"If the bottom feels consent was violated, then consent was violated."
That's the atmosphere of consent in the Kinkyverse lately, an all or nothing stance that makes consent violations into a black and white issue- If you feel that your consent was violated, then it was, and there's no room for interpretation. Your feelings are fact.
Now, I really don't want to negate anybody's feelings or cast doubt on their validity. It's not my place to do that because you feel what you feel and I certainly wouldn't want someone to say to me that I didn't have a right to my feelings. That would be pretty shitty. I wanted to point that out before I continued- Casting aspirations on someone else's feeling is not the point of this bloggy thing, at all.
The point is what happens with those feelings, why someone may have them, and what to do about it.
I think that for most people there has been a time when a scene (or plain old vanilla sex) just hasn't gone well. I can distinctly recall a time when my ex husband and I were going at it and all of a sudden it felt a lot more like rape than consensual sex. It felt like I didn't matter and he was just using me, despite the fact that I'd consented to what we were doing before hand... It felt really, really horrible and I had the feeling that somehow I had been violated. My consent had been violated.
I've never mentioned that to anybody before this, and I only bring it up to illustrate a point. I understand how consent violations can happen, even with someone you care for and who cares for you- Which in a way I think makes it worse, because you trust them not to harm you. It's not like playing with someone you just met where you kind of expect that something could go wrong. It comes out of the blue. Just out of nowhere and you're not prepared for it, at all.
So when people write about consent violations and tarring and feathering the guilty party, that one night is what I think of and why I'm so opposed to the idea that because I felt my consent had been violated, it was... Because it wasn't. I may have felt that way, but that did not mean that a violation of my consent was a FACT.
I may have felt that way, but I didn't tell my then-fiancé. I didn't tell him during (I don't know why, if I had he would have stopped and would have understood), I didn't tell him after. He had no reasonable way of knowing that I felt icky.
Consent Violations are not a black and white thing when it comes to consensual kink.
Black and white is saying "NO" or "STOP" or using a safeword/gesture/signal and they keep going.
The rest? It's all shades of grey.
Treating a feeling like a fact doesn't do anybody any favors. It creates a atmosphere of victimhood and Partner Blaming. It negates personal responsibility for your own well-being and places the brunt of that burden on your partner- Even if that partner was doing everything they could to keep you safe.
So what do you do when the grey area of consent violations happens?
Personally, I think it's important to look at the "why."
As in: Why did it happen?
There's always a why.
Perhaps limits were not expressed clearly enough.
Perhaps negotiations were a bit hurried in the excitement to get to the good stuff.
Perhaps there was a failure to communicate during play.
Perhaps a trigger was tripped that you didn't know about until it happened.
Perhaps it was something totally unforeseen, irrational, and it might not happen again in a million years...
But finding that why is (to me) the most important thing you can do for yourself and your partner. It can help put feelings into a problem solving context (Yes, I feel bad, but now I know how to avoid this feeling in the future) where finding a solution goes a long way in helping manage those feelings. Instead of being the helpless "victim" of a kinky snafu you are an active participant, which is kind of empowering.
Looking for the why is also extremely important for communication. If something bad has happened and you know (or have an idea) of why it happened, that will lead to a much more productive conversation with your partner.
"I feel my consent was violated" is really rather vague and odds are good, as seriously as consent is taken in the Kinkyverse, it's going to put your partner on the defensive or leave them feeling guilty for something that may not have been able to prevent or foresee. It's not constructive.
"I feel my consent was violated because X, I would like your help to keep it from happening again. What can we do?" gives them the chance to help solve the issue and become an active participant as well. It doesn't cast blame, it's just a feeling and a request for their help in finding a resolution.
I do not think it's at all beneficial to take that feeling and use it as a finger-pointing blame tool. It may feel good for a while to tell everybody within earshot or on your friend list that So-and-so violated your consent... But there's a good chance that will come around to bite you in the ass, especially if there was something you could have done to prevent things from having gone wrong in a consensual scene, but didn't.
"So-and-so violated my consent! I feel violated! He beat me with a rubber chicken!" is going to sound a bit like you can't take responsibility for yourself when So-and-so responds, "MissX never used her safeword or told me something was wrong during the scene. How can anybody trust her to be a responsible bottom if she can't communicate?"
Yeah. Not so good. Probably a better bet to talk to the Top Type first before starting a witch hunt.
Anyways, I fear I've gone off on a tangent. I was talking about consent violations and how feeling violated doesn't equate to being violated... It's an important distinction to make and figure out when it happens, and the only way to figure it out is to look at what happened, why it happened, and how to prevent it from happening in the future.
I think more conversations need to recognize that while a person's feelings may have been violated, that doesn't always mean that the other party willfully and knowingly violated consent and that there has to be an immediate witch hunt or public burning at the stake. fact and feeling are not the same thing, and treating them as if they are is a horrible thing. Feelings can be validated without blame being cast, and communication with the other party involved should happen before that person is cast as the villain.
As always, YMMV.
But seriously, this a conversation more people need to be having because there is an element of personal responsibility that is not being taken into account when someone who feels like their consent has been violated is cast as an automatic victim... Partner Blaming is just as bad as Victim Blaming.
Friday, March 28, 2014
PRICK- Personal Responsibility In Consensual Kink
There are a few acronyms floating around that make up what can loosely be quantified as the ethical compass for BDSM.
There's SSC (safe, sane, consensual) that is often one of the first acronyms discovered by a newbie because it's discussed so often. I, personally, don't care for it because often what we do has some risk so safety is not guaranteed, and it may not seem all that sane.
The next acronym to be discovered is often RACK (risk aware consensual kink). I like this one much better because it implies that there is risk involved in a lot of the things we do and the person doing them should be aware of those risks before consenting to play.
And then there's PRICK (personal responsibility in consensual kink).
PRICK popped up on my radar a few years ago though it's probably been in use long before it caught on enough to show up in the forums of the Kinkyverse. It's not really in the same league as the first two acronyms and doesn't get as many mentions, but it is by far my favorite.
Why? Because as often as I harp on about personal responsibility it's nice to see that someone has made it into an acronym in order to get the message out there. Personal responsibility has become such a big deal that it's being talked about more often and being added to the acronym list gives it the weight that it deserves. It's becoming part of the ethical compass of kink and that's cool.
But what is it?
What PRICK means is that you are responsible for yourself in consensual kink. Your safety, your feelings, your general well-being are your responsibility.
It means that your default setting shouldn't be to expect your partner/Top/Dominant/Master/etc to take care of those things for you, because while it's a nice fantasy that the infallible Top-Type person will inherently know if you're in trouble, will always keep you safe, and will never-ever do anything to harm you emotionally or physically- it happens. Accidents happen, bad people happen, and PRICK points out (sorry, bad pun) that it is your responsibility to ensure to the best of your ability that it doesn't happen.
It means that if something is happening or about to happen or has happened that you are not OK with, that you'll speak up (or signal, if speaking isn't an option) and let your partner know because you are responsible for yourself.
It means that if something bad happens (Dog forbid) because of a communication snafu or bad luck accident, you won't automatically blame the Top Type Person (or the s-type, this does go two ways after all). You'll hopefully ask yourself, "Self, was there anything I could have done that might have contributed to this situation?" before pinning the guilt all on your partner in play.
It means, in a nut shell, that you are an adult, responsible person capable of looking out for yourself, whatever side of the slash you fall on.
It's an awfully neat acronym.
And about the only time you can say, "I'm a prick!" and feel good about it.
Disclaimer: YMMV. This is how I interpret these acronyms and my thoughts should not be taken as The One True Way, because they're not.
There's SSC (safe, sane, consensual) that is often one of the first acronyms discovered by a newbie because it's discussed so often. I, personally, don't care for it because often what we do has some risk so safety is not guaranteed, and it may not seem all that sane.
The next acronym to be discovered is often RACK (risk aware consensual kink). I like this one much better because it implies that there is risk involved in a lot of the things we do and the person doing them should be aware of those risks before consenting to play.
And then there's PRICK (personal responsibility in consensual kink).
PRICK popped up on my radar a few years ago though it's probably been in use long before it caught on enough to show up in the forums of the Kinkyverse. It's not really in the same league as the first two acronyms and doesn't get as many mentions, but it is by far my favorite.
Why? Because as often as I harp on about personal responsibility it's nice to see that someone has made it into an acronym in order to get the message out there. Personal responsibility has become such a big deal that it's being talked about more often and being added to the acronym list gives it the weight that it deserves. It's becoming part of the ethical compass of kink and that's cool.
But what is it?
What PRICK means is that you are responsible for yourself in consensual kink. Your safety, your feelings, your general well-being are your responsibility.
It means that your default setting shouldn't be to expect your partner/Top/Dominant/Master/etc to take care of those things for you, because while it's a nice fantasy that the infallible Top-Type person will inherently know if you're in trouble, will always keep you safe, and will never-ever do anything to harm you emotionally or physically- it happens. Accidents happen, bad people happen, and PRICK points out (sorry, bad pun) that it is your responsibility to ensure to the best of your ability that it doesn't happen.
It means that if something is happening or about to happen or has happened that you are not OK with, that you'll speak up (or signal, if speaking isn't an option) and let your partner know because you are responsible for yourself.
It means that if something bad happens (Dog forbid) because of a communication snafu or bad luck accident, you won't automatically blame the Top Type Person (or the s-type, this does go two ways after all). You'll hopefully ask yourself, "Self, was there anything I could have done that might have contributed to this situation?" before pinning the guilt all on your partner in play.
It means, in a nut shell, that you are an adult, responsible person capable of looking out for yourself, whatever side of the slash you fall on.
It's an awfully neat acronym.
And about the only time you can say, "I'm a prick!" and feel good about it.
Disclaimer: YMMV. This is how I interpret these acronyms and my thoughts should not be taken as The One True Way, because they're not.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Munch Madness.
Is March Madness still a thing?
I remember hearing about it all the time when I had cable (it has something to do with college hoops, right?) but since I don't have cable any more I'm a bit out of the loop. Anyways, I've been hearing a lot about Munches on the interwebs lately and seeing that it's March I thought I'd take a crack at being witty. Ha ha!
Yeah...
Anyways, munches.
One of the most common forms of advise given to newbies who are looking to meet real life people is to attend a local munch. It's sound advice, a munch is usually a pretty low-stress, laid-back event where you can indeed meet other real life kinksters to make new friends.
But often when the advice is offered "Go to a munch" is all that's offered, and that's a bit lacking for the newbies who may not have ever heard about a munch before. So...
What is a Munch?
A munch is an event held for local kinksters at a vanilla venue, usually a diner or restaurant. Some munches are held in locations with a private room so the attendees can have some privacy, others are held in the main dining area.
What happens at a Munch?
People socialize.
Because a munch is held in a vanilla venue there is no play or overt kinky activity.
At muches where the event is held in a private room or area people may feel more comfortable expressing their dynamics, you might hear s-types use titles for their partners that they may not use if seated with the restaurant's vanilla patrons.
There might be a topic of conversation; some munch leaders like to introduce specific things for the group to discuss.
Odds are good that a few folks will eat dinner.
How do people act at a Munch?
They act like people getting together for dinner and conversation.
Munches are a No-Protocol event because of their location. Couples may use their own public protocol if they have any, but new people and people attending solo are not expected to act in a certain kinky way: S-types do not have to use titles for D-types, D-types do not boss around random submissives.
How people act at a munch is very similar to how they'd act if they were going out with vanilla friends.
What should I wear to a Munch?
Most munches have a vanilla dress code because they're held at vanilla venues, so you'd wear the same outfit you'd pick to go out to eat with your Grandma or your vanilla best friend at that establishment.
What doesn't happen at a Munch?
Overtly kinky activity.
Nobody at a munch is going to break out a flogger and start beating someone with it. The s-types are not going to be groveling on the floor, nobody is going to kneel to anybody else, in short- Nothing will happen that might make the vanilla folks nervous if they saw it.
Kinky activity may happen later in the evening, but if that sort of play is planned it will be at a kink-friendly location or perhaps someone's home. You are not obligated to attend unless you want to. Sometimes those vents are invitation only, or only include munch attendees who have been to X amount of munches (because the group may want to get to know you before including you in play events).
How do I find a munch?
If you're on Fetlife click: Places
Find your state (for me that's Michigan)
That will open a page with events in your state, groups related to your state, and a listing of cities in your state.
When I click on my city I get a listing for groups related to my city and the pages for a few local munches.
Alternatively, you can use the MALL Directory to see what events are listed in your area:
http://findamunch.com/
I haven't used it, but it seems fairly easy to navigate from the look I just had.
How do I know what Munch is right for me?
There are a few different kinds of munches so it may take some exploring to find the group that suits you best.
In cities large enough to support multiple munches there may be a TNG Munch (generally for folks under 35), a Submissive's or Dominant's Only Munch, a Munch for the older generations, a General Munch... Group Specific Munches are great because they can focus more on the things that interest that group, or they can provide you with an opportunity to meet people who share your interests.
What if I'm shy?
I'll let you in on a little secret- Despite my verbosity on here and on Fet, I'm painfully shy. Social Anxiety is something I'm very familiar with. So walking into a much alone (Cookie was working) for the first time was pretty difficult. So I do have some helpful tips for dealing with shyness:
Get to know your much group/s online first. Introduce yourself, get involved in conversations, and if you're really concerned about not knowing anybody send the Munch Leader a message. You won't be the first person to do this, and if your munch leader is aware that you're new and nervous they can make sure that other members know to be especially friendly to the new person. They want you to have a good time so that you'll come back.
Something else to seriously consider- All of the people at the munch were new there at some point, too. They all know what it's like to be the person who walks into a room full of strangers so most (if not all) of them are going to make a point to introduce themselves to you and put you at ease. Many of them will try to include you in their conversations. Of course you'll need to make an effort as well, but if you can't think of something to say, smiling and nodding to show you're paying attention and you are involved works wonders.
I'm a submissive and I'm worried about some random D-type getting bossy...
I'm not going to lie, random D-types will show up at munches looking for "fresh meat" or to "score." It happens.
When it does, it's perfectly OK to say, "I'm not interested" and move on. If the random D-type doesn't take that rather obvious hint to get lost and keeps bothering you, most of the people in the room will respond if you tell them you need help ditching a D-type who isn't getting the message.
