And now, just when you thought I couldn't possibly write anything more about how important it is to enable you to play safely... Another blog on everybody's favorite topic, more safety! In this part we're going to discuss safe words, you and I. Why? Because they're damn important sometimes.
So, what are these "safe words" I'm babbling on and on about (and will continue to babble on and on about)?
Safe words are a set of, or a single word that people use to indicate that a play session is either not going well for some reason (Ow! I have a cramp in my left ventricle!) or needs to be stopped all-together and right away. Safe words are a great idea if you're into play where you might end up saying "Don't!" or "Stop!" as part of the action (think: ou're the princess and an evil, yet incredibly handsome ruffian is having his way with you), but you really don't want your partner to listen to those words that are coming out of your head and stop the fun.
Often times safe words are just asafety net and odds are good you might never need to use them. They're like the seatbelt in your car or a rip-cord on a parachute- Good to have around but something you hope you never need. They can be especially nice to have if you have a partner who is new to you and doesn't understand how you react to certain stimulii or cannot yet read your reactions or tone of voice. Misunderstandings happen, safe words can reduce the possibility of them happening.
One of the most commonly used set of safe words is the Traffic Signal System. They're super-easy to remember, so easy to understand that even a small child can "get" them (Seriously, who doesn't know what the colors of a traffic signal mean?) and they're recognized by just about anybody who might be at a kinky party, function, or club.
Green = Go!
Yellow = Slow down (or I don't want to stop but something is wrong and needs to be fixed)
Red = STOP!
Other people like to choose to use safe words that are unique to their relationship. Cookie and I have "chicken nipple" as our safe word (It's a loooong story, you don't want to know). It's not something that I would usually say during play so he knows that if he hears it something is wrong and he needs to pay attention to me. I've heard of folks who use IceCream, Butter, Tulip, and Rhinocerous. You can choose any word you like, just make sure that it's not so silly that you won't remember it if you need it.
An important thing to remember about safe words is that they are not the be-all, end-all for safety during play. Many people feel that safe words come with their own set of problems or might give someone who relies on them a false sense of security. So in regards to safe words and your journey it's going to be up to you and your partner to determine what will work best in your relationship dynamic.
Do I need a safe word?
That is entirely dependant on you and what you're comfortable with and how you play. If you never do anything that could be termed risky (plenty of submissives don't, we're not all into whips and canes and sharp-pointy impliments of pain) or anything where you want to shout "No!" or "Stop!" without stopping the play you could probably do without, plenty of people don't have safe words.
What if I can't talk?
There might come a time when you think you want to have a safeword but for some reason speach isn't posible (duct tape, scarves, cock... Lots of things can impede your ability to speak). So what do you do then? You can use a signal, like kicking your right leg or clapping your hands, or in the instance of the last example biting (but I wouldn't recommend it). You can snap your fingers, or you can hold a bell in your hand and drop it if you need play to stop.
Will everybody respect my safe word?
The sad fact of the matter is that no, not every dominant will respect your safe word, and that's why it's important to know that the person you're playing with will listen to you and act accordingly if you need them to.
When do I use my safe word?
You use your safe word when you feel it's necessary, if you are in trouble, if you're hurt badly, if you cannot take "it" (whatever it might be) any more, then you safe word.
If your arm is falling asleep and it's annoyingly pins-and-needles and you need a tie moved or to move to a different position you might use "yellow" or whatever your equivilant of yellow might be.
If you can't breathe or you need the action to totally stop for whatever reason you would obviously use the word that means STOP! HELP! so that your partner can assist you.
Does it mean that I've failed my Dominant/patner if I safe word?
No! I don't want you to to ever think that safe wording equals failure because IT DOESN'T!
Using your safe word is never a "failure" by any stretch of the imagination. Your dominant might really be enjoying (really, really enjoying) what he's doing to you at the time you need to use your safe word, but he's enjoying it because he thinks that everything is OK on your end of the action. No Dominant worth his weight in nipple clamps is going to enjoy knowing that you needed to safeword but you didn't and so he ended up hurting you in a bad way (as opposed to hurting you in a good way).
You should never feel bad because you needed to stop a session or have someting in a scene altered, sometimes things go wrong and it's really good to be able to help your dominant make them right so that you can both enjoy yourselves fully.
Why not just communicate? Why all this hullabaloo about safe words?
Communication is a wonderful tool, and a very important one when it comes to D/s. There are couples who can "just communicate" by stating exactly what's wrong and what needs to be fixed. It is a lot easier for some to say "My leg is falling asleep, I need to move it." than to shout out a color or a word they might have picked months ago. Some couples get to the point that they know each other so well that the dominant partner can tell the difference between a real "stop" and a "stop but don't stop because I'm enjoying this".
In the end it's really about how you feel the most comfortable and how you feel safest.
Can safe words be abused?
Yes, it is possible to abuse safe words.
Have you ever read the story about the boy who cried wolf? The damn kid kept yelling "Wolf, wolf!" just to get people's attention. After a while they got sick of his antics, stopped listening to his yowling, and he get eaten. The same thing can happen to you if you abuse your safe words. Ok, the odds of you getting turned into someone's dinner is probably pretty low, but you get the point. I hope.
What about sub space and safe words?
Personally, I would suggest that if you're the type of person who reaches sub space then you might not want to play with anybody who doesn't know you extremely well. Some people who are in sub space become incoherent and lose the ability to speak or think clearly about what's happening to them. That is not a safe place to be if you suddenly need help and the person who's playing with you while you're in that state cannot read your body's signals.
What if I panic and I don't remember to use my safe word?
Panic is another good reason to play with people you're familiar with and who are familiar with you. In the event that you panic you might need someone who can tell right away that you're not writing in pleasure, but fear and anxiety.
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