A Little Bit About Dominance (and by little but, I do mean little bit)
Because this is a blog about submission and submissives and not Dominants I didn't want to write an extensive novella on the subject of Dominance, but I did want to include a small part on Dominance as Dominants are our counterparts. They're the Big D to our little s, the other side of the slash, the yin to our yang (or vice versa), so on and so forth... The point is, without a Dominant partner to submit to it's a bit difficult to submit at all. Unless you have a cat, those little buggers are more bossy and evil than any man I've ever run across.
This blog is horribly generalized and overly-simplified because its' purpose is to just give you a bit of understanding about Dominance and the roles Dominants play in our lives. If you'd like to learn more about Dominance I highly suggest the book "The Loving Dominant" by John Warren. It's very informative and even quite amusing at times.
That having been said, I'll get to the point- What is a Dominant?
A Dominant is a person who likes having some amount of authority over another person, namely a submissive.
Are there different types of dominants?
Indeed. Just as not all submissives will fit into the same mold and each will have a somewhat unique style of submission, Dominants also express themselves and their desires in different ways.
Dominance can range from a guy who just likes to have control over what happens in the bedroom to a guy who would absolutely love to micromanage every breath you took. And in between either end of the spectrum are as many Dominance styles as there are grains of sand on a beach.
Are there Dominance styles that occur more often than others in D/s?
Yes there are, although even within the more common styles there is a lot of room for individuality and often a Dominant will practice more than just one style. For example you might find a Daddy Dom with a Sadistic streak.
A Top is the counterpart to a bottom. While the bottom is the person who has stuff done to them, a Top is the person who does things to others. Tops don't necessarily need an Authority Transfer dynamic to find fulfillment in a relationship as they're generally not all that interested in having authority over another, they just like the "doing" part of things. And to do to another all one needs is a willing partner, not a submissive one.
There are a few different takes on what makes a Daddy Dom a Daddy Dom. Some people see Daddy Doms as a nurturer, a sort of caring fatherly figure who guides their submissive much as a real father might care for his child. The caring aspect makes this Dominant popular with certain submissives, though it tends to annoy others as they don't want the fatherly guidance aspect of the role (I admit to being one of the those submissives, I'm an adult and I don't especially want to be treated like a child). Some Daddy Doms partake in Age Play with a "little" but this doesn't make them pedophiles as some alarmists like to proclaim. They're well aware that they're in a relationship with an adult, it's just that that adult doesn't want to act their age all the time.
Now, are you old enough to remember "The Softer Side Of Sears" commercials? I am, and although this dates me terribly (No, honest! I'm still a sweet, young thing!) it's the comparison that springs to mind for what I think of as a "regular" Dominant and a Sensual Dominant. If Regular Dom is all about the tools (often ouchy kinds of tools) then Sensual Dom is all about the softer side of things.
For a Sensual Dominant the play experience is all about sweet sensations. The whisper of silk, the sweet tickle of feathers, skin on skin, and perhaps the luxurious feel of velvety fur. The Sensual Dominant is still very much in charge of things, and still enjoys some Authority Transfer, he just prefers sensual play to painful play. The sensual Dominant is my preference as I'm not much of a masochist, I like a little pain sometimes, but nothing heavy or overly harsh.
Regular Dom can be sweet, he can be harsh, he's in charge and he likes it. He might make you grovel and beat your ass or he might give you cuddles and play with the tools from the Sensual Dom's toy box. He's a man of many skills and probably knows something that could keep an adventurous submissive thrilled and on her toes. Regular Dom is probably the most common style of Dominance out there because he does, and can do, so many things and be so many things. He can be sensual, a sadistic bastard, or anything in between.
A Sadistic Dominant is one who gets most, if not all of their pleasure from inflicting pain on another. If it hurts you (and probably hurts you quite a bit) he's probably going to love it. Sadists are the Dominants most often portrayed in movies, TV shows, and other media because what they do is so shocking to the general public. Sadly, these gentlemen (note: I DID NOT say "gentle men") who are so often portrayed as the villain are usually just your average guy when they're not beating someone black and blue. They're good husbands, loving fathers, and friends. They have a bad rap and it's stupid when you think about it- Sadists beat Masochists, and Masochists LOVE it. Regardless, if pain isn't your cup of tea you might want to steer clear of the sadists (unless you're feeling adventurous and willing to see if maybe pain does do something for you).
Finally, a slave cannot be a slave without someone to master them (well, I suppose they could but they might want to invest in six or seven cats to really step up the cat bossiness factor). This is where I introduce you to The Master. As far as I know Masters don't have stereotypes, they're always just seen as a Master. Their styles of mastery are more than likely highly dependent on the individual and their dynamic. Also, the title "Master" is not just reserved for the masterly sort, plenty of submissives use it in regards to their Dominant.
You're probably noticing how I said "finally" when I was talking about Masters but there's still another *ahem* "person" left on the list. How can that be? I'll explain, the gentlemen I wrote about above this, they're Dominants. They practice consensual dynamics where their submissives or slaves are safe, fulfilled, and secure. The guy below... Well, read on to learn more...
THE ABUSIVE "DOM" (Warning! Alert! Awoooga!)This worthless piece of flotsam in the gene pool gets GREAT BIG scary black letters because this is something that you have to be aware of. This guy is in no way, shape, or form a Dominant. Dominants practice CONSENSUAL dynamics and play. These guys do not. Plain and simple they are abusive predators who use this lifestyle as an excuse for their inexcusable behavior. They are bad fucking news.
The abuser will take anybody for a ride but they often prey on new, naïve, starry-eyed submissives who haven't taken the time to educate themselves about what is and is not acceptable in this life. These are the guys who will punch you in the eye, break your bones, rape you (not rape play, REAL rape), clean out your bank account, and generally ruin your life. They might even end up taking your life.
While they're doing this they'll tell you that "of course this is normal in a D/s relationship, they're the dom and they get to do whatever they want, right?" They'll say that you're not a "real" or "true" submissive if you question their actions. If you express a desire to leave they'll claim that they can't and that "contract" you signed is legally binding and you HAVE to stay, or else...
There are abusers in the community and you need to be aware of this fact.
They use titles like Dom or Master to dupe the gullible into falling for their shtick and as an excuse for their violence ("It's OK that I threw you down the stairs and broke your collar bone. I'm your Dom!")
So when does dominance become abuse?
Lets get something straight, dominance should never be abusive. Dominance is part of a consensual arrangement between two adults, abuse is not.
The relationship stops being consensual as soon as you don't consent to something that is being done to you and they don't stop. I'm not talking an accident, you have to safe word twice because your Dom is off in Happy Dommy Land and didn't hear you... I'm talking about serious "NO! I DO NOT CONSENT TO THIS! STOP NOW!" business that is ignored. As soon as you withdraw that consent it stops being anything resembling D/s and starts being abuse and you need to get the hell out of there. It stops being D/s and turns into abuse when you no longer feel safe and fulfilled in your relationship.
Now this isn't a blog on domestic violence, there are plenty of those out there, and a good many of them will also apply to a relationship with a D/s dynamic. If you're ever in doubt about your relationship being D/s or abuse there will ALWAYS be someone to answer your questions on fetlife.com or bdsmfriendbook.com (those are nice sites filled with some good people) If you feel that your life is in danger PLEASE GET OUT NOW!
PLEASE.
If you need help please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or dial 911.
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