And honestly, that's all some random D-type can do at a munch- Be a pest. It might be annoying, but it's not really something to be worried about. They can't actually make you do anything that you don't want to do.
I'm a D-type, what should I expect?
The same thing your submissive counterpart can expect- Good food, good conversation, and hopefully some new friends. If all goes well you'll be treated with the same common courtesy that every human being deserves.
Will I meet my One True Love at a Munch?
Anything is possible.
People have met their significant other at a munch, but munches are less "Meat Market" and more "Meet Market". It is possible to meet the D or s-type of your dreams at a munch, but generally it takes time (much like anywhere else), and if you're looking to hook-up or have a nice little one night stand? That can also happen, but it's not something I would bank on.
I remember hearing about it all the time when I had cable (it has something to do with college hoops, right?) but since I don't have cable any more I'm a bit out of the loop. Anyways, I've been hearing a lot about Munches on the interwebs lately and seeing that it's March I thought I'd take a crack at being witty. Ha ha!
Yeah...
Anyways, munches.
One of the most common forms of advise given to newbies who are looking to meet real life people is to attend a local munch. It's sound advice, a munch is usually a pretty low-stress, laid-back event where you can indeed meet other real life kinksters to make new friends.
But often when the advice is offered "Go to a munch" is all that's offered, and that's a bit lacking for the newbies who may not have ever heard about a munch before. So...
What is a Munch?
A munch is an event held for local kinksters at a vanilla venue, usually a diner or restaurant. Some munches are held in locations with a private room so the attendees can have some privacy, others are held in the main dining area.
What happens at a Munch?
People socialize.
Because a munch is held in a vanilla venue there is no play or overt kinky activity.
At muches where the event is held in a private room or area people may feel more comfortable expressing their dynamics, you might hear s-types use titles for their partners that they may not use if seated with the restaurant's vanilla patrons.
There might be a topic of conversation; some munch leaders like to introduce specific things for the group to discuss.
Odds are good that a few folks will eat dinner.
How do people act at a Munch?
They act like people getting together for dinner and conversation.
Munches are a No-Protocol event because of their location. Couples may use their own public protocol if they have any, but new people and people attending solo are not expected to act in a certain kinky way: S-types do not have to use titles for D-types, D-types do not boss around random submissives.
How people act at a munch is very similar to how they'd act if they were going out with vanilla friends.
What should I wear to a Munch?
Most munches have a vanilla dress code because they're held at vanilla venues, so you'd wear the same outfit you'd pick to go out to eat with your Grandma or your vanilla best friend at that establishment.
What doesn't happen at a Munch?
Overtly kinky activity.
Nobody at a munch is going to break out a flogger and start beating someone with it. The s-types are not going to be groveling on the floor, nobody is going to kneel to anybody else, in short- Nothing will happen that might make the vanilla folks nervous if they saw it.
Kinky activity may happen later in the evening, but if that sort of play is planned it will be at a kink-friendly location or perhaps someone's home. You are not obligated to attend unless you want to. Sometimes those vents are invitation only, or only include munch attendees who have been to X amount of munches (because the group may want to get to know you before including you in play events).
How do I find a munch?
If you're on Fetlife click: Places
Find your state (for me that's Michigan)
That will open a page with events in your state, groups related to your state, and a listing of cities in your state.
When I click on my city I get a listing for groups related to my city and the pages for a few local munches.
Alternatively, you can use the MALL Directory to see what events are listed in your area:
http://findamunch.com/
I haven't used it, but it seems fairly easy to navigate from the look I just had.
How do I know what Munch is right for me?
There are a few different kinds of munches so it may take some exploring to find the group that suits you best.
In cities large enough to support multiple munches there may be a TNG Munch (generally for folks under 35), a Submissive's or Dominant's Only Munch, a Munch for the older generations, a General Munch... Group Specific Munches are great because they can focus more on the things that interest that group, or they can provide you with an opportunity to meet people who share your interests.
What if I'm shy?
I'll let you in on a little secret- Despite my verbosity on here and on Fet, I'm painfully shy. Social Anxiety is something I'm very familiar with. So walking into a much alone (Cookie was working) for the first time was pretty difficult. So I do have some helpful tips for dealing with shyness:
Get to know your much group/s online first. Introduce yourself, get involved in conversations, and if you're really concerned about not knowing anybody send the Munch Leader a message. You won't be the first person to do this, and if your munch leader is aware that you're new and nervous they can make sure that other members know to be especially friendly to the new person. They want you to have a good time so that you'll come back.
Something else to seriously consider- All of the people at the munch were new there at some point, too. They all know what it's like to be the person who walks into a room full of strangers so most (if not all) of them are going to make a point to introduce themselves to you and put you at ease. Many of them will try to include you in their conversations. Of course you'll need to make an effort as well, but if you can't think of something to say, smiling and nodding to show you're paying attention and you are involved works wonders.
I'm a submissive and I'm worried about some random D-type getting bossy...
I'm not going to lie, random D-types will show up at munches looking for "fresh meat" or to "score." It happens.
When it does, it's perfectly OK to say, "I'm not interested" and move on. If the random D-type doesn't take that rather obvious hint to get lost and keeps bothering you, most of the people in the room will respond if you tell them you need help ditching a D-type who isn't getting the message.
And honestly, that's all some random D-type can do at a munch- Be a pest. It might be annoying, but it's not really something to be worried about. They can't actually make you do anything that you don't want to do.
I'm a D-type, what should I expect?
The same thing your submissive counterpart can expect- Good food, good conversation, and hopefully some new friends. If all goes well you'll be treated with the same common courtesy that every human being deserves.
Will I meet my One True Love at a Munch?
Anything is possible.
People have met their significant other at a munch, but munches are less "Meat Market" and more "Meet Market". It is possible to meet the D or s-type of your dreams at a munch, but generally it takes time (much like anywhere else), and if you're looking to hook-up or have a nice little one night stand? That can also happen, but it's not something I would bank on.
Friday, March 21, 2014
If aftercare is a thing, what about "before care"?
So the most obvious thing jumped out at me today while reading a post on Fet. This person asked what aftercare was (because she'd heard about it but wasn't sure what it entailed), and then she asked if there was an aftercare was there also a "before care"?
At first it was a silly question. I mean, "before care"? Who does that? Who asks about that kind of thing? What a noob.
But then I got thinking about it. Aftercare is such a big deal that most people have heard of it. They might not know what it is exactly, of if they may need it, but they know it's a thing so they ask about it.
My idea is to make "before care" as big of a thing as aftercare is, that way the newbies start asking "What is before care?"
Think about it.
Everybody who has been doing WIITWD has a pretty good idea of the things that generally happen before engaging in play with a new partner. You know, getting to know that person, establishing trust and compatibility, ensuring that everybody's needs will get met and that some safety protocol is in place... But there's no Super Special Kinky Term for that stuff.
Maybe if we gave it a name, the newbies would ask about it, because if it has a Super Special Kinky Term then it must be something that they need to know about and more importantly: Use.
And yes, that pre-game stuff a lot of us do is pretty much just common sense.
And yes, it's a bit silly that it might need a Kinky Term to get the newbie's attention.
And yes, having spent a few years on the planet and probably having dated and having had relationships before discovering the Kinkyverse it really shouldn't be rocket science...
But it is.
Frenzy strikes and all of a sudden the things a person used to know about dating, relationships, and common sense seem to take a flying leap out of the nearest available window.
So perhaps "Before Care" should become a thing.
It might help some of the more vulnerable members of our loosely-knit community be a little safer and contribute to healthier, happier relationships.
What do you guys think?
At first it was a silly question. I mean, "before care"? Who does that? Who asks about that kind of thing? What a noob.
But then I got thinking about it. Aftercare is such a big deal that most people have heard of it. They might not know what it is exactly, of if they may need it, but they know it's a thing so they ask about it.
My idea is to make "before care" as big of a thing as aftercare is, that way the newbies start asking "What is before care?"
Think about it.
Everybody who has been doing WIITWD has a pretty good idea of the things that generally happen before engaging in play with a new partner. You know, getting to know that person, establishing trust and compatibility, ensuring that everybody's needs will get met and that some safety protocol is in place... But there's no Super Special Kinky Term for that stuff.
Maybe if we gave it a name, the newbies would ask about it, because if it has a Super Special Kinky Term then it must be something that they need to know about and more importantly: Use.
And yes, that pre-game stuff a lot of us do is pretty much just common sense.
And yes, it's a bit silly that it might need a Kinky Term to get the newbie's attention.
And yes, having spent a few years on the planet and probably having dated and having had relationships before discovering the Kinkyverse it really shouldn't be rocket science...
But it is.
Frenzy strikes and all of a sudden the things a person used to know about dating, relationships, and common sense seem to take a flying leap out of the nearest available window.
So perhaps "Before Care" should become a thing.
It might help some of the more vulnerable members of our loosely-knit community be a little safer and contribute to healthier, happier relationships.
What do you guys think?
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
The Daily Flogger
http://www.thedailyflogger.com/
See that link? You should click on it and read the stuff these folks write. Not because it's all Supr Srs Bisness, but because it's funny, and I think the Kinkyverse could use a good dose of humor once in a while.
And I'm afraid that's all I've got for today... Unless anybody wants to hear about Hol's mysterious toenail malady? Anybody? No? I didn't think so.
See that link? You should click on it and read the stuff these folks write. Not because it's all Supr Srs Bisness, but because it's funny, and I think the Kinkyverse could use a good dose of humor once in a while.
And I'm afraid that's all I've got for today... Unless anybody wants to hear about Hol's mysterious toenail malady? Anybody? No? I didn't think so.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
I Had The Ebola Last Week.
A little while ago I mentioned that Beloved Cookie was ill.
The reward I got for being just about the best wife and submissive girl person ever whilst he was brought low by a bug? What do I get for cleaning out his puke bucket, fetching him chicky soup, and making sure his Kleenex supply was well stocked? How did he thank me for umpteen million grocery store runs to buy him OJ and Flu Drugs?
He gave it to me.
Bleh.
Thankfully, Cookie isn't a clod.
While I was busy yarping up my internal organs, producing more snot than the human sinus cavity should physically be capable of containing (unless a sinus cavity is like a Tardis), and generally displaying my misery by assuming the fetal position in the corner of the couch while making pathetic whimpering noises, Cookie took care of me.
He's awesome like that because he loves me and wants me to feel better.
And I only mention all this snot and vomit to bring up something I notice happening in the Kinkyverse that I thought about in between bouts of yickiness- The Unrealistic Expectations a lot of s-types seem to have about submission while sick.
Me? I had no problem being a miserable lump of sick Squeaky on the couch, no issues with sending Cookie to the store for more cough syrup, or letting him manage the house for a few days. The last thing I want to do when I feel like hammered shit is take care of crap I know he can manage on his own (plus, I secretly think he likes having a chance to be the care-giver on occasion).
But a lot of s-types seem to have issues about letting their D-types be the care-giver. I see it all the time online: "I feel bad because I'm sick and can't take care of my Dom!" or "I feel like a failure because I can't do XYZ while I'm running a 104 degree temperature and actually dying from Ebola!" or "I'm in a halo and he won't let me do XYZ..."
Ok. So maybe that last one is an exaggeration, I've yet to see someone in traction fretting because they can't kneel and suck cock, but you get the point. There's all this angst and I don't get it. At all. What's so horrible about being sick and letting someone who cares for you, you know, care for you?
I could understand it if they were ill and fretting because their clod-like Domly was demanding that they still do XYZ while running a 104 degree temperature and dying of Ebola... But this?
It just makes me scratch my noggin in a fit of confusion. You're sick, so what? Eventually you'll get better (well, maybe not from Ebola, I hear that's pretty rough on a body) and you can continue doing XYZ... Until then? Why not focus on, I dunno, getting better?
Meh.
I have nothing better to do because I'm still not all the way off the couch and I ran out of episodes of West Wing to watch on Netflix while the doggies warm my feet, so this is what you get. If it doesn't make any sense, just blame the Ebola.
The reward I got for being just about the best wife and submissive girl person ever whilst he was brought low by a bug? What do I get for cleaning out his puke bucket, fetching him chicky soup, and making sure his Kleenex supply was well stocked? How did he thank me for umpteen million grocery store runs to buy him OJ and Flu Drugs?
He gave it to me.
Bleh.
Thankfully, Cookie isn't a clod.
While I was busy yarping up my internal organs, producing more snot than the human sinus cavity should physically be capable of containing (unless a sinus cavity is like a Tardis), and generally displaying my misery by assuming the fetal position in the corner of the couch while making pathetic whimpering noises, Cookie took care of me.
He's awesome like that because he loves me and wants me to feel better.
And I only mention all this snot and vomit to bring up something I notice happening in the Kinkyverse that I thought about in between bouts of yickiness- The Unrealistic Expectations a lot of s-types seem to have about submission while sick.
Me? I had no problem being a miserable lump of sick Squeaky on the couch, no issues with sending Cookie to the store for more cough syrup, or letting him manage the house for a few days. The last thing I want to do when I feel like hammered shit is take care of crap I know he can manage on his own (plus, I secretly think he likes having a chance to be the care-giver on occasion).
But a lot of s-types seem to have issues about letting their D-types be the care-giver. I see it all the time online: "I feel bad because I'm sick and can't take care of my Dom!" or "I feel like a failure because I can't do XYZ while I'm running a 104 degree temperature and actually dying from Ebola!" or "I'm in a halo and he won't let me do XYZ..."
Ok. So maybe that last one is an exaggeration, I've yet to see someone in traction fretting because they can't kneel and suck cock, but you get the point. There's all this angst and I don't get it. At all. What's so horrible about being sick and letting someone who cares for you, you know, care for you?
I could understand it if they were ill and fretting because their clod-like Domly was demanding that they still do XYZ while running a 104 degree temperature and dying of Ebola... But this?
It just makes me scratch my noggin in a fit of confusion. You're sick, so what? Eventually you'll get better (well, maybe not from Ebola, I hear that's pretty rough on a body) and you can continue doing XYZ... Until then? Why not focus on, I dunno, getting better?
Meh.
I have nothing better to do because I'm still not all the way off the couch and I ran out of episodes of West Wing to watch on Netflix while the doggies warm my feet, so this is what you get. If it doesn't make any sense, just blame the Ebola.
"Experienced" Dominants (AKA I Have A Resume!)
