How To Write a BDSM Contract

Please note: BDSM contracts, while they can be a handy tool for a relationship, have NO LEGAL WEIGHT. They cannot be enforced in ANY court of law and CAN be used against as proof of intent to cause harm in legal proceedings.

BDSM contracts are a useful and positive tool for many relationships. They can help outline what is expected from all parties involved (It's hard to argue about who should be doing the dishes when it's clearly outlined in paragraph 3, subsection c), what the parameters of the relationship are, who is responsible for what, and a host of other things.

They can outline rules and regulations for a relationship, they can include sections on personal goals and growth, pretty much anything you can think of to put in a BDSM contract can be included (including dish washing duties). One other important aspect of a contract: It can help prevent against unpleasant surprises (if you forget to wash the dishes and the agreed upon punishment for that is supposed to be no internet for a day, your partner cannot suddenly and without warning tell you that you have to spend 5 hours picking up dog poo from the local Bark Park for example).

And for a newbie who has read popular fiction (they're often included as an easy way to up a book's word count) or has spent any time online they can appear to be a "Must Have" for any D/s relationship, so the question often gets asked, "How do I write a BDSM contract?"

So, in an attempt to be helpful I give you:

Squeaky's Handy Dandy Guide to Kinky Contract Writing

Personally, I think that the biggest benefit of a contract is the conversations that happen while figuring out why you want one and what you feel you need to include. Communication is an extremely important part of a healthy D/s relationship and talking about a contract can trigger conversations and ideas you may not have thought to have before.

Some things you both may want to consider previous to writing your contract:

What do you want your contract to accomplish?
People use contracts for various reasons. They can be used to help to reinforce the "seriousness" of the dynamic, to help one or both partners embrace their chosen roles more completely )as a serious sort of thing or assistance for fun role play). They can be useful as reference material in case of a misunderstanding ("You're right, I did agree to do the dishes! I forgot about that!"). They can outline what actions are and are not permissible in the relationship (for one or all parties) and what the consequences or not permissible actions might be. They can help people in the relationship feel more connected to each other and their dynamic.

Deciding why you and your partner would like to use a contract is fairly simple.

What do you want your contract to include?
This is where things get tricky for a lot of newbies.
Fictional contracts or contracts between people who have been involved in their dynamic for years can be pretty complex and include more things than you might think you need to include. Looking at those as examples can be daunting- Do you really need 38 pages of single spaced lines with sections, subsections, paragraphs, sub paragraphs, bulletin points, clauses, and 128 rules?

You don't.
You can, if that's what you really want, but it might be best to start with what you and your partner consider to be the most important things to cover. Why? Because it's easier to remember a few new things than many new things and you can always add to the contract later (which is probably how those 37 page contracts developed- Slowly and over time). One person I'm familiar with says that her contract consists of one word- Obey.

So- what are the most important things you and your partner can think of for your relationship? Are they rules, definitions of your roles, expectations that you have of each other, things that you (or they) should or should not do?

What tone would you like your contract to have?
Your contract is about you, your partner/s, and your relationship. If you're very serious people and want to take your contract as seriously as you take your selves and your relationship you might want to word your contract to resemble a legal document. If you're people who enjoy the more light hearted, fun side of things, you may want your contract to reflect that aspect of your personalities and relationship. There is no right or wrong way to write a contract so you can write it however you feel is best.

Now that you and your partner have had some conversations and time to think about what to include, you get to write the danged thing already, so how does that go?

Most contracts state at the beginning what the purpose is and who the parties involved are.

For example:
Super Serious- John Dom and Jane Sub do hereby agree that both parites, being of sound mind and body and both being capable of consenting to such an agreement, shall on this day, the 12 of Forever 2015, enter into a mutually beneficial arrangement where john Dom is the Dominant partner and Jane Doe is the submissive partner. Furthermore, both parties do declare that they will abide by the terms of the contract contained within the following pages...

Not Quite So Serious- John Dom and Jane Sub, by signing this contract, agree to enter into a D/s relationship and also agree to abide by the terms that follow...

Not Serious At All- John Dom, the Domliest Dom to Ever Dom, and Jane Sub, his most awesome submissive,  who want to do D/s kinds of stuff together, wrote this kinky contract so that nobody will ever argue about who is in charge, who has to do dishes, and if picking up dog poo for 5 house is ever a permissible punishment...

From there, in any order you like, you write down the things that you both feel are important and would like to formally agree to. Ideas to include (in no specific order and just food for thought, you don't have to include any of these if they are not important to you or you can use as many as you want if they may be important):
What kind of dynamic you'd like- 24/7 TPE, bedroom only, or something in between?

If it's monogamous, poly, open, or something else (if open or poly, would you like to have a say in who your partner is involved with or who may become involved in your dynamic).

Who is allowed to do what and who they can do it to (is it ok for you or your partner to have sex outside your relationship, are you? Is playing outside your relationship OK for either of you? Do either of you need approval before engaging in extracurricular play?).

Who can make decisions about what (what authority would you like your partner to have, what does he want authority over, and what would you like to retain authority over).

What rules would he like you to follow?
Are there consequences for breaking those rules?
Do you agree to punishments and what punishments are OK? (you can limit what punishments you're willing to have inflicted upon you. If, say, corporal punishment sends you to a really bad place you can request alternatives like writing lines, writing an essay on what you did wrong and what you'll do in the future to avoid repeating the infraction, etc)

Are there specific protocol you'd like to include in your relationship? Using titles for your partner, poses that they may want you to assume at specific times, asking permission for specific things, etc.

