Your Protocol & The Kinkyverse

I just read an interesting thread about people imposing their relationship protocol on folks not involved in that relationship.

It was interesting for a few reasons-
First was it brought to mind an argument Cookie had with some random s-type who insisted rather vehemently that by using a title on him (despite his polite request that she not) she was being respectful and he should like it (he didn't).
The second reason was that it made me think about relationship protocol in public places like munches or dungeons, or any other location kinky folks may gather.
Finally, it made me think about relationship protocol and how it affects other people.

Cookie and I don't use protocol, at all. We don't have any rules about how I'm supposed to address him, what I'm supposed to do when we're around other kinky folk, how I'm supposed to address other kinky folks... Nothing. I guess it's not our cup of tea. Or mine at least. If we ever actually get off our lazy butts and make it out to anything fancier than a munch he might want that to change- But until then, zip, zilch, zero (also, if you're on Kongregate, Zilch is an amusing dice game. I might be slightly addicted).

Anyways, I suppose that given our lack of protocol there might be something I'm missing here, but while I understand protocol that affects just the people in the relationship- I really don't get rules that apply to people outside the relationship.

Example: The oft encountered "If you want to message me, you must message my Dominant/Owner/Master/Whatnot first."
OK, cool- You guys have that rule... But why do I have to obey it? I'm not part of your relationship, I have not consented to abide by any rules you've set out for me, and honestly... If I want to say, "Hey, that post you wrote in X group was awesome, it made me think," I don't see why I should have to jump through hoops to do that.

Example: Third Person Speak "This slave wants to be friends with you. Will you accept a friend request from this slave? This slave would be thrilled if you wanted to be this slave's friend..."
Um... Ow.
My brain bled a little bit writing that out. And hey, once again- Cool that you want to do third person speak in your relationship... But is it really necessary to do that to people outside your relationship who might not like that kind of thing?

Example: Seriously personal dynamic protocol "Daddy weawy weawy wuvs when I use my wittle girl voice an' says I haves ta use it aww da time when he's awound..."
No. Please tell me that you did not just baby talk me (and yes, this has happened to me. I squicked so hard). It's cool that you all enjoy that in your relationship. Awesome for you. For me? You talking taking this bit of relationship protocol public and using it on me makes me incredibly uncomfortable. It makes me never ever ever want to attend another munch where you might be. It wuins my night.
Fuck.

Your D-type has a rule that you must address other D-types with a title?
What if that other D-type thinks that titles are something intimate and doesn't want a complete stranger using what amounts to a term of endearment in his relationship? Would you want a complete stranger calling you sugar bum? No? What if they insisted? You'd probably get upset and frustrated wouldn't you? So think about how that poor person you've just imposed your protocol on feels.

Ok, point of this being- Protocol can be a great thing in a relationship. In your relationship. But I think that there's a line you don't cross and that line happens when you apply your relationship's protocol to anybody outside your relationship without their consent.

Quite a few people don't enjoy being subjected to the rules of another person's relationship. They don't like being told "You must put up with this because my D-type says so." It rubs them the wrong way. An easy fix is to explain to the other person what your protocol is and ask them if it's OK if you follow that protocol when interacting with them. Discuss a Plan B before hand with your D-type in case that person does not want to play along by your relationship's rules.

"My protocol is to address D-types with a title/ my D-type likes me to employ a certain mannerism of speech/ my D-type wants me to behave in this particular way, is that OK with you?" gives the person you're asking a choice. It allows them the opportunity to inform you of their preferences and for you to respond in a way that will avoid negative feelings if they don't like (or are squicked by) your personal protocol.


Gah. As always: YMMV. IMHO only.
Guess I'm just thinking about this and working out some nervous energy because Cookie mentioned something about becoming more involved with the local folks. Also: Totally being passive-aggressive with the baby talk thing. I'm still all yucked out about that.

*squick*