Whenever a submissive ventures into the Kinkyverse either online or in real life they're going to be inundated with messages from D-types trying to impress them into submitting. It's pretty much a given.
One of the tactics most often used to impress a newbie (or even an experienced submissive) is the Domly Resume. You know, the part of the message where Mr. Impressive states something along the lines of "I've been a Dominant for 10 years and have had many submissives!" That's the bit they're counting on the submissive going googly-eyed over because, "Ooo! Years of experience! Multiple submissives!"
Hell, it's often so "impressive" that many D-types feel the urge to include that info on their profile- "Hi, I'm Master Uber True Dom and I've had 10 years of experience and many, many submissives. Entire battalions of submissives. I'm impressive, be impressed by me!" That way nobody misses out on the opportunity to be impressed by their awesomeness, including other less impressive D-types who will pale in comparison.
There's a way to look at that and see it as a positive- For example if you look at it like a sport and the guy is saying "I've been racing cars for 10 years and have lots of trophies" that's kind of impressive because if he has that many years of experience and some trophies he must be pretty good at that whole turning left while going fast thing, right? It's a reasonable assumption to make and one people make about a lot of things- More experience is better, more people experienced is better, more is just better.
Problem is: That paradigm doesn't stand up when it comes to relationships and that's what D/s is to a great many people- It's a type of relationship. Sure, it might be casual and no-strings, it might be a Friend With Benefit deal, or it might be headed to the alter... But it's a relationship between two people (or more, to be fair) and in that instance, more isn't always better.
So if you start thinking about "I've been a Dominant for 10 years and have had many submissives" in a relationship kind of way, and not a sports-related kind of way, where does that get you?
"I've been in a D/s relationship off and on for10 years and have many Exes."
How impressive does that sound, because that's what they're telling you; They're letting you know that they've been in relationships and for some reason those relationships have ended. Not so impressive now, is it?
And OK, maybe it might be sort of impressive if they told you "I've been a Dominant for 10 years. One relationship lasted 4 years, the other 6 and both relationships ended on good terms because we wanted different things so there were no hard feelings, we're all still friends." That at least gives you an idea of how much time they actually spent in a D/s relationship, how those relationships ended, and that he might be a decent sort of guy if his exes are still on friendly terms with him.
But Mr. Impressive from above? What if his 10 years of "experience" actually means that he had 12 week-long relationships in the space of 10 years? 12 weeks of experience isn't exactly the same thing as 10 years, is it? And what's more- What if those 12 ex-submissives all hate his guts? His impressive resume isn't impressive any more. In fact, it's a bit laughable for how unimpressive it is.
Or, and this is even better (as in funnier), maybe his 10 years of "experience" means he's been surfing porn in his mom's basement for 10 years and he's had three online relationships that didn't last very long with submissives who wouldn't piss on his gums if his teeth were on fire... Incredibly unimpressive, isn't it?
And that's why I wrote this, because there is a bit of social pressure to be impressed by numbers that in themselves mean nothing among members of the Kinkyverse. A lot of people feel like they have to provide their bona fides in order to be taken seriously as a Dominant or submissive- Heck, even I've felt the urge to throw mine out there as a way of saying "See, I really do know what I'm talking about!"
But when it comes to having a relationship with someone? Those numbers are nothing to get excited over and they're certainly not enough information by themselves to use as a factor in deciding to submit to someone.
So just keep that in mind if you're ever in the market to Dom Shop- When someone comes along and says "I've been a Dominant for 10 years and have had many submissives!" They're not really telling you anything, much less anything that ought to impress you.
One of the tactics most often used to impress a newbie (or even an experienced submissive) is the Domly Resume. You know, the part of the message where Mr. Impressive states something along the lines of "I've been a Dominant for 10 years and have had many submissives!" That's the bit they're counting on the submissive going googly-eyed over because, "Ooo! Years of experience! Multiple submissives!"
Hell, it's often so "impressive" that many D-types feel the urge to include that info on their profile- "Hi, I'm Master Uber True Dom and I've had 10 years of experience and many, many submissives. Entire battalions of submissives. I'm impressive, be impressed by me!" That way nobody misses out on the opportunity to be impressed by their awesomeness, including other less impressive D-types who will pale in comparison.
There's a way to look at that and see it as a positive- For example if you look at it like a sport and the guy is saying "I've been racing cars for 10 years and have lots of trophies" that's kind of impressive because if he has that many years of experience and some trophies he must be pretty good at that whole turning left while going fast thing, right? It's a reasonable assumption to make and one people make about a lot of things- More experience is better, more people experienced is better, more is just better.
Problem is: That paradigm doesn't stand up when it comes to relationships and that's what D/s is to a great many people- It's a type of relationship. Sure, it might be casual and no-strings, it might be a Friend With Benefit deal, or it might be headed to the alter... But it's a relationship between two people (or more, to be fair) and in that instance, more isn't always better.
So if you start thinking about "I've been a Dominant for 10 years and have had many submissives" in a relationship kind of way, and not a sports-related kind of way, where does that get you?
"I've been in a D/s relationship off and on for10 years and have many Exes."
How impressive does that sound, because that's what they're telling you; They're letting you know that they've been in relationships and for some reason those relationships have ended. Not so impressive now, is it?
And OK, maybe it might be sort of impressive if they told you "I've been a Dominant for 10 years. One relationship lasted 4 years, the other 6 and both relationships ended on good terms because we wanted different things so there were no hard feelings, we're all still friends." That at least gives you an idea of how much time they actually spent in a D/s relationship, how those relationships ended, and that he might be a decent sort of guy if his exes are still on friendly terms with him.
But Mr. Impressive from above? What if his 10 years of "experience" actually means that he had 12 week-long relationships in the space of 10 years? 12 weeks of experience isn't exactly the same thing as 10 years, is it? And what's more- What if those 12 ex-submissives all hate his guts? His impressive resume isn't impressive any more. In fact, it's a bit laughable for how unimpressive it is.
Or, and this is even better (as in funnier), maybe his 10 years of "experience" means he's been surfing porn in his mom's basement for 10 years and he's had three online relationships that didn't last very long with submissives who wouldn't piss on his gums if his teeth were on fire... Incredibly unimpressive, isn't it?
And that's why I wrote this, because there is a bit of social pressure to be impressed by numbers that in themselves mean nothing among members of the Kinkyverse. A lot of people feel like they have to provide their bona fides in order to be taken seriously as a Dominant or submissive- Heck, even I've felt the urge to throw mine out there as a way of saying "See, I really do know what I'm talking about!"
But when it comes to having a relationship with someone? Those numbers are nothing to get excited over and they're certainly not enough information by themselves to use as a factor in deciding to submit to someone.
So just keep that in mind if you're ever in the market to Dom Shop- When someone comes along and says "I've been a Dominant for 10 years and have had many submissives!" They're not really telling you anything, much less anything that ought to impress you.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Asking for Aftercare
Yesterday a post was started in one of the groups I frequent- Girl meets boy, girl and boy decide to play, due to life butting in play had to be cut short, boy left. Such is life.
The OP stated that the play was good, the guy was thoughtful and considerate, but she was left feeling a bit down because there was no aftercare and she was wondering how to communicate this issue without seeming needy. Fair enough.
Advise was supplied by group members and all was OK with the world... Except it wasn't because the quote below popped up in reference to people asking if the OP had told the Dom that she might need aftercare. And then she got a bit perturbed that people thought she should have told him about her need for aftercare before they played. Then OP got angry with the group members and at the poor guy she played with. All was NOT ok with the world... Anyways, the quote-
"Really people? She should have to communicate what her needs are for aftercare? How about the dominant asking BEFORE and AFTER play how she feels about those things? This is what I call responsibility and maturity."
It kind of blew my mind that someone was getting offended because people had dared to suggest that the OP had some responsibility to ensure her needs would be met. Ok. It didn't actually blow my mind because for some reason a lot of people genuinely believe that D-types should bear ALL of the responsibility for safety/aftercare/communication/etc, and that submissives don't have to do anything to ensure those things happen or are taken care of.
Listen, I know it's a great fantasy that this perfect Domly Person is going to wander along and he's going to instinctively know everything that you need/want/whatever... But it's a fantasy. It's not real life. Unless you talk about your needs that D-type you're talking to or playing with will not know about them.
And even with a subject as common as aftercare? It's not a given. Not everybody plays to the point where they might need it, not everybody drops, and some of the people who do drop? They prefer to provide their own aftercare. If the guy you're playing with has only ever played with people who don't drop or has played with people who prefer to see to their own aftercare, it's a bit unreasonable to assume that he's going to know that you might need it.
And yes, in a perfect world every Dominant would have an extensive talk with someone he's thinking about playing with about what their needs are- But on the flip side, every submissive would also be insisting that talk happen before they play... And if like the OP of the post that triggered this bloggy thing, you forgot to mention it?
Well, you'd make sure to mention it before you played again, and you wouldn't hold the guy responsible for not knowing about something you didn't communicate to him. Getting mad at the guy is about as silly as getting mad at your mom for making you spaghetti for your birthday dinner when you really wanted mashed taters and roast beef, but you didn't tell her that...
It's your responsibility to see that your needs are met, nobody else's. So if you want aftercare, or if you're not sure, then tell your partner that. Communicate with them. It's very easy to say, "I need aftercare," or "I might need aftercare."
Problem solved.
The OP stated that the play was good, the guy was thoughtful and considerate, but she was left feeling a bit down because there was no aftercare and she was wondering how to communicate this issue without seeming needy. Fair enough.
Advise was supplied by group members and all was OK with the world... Except it wasn't because the quote below popped up in reference to people asking if the OP had told the Dom that she might need aftercare. And then she got a bit perturbed that people thought she should have told him about her need for aftercare before they played. Then OP got angry with the group members and at the poor guy she played with. All was NOT ok with the world... Anyways, the quote-
"Really people? She should have to communicate what her needs are for aftercare? How about the dominant asking BEFORE and AFTER play how she feels about those things? This is what I call responsibility and maturity."
It kind of blew my mind that someone was getting offended because people had dared to suggest that the OP had some responsibility to ensure her needs would be met. Ok. It didn't actually blow my mind because for some reason a lot of people genuinely believe that D-types should bear ALL of the responsibility for safety/aftercare/communication/etc, and that submissives don't have to do anything to ensure those things happen or are taken care of.
Listen, I know it's a great fantasy that this perfect Domly Person is going to wander along and he's going to instinctively know everything that you need/want/whatever... But it's a fantasy. It's not real life. Unless you talk about your needs that D-type you're talking to or playing with will not know about them.
And even with a subject as common as aftercare? It's not a given. Not everybody plays to the point where they might need it, not everybody drops, and some of the people who do drop? They prefer to provide their own aftercare. If the guy you're playing with has only ever played with people who don't drop or has played with people who prefer to see to their own aftercare, it's a bit unreasonable to assume that he's going to know that you might need it.
And yes, in a perfect world every Dominant would have an extensive talk with someone he's thinking about playing with about what their needs are- But on the flip side, every submissive would also be insisting that talk happen before they play... And if like the OP of the post that triggered this bloggy thing, you forgot to mention it?
Well, you'd make sure to mention it before you played again, and you wouldn't hold the guy responsible for not knowing about something you didn't communicate to him. Getting mad at the guy is about as silly as getting mad at your mom for making you spaghetti for your birthday dinner when you really wanted mashed taters and roast beef, but you didn't tell her that...
It's your responsibility to see that your needs are met, nobody else's. So if you want aftercare, or if you're not sure, then tell your partner that. Communicate with them. It's very easy to say, "I need aftercare," or "I might need aftercare."
Problem solved.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Picture this... (Or: What photos should I share online/with others?)
It's become part of the norm to share our lives in pictures on the internet. We take pictures of the places we go, the people we see, the things we do, what we eat, and the funny things our pets and kids accomplish. From sunrise to sunset (and beyond) our digital shutters click and we upload everything from the mundane to the extraordinary. Pictures have become an important part of how we connect with each other.
So it's not surprising that when a person joins a site life Fetlife (for example) they often wonder what pictures are appropriate to share, and how much of their life (and themselves, sometimes) they should show off. And they ask questions. Lots and lots of questions. Like these:
It seems like everybody's naked. Do I have to get naked too?
Can I get naked?
Do I have to show my face?
If I show my face what's the worst that can happen?
Can I post pictures of my garden/pets/kids/cupcakes?
What can't I post pictures of?
Do I have to post a certain kind of picture?
If a Dom asks for my picture should I send him one?
What about "naughty" pictures? Should I send those?
Lots of questions... And because I'm bored (and waiting for Cookie to bring home the Sausage Egg McMuffins) I thought I'd have a go at them.
It seems like everybody's naked. Do I have to get naked too?
Nope. It may seem like everybody on the BDSM websites are showing off their birthday suits, but appearances can be deceiving. Plenty of people choose to remain clothed or at least partially clothed for a multitude of reasons. Some people are modest, some people's relationships don't include sharing nude photos online, some people want to save that sort of thing for their Significant Other, and some have (wait for it) a clothing fetish.
The only thing you have to do is what you feel comfortable doing.
Can I get naked?
Of course you can, unless you have a rule in your relationship that it's not allowed... Then you might want to talk about your partner about it. But in general, if the website allows nudity you can get as naked as your little heart desires.
Do I have to show my face?
A lot of people like being able to put a face to the name of someone their communicating with, and many folks have no problem showing their faces in the Kinkyverse... But if you're not OK with that for whatever reason, no. You can keep your identity a secret. It's your profile, you get to share what you want to share.
If I show my face what's the worst that can happen?
The worst?
Well- Someone you know could recognize you.
That might not be bad, I've recognized a few people and I've never said a word about it to anybody.
Or it could be bad- Especially if being outed could get you in trouble with your employer, family, or the law. People have lost jobs, custody of their kids, and lost relationships after being outed... So weighing the potential risks is something you might want to consider.
Can I post pictures of my garden/pets/kids/cupcakes?
For the most part you can post anything your want, and honestly- I love seeing the vanilla parts of people's lives. It tells me something about them... But there are things you cannot post pictures of and included in that list for many, many BDSM related websites are pictures of children. So save those pics for Facebook.
What can't I post pictures of?
In the TOU (Terms of Use) for most websites, or located somewhere in the user agreement there will be a list of things you can't post- Usually those things are ones that include minors, illegal activity, and activities that are prohibited on the site itself. Checking the TOU and/or User Agreement should clear it up for you.
