He's so Vanilla!

Most of us are not born knowing that we're submissives.

In fact, a great many of us won't have figured it out until well after our births when something clicks and we get that "Eureka!" moment.

Some of us get lucky and we figure it out sooner rather than later, but there are pretty good odds that when we figure out that "submissive" is the role we want to take in our relationship we're already going to be involved in a vanilla relationship with a vanilla guy.

That can really suck. A lot.

I mean, here's this guy who's pretty awesome (You're with him so hopefully he's pretty awesome), you might love him or have very strong feelings for him. You've probably invested quite a bit of time into the relationship, you might have even married the guy... But then lightning strikes and you realize that as great as Mr. Vanilla might be, you'd really like a Dominant in your life, but you'd like to keep Mr. Vanilla too (what with him being awesome and all).

So what can you do?

You could run off to the nearest kinky website and get yourself an online "Master" on the side ASAP.
Not a recommended course of action because as the saying goes, "If he's willing to cheat with you, he's willing to cheat on you."

You could start leaving hints and hoping your guy picks up on them.
He won't. Hints and men generally don't mix well. They're like oil and water. The hints will bounce off him and he will remain clueless.

You can scour the internet for people who have faced your same dilemma and read what they've done in your situation.
This one is a winner, although you may not like some of the answers because not every vanilla + s relationship has a happy ending.

What those women will tell you is that they eventually had to talk to their vanilla partner about their relationship desires. They'll tell you that the talk was probably pretty difficult and uncomfortable, but there is a lot to learn from how they had their talk-

Unless he's already a closet kinkster, you'll want to take it slow and not over whelm him. Old dogs can learn new tricks, but they're not going to be able to learn 50 new tricks in one sitting. The same logic applies to your guy- Pick out the most important element of your desires and present it in a simple way that he can easily understand.

If you'd like him to lead more you could present it as a 50's style head of household arrangement, like what he may have seen in Leave It To Beaver. There's nothing threatening about Ward and June, in fact they seemed pretty happy together as Ward led and June doted on him- And honestly, who doesn't like being doted upon?

Want your sex to be a bit rougher? Asking him right off the bat to spank dat ass and call you a dirty hussy might turn him off, but a tickle fight or playful wrestling match (naked, of course) could possibly be a very fun introduction to the less-gentle side of sex.

Is bondage what gets your motor humming? You might be ready for the industrial strength locking leather cuffs you peeped on Sinvention's site, but he'll likely be less threatened by neoprene cuffs from Lover's Lane or a silk scarf you snag from the clearance bin at TJ Maxx.

If you're not ready for The Big Talk you can always sound the waters (but fair warning, it might not get you anywhere fast) by renting the silly Exit To Eden or off-kilter The Secretary to gauge his response or point out things that might be fun to try (Not the saddle! Not for his first time!). Or, to keep things feeling more playful, you could gamble for forfeits with pretty much any game- If he beats you at Clue! perhaps he gets to spend the day playing Lord of The Manor, if you win... Well, I suppose then you get to pick.

Wink-wink, nudge-nudge.

But the key (I think) is to keep things light at first and fun. If it's fun he's more likely to enjoy himself and if he enjoys himself he might be willing to try more things. And more things. And hopefully even more things...

And don't forget to talk to him. Ask him how he feels- Did he enjoy what you guys tried? What was his experience? How could you both make it better next time?. If he goes out of his comfort zone and tries make sure you let him know how much you appreciate him trying, and how much you enjoyed whatever he was willing to give a shot.

It's not easy getting that vanilla guy to go kink-flavored, but it might be possible with a lot of patience on your part and some willingness to explore on his. I wish you good luck- Both of you).

BDSM Safety: "Breaking"

Usually I just allude to the things I've seen that trigger an urge to write, probably because the trigger isn't as important to me as the topic is. Yesterday though, I saw this post in a forum and it got me thinking:

"So Daddy and I are also a Master/slave relationship as well. The issue is that I have a VERY dominant (not sexually) personality. If I want something I will push and push and push until I get it. Likewise, if I don’t want to do something, I won’t. I’ll get almost MAD if I’m pushed to do it. Being lazy doesn’t help this either. BUT I’m really weird.. I want someone to not give up. Someone to not get discouraged when I get pissy when forced to do something. I want to be broken into a real slave. I know that that probably doesn’t make any sense.. Is it even possible?"

Part of me understands the desire to be "broken" and why it's such a common theme for new submissives- Being broken removes responsibility. If you're broken you don't have to make yourself submit, you don't have to face your own insecurities, hang-ups, or other vanilla baggage... Someone else will do that for you. They'll make you submit to them.

And it's a rather hawt theme for stories as well, this "breaking" of a submissive: Some strong-willed chick meets a Domly Dom, he does deliciously horrible things to her, and eventually she submits to his will. The they ride off happily ever after into a perfect D/s sunset.

But what I often wonder when this theme comes up in real life is this- Do the people who express this desire actually think about what it would take to break them?

Think about it.

What would it take to break you?

I'm betting that it would take a bit more than some sexy, fun play to get you to do something you really didn't want to do. I'm willing to lay good odds that in order to break you someone would have to set up a prolonged and extremely unpleasant course of action. They'd probably have to beat you bloody, break some bones, and do the sort of harm most sane people would not consent to. They'd probably have to systematically destroy your spirit over time by continually tearing you down until the person you were no longer exists.

This "breaking" would look a lot less like a playful interrogation scene between two consenting adults than it would look like the torture employed against US soldiers by the North Vietnamese. Less 50 Shades Red Room of Pain and more Hoa Lo Prison.

It is entirely possible for someone to make a person want to submit to their authority, but the route to get there? Is that really something you want to experience? Is that really something you need to experience before you'll allow yourself to submit to your own desires?

And if it is, what then? What happens when the relationship ends and you're incapable of returning to the person you once were? Broken people often have a terrible time picking up the pieces and putting them back together. Any survivor of prolonged domestic abuse can attest to that. Who's going to put you back together after you've been "broken"?

Being broken is possible, it's not unheard of, and there are predators out there who would probably gladly remove your ability to consent to turn you into the mindless fucktoy they've always dreamed of... Is that what you really want when you say to all and sundry, "Break me"?

Or would you rather have a partner who can provide you with the environment or play you need to "let go"?

Would you rather have a dynamic where a little bit of struggle before you give in is part of your play?

Would you rather have a partner who adores the strong-willed person you are and inspires you to submit to them?

Instead of being broken, why not just give yourself permission to be the person you want to be? It seems much healthier and a lot safer to take responsibility for your needs than to rely on someone else to do whatever it takes to make you submit.

"Molding" a submissive (is all change good?)

There's a common theme in the way Dominants seem to be expected to interact with their submissive- That they're supposed to "mold" the submissive partner in some way, as if the submissive is some unformed being that requires shaping to be a complete person.

And while I get that everybody has their kinks, and some folks might like this putty-like submissive idea... It has bothered me on some level for quite a while.

It wasn't until I read another submissive's blog about why change wasn't good or healthy for her that I put my finger on it: When the "molding" thing is talked about it's not often done in a way that will help the submissive be a better person for themselves, but in a way that will make them a better partner for the Dominant despite what the submissive may want for herself or her life.

To me this notion that submissives are like a lump of play-dough, inanimate objects with no wants of their own who are just waiting for the Perfect Domly to come along and mold them into a shape he finds pleasing... It's insulting.

A guy wouldn't go out on a date with a vanilla girl and think, "You know, she's just not right for me. I don't like her body type, her hair style, her religious beliefs or her politics... But I guess I can get into a relationship with her and change all of that- Mold her into the perfect girlfriend."

But that happens with submissive women all too often. You hear about the requests that their Dominant partners make-
"I'd be happier/more attracted to you if you lost/gained weight for me."
"Your boobs are too small for me, I think you should get breast implants."
"I'm more attracted to blondes so you should change your hair color."
"I'm a republican... You should be one too."
"You dress too modestly, from now on you should shop at Street Walkers R Us."

And you wonder, "Geez... If he was that unhappy with the person she is- Why the hell did he get involved with her in the first place?"

I wonder where this notion comes from that submissive women are not complete people unto themselves, that we're just in some sort of weird stasis waiting for a Dominant to come along and tell us who we should be, what we should want, how we should look, and how we should think- And not only are we waiting for that, but we WANT it as well. We all welcome any change a Dominant might suggest that would make us into his perfect play-toy or partner...

It certainly doesn't come from anything reality-based. I don't think there's a human being alive who hasn't heard the old adage, "You can't change someone unless they want to change." Or who hasn't recognized a similar truth after failing to alter a potential mate in some way- People only change if they want to, they seldom (if ever) make a permanent change because you want them to.

Heck, attempting to change a partner is even a well-known relationship killer in Vanilla Land. You don't become involved with someone hoping that they'll stop being who they are and start being who you want them to be- It didn't work in high school and it doesn't work with adult relationships...

...Except in the Kinkyverse.

Supposedly.

Meh. I know that some people are looking for someone else to help them be the person they want to be- That they're open to being molded by a Dominant partner. It's their kink and they really enjoy that idea.

