I don't usually dissect posts about dominants. They're not the focus of my interests, I'm more about the s-type side of things and the stuff that affects our lives... Which makes sense because that's the side of the slash I have experience on. Write what you know and all that.
Then! I found the post I'm about to eviscerate here in a few minutes and I thought to myself, "Self, we're really doing the decent domly sorts a disservice by not sticking up for them when we stumble upon stupid shit that dictates what they have to do to be true. We really should be pointing out how the True shit hurts those on the other side of the slash as much as it hurts us. Folks should know that there is no one specific thing (or a list of them) that makes a domly "true."
And submissive folks should know that what makes for a "True" dom doesn't necessarily make that guy "right for you." Which is far more important in my book.
True Doms Do XYZ!
a post by: Some Blathering Douchecanoe.
(And no, sorry, I'm not driving traffic towards this guys inane drivel. No link)
My thoughts in Mauve. Mauve is today's color of annoyance.
A Dominant Should Be
… everything to his submissive.
Encouraging someone to have such a limited view of life is not cool. Nobody should be anybody's everything. A) Because it's impossible and B) it's unhealthy to depend or expect that much from another human being. It's an unfair burden to place on someone's shoulders.
A Dominant is a lover, a teacher, a caretaker, a father-figure, a rock.
A dominant is those things ONLY if he agrees to be those things. Not all doms have an interest in being those things and not all submissives want their d-type partner to be those things. Some of us are fully capable of educating ourselves, we already have dads or father figures and don't want/need another, and rocks are a dime a dozen... Unless we're talking about emeralds or The Rock. I hear he cooks.
A submissive needs things from her Dom, some need the removal of certain life responsibilities, some need someone to help them fix their lives, some need someone to tell them exactly what to do and when.
Hrmph.
Poor domly guys, all saddled with irresponsible, broken, directionless adults because that's what you MUST put up with if you want to be True... S-type ladies, don't do this to a guy. It's not fair to expect someone else to have to handle your shit for you.
No matter what you need as a submissive, a true Dom will step up and do what needs to be done, because that’s what a Dom should do.
No. A dom will do what a dom has agreed to do for his partner. And sure, a lot of partners will go above and beyond for someone they care about no matter what their label- But it's not something to expect all the time, no matter what. Especially if that's not what the D-type partner has consented to. There is no "should" when it comes to what happens in relationships.
When entering into a Dom/sub relationship, the Dom should be assessing what your needs are as a submissive. This assessment helps him determine if he is able to give you what you need and if you are willing to give him what he needs.
Ok, I can't actually find fault with this line of reasoning, except as it applies to everything else above.
No matter how you look at it, submissive people are broken, and before anyone jumps on their soap box I will say this is not a bad thing.
*Trots out high horse, soap boxes are for wussies*
Bullshit, uninformed blog writer with an extremely skewed and unflattering view of submissives.
Submissives are broken because they can’t function to the best of their ability without a Dom.
Oh, FFS!
This line of tripe again... Some PEOPLE have a hard time functioning at full capacity without someone else there to back them up. This is not a trait shared only by those who identify as submissive, nor is it something only submissives suffer from.
Some cannot handle the responsibility of Money management or bill paying, so they are always broke or in a really bad place financially. Some cannot seem to manage their time properly, some are overly selfish and cannot be responsible in doing what needs to be done and not what they want to do for their own selfish needs. Some abuse alcohol or drugs to escape their troubles in life which just causes more issues in their life, a never ending cycle. Some don’t take the risks they need to in order to succeed, and some just sit on the sidelines and just watch life pass them by.
D-types suffer from these as well.
Some s-types manage their relationship's finances as a service because they're better with money than their dominant partner.
Some s-types act as their dom's executive assistant, planning his day, reminding him of appointments, ensuring he's on time.
Some dominants are pretty selfish people- Or have you just not been on Fetlife any time in the past 6 years?
Some dominants have addiction issues or use other forms of escapism.
Some are life's wall flowers.