Do I have to post a certain kind of picture?
Nope. Even if everybody on the site is posting a picture of a daffodil in bloom (because it'll be Spring soon, I hope) and using that as their avatar, you don't have to post one too.
If a Dom asks for my picture should I send him one?
Only if you're comfortable sharing a picture with him. Remember, this thing that we do is all about consent- If you don't want to do something, you do not have to do it. And if he insists and ignores the fact that you're not consenting to send him a picture, you can feel free to ignore him. Or yell at him. Or send him a picture of your dog's latest BM... Whatever seems fitting.
What about "naughty" pictures? Should I send those?
Aging, this is a decision to base on your comfort level- If you're comfortable sending someone your picture, go for it. A lot of people find sharing nakkie pics a hot and sexy thing (I know I've sent my fair share to Cookie).
But an important thing to consider is how well you know the person you're sending a picture to- Can you trust him not to share it with his buddies or to sell it on one of the pay-for-porn sites? If you can't trust him to not be shady, but you still want the sending pictures sexy fun, you can always crop your head out of the picture or wear a mask to protect your privacy.
On a similar note- Many people use programs like Skype to enjoy sexy times via webcam, so it might be useful to know that those sessions can be recorded and shared... And just like a picture, once a video on the internet it's there forever.
Or you could always take a friend's advice: she says, "If you want to share something, think about what your grandma or pastor might say if they saw it- Because they could."
So it's not surprising that when a person joins a site life Fetlife (for example) they often wonder what pictures are appropriate to share, and how much of their life (and themselves, sometimes) they should show off. And they ask questions. Lots and lots of questions. Like these:
It seems like everybody's naked. Do I have to get naked too?
Can I get naked?
Do I have to show my face?
If I show my face what's the worst that can happen?
Can I post pictures of my garden/pets/kids/cupcakes?
What can't I post pictures of?
Do I have to post a certain kind of picture?
If a Dom asks for my picture should I send him one?
What about "naughty" pictures? Should I send those?
Lots of questions... And because I'm bored (and waiting for Cookie to bring home the Sausage Egg McMuffins) I thought I'd have a go at them.
It seems like everybody's naked. Do I have to get naked too?
Nope. It may seem like everybody on the BDSM websites are showing off their birthday suits, but appearances can be deceiving. Plenty of people choose to remain clothed or at least partially clothed for a multitude of reasons. Some people are modest, some people's relationships don't include sharing nude photos online, some people want to save that sort of thing for their Significant Other, and some have (wait for it) a clothing fetish.
The only thing you have to do is what you feel comfortable doing.
Can I get naked?
Of course you can, unless you have a rule in your relationship that it's not allowed... Then you might want to talk about your partner about it. But in general, if the website allows nudity you can get as naked as your little heart desires.
Do I have to show my face?
A lot of people like being able to put a face to the name of someone their communicating with, and many folks have no problem showing their faces in the Kinkyverse... But if you're not OK with that for whatever reason, no. You can keep your identity a secret. It's your profile, you get to share what you want to share.
If I show my face what's the worst that can happen?
The worst?
Well- Someone you know could recognize you.
That might not be bad, I've recognized a few people and I've never said a word about it to anybody.
Or it could be bad- Especially if being outed could get you in trouble with your employer, family, or the law. People have lost jobs, custody of their kids, and lost relationships after being outed... So weighing the potential risks is something you might want to consider.
Can I post pictures of my garden/pets/kids/cupcakes?
For the most part you can post anything your want, and honestly- I love seeing the vanilla parts of people's lives. It tells me something about them... But there are things you cannot post pictures of and included in that list for many, many BDSM related websites are pictures of children. So save those pics for Facebook.
What can't I post pictures of?
In the TOU (Terms of Use) for most websites, or located somewhere in the user agreement there will be a list of things you can't post- Usually those things are ones that include minors, illegal activity, and activities that are prohibited on the site itself. Checking the TOU and/or User Agreement should clear it up for you.
Do I have to post a certain kind of picture?
Nope. Even if everybody on the site is posting a picture of a daffodil in bloom (because it'll be Spring soon, I hope) and using that as their avatar, you don't have to post one too.
If a Dom asks for my picture should I send him one?
Only if you're comfortable sharing a picture with him. Remember, this thing that we do is all about consent- If you don't want to do something, you do not have to do it. And if he insists and ignores the fact that you're not consenting to send him a picture, you can feel free to ignore him. Or yell at him. Or send him a picture of your dog's latest BM... Whatever seems fitting.
What about "naughty" pictures? Should I send those?
Aging, this is a decision to base on your comfort level- If you're comfortable sending someone your picture, go for it. A lot of people find sharing nakkie pics a hot and sexy thing (I know I've sent my fair share to Cookie).
But an important thing to consider is how well you know the person you're sending a picture to- Can you trust him not to share it with his buddies or to sell it on one of the pay-for-porn sites? If you can't trust him to not be shady, but you still want the sending pictures sexy fun, you can always crop your head out of the picture or wear a mask to protect your privacy.
On a similar note- Many people use programs like Skype to enjoy sexy times via webcam, so it might be useful to know that those sessions can be recorded and shared... And just like a picture, once a video on the internet it's there forever.
Or you could always take a friend's advice: she says, "If you want to share something, think about what your grandma or pastor might say if they saw it- Because they could."
Thursday, March 6, 2014
The Perfect Dominant
For those of you who haven't virtually met him, this is Cookie.
I write about him often because he's a very important part of my life, he's the biggest and best part of my happy, and I love him more than pie.
I often wax ecstatic about his many virtues:
How hard-working he is (he just got a raise, the second in the past year), his loyalty, brilliance, humor, dedication. What a good dad he is to the real kids and our puppy "kids." How neatly our kinks and general vanilla goals/beliefs/whatnot align... I tell everybody who will listen how perfect he is for me, because he is, and my ecstatic waxing is one way I show him how much I appreciate him (even if he doesn't read it. Someday he might).
I don't think it's odd that I like to write about his awesomeness, and it's something I see a lot of other submissive women (or just women in general) do when they're happy with their significant other and happy in their relationship. And in the context of the Kinkyverse, writing about our Domly Ones is often a way to illustrate that other submissives don't have to settle for someone who doesn't meet their needs, they can find someone awesome and have an awesome relationship because we've done it... Just look at how awesome our Doms are, look at how happy we are.
I think it's important to provide these examples, there are a lot of submissive women out there who think that they can't find the guy of their dreams, or that they have to settle, or that they can't expect more because they're submissive and for some reason D-types don't have to be compatible beyond kink... Providing examples of how we found not only the perfect guy for us, but the perfect Dom as well- that's good.
What's not so good, and what I started thinking about tonight is that when I and other submissives talk about our guys we're only ever talking about what makes them great guys. We only really talk about the good things, so I wonder if we're creating this picture of a Perfect Dominant that's setting an unrealistic bar for real life, normal guys to live up to.
We're creating a picture of what the Perfect Dominant is, what constitutes "real" and "true," and I wonder if that's not a bit unfair to them and to us.
In my writings, Cookie never fails, he never screws up, he doesn't get sick. He's always steadfast and strong, he never falters or fails. He's my safe harbor, a paragon of manly-domly virtue, and well... He's disgustingly perfect.
Thing is... He's not.
I tend to gloss over or just ignore all the ways he doesn't qualify for sainthood.
He makes dumb mistakes. The other day, the insurance on the car lapsed. We've been driving the car around for a week without insurance on it (granted, it's not just his fault, I could have asked about it, but he handles the money and bills so I didn't).
He never remembers to pull his undershirts out of his work shirts, something that drives me batty on laundry day.
Rinsing milk out of a glass is a concept he's totally unfamiliar with.
He doesn't always think things through- He actually thought it was a good idea to trade his car that ran well but he had a payment for his parent's paid-off, barely-running car... That he would have had to pay to fix.
He has an obsessive-compulsive need to acquire Nerf Guns. I'm dead serious. Some people hoard trash or pets? Cookie hoards Nerf guns.
Sometimes he feels down and I'm his rock.
Sometimes he can't handle something so I do it.
At the moment he's suffering from some version of the Flu that makes him complain, whine, puke, and snore all night long. All. Night. Long... Loudly.
He doesn't "know it all," he's not without his short-comings, and the reality of it is- He's not The Perfect Dominant. He's not the stuff of legends, of fiction, or anything even remotely reality based. He's human.
Although he might be perfect for me, he's far from perfection because nobody is actually perfect. Not outside the pages of fiction, anyways.
Just another random thought for another long, lonely night (ugh. I cannot wait for this third shift business to be over).
All the Nerf Guns!
50 Shades of Grey: The Reality of The Billionaire Dom (AKA fun with bad math)
Do you want to know something funny about me?
I'm horrible at math (seriously, if my phone didn't have a calculator app I'd be lost), but I really like playing with numbers. I love it. I like looking up statistics and applying them to real life or imagined scenarios. So I'm a little surprised that it's taken me this long to play with these numbers:
Disclaimer: I really do suck at math. So everything that follows could be waaaaaay off. I was just having fun with it.
What are the odds of finding a Real Life Christian Grey?
Out of curiosity I used my friend Google to find out how many billionaires there were in the USA.
Forbes most recent list from March 2013 says: 442
That's not a horrible number, it's not out of the realm of possibility that someone's Christian Grey really is out there... But unless they want the super old and crusty version, let's narrow it down a little more. How many of those billionaires are under 40? Forbes was helpful again: 11 The average age of a billionaire is 61.7 years old.
Ooo... Looks like things have just gotten a bit tougher for a submissive who's on the prowl for her very own Christian Grey.
But wait! The numbers get worse...
Estimates for the percentage of people who play kinky games occasionally is roughly 50%- So perhaps 5.5 of those billionaires like a little kink in their life.
Estimates for people who engage in regular kinky activity (frequency, not the type of play) is a guestimate and ranges from 5-20%... So from our pool of under-40 billionaires you get one or two guys who might be interested in D/s. And if you figure that out of a possible 2 guys, one of them might fall on the s side of the slash- That's one billionaire Dom in the United States. ONE... And he might already be married.
Christian Grey is a statistical improbability...
Or to be blunt- You're not going to meet him. Ever.
Well, I think most folks with any critical thinking skills could have reasoned that one out- So what if we set the bar a bit lower? What if we aim for a millionaire? There are, after all, more millionaires than there are billionaires...
The NY Times reported in 2013- "The study found that at the end of 2012, 8.99 million American households boasted a net worth of at least $1 million."
Seems a little high, doesn't it? That's because it is. Net worth doesn't reflect what you earn, just that you might be good at saving. So let's look at tax returns-
"According to the latest data from the IRS for 2010, there were roughly 268,000 tax returns reporting more than $1 million in adjusted gross income (AGI)"...
20.3% were under 45, 3.3% were under 35... So if we're looking for a slightly less rich (snort) version of Christian Grey we have 8,844 people to chose from... So far.
Only 12% of millionaires filed "single" on their taxes. Now we have about 90 people in the pool and if one third of them are women (not to disparage lady millionaires, just to increase the possibility of finding a millionaire Dom), we have 60 single guys left.
Using the 5-20% to weed out the vanillas, we have somewhere between 3 and 12 people who are perhaps interested in D/s and if only half of them are interested in being the D... 1.5 to 6 people who earn a million dollars or more in a year might be up your alley... Out of the entire US population.
But what about those folks who save and invest well? There's a lot more of them...
If there are 9M millionaires, but half are men...
4.5 million are left.
If half of those are single, 2.25M are available.
If half are under 35... a little over 1 million millionaires are still in the running.
If between 5-20% of them are interested in D/s, somewhere between 50K and 200K might qualify.
If half of those are D-types? There might be between 25,000 and 100,000 millionaire D-types running around, just waiting to be the Christian Grey's "poor" cousin.
Not horrible odds, unless you consider that with a population of 313million people in the USA, those guys make up 1 in 3,130 people, at most.
The odds of meeting these guys pretty damn slender.
Unless, you know, your best friend gets sick and you have to do her interview with an insanely rich, handsome, and eligible guy for her... Because that could happen.
I'm horrible at math (seriously, if my phone didn't have a calculator app I'd be lost), but I really like playing with numbers. I love it. I like looking up statistics and applying them to real life or imagined scenarios. So I'm a little surprised that it's taken me this long to play with these numbers:
Disclaimer: I really do suck at math. So everything that follows could be waaaaaay off. I was just having fun with it.
What are the odds of finding a Real Life Christian Grey?
Out of curiosity I used my friend Google to find out how many billionaires there were in the USA.
Forbes most recent list from March 2013 says: 442
That's not a horrible number, it's not out of the realm of possibility that someone's Christian Grey really is out there... But unless they want the super old and crusty version, let's narrow it down a little more. How many of those billionaires are under 40? Forbes was helpful again: 11 The average age of a billionaire is 61.7 years old.
Ooo... Looks like things have just gotten a bit tougher for a submissive who's on the prowl for her very own Christian Grey.
But wait! The numbers get worse...
Estimates for the percentage of people who play kinky games occasionally is roughly 50%- So perhaps 5.5 of those billionaires like a little kink in their life.
Estimates for people who engage in regular kinky activity (frequency, not the type of play) is a guestimate and ranges from 5-20%... So from our pool of under-40 billionaires you get one or two guys who might be interested in D/s. And if you figure that out of a possible 2 guys, one of them might fall on the s side of the slash- That's one billionaire Dom in the United States. ONE... And he might already be married.
Christian Grey is a statistical improbability...
Or to be blunt- You're not going to meet him. Ever.
Well, I think most folks with any critical thinking skills could have reasoned that one out- So what if we set the bar a bit lower? What if we aim for a millionaire? There are, after all, more millionaires than there are billionaires...
The NY Times reported in 2013- "The study found that at the end of 2012, 8.99 million American households boasted a net worth of at least $1 million."
Seems a little high, doesn't it? That's because it is. Net worth doesn't reflect what you earn, just that you might be good at saving. So let's look at tax returns-
"According to the latest data from the IRS for 2010, there were roughly 268,000 tax returns reporting more than $1 million in adjusted gross income (AGI)"...
20.3% were under 45, 3.3% were under 35... So if we're looking for a slightly less rich (snort) version of Christian Grey we have 8,844 people to chose from... So far.
