard limit list for this guy?
When it’s all said and done, both should be everything the other needs them to be.
No.
When all is said and done, both partner should be exactly what they've agreed to be.
If the dominant partner has not agreed to be his submissive's life coach, therapist, day planner, financial service expert, administrative assistant, teacher, dog walker, father figure... HE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE.
Having no interest in being an enabler does not make him untrue, it makes him incompatible with a submissive who is looking for that in her partner. That's it.
Ugh. Who knew you guys had it so rough?
I feel bad for you all.
BTW subs- D/s is NOT therapy. If you have issues you know you need help with? Hire a therapist. Employ a life coach. Don't expect some poor schmuck with a title to fix the issues you're unwilling to fix yourself. Tat's unfair to him and a recipe for relationship disaster for you both.
Then! I found the post I'm about to eviscerate here in a few minutes and I thought to myself, "Self, we're really doing the decent domly sorts a disservice by not sticking up for them when we stumble upon stupid shit that dictates what they have to do to be true. We really should be pointing out how the True shit hurts those on the other side of the slash as much as it hurts us. Folks should know that there is no one specific thing (or a list of them) that makes a domly "true."
And submissive folks should know that what makes for a "True" dom doesn't necessarily make that guy "right for you." Which is far more important in my book.
True Doms Do XYZ!
a post by: Some Blathering Douchecanoe.
(And no, sorry, I'm not driving traffic towards this guys inane drivel. No link)
My thoughts in Mauve. Mauve is today's color of annoyance.
A Dominant Should Be
… everything to his submissive.
Encouraging someone to have such a limited view of life is not cool. Nobody should be anybody's everything. A) Because it's impossible and B) it's unhealthy to depend or expect that much from another human being. It's an unfair burden to place on someone's shoulders.
A Dominant is a lover, a teacher, a caretaker, a father-figure, a rock.
A dominant is those things ONLY if he agrees to be those things. Not all doms have an interest in being those things and not all submissives want their d-type partner to be those things. Some of us are fully capable of educating ourselves, we already have dads or father figures and don't want/need another, and rocks are a dime a dozen... Unless we're talking about emeralds or The Rock. I hear he cooks.
A submissive needs things from her Dom, some need the removal of certain life responsibilities, some need someone to help them fix their lives, some need someone to tell them exactly what to do and when.
Hrmph.
Poor domly guys, all saddled with irresponsible, broken, directionless adults because that's what you MUST put up with if you want to be True... S-type ladies, don't do this to a guy. It's not fair to expect someone else to have to handle your shit for you.
No matter what you need as a submissive, a true Dom will step up and do what needs to be done, because that’s what a Dom should do.
No. A dom will do what a dom has agreed to do for his partner. And sure, a lot of partners will go above and beyond for someone they care about no matter what their label- But it's not something to expect all the time, no matter what. Especially if that's not what the D-type partner has consented to. There is no "should" when it comes to what happens in relationships.
When entering into a Dom/sub relationship, the Dom should be assessing what your needs are as a submissive. This assessment helps him determine if he is able to give you what you need and if you are willing to give him what he needs.
Ok, I can't actually find fault with this line of reasoning, except as it applies to everything else above.
No matter how you look at it, submissive people are broken, and before anyone jumps on their soap box I will say this is not a bad thing.
*Trots out high horse, soap boxes are for wussies*
Bullshit, uninformed blog writer with an extremely skewed and unflattering view of submissives.
Submissives are broken because they can’t function to the best of their ability without a Dom.
Oh, FFS!
This line of tripe again... Some PEOPLE have a hard time functioning at full capacity without someone else there to back them up. This is not a trait shared only by those who identify as submissive, nor is it something only submissives suffer from.
Some cannot handle the responsibility of Money management or bill paying, so they are always broke or in a really bad place financially. Some cannot seem to manage their time properly, some are overly selfish and cannot be responsible in doing what needs to be done and not what they want to do for their own selfish needs. Some abuse alcohol or drugs to escape their troubles in life which just causes more issues in their life, a never ending cycle. Some don’t take the risks they need to in order to succeed, and some just sit on the sidelines and just watch life pass them by.
D-types suffer from these as well.
Some s-types manage their relationship's finances as a service because they're better with money than their dominant partner.
Some s-types act as their dom's executive assistant, planning his day, reminding him of appointments, ensuring he's on time.
Some dominants are pretty selfish people- Or have you just not been on Fetlife any time in the past 6 years?
Some dominants have addiction issues or use other forms of escapism.
Some are life's wall flowers.
Nothing in this paragraph of stupid is a trait that afflicts only submissives. These are problems anybody can have, no matter what their label.
In short, the submissive is not living up to her full potential and sadly never will because she does not have the ability to make the changes she needs to make (otherwise she wouldn’t be in this position in her life).
Again, you're taking problems any person can have and saying that they only afflict one specific segment of the population- Complete and utter BS.
A submissive needs someone to do this for her, to take control of these “problems” in her life and do what needs to be done to help fix the issues. This is where the Dom steps in … the true Dom will be able to recognize the issues and build a plan in order to resolve them. When I say resolve, do not take that as a definition for “fix permanently”, because it rarely happens. A submissive is “broken” for a reason, it is not something that can be fixed with 2 months or years of work.
What I mean by “fixing” the issue is the Dom is the fix, his control is the fix. If you have issues paying your bills on time or are always too broke to function in life, the Dom steps in and controls that. For example, if you are always spending your money buying everything you want but know you can’t afford, the Dom steps in and puts a stop to that. The Dom gives you an allowance or a set budget, the Dom approves or denies your every purchase. The Dom steps up and helps you stay in control, the Dom is essentially the “fix” for your problem. Even after time, if you remove the Dom, the sub will usually revert (in some form) back to the way things were because the “fix” for the issue is no longer there, the control.
A) No. If a person has these issues they need to pull on their grown-up undies and sort their own shit out.