But most of the submissive women I've spoken to are not cool with that idea. They want a partner who enjoys the person they are, and the idea that their partner doesn't actually like who they are and that he wants them to change is a big turn-off. They think that if the partner wanted something different, then he should have looked for someone who met his needs to begin with; not choosing them with the intention of altering who they are some time down the road.

Long post short- "molding" submissives is more often than not the stuff of bad erotica.
If you want to be able to mold someone, then find a submissive who shares that kink and consents to it.
If you're a submissive who doesn't want to be molded- Then don't change yourself. Change your partner. Somewhere out there, there's a Dominant who will appreciate the person you are and who will think you're perfect as is.

Puppy Doe and the effects of BSL

I'm rather torn about including this topic on my blog- I'm a kink blogger. I write about issues that submissive women face in their lives and relationships... Politics and pets really don't have a place here... Or do they?

Three years ago Cookie and I went to our local Shelter and adopted a puppy. This is her:

Her name was Dalek.
And like most shelter pets, her past and parentage was unknown to us. As she grew it became apparent that our puppy was part Pit Bull- A breed with a nasty reputation. When we finally had to register her with our apartment complex we lied through our teeth and used her coloring to claim that she was a Boxer mix (also a large breed with plenty of teeth, but one that doesn't have the stigma Pit's do). Our apartment complex had a policy that banned Pit Bull dogs because of how "vicious" they are.

The problem with that stereotype? It's just not true. Dalek spent the better part of her days pinned under my eldest twin being "cuddled" (he loved her so much). She was constantly being tugged on, jumped on, petted, poked, and loved in a way that seems specific to very small children- A not very gentle sort of love. Dalek, of the vicious heritage, was actually better with the kids than her puppy-brother Skip who was a Labrador mix (one of the family friendliest dogs available).

She never once growled, showed her teeth, or made any aggressive move towards him or anybody else who wanted to be her friend. Even her stuffed toys suffered no more than a severe licking and cuddling- Dalek was a dog made for loving.

So maybe this is why the story of Puppy Doe feels so close to home- Like Kiya's owner I also had to make a choice because of my dog's breed. Someone complained about our Pit Bull and the apartment complex sent us a letter. I tried to talk to my apartment managers, I let them meet my dog and showed them how gentle she was with my kids. I told them that my dog was never off leash and never out of control... It didn't matter though, policy is policy.

We had a month to move or re-home Dalek.

Like most people, we couldn't just pack up and go so we tried to re-home her. We called all of our friends and family, but nobody could take her. We contacted every rescue in the area, but because so many other people were trying to find homes for their pets because of the economy, they couldn't help us. I asked my ex co-workers at Animal Control if they could keep her on indefinitely if we paid for her food and lodging, but they had policy too and couldn't help beyond offing us contacts we'd already tried. We asked veterinary clinics for help, asked our friends and family again... But in the end we were left with two choices-

Craigslist or euthanasia.

The day after this picture was taken I took my puppy to her veterinarian and I had to explain why a healthy, sweet, gentle, loving, and much-loved pet needed to be put to sleep. I held her until she was gone, and I had the hardest time letting her go. The vet techs tried to console me, they told me that I wasn't the only person who had chosen a kind death over an uncertain fate for a beloved pet. They told me a story about a man who had given his lab to what he thought was a loving family, only to have a rescue call him months later because they'd found his microchipped dog being used as a bait dog in a fighting ring.

They told me that I did the right thing, but I didn't believe them. Somehow I should have been able to do more, I should have been able to save her.

So when I read the Story of Puppy Doe and her journey from being a well-loved pet to the pain and suffering she had to endure until she felt a kind hand again and found mercy... I think about how her person must have felt being forced to give her up and how she must have felt learning about her Kiya's sad end.

I think about Dalek.

And I think about a policy that has absolutely no effect on public safety and forces people to chose between an uncertain fate or the certainty of death for a pet who has done no wrong, except to have been born the wrong breed. I think about predators who prey on desperate people who are just trying to do the right thing by finding their pet what they suspect will be a good home, only to take that pet and abuse it.

I think about Holly, the adult dog we adopted last year, and I wonder when someone is going to look at our newest family member and cry wolf.

Breed Specific Legislation is pointless.
The only thing it accomplishes is punishing good dogs and their owners for a false perception of what constitutes a dangerous dog.
It forces people to choose between an end they are sure of or an uncertain future for a pet who is, for most people, part of their family.
It takes a loving animal and turn it into an outlaw.

BSL need to go.

But until that happens, if you can take in a pet in need for a friend or family member- Please do it. Do it for Kiya who met such an awful end, do it for Dalek who would still be alive if only one person had said, "I can save her."
Do it, because yesterday it was our dogs- Tomorrow it might be yours, and you'd want someone to save your dog if they could.

How To Train Your Dominant

Much like your average submissive, even the "natural" ones, Dominants are not born knowing everything there possibly is to know about the Kinkyverse. Just like submissives Dominants also get to experience the joy of the learning curve where it's entirely possible that they'll feel Clueless, then slightly clued-in, then confused, probably another bout of clueless mixed with confision, and then finally (at some point) they'll "get it" and everything will click for them.

Until that happens one of three things will occur:
1. They'll stay single while they sort their shit out.
2. They'll find someone just as clueless as they are to bumble along with.
3. They'll find a more experienced submissive who may already have a clue.

This post is for Option Three Dom's submissive partner because for reasons I cannot grasp there is an awful lot of angst about more experienced submissives showing their newbie Doms the ropes- Bad pun intended.

Not so much from the Doms in question- I've actually yet to see a newbie Dom wander into a forum and angst over his submissive partner showing him the lay of the land. Most of the angst comes from the submissives because there seems to be this notion that sharing knowledge somehow equates to being in charge of the relationship in their minds.

To me that's about as silly as saying "I'm Domming my best friend when I show her how to make tasty Oreo Balls!" Because, you know, I'm not domming her. At all. I'm just sharing a skill she doesn't know yet.

It's the same thing if you're helping your Dominant learn about BDSM- You're not domming him, you're sharing a skill he doesn't have yet. In fact, you might even go so far as to say that you're providing a valuable service by helping him out... And everybody knows that service is one of the subly virtues.

Of course part of this might depend on your method of imparting your wisdom...

"You know Dear (or insert your favorite term of endearment/title here), I know you wanted to learn more about rope-work. I heard that The Knotty Boys' books are very helpful. Perhaps I could pick one up for you the next time I'm at the books store?"

Helpful, pleasant, a suggestion- Not an order... Paying attention to his interests? Seems pretty submissive-friendly to me.

Now if you went for this approach:

"What!? You mean you don't even know how to tie a double-hitch-clover-backwards-monkey paw-knot? Are you inept!? Geez! Put your hands behind your back so I can show you, you lack-brained peon..." with a heavy sigh, lots of eye rolling, and mutterings about how your last Dom wasn't such a failure at Domliness?

Yeah. That might not go over so well (though I do know a few submissives that would work well on).

There's a difference between being their super-awesome submissive who will happily help them out and being an evil harpy who will give them nightmares for the rest of their life. A little tact, a little consideration, and you too can help your Dominant learn without feeling like you're training your Dominant.

Is It Possible To Learn From Fiction?

Last year, after the sudden popularity of Those Damn Books, there was a massive influx of new people in the Kinkyverse. There was also a massive influx of blogs and threads about Those Damn Books, which is why I'm not going to discuss, much less mention them here. I bet you all can guess what books I'm talking about (and if you can't perhaps you should count yourself lucky).

Now that the dust has settled a bit, some folks are taking a look at the first BDSM related books to go main-stream and asking if this new genre offers people the possibility of a positive learning experience.

We all know that it's possible to learn things from books, even fictional books, if they're well researched and written. I knew next to nothing about Scottish history and Culloden until I read Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series (which I highly recommend, BTW. They're awesome books). I picked up bits of herb-lore, the American Colonies history, uses for bat guano, and why killing a bear with a hunting knife isn't the best idea.

A good book can be a valuable tool for learning more about the world, but if I had to guess I'd guess that most people don't pick up a fictional book expecting it to be a learning tool. It's fiction after-all, if you want to learn something you pick up a text book or turn to the dubious facts on Wikipedia (especially if you think that an interesting tidbit in that great fictional book you're reading might not be entirely accurate).

So these new, main-stream BDSM books, what can be learned from them?

I suppose they're a decent place to gain exposure to new and kinky kinds of play and what that play can feel like, to read about a thing and think, "Gee, that sounds like fun" or "OMG! EWWWW! I would never!"

Maybe they're a decent introduction to the topic of BDSM dynamics. They can give folks a glimpse into what it's like to be Dominant and submissive, Master and slave, Top and bottom.

But learning about the wide, wonderful world of BDSM? No. Books may be the key that opens the door, but they're not and they shouldn't be the only resource a person depends on for knowledge. For some reason though, that's what happens: A baby seal finds those books and decides that they're the be-all, end-all for BDSM information. Fiction becomes fact and baby seals become bait for killer whales.

