Asking for Aftercare

Yesterday a post was started in one of the groups I frequent- Girl meets boy, girl and boy decide to play, due to life butting in play had to be cut short, boy left. Such is life.

The OP stated that the play was good, the guy was thoughtful and considerate, but she was left feeling a bit down because there was no aftercare and she was wondering how to communicate this issue without seeming needy. Fair enough.

Advise was supplied by group members and all was OK with the world... Except it wasn't because the quote below popped up in reference to people asking if the OP had told the Dom that she might need aftercare. And then she got a bit perturbed that people thought she should have told him about her need for aftercare before they played. Then OP got angry with the group members and at the poor guy she played with. All was NOT ok with the world... Anyways, the quote-

"Really people? She should have to communicate what her needs are for aftercare? How about the dominant asking BEFORE and AFTER play how she feels about those things? This is what I call responsibility and maturity."

It kind of blew my mind that someone was getting offended because people had dared to suggest that the OP had some responsibility to ensure her needs would be met. Ok. It didn't actually blow my mind because for some reason a lot of people genuinely believe that D-types should bear ALL of the responsibility for safety/aftercare/communication/etc, and that submissives don't have to do anything to ensure those things happen or are taken care of.

Listen, I know it's a great fantasy that this perfect Domly Person is going to wander along and he's going to instinctively know everything that you need/want/whatever... But it's a fantasy. It's not real life. Unless you talk about your needs that D-type you're talking to or playing with will not know about them.

And even with a subject as common as aftercare? It's not a given. Not everybody plays to the point where they might need it, not everybody drops, and some of the people who do drop? They prefer to provide their own aftercare. If the guy you're playing with has only ever played with people who don't drop or has played with people who prefer to see to their own aftercare, it's a bit unreasonable to assume that he's going to know that you might need it.

And yes, in a perfect world every Dominant would have an extensive talk with someone he's thinking about playing with about what their needs are- But on the flip side, every submissive would also be insisting that talk happen before they play... And if like the OP of the post that triggered this bloggy thing, you forgot to mention it?

Well, you'd make sure to mention it before you played again, and you wouldn't hold the guy responsible for not knowing about something you didn't communicate to him. Getting mad at the guy is about as silly as getting mad at your mom for making you spaghetti for your birthday dinner when you really wanted mashed taters and roast beef, but you didn't tell her that...

It's your responsibility to see that your needs are met, nobody else's. So if you want aftercare, or if you're not sure, then tell your partner that. Communicate with them. It's very easy to say, "I need aftercare," or "I might need aftercare."

Problem solved.