B) Expecting someone to fix your shit for you is immature and selfish in the extreme.
C) Nobody is obligated to carry the burden of another person's problems unless they choose to.
D) Dominants are not obligated to do any of this without first consenting to it, especially if they have no interest in a partner who is a "fixer-upper."
No two subs are the same so there is no one way to fix everything but the true Dom will be able to figure out a plan and implement it no matter what the issues are.
Unless he has no interest in that. Not all dominants want to take responsibility for a grown adult who should be taking responsibility for their own lives and problems. Someone who is unwilling to shoulder that burden is no less true than someone who is.
The Dom will become the submissive’s control point, the control she needs in order to grow and live up to her full potential. What it all comes down to in the end is Control … the control, the Dom’s control is the fix and this fits in with my other topic of writing about why the Dom needs to be in control of his own life first before ever attempting to control the life of another person.
A Dominant should be everything the submissive needs him to be … in order to help her become everything she can be …
No, no, no.
Adults need to be in control of themselves, period.
If you cannot control yourself, how can you submit?
If you can't control yourself how can you hope to control someone else?
Ugh. This tripe (which is an insult to tripe everywhere) is making my head hurt.
So the submissive should be … everything the Dom wants her to be, to show the appreciation for him being everything she needs him to be …
Why does this feel like Grade A manipulation?
no matter what, Dom/sub is give and take and it has to be in order for it to function properly. A sub should always appreciate and remind herself of everything the Dom is doing for her by being the “fix” for her issues and the Dom should always appreciate that they sub is giving him that control and is offering him what he wants, her ultimate submission.
Oh. Because it is.
In exchange for all that fixing the d-type now gets to expect (and receive) everything his domly little heart could require. And why do I get the feeling that shows of the submissive's appreciation would include doing things on her hard limit list for this guy?
When it’s all said and done, both should be everything the other needs them to be.
No.
When all is said and done, both partner should be exactly what they've agreed to be.
If the dominant partner has not agreed to be his submissive's life coach, therapist, day planner, financial service expert, administrative assistant, teacher, dog walker, father figure... HE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE.
Having no interest in being an enabler does not make him untrue, it makes him incompatible with a submissive who is looking for that in her partner. That's it.
Ugh. Who knew you guys had it so rough?
I feel bad for you all.
BTW subs- D/s is NOT therapy. If you have issues you know you need help with? Hire a therapist. Employ a life coach. Don't expect some poor schmuck with a title to fix the issues you're unwilling to fix yourself. Tat's unfair to him and a recipe for relationship disaster for you both.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Acceptance, Approval, and being "Judgmental As Fuck."
Are any of you guys old enough to remember the good old days when you could say something like "The word 'Daddy' squicks the hell out of me" and nobody batted an eye because you were obviously making a statement that only applied to you and it wasn't an indictment of anybody else who did use that word in their relationship?
Man, those were the days, back before the PC Police came storming into the scene and everybody got so damn prickly and began insisting that we all (everybody, everywhere) had to not only accept their kinks (Damnit! Accept them! Now!) but approve of them as well, and nobody was ever supposed to say anything that could ever be construed as negative.
Sigh.
I suppose the "acceptance" movement must have started off as a reasonable thing, once upon a time. It was probably just this pleasant idea that although you (general you) might not care for a particular activity or you might not want to employ that activity in your relationship, other folks did like that thing and so it was pretty shitty to make negative statements about the people who practiced that activity based solely on your negative perceptions of it (whew! that was a mouthful....*snicker*)
In short: YKINMYATOK- Your Kink Is Not My Kink And That's OK.
You'd think that acceptance, and the popular (if lengthy) acronym would be enough. You'd think that someone saying, "Well, I don't care for X but if you like X, that's cool" would be enough. That acceptance that you have the right to do whatever you want in your relationship no matter how another person feels about it would be plenty.
Sadly, it's not, and the proof of that is all over the Kinkyverse.
Take a harmless question from a newbie as an example: "How do you feel about addressing someone as "Daddy" or being addressed that way?"
Some folks say the like using that label for themselves or their partner. Cool.
Some folks say they don't like using that label for themselves or their partner. Cool.
Someone comes along and explains why they don't care to use that label as it makes them feel icky and squicky and OMFD! End Of The World! Judger! Non-acceptance person! How dare you explain why you don't like that word!? Don't you know that your lack of acceptance might hurt someone's little feelers!
The specific response was, "Total turn off. It was one of my criteria for screening Doms - if they called themself a Daddy Dom, I wouldn't respond. It makes me think of paedophilia and incest."
Me? I read than and I think, "Ok, so that's why that person doesn't care to use that label in her relationship. I can see how someone might feel that way about using that label in their relationship."
The Prickly and the PC Police read that and they hear a condemnation of anybody who likes using that word. They hear, "If YOU use that word it means YOU are into pedophilia and incest and that makes YOU a horrible person!" And then they start shouting about acceptance and judgment and how making a making a statement about your preferences for your relationship is the exact same thing as trashing someone who makes different choices in their relationship.
There's this prevailing attitude that states that the only opinion you're allowed to express is a positive one, otherwise? You're judging.
Personally, I think that idea is a bad one. People need to know that there are others who do not enjoy certain activities or labels and why they don't enjoy them so they can make informed choices. Imagine how hard that would be if the only opinions you hear about something you don't like are positive ones? How will that make you feel? Like there's got to be something wrong with you or that you're not Doing It Right if you don't share those opinions?
It can be tough enough figuring out what you think should be or should not be acceptable behavior or activities in your relationship when you're a newbie. I figure it would be near impossible to figure out what you wanted to accept in your relationship if the only views concerning those things were ones that said everything is and should be acceptable to and approved by you.
Acceptance and approval are not the same thing, and that's a point the Prickly and the PC Police need to understand.
I accept the fact that you have every right to partake in play that I have no interest in.