It's something that boggles my mind. Your average person would not pick up a romance novel based in 19th century England and expect that to offer a comprehensive or accurate view of 19th century England. So why are these books taken as the Gospel Truth about All Things Kinky?

Mind.
Boggled.

Anyways- To answer the question (if only for myself) it is possible to learn some things about BDSM from the new main-stream kinky fiction books, but it's a serious mistake to think you can learn it all, or even learn entirely accurate information from books that are written by vanilla people for their titillation value. Trying to do any serious learning from a work of fiction is a really great way to wind up harmed in some way.

So if you want to learn something from a book try one of these:

The Path of Service, Guideposts for Excellence by Christina 'slavette' Parker.
The Loving Dominant - by John Warren
S&M 101- by Jay Wiseman
Safe, Sane, Consensual and Fun - by John Warren
Screw The Roses, Send Me the Thorns - by Phillip Miller / Molly Devon

Does This Outfit Make Me Look Submissive?

Some sweet young thing meandered her way into a group I visit earlier this week and asked, "What are submissive clothes?"

I felt my eyebrow hoist itself upwards towards my hairline and thought, "Clothes that don't struggle when you try to put them in the hamper?" before wandering off to read another topic.

It wasn't until later that I thought a bit more about the question and about what the girl who wrote it was trying to express.

Was she asking if there is some sort of Submissive Uniform- A type of outfit that all submissives wear that will easily identify them as a submissive?

Was she wondering what outfits individual submissives might wear to help themselves into a submissive mindset or to set the scene for a specific type of play?

Was she asking if certain events had dress codes that needed to be followed?

Was there something else her rather vague question was trying to express?

I don't know, but seeing that the topic of clothing comes up fairly often amongst new submissives I thought it might be worth taking a shot at here.

There's an old adage that states, "The clothes make the man" and to some extent it's true- If you want people to see you in a specific light there's no easier way to do that then with the clothes you wear; Put a man in a spiffy suit, no matter what his occupation, and most people will see that suit and think "power." Put him in grubby, worn-out jeans and a tee and people will not think so highly of him. Put him in a Hawaiian shirt and they'll think "Jimmy Buffet."

Clothes express parts of ourselves that we want others to see, so it's not surprising that new submissives often ask what types of clothing will help express their submissive identity. The problem with that though, is this: Much like no two women will dress alike to express their personalities, no two submissives will agree on what outfit makes them feel or expresses their submissive side the best. Heck, some submissives don't even depend on clothes to set the mood.

And you can further complicate that with their Dominant's preferences regarding their mode of dress: No two Dominants are going to agree on what outfit (or lack there-of) constitutes the perfect Submissive "look."

For me? Clothes don't really matter to my submission beyond what they do for my Dominant. And my Dominant? He doesn't really care what I wear so long as it doesn't look cheap or "slutty" (which in his mind means it's too tight or there's too much skin showing). If he wants me to wear something particular for play or lounging around the house, or he wants to approve a dress I'm thinking about buying for an upcoming wedding- He'll tell me.

Getting back to the topic at hand- I'm afraid there is no Official Submissive Uniform.

The clothing (or lack of clothing) preferred in a relationship is entirely dependant on the people in that relationship.

And if you're going to an event with a dress code? The dress code will be posted on the event's website or on your invitation.

So the easiest thing to do? Wear what makes you feel good and to hell with what outfits the other submissives might be wearing. Much like the only right way to do D/s is the way that you and your partner find fulfilling, the only right outfit to wear while doing that is what you and your partner find hawt. Your s-style is yours to define.

Topping From The Bottom BS

What is Topping From The Bottom (TFTB)?
Strangely enough, as much as the phrase is talked about and tossed about, I don't actually think there's a general consensus on what TFTB actually is.

The BDSM Glossary on Fetlife (an excellent resource for definitions and the like, BTW) states that topping from the bottom is-
"A submissive or bottom who attempts to manipulate the Top, in an attempt to gain attention or to have her own needs met; for example, intentionally misbehaving to draw punishment."

The example they give is an s-type who purposefully behaves badly in order to get some kinky play; more often than not Funishment: "Tee-hee, I'll do this naughty that bothers my Domly and he'll spank my bum! Yay!"

Why is Topping From The Bottom "bad"?
Quite a few of the people who jump on the TFTB bandwagon give two main reasons why it's an undesirable thing in a relationship:
1. It's manipulative and usually involves some sort of subterfuge or negative behavior which generally isn't healthy for a relationship.
2. It's an attempt to usurp the D-type's authority- Authority that in all likelihood the person topping from the bottom has agreed to.

What's with the "BS" at the end of the title?
Noticed that, did you? That's me calling "Bull Shit" on the entire notion of Topping From The Bottom.
Why? Because as unhealthy as manipulation is, and as counter-productive as usurping your Domly's authority in a relationship can be, I think that calling those things TFTB and leaving it at that is even more unhealthy.

A lot of new s-types and D-types come to BDSM with a notion that it's "all about the Dom" and that the s-type doesn't have, or shouldn't expect, the right to have her wants and needs met in a relationship. There's this "suffer in silence" message that gets sent out and people pick up on that... So when you tell someone "You can't ask for what you want" or "An s-type shouldn't ask for what she wants", that removes the option for healthy communication and only leaves manipulation as a means of getting those needs met.

Throwing the TFTB flag on the filed of play just reinforces that concept- Think about it. How many times have you seen a newbie say something like:
"If I ask my Dom to tie me up, is that TFTB?"
"I told my Dom that I really don't like anal, it hurts. Was I topping from the bottom?"
"When I asked my Dom if we could cuddle because I had a bad day and wasn't feeling up to playing he said I was topping from the bottom..."
"I asked my Dominant if he was good with money because he wants me to turn my paychecks over to him... He told me that questioning him was topping from the bottom?"

Then there's the flip side of the coin- How many Dominants use Topping From The Bottom as an excuse to shut down a submissive's reasonable requests, questions, or concerns because they threaten the Dom's idea of power and control? That seems pretty manipulative and unhealthy to me.

And, if you want to expand on all of that, you can think about the fact that there's no dearth of people who have mounted up on their high horses and are thrilled to sling TFTB arrows at other people's relationships- Something they have no right to do (but that fact doesn't tend to stop them). Those folks will gleefully ride into a conversation where a submissive has asked a question about TFTB and will proclaim, "Yes! You're topping from the bottom! You're not a real submissive. Obey your Dom or go back to vanilla suburbia you faker!"

Not exactly helpful, are they?

So what is the point of all this then, if TFTB doesn't have a definite definition and it's so misunderstood?
The point is that TFTB doesn't have a definite definition and it's often misunderstood and misused.

Communication is one of the most talked about things in the Kinkyverse, and TFTB is often used as a tool to shut down communication or to make someone feel like they're doing "it" wrong. It's also a label that fails to take into consideration that in some relationships a bit of playful naughtiness on the submissive's part is a welcome thing (when it's an agreed-upon part of the dynamic).

I'm confused!
So am I, you get used to it eventually.

Maybe instead of trying to say what Topping From The Bottom is it would be easier to point out what it isn't.

• Reasonable requests are not TFTB.
• Honest communication, asking for clarification, and attempts to learn more about BDSM and your relationship dynamic are not TFTB.
• Requests that involve your safety, health, and mental well-being are not TFTB.
• Communicating a need or want that is not being met is not TFTB.

Of course, relationships and the people in the differ, but I think it's pretty safe to say that honest attempts at communication are not Topping From The Bottom and any D-type worth his salt won't try to shut down honest communication with a TFTB excuse.

The Submissive Stereotype Needs To Die.

If you read any amount of erotic fiction, watch movies or TV shows that feature D/s dynamics as part of the story line, or frequent any sites that claim to have the inside track on how to become the perfect submissive it's easy to develop an idea of who and what a submissive woman is. A stereotype, if you will.

• She's young and improbably good-looking (her parents were a Norse God and a super model). Her chest defies gravity, her hair is the stuff of Pantene legends, and her complexion would give a dermatologist wet dreams. She has big eyes (that tear up at the least provocation), a tiny button nose, and full lips (that she's prone to bite or which tremble in a most becoming fashion. She's also slender.
• She's naïve and most likely not wise to the ways of the world (or men). No matter where she grew up, what her life experiences are, or how old she is, she's innocent to the point of cluelessness. If she had a vanilla boyfriend, hand-holding was her equivalent of 3rd base and anything else had to wait until marriage.
• Conversely, she's a raging nymphomaniac who cannot get enough sexings to satisfy her wanton lust. She'll bang anybody or anything if it'll get her rocks off... Discriminating taste is something she's never heard of, much less possessed.
• She's always painfully shy. Asked to tear her eyes away from the floor to meet yours she's more than likely burst into tears with a charming lip-tremble thrown in for good effect. She never speaks above a whisper (if she speaks at all), and odds are very good she thinks she's fatally flawed- Her self confidence can be measured somewhere on a scale from zero to zilch.
• Indecision, confusion, and  aimless describe her to a tee. It's surprising that she's made it to whatever age she is (18 to 25, usually) without starving to death because she cannot decide between Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Wheaties for breakfast... In fact, if asked to make any choice she'll fail (and then cry about it).
• She has no will-power, voice, or desires of her own. Or if she does, she's willing to give them up or shut up because, well, she's a submissive. What she wants doesn't really matter to her or anybody else. She's a blank slate, a doormat (in the worst sense of the term), a mindless automaton who exists solely to fulfill another's desires.
• She has a submissive personality. If you approach her it's entirely likely that she will roll over to show you her tummy and then fear-tinkle on your shoes. If you thump on her for that, she might whimper but she won't tell you to get lost or even complain.
• She thinks that she's inferior to whoever decides to dominate her. Equality and respect are not words found in her vocabulary. 
• She has no limits. If someone wants to lock her up in their grody, damp, dark basement for years on end, feed her nothing but bread and store brand lunch meat, and share her with his friends- She's going to go along with it. She might not be happy about it, but who is she to say she deserves something more?