Only 12% of millionaires filed "single" on their taxes. Now we have about 90 people in the pool and if one third of them are women (not to disparage lady millionaires, just to increase the possibility of finding a millionaire Dom), we have 60 single guys left.
Using the 5-20% to weed out the vanillas, we have somewhere between 3 and 12 people who are perhaps interested in D/s and if only half of them are interested in being the D... 1.5 to 6 people who earn a million dollars or more in a year might be up your alley... Out of the entire US population.
But what about those folks who save and invest well? There's a lot more of them...
If there are 9M millionaires, but half are men...
4.5 million are left.
If half of those are single, 2.25M are available.
If half are under 35... a little over 1 million millionaires are still in the running.
If between 5-20% of them are interested in D/s, somewhere between 50K and 200K might qualify.
If half of those are D-types? There might be between 25,000 and 100,000 millionaire D-types running around, just waiting to be the Christian Grey's "poor" cousin.
Not horrible odds, unless you consider that with a population of 313million people in the USA, those guys make up 1 in 3,130 people, at most.
The odds of meeting these guys pretty damn slender.
Unless, you know, your best friend gets sick and you have to do her interview with an insanely rich, handsome, and eligible guy for her... Because that could happen.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Fuck this "Alpha Sub" shit.
This morning at some point another writing about "Alpha" submissives made it to K&P.
That by itself wouldn't rile me up because there are plenty of people who feel a good bit of angst over the fact that their personality does battle with their desire to submit. The more submissives with dominant personalities that come out of the woodwork to say, "Hey, I run a company. I'm out-spoken, a go-getter, and confident. I'm competent, secure in myself as a person, and a fully functional, responsible adult... And I'm happy to submit to my partner" the better.
Let's help out our fellow submissives with dominant personalities find their place in the Kinkyverse. I'm all for that. Power to the DP s-types!
So it's not the topic that riles me up, it's the tone of smug superiority these self-proclaimed "Alpha subs" tend to adopt when they talk about themselves. Hell, the very wording implies a sense of superiority, a "better than" quality, and a place above the salt cellar at the table. And everybody who isn't an alpha? well they're somehow "less than". Less smart, less capable, less outgoing, less interesting, less of a challenge... They're just less because being alpha is better.
If that wasn't insulting enough- There's more. Dominants who prefer the easy-going subs, the sweet, shy gals, the ones whose IQs don't qualify them for Mensa? Those guys are inferior as well and the reasoning is that because they prefer the non-alpha sub they're incapable of handling a "real" sub. They're compared to low quality management who hires even lower quality staff so as not to have their power threatened because they're weak.
As much as I'm all about breaking the submissive stereotype, I am totally against going about it in this way. I think it's pretty damn low to make someone feel like they have less worth because they don't have the same qualities that you do, I think it's shitty to make another group feel less worthy because you're incompatible with them. And if the only argument you can make for being a DP Submissive is one that involves tearing others down in an attempt to legitimize your position in the Kinkyverse, you're not helping.
There is a case that needs to be made for the Dominant Personality Submissive- That while we have character traits shared by many D-types our submission is genuine and valid. That personality and orientation, the side of the slash we gravitate towards in an Authority Exchange relationship, does not always match up. That we are just as real and true as any other person who choses to submit.
We can make that case without maligning others.
So can we stop the "Alpha sub" bullshit already?
That by itself wouldn't rile me up because there are plenty of people who feel a good bit of angst over the fact that their personality does battle with their desire to submit. The more submissives with dominant personalities that come out of the woodwork to say, "Hey, I run a company. I'm out-spoken, a go-getter, and confident. I'm competent, secure in myself as a person, and a fully functional, responsible adult... And I'm happy to submit to my partner" the better.
Let's help out our fellow submissives with dominant personalities find their place in the Kinkyverse. I'm all for that. Power to the DP s-types!
So it's not the topic that riles me up, it's the tone of smug superiority these self-proclaimed "Alpha subs" tend to adopt when they talk about themselves. Hell, the very wording implies a sense of superiority, a "better than" quality, and a place above the salt cellar at the table. And everybody who isn't an alpha? well they're somehow "less than". Less smart, less capable, less outgoing, less interesting, less of a challenge... They're just less because being alpha is better.
If that wasn't insulting enough- There's more. Dominants who prefer the easy-going subs, the sweet, shy gals, the ones whose IQs don't qualify them for Mensa? Those guys are inferior as well and the reasoning is that because they prefer the non-alpha sub they're incapable of handling a "real" sub. They're compared to low quality management who hires even lower quality staff so as not to have their power threatened because they're weak.
As much as I'm all about breaking the submissive stereotype, I am totally against going about it in this way. I think it's pretty damn low to make someone feel like they have less worth because they don't have the same qualities that you do, I think it's shitty to make another group feel less worthy because you're incompatible with them. And if the only argument you can make for being a DP Submissive is one that involves tearing others down in an attempt to legitimize your position in the Kinkyverse, you're not helping.
There is a case that needs to be made for the Dominant Personality Submissive- That while we have character traits shared by many D-types our submission is genuine and valid. That personality and orientation, the side of the slash we gravitate towards in an Authority Exchange relationship, does not always match up. That we are just as real and true as any other person who choses to submit.
We can make that case without maligning others.
So can we stop the "Alpha sub" bullshit already?
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
A True Submissive...
I have a terrible confession to make.
Seriously, it's pretty awful.
It's so awful that you'll all probably throw virtual rocks at me and drive me from the Kinkyverse and I will become a sad outcast wandering the Vanilla cosmos alone...
I am not a True Submissive (tm).
I know, I know. Here I am claiming to be a submissive and writing this blog and I'm not even true. I'm some sort of counterfeit submissive who pales in comparison to the real thing. A knock-off. Faux.
I tried to deny the truth of the matter for a long time, but mounting evidence to the contrary makes the charade impossible to continue. I cannot live a lie any more, I am (apparently)... Not True.
Gasp!
I have to come clean, and in an effort to do so I will list my shameful faux submissive sins (in no particular order).
1. I am not a natural submissive.
I wasn't born knowing the 128 Slave Rules, the Positions a True sub should instinctually assume, and my first words were not "Yes, Sir." Right off the bat I failed to be true. My own mother confirms this as fact by saying that I never begged for my bottle, I demanded it in a very non-submissive sort of way. Usually with angry howls and a glare. She says I was a contrary child.
2. I don't enjoy service.
Everybody knows that True Subs love serving people. Their sole purpose in life is making others happy. I knew my best friend was a True Sub when we went out to dinner and she felt compelled to begin waiting tables in order to speed up service and make the other diners happy. It wouldn't have been that bad if she hadn't done it while kneeling.
3. There is stuff I just won't do, no matter how happy it'll make my Domly One.
A true sub doesn't have limits because they trust their Dom and their Dom's happiness is the very most important thing to them ever. Domly doesn't want to eat yet? They'll wait dinner, even if the children are starving. Domly wants butt sex? Despite that recent anal fissure and bout of Ring Of Fire Diarrhea, they'll comply. A true sub will do the shit I won't which is a blatant sign of my untrueness.
4. Altruism has never held any appeal to me.
To be a true sub you really have to enjoy being a altruistic. You have to be happy serving with no positive feedback because True Subs don't need praise or rewards for a job well done. Their Dom's happiness is reward enough and if it isn't and they're unhappy then they're not really true. I personally like being told when I do something well. I like positive reinforcement. I like getting rewards... I'm so not true.
5. My Domly isn't the only thing I think of.
A true sub thinks of their Dom at all times, "The first thing to enter a submissive's mind when they wake is "what can i do to help Him/Her today" and the last thing through their minds when they go to sleep is the joy that they have served well." Not to mention at all times in between, too. True subs never think of themselves, ever. And as part of this confession I have to admit that I spend a great deal of time thinking about things other than Cookie. Especially first thing in the morning. Then I'm usually wondering if I'm out of Diet Dew or not.
6. I don't like pain.
"True submission means going above and beyond...giving until it hurts"... Right there- Failure.
7. Endless lists of rules and regulations don't send me into a frenzy of submissive glee.
It seems that all the True Subs have insanely long lists of rules (that they undoubtedly memorized within 13 minutes of first reading it), and they all seem to post these endless lists on their blogs to show off how their trueness can be directly correlated to the length of the rule list. Meanwhile, sad faker that I am, I only have one rule: Cookie is the Boss.
8. I don't post those "Guidelines for Subs" things that are so popular with the True Subs.
Nor have I posted and raved about the Submissives Creed, the 9 Levels of Submission, or any of the other popular writings about what makes a True Submissive. That in itself is a pretty good indicator of how not true I am. In my defense I did take that BDSM quiz... But then I laughed at the result. Oops.
9. I don't have "slavish tendencies."
I don't even know what that means. What the hell are slavish tendencies? True Subs are supposed to have them and I have no idea what they are... Just more proof that I'm not true because if I was then I would know what slavish tendencies are. I'd have been born knowing, I bet.
10. I make mock of anything that dictates what a True Submissive is.
I just can't seem to help myself because it's so silly. It's about as silly as saying "This is what makes a True Human" and then giving a list of things that only some humans like to do... Me? I think a True Human is human. I think a True Submissive submits. That's it. There's not list, no guidelines, nothing that will make some people feel superior and others feel inferior.
A True Sub submits.
That's it. If you submit, you're a True Submissive- All the other shit is just stage dressing.
Seriously, it's pretty awful.
It's so awful that you'll all probably throw virtual rocks at me and drive me from the Kinkyverse and I will become a sad outcast wandering the Vanilla cosmos alone...
I am not a True Submissive (tm).
I know, I know. Here I am claiming to be a submissive and writing this blog and I'm not even true. I'm some sort of counterfeit submissive who pales in comparison to the real thing. A knock-off. Faux.
I tried to deny the truth of the matter for a long time, but mounting evidence to the contrary makes the charade impossible to continue. I cannot live a lie any more, I am (apparently)... Not True.
Gasp!
I have to come clean, and in an effort to do so I will list my shameful faux submissive sins (in no particular order).
Squeaky's Terrible-Horrible List of Faux Submissive Sins:
1. I am not a natural submissive.
I wasn't born knowing the 128 Slave Rules, the Positions a True sub should instinctually assume, and my first words were not "Yes, Sir." Right off the bat I failed to be true. My own mother confirms this as fact by saying that I never begged for my bottle, I demanded it in a very non-submissive sort of way. Usually with angry howls and a glare. She says I was a contrary child.
2. I don't enjoy service.
Everybody knows that True Subs love serving people. Their sole purpose in life is making others happy. I knew my best friend was a True Sub when we went out to dinner and she felt compelled to begin waiting tables in order to speed up service and make the other diners happy. It wouldn't have been that bad if she hadn't done it while kneeling.
3. There is stuff I just won't do, no matter how happy it'll make my Domly One.
A true sub doesn't have limits because they trust their Dom and their Dom's happiness is the very most important thing to them ever. Domly doesn't want to eat yet? They'll wait dinner, even if the children are starving. Domly wants butt sex? Despite that recent anal fissure and bout of Ring Of Fire Diarrhea, they'll comply. A true sub will do the shit I won't which is a blatant sign of my untrueness.
4. Altruism has never held any appeal to me.
To be a true sub you really have to enjoy being a altruistic. You have to be happy serving with no positive feedback because True Subs don't need praise or rewards for a job well done. Their Dom's happiness is reward enough and if it isn't and they're unhappy then they're not really true. I personally like being told when I do something well. I like positive reinforcement. I like getting rewards... I'm so not true.
5. My Domly isn't the only thing I think of.
A true sub thinks of their Dom at all times, "The first thing to enter a submissive's mind when they wake is "what can i do to help Him/Her today" and the last thing through their minds when they go to sleep is the joy that they have served well." Not to mention at all times in between, too. True subs never think of themselves, ever. And as part of this confession I have to admit that I spend a great deal of time thinking about things other than Cookie. Especially first thing in the morning. Then I'm usually wondering if I'm out of Diet Dew or not.
6. I don't like pain.
"True submission means going above and beyond...giving until it hurts"... Right there- Failure.
7. Endless lists of rules and regulations don't send me into a frenzy of submissive glee.
It seems that all the True Subs have insanely long lists of rules (that they undoubtedly memorized within 13 minutes of first reading it), and they all seem to post these endless lists on their blogs to show off how their trueness can be directly correlated to the length of the rule list. Meanwhile, sad faker that I am, I only have one rule: Cookie is the Boss.
8. I don't post those "Guidelines for Subs" things that are so popular with the True Subs.
Nor have I posted and raved about the Submissives Creed, the 9 Levels of Submission, or any of the other popular writings about what makes a True Submissive. That in itself is a pretty good indicator of how not true I am. In my defense I did take that BDSM quiz... But then I laughed at the result. Oops.
9. I don't have "slavish tendencies."
I don't even know what that means. What the hell are slavish tendencies? True Subs are supposed to have them and I have no idea what they are... Just more proof that I'm not true because if I was then I would know what slavish tendencies are. I'd have been born knowing, I bet.
10. I make mock of anything that dictates what a True Submissive is.
I just can't seem to help myself because it's so silly. It's about as silly as saying "This is what makes a True Human" and then giving a list of things that only some humans like to do... Me? I think a True Human is human. I think a True Submissive submits. That's it. There's not list, no guidelines, nothing that will make some people feel superior and others feel inferior.
A True Sub submits.
That's it. If you submit, you're a True Submissive- All the other shit is just stage dressing.
Power Exchange Vs. Authority Exchange
When I first discovered the online kink community there was one phrase I read over and over used to describe D/s: Power Exchange.
Dominance and submission was described as an exchange of power where one partner has more power than the other in a relationship. This concept wasn't really something I thought much about because I wasn't aware that there were other terms used for the discrepancy of control people had in D/s relationships.
And honestly, it just wasn't a big deal. I wasn't actually in a relationship with a D/s dynamic (what with being married to Mr. Skim Milk and all) so it wasn't a concept I thought about- Who had more power. It didn't matter.
That changed when I met Cookie. I don't know if it had something to do with our decision to adopt a D/s dynamic in our relationship or if I was just at a point where power seemed to be a good thing to ponder, but ponder it I did and something just didn't feel right. You know that feeling, when something is just a bit off but you can't really put your finger on it? It was like that.
The vocabulary I possessed said that he had more power and I had less, but there was a problem. I didn't feel less powerful. I didn't fell that my capabilities were diminished, that I was less able to take action or make decisions... I was still a powerful person in my own right and it really didn't seem that he gained any power with our agreement, so I was at a loss.