I accept the fact that people partake in play that I do not understand.
I accept the fact that I have no right to dictate what is acceptable in your relationship.
That's acceptance.
However, there's also approval.
You do not need my approval to engage in play I do not like or understand.
I get the idea that folks think they're one in the same, but they're not.
I can accept that folks like play or labels I do not approve of in my own relationship.
I can accept that folks dislike play or labels that I approve of in my relationship.
My relationship, my approval or disapproval of certain things for my relationship, has absolutely no bearing on your relationship or the fact that I accept how different we all are.
Expressing disapproval of something or why you might disapprove of something is not the same thing as lack of acceptance, it's not judging, and it would be nice to see folks understand the distinction instead of being so eager to start throwing "judgment" accusations when most of the time no judgment has been made.
Man, those were the days, back before the PC Police came storming into the scene and everybody got so damn prickly and began insisting that we all (everybody, everywhere) had to not only accept their kinks (Damnit! Accept them! Now!) but approve of them as well, and nobody was ever supposed to say anything that could ever be construed as negative.
Sigh.
I suppose the "acceptance" movement must have started off as a reasonable thing, once upon a time. It was probably just this pleasant idea that although you (general you) might not care for a particular activity or you might not want to employ that activity in your relationship, other folks did like that thing and so it was pretty shitty to make negative statements about the people who practiced that activity based solely on your negative perceptions of it (whew! that was a mouthful....*snicker*)
In short: YKINMYATOK- Your Kink Is Not My Kink And That's OK.
You'd think that acceptance, and the popular (if lengthy) acronym would be enough. You'd think that someone saying, "Well, I don't care for X but if you like X, that's cool" would be enough. That acceptance that you have the right to do whatever you want in your relationship no matter how another person feels about it would be plenty.
Sadly, it's not, and the proof of that is all over the Kinkyverse.
Take a harmless question from a newbie as an example: "How do you feel about addressing someone as "Daddy" or being addressed that way?"
Some folks say the like using that label for themselves or their partner. Cool.
Some folks say they don't like using that label for themselves or their partner. Cool.
Someone comes along and explains why they don't care to use that label as it makes them feel icky and squicky and OMFD! End Of The World! Judger! Non-acceptance person! How dare you explain why you don't like that word!? Don't you know that your lack of acceptance might hurt someone's little feelers!
The specific response was, "Total turn off. It was one of my criteria for screening Doms - if they called themself a Daddy Dom, I wouldn't respond. It makes me think of paedophilia and incest."
Me? I read than and I think, "Ok, so that's why that person doesn't care to use that label in her relationship. I can see how someone might feel that way about using that label in their relationship."
The Prickly and the PC Police read that and they hear a condemnation of anybody who likes using that word. They hear, "If YOU use that word it means YOU are into pedophilia and incest and that makes YOU a horrible person!" And then they start shouting about acceptance and judgment and how making a making a statement about your preferences for your relationship is the exact same thing as trashing someone who makes different choices in their relationship.
There's this prevailing attitude that states that the only opinion you're allowed to express is a positive one, otherwise? You're judging.
Personally, I think that idea is a bad one. People need to know that there are others who do not enjoy certain activities or labels and why they don't enjoy them so they can make informed choices. Imagine how hard that would be if the only opinions you hear about something you don't like are positive ones? How will that make you feel? Like there's got to be something wrong with you or that you're not Doing It Right if you don't share those opinions?
It can be tough enough figuring out what you think should be or should not be acceptable behavior or activities in your relationship when you're a newbie. I figure it would be near impossible to figure out what you wanted to accept in your relationship if the only views concerning those things were ones that said everything is and should be acceptable to and approved by you.
Acceptance and approval are not the same thing, and that's a point the Prickly and the PC Police need to understand.
I accept the fact that you have every right to partake in play that I have no interest in.
I accept the fact that people partake in play that I do not understand.
I accept the fact that I have no right to dictate what is acceptable in your relationship.
That's acceptance.
However, there's also approval.
You do not need my approval to engage in play I do not like or understand.
I get the idea that folks think they're one in the same, but they're not.
I can accept that folks like play or labels I do not approve of in my own relationship.
I can accept that folks dislike play or labels that I approve of in my relationship.
My relationship, my approval or disapproval of certain things for my relationship, has absolutely no bearing on your relationship or the fact that I accept how different we all are.
Expressing disapproval of something or why you might disapprove of something is not the same thing as lack of acceptance, it's not judging, and it would be nice to see folks understand the distinction instead of being so eager to start throwing "judgment" accusations when most of the time no judgment has been made.
Your Protocol & The Kinkyverse
I just read an interesting thread about people imposing their relationship protocol on folks not involved in that relationship.
It was interesting for a few reasons-
First was it brought to mind an argument Cookie had with some random s-type who insisted rather vehemently that by using a title on him (despite his polite request that she not) she was being respectful and he should like it (he didn't).
The second reason was that it made me think about relationship protocol in public places like munches or dungeons, or any other location kinky folks may gather.
Finally, it made me think about relationship protocol and how it affects other people.
Cookie and I don't use protocol, at all. We don't have any rules about how I'm supposed to address him, what I'm supposed to do when we're around other kinky folk, how I'm supposed to address other kinky folks... Nothing. I guess it's not our cup of tea. Or mine at least. If we ever actually get off our lazy butts and make it out to anything fancier than a munch he might want that to change- But until then, zip, zilch, zero (also, if you're on Kongregate, Zilch is an amusing dice game. I might be slightly addicted).
Anyways, I suppose that given our lack of protocol there might be something I'm missing here, but while I understand protocol that affects just the people in the relationship- I really don't get rules that apply to people outside the relationship.
Example: The oft encountered "If you want to message me, you must message my Dominant/Owner/Master/Whatnot first."
