There's a common theme in the way Dominants seem to be expected to interact with their submissive- That they're supposed to "mold" the submissive partner in some way, as if the submissive is some unformed being that requires shaping to be a complete person.
And while I get that everybody has their kinks, and some folks might like this putty-like submissive idea... It has bothered me on some level for quite a while.
It wasn't until I read another submissive's blog about why change wasn't good or healthy for her that I put my finger on it: When the "molding" thing is talked about it's not often done in a way that will help the submissive be a better person for themselves, but in a way that will make them a better partner for the Dominant despite what the submissive may want for herself or her life.
To me this notion that submissives are like a lump of play-dough, inanimate objects with no wants of their own who are just waiting for the Perfect Domly to come along and mold them into a shape he finds pleasing... It's insulting.
A guy wouldn't go out on a date with a vanilla girl and think, "You know, she's just not right for me. I don't like her body type, her hair style, her religious beliefs or her politics... But I guess I can get into a relationship with her and change all of that- Mold her into the perfect girlfriend."
But that happens with submissive women all too often. You hear about the requests that their Dominant partners make-
"I'd be happier/more attracted to you if you lost/gained weight for me."
"Your boobs are too small for me, I think you should get breast implants."
"I'm more attracted to blondes so you should change your hair color."
"I'm a republican... You should be one too."
"You dress too modestly, from now on you should shop at Street Walkers R Us."
And you wonder, "Geez... If he was that unhappy with the person she is- Why the hell did he get involved with her in the first place?"
I wonder where this notion comes from that submissive women are not complete people unto themselves, that we're just in some sort of weird stasis waiting for a Dominant to come along and tell us who we should be, what we should want, how we should look, and how we should think- And not only are we waiting for that, but we WANT it as well. We all welcome any change a Dominant might suggest that would make us into his perfect play-toy or partner...
It certainly doesn't come from anything reality-based. I don't think there's a human being alive who hasn't heard the old adage, "You can't change someone unless they want to change." Or who hasn't recognized a similar truth after failing to alter a potential mate in some way- People only change if they want to, they seldom (if ever) make a permanent change because you want them to.
Heck, attempting to change a partner is even a well-known relationship killer in Vanilla Land. You don't become involved with someone hoping that they'll stop being who they are and start being who you want them to be- It didn't work in high school and it doesn't work with adult relationships...
...Except in the Kinkyverse.
Supposedly.
Meh. I know that some people are looking for someone else to help them be the person they want to be- That they're open to being molded by a Dominant partner. It's their kink and they really enjoy that idea.
But most of the submissive women I've spoken to are not cool with that idea. They want a partner who enjoys the person they are, and the idea that their partner doesn't actually like who they are and that he wants them to change is a big turn-off. They think that if the partner wanted something different, then he should have looked for someone who met his needs to begin with; not choosing them with the intention of altering who they are some time down the road.
Long post short- "molding" submissives is more often than not the stuff of bad erotica.
If you want to be able to mold someone, then find a submissive who shares that kink and consents to it.
If you're a submissive who doesn't want to be molded- Then don't change yourself. Change your partner. Somewhere out there, there's a Dominant who will appreciate the person you are and who will think you're perfect as is.
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