Still not a big deal, one word didn't affect our relationship, except for the fact that it wasn't accurate to describe my experience.
Then I joined Fetlife and ran into a lady (incomparable Lucky Albatross who introduced me to this idea) who clarified this dissonance I was feeling- I believe it was in a post about who had more power, though it's been 4 years so memory may not be serving me right, and I think that what she said was something about not viewing D/s as an exchange of power, but instead viewing it as an Authority Exchange.
Instead of one partner having more power than the other, one partner had more authority than the other... For me, it was one of those light bulb moments. Here was this lady and she was putting her finger on the thing that had been bothering me. I still had all of my personal power, I was still a capable person, I was just giving my partner the authority to make decisions and assert his will.
To me this concept felt so much more accurate to describe my experience than saying that I was less powerful than my partner.
Long story short- This is why when I write I write about the Authority Exchange and not the more commonly accepted Power Exchange. I just feel that between the two words, this one is a more accurate description of the mechanism that drives D/s.
Though as an aside, I wonder why "power" was the word chosen to represent the thing that is at the core of most (if not all) D/s relationships. Think about it- it's kind of a vague word and really a bit difficult to describe when used to explain a personal relationship. It makes sense when applied to a person's ability to make people do something, like a king or the president, but that power is there because people don't really have much choice but to acquiesce - You do what you're told or you probably go to jail... In a relationship though, the Dominant partner doesn't have that power because it's a fully consensual agreement between two people whose power is equal...
I wonder why they didn't pick control, or authority right off the bat. Both of those words are (to my literal mind) more fitting.
Hmm.
...Just the stuff I think about at the end of my day, which has included at this point 2 liters of Diet Dew and 3 cupcakes from the input blog (Yeah, Cookie's slacking on his Domly Dieting Dictates. Slacker). I'm a little doofy at this point and definitely ready for sleep.
Dominance and submission was described as an exchange of power where one partner has more power than the other in a relationship. This concept wasn't really something I thought much about because I wasn't aware that there were other terms used for the discrepancy of control people had in D/s relationships.
And honestly, it just wasn't a big deal. I wasn't actually in a relationship with a D/s dynamic (what with being married to Mr. Skim Milk and all) so it wasn't a concept I thought about- Who had more power. It didn't matter.
That changed when I met Cookie. I don't know if it had something to do with our decision to adopt a D/s dynamic in our relationship or if I was just at a point where power seemed to be a good thing to ponder, but ponder it I did and something just didn't feel right. You know that feeling, when something is just a bit off but you can't really put your finger on it? It was like that.
The vocabulary I possessed said that he had more power and I had less, but there was a problem. I didn't feel less powerful. I didn't fell that my capabilities were diminished, that I was less able to take action or make decisions... I was still a powerful person in my own right and it really didn't seem that he gained any power with our agreement, so I was at a loss.
Still not a big deal, one word didn't affect our relationship, except for the fact that it wasn't accurate to describe my experience.
Then I joined Fetlife and ran into a lady (incomparable Lucky Albatross who introduced me to this idea) who clarified this dissonance I was feeling- I believe it was in a post about who had more power, though it's been 4 years so memory may not be serving me right, and I think that what she said was something about not viewing D/s as an exchange of power, but instead viewing it as an Authority Exchange.
Instead of one partner having more power than the other, one partner had more authority than the other... For me, it was one of those light bulb moments. Here was this lady and she was putting her finger on the thing that had been bothering me. I still had all of my personal power, I was still a capable person, I was just giving my partner the authority to make decisions and assert his will.
To me this concept felt so much more accurate to describe my experience than saying that I was less powerful than my partner.
Long story short- This is why when I write I write about the Authority Exchange and not the more commonly accepted Power Exchange. I just feel that between the two words, this one is a more accurate description of the mechanism that drives D/s.
Though as an aside, I wonder why "power" was the word chosen to represent the thing that is at the core of most (if not all) D/s relationships. Think about it- it's kind of a vague word and really a bit difficult to describe when used to explain a personal relationship. It makes sense when applied to a person's ability to make people do something, like a king or the president, but that power is there because people don't really have much choice but to acquiesce - You do what you're told or you probably go to jail... In a relationship though, the Dominant partner doesn't have that power because it's a fully consensual agreement between two people whose power is equal...
I wonder why they didn't pick control, or authority right off the bat. Both of those words are (to my literal mind) more fitting.
Hmm.
...Just the stuff I think about at the end of my day, which has included at this point 2 liters of Diet Dew and 3 cupcakes from the input blog (Yeah, Cookie's slacking on his Domly Dieting Dictates. Slacker). I'm a little doofy at this point and definitely ready for sleep.
Someone made a helpful list (that I eviscerated. My bad).
I like to keep up on what other people are writing about. Partly because I like getting those little glimpses into another person's head and partly because it's a good idea to know what drivel is being spewed because that shit needs to be nipped in the bud.
So this morning I hit up Google to see what's happening in the Kinkyverse. This is what I found, bold is that writer's ideology, not bold is me. Snarking. A lot. Sorry, I tried to restrain myself (well, I didn't try very hard), but a person with common sense can only take so much of this One True Way stuff before they lose their patience.
Today I will be sharing the protocols normally reserved for 24/7 submissives and slaves.
Ooo... There are protocols normally reserved for 24/7 dynamics? Do tell!
Some of these will be fairly standard and have been taken from erotic fiction but some of these are very unique to the owner and should show you that deciding what the rules and protocols are should be the owner's decision.
Your use of "taken from erotic fiction" worries me because, yanno, fiction. Plus it's doubly worrisome that you're implying that rules are set only at the D-type's discretion... Have you not heard of negotiating?
I will be breaking up the requirements in different categories and in some instances, when something is clear I will not even use further explanation. It is my hope that this guide will help you enhance your submissive or slave's service to you.
I can barely contain my anticipatory glee.
In private/ At home with no one else present:
Slave should always remove clothing as soon as she/he gets home unless Master/ Mistress has laid out clothing for the slave or submissive to wear.
Always? As in without exception? You do realize that many of us have children, live in cold climates, or just don't do that sort of thing, right?
Slave should fold clothes neatly or place them in the laundry whenever he/ she gets undressed. Ok. I can't take exception to this one, dirty clothes strewn about the house is one of my pet peeves.
The slave or submissive is to kneel in present posture whenever the Master/ Mistress is due to arrive and wait quietly.
I have no idea what this is, but I do know that being naked and kneeling around here is going to result in some uncomfortable adventures in warding off curious dogs and their wet noses... How about I remain clothed and just sit on the couch?
Whenever the Master/ Mistress is present in a room, the slave must ask permission to enter in the following fashion: "Would it please you if your slave entered the room."
I can already hear Cookie laughing. In part because he would find this silly, but mostly because he would be amused that you're dictating what his submissive must do.
The slave will kneel in the room until the Master/ Mistress gives permission that he or she may move or proceed with cleaning.
Ooo. Cleaning. I'm sure that will be the first thing on his mind if I'm nakkie and kneeling- Having me clean something.
The slave or submissive will wear and gratefully accept any toys the Master/ Mistress chooses to insert or adorn her or him with while cleaning or in any other circumstance.
Cookie hasn't given me any toys! Does this mean he's doing it wrong? Is there a committee or something I can report him to? I'm feeling rather jilted here.
The slave will not speak unless spoken to and may request an opportunity to speak if there is something pressing to discuss during those periods of time when the Master/ Mistress commands silence.
This might work if it wasn't for the fact the he tends to like my nonstop chatter. He thinks I'm amusing, which is good because I think I'm amusing too.
The slave or submissive may request an opportunity to serve the Dominant in the following way: "Would it please you to have your slave serve you?"
Again, thanks for telling someone else's s-type what they "may" do. And, you know, this is just something to think about here- But plenty of D-types don't really enjoy that whole third person slavey-wavy talk thing... Might be a good idea to admit that there's no One True Way sometime soon.
The slave does not sleep with the Master/ Mistress unless it is the express wish of the owner and then this must be seen as a privilege. It can be taken away as a form of punishment.
Like hell it is or can. We're married we sleep together no matter what. Hard limit.
Oh, just in case you forgot: S-types are allowed to have limits.
The slave or submissive will always thank the Master/ Mistress for an opportunity to serve whether it was doing a chore or being flogged.
I actually do this. But it might not count because I'm kind of sarcastic about it... He laughs though, so it's all good.
The slave will keep their eyes averted unless it is the wish of the Master/ Mistress to have their slave look them in the eyes.
There's that absolute thing again... It's getting a bit old and we're not even halfway through this list.
The slave will address the Master/ Mistress not by their first name, but by the title preferred by that dominant.
I call Cookie by his first name. I also call him Dear, Sir Pooksalot, and You Fluffy-headed Manperson. We both fail, it seems. (also, if you're wondering, a "pooka" is what my eldest twin called poop. He couldn't pronounce poop so it came out sounding like pooka. We think it's funny)
In public/ At home with others present:
A slave will receive visitors at the door with whatever clothing the Master or Mistress commanded.
Or whatever I happen to be wearing at the time. Cookie doesn't dictate my wardrobe, and has no interest in dictating my wardrobe. Funny thing- I actually have more fashion sense than he does so he wears what I lay out for him. I dictate his wardrobe.
A slave will greet visitors in whatever way the Master/ Mistress commands - this may include just taking coats and putting them away, kissing the hand of the guest or kneeling in front of them.
Yeah... No.
A slave will not refer to anyone using his or her first name. A slave will use the title Sir or Ma'am combined with their name to differentiate and to make sure that he or she remembers her or his place.
Again, no. The only person who I would ever think of using a title on is the one person I submit to and have consented to submit to- My Domly One. And my place? It's on equal footing with every other human being on this planet.
A slave will serve every person with food and drinks as requested, kneeling to each as the food or drinks are presented.
Not happening. I have bad knees. Too many years of track.
A slave will not use furniture and will kneel on the floor until her or his services are required.
Like hell I'm not going to use a couch or chair I paid for, and I'm sure as heck not kneeling on the floor with my craptastic knees.
A slave will not speak unless spoken to.
Not our kink, but thanks for telling us it should be.
A slave will remain attentive to make sure that no one has to ask for additional food or drink. A slave should be ready before the command is issued.
If I got off on service this might be fun, but I don't. I'll do what a good hostess would do but if someone other than Cookie commands me to fetch them something they're going to be booted out of my home for being a rude, insufferable twat.
A slave must use high protocol when commanded to do so. This means that the slave will not use first person language when referring to him or herself and will address everyone present with the honorific given to those free.
Oh God.
Seriously, get off Second Life. We're ALL free in case you missed that whole Slavery Being Illegal In The USA thing. And I'll use high protocol when I agree to use it, it's that whole pesky consent thing.
Bathroom training:
A slave must always ask permission before using the bathroom or taking a shower.
Not happening. I don't get off on that, Cookie doesn't want to be pestered every time I need to wee or get clean... really. Please, some time soon point out that you don't have the monopoly on how dynamics ought to run and different people will have varying degrees of interest in the things mentioned here.
The bathroom door may never be closed in private, as a slave has no right to privacy.
Ew. Gross. Seriously not happening. And my shy bladder disagrees with you.
The slave must accept it calmly when the owner decides that a bathroom break will not be allowed at that very moment.
By "calmly" I'm guessing you don't mean wee on your D-type because I have a good idea that's what would happen if Cookie had the balls to tell me I couldn't use the potty room when I needed to.
Punishment/ Discipline:
Punishment and or discipline take precedence over any other command.
Not part of our dynamic, thanks.
A slave must show gratitude for punishment and or discipline.
Must? Boy, you really like dictating what other people do in their relationships don't you?
A slave must take correction gracefully and maintain a grateful presence around the house after the fact.
And if they haven't consented to it they can file assault charges and show grace and dignity in court.
A slave must confess to disobedience and take responsibility even when the dominant is not present and beg for punishment and or discipline.
Because that sort of thinking worked so well for our parents when we were children, right? Come on.
A slave must always maintain the punishment position in these cases.
There's a position for that? Is it like bending over or something? How well does that work when the punishment is writing lines or dusting the crown molding near the ceiling?
Sexual Service:
This si where it gets really good. And by "really good" I mean that there is absolutely no nod to the importance of consent when it comes to sexual activity and the rights someone has if someone forces them to have sex against their will- Also known as rape.
The slave must be available for sexual service whenever the dominant or his guests require it.
Or his guests?
Dear reader- I want to point out something here- The fact that the person demanding service of this nature identifies as a D-type does not protect them from rape charges. If you do not consent, they have no right to expect any sexual gratification from you. This is not a "must" it is a kink that requires consent, and it is despicable that it's stated as a must.
The slave must always be ready for any form of sexual service, which would mean that her or his body must be prepared in order to make it easy for the dominant or guests to use him or her.
Some folks enjoy this sort of thing, I enjoy being available to my Domly One... But not always. Being sick, bleeding like a stuck pig, having had a horrid day- Yeah. Those don't really foster a sexy-time feeling. They do however foster a "Get the hell away from me or I'll brain you with this leaded crystal bedside lamp" feeling.
The slave will not be allowed to have an orgasm without permission.
Funny. I'm allowed to have as many orgasms as I want whenever I want. So whose rule do I listen to here? The tripe from a random One True Way blog or my Domly One's dictates?
The slave will shave any body hair and maintain this at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishment.
We don't have a punishment dynamic.
The slave will be clean and pleasant to all the senses at all times.
Does this mean I can't fart? Because that's not very realistic. Sometimes the gas has to pass.
The slave is not allowed to touch her or his owner's property without permission in any sexual way.
Oddly enough, I've never actually felt the need to molest Cookie's car or X Box until this very moment...
These are but a few of the requirements that some slaves live by.
You really should have put more emphasis on SOME because this comes across as a One True Way Manifesto with a weak ass nod to YKINMKATOK. WEAK.
The list is extensive and could be lengthened quite easily.
Because it's not long enough? Sheesh. Plenty of people don't even have rules and regulations at all much less a list like this. Cookie only has one rule. One. He's the Boss. That's it, it's his trump card, his ace in the hole. Man. He'd shit bricks if he thought he had to create, manage, and keep track of all the potential infractions a lengthy list like this could create.