OK, cool- You guys have that rule... But why do I have to obey it? I'm not part of your relationship, I have not consented to abide by any rules you've set out for me, and honestly... If I want to say, "Hey, that post you wrote in X group was awesome, it made me think," I don't see why I should have to jump through hoops to do that.
Example: Third Person Speak "This slave wants to be friends with you. Will you accept a friend request from this slave? This slave would be thrilled if you wanted to be this slave's friend..."
Um... Ow.
My brain bled a little bit writing that out. And hey, once again- Cool that you want to do third person speak in your relationship... But is it really necessary to do that to people outside your relationship who might not like that kind of thing?
Example: Seriously personal dynamic protocol "Daddy weawy weawy wuvs when I use my wittle girl voice an' says I haves ta use it aww da time when he's awound..."
No. Please tell me that you did not just baby talk me (and yes, this has happened to me. I squicked so hard). It's cool that you all enjoy that in your relationship. Awesome for you. For me? You talking taking this bit of relationship protocol public and using it on me makes me incredibly uncomfortable. It makes me never ever ever want to attend another munch where you might be. It wuins my night.
Fuck.
Your D-type has a rule that you must address other D-types with a title?
What if that other D-type thinks that titles are something intimate and doesn't want a complete stranger using what amounts to a term of endearment in his relationship? Would you want a complete stranger calling you sugar bum? No? What if they insisted? You'd probably get upset and frustrated wouldn't you? So think about how that poor person you've just imposed your protocol on feels.
Ok, point of this being- Protocol can be a great thing in a relationship. In your relationship. But I think that there's a line you don't cross and that line happens when you apply your relationship's protocol to anybody outside your relationship without their consent.
Quite a few people don't enjoy being subjected to the rules of another person's relationship. They don't like being told "You must put up with this because my D-type says so." It rubs them the wrong way. An easy fix is to explain to the other person what your protocol is and ask them if it's OK if you follow that protocol when interacting with them. Discuss a Plan B before hand with your D-type in case that person does not want to play along by your relationship's rules.
"My protocol is to address D-types with a title/ my D-type likes me to employ a certain mannerism of speech/ my D-type wants me to behave in this particular way, is that OK with you?" gives the person you're asking a choice. It allows them the opportunity to inform you of their preferences and for you to respond in a way that will avoid negative feelings if they don't like (or are squicked by) your personal protocol.
Gah. As always: YMMV. IMHO only.
Guess I'm just thinking about this and working out some nervous energy because Cookie mentioned something about becoming more involved with the local folks. Also: Totally being passive-aggressive with the baby talk thing. I'm still all yucked out about that.
*squick*
It was interesting for a few reasons-
First was it brought to mind an argument Cookie had with some random s-type who insisted rather vehemently that by using a title on him (despite his polite request that she not) she was being respectful and he should like it (he didn't).
The second reason was that it made me think about relationship protocol in public places like munches or dungeons, or any other location kinky folks may gather.
Finally, it made me think about relationship protocol and how it affects other people.
Cookie and I don't use protocol, at all. We don't have any rules about how I'm supposed to address him, what I'm supposed to do when we're around other kinky folk, how I'm supposed to address other kinky folks... Nothing. I guess it's not our cup of tea. Or mine at least. If we ever actually get off our lazy butts and make it out to anything fancier than a munch he might want that to change- But until then, zip, zilch, zero (also, if you're on Kongregate, Zilch is an amusing dice game. I might be slightly addicted).
Anyways, I suppose that given our lack of protocol there might be something I'm missing here, but while I understand protocol that affects just the people in the relationship- I really don't get rules that apply to people outside the relationship.
Example: The oft encountered "If you want to message me, you must message my Dominant/Owner/Master/Whatnot first."
OK, cool- You guys have that rule... But why do I have to obey it? I'm not part of your relationship, I have not consented to abide by any rules you've set out for me, and honestly... If I want to say, "Hey, that post you wrote in X group was awesome, it made me think," I don't see why I should have to jump through hoops to do that.
Example: Third Person Speak "This slave wants to be friends with you. Will you accept a friend request from this slave? This slave would be thrilled if you wanted to be this slave's friend..."
Um... Ow.
My brain bled a little bit writing that out. And hey, once again- Cool that you want to do third person speak in your relationship... But is it really necessary to do that to people outside your relationship who might not like that kind of thing?
Example: Seriously personal dynamic protocol "Daddy weawy weawy wuvs when I use my wittle girl voice an' says I haves ta use it aww da time when he's awound..."
No. Please tell me that you did not just baby talk me (and yes, this has happened to me. I squicked so hard). It's cool that you all enjoy that in your relationship. Awesome for you. For me? You talking taking this bit of relationship protocol public and using it on me makes me incredibly uncomfortable. It makes me never ever ever want to attend another munch where you might be. It wuins my night.
Fuck.
Your D-type has a rule that you must address other D-types with a title?
What if that other D-type thinks that titles are something intimate and doesn't want a complete stranger using what amounts to a term of endearment in his relationship? Would you want a complete stranger calling you sugar bum? No? What if they insisted? You'd probably get upset and frustrated wouldn't you? So think about how that poor person you've just imposed your protocol on feels.
Ok, point of this being- Protocol can be a great thing in a relationship. In your relationship. But I think that there's a line you don't cross and that line happens when you apply your relationship's protocol to anybody outside your relationship without their consent.
Quite a few people don't enjoy being subjected to the rules of another person's relationship. They don't like being told "You must put up with this because my D-type says so." It rubs them the wrong way. An easy fix is to explain to the other person what your protocol is and ask them if it's OK if you follow that protocol when interacting with them. Discuss a Plan B before hand with your D-type in case that person does not want to play along by your relationship's rules.
"My protocol is to address D-types with a title/ my D-type likes me to employ a certain mannerism of speech/ my D-type wants me to behave in this particular way, is that OK with you?" gives the person you're asking a choice. It allows them the opportunity to inform you of their preferences and for you to respond in a way that will avoid negative feelings if they don't like (or are squicked by) your personal protocol.