Is there protocol to follow in vanilla public or at kinky events?

Who does what in the relationship? Are there things that he needs to manage and things that you need to take care of? What are your responsibilities and what are his responsibilities?

Are there personal growth goals either of you would like to agree to accomplish?

What kinds of kinky play are ok, what are your soft limits, what are your hard limits, what happens if you encounter something new neither of you had thought about before? What are your safe words, do you need after care, what happens if something goes wrong?

How often would you and your partner like to revisit the contract either to add things or subtract them (if they're not working for both of you)? Once a month, once every six months, once a year, never?


There are probably a million and one things I'm not thinking of, things you consider important that I'm missing, things you haven't thought of yet... But it's a place to start. And once you figure out how to get something started, finishing it up isn't usually that hard.

Also, for further helpfulness, a few links for more contract examples:

Example contracts from BDSMcircle

Example of an M/s Contract

Example of a D/s contract

And finally- Do you need to have a contract?
If it's not your cup of tea then no, you do not need to have a BDSM contract as part of your relationship. Some people find them useful and others don't feel a need to include one as part of their relationship- Cookie and I don't have one unless you count our wedding vows, and we seem to be doing pretty well without (though in all honesty he probably hasn't even considered the idea of one... I should probably not mention this blog to him. the idea of if might go to his Man Brain and he'd become insufferable).

Squeaky Reviews a Book: Beginner's Guide to BDSM and Kinky Sex for Women, by Melinda Holmes

Apparently I bought this book ages ago and then promptly forgot about it, until the other day when I went off to do laundry and forgot to bring a meatspace book and had to resort to my Google book shelf for amusement.

Now, having finally read it, what can I say?

"Ugh" sums it up quite nicely.

It starts of with a little "quiz":

What's your BDSM IQ? True or False:
Submissive women have low self images.
Dominant women grew up in abusive households.
BDSM play is controlled by the dominant partner.
Dominant partners abuse and hit their submissive partner.
There's something "off" about people who enjoy BDSM.

After slogging through a few pages of assorted blather which sounds like something that should be inside the dust jacket on a regular meatspace book, you get to the answers, which is where my twitchy Something Stinks nose starts happening and my brain can't help but insert annoyed, red thoughts..

Submissive women have low self images.
False- The reverse is actually the case.
True AND false. Submissive women are just women and have the same issues as every other women on the planet. Some of us have a great deal of self confidence and some of us struggle with our self image.

Dominant women grew up in abusive households.
False- Their childhood's are just like everyone else's, some good, some bad.
Wait, I thought that submissives were the ones who had horrid childhoods. You've got your stereotypes mixed up there lady.

BDSM play is controlled by the dominant partner.
False- Nope, the submissive partner is actually in charge.
Nope. In that context, both partners are equally "in charge" as they both have equal abilities to end a scene. Beyond that, a bottom who is playing with a service top might be in charge of what happens, but submissive who is playing with her dominant (where an Authority Transfer dynamic has been established and agreed upon) may have little to no input in what happens during play.

Dominant partners abuse and hit their submissive partner.
False- Not at all. It's about causing intense sensation leading to pleasure.
Ugh. Some D-types do hit their partners (S&M) but it is not abuse. Some D/s partners have no interest in "intense sensations". Regardless of that, abuse is not something that happens in a healthy, consensual dynamic. (dunno why the water was muddied with any mention of "hitting" in the first place, not all abuse is physical after all)

There's something "off" about people who enjoy BDSM.
False- Normal people practice BDSM, people like your neighbor, pastor, or cousin.
"Normal" is only a setting on your washing machine.

So there was that bit of half truths (half falses?). Meh.

Next came a "helpful" glossary of common BDSM terms (The BDSM Dictionary for The Curious Woman)...
It was about as helpful as a swift kick to the head when you have a migraine headache as it consisted of very few words to define and the author's interpretation of what those terms meant. I may or may not have rolled my eyes so hard that one of them popped out of my noggin and was ingested by the dog.

Also Included in This Section: The lazy author's trick to writing less and filling empty spaces- Random quotes from random people. Not so bad in a long book, kind of a HUGE waste of space in something that has under 60 pages.

I slogged through some more blah blah blah and hit upon this gem, "A scenario in which a submissive wife is forced to expose her pussy, bottom, or breasts briefly (flashing) to a passing strange is perfectly acceptable..."
No! No it is not! It does not matter if the Dom and sub BOTH consent to this action because guess who hasn't consented? The stranger who is being included in your kink without his or her consent! THAT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE. And you know what's going to happen if that stranger finds it as unacceptable as most informed people in the kink community do? You're going to get slapped with a public indecency charge. Oooo, so kinky and fun...

More lazy "writing" (aka filler), some kinda crappy artwork, a few more oddly defined terms and I hit upon another gem:
"As I mentioned above there are two roles in BDSM- Dominant and submissive."
So... You've been doing this how long and you're only aware of two roles in BDSM? Because I've been doing this for close to 20 years and I can think of quite a few more than two.
Master
Slave
Owner
Pet
Pony
Daddy
Mommy
Little/babygirl
Top
Bottom
Brat
Primal
Switch
... Only 2? Geez. Fet's drop down menu lists 62 options for roles in BDSM, and that's not all of them in use, just the more popular ones.

