1) Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?
When we do use a label it's usually D/s. If I cared to be more specific I suppose the idea of the 50's household would apply fairly well.
2) Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?
The who part is pretty easy- Cookie is the only person who has the privilege of bossing me around.
How is a bit more tricky. We're 24/7- But a very laid back sort of 24/7. He doesn't want to micromanage me and as I have no interest in having a Helicopter Dom, it works out well for us. When it matter to him that I bow to his authority, that's what I do. The rest of the time he pretty much leaves me to run things as I see fit... Probably because he takes it for granted that "how I see fit" is going to neatly align with what he wants.
3) How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?
I know that I'm his submissive because being his support person and letting him lead fulfills me.
4) Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?
At times I take the lead because I'm better suited to the task at hand... That doesn't make me dominant or a switch. It makes me a competent adult.
I maintain authority over my kitchen, my children, my healthcare decisions, family obligations, and any legal stuff that may involve me.
I am not a switch. I have no desire to be the partner with more authority. I may however be interested in service topping.
5) Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?
I've been learning about BDSM for close to 20 years now.
I've had some play partners in the past, enough to get a pretty good idea about what I am and am not interested in.
Cookie is my first (and Dog willing) last D/s partner and relationship.
6) What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
I have no idea why I orient the way I do sexually or relationship-wise.
I suppose this is just how I'm wired, and that's all the explanation I need.
7) Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?
No, no, and I expect that I would feel exactly the same way as I did when I was a child- resentful, angry, and hell-bent on bucking authority to do my own thing. Which is why I have absolutely no interest in having either of those things as part of my dynamic, those feelings are not conducive IMO to a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
8.) Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?
No. See above:
9) Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?
That thing I mentioned about bucking authority? Rules wouldn't work for me. If he said, "You must do X and never do Z" I'd be off doing the exact opposite of what he dictated because I can... If instead he expresses a preference, or mentions something he'd like me to do (or not do) and provides a reason? I'll bend over backwards to stick to that.
Like, he said once that he hated it when his ex would do things without asking for his input? Redecorating the house, adopting a pet, stuff like that... So I always ask for his input. It's not a rule, even though it's important to him, but because it's important to him I'll keep it in mind always.
10) Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?
Well, yeah. D/s is part of the BDSM acronym. Besides that, sure. We enjoy bondage, and some light S&M. It's fun. If I had to rate its importance? Eh... I don't know. Kinky play is awesome, but it's not everything there is to life for us, you know?
11) Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission?
I do things for him, but I'm not service oriented. I just see those things as the sort of stuff a caring or dedicated significant other does for their partner.
How do you define service?
To me, service is a specific mindset different from what I described above. It's something integral to some folks' submission... But not mine.
What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?
I doesn't mean anything to me because I am not service oriented. Doing for the sake of doing isn't what drives me.
12) Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself?
No.
If no, is there a particular reason why?
He makes financial decisions and manages our money because he's better with money than I am- But it's our money. Not just his. And that's the reason why.
Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?
Yes, I'm familiar with the concept, and the only opinion I have of it is that it's not my cuppa.
13) Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?
I'm available when he wants sex, but that's because I want to be available. It has nothing to do with submission or his Domly Desires, I just think that intimacy is good for a relationship and even if I'm not quite in the mood, I will be if he encourages me enough (wink-wink).
And no, there are no limits. He's not a clod. If I'm ill or something terrible has happened recently he's not so obtuse that he'd fail to recognize that.
14) Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit?
We're atheists.
If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?
Yes, I'm familiar with a few different versions of religious submission.
In some instances, it can be similar if the choice to submit is one that is freely made by the person submitting and the religious submission is something that she finds gratifying and a positive influence on her life and relationship.
But, sadly, most of the religious submission I read about isn't a choice freely made. It's something forced on the person despite how she may personally feel about it... And that is in now way, shape, or form similar to consensual submission.
15) Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?
Everything evolves, submission is no different.
Well, over time it's gone from gung-ho "ZOMG! Frenzy!" to "OK, I think this is more sensible and realistic" to "ZOMG! NRE! This is the AWESOME!" to "All right... Now that we've settled down, this is much more sustainable..."
As to how it may evolve in the future? Who knows? I guess that depends on what the future brings us.
16) Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?