Nothing in this paragraph of stupid is a trait that afflicts only submissives. These are problems anybody can have, no matter what their label.
In short, the submissive is not living up to her full potential and sadly never will because she does not have the ability to make the changes she needs to make (otherwise she wouldn’t be in this position in her life).
Again, you're taking problems any person can have and saying that they only afflict one specific segment of the population- Complete and utter BS.
A submissive needs someone to do this for her, to take control of these “problems” in her life and do what needs to be done to help fix the issues. This is where the Dom steps in … the true Dom will be able to recognize the issues and build a plan in order to resolve them. When I say resolve, do not take that as a definition for “fix permanently”, because it rarely happens. A submissive is “broken” for a reason, it is not something that can be fixed with 2 months or years of work.
What I mean by “fixing” the issue is the Dom is the fix, his control is the fix. If you have issues paying your bills on time or are always too broke to function in life, the Dom steps in and controls that. For example, if you are always spending your money buying everything you want but know you can’t afford, the Dom steps in and puts a stop to that. The Dom gives you an allowance or a set budget, the Dom approves or denies your every purchase. The Dom steps up and helps you stay in control, the Dom is essentially the “fix” for your problem. Even after time, if you remove the Dom, the sub will usually revert (in some form) back to the way things were because the “fix” for the issue is no longer there, the control.
A) No. If a person has these issues they need to pull on their grown-up undies and sort their own shit out.
B) Expecting someone to fix your shit for you is immature and selfish in the extreme.
C) Nobody is obligated to carry the burden of another person's problems unless they choose to.
D) Dominants are not obligated to do any of this without first consenting to it, especially if they have no interest in a partner who is a "fixer-upper."
No two subs are the same so there is no one way to fix everything but the true Dom will be able to figure out a plan and implement it no matter what the issues are.
Unless he has no interest in that. Not all dominants want to take responsibility for a grown adult who should be taking responsibility for their own lives and problems. Someone who is unwilling to shoulder that burden is no less true than someone who is.
The Dom will become the submissive’s control point, the control she needs in order to grow and live up to her full potential. What it all comes down to in the end is Control … the control, the Dom’s control is the fix and this fits in with my other topic of writing about why the Dom needs to be in control of his own life first before ever attempting to control the life of another person.
A Dominant should be everything the submissive needs him to be … in order to help her become everything she can be …
No, no, no.
Adults need to be in control of themselves, period.
If you cannot control yourself, how can you submit?
If you can't control yourself how can you hope to control someone else?
Ugh. This tripe (which is an insult to tripe everywhere) is making my head hurt.
So the submissive should be … everything the Dom wants her to be, to show the appreciation for him being everything she needs him to be …
Why does this feel like Grade A manipulation?
no matter what, Dom/sub is give and take and it has to be in order for it to function properly. A sub should always appreciate and remind herself of everything the Dom is doing for her by being the “fix” for her issues and the Dom should always appreciate that they sub is giving him that control and is offering him what he wants, her ultimate submission.
Oh. Because it is.
In exchange for all that fixing the d-type now gets to expect (and receive) everything his domly little heart could require. And why do I get the feeling that shows of the submissive's appreciation would include doing things on her hard limit list for this guy?
When it’s all said and done, both should be everything the other needs them to be.
No.
When all is said and done, both partner should be exactly what they've agreed to be.
If the dominant partner has not agreed to be his submissive's life coach, therapist, day planner, financial service expert, administrative assistant, teacher, dog walker, father figure... HE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE.
Having no interest in being an enabler does not make him untrue, it makes him incompatible with a submissive who is looking for that in her partner. That's it.
Ugh. Who knew you guys had it so rough?
I feel bad for you all.
BTW subs- D/s is NOT therapy. If you have issues you know you need help with? Hire a therapist. Employ a life coach. Don't expect some poor schmuck with a title to fix the issues you're unwilling to fix yourself. Tat's unfair to him and a recipe for relationship disaster for you both.
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