The Super-Uber Guru D-type & "Homework"

Insomnia sucks.
It sucks so hard that if it were able to manifest in some physical form it would be able to suck a monkey through fifty feet of garden hose.
I really don't enjoy it despite the amusing mental image (or terrifying, if you happen to be a monkey).

But since I am a fan of Monty Python and I enjoy whistling I am deciding to always look on the bright side of life (insert whistling here).

I now have even more hours in my supremely uneventful day full of hours to stroll about the Kinkyverse searching for blog fodder, and having so much time means I no longer find myself limited to reading new stuff! Oh no! Now I get to dig deep into the archives of Fet and Google to see what sorts of silliness I can unearth.

Today Gem: The DIY Submissive.
(Or- The Lazy, Non Communicative Dom)

"I am very new to the world of BDSM, and have been told by a perspective Dom to do my research and homework. What do you enjoy most? What are the components of a D/s relationship? What all does it entail?"

It's not that I find the questions themselves to be so out of the ordinary, they're perfectly reasonable questions for any newbie to have. A newbie is totally justified in her curiosity about what activities others find enjoyable, what things are part of a D/s relationship, and what those things can mean. Super understandable to ask more experienced folks about this sort of stuff.

What I don't understand is the D-type who can't answer those questions- Or even more strangely, won't answer those questions for a prospective partner. I mean, they're the one who should be able to provide the most accurate answers, yeah?

Us helpful sorts, we can answer some of those questions with a lot of generalizations and things that our relationships include, but we can't exactly tell a newbie what her prospective D-type will enjoy or what she can expect from a relationship with him... Because: We're not him.

So it makes me wonder; Why is this type of question so common?

Is it because newbies might not be sure what questions they should be asking a prospective dominant?
What type of activities do you enjoy?
What do you feel are the components of a D/s relationship?
What do those things mean?

Is it because they think they're not supposed to ask a prospective dominant questions or expect that person to answer their questions?
Helpful hint: You can and they should.

Or is it (as I suspect) a case of Extreme Laziness, Reluctance/Inability to Communicate, or Cluelessness on the part of the D-type? Because I can't fathom why anybody who is looking for a partner would tell the person they're interested in to go ask a bunch of strangers for the answer.

If you were to start talking to a vanilla guy and asked him "So, what will a relationship with you look like" you'd probably head for the hills or laugh your ass off if her told you to go ask other people in that sort of relationship what to expect. So why is it totally kopasetic when a D-type pulls this stunt?

Maybe I could understand it if this was some Hollywood movie where the submissive MC was on some epic quest to find themselves and the answer to the universe's biggest question (42), and they seek the knowledge of some Super-Uber Guru D-Type Dude... But the MC has script writers on her side and is guaranteed a positive outcome- In 120 minutes or less, even.

But in real life? No.

Meh. I babble.

Returning to the Three Likeliest Culprits...

Cluelessness is sorta-excusable. I'm able to get my head around the idea that someone who is new might not want to admit to a lack of knowledge (because D-type know everything, ever, yo), and treat a newbie sub's questions like a search to find the holy grail... "Seek and ye shall find, grasshopper." Or, "Go do your homework and report back to me with notes I can crib from."

Extreme Laziness... Ehhhh. I'm not so sure I'd want to be in a relationship with someone who couldn't be bothered to explain the relationship I could expect to have with them. I don't know about you guys, but a lack of effort like that would make me wonder if that person was even into me. Or, worse yet, what parts of a relationship would also suffer because of that laziness. "Meh. Go tie yourself up. I'll be there in a minute. As soon as I can get off the couch... Uh, go get me a pop first, though."

Reluctance/Inability to Communicate- Ok, so it can be hard sometimes to express kinky desires to someone else. I've been around the block a time or two and I can still blush like a school girl when suggesting something new to Cookie )something he teases me mercilessly for, that pooka)... But communication is a rather important thing in any relationship, perhaps even more so in a D/s one if you want to get your needs met. "Um. What do I want to do? Uh... Go ask the internet." Kind of seems like a hit-or-miss proposition there because in all likelihood, the internet isn't going to give the answer you're hoping to get.

So yeah. I don't understand the Super-Uber Guru D-Type Dude method here, and like I said, I have a few miles on me here in the Kinkyverse. I can usually ferret out any whiff of logic an idea might possess, and all I'm sniffing here is something fishy.

I guess now I should insert something helpful for the newbie s-types...

Ok, got it.

Since it's not at all logical or helpful for a newbie to be expected to use the helpful denizens of the Kinkyverse to answer any questions she may have about a relationship with a prospective partner, what is a newbie to do?

Personally, I'd ask "Why is it that you cannot answer those questions for me?"
How the prospective D-type answered would tell me a lot about them as a person-
Getting all growly because how dare I ask them...
Some excuse about homework or an assignment or any other deflective BS...
Pretty much any answer except an honest. straight-forward answer would convince me that my time would be better spent elsewhere and with someone who was capable of answering relatively simple questions.

What you choose to do in this situation- That's up to you.