"...It isn't about being friends..."
You know nothing, John Snow.
Cookie is my best friend. I wouldn't be involved with anybody in a BDSM dynamic without them being a genuine friend. It may not be about friendship FOR YOU, but for quite a few of us, IT IS.

Then, more filler in the form of a BDSM checklist (not very comprehensive and much, much, much better ones are available for free all over the internet).

Then, how to be a "good" submissive, which is only going to work out well if your dominant partner has an interest in you behaving in the way the author describes (mine does not and he laughed when I read those ideas to him).
An injunction that even if you don't like something you should do it anyways because submissive.
Admonishments about safety, with "safe calls" and giving a potential partner's name to a friend being Super Dooper Foolproof Safe (It's NOT!)
And you know what?
I give up.

I didn't pay much for this "guide" (and thank Dog for that), and despite the fact that its pretty cheap I'd have to say that the free info you can get from Novices & Newbies on Fetlife is about a million times better (at a very conservative estimate).

And it's not that the book is so horrible (though plenty of it is horrible), it's just that it's so incredibly dumbed down or blatantly innacurate or painfully One True Wayish that the information in it isn't worth paying for when you can get better, more accurate information online (again, for FREE).

So, save your cash and give this "guide" a pass.

Another one of those "30 Day" memes in one big post.

1) Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?
When we do use a label it's usually D/s. If I cared to be more specific I suppose the idea of the 50's household would apply fairly well.

2) Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?
The who part is pretty easy- Cookie is the only person who has the privilege of bossing me around.
How is a bit more tricky. We're 24/7- But a very laid back sort of 24/7. He doesn't want to micromanage me and as I have no interest in having a Helicopter Dom, it works out well for us. When it matter to him that I bow to his authority, that's what I do. The rest of the time he pretty much leaves me to run things as I see fit... Probably because he takes it for granted that "how I see fit" is going to neatly align with what he wants.

3) How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?
I know that I'm his submissive because being his support person and letting him lead fulfills me.

4) Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?
At times I take the lead because I'm better suited to the task at hand... That doesn't make me dominant or a switch. It makes me a competent adult.
I maintain authority over my kitchen, my children, my healthcare decisions, family obligations, and any legal stuff that may involve me.
I am not a switch. I have no desire to be the partner with more authority. I may however be interested in service topping. 

5) Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?
I've been learning about BDSM for close to 20 years now.
I've had some play partners in the past, enough to get a pretty good idea about what I am and am not interested in.
Cookie is my first (and Dog willing) last D/s partner and relationship.

6) What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
I have no idea why I orient the way I do sexually or relationship-wise.
I suppose this is just how I'm wired, and that's all the explanation I need.

7) Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?
No, no, and I expect that I would feel exactly the same way as I did when I was a child- resentful, angry, and hell-bent on bucking authority to do my own thing. Which is why I have absolutely no interest in having either of those things as part of my dynamic, those feelings are not conducive IMO to a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

8.) Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?
No. See above:

9) Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?
That thing I mentioned about bucking authority? Rules wouldn't work for me. If he said, "You must do X and never do Z" I'd be off doing the exact opposite of what he dictated because I can... If instead he expresses a preference, or mentions something he'd like me to do (or not do) and provides a reason? I'll bend over backwards to stick to that.
Like, he said once that he hated it when his ex would do things without asking for his input? Redecorating the house, adopting a pet, stuff like that... So I always ask for his input. It's not a rule, even though it's important to him, but because it's important to him I'll keep it in mind always.

10) Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?
Well, yeah. D/s is part of the BDSM acronym. Besides that, sure. We enjoy bondage, and some light S&M. It's fun. If I had to rate its importance? Eh... I don't know. Kinky play is awesome, but it's not everything there is to life for us, you know?

11) Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission?
I do things for him, but I'm not service oriented. I just see those things as the sort of stuff a caring or dedicated significant other does for their partner.
 How do you define service?
To me, service is a specific mindset different from what I described above. It's something integral to some folks' submission... But not mine.
 What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?
I doesn't mean anything to me because I am not service oriented. Doing for the sake of doing isn't what drives me.

12) Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself?
No.
If no, is there a particular reason why?
He makes financial decisions and manages our money because he's better with money than I am- But it's our money. Not just his. And that's the reason why.
 Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?
Yes, I'm familiar with the concept, and the only opinion I have of it is that it's not my cuppa.

13) Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?
I'm available when he wants sex, but that's because I want to be available. It has nothing to do with submission or his Domly Desires, I just think that intimacy is good for a relationship and even if I'm not quite in the mood, I will be if he encourages me enough (wink-wink).
And no, there are no limits. He's not a clod. If I'm ill or something terrible has happened recently he's not so obtuse that he'd fail to recognize that.

14) Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit?
We're atheists.
If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?
Yes, I'm familiar with a few different versions of religious submission.
In some instances, it can be similar if the choice to submit is one that is freely made by the person submitting and the religious submission is something that she finds gratifying and a positive influence on her life and relationship.
But, sadly, most of the religious submission I read about isn't a choice freely made. It's something forced on the person despite how she may personally feel about it... And that is in now way, shape, or form similar to consensual submission.

15) Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?
Everything evolves, submission is no different.
Well, over time it's gone from gung-ho "ZOMG! Frenzy!" to "OK, I think this is more sensible and realistic" to "ZOMG! NRE! This is the AWESOME!" to "All right... Now that we've settled down, this is much more sustainable..."
As to how it may evolve in the future? Who knows? I guess that depends on what the future brings us.

16) Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?
With past partners it was extremely limited and resembled bottoming far more than it did submitting- I'd do what they wanted because I wanted it too, but they had no authority over me. This relationship is different from that.

17) What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?
For me it means that I have absolute confidence in his ability to lead well, make decisions that benefit us both, and to recognize when he's only human and adjust accordingly.

18) Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?
Communication is one of the most important aspects of our relationship, not just for the purposes of D/s, but for the health and wellbeing of the relationship... So it really helps things along that we enjoy talking to each other and that there don't seem to be any areas we are unwilling to broach (granted, some things may take a bit of time to broach, and maybe a beer or four, but we get there).
And how do I ask for what I want or need? I just ask.
"I saw a dresser at TJ Maxx when I was shopping with my mom, I think it would be perfect for the spot next to the front door. Want to go look at it with me?"
"I despise all of our neighbors, their dogs, kids, and stupid ass loud music. Can we move? PLEASE?"
"I'm jonesing Taco Bell. Taco Bell? Yes?"
"Wanna have the kinky sexy fun times now?"

19) How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?
I'm pretty social. I've got this bloggy thing, a few forums I frequent, and a handful of friends I keep in touch with. I like people for the most part, I like being part of a larger social conversation. and I like hearing about what other people experience.

20) Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?
That's kind of like asking "Has your wifeliness increased or decreased over time?" It doesn't make much sense to me because I don't think it's something that can be measured. And much like being a wife, or a mom, or a friend, there are times when it's easier to fulfill that role and times when that role is not the priority. Such is life.

21) Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?
Any position where he's actively asserting his authority?

22) Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?
Submission, for me, is something that happens and is expressed in a relationship. Without the relationship I may still identify as a submissive but I do not submit. Kind of like how you can still be a parent even if you're on vacation without your child. You're still a parent, even if you're not actively parenting that child.

23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you?
Mine? No. We've worked pretty hard to create a relationship that contributes positively to our life together.
Other people's? Sure. So I guess it's a pretty good thing that I don't have to do the stuff they do that I'm not into, isn't it?
Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?
Yeah, but that was mostly because I wasn't certain how everything I was could coexist beside this one particular label. I had a bit of an identity crisis. It sorted itself out with time and education.

24) What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?
Submission isn't emotional to me. It's how I'm wired. Like how I'm monogamous or how I prefer men. I don't need emotions to let me access my monogamy or my desire for a male partner. It's just something that's always there.

25) Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?
No and no. My orientation in my relationship isn't tied to objects or rituals. It's not something I do, it's something I am in the right circumstances.

26) What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?
The same qualities I'd seek in a vanilla partner with some additions- He needs to identify as a D-type and our ideas of BDSM must be compatible. and of course there are deal breakers, this is still a relationship.

27) Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?
Eh. There might be things that would be fun to try, maybe, if we ever get around to them... And no. They're not frightening or confusing.

28) Has your submission ever let you down?
No because I don't have unrealistic expectations of it.
 Have you ever been criticized for your submission?
Sure. I hear that I'm "doing it wrong" on a pretty regular basis. It doesn't matter because the people who say it don't matter.
Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship?
Nope. No regrets.
 Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.
The same way I'd handle any mistake- Learn from it and attempt to not repeat it. This isn't rocket science.

29) Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission?
Mild pain, sure. I like to flirt along the edges of pleasure and pain a bit. A swat on the bum, a bite that's a bit too sharp... Nommy. Humiliation OTO is not something I ever care to experience. EVER.
 What is your relationship to it?
They're not the same thing. At all. One I have a happy relationship with because it's good times, the other I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole because it would leave me miserable and in a Very Bad Place.
Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?
I embrace what I enjoy and don't fuck with stuff that is bad for me (much less tolerate it because of some screwed up notion that because I'm an s-type I have to put up with shit that's not good for me. Ugh).


30) Is your need to submit being met?
I don't need to submit, just like I don't need to fuck, or need to be married. It's something I enjoy expressing in a healthy relationship, and thus far my ability to express it in this relationship is just ducky (that means it's pretty great for all you non-English speakers).
 If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again?
If Cookie went more vanilla than a bottle of McCormick I'd be content. I don't need submission to be a whole person or to be happy in a relationship. It may add a bit to a relationship if I can express that aspect of myself, but it's not a deal breaker if I can't. There are things that are more important to me than submission.
 What makes submission special to you?
My dominant partner.

What Do You Look For In A Dom?

Super Common Question.
Like, one of the most frequently asked questions that I see from newbies.
And I understand why.

When you're new to the Kinkyverse, when everything that happens here seems so alien and strange, it stands to reason that something you've been doing your entire adult life might not be the same here as it is in Vanilla Land. Maybe the things a submissive would look for in a partner are different than what a Vanilla lady would look for in her partner... So the question gets asked.
Often.

So what do submissive women look for in their dominant partner?
(Answers will not work for everybody, don't have to work for everybody, and you get to decide what's important for you to look for. These are just very common examples)

Honesty.
Trustworthiness.
Intelligence.
Humor.
Loyalty.
Reliability.
Kindness.
Affection.
Compatibility (religion, politics, general life goals).
Communication.

That all seems pretty Vanilla, doesn't it? Like somehow dominants are just like vanilla guys you might think about dating, or marrying, or even just being friends with (or maybe friends with benefits). Like somehow, despite the fact that this sort of relationship might have a fancy title, or the people in it might have not-so-normal titles, that it's still just a relationship.

Because it is.