It is always a good idea to have requirements regarding online privileges and privacy, interaction with others not in the lifestyle, which would include hand signals etc.
No, it's not "always" a good idea. It's a good idea if that idea appeals to the people in a dynamic.
In the end it is the decision of the dominant what this list would include.
Please. Just stop. It is also the decision of the s-type if she wants to consent to the things included in a list like this.
My dominant makes me read my list of requirements daily to ensure that I do not fail in my service to him.
Good for you. My Dominant likes me to write snarky blogs in response to other blogs written by people who don't have the common sense to realize that their verbal outpourings have consequences. He seems to think that I have some responsibility to point out to the new and uninformed that there is no right or wrong way to do this, and the only things they "must" do are those things they agree to do... Too bad more folks don't realize that fact.
So this morning I hit up Google to see what's happening in the Kinkyverse. This is what I found, bold is that writer's ideology, not bold is me. Snarking. A lot. Sorry, I tried to restrain myself (well, I didn't try very hard), but a person with common sense can only take so much of this One True Way stuff before they lose their patience.
Today I will be sharing the protocols normally reserved for 24/7 submissives and slaves.
Ooo... There are protocols normally reserved for 24/7 dynamics? Do tell!
Some of these will be fairly standard and have been taken from erotic fiction but some of these are very unique to the owner and should show you that deciding what the rules and protocols are should be the owner's decision.
Your use of "taken from erotic fiction" worries me because, yanno, fiction. Plus it's doubly worrisome that you're implying that rules are set only at the D-type's discretion... Have you not heard of negotiating?
I will be breaking up the requirements in different categories and in some instances, when something is clear I will not even use further explanation. It is my hope that this guide will help you enhance your submissive or slave's service to you.
I can barely contain my anticipatory glee.
In private/ At home with no one else present:
Slave should always remove clothing as soon as she/he gets home unless Master/ Mistress has laid out clothing for the slave or submissive to wear.
Always? As in without exception? You do realize that many of us have children, live in cold climates, or just don't do that sort of thing, right?
Slave should fold clothes neatly or place them in the laundry whenever he/ she gets undressed. Ok. I can't take exception to this one, dirty clothes strewn about the house is one of my pet peeves.
The slave or submissive is to kneel in present posture whenever the Master/ Mistress is due to arrive and wait quietly.
I have no idea what this is, but I do know that being naked and kneeling around here is going to result in some uncomfortable adventures in warding off curious dogs and their wet noses... How about I remain clothed and just sit on the couch?
Whenever the Master/ Mistress is present in a room, the slave must ask permission to enter in the following fashion: "Would it please you if your slave entered the room."
I can already hear Cookie laughing. In part because he would find this silly, but mostly because he would be amused that you're dictating what his submissive must do.
The slave will kneel in the room until the Master/ Mistress gives permission that he or she may move or proceed with cleaning.
Ooo. Cleaning. I'm sure that will be the first thing on his mind if I'm nakkie and kneeling- Having me clean something.
The slave or submissive will wear and gratefully accept any toys the Master/ Mistress chooses to insert or adorn her or him with while cleaning or in any other circumstance.
Cookie hasn't given me any toys! Does this mean he's doing it wrong? Is there a committee or something I can report him to? I'm feeling rather jilted here.
The slave will not speak unless spoken to and may request an opportunity to speak if there is something pressing to discuss during those periods of time when the Master/ Mistress commands silence.
This might work if it wasn't for the fact the he tends to like my nonstop chatter. He thinks I'm amusing, which is good because I think I'm amusing too.
The slave or submissive may request an opportunity to serve the Dominant in the following way: "Would it please you to have your slave serve you?"
Again, thanks for telling someone else's s-type what they "may" do. And, you know, this is just something to think about here- But plenty of D-types don't really enjoy that whole third person slavey-wavy talk thing... Might be a good idea to admit that there's no One True Way sometime soon.
The slave does not sleep with the Master/ Mistress unless it is the express wish of the owner and then this must be seen as a privilege. It can be taken away as a form of punishment.
Like hell it is or can. We're married we sleep together no matter what. Hard limit.
Oh, just in case you forgot: S-types are allowed to have limits.
The slave or submissive will always thank the Master/ Mistress for an opportunity to serve whether it was doing a chore or being flogged.
I actually do this. But it might not count because I'm kind of sarcastic about it... He laughs though, so it's all good.
The slave will keep their eyes averted unless it is the wish of the Master/ Mistress to have their slave look them in the eyes.
There's that absolute thing again... It's getting a bit old and we're not even halfway through this list.
The slave will address the Master/ Mistress not by their first name, but by the title preferred by that dominant.
I call Cookie by his first name. I also call him Dear, Sir Pooksalot, and You Fluffy-headed Manperson. We both fail, it seems. (also, if you're wondering, a "pooka" is what my eldest twin called poop. He couldn't pronounce poop so it came out sounding like pooka. We think it's funny)
In public/ At home with others present:
A slave will receive visitors at the door with whatever clothing the Master or Mistress commanded.
Or whatever I happen to be wearing at the time. Cookie doesn't dictate my wardrobe, and has no interest in dictating my wardrobe. Funny thing- I actually have more fashion sense than he does so he wears what I lay out for him. I dictate his wardrobe.
A slave will greet visitors in whatever way the Master/ Mistress commands - this may include just taking coats and putting them away, kissing the hand of the guest or kneeling in front of them.
Yeah... No.
A slave will not refer to anyone using his or her first name. A slave will use the title Sir or Ma'am combined with their name to differentiate and to make sure that he or she remembers her or his place.
Again, no. The only person who I would ever think of using a title on is the one person I submit to and have consented to submit to- My Domly One. And my place? It's on equal footing with every other human being on this planet.
A slave will serve every person with food and drinks as requested, kneeling to each as the food or drinks are presented.
Not happening. I have bad knees. Too many years of track.
A slave will not use furniture and will kneel on the floor until her or his services are required.
Like hell I'm not going to use a couch or chair I paid for, and I'm sure as heck not kneeling on the floor with my craptastic knees.
A slave will not speak unless spoken to.
Not our kink, but thanks for telling us it should be.
A slave will remain attentive to make sure that no one has to ask for additional food or drink. A slave should be ready before the command is issued.
If I got off on service this might be fun, but I don't. I'll do what a good hostess would do but if someone other than Cookie commands me to fetch them something they're going to be booted out of my home for being a rude, insufferable twat.
A slave must use high protocol when commanded to do so. This means that the slave will not use first person language when referring to him or herself and will address everyone present with the honorific given to those free.
Oh God.
Seriously, get off Second Life. We're ALL free in case you missed that whole Slavery Being Illegal In The USA thing. And I'll use high protocol when I agree to use it, it's that whole pesky consent thing.
Bathroom training:
A slave must always ask permission before using the bathroom or taking a shower.
Not happening. I don't get off on that, Cookie doesn't want to be pestered every time I need to wee or get clean... really. Please, some time soon point out that you don't have the monopoly on how dynamics ought to run and different people will have varying degrees of interest in the things mentioned here.
The bathroom door may never be closed in private, as a slave has no right to privacy.
Ew. Gross. Seriously not happening. And my shy bladder disagrees with you.
The slave must accept it calmly when the owner decides that a bathroom break will not be allowed at that very moment.
By "calmly" I'm guessing you don't mean wee on your D-type because I have a good idea that's what would happen if Cookie had the balls to tell me I couldn't use the potty room when I needed to.
Punishment/ Discipline:
Punishment and or discipline take precedence over any other command.
Not part of our dynamic, thanks.
A slave must show gratitude for punishment and or discipline.
Must? Boy, you really like dictating what other people do in their relationships don't you?
A slave must take correction gracefully and maintain a grateful presence around the house after the fact.
And if they haven't consented to it they can file assault charges and show grace and dignity in court.
A slave must confess to disobedience and take responsibility even when the dominant is not present and beg for punishment and or discipline.
Because that sort of thinking worked so well for our parents when we were children, right? Come on.
A slave must always maintain the punishment position in these cases.
There's a position for that? Is it like bending over or something? How well does that work when the punishment is writing lines or dusting the crown molding near the ceiling?
Sexual Service:
This si where it gets really good. And by "really good" I mean that there is absolutely no nod to the importance of consent when it comes to sexual activity and the rights someone has if someone forces them to have sex against their will- Also known as rape.
The slave must be available for sexual service whenever the dominant or his guests require it.
Or his guests?
Dear reader- I want to point out something here- The fact that the person demanding service of this nature identifies as a D-type does not protect them from rape charges. If you do not consent, they have no right to expect any sexual gratification from you. This is not a "must" it is a kink that requires consent, and it is despicable that it's stated as a must.
The slave must always be ready for any form of sexual service, which would mean that her or his body must be prepared in order to make it easy for the dominant or guests to use him or her.
Some folks enjoy this sort of thing, I enjoy being available to my Domly One... But not always. Being sick, bleeding like a stuck pig, having had a horrid day- Yeah. Those don't really foster a sexy-time feeling. They do however foster a "Get the hell away from me or I'll brain you with this leaded crystal bedside lamp" feeling.
The slave will not be allowed to have an orgasm without permission.
Funny. I'm allowed to have as many orgasms as I want whenever I want. So whose rule do I listen to here? The tripe from a random One True Way blog or my Domly One's dictates?
The slave will shave any body hair and maintain this at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishment.
We don't have a punishment dynamic.
The slave will be clean and pleasant to all the senses at all times.
Does this mean I can't fart? Because that's not very realistic. Sometimes the gas has to pass.
The slave is not allowed to touch her or his owner's property without permission in any sexual way.
Oddly enough, I've never actually felt the need to molest Cookie's car or X Box until this very moment...
These are but a few of the requirements that some slaves live by.
You really should have put more emphasis on SOME because this comes across as a One True Way Manifesto with a weak ass nod to YKINMKATOK. WEAK.
The list is extensive and could be lengthened quite easily.
Because it's not long enough? Sheesh. Plenty of people don't even have rules and regulations at all much less a list like this. Cookie only has one rule. One. He's the Boss. That's it, it's his trump card, his ace in the hole. Man. He'd shit bricks if he thought he had to create, manage, and keep track of all the potential infractions a lengthy list like this could create.
It is always a good idea to have requirements regarding online privileges and privacy, interaction with others not in the lifestyle, which would include hand signals etc.
No, it's not "always" a good idea. It's a good idea if that idea appeals to the people in a dynamic.
In the end it is the decision of the dominant what this list would include.
Please. Just stop. It is also the decision of the s-type if she wants to consent to the things included in a list like this.
My dominant makes me read my list of requirements daily to ensure that I do not fail in my service to him.
Good for you. My Dominant likes me to write snarky blogs in response to other blogs written by people who don't have the common sense to realize that their verbal outpourings have consequences. He seems to think that I have some responsibility to point out to the new and uninformed that there is no right or wrong way to do this, and the only things they "must" do are those things they agree to do... Too bad more folks don't realize that fact.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Input welcome!
I'm at a bit of a loss.
Mostly I write about things that I think are important, and a lot of that stuff is triggered when I read a forum post or stumble upon another blog, so it's all a bit random.
The thing is, I'm not sure if what I'm writing has any value to anybody beyond me... Which is pretty much cause for an existential dilemma for a writer.
So I'd like to ask for your opinions.
I'd like to know if there's anything folks think I ought to be writing about.
I'd like some input so I can do better.
If anybody's willing to help a girl out that would be awesome.
Or you know, even if you just wanted to say "hi" or talk about the weather that would be cool too. Third shift is so incredibly dull.
And if you don't want to say "hi" here, I have an email address! At least I think I do... It might be squeakings@gmail.com (Yeah, my Domly Husband Person calls my writing "squeakings". I'm not sure if I should be insulted or not).
So please, amuse me, inspire me, tell me to go to hell in a hand basket... But I'd value your input. I really, really would.
And to thank you- A picture of a cupcake I baked last night (dark chocolate cupcake with white chocolate buttercream frosting and 70% cacao dark chocolate drizzle) . Which wouldn't be nearly as nice as an actual cupcake, but it's the best I can do. Recipe available on request.
Mostly I write about things that I think are important, and a lot of that stuff is triggered when I read a forum post or stumble upon another blog, so it's all a bit random.
The thing is, I'm not sure if what I'm writing has any value to anybody beyond me... Which is pretty much cause for an existential dilemma for a writer.
So I'd like to ask for your opinions.
I'd like to know if there's anything folks think I ought to be writing about.
I'd like some input so I can do better.
If anybody's willing to help a girl out that would be awesome.
Or you know, even if you just wanted to say "hi" or talk about the weather that would be cool too. Third shift is so incredibly dull.
And if you don't want to say "hi" here, I have an email address! At least I think I do... It might be squeakings@gmail.com (Yeah, my Domly Husband Person calls my writing "squeakings". I'm not sure if I should be insulted or not).
So please, amuse me, inspire me, tell me to go to hell in a hand basket... But I'd value your input. I really, really would.
And to thank you- A picture of a cupcake I baked last night (dark chocolate cupcake with white chocolate buttercream frosting and 70% cacao dark chocolate drizzle) . Which wouldn't be nearly as nice as an actual cupcake, but it's the best I can do. Recipe available on request.
How very enlightened of you (a small rant).
There's a group of kinksters that I like to call "The Enlightened Ones."
This might sound like a flattering thing of me to say, but taking into account that I tend to be a snarky bitch and I rarely flatter anybody but Cookie... It's not. Though I guess it might be a reasonable thing to assume seeing as most folks think of being enlightened equaling a higher state of being. You know, the sort of people who are so granola-crunchy, and lovey, and forgiving, and see the good in everything, and blah blah blah... Like the Dali Lama, but better.
These people are not him.
The Enlightened Ones are the kinksters who annoyingly have claimed to have moved beyond the petty feelings of jealousy, fear, insecurity, and other human failings to have reached a nearly transcendent version of Pure Kink (tm). They're the ones who like to get up on their high horses and ride roughshod over us less evolved kinksters- The monogamous ones, the not TPE M/s ones, anybody they consider inferior because we puny mortals cannot throw aside our social trappings, or limits, or what-have-have you to reach their glorified state of being.
And you know, if they kept their enlightened drivel to themselves, I wouldn't care. But they seem to take their views as an opportunity to make themselves feel better about themselves at the expense of everybody who isn't as enlightened as they are...