This is the picture that the media presents as a "submissive woman", she may not be quite as malleable, helpless, or inept as that list when they're all combined- But to some extent she will hit every point I mention. She's never portrayed as a whole, capable, person in her own right.

And while it annoys the ever-lovin' bejeesus out of me, I have to wonder why that is? Especially when absolutely none of the real life submissive women I know resemble that stereotype (and if they do, then it's something they've chosen to portray because it fulfills them on some level). I don't have any idea why the stereotype is so prevalent when it's blatantly untrue for most women who chose to submit...

Though, on second thought, perhaps I do.

Perhaps the reason that this stereotype is so popular is because it doesn't threaten the fragile egos of the D-types who couldn't handle a woman who was her own person. Maybe it appeals to their need to feel superior, to lead without question, to get their way without worrying about the thoughts and feelings of another human being? I suppose nothing would make that possible quite like a submissive who was a threatening to his manliness and had the emotional depth and desires of a tug toy (you know, like a Fleshlight, Pocket Pussy, or any other soft, squishy toy a guy puts his wiener in to get off).

Eww. The submissive stereotype is a tug toy with a pulse. That's disturbing.

But I guess I could be over thinking things. Maybe it's like any other negative stereotype- It's just easier for people to believe the worst than to ask themselves if perhaps this idea they have about an entire group of people is- dare I say it?- Wrong.

Meh. Regardless of where the idea comes from, it's still something that effects the lives of submissive women in a negative way. It's something new submissives have to battle against when they're trying to define who they want to be while not allowing others to define who they should be. It's does a great disservice to submissive women everywhere and it really just needs to crawl of into a dark wood and die.

BDSM Safety: Why I Hate Handcuffs.

Quick question: What is one of the most readily available and easily recognizable kinky toys in the box?

If you answered "Handcuffs" you win a prize. I'm not sure what prize, but it's a prize and that's pretty cool. Unless it's a bad prize, like a garbage bag full of my dog's shed fur... But don't worry. I won't do that to you, I'm not a sadist (or that much of a sadist anyways).

They're often one of the first toys people will buy to start building their toy box and one of the first toys couples (or solo folks) might play with. Handcuffs are available pretty much anywhere kid's toys are sold or anywhere adult novelties are available, they're often reasonably priced (or down-right cheap if you get them in the toy department of any big box store), and quite a few people still have a set sitting around from our Cops and Robbers days.

Handcuffs are easy to get into and out of (really easy if they have that safety release catch), You can get them with adorable furry covers in lots of colors and patterns to spice things up, and if you're a total badass you can hang them from your rearview mirror in your car, thus showcasing your badassery and kinkiness to all and sundry.

Handcuffs are a ubiquitous part of BDSM. They're such a stereotypical toy that even this chick knew about how uber-super kinky they were:

But me? I hate handcuffs. I hate that they're on the cover of that silly book, I hate that they're so available, and I really hate the fact that people will use the damn things without even thinking about one rather important fact: Handcuffs are made for restraining criminals. They're really not a toy.

Do you know what law enforcement types are thinking about when they slap a pair of handcuffs on a bad guy? Keeping the bad guy from escaping. That's it. they don't care if those hard-edged cuffs are too tight and cut off circulation. They don't care if the cuffs are pressing on a nerve and cause nerve damage (which can last hours or forever). They don't especially care if the cuffs twist and fracture any one of the tiny, delicate bones in the wrist... Keeping that bad guy from doing any more bad things is their only concern.

It really bothers me that a tool for law enforcement officers is sold to the unsuspecting public as a toy that is in any way appropriate or safe to play with, because they're not. It bothers me that handcuff imagery is so pervasive in kinky play that handcuffs are made out to be an appropriate, safe toy, because they're not. Handcuffs are not safe and when there are so many other ways to restrain someone it boggles my little submissive mind that more people are not including this "toy" in their "Stuff to not play with without education and risk awareness" lists.

So that's it: Why I hate handcuffs. I wouldn't touch them with a ten-foot pole and I certainly wouldn't use them on someone whose well-being I cared about. The risk is just too high for me to do that in good conscience.

And plus, with handcuffs you don't get the delicious scent of leather wafting about whenever you move your arms like you do when you sport a lovely pair of leather cuffs (which can also be locked to prevent escape).

Why So Serious?

There's a great deal about my life that's Serious Business:

Did Cookie pay the mortgage or do I need to break out my mad forgery skillz and write those people a check?
Why are the doggy's toe-nails falling off? Should I take her to the vet? Do we have money for the vet?
Does Hallmark make an "I'm sorry my child bit your child and she needed to get a Rabies shot" card, or should I just send a fruit basket?
Will sharp white organic 35 dollars per pound cheese really make this recipe stellar or can I just use the stuff from Kroger?
Exactly how much does my Mother-in-Law dislike me?
That noise my car's making? Does that mean it's about to blow up in a blaze of glory or can I drive it to the corner store without immolating myself?
Is that a mole or cancer on my shoulder? Oh. It moved... Am I going to get Lyme Disease now?

Like I said, Serious Business. Lots and lots of serious stuff that needs thinking about, needs to be taken care of, needs to be on my brain far more than I'd like it to be... But alas, I've yet to win the Lottery and secret myself away on some tropical island where my Serious Business cannot find me (though thinking about it, I suspect that a tropical island would come with its' own Serious Business- "If that spider bites me will my arm fall off?"... Sometimes you can never win. Sigh.)

So I guess it's not very surprising that kink and my D/s relationship is not something that gets filed under a Serious Business heading. I'm of the opinion that it's called "play" for a reason,  that toys are meant to be fun, and this thing that contributes to my happiness- Well, it should help me be happy.

You wouldn't think that would be such a freakish idea, would you?

It is. Or it is to a lot of people who also like to file kink and BDSM under a Serious Business label.

I suppose if that's what works for them, and if they want to worry about BDSM along with their bills and their kid biting the neighbor's kid, or if their pet really needs to go to the vet or can it maybe wait until the next paycheck... Well, more power to them. Their relationship: Their call.

BDSM as Serious Business seems to be the norm. In most of the stories I've read it's not something that's taken lightly, in fact it seems that everybody involved is some sort of martyr for kink- They're all absolutely miserable. Porn? Same story. Nobody has fun in kinky porn. Pictures? When's the last time you saw a fetish model looking like she was enjoying what was going on? A good deal of websites and blogs devoted to BDSM... Yeah. It's all "right" and "wrong" and "OMFG! End of the world if you don't take what it is that we do seriously!"

Little wonder that folks think that when they do engage in some sort of dynamic it has to be taken as seriously as cancer, the stereotype is that pervasive. Grumpy Doms, miserable submissives, nobody gets to enjoy anything, ever, and god forbid that someone should occasionally crack a smile. BDSM is less enjoyable than a root canal without anesthesia.

But what happens if you're like me and you tend to think that you actually want to enjoy your play, your toys, and your partner?

You can either listen to the So Serious crowd and force yourself into a miserable box because they've forgotten that if it's not their relationship then it's not their call, or you can laugh at them, let them sling their "Not Real" and "Not True" arrows in your general direction and watch in dismay as the arrows bounce of your Epic Shield of Joy, and go about your merry way doing what gives you happiness.

Life is Serious Business, your dynamic doesn't have to be.

How To Take Proper Care Of Your Dom

I usually don't share writings that I've found as I often think that it's just a lazy way of fluffing the numbers in a blog to make it look like there's more content then there actually is- But this time I'm going to make an exception because I think this is an incredible blog and the writer an incredibly insightful person whose words should be heard by as large an audience as possible.

************

Recently I had a new friend ask me, in a frustrated moment, "How do you take care of a Dom?!?" I took a moment an asked him what was wrong. He filled me in that he was in the loving throes of a brand new D/s dynamic...his first of it's kind. We talked for a long while and I gave him my knee jerk reaction. I've been captivated by the topic ever since. I wanted to create a guideline for myself on how to take care of a Dominant. I consider those I submit to to be extraordinary. These are singular men. I want to make sure that they know that I know that I've found something rare and precious in him.

I was struck by the question. I realized right then and there that this was an excellent query, worth more than a moment's consideration. There are many posts on taking proper care of your sub, aftercare, taking feelings into account during play...and I realized there were far fewer on how we, as submissives, should care for our Dominants. Let's consider who we're talking about. Whether we're talking about Male or Female Dominants we are talking about people. Full-fledged every day folk who have bad days, good days, up and down days, and every other kind of day that you have as a submissive...person.