If you liked dating vanilla guys who had certain character traits, odds are good you're going to like dominant guys who have those traits as well. If you like having a sarcastic, witty, brilliant boyfriend, you're probably going to want to look for a sarcastic, witty, brilliant dominant. The traits you want in a partner don't suddenly have to change because you've decided to identify as an s-type instead of a vanilla girlfriend.

And you certainly don't have to settle for a dominant who doesn't possess the character traits that you think are important in a partner.

The only things that changed for me, when I was looking, was that I had to add two more things to my list-

Dominant
Kink compatible (liking the same kinky play and relationship parameters).

That's it. I only had to add two things to my "What I look for in a boyfriend" list change it into "What I look for in a dominant" list.

It's probably all you need to do as well to answer this question for yourself.

Squeaky Reviews a Book: Diary of a Submissive, by Sophie Morgan

Diary of a Submissive

Last year a few of my online buddies were raving over Diary of a Submissive. Not wanting to be left in the dark I meandered my way to the nearest Barnes & Noble's to get a gander at this phenomenon (and to buy an over-priced coffee drink). Despite the fact that it was a story supposedly based on the life of a "Real Life" submissive, Sophie Morgan, I had my doubts about how palatable the book would be, and how well it would represent the life of a "real" submissive.

Thumbing my way through the prologue (I'm not going to buy a book, especially not a brand new, pricey one without seeing if I can stomach it first) I felt my nose do that thing it does whenever I smell something unpleasant or I've just been annoyed beyond comprehension. Cookie calls it my Disapproval Face.

My first thoughts, as I made my way through the opening paragraphs where the author outlines an encounter in a public area (an alley in the evening) written in second person narrative were:
"OK. Involving non consenting bystanders in your kink is NOT hot. It's rude."
"Ugh. This is soooo not my kink."
"I really, really, really hate second person narratives."
"My submission looks nothing like this."
"This is dumb. I'm not buying it."

And I set the book back on the shelf, picked up my over-priced coffee drink, and wandered off to see if Diana Gabaldon had released anything new.

Fast forward to yesterday when Cookie was involved in some pow-pow-kill-the-honey-badger action (courtesy of Far Cry 4) when I crawled out of bed and I was left to my own devices as far as amusement went. I trolled Google Books for something to occupy my time, saw Diary of a Submissive in my recommended list, thought "What the hell. If it's stupid I can have fun eviscerating it later," and shelled out 12.99 to read a book I didn't want anything to do with previously.

To my ever-lasting surprise, I liked the book. Once I got past the stupid effing prologue (with even more pinched nostrils, frustrated sighs, and heavy eye-rolling), and the author stopped doing the much-hated Second Person shit, that is.

The Good:
I can honestly say that I like Sophie. I like her style of writing, I like her personality (probably because I see a certain amount of similarities), and I think she'd be an awesome person to share a pint with. She seems like a really neat person.
I loved that she wrote about her childhood- A happy, well-adjusted thing with loving parents and no trauma (because the "You must have had it rough in order to want to submit" stereotype also needs to die).
I liked how insightful she was about her motivations, her responses, and her feelings regarding her submission, her play, and her partners.
I liked that she made me laugh.
I really liked the fact that she stressed the importance of the vanilla aspects of a relationship as much as she did the kinky shit.
Also, what she wrote made me think. Not about kinky shit, but about my thoughts and motivations regarding D/s. Thinking is a good thing in my book.

The Bad:
Diary of a Submissive was not a left hand read for me, which is kind of what I expect when I pay for a book that includes erotic material. It also left me bereft of any new play ideas which was a total bummer.
The play scenes were extremely well written, explicit, and would probably "do it" for folks who are masochists, pain sluts, and get off on humiliation- But that's not me. At all. And since pretty much every scene in the book that was erotic was not my cuppa... It was a disappointment that I didn't even get a little bit moist reading all that kink.

The Ugly:
There were a few major things for me that went beyond bad into the realm of ugly.
First, the reoccurring theme that in order to properly submit one has to do things that they really don't enjoy- and not just "don't enjoy" but actively despise.
Second,  there were a few mentions of submission automatically meaning that one must accept pain (and perhaps she meant that strictly for herself, but that's not the way it read). Not all submissives are masochists, not all masochists are submissive.
Third, I was really troubled by the author's stubbornness. I get being stubborn, it could be my middle name, and I get wanting to "win" in a way by making it through whatever is happening... But it's a reoccurring point regarding safety in the Kinkyverse that a safe bottom will call their safe word. Someone who refuses to safe word because of stubbornness, or not wanting to disappoint their top, or whatever reason isn't someone I'd think I could play safely with.

But, all in all, as a peek into the life of one "real" submissive, it was a pretty good book. I'd recommend it, not as learning material, but as an opportunity for people to get a glimpse into what submission means for Sophie Morgan.

And now, THE FUGLY:
This is at the end because it has nothing to do with Sophie's book, but is solely the fugliness of reviewers, marketers, and other assorted nincompoops.

Sophie is pretty clear in her book that this is just ONE way that a person can engage in a D/s relationship, that this is what works for her and she's well aware that it will not work for everybody. despite that though, plenty of people out there are going on and on about this is what "Real" submission is, this is what ALL submission looks like (or should look like), and that's just not true.

While some folks might dream of engaging in a relationship dynamic that mirrors Sophie's, there are plenty of people who don't. There is no "One True Way" to submit, and it kind of annoys the ever-loving fuck out of me that the inept, clueless, and money-hungry are billing this book as a glimpse into the lives of EVERY submissive female out there, and that there is a One True Way to do WIITWD.