Gah. As always: YMMV. IMHO only.
Guess I'm just thinking about this and working out some nervous energy because Cookie mentioned something about becoming more involved with the local folks. Also: Totally being passive-aggressive with the baby talk thing. I'm still all yucked out about that.
*squick*
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
The Super-Uber Guru D-type & "Homework"
Insomnia sucks.
It sucks so hard that if it were able to manifest in some physical form it would be able to suck a monkey through fifty feet of garden hose.
I really don't enjoy it despite the amusing mental image (or terrifying, if you happen to be a monkey).
But since I am a fan of Monty Python and I enjoy whistling I am deciding to always look on the bright side of life (insert whistling here).
I now have even more hours in my supremely uneventful day full of hours to stroll about the Kinkyverse searching for blog fodder, and having so much time means I no longer find myself limited to reading new stuff! Oh no! Now I get to dig deep into the archives of Fet and Google to see what sorts of silliness I can unearth.
Today Gem: The DIY Submissive.
(Or- The Lazy, Non Communicative Dom)
"I am very new to the world of BDSM, and have been told by a perspective Dom to do my research and homework. What do you enjoy most? What are the components of a D/s relationship? What all does it entail?"
It's not that I find the questions themselves to be so out of the ordinary, they're perfectly reasonable questions for any newbie to have. A newbie is totally justified in her curiosity about what activities others find enjoyable, what things are part of a D/s relationship, and what those things can mean. Super understandable to ask more experienced folks about this sort of stuff.
What I don't understand is the D-type who can't answer those questions- Or even more strangely, won't answer those questions for a prospective partner. I mean, they're the one who should be able to provide the most accurate answers, yeah?
Us helpful sorts, we can answer some of those questions with a lot of generalizations and things that our relationships include, but we can't exactly tell a newbie what her prospective D-type will enjoy or what she can expect from a relationship with him... Because: We're not him.
So it makes me wonder; Why is this type of question so common?
Is it because newbies might not be sure what questions they should be asking a prospective dominant?
What type of activities do you enjoy?
What do you feel are the components of a D/s relationship?
What do those things mean?
Is it because they think they're not supposed to ask a prospective dominant questions or expect that person to answer their questions?
Helpful hint: You can and they should.
Or is it (as I suspect) a case of Extreme Laziness, Reluctance/Inability to Communicate, or Cluelessness on the part of the D-type? Because I can't fathom why anybody who is looking for a partner would tell the person they're interested in to go ask a bunch of strangers for the answer.
If you were to start talking to a vanilla guy and asked him "So, what will a relationship with you look like" you'd probably head for the hills or laugh your ass off if her told you to go ask other people in that sort of relationship what to expect. So why is it totally kopasetic when a D-type pulls this stunt?
Maybe I could understand it if this was some Hollywood movie where the submissive MC was on some epic quest to find themselves and the answer to the universe's biggest question (42), and they seek the knowledge of some Super-Uber Guru D-Type Dude... But the MC has script writers on her side and is guaranteed a positive outcome- In 120 minutes or less, even.
But in real life? No.
Meh. I babble.
Returning to the Three Likeliest Culprits...
Cluelessness is sorta-excusable. I'm able to get my head around the idea that someone who is new might not want to admit to a lack of knowledge (because D-type know everything, ever, yo), and treat a newbie sub's questions like a search to find the holy grail... "Seek and ye shall find, grasshopper." Or, "Go do your homework and report back to me with notes I can crib from."
Extreme Laziness... Ehhhh. I'm not so sure I'd want to be in a relationship with someone who couldn't be bothered to explain the relationship I could expect to have with them. I don't know about you guys, but a lack of effort like that would make me wonder if that person was even into me. Or, worse yet, what parts of a relationship would also suffer because of that laziness. "Meh. Go tie yourself up. I'll be there in a minute. As soon as I can get off the couch... Uh, go get me a pop first, though."
Reluctance/Inability to Communicate- Ok, so it can be hard sometimes to express kinky desires to someone else. I've been around the block a time or two and I can still blush like a school girl when suggesting something new to Cookie )something he teases me mercilessly for, that pooka)... But communication is a rather important thing in any relationship, perhaps even more so in a D/s one if you want to get your needs met. "Um. What do I want to do? Uh... Go ask the internet." Kind of seems like a hit-or-miss proposition there because in all likelihood, the internet isn't going to give the answer you're hoping to get.
So yeah. I don't understand the Super-Uber Guru D-Type Dude method here, and like I said, I have a few miles on me here in the Kinkyverse. I can usually ferret out any whiff of logic an idea might possess, and all I'm sniffing here is something fishy.
I guess now I should insert something helpful for the newbie s-types...
Ok, got it.
Since it's not at all logical or helpful for a newbie to be expected to use the helpful denizens of the Kinkyverse to answer any questions she may have about a relationship with a prospective partner, what is a newbie to do?
Personally, I'd ask "Why is it that you cannot answer those questions for me?"
How the prospective D-type answered would tell me a lot about them as a person-
Getting all growly because how dare I ask them...
Some excuse about homework or an assignment or any other deflective BS...
Pretty much any answer except an honest. straight-forward answer would convince me that my time would be better spent elsewhere and with someone who was capable of answering relatively simple questions.
What you choose to do in this situation- That's up to you.
It sucks so hard that if it were able to manifest in some physical form it would be able to suck a monkey through fifty feet of garden hose.
I really don't enjoy it despite the amusing mental image (or terrifying, if you happen to be a monkey).
But since I am a fan of Monty Python and I enjoy whistling I am deciding to always look on the bright side of life (insert whistling here).
I now have even more hours in my supremely uneventful day full of hours to stroll about the Kinkyverse searching for blog fodder, and having so much time means I no longer find myself limited to reading new stuff! Oh no! Now I get to dig deep into the archives of Fet and Google to see what sorts of silliness I can unearth.
