What Questions Should I Ask A Potential Dominant?

New submissives often have a list of pressing questions that they feel they need an answer to, and one of the more common questions on that list is: What questions should I ask a potential Dominant?

It's a query that makes a lot of sense. Forming a list of questions that will be pertinent to forming a successful D/s relationship takes a knowledge of D/s that newbies don't often possess. You can think of it like knitting- If you picked up a ball of yarn and knitting needles would you know how to ask someone what the stitches were if you didn't have names for them? It's a bit hard to ask someone what "knit one, purl two" means if you don't know about knitting or purling to begin with.

When you don't know much about D/s or the types of relationships people involved in a D/s dynamic can have, how can you know what questions to ask a potential Dominant? How can you know what you need to know if you don't know what you need to know (and geez, is that confusing or what)?
So, in an attempt to be helpful and take some of the confusion out of vetting a potential Dominant I present you with:

Squeaky's Handy-Dandy Guide To Questions For A Dominant That You Might Not Have Thought To Ask But Might Want To Ask
(In no specific order and with only some semblance of organization)

Relationship Dynamic Questions:

Are you single?
This one might seem like a no-brainer but it's amazing how many submissives meet Mr. Domly Right and later join forums to bemoan how their Dom Charming had a wife at home, a girlfriend in another city, or an entire stable of submissives secreted away much to the new submissive's dismay. If you're not interested in being one of many (or if you are interested and would like to know about the others) it's a good idea to ask.

If you're not single do your other partners know that you're playing outside the relationship?
 There are a multitude of different arrangements people can have when it comes to multiple partners, and most kinksters are cool with those relationships so long as the people involved are honest about it. What isn't cool (unless it's consensual) is cheating because it's dishonest and is likely to hurt the partner who doesn't know about it. The vast majority of kinksters frown upon cheating.

Are you poly/open/a swinger/etc?
Is another good question to ask especially if you're interested in a one-on-one relationship. It's sad how many submissives think they're met Their One only to learn weeks or months down the road that he's not interested in them being his "one." Establishing how many people might be involved in the relationship from the get-go is a good way to avoid heart ache somewhere down the line.

What does poly/open/swinging mean to you?
If you are interested in having multiple partners it can be a good idea to know what that will mean: Is it a two-way street where Dom and sub both get to have multiples or is what's good for the gander not good for the goose? How many other people might be involved? Who much transparency will be needed to make it work? How will you each help protect the other's health and emotional well-being?

What does a D/s relationship look like to you?
This is a very important question to ask because it will define if your relationship styles are compatible- If you want 24/7 micromanagement and he wants bedroom-only kinky fun both of you might be pretty miserable trying to make the other person feel fulfilled in a relationship. Finding out what he wants and if it meshes well with what you want is a good way to avoid that.

What would you expect from me if we were in a relationship and what could I expect from you? Here's another handy question to learn what your roles will be, what your responsibilities might be, and what a relationship with that person might involve. It's also an opportunity for you to define what you would like from your Dominant partner so he will know if he can provide for the things you want in a relationship.

Does he want a Stay-at-Home submissive or a working one?
Do you like your job and would you be unhappy staying at home, or would staying at home caring for your Dom be fulfilling? Is doing the opposite of what you would enjoy be a deal-breaker?

Do you want a punishment dynamic?
Some people function well in a relationship where unwanted actions will have defined consequences, some people do not. If you know what sort of person you are it's good to learn if their ideas about punishments align with yours.

What kinds of punishments will you use?
Some Dominants use corporal punishments, others use corner time or essay writing, and a plethora of dominants will use a wide range of consequences designed to dissuade a submissive from engaging in unwanted behaviors. If you have triggers or if you have issues with any type of punishment then learning if that punishment is something the potential Dominant would use (and if he'd be willing to use something else) could be valuable for you.

Do you enjoy Funishment?
Funsihment, as opposed to punishment, is a form of play where the submissive will often "act" naughty to receive a "punishment" they enjoy: Like licking the Dominant's face to receive a spanking. Some folks enjoy this sort of play and others do not- A mix-match between the two would not be much fun because you might not get the play you want and he might end up punishing you in ways you won't like (or he won't get the play he wants and you'll feel resentful that he wants you to be bad when all you want to be is good).

Lifestyle Questions:

How much experience do you have and what are your areas of expertise?
Do you need an "experienced" dominant or could you be happy with a guy who's just starting out? Would you be willing to help him learn? Does an experienced Dom need to have a willingness to learn and try new things with you?

