Are any of you guys old enough to remember the good old days when you could say something like "The word 'Daddy' squicks the hell out of me" and nobody batted an eye because you were obviously making a statement that only applied to you and it wasn't an indictment of anybody else who did use that word in their relationship?
Man, those were the days, back before the PC Police came storming into the scene and everybody got so damn prickly and began insisting that we all (everybody, everywhere) had to not only accept their kinks (Damnit! Accept them! Now!) but approve of them as well, and nobody was ever supposed to say anything that could ever be construed as negative.
Sigh.
I suppose the "acceptance" movement must have started off as a reasonable thing, once upon a time. It was probably just this pleasant idea that although you (general you) might not care for a particular activity or you might not want to employ that activity in your relationship, other folks did like that thing and so it was pretty shitty to make negative statements about the people who practiced that activity based solely on your negative perceptions of it (whew! that was a mouthful....*snicker*)
In short: YKINMYATOK- Your Kink Is Not My Kink And That's OK.
You'd think that acceptance, and the popular (if lengthy) acronym would be enough. You'd think that someone saying, "Well, I don't care for X but if you like X, that's cool" would be enough. That acceptance that you have the right to do whatever you want in your relationship no matter how another person feels about it would be plenty.
Sadly, it's not, and the proof of that is all over the Kinkyverse.
Take a harmless question from a newbie as an example: "How do you feel about addressing someone as "Daddy" or being addressed that way?"
Some folks say the like using that label for themselves or their partner. Cool.
Some folks say they don't like using that label for themselves or their partner. Cool.
Someone comes along and explains why they don't care to use that label as it makes them feel icky and squicky and OMFD! End Of The World! Judger! Non-acceptance person! How dare you explain why you don't like that word!? Don't you know that your lack of acceptance might hurt someone's little feelers!
The specific response was, "Total turn off. It was one of my criteria for screening Doms - if they called themself a Daddy Dom, I wouldn't respond. It makes me think of paedophilia and incest."
Me? I read than and I think, "Ok, so that's why that person doesn't care to use that label in her relationship. I can see how someone might feel that way about using that label in their relationship."
The Prickly and the PC Police read that and they hear a condemnation of anybody who likes using that word. They hear, "If YOU use that word it means YOU are into pedophilia and incest and that makes YOU a horrible person!" And then they start shouting about acceptance and judgment and how making a making a statement about your preferences for your relationship is the exact same thing as trashing someone who makes different choices in their relationship.
There's this prevailing attitude that states that the only opinion you're allowed to express is a positive one, otherwise? You're judging.
Personally, I think that idea is a bad one. People need to know that there are others who do not enjoy certain activities or labels and why they don't enjoy them so they can make informed choices. Imagine how hard that would be if the only opinions you hear about something you don't like are positive ones? How will that make you feel? Like there's got to be something wrong with you or that you're not Doing It Right if you don't share those opinions?
It can be tough enough figuring out what you think should be or should not be acceptable behavior or activities in your relationship when you're a newbie. I figure it would be near impossible to figure out what you wanted to accept in your relationship if the only views concerning those things were ones that said everything is and should be acceptable to and approved by you.
Acceptance and approval are not the same thing, and that's a point the Prickly and the PC Police need to understand.
I accept the fact that you have every right to partake in play that I have no interest in.
I accept the fact that people partake in play that I do not understand.
I accept the fact that I have no right to dictate what is acceptable in your relationship.
That's acceptance.
However, there's also approval.
You do not need my approval to engage in play I do not like or understand.
I get the idea that folks think they're one in the same, but they're not.
I can accept that folks like play or labels I do not approve of in my own relationship.
I can accept that folks dislike play or labels that I approve of in my relationship.
My relationship, my approval or disapproval of certain things for my relationship, has absolutely no bearing on your relationship or the fact that I accept how different we all are.
Expressing disapproval of something or why you might disapprove of something is not the same thing as lack of acceptance, it's not judging, and it would be nice to see folks understand the distinction instead of being so eager to start throwing "judgment" accusations when most of the time no judgment has been made.
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