Today Gem: The DIY Submissive.
(Or- The Lazy, Non Communicative Dom)
"I am very new to the world of BDSM, and have been told by a perspective Dom to do my research and homework. What do you enjoy most? What are the components of a D/s relationship? What all does it entail?"
It's not that I find the questions themselves to be so out of the ordinary, they're perfectly reasonable questions for any newbie to have. A newbie is totally justified in her curiosity about what activities others find enjoyable, what things are part of a D/s relationship, and what those things can mean. Super understandable to ask more experienced folks about this sort of stuff.
What I don't understand is the D-type who can't answer those questions- Or even more strangely, won't answer those questions for a prospective partner. I mean, they're the one who should be able to provide the most accurate answers, yeah?
Us helpful sorts, we can answer some of those questions with a lot of generalizations and things that our relationships include, but we can't exactly tell a newbie what her prospective D-type will enjoy or what she can expect from a relationship with him... Because: We're not him.
So it makes me wonder; Why is this type of question so common?
Is it because newbies might not be sure what questions they should be asking a prospective dominant?
What type of activities do you enjoy?
What do you feel are the components of a D/s relationship?
What do those things mean?
Is it because they think they're not supposed to ask a prospective dominant questions or expect that person to answer their questions?
Helpful hint: You can and they should.
Or is it (as I suspect) a case of Extreme Laziness, Reluctance/Inability to Communicate, or Cluelessness on the part of the D-type? Because I can't fathom why anybody who is looking for a partner would tell the person they're interested in to go ask a bunch of strangers for the answer.
If you were to start talking to a vanilla guy and asked him "So, what will a relationship with you look like" you'd probably head for the hills or laugh your ass off if her told you to go ask other people in that sort of relationship what to expect. So why is it totally kopasetic when a D-type pulls this stunt?
Maybe I could understand it if this was some Hollywood movie where the submissive MC was on some epic quest to find themselves and the answer to the universe's biggest question (42), and they seek the knowledge of some Super-Uber Guru D-Type Dude... But the MC has script writers on her side and is guaranteed a positive outcome- In 120 minutes or less, even.
But in real life? No.
Meh. I babble.
Returning to the Three Likeliest Culprits...
Cluelessness is sorta-excusable. I'm able to get my head around the idea that someone who is new might not want to admit to a lack of knowledge (because D-type know everything, ever, yo), and treat a newbie sub's questions like a search to find the holy grail... "Seek and ye shall find, grasshopper." Or, "Go do your homework and report back to me with notes I can crib from."
Extreme Laziness... Ehhhh. I'm not so sure I'd want to be in a relationship with someone who couldn't be bothered to explain the relationship I could expect to have with them. I don't know about you guys, but a lack of effort like that would make me wonder if that person was even into me. Or, worse yet, what parts of a relationship would also suffer because of that laziness. "Meh. Go tie yourself up. I'll be there in a minute. As soon as I can get off the couch... Uh, go get me a pop first, though."
Reluctance/Inability to Communicate- Ok, so it can be hard sometimes to express kinky desires to someone else. I've been around the block a time or two and I can still blush like a school girl when suggesting something new to Cookie )something he teases me mercilessly for, that pooka)... But communication is a rather important thing in any relationship, perhaps even more so in a D/s one if you want to get your needs met. "Um. What do I want to do? Uh... Go ask the internet." Kind of seems like a hit-or-miss proposition there because in all likelihood, the internet isn't going to give the answer you're hoping to get.
So yeah. I don't understand the Super-Uber Guru D-Type Dude method here, and like I said, I have a few miles on me here in the Kinkyverse. I can usually ferret out any whiff of logic an idea might possess, and all I'm sniffing here is something fishy.
I guess now I should insert something helpful for the newbie s-types...
Ok, got it.
Since it's not at all logical or helpful for a newbie to be expected to use the helpful denizens of the Kinkyverse to answer any questions she may have about a relationship with a prospective partner, what is a newbie to do?
Personally, I'd ask "Why is it that you cannot answer those questions for me?"
How the prospective D-type answered would tell me a lot about them as a person-
Getting all growly because how dare I ask them...
Some excuse about homework or an assignment or any other deflective BS...
Pretty much any answer except an honest. straight-forward answer would convince me that my time would be better spent elsewhere and with someone who was capable of answering relatively simple questions.
What you choose to do in this situation- That's up to you.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Slaves Can't Say No.
Being a painfully literal person sucks sometimes.
Like when I'm involved in a discussion about the differences between a submissive and a slave (BTW, I think the only quantifiable difference is the amount of letters it takes to spell each word), and someone comes along and says, "Well, a slave can't say no."
And then my brain, who is a great big jerk, gets this mental image of someone desperately trying to form the word "no" and speak it, but it's just not working for them.
"Nnnnn... NNNNnnnnn! Nuh, nuh, Nuuuuuuuh... Oh, fuck it."
Plus, there's that super twitchy feeling I get when people lay down gross generalizations and inaccurate information like it's the holy gospel of kinky truth. Just thinking about it is making my right eyelid spasm.
*twitch, twitch, twitch*
Slaves, like most people capable of speaking words out loud can say no just as well as anybody else, and for those who can't actually speak- Well, I figure that sign language would work just as well. Unless maybe they're tied up. Or wearing mittens. Mittens might interfere with that sort of thing...
Anyways, back to the point (if I have one. I might not. I'm out of diet Dew and have had to settle for a vastly inferior diet Pepsi this morning. It's just not cutting it).
Slaves can say no.
They're just as able of saying no as a over-tired toddler faced with an unwanted nap.
Whether they choose to use that word or not in their own personal relationship dynamic- That is an entirely different story.
