When I first discovered the online kink community there was one phrase I read over and over used to describe D/s: Power Exchange.
Dominance and submission was described as an exchange of power where one partner has more power than the other in a relationship. This concept wasn't really something I thought much about because I wasn't aware that there were other terms used for the discrepancy of control people had in D/s relationships.
And honestly, it just wasn't a big deal. I wasn't actually in a relationship with a D/s dynamic (what with being married to Mr. Skim Milk and all) so it wasn't a concept I thought about- Who had more power. It didn't matter.
That changed when I met Cookie. I don't know if it had something to do with our decision to adopt a D/s dynamic in our relationship or if I was just at a point where power seemed to be a good thing to ponder, but ponder it I did and something just didn't feel right. You know that feeling, when something is just a bit off but you can't really put your finger on it? It was like that.
The vocabulary I possessed said that he had more power and I had less, but there was a problem. I didn't feel less powerful. I didn't fell that my capabilities were diminished, that I was less able to take action or make decisions... I was still a powerful person in my own right and it really didn't seem that he gained any power with our agreement, so I was at a loss.
Still not a big deal, one word didn't affect our relationship, except for the fact that it wasn't accurate to describe my experience.
Then I joined Fetlife and ran into a lady (incomparable Lucky Albatross who introduced me to this idea) who clarified this dissonance I was feeling- I believe it was in a post about who had more power, though it's been 4 years so memory may not be serving me right, and I think that what she said was something about not viewing D/s as an exchange of power, but instead viewing it as an Authority Exchange.
Instead of one partner having more power than the other, one partner had more authority than the other... For me, it was one of those light bulb moments. Here was this lady and she was putting her finger on the thing that had been bothering me. I still had all of my personal power, I was still a capable person, I was just giving my partner the authority to make decisions and assert his will.
To me this concept felt so much more accurate to describe my experience than saying that I was less powerful than my partner.
Long story short- This is why when I write I write about the Authority Exchange and not the more commonly accepted Power Exchange. I just feel that between the two words, this one is a more accurate description of the mechanism that drives D/s.
Though as an aside, I wonder why "power" was the word chosen to represent the thing that is at the core of most (if not all) D/s relationships. Think about it- it's kind of a vague word and really a bit difficult to describe when used to explain a personal relationship. It makes sense when applied to a person's ability to make people do something, like a king or the president, but that power is there because people don't really have much choice but to acquiesce - You do what you're told or you probably go to jail... In a relationship though, the Dominant partner doesn't have that power because it's a fully consensual agreement between two people whose power is equal...
I wonder why they didn't pick control, or authority right off the bat. Both of those words are (to my literal mind) more fitting.
Hmm.
...Just the stuff I think about at the end of my day, which has included at this point 2 liters of Diet Dew and 3 cupcakes from the input blog (Yeah, Cookie's slacking on his Domly Dieting Dictates. Slacker). I'm a little doofy at this point and definitely ready for sleep.
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