Topping From The Bottom BS

What is Topping From The Bottom (TFTB)?
Strangely enough, as much as the phrase is talked about and tossed about, I don't actually think there's a general consensus on what TFTB actually is.

The BDSM Glossary on Fetlife (an excellent resource for definitions and the like, BTW) states that topping from the bottom is-
"A submissive or bottom who attempts to manipulate the Top, in an attempt to gain attention or to have her own needs met; for example, intentionally misbehaving to draw punishment."

The example they give is an s-type who purposefully behaves badly in order to get some kinky play; more often than not Funishment: "Tee-hee, I'll do this naughty that bothers my Domly and he'll spank my bum! Yay!"

Why is Topping From The Bottom "bad"?
Quite a few of the people who jump on the TFTB bandwagon give two main reasons why it's an undesirable thing in a relationship:
1. It's manipulative and usually involves some sort of subterfuge or negative behavior which generally isn't healthy for a relationship.
2. It's an attempt to usurp the D-type's authority- Authority that in all likelihood the person topping from the bottom has agreed to.

What's with the "BS" at the end of the title?
Noticed that, did you? That's me calling "Bull Shit" on the entire notion of Topping From The Bottom.
Why? Because as unhealthy as manipulation is, and as counter-productive as usurping your Domly's authority in a relationship can be, I think that calling those things TFTB and leaving it at that is even more unhealthy.

A lot of new s-types and D-types come to BDSM with a notion that it's "all about the Dom" and that the s-type doesn't have, or shouldn't expect, the right to have her wants and needs met in a relationship. There's this "suffer in silence" message that gets sent out and people pick up on that... So when you tell someone "You can't ask for what you want" or "An s-type shouldn't ask for what she wants", that removes the option for healthy communication and only leaves manipulation as a means of getting those needs met.

Throwing the TFTB flag on the filed of play just reinforces that concept- Think about it. How many times have you seen a newbie say something like:
"If I ask my Dom to tie me up, is that TFTB?"
"I told my Dom that I really don't like anal, it hurts. Was I topping from the bottom?"
"When I asked my Dom if we could cuddle because I had a bad day and wasn't feeling up to playing he said I was topping from the bottom..."
"I asked my Dominant if he was good with money because he wants me to turn my paychecks over to him... He told me that questioning him was topping from the bottom?"

Then there's the flip side of the coin- How many Dominants use Topping From The Bottom as an excuse to shut down a submissive's reasonable requests, questions, or concerns because they threaten the Dom's idea of power and control? That seems pretty manipulative and unhealthy to me.

And, if you want to expand on all of that, you can think about the fact that there's no dearth of people who have mounted up on their high horses and are thrilled to sling TFTB arrows at other people's relationships- Something they have no right to do (but that fact doesn't tend to stop them). Those folks will gleefully ride into a conversation where a submissive has asked a question about TFTB and will proclaim, "Yes! You're topping from the bottom! You're not a real submissive. Obey your Dom or go back to vanilla suburbia you faker!"

Not exactly helpful, are they?

So what is the point of all this then, if TFTB doesn't have a definite definition and it's so misunderstood?
The point is that TFTB doesn't have a definite definition and it's often misunderstood and misused.

Communication is one of the most talked about things in the Kinkyverse, and TFTB is often used as a tool to shut down communication or to make someone feel like they're doing "it" wrong. It's also a label that fails to take into consideration that in some relationships a bit of playful naughtiness on the submissive's part is a welcome thing (when it's an agreed-upon part of the dynamic).

I'm confused!
So am I, you get used to it eventually.

Maybe instead of trying to say what Topping From The Bottom is it would be easier to point out what it isn't.

• Reasonable requests are not TFTB.
• Honest communication, asking for clarification, and attempts to learn more about BDSM and your relationship dynamic are not TFTB.
• Requests that involve your safety, health, and mental well-being are not TFTB.
• Communicating a need or want that is not being met is not TFTB.

Of course, relationships and the people in the differ, but I think it's pretty safe to say that honest attempts at communication are not Topping From The Bottom and any D-type worth his salt won't try to shut down honest communication with a TFTB excuse.