*sigh*

Read the book. Enjoy it. Squick. Whatever.
But don't think that this is how it is for all of us, or that this is the way you have to do WIITWD because it's not.

You do you.
End of.

Online BDSM Quizzes Might Be Full Of Shit? Say It Ain't So!

I love filling out online quizzes.
"Who were you in a past life?"
"What color is your aura?"
"What dog breed are you?"

Online quizzes are amusing, a good way to waste five minutes, and it's fun to share the results with friends (I'm a Doberman version of Socrates with a yellow aura, BTW. Whatever that means).

But, if there's one type of quiz I cannot stand, it's the ubiquitous BDSM quiz.
"Are you a Dom, Sub, or Switch?"
"How kinky are you?"
Would you make a "good" whatever?"

Some people do them (probably because of the time wasting and amusement factors), but there are a few who do them and take the results as holy gospel...

And the problem with these quizzes? They're mostly full of it ("it" being the steaming piles of excrement created by bovine animals), and anybody who has half a clue will agree... Though oddly, I've never seen anybody state why these quizzes should be taken with a grain of salt.

So! Here I am with a quiz I conveniently found online (all spelling and grammar errors are the author's) to illustrate why all these BDSM quizzes are pretty much worthless.

The "Are You A Good Submissive" Quiz
"Hi! And welcome to my Would You Be a Good Submissive Test. I'll be using advanced logic and knowledge to determine your true nature. Just be honest in your answers as the questions will be designed to reveal your true mental state."

1. When in a group of people deciding what to do, are you the:

Leader, no question

Discuss options and then follow

Quiet, following the others

All right. What does deciding what activity you and a group of pals want to engage in have to do with submission? Last time I checked I wasn't submitting to my friends. We don't have that sort of relationship. Sometimes I go along with what's decided, sometimes I decide... And neither of those decisions make me submissive or dominant.
(I picked option 2)

2. How would you classify yourself in terms of trying new things?

I'll try just about anything once

I might try something new

I am cautious about trying new things
I'm at a loss as to what this question says about submission. Are you submissive if you're "up for anything" or are you submissive if you're timid and reluctant to try new things? Me? I like new experiences so I'll try a lot of new things just to learn how I feel about them... But that has nothing to do with how I orient in a relationship.
(I picked option 1)



3. Which of the following classifies you?

Single

Married

Divorced

Widow
Huh? What does relationship status have to do with submitting? I'm guessing the author couldn't think of anything better to ask.
(I picked option 2, because I am)
　

4. At what age did you become sexually active?

10 to 14

15 to 20

21 to 26

27 and above
Someone please tell me what this has to do with being a good submissive. Please. Anybody?
(I picked option 2, and no- I wasn't jail bait)
　

5. How many committed relationships have you been in?

0 to 1

2 to 4

5 to 7

8 or more
So does being in a lot of relationships make you a good submissive, or does being in fewer relationships make you a good submissive? I'm missing the logic of this question (if it even exists).
(Option 2. I've had 3 serious, long term relationships)


6. How long does your typical relationship last in months?

1 to 3 months

4 to 7 months

8 to 12 months

13 months or more
Once more for the nose bleed seats... What does this have to do with how a person orients in their relationship?
(Option 4)


7. When growing up, was your mother the one who ruled your home?

Yes, she was the authority figure

No

I did not have a father figure
Is the quiz author going after some sort of Nurture Vs. Nature thing here? If so, does s/he realize that can go either way? That the child will either want to emulate the mother and become the authority figure or that it will grow up to be the partner preferring less authority? Also- There's the fact that many folks believe that nature has more to do with D/s orientation than nurture does.
(Option 1, and my folks were not at all kinky. I know because my mom talks to me about this sort of stuff... It's weird)


8. When you were a child, were you the one of the popular ones?

Yes, everyone loved to be around me

Not really popular, but I did have a circle of friends

I was a loner, not part of the in crowd

I did my own thing
Errr... So is a good submissive the lonely, reclusive outcast or the life of the party? I'm guessing the former as it fits with the Stupid Submissive Stereotype (that needs to die). Regardless, None of these things have anything to do with being dominant or submissive. I'm an outgoing, popular submissive and my Domly One is shy. Go figure.
(Option 2- I was popular enough)



9. In you’re past relationships, who controlled the finances?

My spouse or significant other

I did

We shared control
Another thing that has nothing to do with submission. Some submissives control the finances because they're better at finances than their partner is. Some submissives like their partner taking care of the finances. And some D/s relationships don't involve worries about finances.
(Option 2- My ex didn't care to have anything to do with the finances so that burden fell to me)


10. You are in a new relationship, your new significant other demands that you hand over your check every to them. They then give you a spending allowance and keep the rest. Would you:

Agree, they know what’s best

Say no way and leave the relationship

Try to convince them to share the finances but give in when they stand their ground
I'm betting that this person's idea of a "good" submissive would pick option 1. Sadly, their reasoning has to be based in poorly written erotica because it has nothing to do with reality, personal fiscal responsibility, or (wait for it...) being with your partner long enough to know that they will handle your finances responsibly.
(Option 2- Because if it's a new relationship and they're demanding this of me, I'm going to walk. Fuck that noise)


11. In an argument with your spouse or significant other, who would be the one to concede the argument?

Spouse or significant other

I did

It was pretty well evenly split
Whoever is in the wrong? Unless this person is equating submission with "spineless wimp who will just roll over and show their tender underbelly at the slightest hint of trouble"... Which is what I think they think.
(Option 3- Though we don't argue)


12. Let's say you and your spouse are trying to decide where to go for the evening, which would you say would be the most often result of the decision making process?