And! I think it's one worth mentioning because as a blanket statement, the idea that if someone identifies as a slave means that they are never able to say no to something... It's an idea that can get new people into a world of hurt (and not the fun, kinky kind of hurt). When you tell a newbie who wants to identify as a slave that "a slave can't say no" you're creating a paradigm that allows for the potential of really bad shit to happen. Hell, even just mildly bad shit which could just result in an experience that would demolish any interest they might have had in WIITWD.
When you say "A slave can't say no" to a newbie, they don't understand that the lack of "no" in that relationship is the product of (hopefully) a great deal of negotiation over limits and boundaries and a massive amount of trust between a slave and her master that has been established over time. And even then, even if "no" has been negotiated out of the relationship, there are probably instances where it could still be used. The nuances are lost on that new person because odds are really good their only experience of BDSM to that point is crappy erotica and porn.
What they hear instead is literally what you're saying, that they can't say no. Ever. No matter what.
Then, the predatory or uninformed D-types come along and reinforce that idea with their manipulative "Good S-types Don't" drivel, they read the incredibly stupid lists dictating what Real & True s-types do, and common sense takes a flying leap out the nearest window.
Slaves can say "no".
I would strongly encourage anybody who identifies as a slave to refrain from giving up the ability to say no in their relationship until you know someone so well that there is no doubt in your mind that they would ever tell you to do something you would need to say no to.
That's the distinction left out in the generalization- People who say that they can't say no to their master are not saying that they're incapable of speaking the word, they're saying that the relationship they've built has such a solid foundation of trust that they don't need to say no.
They're saying that they've either negotiated "no" out of the equation by agreeing to a consensual non-consent (CNC) dynamic OR that there's no way in hell their partner would ever demand something of them that they would have to refuse. They know their partner well enough to know that he would never order them to cut off their arm or kill a dog or any of the horrible things that would elicit the use of "no." They are certain that their partner knows them well enough that he knows what orders would require a "no" answer, and he doesn't demand those things.
That kind of relationship isn't something that happens in a few messages over Skype or whatever kinky website you're using. Those are things that are established slowly, over time. Lots and lots of time.
So hang on to your "no" until you've built a relationship where you won't need to use it.
And feel free to use it on any nitwit who tries to tell you right off the bat that you can't tell him no. He deserves it... That, and a swift kick in the ass.
Like when I'm involved in a discussion about the differences between a submissive and a slave (BTW, I think the only quantifiable difference is the amount of letters it takes to spell each word), and someone comes along and says, "Well, a slave can't say no."
And then my brain, who is a great big jerk, gets this mental image of someone desperately trying to form the word "no" and speak it, but it's just not working for them.
"Nnnnn... NNNNnnnnn! Nuh, nuh, Nuuuuuuuh... Oh, fuck it."
Plus, there's that super twitchy feeling I get when people lay down gross generalizations and inaccurate information like it's the holy gospel of kinky truth. Just thinking about it is making my right eyelid spasm.
*twitch, twitch, twitch*
Slaves, like most people capable of speaking words out loud can say no just as well as anybody else, and for those who can't actually speak- Well, I figure that sign language would work just as well. Unless maybe they're tied up. Or wearing mittens. Mittens might interfere with that sort of thing...
Anyways, back to the point (if I have one. I might not. I'm out of diet Dew and have had to settle for a vastly inferior diet Pepsi this morning. It's just not cutting it).
Slaves can say no.
They're just as able of saying no as a over-tired toddler faced with an unwanted nap.
Whether they choose to use that word or not in their own personal relationship dynamic- That is an entirely different story.
And! I think it's one worth mentioning because as a blanket statement, the idea that if someone identifies as a slave means that they are never able to say no to something... It's an idea that can get new people into a world of hurt (and not the fun, kinky kind of hurt). When you tell a newbie who wants to identify as a slave that "a slave can't say no" you're creating a paradigm that allows for the potential of really bad shit to happen. Hell, even just mildly bad shit which could just result in an experience that would demolish any interest they might have had in WIITWD.
When you say "A slave can't say no" to a newbie, they don't understand that the lack of "no" in that relationship is the product of (hopefully) a great deal of negotiation over limits and boundaries and a massive amount of trust between a slave and her master that has been established over time. And even then, even if "no" has been negotiated out of the relationship, there are probably instances where it could still be used. The nuances are lost on that new person because odds are really good their only experience of BDSM to that point is crappy erotica and porn.
What they hear instead is literally what you're saying, that they can't say no. Ever. No matter what.
Then, the predatory or uninformed D-types come along and reinforce that idea with their manipulative "Good S-types Don't" drivel, they read the incredibly stupid lists dictating what Real & True s-types do, and common sense takes a flying leap out the nearest window.
Slaves can say "no".
I would strongly encourage anybody who identifies as a slave to refrain from giving up the ability to say no in their relationship until you know someone so well that there is no doubt in your mind that they would ever tell you to do something you would need to say no to.
That's the distinction left out in the generalization- People who say that they can't say no to their master are not saying that they're incapable of speaking the word, they're saying that the relationship they've built has such a solid foundation of trust that they don't need to say no.
They're saying that they've either negotiated "no" out of the equation by agreeing to a consensual non-consent (CNC) dynamic OR that there's no way in hell their partner would ever demand something of them that they would have to refuse. They know their partner well enough to know that he would never order them to cut off their arm or kill a dog or any of the horrible things that would elicit the use of "no." They are certain that their partner knows them well enough that he knows what orders would require a "no" answer, and he doesn't demand those things.
That kind of relationship isn't something that happens in a few messages over Skype or whatever kinky website you're using. Those are things that are established slowly, over time. Lots and lots of time.
So hang on to your "no" until you've built a relationship where you won't need to use it.
And feel free to use it on any nitwit who tries to tell you right off the bat that you can't tell him no. He deserves it... That, and a swift kick in the ass.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
On Condoms & Insistance of Their Usage
I'm a lucky girl.
