There's a lot of talk out there in the Kinkyverse about the precations a submissive should take when she (or he) is meeting a potential dominant for the first time. And while I agree that it's smart to take some precations, quite a bit of the advice that I read makes it sound like the submissive is engaged in an espionage mission, not meeting a guy for coffee.
I often wonder if people get so caught up in the fantasy of BDSM that they forget most Doms are just regular guys who are looking for the same thing a submissive is- A compatible partner. A dominant guy isn't any more or less likely to do something rotten to you than a vanilla guy is... Well, by "rotten" I mean the bad shit that can happen when you meet a stranger for the first time- Not the consensual play that may come later.
So how do you meet a potential dominant safely while not acting so paranoid that you'd put an entire pack of conspiracy theorists to shame?
Meet Somewhere Public
The most common advice, for a vanilla or BDSM Meet-n-Greet, is to rendezvous at a public place where you won't be alone. It's also sometimes a good idea to meet at a time when it's easy to limit the amount of time you'll have to spend with him- Coffee at 3pm means that if things are not going well you can leave for "dinner with a friend"... Or if things go really well you can share a meal and continue to get to know one another.
A restraunt, Coffee Bar, Book Store, local Mall, or well-trafficked park (NOT the secluded nature trails!) are all pleasant locations to meet a new person.
Arrange for a "Safe Call" or arrange to call a friend.
Some people arrange for a Safe Call, which is just a BDSMy way of saying that you want a buddy to call you occasionally during the Meet-n-Greet to see how things are going. You can pre-determine when the calls will happen- "Call me half-way through the meet and again when it should be ending," or you can request that your friend call you when they feel like it. If your friend is a worrier it's nice to call them once you're safe at home so they don't wear a rut in ther floor while pacing and wondering if you're stuffed in a trunk somewhere.
There is something to remember about a Safe Call- It's not gaurnteed to keep you safe. A safe call will not prevent a bad guy from doing something bad to you, and it will not deter someone from doing something bad to you if they have their evil little heart set on that course of action. Safe Calls are only a precationary measure, not the be-all, end-all of safety.
For myself, when I was doing the Internet Dating Thing, I told a friend where I was going, when I expected to be home, and I gave them a call when I got home. All of my Meet-n-Greets happened at public locations and we would exchange first names and cell phone numbers before hand. That was it, and I'm still alive. I never had a problem with a guy I was meeting (well, beyond one guy showing up and being about 100lbs heavier than his profile picture depicted him).
Should I play on a first meet?
Quite a few people caution against playing on a first meet as well, which makes sense (even if it's not at all hawt). How can you see to your own safety if you allow someone to restrain you? It's rather difficult to leave if thigs start going badly when you're tied spread-eagle to a bed, and no amount of safe calls can stop a Bad Thing from happening once you're in that position.
That's not to say something bad will happen, people have played on first meets and have suffered no damage from the experience. If you play or not is entirely up to you (NOT the Dom you're meeting), and you're the only person who can decide if playing on your first meet is something you can accomplish safely.
Are there any other safety measures I can take?
Other common precautions people take on first meets are the same precations most of us learned in Kindergarten: Don't take candy from strangers, don't go anywhere with a stranger or into a stranger's house, Don't get into a stranger's car, and Don't let a stranger put thier hands on you. Simple things that work in Kindergarten can also work well for adults.
Paranoia Vs. Common Sense:
Now earlier in this blog I mentioned safety precations that seemed as if they belonged in an espionage mission- Some folks insist on these precautions and will refuse to meet anybody who doesn't comply. Personally I think they're a bit over-board, not any more likely to ensure your safety, and rather unfair... All of the submissives I've read about who request this information do not reciprocate (because, you know, submissive women are never dangerous predators).
First AND last names.
Cell, Home, and Work phone numbers.
Home address and work address.
Photos of driver's licenses and/or work IDs.
License plate number, make, model, and year of the potential Dom's car...
As I said it seems a bit unfair. If you wouldn't feel comfortable giving someone who is essentially a stranger this information, why should they feel comfortable giving it to you? They're just as likely as you are to have a life to protect, children to protect, and acquiring a stalker probably isn't all that high on their list of priorities.
Beyond that- Just use your common sense and listen to the little voice that tends to pipe up when something is iffy. Your instincts are rarely wrong, so if your gut tells you to cut and run it's probably a good idea to listen to it. Safety precations will only go so far to help keep you safe, the rest is up to you.
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