My spouse would get her way

I would put up a fight but then would do what she wanted

I’d put my foot down and we’d do what I wanted

We’d compromise on where we were going
Because obviously submissives shouldn't care about what they do or where they go. They shouldn't even express a preference.
FFS.
Some submissives like having their preferences heard and occasionally like doing what they prefer... Oh, the horror!
(Option 4- Cookie and I both like doing what the other person would like to do)
　

13. You are at work, would having a woman boss be a good thing to you?

If a woman, not applicable

Yes, like the idea

No, women aren’t to be a boss

Doesn’t matter to me
OK, this is definitely wank fodder material. It has absolutely nothing to do with submission.
(Option 1)
　

14. You are in bed with a significant other; they get very physical with you, slapping you, forcing you to please them. How would you react?

Love it, give me more!

I'd go along, but only so far

No way, I'd tell them to stop

It might be fun, but don't really know
But, but, but... What about negotiations and consent? Does the author realize that without those what s/he's describing is assault and/or rape? Do they also not realize that there's a difference between kinky fuckery and D/s (Ignore that, it was a theoretical question).
(Otpion 3 because, consent)


15. If a significant other told you that you were lousy in bed, how did you feel about it?

I was crushed

I was turned on

Never happened to me

Never happened to me, wish it had
Dafuq?
Seri-fucking-ously... What on Dog's green Earth does this have to do with submission? Having a humiliation fetish doesn't necessarily mean someone is submissive. Ugh!
(Option 3 *smirk*)


16. When having sex, are you more likely to be:

On top

On the bottom

We switch back and forth

Any way I want
Oh, I get it! Because some actions are inherently dominant or submissive... Which is another load of steaming large mammal droppings.
Also, am I the only one who thinks that it's a bit sad that the author only knows of two positions?
(Option 3, but with much more variety)
　

17. If given the choice, which would you prefer?

Having oral sex done to me

Giving someone oral sex

I think oral sex is disgusting

I'd rather be in a 69 position
Again with the inherently dominant or submissive acts. Doing something or having something done to you has nothing to do with D/s. If my Domly is licking my lady bits (giving) it's not because he's submissive, it's because he likes making me squeak.
(Option 2. I like making him squeak)


18. How would you react to this scenario? You are at a restaurant and notice a man and woman sitting at a nearby table. She is clearly in control of the man, treating him like he is expected to submit to her. (If you are a woman, switch the roles.)

I'd think he's a wimp, a real loser

I'd think that he's lucky to have a woman like that

I'd wish that I could be in his place, that my date would do that with me

I'd find it offensive that she would be doing that to him
You know what? If someone was putting on an obvious enough display of kink in a public place, I'd tell them to knock that shit off. I don't consent to be part of their scene/dynamic when I'm out for dinner, nor do any of the other diners at that establishment. Fuck them for being rude.
(Option 4- I find it offensive that they'd be rude enough to foist their kink off on non consenting viewers in a vanilla place)


19. If given the choice, would you prefer for your significant other to make decisions in your home?

Yes

No way

Maybe, some of the time
This might actually have something to do with submission! Holy hell! It's the first question to address the question the quiz asks!
(Option 1)


20. You are alone with your significant other in the bedroom, how would you like them to treat you in the bedroom?

Let me have my way with them

Have them tell me what they want me to do

Share our desire for each other in a equal basis

Tease me till I beg to get relief
And now we're back to confusing kinky fuckery with D/s...
Bottoming to your partner (preferring them to do the funs stuff to you) does not mean that you're submissive.
(Option 1 because I'm a submissive who likes to bottom during kinky fun times)


21. Your significant other want to tie you to the bed, do you:

Agree readily

Agree with some reservations

Say no way

Tell them that they can do whatever they want
Oi, quiz writer, liking to have kinky fun (topping or bottoming) doesn't have any bearing on orienting as a submissive or a dominant.
 (Option 1 because I'm a submissive who likes to bottom during kinky fun times)

22. Your partner wants to bring someone else into the bedroom with you two, how do you react?

Say no way!

Tell them you do not like the idea but go along with it

Tell them that you will do it for them

Hey, more the merry, right?
Ahhh... Because all "good" submissives enjoy having multiple partners, right?
Monogamy and polygamy (also being "open") doesn't have anything to do with authority exchange.
(Option 1 because we're monogamous)


23. In your most private thoughts, does the idea of someone else controlling your life, your pleasure appeal to you?

Yes

No

Sometimes
Oh! Here's the second question that's pertinent! Who has authority in the relationship! BINGO! Now you're talking about D/s!
(Option 1)


24. Have you ever been in a relationship with a dominating or controlling significant other?

Yes

No

Sometimes it was
Just when I was getting hopeful...
Dominating and controlling are adjectives, they don't necessarily describe someone who is a Dominant, they could just as easily describe some abusive assweasel, and I'm sure the author does not mean to imply that an abusive assweasel is any sort of respectable Dominant, right?
(Option 1, with consent and negotiation)



25. If you were involved in a relationship like that, did you find that you enjoyed being the submissive one?

Not applicable

Yes

No

Most of the time I did
(Option 1, with consent and negotiation)


26. Have you ever been restrained by your significant other?

Yes, was great!