Cookie and I are fluid bonded, monogamous, and the only time we use condoms is when I'm ovulating (because three Junior Sqeakies are more than plenty). So protection isn't really something that's on my radar, it's not something I think about except when I'm putting Cookie's socks away and I move the box-o-rubbers. And even then it's kind of like, "Eh. That's feeling pretty light. I should probably get some more cock wrap the next time I'm at Meijer's."
Condoms are not something I've written about, and I probably should have because it's a topic that comes up pretty often in regards to newbie submissive ladies. Most often in questions that start something like this:
"My new Dom says a true submissive doesn't insist on using condoms..."
And that's a pretty shitty thing to have to worry about, right? That looking after your physical health might make you some sort of Untrue or that you have to abandon safety precautions because some nitwit with a self appointed title says so. Pretty effing shitty. Newbies have enough on their plates without worrying about the moronic and potentially dangerous dictates of manipulative DimDoms.
So, condoms-
They're a pain in the ass, very few people enjoy using them, and some men (and women) have been trying to weasel their way out of using them for ages. There are a million and one excuses for not using them ranging from the painfully moronic ("You can't get pregnant the first time") to the whiney and self serving ("But baby, it just doesn't feel as nice") to blatant lies ("Of course I'm clean") and anything else a person can think of saying to get out of sticking a cock in a bit of latex.
In Vanilla Land we've been trained to recognize those excuses for what they are- Bullshit. Any self respecting Sex Ed class teaches that condoms, although they don't eliminate all risk, do mitigate that risk and bring it down to a level most safety-minded folks are willing to accept.
But then folks wander into the Kinkyverse and all that education falls by the wayside with one stupid dictate- "My new Dom said..."
Suddenly, just because some nitwit who's given himself a meaningless title says "True subs wouldn't make their Dom use a rubber!" some newbies begin to doubt their right to insist on practicing safer sex. They might think that because this guys says so, everything they've learned previous to this moment has to take a back seat to the dictates of New Dom because, Dom.
Point blank: It doesn't.
Title or no title an excuse is an excuse, and that's all this No Condom BS is- A self serving excuse from a manipulative man-child who wants to put his peepee inside you with no thought about your health.
Yes, you can insist on condom usage until you decide to fluid bond with a partner. You can tell him, "No glove, no love." You can walk out the door and not look back if he keeps bitching about something that millions of men do every day. You do NOT have to fuck him bareback just because he says so (unless that's what you want and agree to do).
Of course saying "No glove, no love" might mean that Mr. Domly Charming might cut and run- Just like he can't force you to have sex without a condom, you can't force him to have sex with a condom, so it's up to you to decide if he's such a great catch that you're willing to call it quits.
Personally though- I wouldn't consider someone who rated their momentary pleasure to be more important than my health to be the guy of my dreams. But that's me and you're you. Your choices don't have to be the same as mine, but at least you know that you have choices. You don't have to have unprotected sex just because some ninny who doesn't want to wear a rubber is whining at you and trying to use the True Sub Excuse to get his way.
Cookie and I are fluid bonded, monogamous, and the only time we use condoms is when I'm ovulating (because three Junior Sqeakies are more than plenty). So protection isn't really something that's on my radar, it's not something I think about except when I'm putting Cookie's socks away and I move the box-o-rubbers. And even then it's kind of like, "Eh. That's feeling pretty light. I should probably get some more cock wrap the next time I'm at Meijer's."
Condoms are not something I've written about, and I probably should have because it's a topic that comes up pretty often in regards to newbie submissive ladies. Most often in questions that start something like this:
"My new Dom says a true submissive doesn't insist on using condoms..."
And that's a pretty shitty thing to have to worry about, right? That looking after your physical health might make you some sort of Untrue or that you have to abandon safety precautions because some nitwit with a self appointed title says so. Pretty effing shitty. Newbies have enough on their plates without worrying about the moronic and potentially dangerous dictates of manipulative DimDoms.
So, condoms-
They're a pain in the ass, very few people enjoy using them, and some men (and women) have been trying to weasel their way out of using them for ages. There are a million and one excuses for not using them ranging from the painfully moronic ("You can't get pregnant the first time") to the whiney and self serving ("But baby, it just doesn't feel as nice") to blatant lies ("Of course I'm clean") and anything else a person can think of saying to get out of sticking a cock in a bit of latex.
In Vanilla Land we've been trained to recognize those excuses for what they are- Bullshit. Any self respecting Sex Ed class teaches that condoms, although they don't eliminate all risk, do mitigate that risk and bring it down to a level most safety-minded folks are willing to accept.
But then folks wander into the Kinkyverse and all that education falls by the wayside with one stupid dictate- "My new Dom said..."
Suddenly, just because some nitwit who's given himself a meaningless title says "True subs wouldn't make their Dom use a rubber!" some newbies begin to doubt their right to insist on practicing safer sex. They might think that because this guys says so, everything they've learned previous to this moment has to take a back seat to the dictates of New Dom because, Dom.
Point blank: It doesn't.
Title or no title an excuse is an excuse, and that's all this No Condom BS is- A self serving excuse from a manipulative man-child who wants to put his peepee inside you with no thought about your health.
Yes, you can insist on condom usage until you decide to fluid bond with a partner. You can tell him, "No glove, no love." You can walk out the door and not look back if he keeps bitching about something that millions of men do every day. You do NOT have to fuck him bareback just because he says so (unless that's what you want and agree to do).
Of course saying "No glove, no love" might mean that Mr. Domly Charming might cut and run- Just like he can't force you to have sex without a condom, you can't force him to have sex with a condom, so it's up to you to decide if he's such a great catch that you're willing to call it quits.
Personally though- I wouldn't consider someone who rated their momentary pleasure to be more important than my health to be the guy of my dreams. But that's me and you're you. Your choices don't have to be the same as mine, but at least you know that you have choices. You don't have to have unprotected sex just because some ninny who doesn't want to wear a rubber is whining at you and trying to use the True Sub Excuse to get his way.
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