BDSM contracts are a useful and positive tool for many relationships. They can help outline what is expected from all parties involved (It's hard to argue about who should be doing the dishes when it's clearly outlined in paragraph 3, subsection c), what the parameters of the relationship are, who is responsible for what, and a host of other things.
They can outline rules and regulations for a relationship, they can include sections on personal goals and growth, pretty much anything you can think of to put in a BDSM contract can be included (including dish washing duties). One other important aspect of a contract: It can help prevent against unpleasant surprises (if you forget to wash the dishes and the agreed upon punishment for that is supposed to be no internet for a day, your partner cannot suddenly and without warning tell you that you have to spend 5 hours picking up dog poo from the local Bark Park for example).
And for a newbie who has read popular fiction (they're often included as an easy way to up a book's word count) or has spent any time online they can appear to be a "Must Have" for any D/s relationship, so the question often gets asked, "How do I write a BDSM contract?"
So, in an attempt to be helpful I give you:
Squeaky's Handy Dandy Guide to Kinky Contract Writing
Personally, I think that the biggest benefit of a contract is the conversations that happen while figuring out why you want one and what you feel you need to include. Communication is an extremely important part of a healthy D/s relationship and talking about a contract can trigger conversations and ideas you may not have thought to have before.
Some things you both may want to consider previous to writing your contract:
What do you want your contract to accomplish?
People use contracts for various reasons. They can be used to help to reinforce the "seriousness" of the dynamic, to help one or both partners embrace their chosen roles more completely )as a serious sort of thing or assistance for fun role play). They can be useful as reference material in case of a misunderstanding ("You're right, I did agree to do the dishes! I forgot about that!"). They can outline what actions are and are not permissible in the relationship (for one or all parties) and what the consequences or not permissible actions might be. They can help people in the relationship feel more connected to each other and their dynamic.
Deciding why you and your partner would like to use a contract is fairly simple.
What do you want your contract to include?
This is where things get tricky for a lot of newbies.
Fictional contracts or contracts between people who have been involved in their dynamic for years can be pretty complex and include more things than you might think you need to include. Looking at those as examples can be daunting- Do you really need 38 pages of single spaced lines with sections, subsections, paragraphs, sub paragraphs, bulletin points, clauses, and 128 rules?
You don't.
You can, if that's what you really want, but it might be best to start with what you and your partner consider to be the most important things to cover. Why? Because it's easier to remember a few new things than many new things and you can always add to the contract later (which is probably how those 37 page contracts developed- Slowly and over time). One person I'm familiar with says that her contract consists of one word- Obey.
So- what are the most important things you and your partner can think of for your relationship? Are they rules, definitions of your roles, expectations that you have of each other, things that you (or they) should or should not do?
What tone would you like your contract to have?
Your contract is about you, your partner/s, and your relationship. If you're very serious people and want to take your contract as seriously as you take your selves and your relationship you might want to word your contract to resemble a legal document. If you're people who enjoy the more light hearted, fun side of things, you may want your contract to reflect that aspect of your personalities and relationship. There is no right or wrong way to write a contract so you can write it however you feel is best.
Now that you and your partner have had some conversations and time to think about what to include, you get to write the danged thing already, so how does that go?
Most contracts state at the beginning what the purpose is and who the parties involved are.
For example:
Super Serious- John Dom and Jane Sub do hereby agree that both parites, being of sound mind and body and both being capable of consenting to such an agreement, shall on this day, the 12 of Forever 2015, enter into a mutually beneficial arrangement where john Dom is the Dominant partner and Jane Doe is the submissive partner. Furthermore, both parties do declare that they will abide by the terms of the contract contained within the following pages...
Not Quite So Serious- John Dom and Jane Sub, by signing this contract, agree to enter into a D/s relationship and also agree to abide by the terms that follow...
Not Serious At All- John Dom, the Domliest Dom to Ever Dom, and Jane Sub, his most awesome submissive, who want to do D/s kinds of stuff together, wrote this kinky contract so that nobody will ever argue about who is in charge, who has to do dishes, and if picking up dog poo for 5 house is ever a permissible punishment...
From there, in any order you like, you write down the things that you both feel are important and would like to formally agree to. Ideas to include (in no specific order and just food for thought, you don't have to include any of these if they are not important to you or you can use as many as you want if they may be important):
What kind of dynamic you'd like- 24/7 TPE, bedroom only, or something in between?
If it's monogamous, poly, open, or something else (if open or poly, would you like to have a say in who your partner is involved with or who may become involved in your dynamic).
Who is allowed to do what and who they can do it to (is it ok for you or your partner to have sex outside your relationship, are you? Is playing outside your relationship OK for either of you? Do either of you need approval before engaging in extracurricular play?).
Who can make decisions about what (what authority would you like your partner to have, what does he want authority over, and what would you like to retain authority over).
What rules would he like you to follow?
Are there consequences for breaking those rules?
Do you agree to punishments and what punishments are OK? (you can limit what punishments you're willing to have inflicted upon you. If, say, corporal punishment sends you to a really bad place you can request alternatives like writing lines, writing an essay on what you did wrong and what you'll do in the future to avoid repeating the infraction, etc)
Are there specific protocol you'd like to include in your relationship? Using titles for your partner, poses that they may want you to assume at specific times, asking permission for specific things, etc.
Is there protocol to follow in vanilla public or at kinky events?
Who does what in the relationship? Are there things that he needs to manage and things that you need to take care of? What are your responsibilities and what are his responsibilities?
Are there personal growth goals either of you would like to agree to accomplish?
What kinds of kinky play are ok, what are your soft limits, what are your hard limits, what happens if you encounter something new neither of you had thought about before? What are your safe words, do you need after care, what happens if something goes wrong?
How often would you and your partner like to revisit the contract either to add things or subtract them (if they're not working for both of you)? Once a month, once every six months, once a year, never?
There are probably a million and one things I'm not thinking of, things you consider important that I'm missing, things you haven't thought of yet... But it's a place to start. And once you figure out how to get something started, finishing it up isn't usually that hard.
Also, for further helpfulness, a few links for more contract examples:
Example contracts from BDSMcircle
Example of an M/s Contract
Example of a D/s contract
And finally- Do you need to have a contract?
If it's not your cup of tea then no, you do not need to have a BDSM contract as part of your relationship. Some people find them useful and others don't feel a need to include one as part of their relationship- Cookie and I don't have one unless you count our wedding vows, and we seem to be doing pretty well without (though in all honesty he probably hasn't even considered the idea of one... I should probably not mention this blog to him. the idea of if might go to his Man Brain and he'd become insufferable).
No comments:
Post a Comment