BDSM "Contracts"

We use contracts quite often in the Vanilla world, pretty much anything of great importance requires one- Marriage, buying a house, car, receiving a line of credit, adopting a child or pet, getting a job, hiring someone for a job... Contracts are an important part of life, of defining our rights, responsibilities, and ensuring that we have a legal right to compensation if the other party fails to live up to their end of the deal we've made.

Looking at that, it makes sense that a lot of people put quite a bit of stock in the use of contracts for a D/s relationship- And on one hand I understand how they can be a very useful tool for defining the parameters of a relationship. A contract could be a good way to outline expectations, responsibilities, and perhaps even consequences for negative behavior, and  much like in Vanilla Land they can be useful for helping to define when someone isn't holding up their end of the bargain.

I think that the negotiation phase where both parties (or all, if there's more than two people involved) hash out what they do and do not want, what will and won't work for their relationship, and what things are important enough to include in a contract can be beneficial- But that's more because of the amount of communication that needs to happen, and communication is never a bad idea.

I also think that contracts can also be a helpful tool for immersion in the D/s fantasy of being "owned" (not offence meant, but the quotation marks are there because of slavery being illegal in a great many parts of the world it's not actually possible to own someone).

Contracts can be a good thing and a beneficial thing to the people who want to use them, especially if the contract leaves some room for growth and change that may happen if the relationship or people in it grow and change. Yay, contracts!

But then there's the other hand.
That hand holds the BDSM equivalent of shady loan sharks- The D-types who take advantage of Newbies. So this is the part where I point out a few things a newbie might find helpful when considering using a contract in their relationship.

The very most important thing to point out is this: A BDSM contract IS NOT a legally binding document. It carries ABLSOLUTELY NO LEGAL AUTHORITY. It CANNOT be enforced in a court of law and there are no legal penalties for breaking a BDSM contract. NONE.

A D-type who claims that you must do something because it's "in the contract", or that you cannot leave because "it's in the contract," or any other excuse that includes "because it's in the contract," is blowing hot air.

You CAN leave.
You DO NOT have to do something you don't consent to.

This might be a deal breaker for the relationship, but he cannot haul you into court and have a judge enforce the contract. Why? Because the premise of a BDSM contract, that you belong to another human being is illegal and a contract based on an illegal activity is null and void. Beyond that- Contracts are only a tool to define the parameters of a relationship BOTH parties consent to.

You have the right to negotiate the contents of a contract.

If a D-type sets a contract in front of you and demands that you sign, you're free to do that if you choose. But if the contract includes things that you are not comfortable with, that you do not want to do, or even just thing that for some reason won't work for you, you can say "There are some things in here that we need to talk about. There are some things I'd like to change before I sign this."

Someone who says "no" to that reasonable request is someone I would cut loose because that signifies to me that they do not have my, or our best interests in mind- They're only looking at what will benefit them. And I'm just not that big on selfish people or people who would want me to do something that might cause harm to me or our relationship.

You do not have to sign a contract right away, and it's a safe bet that signing right away isn't a good idea. (Disclaimer: It can and has worked out for some folks, I'm not saying it can't, but they're the exception to the rule. They don't prove it)

Sure, after a few weeks you might think that the guy is Mr. Domly Right- The play might be awesome, he might seem like a super great guy (and he could be), but how well do you really know him?

Many folks take BDSM contracts seriously. They take the relationship their forming with another person based on the contract seriously. A decent vanilla comparison might be an engagement and marriage- It's a serious commitment to another person. Would you marry someone within a few weeks of meeting them and without knowing who they really are when the New Relationship Energy has worn off and they're not on their best behavior?

Probably not. And much like the old vanilla saying, "Marry in haste, repent at leisure" can apply to a hasty wedding, the same thing can apply to a rushed contract. So take your time, there's no rush, and anybody who tries to rush you probably isn't looking out for anybody but himself. Not a good sign.

Something else to consider when determining if including a contract in your dynamic is a good idea is starting small and leaving room for growth and change.

Starting small can be an excellent idea because it give the people involved less chance for failure. The erotic novel contract can be incredibly hot with their coverage of any possibility, 128 rules, subsections, sub paragraphs, clauses, and minute detail (that the s-type will inexplicably be capable of following with no mistakes right off the bat)... But let's try to keep things realistic.

It takes 2 months I'm told for a person to develop a habit, or to learn a new behavior, and that's all a rule is: It's learning and applying a new behavior to your life. If you learn one rule at a time it's pretty easy- If you try to learn 128 rules all at once you're bound to screw up. So start small with the rules and expectations. You can always add to the contract somewhere down the line which is easier than trying to do too much and then feeling like a failure if you become overwhelmed.

Another tip I've picked up from successful, happy D/s partners is that they leave room for growth and change in their contracts. They don't view their contract as something set in stone, but instead consider it something to be revisited on a regular basis to determine if things need to be reworked, either because something isn't working or because they're ready to add more. One couple has a "State of The Union" type meeting every 6 months to address this, and they readily admit that change happens often during those meetings.


And that's all I've got for you. I'm sure there's more that I'm missing, but I've only had one can of caffeine so far today and I might not be firing on all cylinders yet. Also, as usual, YMMV and I do not have a monopoly on The One True Way (not that I'd want one- Or wait. Maybe I do? Hmm... This requires some thought).