Dominants are expected to be strong. We hope they're strong enough to guide us/ care for us on our journey...such trust there is in a D/s relationship! In power exchange slowly I _get to_ hand over the power I have over myself and my decisions to him. Why? Because he's worth it. Because I trust him enough to give everything I have/am to him. I watch him, please him, love him...what pressure our loving Masters must be under!! I realized that having someone watch me lead by example and hand their body to me for safekeeping...would eventually feel like pressure. The pressure to never fail, never have a bad moment, and often we hold them to superhuman standards. Most days they succeed in being our Supermen. Most days we get to adore them and give ourselves over completely to their (our) most delicious secrets/ desire/ needs...but what about the bad days?

What about the day Daddy comes home from work after getting laid off? Maybe just a writeup or a speeding ticket? Something human...just a bad day. On that day how do we care for them? How do we show them that we care about their feelings too? The first is to remember they are human and have feelings and that BDSM is work. We choose to live in an intense world full of intense dynamics.
Why? it's worth it.

For the Dominant side...they make the decisions. Decisions are hard work. Remember when I said "get to" give away decisions...some days i don't want to decide squat. They put work into scene ideas, often they buy/make/carry all the toys and use you. They also have a vested interest in who you are and your personal well being. It seems like caring for a very rare, very fun, very high maintenance pet. Sometimes they need a breather. I can completely understand why. Has anyone ever owned a large cat? They take hours of care a day. They eat more than you can imagine. They can eat you. I still think they're a lot less maintenance than a full time submissive. We need to, as submissives, be aware of how much work goes into BDSM - emotionally and physically - for both sides. We're not the only ones baring our souls here.

I realized it's so simple and elegant...and Dominants are often easier than vanilla guys to care for. Why? Because most of the time they'll tell you what they want. Simplicity...for the sake of the post I'm speaking of male Dominants. What are they? Men. People. Take care of them in special ways specific to your dynamic...and then do something else. Take into consideration that these men may just want to cuddle and lie on the couch. Do his laundry for him or make a special meal. Cut him some slack to be human. Be there for him...that's what we get to do to thank them for what they do for us. Act like a particularly subbie girlfriend...remember when we fawned over and woo'ed our men?

Be open and honest in your communication. If you don't tell him what you need he will not know intrinsically. You must be willing to be brave and emotionally vulnerable to truly care for your Dominant and to honestly expect him to take care of you. If you are available in every way then you will learn what he needs even on the days when he doesn't feel so Domly. Sometimes a gentle hug or a sweet kiss...no lusty overtones...just a kiss to say "I empathize...I'm sorry you're having a bad day...I'm here for you if you need me for anything."

Allow him to talk to you...and be interested. We get the lion's share of the attention in this dynamic. When he's emotionally drained or just kinda mentally beat up then we should help to recharge him. If he needs to talk allow him the space to vent. Even if it's about you. Sometimes it's as simple as giving him time to play his video games or something fun and mundane like getting out of town with friends. We live in an intense world full of intense interactions and intense protocol...and once in awhile everyone needs a break.

If he's tired/drained/done with this day...don't pressure him to play. How would you feel if your cat died and he came home and anally raped you because he happened to have had a bad day too? I would feel bad about it...on top of which my freaking cat died...worse day. I hate feeling pressured...constricted...micromanaged. If I hate it odds are good he does too.

Don't nag or pressure. Don't act out for attention because you want it when he doesn't have the emotional energy to give it to you. Give him a break. let the man eat a cheeseburger and watch a ballgame without having to put on his superhero cape. If you're good to him and help his heart heal maybe he'll put his cape back on tomorrow. Today, love this human being who is such a rare and precious find.

Live in your moment. Remember that you never get this time back. You get the future. Enjoy it. Enjoy him. Enjoy every bit of intimacy you explore. Remember that if he has a bad day and you treat him with respect, empathy, kindness...he's likely to do the same for you when you let your best friend cut your hair and you end up with a mullet. Bad days happen for us all. If we're really lucky we have someone's support to help us through. This is universal and applies to both sides of the slash.

Recognize he's human.
Recognize that BDSM is intense and it is work.
Be empathetic, kind, and available.
Remember that you're _getting to_ give your decisions away...just like your submission is a gift - as is his Dominance.
Live in this moment and recognize it's a fleeting thing. This moment never comes around again. How you behave will shape your future. Remember that every action has an opposite reaction. Ripples in a pond.

Written by: Svana
https://fetlife.com/users/1328604/posts/1765606

What Questions Should I Ask A Potential Dominant?

New submissives often have a list of pressing questions that they feel they need an answer to, and one of the more common questions on that list is: What questions should I ask a potential Dominant?

It's a query that makes a lot of sense. Forming a list of questions that will be pertinent to forming a successful D/s relationship takes a knowledge of D/s that newbies don't often possess. You can think of it like knitting- If you picked up a ball of yarn and knitting needles would you know how to ask someone what the stitches were if you didn't have names for them? It's a bit hard to ask someone what "knit one, purl two" means if you don't know about knitting or purling to begin with.

When you don't know much about D/s or the types of relationships people involved in a D/s dynamic can have, how can you know what questions to ask a potential Dominant? How can you know what you need to know if you don't know what you need to know (and geez, is that confusing or what)?
So, in an attempt to be helpful and take some of the confusion out of vetting a potential Dominant I present you with:

Squeaky's Handy-Dandy Guide To Questions For A Dominant That You Might Not Have Thought To Ask But Might Want To Ask
(In no specific order and with only some semblance of organization)

Relationship Dynamic Questions:

Are you single?
This one might seem like a no-brainer but it's amazing how many submissives meet Mr. Domly Right and later join forums to bemoan how their Dom Charming had a wife at home, a girlfriend in another city, or an entire stable of submissives secreted away much to the new submissive's dismay. If you're not interested in being one of many (or if you are interested and would like to know about the others) it's a good idea to ask.

If you're not single do your other partners know that you're playing outside the relationship?
 There are a multitude of different arrangements people can have when it comes to multiple partners, and most kinksters are cool with those relationships so long as the people involved are honest about it. What isn't cool (unless it's consensual) is cheating because it's dishonest and is likely to hurt the partner who doesn't know about it. The vast majority of kinksters frown upon cheating.

Are you poly/open/a swinger/etc?
Is another good question to ask especially if you're interested in a one-on-one relationship. It's sad how many submissives think they're met Their One only to learn weeks or months down the road that he's not interested in them being his "one." Establishing how many people might be involved in the relationship from the get-go is a good way to avoid heart ache somewhere down the line.

What does poly/open/swinging mean to you?
If you are interested in having multiple partners it can be a good idea to know what that will mean: Is it a two-way street where Dom and sub both get to have multiples or is what's good for the gander not good for the goose? How many other people might be involved? Who much transparency will be needed to make it work? How will you each help protect the other's health and emotional well-being?

What does a D/s relationship look like to you?
This is a very important question to ask because it will define if your relationship styles are compatible- If you want 24/7 micromanagement and he wants bedroom-only kinky fun both of you might be pretty miserable trying to make the other person feel fulfilled in a relationship. Finding out what he wants and if it meshes well with what you want is a good way to avoid that.

What would you expect from me if we were in a relationship and what could I expect from you? Here's another handy question to learn what your roles will be, what your responsibilities might be, and what a relationship with that person might involve. It's also an opportunity for you to define what you would like from your Dominant partner so he will know if he can provide for the things you want in a relationship.

Does he want a Stay-at-Home submissive or a working one?
Do you like your job and would you be unhappy staying at home, or would staying at home caring for your Dom be fulfilling? Is doing the opposite of what you would enjoy be a deal-breaker?

Do you want a punishment dynamic?
Some people function well in a relationship where unwanted actions will have defined consequences, some people do not. If you know what sort of person you are it's good to learn if their ideas about punishments align with yours.

What kinds of punishments will you use?
Some Dominants use corporal punishments, others use corner time or essay writing, and a plethora of dominants will use a wide range of consequences designed to dissuade a submissive from engaging in unwanted behaviors. If you have triggers or if you have issues with any type of punishment then learning if that punishment is something the potential Dominant would use (and if he'd be willing to use something else) could be valuable for you.

Do you enjoy Funishment?
Funsihment, as opposed to punishment, is a form of play where the submissive will often "act" naughty to receive a "punishment" they enjoy: Like licking the Dominant's face to receive a spanking. Some folks enjoy this sort of play and others do not- A mix-match between the two would not be much fun because you might not get the play you want and he might end up punishing you in ways you won't like (or he won't get the play he wants and you'll feel resentful that he wants you to be bad when all you want to be is good).

Lifestyle Questions:

How much experience do you have and what are your areas of expertise?
Do you need an "experienced" dominant or could you be happy with a guy who's just starting out? Would you be willing to help him learn? Does an experienced Dom need to have a willingness to learn and try new things with you?