Yes, but I did not really get into it

No

Wish they had tied me up
I'm done beating this dead horse. The author is never going to understand that there is a difference between kinky fuckery and D/s and that you can have one without the other.


27. If you were to be punished by a dominatrix, what should she use to keep you in line?

A severe spanking

Force me to clean her shoes with my tongue

Sit on my face until I beg for release

Refuse to see me or talk to me for three months
This implies that:
A) All submissive enjoy Funishment,
B) or want a punishment dynamic
C) That all "good" submissives will share those particular fetishes
(Option 3 because it was the closest thing to "Fuck this noise, Imma going home")
 


28. How often do you like to have sexual relations?

1 to 2 times a day would be great!

Once or twice a week would be fine

Once to three times a month

I don't need sexual relationships
There are loads of D/s relationships that do not include sex.
They can include sex, but they don't have to.
Sexual appetite has nothing to do with hoe submissive someone is.
Ugh!
(Option 2 was closest to what I'd prefer)


29. Have you ever had a toy used on you by a significant other?

Yes, I wanted them to use it

Yes, but I was not the one to suggest it

No

They wanted to use one, but I said no way
I give up.
 (Option 1 because I'm a submissive who likes to bottom during kinky fun times)

30. Of the following, how would you rate your tolerance to pain?

I cannot tolerate much pain

I can tolerate some pain, but not to extremes

Some pain is ok, but when I say stop, STOP!

Love feeling physical pain
Not all submissives are masochists.
Not all masochists are submissive.
Submission does not need to involve receiving pain, dominance does not have to involve inflicting pain.
(Option 3)


MY SCORE-
A Little Submissive, 19 submissive points- (Whatever that means)You are showing more submissive tendencies and you may want to explore those feelings further. They may be able to be drawn out by an intelligent dominatrix.

"A little submissive"...
And yet, here I am in a 24/7 D/s relationship that's about to head into its 7th year... But I might just need to visit a dominant to develop further as a sub.
Bwahahahahaha!

And this is why BDSM quizzes should be used for fun, not for informing a person of where they land in the Kinkyverse, because they're meaningless bits of fluff, often written by people who don't have any sort of clue, and for the most part have absolutely nothing to do with D/s.

The Myth of "The Traditions."

Traditions are nice things.
They help folks fee connected to one another, they bring people together, they help us connect with our pasts. Traditions serve an important role in society.

So, it's not surprising that the Kinkyverse wants to get in on the "tradition" action as well, and you can see it in a lot of places- Folks quote the traditions of the "Old Guard" or claim to follow "Leather" traditions. They claim to be a "traditional" Dom or sub (master and slave, top and bottom, etc). They've had traditional "training" or studied the "traditions" under Master-grand-High-Pooh-Bah Bob for eleventy billion years...

And that's cool. If they want to follow their "traditions" because it makes them happy? More power to them.

...Except there are some problems with "traditions". Some folks who get on their high traditional horse have a nasty tendency to bemoan the laissez faire attitude of "non-traditional" kinksters who are (undoubtedly) ruining the "scene" singlehandedly with their poo-pooing of the vaunted, high-holy traditions.

And there's this unpleasant thing that happens where their "traditions" are used as a cudgel to bash other "inferior" kinksters over their non consenting noggins.

And then there's the rather iffy "traditions" that nobody has ever head of that make you wonder if someone had a stanky brainfart and said to themselves, "Self! I think we ought to call this thing we want to do 'traditional'... Makes it sound all super-special-important instead of the stanky brainfart it really is!"

Now, bring a newbie into this steaming mess of "traditions" and unpleasant things start happening.

Formerly happy people start looking at the dynamic they've created for themselves (or are thinking about forming for themselves) and they begin thinking that this thing that previously sounded awesome to them (and probably was awesome for them) is no longer good enough.

Or they get the idea that they can't form the dynamic that they want because they have to follow some "traditional" way of doing things, so they settle for something unfulfilling or they give up on the Kinkyverse altogether.

Or they let themselves be talked into a dynamic that is unfulfilling or even dangerous by some Domly sort (or an abuser) who is just making shit up as he goes along and calling it "tradition" to give his desires weight that they wouldn't have otherwise.

That said- There's something important to think about when you see someone bemoaning nontraditional kinksters, or espousing some super-right traditional way of doing something...

Traditions are a myth.

Not because some specific areas or groups don't have their own traditions or values that they adhere to, because there are some long-running groups that do have enough cohesion and agreement among it's members to have formed traditions, but because none of those traditions will be recognized by every other group. There are no cohesive "traditions" for the entire Kinkyverse.

Even among one of the oldest kink communities in the US, the Gay Leather community which has been around since WWII, you're going to find different ways of doing things in different groups.

And to quote one of my favorite people on fet, because he's so damn well informed- "When you hear someone speaking of The Old Guard, or the ancient secret training houses of Europe, or whatever, at best, you are hearing some truths that were about some specific individuals or areas, and at worst, something they made up or lifted from some old porn they read, because there never was such a universally experienced or recognized thing going on. We are currently living in the Golden Age as far as leather and kink go, at least as far as community goes."

TL;DR- If you want to engage in something "traditional" because it fulfills some desire that you have... Super awesome! Get down with your traditional self. have at!

BUT... If you're being beat over the noggin with someone else's "traditions" feel free to laugh at them and ignore their ass-nuggetry. Traditions are a myth, at least in the "Well, everybody ever used to do it this way and this is the way it's supposed to be done because tradition" way.