Will you respect my soft and hard limits?
People have limits for a reason and until they are ready to rethink that limit it should be left alone- Will this dominant respect your limits or is he of the school of thought that says limits are meant to be pushed or disregarded if they're inconvenient to what he wants?

Can he be patient if you run into things that you might want to try or he might want you to try but need time to wrap your head around/become OK with to the extent that you actually can try them?
Or is he going to want to force or coerce you into trying it before you're ready?

Are you a sadist?
An especially important question if you don't happen to be a masochist or have absolutely no interest in any form of pain. Conversely, an important question to ask if you do enjoy pain- Just as not all submissives are masochists, not all dominants are sadists.

Will we go to parties/munches/public dungeons?
Some people are rather private with their kink and relationship, others enjoy the company of similar-minded people. If you're a home-body and he's a social butterfly neither of you might be content in that relationship.

Is it OK if you or I go out alone?
This can be a good compromise to the home-body/social butterfly situation, but it can also raise other questions: Is it OK to play with other while I'm/you're out? How do we interact with others when our partner is not around? Etc.

Will we be entertaining other kinksters in our home/s?
How will those other people be treated? How will I be treated?

How do you expect me to address and act towards other dominants?

Will you share me?
This is a HUGE question. Some people really enjoy the idea of being shared because they like how humiliating it can be or they like the idea that their partner is so thrilled with them that he wants to let others enjoy their mad skills... And some people HATE it. Is this something you need or that you need to avoid? Does he feel the same way?

How much authority will you want to have over me?
What parts of your life does he want final say on? Are you OK with him having the authority to make those decisions?

Will you respect that there may be areas that I do not want you to have authority over?
You can put limits on the areas you will allow a dominant to have authority over- Your job, your kids, your health, financial, and/or legal decisions. Will he respect that you retain your authority over these things?

Kink Questions:

The kinky things we do covers so much ground that it would require pages of questions to help establish if you and your prospective partner are compatible. So what I'm going to do here is cheat and link to one of my favorite toys on the web: The Sex Map-
http://www.humansexmap.com/

"Sex Map?" you say... What this toy is, is an interactive map of a lot of the things folks can get up to sex-wise. You can put virtual pushpins (tried and liked, tried and didn't like, want to try, and fantasy only) in the different "countries" on the map to let another person know what you may or may not be into.

In a way I like this more than I like check-lists, because where check-lists can be comprehensive they're often not very fun. This map can be fun and it can be fun to look at other people's maps (they can be saved and shared).

If you prefer the idea of a check-list this is the one I like to use as it's printable and free and it covers a lot of area- http://www.cepemo.com/checklist.html

But either way, all these lists and virtual toys are is a way to open a line of communication between you and a prospective partner. They're not THE END of the discussion but the beginning.

Vanilla Questions:

Something I often see is folks getting so wrapped up in the possibility of a D/s relationship that they tend to forget that there's often more to a relationship than the D/s alone- As kinky as you are, as into D/s as you might be, vanilla life is still going to intrude and it's still a very large part of a BDSM relationship.

So while you're establishing if Mr. Domly Right is YOUR Domly Right you may want to establish is this guy is someone that you want to be involved with, vanilla-wise.

Does he like cats or dogs?
How does he feel about being boyfriend-girlfriend or marriage?
What are his politics like?
Does he practice any religion?
Where will you spend the holidays?
Does he like to cuddle on the couch?
What are his favorite bands/TV shows/movies/sports?
Who pays the bills?
Does he drink?
How does he feel about calamari?

Finding out if the guy you're thinking about seeing is vanilla compatible is just as important as finding out if the Dom you're thinking of submitting to is kink compatible. The things that you thought were important in a vanilla boyfriend are still going to be important things for a Dominant partner to have because even if the Dom is perfect, if he'd make a shitty boyfriend you're probably not going to be happy in the long run.

Never Too Many Questions:

I tried to make a comprehensive list that would cover a lot of the areas I see new submissives have issues with, but I'd like you to keep in mind that this is definitely not the be-all end-all when it comes to questions YOU might want to ask a potential Dominant, just a starting place to get you thinking about what is important to you in a relationship, what you need to be happy, and what you might want from the Dom o' Your Dreams.

If you have any questions that you feel are important to have answered- Then by all means ask them. If you want to know if he likes to play naked twister with other folks, or if he enjoys horseback riding in the fall, or if meeting each other's parents might be in the cards some day... Then ask those things. This is your relationship after all and the things that are important to you are the things you should be talking about.