Will you respect my soft and hard limits?
People have limits for a reason and until they are ready to rethink that limit it should be left alone- Will this dominant respect your limits or is he of the school of thought that says limits are meant to be pushed or disregarded if they're inconvenient to what he wants?

Can he be patient if you run into things that you might want to try or he might want you to try but need time to wrap your head around/become OK with to the extent that you actually can try them?
Or is he going to want to force or coerce you into trying it before you're ready?

Are you a sadist?
An especially important question if you don't happen to be a masochist or have absolutely no interest in any form of pain. Conversely, an important question to ask if you do enjoy pain- Just as not all submissives are masochists, not all dominants are sadists.

Will we go to parties/munches/public dungeons?
Some people are rather private with their kink and relationship, others enjoy the company of similar-minded people. If you're a home-body and he's a social butterfly neither of you might be content in that relationship.

Is it OK if you or I go out alone?
This can be a good compromise to the home-body/social butterfly situation, but it can also raise other questions: Is it OK to play with other while I'm/you're out? How do we interact with others when our partner is not around? Etc.

Will we be entertaining other kinksters in our home/s?
How will those other people be treated? How will I be treated?

How do you expect me to address and act towards other dominants?

Will you share me?
This is a HUGE question. Some people really enjoy the idea of being shared because they like how humiliating it can be or they like the idea that their partner is so thrilled with them that he wants to let others enjoy their mad skills... And some people HATE it. Is this something you need or that you need to avoid? Does he feel the same way?

How much authority will you want to have over me?
What parts of your life does he want final say on? Are you OK with him having the authority to make those decisions?

Will you respect that there may be areas that I do not want you to have authority over?
You can put limits on the areas you will allow a dominant to have authority over- Your job, your kids, your health, financial, and/or legal decisions. Will he respect that you retain your authority over these things?

Kink Questions:

The kinky things we do covers so much ground that it would require pages of questions to help establish if you and your prospective partner are compatible. So what I'm going to do here is cheat and link to one of my favorite toys on the web: The Sex Map-
http://www.humansexmap.com/

"Sex Map?" you say... What this toy is, is an interactive map of a lot of the things folks can get up to sex-wise. You can put virtual pushpins (tried and liked, tried and didn't like, want to try, and fantasy only) in the different "countries" on the map to let another person know what you may or may not be into.

In a way I like this more than I like check-lists, because where check-lists can be comprehensive they're often not very fun. This map can be fun and it can be fun to look at other people's maps (they can be saved and shared).

If you prefer the idea of a check-list this is the one I like to use as it's printable and free and it covers a lot of area- http://www.cepemo.com/checklist.html

But either way, all these lists and virtual toys are is a way to open a line of communication between you and a prospective partner. They're not THE END of the discussion but the beginning.

Vanilla Questions:

Something I often see is folks getting so wrapped up in the possibility of a D/s relationship that they tend to forget that there's often more to a relationship than the D/s alone- As kinky as you are, as into D/s as you might be, vanilla life is still going to intrude and it's still a very large part of a BDSM relationship.

So while you're establishing if Mr. Domly Right is YOUR Domly Right you may want to establish is this guy is someone that you want to be involved with, vanilla-wise.

Does he like cats or dogs?
How does he feel about being boyfriend-girlfriend or marriage?
What are his politics like?
Does he practice any religion?
Where will you spend the holidays?
Does he like to cuddle on the couch?
What are his favorite bands/TV shows/movies/sports?
Who pays the bills?
Does he drink?
How does he feel about calamari?

Finding out if the guy you're thinking about seeing is vanilla compatible is just as important as finding out if the Dom you're thinking of submitting to is kink compatible. The things that you thought were important in a vanilla boyfriend are still going to be important things for a Dominant partner to have because even if the Dom is perfect, if he'd make a shitty boyfriend you're probably not going to be happy in the long run.

Never Too Many Questions:

I tried to make a comprehensive list that would cover a lot of the areas I see new submissives have issues with, but I'd like you to keep in mind that this is definitely not the be-all end-all when it comes to questions YOU might want to ask a potential Dominant, just a starting place to get you thinking about what is important to you in a relationship, what you need to be happy, and what you might want from the Dom o' Your Dreams.

If you have any questions that you feel are important to have answered- Then by all means ask them. If you want to know if he likes to play naked twister with other folks, or if he enjoys horseback riding in the fall, or if meeting each other's parents might be in the cards some day... Then ask those things. This is your relationship after all and the things that are important to you are the things you should be talking about.

BDSM Safety: Stranger Danger!

There's a lot of talk out there in the Kinkyverse about the precations a submissive should take when she (or he) is meeting a potential dominant for the first time. And while I agree that it's smart to take some precations, quite a bit of the advice that I read makes it sound like the submissive is engaged in an espionage mission, not meeting a guy for coffee.

I often wonder if people get so caught up in the fantasy of BDSM that they forget most Doms are just regular guys who are looking for the same thing a submissive is- A compatible partner. A dominant guy isn't any more or less likely to do something rotten to you than a vanilla guy is... Well, by "rotten" I mean the bad shit that can happen when you meet a stranger for the first time- Not the consensual play that may come later.

So how do you meet a potential dominant safely while not acting so paranoid that you'd put an entire pack of conspiracy theorists to shame?

Meet Somewhere Public
The most common advice, for a vanilla or BDSM Meet-n-Greet, is to rendezvous at a public place where you won't be alone. It's also sometimes a good idea to meet at a time when it's easy to limit the amount of time you'll have to spend with him- Coffee at 3pm means that if things are not going well you can leave for "dinner with a friend"... Or if things go really well you can share a meal and continue to get to know one another.

A restraunt, Coffee Bar, Book Store, local Mall, or well-trafficked park (NOT the secluded nature trails!) are all pleasant locations to meet a new person.

Arrange for a "Safe Call" or arrange to call a friend.
Some people arrange for a Safe Call, which is just a BDSMy way of saying that you want a buddy to call you occasionally during the Meet-n-Greet to see how things are going. You can pre-determine when the calls will happen- "Call me half-way through the meet and again when it should be ending," or you can request that your friend call you when they feel like it. If your friend is a worrier it's nice to call them once you're safe at home so they don't wear a rut in ther floor while pacing and wondering if you're stuffed in a trunk somewhere.

There is something to remember about a Safe Call- It's not gaurnteed to keep you safe. A safe call will not prevent a bad guy from doing something bad to you, and it will not deter someone from doing something bad to you if they have their evil little heart set on that course of action. Safe Calls are only a precationary measure, not the be-all, end-all of safety.

For myself, when I was doing the Internet Dating Thing, I told a friend where I was going, when I expected to be home, and I gave them a call when I got home. All of my Meet-n-Greets happened at public locations and we would exchange first names and cell phone numbers before hand. That was it, and I'm still alive. I never had a problem with a guy I was meeting (well, beyond one guy showing up and being about 100lbs heavier than his profile picture depicted him).

Should I play on a first meet?
Quite a few people caution against playing on a first meet as well, which makes sense (even if it's not at all hawt). How can you see to your own safety if you allow someone to restrain you? It's rather difficult to leave if thigs start going badly when you're tied spread-eagle to a bed, and no amount of safe calls can stop a Bad Thing from happening once you're in that position.

That's not to say something bad will happen, people have played on first meets and have suffered no damage from the experience. If you play or not is entirely up to you (NOT the Dom you're meeting), and you're the only person who can decide if playing on your first meet is something you can accomplish safely.

Are there any other safety measures I can take?
Other common precautions people take on first meets are the same precations most of us learned in Kindergarten: Don't take candy from strangers, don't go anywhere with a stranger or into a stranger's house, Don't get into a stranger's car, and Don't let a stranger put thier hands on you. Simple things that work in Kindergarten can also work well for adults.

Paranoia Vs. Common Sense:
Now earlier in this blog I mentioned safety precations that seemed as if they belonged in an espionage mission- Some folks insist on these precautions and will refuse to meet anybody who doesn't comply. Personally I think they're a bit over-board, not any more likely to ensure your safety, and rather unfair... All of the submissives I've read about who request this information do not reciprocate (because, you know, submissive women are never dangerous predators).

First AND last names.
Cell, Home, and Work phone numbers.
Home address and work address.
Photos of driver's licenses and/or work IDs.
License plate number, make, model, and year of the potential Dom's car...

As I said it seems a bit unfair. If you wouldn't feel comfortable giving someone who is essentially a stranger this information, why should they feel comfortable giving it to you? They're just as likely as you are to have a life to protect, children to protect, and acquiring a stalker probably isn't all that high on their list of priorities.

Beyond that- Just use your common sense and listen to the little voice that tends to pipe up when something is iffy. Your instincts are rarely wrong, so if your gut tells you to cut and run it's probably a good idea to listen to it. Safety precations will only go so far to help keep you safe, the rest is up to you.

The Flip Side of The Coin- Dominants

A Little Bit About Dominance (and by little but, I do mean little bit)
Because this is a blog about submission and submissives and not Dominants I didn't want to write an extensive novella on the subject of Dominance, but I did want to include a small part on Dominance as Dominants are our counterparts. They're the Big D to our little s, the other side of the slash, the yin to our yang (or vice versa), so on and so forth... The point is, without a Dominant partner to submit to it's a bit difficult to submit at all. Unless you have a cat, those little buggers are more bossy and evil than any man I've ever run across.