With past partners it was extremely limited and resembled bottoming far more than it did submitting- I'd do what they wanted because I wanted it too, but they had no authority over me. This relationship is different from that.
17) What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?
For me it means that I have absolute confidence in his ability to lead well, make decisions that benefit us both, and to recognize when he's only human and adjust accordingly.
18) Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?
Communication is one of the most important aspects of our relationship, not just for the purposes of D/s, but for the health and wellbeing of the relationship... So it really helps things along that we enjoy talking to each other and that there don't seem to be any areas we are unwilling to broach (granted, some things may take a bit of time to broach, and maybe a beer or four, but we get there).
And how do I ask for what I want or need? I just ask.
"I saw a dresser at TJ Maxx when I was shopping with my mom, I think it would be perfect for the spot next to the front door. Want to go look at it with me?"
"I despise all of our neighbors, their dogs, kids, and stupid ass loud music. Can we move? PLEASE?"
"I'm jonesing Taco Bell. Taco Bell? Yes?"
"Wanna have the kinky sexy fun times now?"
19) How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?
I'm pretty social. I've got this bloggy thing, a few forums I frequent, and a handful of friends I keep in touch with. I like people for the most part, I like being part of a larger social conversation. and I like hearing about what other people experience.
20) Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?
That's kind of like asking "Has your wifeliness increased or decreased over time?" It doesn't make much sense to me because I don't think it's something that can be measured. And much like being a wife, or a mom, or a friend, there are times when it's easier to fulfill that role and times when that role is not the priority. Such is life.
21) Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?
Any position where he's actively asserting his authority?
22) Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?
Submission, for me, is something that happens and is expressed in a relationship. Without the relationship I may still identify as a submissive but I do not submit. Kind of like how you can still be a parent even if you're on vacation without your child. You're still a parent, even if you're not actively parenting that child.
23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you?
Mine? No. We've worked pretty hard to create a relationship that contributes positively to our life together.
Other people's? Sure. So I guess it's a pretty good thing that I don't have to do the stuff they do that I'm not into, isn't it?
Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?
Yeah, but that was mostly because I wasn't certain how everything I was could coexist beside this one particular label. I had a bit of an identity crisis. It sorted itself out with time and education.
24) What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?
Submission isn't emotional to me. It's how I'm wired. Like how I'm monogamous or how I prefer men. I don't need emotions to let me access my monogamy or my desire for a male partner. It's just something that's always there.
25) Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?
No and no. My orientation in my relationship isn't tied to objects or rituals. It's not something I do, it's something I am in the right circumstances.
26) What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?
The same qualities I'd seek in a vanilla partner with some additions- He needs to identify as a D-type and our ideas of BDSM must be compatible. and of course there are deal breakers, this is still a relationship.
27) Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?
Eh. There might be things that would be fun to try, maybe, if we ever get around to them... And no. They're not frightening or confusing.
28) Has your submission ever let you down?
No because I don't have unrealistic expectations of it.
Have you ever been criticized for your submission?
Sure. I hear that I'm "doing it wrong" on a pretty regular basis. It doesn't matter because the people who say it don't matter.
Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship?
Nope. No regrets.
Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.
The same way I'd handle any mistake- Learn from it and attempt to not repeat it. This isn't rocket science.
29) Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission?
Mild pain, sure. I like to flirt along the edges of pleasure and pain a bit. A swat on the bum, a bite that's a bit too sharp... Nommy. Humiliation OTO is not something I ever care to experience. EVER.
What is your relationship to it?
They're not the same thing. At all. One I have a happy relationship with because it's good times, the other I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole because it would leave me miserable and in a Very Bad Place.
Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?
I embrace what I enjoy and don't fuck with stuff that is bad for me (much less tolerate it because of some screwed up notion that because I'm an s-type I have to put up with shit that's not good for me. Ugh).
30) Is your need to submit being met?
I don't need to submit, just like I don't need to fuck, or need to be married. It's something I enjoy expressing in a healthy relationship, and thus far my ability to express it in this relationship is just ducky (that means it's pretty great for all you non-English speakers).
If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again?
If Cookie went more vanilla than a bottle of McCormick I'd be content. I don't need submission to be a whole person or to be happy in a relationship. It may add a bit to a relationship if I can express that aspect of myself, but it's not a deal breaker if I can't. There are things that are more important to me than submission.
What makes submission special to you?
My dominant partner.
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