A (red) flag on the field.

So what is a "Red Flag"?
A red flag is a term used to indicate that someone's behavior is shady or just plain unacceptable, that it's abusive or bordering abuse. It's a term you'll often see bandied about online in forums devoted to BDSM, Kink, or D/s relationships. Sometimes when someone tosses a flag on the field of play there's a good reason, but often times the flag-tosser is being an alarmist. That's the thing about red flags, they're sometimes subjective. I'll leave it to you to decide.

These are some of the most common issues that raise a "red flag" with most people- Sometimes they're cause for valid concern, or sometimes they're just the way tow people interact in a healthy way.

　
1) Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community.
This one is typically a classic sign of an abuser. If your support network no longer exists then you're less likely to leave the abuser or seek help. Keeping you isolated keeps you dependent on the abuser.
Of course, if you tend to be a loner, or you and your partner are just home-bodies who are happiest in each other's company... What could look like a red flag to anybody outside your relationship may be just the way you function best. Some people do not need many people around them.

2) Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
This one is subjective to interpretation. Sure, he might be hiding something from you, or he might just be a private person. This is an instance where only time, his words, and actions will tell. If enough time passes where you would usually expect a person you're trying to get to know to share certain details of their life with you, and he's still being evasive about who he (or she) is... It may be time to rethink the whole "getting to know you" thing.

 3) Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.
Not a red flag to me. It might be nice if you can talk to a potential dominant's ex subs and friends, but some folks are loners and others like their privacy or have issues with a potential partner talking to an ex. Some dominants don't have past partners to talk to.
I feel that this is an issue that can often be over-come by spending time with that person and communicating with them.

 4) Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
On one hand I can see how it might rub someone the wrong way if you want to talk to their ex subs about them or if you start poking around and talking to the community about them... But on the other hand, what's the big deal about it if you're open and honest about what you need to know to feel comfortable and they have nothing to hide?

 5) Is inconsistent with details about themselves.
This one would set my alarm bells ringing. If one day he's a CEO and a week later he's a Football Star? If one day he has 2 submissives and the next day he's suddenly monogamous? Consistency builds trust, I'd have a hard time trusting someone who couldn't keep their facts about themselves straight.

 6) Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
This depends entirely on what both parties consider an appropriate time. Some people will give you everything but their social security number on a first date, others keep those things to themselves for months.

 7) Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
For a long time I was a night owl and the only time people could reliably get hold of me was late at night and I would get peevish when they called me during the day (I was sleeping and I'm never nice when I'm woken out of a sound sleep). Of course if you get the feeling that the strange hours are because he's married and being shady, then you ought to pay attention to your gut.

 8)Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.
I criticize the community at times, there's a lot of drama and politics that happen which is slightly annoying if you're not into that sort of thing. That, and some people don't care to belong to a "community", they're happy doing their own thing.

 9) Consistently breaks promises.
Once in a while with good reason? Sure. But consistently? That's a wee bit on this side of shady.

 10) Always finds excuses for not meeting real time.
This is usually a good sign that someone is not who they say they are.

 11) Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
Everybody shifts the blame occasionally, but nobody does it all the time. Someone who is shifting the blame to others on a regular basis makes me think that they have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions and can often be a set-up for the all-too-common "I didn't want to hit you, but you made me do it" line.

 12) Does not take personal responsibility.
I don't know if it's a red flag, but that is a sign of someone I wouldn't want to be involved with.

 13) Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
Plenty of people are estranged from their family for one reason or another, this isn't always a sign of a potential abuser.

 14) Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.
If they're not respecting your limits, they're not respecting you.

 15) Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
See above. Respect is an important part of any relationship as is being able to trust that someone will be able to stick with agreements they've made.

 16) Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
It could mean that they're a bad person looking to take advantage of a newbie's naiveté by rushing them into a relationship before they have time to discover themselves or do any learning on their own... Or, they could just be a bit too enthusiastic.

 17) Swears undying love before even meeting you.
Not very realistic, and perhaps a bit clingy, but abusive?

 18 Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
Hiding is the red flag here. If you have a simple question that needs a simple answer and the Dominant claims you can't question him because he's the Dom and always right.... That's not conducive to a healthy relationship.

 19) Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a "True" sub.
Guilt is bad. Making someone feel guilty on purpose is mean. Whipping out the word "true" to make you feel bad about yourself is pretty shitty. Sadly, this is a fairly common tactic for predators and abusers to use, they count on a newbie's guilt or insecurity to over-ride their common sense.