 This blog is horribly generalized and overly-simplified because its' purpose is to just give you a bit of understanding about Dominance and the roles Dominants play in our lives. If you'd like to learn more about Dominance I highly suggest the book "The Loving Dominant" by John Warren. It's very informative and even quite amusing at times.

 That having been said, I'll get to the point- What is a Dominant?
A Dominant is a person who likes having some amount of authority over another person, namely a submissive.

 Are there different types of dominants?
Indeed. Just as not all submissives will fit into the same mold and each will have a somewhat unique style of submission, Dominants also express themselves and their desires in different ways.

Dominance can range from a guy who just likes to have control over what happens in the bedroom to a guy who would absolutely love to micromanage every breath you took. And in between either end of the spectrum are as many Dominance styles as there are grains of sand on a beach.

 Are there Dominance styles that occur more often than others in D/s?
Yes there are, although even within the more common styles there is a lot of room for individuality and often a Dominant will practice more than just one style. For example you might find a Daddy Dom with a Sadistic streak.

 A Top is the counterpart to a bottom. While the bottom is the person who has stuff done to them, a Top is the person who does things to others. Tops don't necessarily need an Authority Transfer dynamic to find fulfillment in a relationship as they're generally not all that interested in having authority over another, they just like the "doing" part of things. And to do to another all one needs is a willing partner, not a submissive one.

 There are a few different takes on what makes a Daddy Dom a Daddy Dom. Some people see Daddy Doms as a nurturer, a sort of caring fatherly figure who guides their submissive much as a real father might care for his child. The caring aspect makes this Dominant popular with certain submissives, though it tends to annoy others as they don't want the fatherly guidance aspect of the role (I admit to being one of the those submissives, I'm an adult and I don't especially want to be treated like a child). Some Daddy Doms partake in Age Play with a "little" but this doesn't make them pedophiles as some alarmists like to proclaim. They're well aware that they're in a relationship with an adult, it's just that that adult doesn't want to act their age all the time.

 Now, are you old enough to remember "The Softer Side Of Sears" commercials? I am, and although this dates me terribly (No, honest! I'm still a sweet, young thing!) it's the comparison that springs to mind for what I think of as a "regular" Dominant and a Sensual Dominant. If Regular Dom is all about the tools (often ouchy kinds of tools) then Sensual Dom is all about the softer side of things.

 For a Sensual Dominant the play experience is all about sweet sensations. The whisper of silk, the sweet tickle of feathers, skin on skin, and perhaps the luxurious feel of velvety fur. The Sensual Dominant is still very much in charge of things, and still enjoys some Authority Transfer, he just prefers sensual play to painful play. The sensual Dominant is my preference as I'm not much of a masochist, I like a little pain sometimes, but nothing heavy or overly harsh.

 Regular Dom can be sweet, he can be harsh, he's in charge and he likes it. He might make you grovel and beat your ass or he might give you cuddles and play with the tools from the Sensual Dom's toy box. He's a man of many skills and probably knows something that could keep an adventurous submissive thrilled and on her toes. Regular Dom is probably the most common style of Dominance out there because he does, and can do, so many things and be so many things. He can be sensual, a sadistic bastard, or anything in between.

 A Sadistic Dominant is one who gets most, if not all of their pleasure from inflicting pain on another. If it hurts you (and probably hurts you quite a bit) he's probably going to love it. Sadists are the Dominants most often portrayed in movies, TV shows, and other media because what they do is so shocking to the general public. Sadly, these gentlemen (note: I DID NOT say "gentle men") who are so often portrayed as the villain are usually just your average guy when they're not beating someone black and blue. They're good husbands, loving fathers, and friends. They have a bad rap and it's stupid when you think about it- Sadists beat Masochists, and Masochists LOVE it. Regardless, if pain isn't your cup of tea you might want to steer clear of the sadists (unless you're feeling adventurous and willing to see if maybe pain does do something for you).

 Finally, a slave cannot be a slave without someone to master them (well, I suppose they could but they might want to invest in six or seven cats to really step up the cat bossiness factor). This is where I introduce you to The Master. As far as I know Masters don't have stereotypes, they're always just seen as a Master. Their styles of mastery are more than likely highly dependent on the individual and their dynamic. Also, the title "Master" is not just reserved for the masterly sort, plenty of submissives use it in regards to their Dominant.

 You're probably noticing how I said "finally" when I was talking about Masters but there's still another *ahem* "person" left on the list. How can that be? I'll explain, the gentlemen I wrote about above this, they're Dominants. They practice consensual dynamics where their submissives or slaves are safe, fulfilled, and secure. The guy below... Well, read on to learn more...

THE ABUSIVE "DOM" (Warning! Alert! Awoooga!)This worthless piece of flotsam in the gene pool gets GREAT BIG scary black letters because this is something that you have to be aware of. This guy is in no way, shape, or form a Dominant. Dominants practice CONSENSUAL dynamics and play. These guys do not. Plain and simple they are abusive predators who use this lifestyle as an excuse for their inexcusable behavior. They are bad fucking news.

 The abuser will take anybody for a ride but they often prey on new, naïve, starry-eyed submissives who haven't taken the time to educate themselves about what is and is not acceptable in this life. These are the guys who will punch you in the eye, break your bones, rape you (not rape play, REAL rape), clean out your bank account, and generally ruin your life. They might even end up taking your life.

 While they're doing this they'll tell you that "of course this is normal in a D/s relationship, they're the dom and they get to do whatever they want, right?" They'll say that you're not a "real" or "true" submissive if you question their actions. If you express a desire to leave they'll claim that they can't and that "contract" you signed is legally binding and you HAVE to stay, or else...

 There are abusers in the community and you need to be aware of this fact.
They use titles like Dom or Master to dupe the gullible into falling for their shtick and as an excuse for their violence ("It's OK that I threw you down the stairs and broke your collar bone. I'm your Dom!")

 So when does dominance become abuse?
Lets get something straight, dominance should never be abusive. Dominance is part of a consensual arrangement between two adults, abuse is not.

 The relationship stops being consensual as soon as you don't consent to something that is being done to you and they don't stop. I'm not talking an accident, you have to safe word twice because your Dom is off in Happy Dommy Land and didn't hear you... I'm talking about serious "NO! I DO NOT CONSENT TO THIS! STOP NOW!" business that is ignored. As soon as you withdraw that consent it stops being anything resembling D/s and starts being abuse and you need to get the hell out of there. It stops being D/s and turns into abuse when you no longer feel safe and fulfilled in your relationship.

 Now this isn't a blog on domestic violence, there are plenty of those out there, and a good many of them will also apply to a relationship with a D/s dynamic. If you're ever in doubt about your relationship being D/s or abuse there will ALWAYS be someone to answer your questions on fetlife.com or bdsmfriendbook.com (those are nice sites filled with some good people) If you feel that your life is in danger PLEASE GET OUT NOW!

PLEASE.

 If you need help please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or dial 911.

Safe Words: It's like Go, Dog! Go! for Grown-Ups.

And now, just when you thought I couldn't possibly write anything more about how important it is to enable you to play safely... Another blog on everybody's favorite topic, more safety! In this part we're going to discuss safe words, you and I. Why? Because they're damn important sometimes.

 So, what are these "safe words" I'm babbling on and on about (and will continue to babble on and on about)?
Safe words are a set of, or a single word that people use to indicate that a play session is either not going well for some reason (Ow! I have a cramp in my left ventricle!) or needs to be stopped all-together and right away. Safe words are a great idea if you're into play where you might end up saying "Don't!" or "Stop!" as part of the action (think: ou're the princess and an evil, yet incredibly handsome ruffian is having his way with you), but you really don't want your partner to listen to those words that are coming out of your head and stop the fun.

 Often times safe words are just asafety net and odds are good you might never need to use them. They're like the seatbelt in your car or a rip-cord on a parachute- Good to have around but something you hope you never need. They can be especially nice to have if you have a partner who is new to you and doesn't understand how you react to certain stimulii or cannot yet read your reactions or tone of voice. Misunderstandings happen, safe words can reduce the possibility of them happening.

 One of the most commonly used set of safe words is the Traffic Signal System. They're super-easy to remember, so easy to understand that even a small child can "get" them (Seriously, who doesn't know what the colors of a traffic signal mean?) and they're recognized by just about anybody who might be at a kinky party, function, or club.
Green = Go!
Yellow = Slow down (or I don't want to stop but something is wrong and needs to be fixed)
Red = STOP!

 Other people like to choose to use safe words that are unique to their relationship. Cookie and I have "chicken nipple" as our safe word (It's a loooong story, you don't want to know). It's not something that I would usually say during play so he knows that if he hears it something is wrong and he needs to pay attention to me. I've heard of folks who use IceCream, Butter, Tulip, and Rhinocerous. You can choose any word you like, just make sure that it's not so silly that you won't remember it if you need it.