You're monogamous? How sad for you that you are not able to let your loved one share themselves and their love (and naughty bits) with other people. How selfish of you for limiting their experience in the Kinkyverse! If you were as enlightened as an Elightened One you wouldn't have such immature feelings as jealousy or insecurity and you wouldn't care if your partner went out and banged every woman (or man) in a 50 mile radius... And you'd definitely realize that monogamy is just a societal norm and that nobody is really monogamous or can be truly fulfilled in a monogamous relationship. You loser.
Oh, You're not in a 24/7, TPE, M/s (+M, +s, +s) relationship? How sad for you. It must suck being so incredibly fearful that you cannot trust your partner to make every single solitary decision for you. And how pathetic you are to not be willing to hand over all authority to them, and selfish! Don't forget how selfish you're being to limit their Domly experience... We, The Enlightened Ones, are so glad to have risen above such piddling needs for autonomy, because it makes us so much more superior to you... You faker.
Yeah. The Enlightened Ones just make me want to punch a puppy in the face. Which is so very not enlightened of me, but there it is. There's just something about their smug, condescending, my-shit-reeks-of roses-and-fresh-baked-bread-and-pie BS that makes me want to do violence to small, not-fully-formed, canines (not that I ever would, I love puppies, but still). And I realize how rotten that is of me, but I can't help it (what with not being enlightened and all)... I just try to avoid baby dogs whenever I'm visiting the forums in the Kinkyverse.
So to you Enlightened Ones out there- Please think of the puppies when you feel the urge to spew your condescending drivel all over our computer screens and just don't. We're all very happy that you've reached a place of trancendant kink but if you could just keep it to yourself from now on that would be great.
The puppies and I thank you.
This might sound like a flattering thing of me to say, but taking into account that I tend to be a snarky bitch and I rarely flatter anybody but Cookie... It's not. Though I guess it might be a reasonable thing to assume seeing as most folks think of being enlightened equaling a higher state of being. You know, the sort of people who are so granola-crunchy, and lovey, and forgiving, and see the good in everything, and blah blah blah... Like the Dali Lama, but better.
These people are not him.
The Enlightened Ones are the kinksters who annoyingly have claimed to have moved beyond the petty feelings of jealousy, fear, insecurity, and other human failings to have reached a nearly transcendent version of Pure Kink (tm). They're the ones who like to get up on their high horses and ride roughshod over us less evolved kinksters- The monogamous ones, the not TPE M/s ones, anybody they consider inferior because we puny mortals cannot throw aside our social trappings, or limits, or what-have-have you to reach their glorified state of being.
And you know, if they kept their enlightened drivel to themselves, I wouldn't care. But they seem to take their views as an opportunity to make themselves feel better about themselves at the expense of everybody who isn't as enlightened as they are...
You're monogamous? How sad for you that you are not able to let your loved one share themselves and their love (and naughty bits) with other people. How selfish of you for limiting their experience in the Kinkyverse! If you were as enlightened as an Elightened One you wouldn't have such immature feelings as jealousy or insecurity and you wouldn't care if your partner went out and banged every woman (or man) in a 50 mile radius... And you'd definitely realize that monogamy is just a societal norm and that nobody is really monogamous or can be truly fulfilled in a monogamous relationship. You loser.
Oh, You're not in a 24/7, TPE, M/s (+M, +s, +s) relationship? How sad for you. It must suck being so incredibly fearful that you cannot trust your partner to make every single solitary decision for you. And how pathetic you are to not be willing to hand over all authority to them, and selfish! Don't forget how selfish you're being to limit their Domly experience... We, The Enlightened Ones, are so glad to have risen above such piddling needs for autonomy, because it makes us so much more superior to you... You faker.
Yeah. The Enlightened Ones just make me want to punch a puppy in the face. Which is so very not enlightened of me, but there it is. There's just something about their smug, condescending, my-shit-reeks-of roses-and-fresh-baked-bread-and-pie BS that makes me want to do violence to small, not-fully-formed, canines (not that I ever would, I love puppies, but still). And I realize how rotten that is of me, but I can't help it (what with not being enlightened and all)... I just try to avoid baby dogs whenever I'm visiting the forums in the Kinkyverse.
So to you Enlightened Ones out there- Please think of the puppies when you feel the urge to spew your condescending drivel all over our computer screens and just don't. We're all very happy that you've reached a place of trancendant kink but if you could just keep it to yourself from now on that would be great.
The puppies and I thank you.
BDSM "Contracts"
We use contracts quite often in the Vanilla world, pretty much anything of great importance requires one- Marriage, buying a house, car, receiving a line of credit, adopting a child or pet, getting a job, hiring someone for a job... Contracts are an important part of life, of defining our rights, responsibilities, and ensuring that we have a legal right to compensation if the other party fails to live up to their end of the deal we've made.
Looking at that, it makes sense that a lot of people put quite a bit of stock in the use of contracts for a D/s relationship- And on one hand I understand how they can be a very useful tool for defining the parameters of a relationship. A contract could be a good way to outline expectations, responsibilities, and perhaps even consequences for negative behavior, and much like in Vanilla Land they can be useful for helping to define when someone isn't holding up their end of the bargain.
I think that the negotiation phase where both parties (or all, if there's more than two people involved) hash out what they do and do not want, what will and won't work for their relationship, and what things are important enough to include in a contract can be beneficial- But that's more because of the amount of communication that needs to happen, and communication is never a bad idea.
I also think that contracts can also be a helpful tool for immersion in the D/s fantasy of being "owned" (not offence meant, but the quotation marks are there because of slavery being illegal in a great many parts of the world it's not actually possible to own someone).
Contracts can be a good thing and a beneficial thing to the people who want to use them, especially if the contract leaves some room for growth and change that may happen if the relationship or people in it grow and change. Yay, contracts!
But then there's the other hand.
That hand holds the BDSM equivalent of shady loan sharks- The D-types who take advantage of Newbies. So this is the part where I point out a few things a newbie might find helpful when considering using a contract in their relationship.
The very most important thing to point out is this: A BDSM contract IS NOT a legally binding document. It carries ABLSOLUTELY NO LEGAL AUTHORITY. It CANNOT be enforced in a court of law and there are no legal penalties for breaking a BDSM contract. NONE.
A D-type who claims that you must do something because it's "in the contract", or that you cannot leave because "it's in the contract," or any other excuse that includes "because it's in the contract," is blowing hot air.
You CAN leave.
You DO NOT have to do something you don't consent to.
This might be a deal breaker for the relationship, but he cannot haul you into court and have a judge enforce the contract. Why? Because the premise of a BDSM contract, that you belong to another human being is illegal and a contract based on an illegal activity is null and void. Beyond that- Contracts are only a tool to define the parameters of a relationship BOTH parties consent to.
You have the right to negotiate the contents of a contract.
If a D-type sets a contract in front of you and demands that you sign, you're free to do that if you choose. But if the contract includes things that you are not comfortable with, that you do not want to do, or even just thing that for some reason won't work for you, you can say "There are some things in here that we need to talk about. There are some things I'd like to change before I sign this."
Someone who says "no" to that reasonable request is someone I would cut loose because that signifies to me that they do not have my, or our best interests in mind- They're only looking at what will benefit them. And I'm just not that big on selfish people or people who would want me to do something that might cause harm to me or our relationship.
You do not have to sign a contract right away, and it's a safe bet that signing right away isn't a good idea. (Disclaimer: It can and has worked out for some folks, I'm not saying it can't, but they're the exception to the rule. They don't prove it)
Sure, after a few weeks you might think that the guy is Mr. Domly Right- The play might be awesome, he might seem like a super great guy (and he could be), but how well do you really know him?
Many folks take BDSM contracts seriously. They take the relationship their forming with another person based on the contract seriously. A decent vanilla comparison might be an engagement and marriage- It's a serious commitment to another person. Would you marry someone within a few weeks of meeting them and without knowing who they really are when the New Relationship Energy has worn off and they're not on their best behavior?
Probably not. And much like the old vanilla saying, "Marry in haste, repent at leisure" can apply to a hasty wedding, the same thing can apply to a rushed contract. So take your time, there's no rush, and anybody who tries to rush you probably isn't looking out for anybody but himself. Not a good sign.
Something else to consider when determining if including a contract in your dynamic is a good idea is starting small and leaving room for growth and change.
Starting small can be an excellent idea because it give the people involved less chance for failure. The erotic novel contract can be incredibly hot with their coverage of any possibility, 128 rules, subsections, sub paragraphs, clauses, and minute detail (that the s-type will inexplicably be capable of following with no mistakes right off the bat)... But let's try to keep things realistic.
It takes 2 months I'm told for a person to develop a habit, or to learn a new behavior, and that's all a rule is: It's learning and applying a new behavior to your life. If you learn one rule at a time it's pretty easy- If you try to learn 128 rules all at once you're bound to screw up. So start small with the rules and expectations. You can always add to the contract somewhere down the line which is easier than trying to do too much and then feeling like a failure if you become overwhelmed.
Another tip I've picked up from successful, happy D/s partners is that they leave room for growth and change in their contracts. They don't view their contract as something set in stone, but instead consider it something to be revisited on a regular basis to determine if things need to be reworked, either because something isn't working or because they're ready to add more. One couple has a "State of The Union" type meeting every 6 months to address this, and they readily admit that change happens often during those meetings.
And that's all I've got for you. I'm sure there's more that I'm missing, but I've only had one can of caffeine so far today and I might not be firing on all cylinders yet. Also, as usual, YMMV and I do not have a monopoly on The One True Way (not that I'd want one- Or wait. Maybe I do? Hmm... This requires some thought).
Looking at that, it makes sense that a lot of people put quite a bit of stock in the use of contracts for a D/s relationship- And on one hand I understand how they can be a very useful tool for defining the parameters of a relationship. A contract could be a good way to outline expectations, responsibilities, and perhaps even consequences for negative behavior, and much like in Vanilla Land they can be useful for helping to define when someone isn't holding up their end of the bargain.
I think that the negotiation phase where both parties (or all, if there's more than two people involved) hash out what they do and do not want, what will and won't work for their relationship, and what things are important enough to include in a contract can be beneficial- But that's more because of the amount of communication that needs to happen, and communication is never a bad idea.
I also think that contracts can also be a helpful tool for immersion in the D/s fantasy of being "owned" (not offence meant, but the quotation marks are there because of slavery being illegal in a great many parts of the world it's not actually possible to own someone).
Contracts can be a good thing and a beneficial thing to the people who want to use them, especially if the contract leaves some room for growth and change that may happen if the relationship or people in it grow and change. Yay, contracts!
But then there's the other hand.
That hand holds the BDSM equivalent of shady loan sharks- The D-types who take advantage of Newbies. So this is the part where I point out a few things a newbie might find helpful when considering using a contract in their relationship.
The very most important thing to point out is this: A BDSM contract IS NOT a legally binding document. It carries ABLSOLUTELY NO LEGAL AUTHORITY. It CANNOT be enforced in a court of law and there are no legal penalties for breaking a BDSM contract. NONE.
A D-type who claims that you must do something because it's "in the contract", or that you cannot leave because "it's in the contract," or any other excuse that includes "because it's in the contract," is blowing hot air.
You CAN leave.
You DO NOT have to do something you don't consent to.
This might be a deal breaker for the relationship, but he cannot haul you into court and have a judge enforce the contract. Why? Because the premise of a BDSM contract, that you belong to another human being is illegal and a contract based on an illegal activity is null and void. Beyond that- Contracts are only a tool to define the parameters of a relationship BOTH parties consent to.
You have the right to negotiate the contents of a contract.
If a D-type sets a contract in front of you and demands that you sign, you're free to do that if you choose. But if the contract includes things that you are not comfortable with, that you do not want to do, or even just thing that for some reason won't work for you, you can say "There are some things in here that we need to talk about. There are some things I'd like to change before I sign this."
Someone who says "no" to that reasonable request is someone I would cut loose because that signifies to me that they do not have my, or our best interests in mind- They're only looking at what will benefit them. And I'm just not that big on selfish people or people who would want me to do something that might cause harm to me or our relationship.
You do not have to sign a contract right away, and it's a safe bet that signing right away isn't a good idea. (Disclaimer: It can and has worked out for some folks, I'm not saying it can't, but they're the exception to the rule. They don't prove it)
Sure, after a few weeks you might think that the guy is Mr. Domly Right- The play might be awesome, he might seem like a super great guy (and he could be), but how well do you really know him?
Many folks take BDSM contracts seriously. They take the relationship their forming with another person based on the contract seriously. A decent vanilla comparison might be an engagement and marriage- It's a serious commitment to another person. Would you marry someone within a few weeks of meeting them and without knowing who they really are when the New Relationship Energy has worn off and they're not on their best behavior?
Probably not. And much like the old vanilla saying, "Marry in haste, repent at leisure" can apply to a hasty wedding, the same thing can apply to a rushed contract. So take your time, there's no rush, and anybody who tries to rush you probably isn't looking out for anybody but himself. Not a good sign.
Something else to consider when determining if including a contract in your dynamic is a good idea is starting small and leaving room for growth and change.
Starting small can be an excellent idea because it give the people involved less chance for failure. The erotic novel contract can be incredibly hot with their coverage of any possibility, 128 rules, subsections, sub paragraphs, clauses, and minute detail (that the s-type will inexplicably be capable of following with no mistakes right off the bat)... But let's try to keep things realistic.
It takes 2 months I'm told for a person to develop a habit, or to learn a new behavior, and that's all a rule is: It's learning and applying a new behavior to your life. If you learn one rule at a time it's pretty easy- If you try to learn 128 rules all at once you're bound to screw up. So start small with the rules and expectations. You can always add to the contract somewhere down the line which is easier than trying to do too much and then feeling like a failure if you become overwhelmed.
Another tip I've picked up from successful, happy D/s partners is that they leave room for growth and change in their contracts. They don't view their contract as something set in stone, but instead consider it something to be revisited on a regular basis to determine if things need to be reworked, either because something isn't working or because they're ready to add more. One couple has a "State of The Union" type meeting every 6 months to address this, and they readily admit that change happens often during those meetings.
And that's all I've got for you. I'm sure there's more that I'm missing, but I've only had one can of caffeine so far today and I might not be firing on all cylinders yet. Also, as usual, YMMV and I do not have a monopoly on The One True Way (not that I'd want one- Or wait. Maybe I do? Hmm... This requires some thought).
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