 20) Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name calling and blame.
At some point most people will lose their temper and say things they regret, I think the difference between an average person and an abuser is that with abusers it happens far more frequently and it's not just a not-nice thing said in the heat of passion- It's something purposefully designed to wound their partner.

 21) Puts you down in front of other people.
If it's a consensual fetish, it's all good. If it's mean-spirited, then that's a red flag to me.

 22) Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.If they could do it to a friend, they can and will do it to you. This speaks to a lack of loyalty. Of course, the thing this flag doesn't address is what might have the friend done to garner such a reaction? Did the friend borrow a lighter and forget to return it or did they kill the person's dog?

 23) Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
Stress can make people react in inappropriate ways, but if there's a consistent pattern of unpredictable behavior you might want to question what the cause of it is.

 24) Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
I tend to categorize people who lack basic manners and courtesy as inept jerks, I don't know if that makes them abusers though.

 25) Lies or withholds information. Cheats on you or is overly jealous.
The first part of this is a red flag because to me dishonesty is a red flag. The second? Who is defining overly jealous? Cookie tends to be jealous, and I'm OK with that- Some of my friends might consider it "overly" jealous, but I don't...

26) Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
Some people think that planning to far ahead is asking fate to throw a monkey wrench in their relationship's inner workings. But if you ask why they won't discuss the future and they don't have a good answer it could be cause for concern.

 27) Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
I feel that this is just paranoid silliness.

 28)Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
For me this is a bad sign. People who care about you will care about your rights, feelings, and opinions.

 29) Belittles your ideas.
Not necessarily a red flag, some people have silly ideas and need to know it's a silly idea. But there's a difference in saying to someone, "I don't think that's the best idea" and saying "That's a stupid idea and you're stupid for having it."

 30) Blames you for your hurt feelings.
For me this would depend on what caused the hurt feelings? Was it something he did, am I over-reacting, there are a few factors that might make this a molehill instead of a mountain.

 31) Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
A vast majority of the time it's not a good idea to become involved with someone who is currently an addict. I feel this way because in BDSM a great deal of what it is that we do revolves around control and self-control; abusing substances is not conducive to remaining in control of one's self.

 32) Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.
This is shady behavior in my book, unless there is a legitimate reason for it. It's up to you to decide what a legitimate reason is.

 33) Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
Why are they doing this? Is it a genuine cry for help or is it manipulative? "I'm so sad that I want to kill myself" could be someone asking for help or it could be someone exhibiting attention-seeking behavior. "If you don't gang-bang the local football team I'll kill myself" is an entirely different matter.

 34) Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
I really have nothing to say about this, do you?

 35) Wants control of your money or finances and you are not living together.
When not living together? I would say that this is a bad idea unless you have very good reason to believe that this person will, without a doubt, act in your best interests.

 36) ONLY interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role- playing.
What if that is what the other person wants, too? Not all D/s or M/s relationships are 24/7. Some are bedroom only. Some relationships are based on kinky role-playing.

 37) Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
Some people don't want to include vanilla life in their play, so long as both partners are OK with this decision I don't see why it's wrong.

 38 Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
Some people don't display many emotions, this doesn't mean they're always a bad person for doing so it just means they might not comfortable letting you see that part of them.

 39) Has multiple online identities for interacting within the same communities.
This could be shady or it could have a logical explanation behind it. I use two online identities- This one for writing and another one for the two kinky sites I belong to. It's not devious, I just needed a better nom de plume than Cookie's squeaky for a blogger account.

 40) Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
Without explanation is the key phrase here. If someone drops off the radar it's generally considered nice to answer why that happened, if there's no explanation though that could be an indicator that they might be up to no good.

 41) Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
If that's an agreed part of your dynamic, that's fine. If he's doing it because he's paranoid and doesn't trust you that's a different matter and might be worth having a discussion about.

 42) You cannot make friends or talk to others without his permission.
This is sometimes a valid part of other's dynamics. But if the dominant is insisting on it and you're not comfortable with it...

 43) Charm is not a character trait it is a developed skill used to make others feel comfortable in your company and drop their guard
This is just horse droppings.

　
So, as you can see red flags are open to interpretation, they're subjective. If you're feeling safe, happy and fulfilled in your relationship then what someone else might see as a red flag might just be an agreed upon rule or a request from your partner. But still, as silly as some "red flags" might seem, it's not a bad idea to be aware of certain things and keep your eyes open.