 An important thing to remember about safe words is that they are not the be-all, end-all for safety during play. Many people feel that safe words come with their own set of problems or might give someone who relies on them a false sense of security. So in regards to safe words and your journey it's going to be up to you and your partner to determine what will work best in your relationship dynamic.

　
Do I need a safe word?
That is entirely dependant on you and what you're comfortable with and how you play. If you never do anything that could be termed risky (plenty of submissives don't, we're not all into whips and canes and sharp-pointy impliments of pain) or anything where you want to shout "No!" or "Stop!" without stopping the play you could probably do without, plenty of people don't have safe words.

 What if I can't talk?
There might come a time when you think you want to have a safeword but for some reason speach isn't posible (duct tape, scarves, cock... Lots of things can impede your ability to speak). So what do you do then? You can use a signal, like kicking your right leg or clapping your hands, or in the instance of the last example biting (but I wouldn't recommend it). You can snap your fingers, or you can hold a bell in your hand and drop it if you need play to stop.

 Will everybody respect my safe word?
The sad fact of the matter is that no, not every dominant will respect your safe word, and that's why it's important to know that the person you're playing with will listen to you and act accordingly if you need them to.

 When do I use my safe word?
You use your safe word when you feel it's necessary, if you are in trouble, if you're hurt badly, if you cannot take "it" (whatever it might be) any more, then you safe word.

 If your arm is falling asleep and it's annoyingly pins-and-needles and you need a tie moved or to move to a different position you might use "yellow" or whatever your equivilant of yellow might be.
If you can't breathe or you need the action to totally stop for whatever reason you would obviously use the word that means STOP! HELP! so that your partner can assist you.

 Does it mean that I've failed my Dominant/patner if I safe word?
No! I don't want you to to ever think that safe wording equals failure because IT DOESN'T!

 Using your safe word is never a "failure" by any stretch of the imagination. Your dominant might really be enjoying (really, really enjoying) what he's doing to you at the time you need to use your safe word, but he's enjoying it because he thinks that everything is OK on your end of the action. No Dominant worth his weight in nipple clamps is going to enjoy knowing that you needed to safeword but you didn't and so he ended up hurting you in a bad way (as opposed to hurting you in a good way).

 You should never feel bad because you needed to stop a session or have someting in a scene altered, sometimes things go wrong and it's really good to be able to help your dominant make them right so that you can both enjoy yourselves fully.

 Why not just communicate? Why all this hullabaloo about safe words?
Communication is a wonderful tool, and a very important one when it comes to D/s. There are couples who can "just communicate" by stating exactly what's wrong and what needs to be fixed. It is a lot easier for some to say "My leg is falling asleep, I need to move it." than to shout out a color or a word they might have picked months ago. Some couples get to the point that they know each other so well that the dominant partner can tell the difference between a real "stop" and a "stop but don't stop because I'm enjoying this".
In the end it's really about how you feel the most comfortable and how you feel safest.

 Can safe words be abused?
Yes, it is possible to abuse safe words.
Have you ever read the story about the boy who cried wolf? The damn kid kept yelling "Wolf, wolf!" just to get people's attention. After a while they got sick of his antics, stopped listening to his yowling, and he get eaten. The same thing can happen to you if you abuse your safe words. Ok, the odds of you getting turned into someone's dinner is probably pretty low, but you get the point. I hope.

 What about sub space and safe words?
Personally, I would suggest that if you're the type of person who reaches sub space then you might not want to play with anybody who doesn't know you extremely well. Some people who are in sub space become incoherent and lose the ability to speak or think clearly about what's happening to them. That is not a safe place to be if you suddenly need help and the person who's playing with you while you're in that state cannot read your body's signals.

 What if I panic and I don't remember to use my safe word?
Panic is another good reason to play with people you're familiar with and who are familiar with you. In the event that you panic you might need someone who can tell right away that you're not writing in pleasure, but fear and anxiety.

Mentors, Protectors, and Training (Oh my!)

As you meander through the internet and skulk about forums, chat rooms, and websites devoted to Dominance and submission there are a few titles other than Master, slave, Dominant, and submissive that you stumble across. These folks are mentors, protectors and (the ever dubious) trainers.
Some of these people will honestly want to help you out as you learn the ropes (pun intended) of submission but there are a few unscrupulous sorts who'll use mentoring, protecting, and training as an excuse to boss you around and get wank material from you for free. A rather pertinent fact to remember when dealing with mentors, protectors, and trainers is that "Nobody ever does anything for free" why should they invest time and effort in you for someone else's benefit and get nothing in return?

 So what is a mentor?
They're someone who'll offer support or advice when needed, answer questions when you have them, or point you towards resources that can help you answer the questions on your own. A mentor could be a Dominant, but personally I think it makes more sense to have another submissive be a mentor as another submissive will understand where you're coming from because she was once a newbie on a journey too (that and another submissive won't have an ulterior motive).

 How do you find one?
I suppose if I were in the market for a mentor I would pay careful attention to the folks in groups that I belonged to online and people I might have met at munches. I would see who seemed to have their shit together, whose dynamic looked like something I was interested in emulating, and most importantly for me someone I felt I could relate to. Then, I'd probably send this Paragon of Subly Virtue a nice missive explaining that I really liked what they had to say and I was wondering if when the time came that I might have questions, could I seek advice from them, or if it was a real life person I'd ask them if they'd be willing to offer me advice when I needed it.

 What should their role be?
To me a mentor is like a Big Brother or Big Sister. They're not in it for sex or wank fodder or to act like a Dominant towards you, they're mentoring because it gives them pleasure to be able to help someone new learn what submission and D/s is about. They're people who have knowledge to share with the folks who need it.

 What should they NOT do?
I really don't think that a mentor should have any authority over a new submissive, because it's too easy for that person to then take advantage of the newbie. I have seen and heard of this happening with skeevy sorts of dominants who prey on a newbie's inexperience. I firmly believe that anybody who espouses the "REAL & TRUE WAY OF DOING STUFF AND THINGS" ought to be kicked to the curb, ASAP, because there is no "REAL & TRUE" there's just what's right for the individual and the people involved in a particular relationship.

 What has been YOUR experience with them?
None. I've been in a big sister role, which is why I base my ideas of what a mentor should be- A compatriot. All of my learning about BDSM has come from books, life experience, and the submissive ladies I associate with through internet forums whose words I relate to and who I feel offer the best advice for my personal style of submission.

 Why would you want one?
I suppose I might want a mentor if she had knowledge that I didn't have and couldn't learn on my own.

 Do I need a mentor?
Only if you think that having a mentor would add to your education and experience. Not everybody has mentors because not everybody feels that they need them.

 What is a Protector?
Usually a protector is just someone who has your back. It's a friend who is willing to watch over you and help ensure that you're safe. Mostly I see protectors as an online entity and I really don't get the point of it- If someone is bothering you online it's very easy to hit the BLOCK button so they can not longer pester you. Much easier than tracking down your friend, saying "So and so is picking on me!" and waiting for your friend to send the idiot bothering you a Very Angry Message (Ooo, anything but that!).
Ideally, if you're old enough to be involved in this life you ought to be old enough to be able to tell someone who is annoying you to get lost. If you can't do that and you need to run to a protector to hit the IGNORE button for you... Yeah. That's kinda sad. You might be a submissive but you're not a wimp.

 What is Training?
Training is a fancy concept for learning what your dominant likes and expects from you. Most of us have done this for years with our vanilla boyfriends- We learn what meals they like, we learn how they like us to wear our hair, we learn what best pleases them in bed.

 Do I need training?
Honestly, no. Learning how to be a competent submissive is not rocket science. You might have to learn things that are new to you, but in general it won't be anything that will require something as involved as "training" to grasp. As long as you have a firm grasp of manners and common courtesy, you're good to go.

 Lord Master of The Universe Sir Fatpants has offered to train me, should I accept?
If you want to waste you time, feel free.
I say this because no Dominant is going to be able to train you for another Dominant (unless he's a psychic and knows exactly what your future Dominant might desire. And if you do find this magically psychic trainer can you have him send me the winning lotto numbers for next week's drawing?). No two Doms will want or enjoy the same things... I could have gone and had myself trained in Super High Protocol Uber Kneeling Skillz (yes, there's a "Z" at the end of skills because without that "Z" it would be impossible to express exactly how mad my skills would be), but it would have been a waste of my time because my Dom doesn't care for such things, he's a very laid-back kind of guy.

 Also, most random Dominants who might offer to "train" you are just looking for someone to boss around who will give them wank fodder (really, they do need to see you stuff a giant cucumber in your hoo-ha on web cam to be certain you're being properly trained in the exotic and nearly lost art of cucumber scromping. *scoff*). They'll tell you that the things they'll teach you will help you find a Dominant of your own, but that's just a line. The only thing they'll really teach you is not to trust shady Dominants bearing offers of training.

 Finally, when you do find a Dominant, he'll be more than happy to let you know exactly what he likes and expects from you. If you need to learn some fancy position for giving him a hummer he'll show you. If he wants his shirts folded a certain way, he'll let you know. If he likes his meatloaf made without onion... Well, I'm sure you get the point.