Submissive FAQs

Before I get started I'd like to take a minute to point out that although these might be some of the more common questions I've seen regarding submission, my answers might not be all that common, they might not work for you, and they are in no way meant to be seen as the "True" way of doing things. They're just my opinions, take what might work for you and leave what doesn't.

Is this normal?My best friend's grandma used to say that normal was only a setting on a washing machine. Beyond washing machines there's really no such thing as "normal" because we're all unique individuals. A better question to ask might be "Am I making a choice that is good for me?" If you're exploring submission because it feels right for you, if you enjoy the idea of it, if it makes you happy and fulfills you, then you are most likely making a good choice.
 What about feminism?Many people will equate submission with being anti-feminist. To me that's just not the case. The way I figure it is that our mothers, grandmothers and great-grandmothers fought so that we could have the right to choose the path that would give us the most happiness instead of being trapped in a life that didn't fulfill us. They might have fought so that we could grow up to be CEOs, lawyers, politicians, and doctors, we have those opportunities open to us thanks to them, but just because that option is there now doesn't mean we have to take it. Or if we do take it, it doesn't mean that in our private life we can't let someone else take the wheel and steer (so to speak). If you take the path that makes you happy then you're thanking all the women who came before us for giving you the freedom to make that decision for yourself.
 I'm really outgoing and a take-charge kind of person, how can I be submissive?Submission is just another way that we relate to people... It's another facet of ourselves. And nobody is only one thing, all of the time. We're slightly different in different circumstances depending on the people who are around us. If you're loud and out-going with your friends that doesn't mean you can't be quiet and polite around your grandparents. If you're a take-no-prisoners boss at work that doesn't mean you can't cuddle up with your kids at home and read them Goodnight Moon. So just because you're outgoing and take-charge most of the time doesn't mean that you cannot relate to another person in a submissive way.
 Do I have to submit to everybody who calls themselves a dominant?No! You only submit to the people you choose to submit to. Much like how you wouldn't let some random guy on the street walk up to you and start calling you and treating you like his girlfriend, you wouldn't let some random dominant person walk up to you and start bossing you around. If a random guy tries to make you submit to them when you don't want to you have every right to tell them to get lost. We're not just something a guy can pick up off a shelf and own. Most of the ladies I know put it this way, "I might be a submissive but I'm not YOUR submissive."
 What is a collar?As you explore and become more familiar with the practices of other kinky folks, you'll notice that some submissives refer to themselves as "collared." Usually that means that that person is in a committed relationship with their dominant, the collar is just a symbol of that commitment.
Collars can also be something other than an accessory worn around the neck- Some people I know use a ring, a bracelet, an anklet, or a necklace, especially if they're out in public and don't want to get odd looks from vanilla people who don't understand D/s.
Also, not all collars mean the same thing. Some collars can have the kinky significance of a vanilla wedding band, but not all do. Some people wear a collar as a part of play, because they like how it looks, or because it gives them a tickle in their potty.
 How do I become a TRUE submissive?"True" is a word you're going to stumble across a lot as you explore and learn more about D/s and I want to tell you right now that there is NO SUCH THING AS "TRUE" IN D/s. Really, there's not. Why not? Because there is no one right way to do this thing we do. There's no rule book for everybody to follow, there's no test to pass, most of us are making it up as we go along and learns what does, and does not, work for us.
Some people who use the word true just don't know any better, but a lot of them use it as a way to make themselves feel better than others ("I'm a true submissive, I was trained by master Wannabedom! I'm so awesome and you're not! Neener!"), or to make you feel bad about yourself so you'll do something for them ("Oh, well if you were a true submissive you would lick my boots clean and grovel at my feet because I am Mr. Super Uber Domly Man!").
The same thing applies to words like:
Real
Right
Wrong
Perfect
Proper
Etc... I'm sure you get the picture. There are no absolutes in general D/s. There's no right or wrong way to do this. The only thing that is important is being true to yourself.
 W/why do P/people talk like T/this online?Because they're silly?
No, seriously, it's a way some people show "respect" for others if they're typing in mixed company (Doms and subs). It's called "slashy-speak" and it's annoying and slightly painful to read. If you want to do it you can, but there is no rule that says you have to.

Do I have to call every Dominant by some title ( Your Domliness, Sir, Master, Lord High Fluffybutt)? Because I tend to be a lazy git sometimes, I'm going to copy and paste something I wrote about my opinion on titles, you can make of it what you will, and decide if you want to use titles when talking to random Dominants.

What do you wish you had known when you were starting out?Everything that I'm writing about here. I had so many questions and there were so few people with answers I could relate to. Everything was an absolute and there didn't seem to be a place for me to fit in. I felt like a round peg that was trying to squish itself into a square hole. I wish I'd had someone to tell me that what I was feeling was normal, that it was OK, and that I didn't have to be anybody but myself.

In D/s who is really has the power?
Some people argue that the Dominant obviously has the power, some state the submissive has the ultimate power because she can stop everything with her safe word. My take is that BOTH parties have an equal amount of power.
A Dominant cannot dominate without a submissive partner, and a submissive cannot submit without a Dominant. Both parties have equal power in the relationship because both parties need to be in agreement for the relationship to work.

 Is submission a gift?
There are submissives who view their submission as a gift and they have every right to view it as one if that's what floats their boat.
I'm not the kind of submissive that sees submission as a gift. I also don't see any of my other personality traits as gifts either. Just because I give someone some part of myself, submission, friendliness, love, what not and what have you... It doesn't make it a gift in my eyes, it's just part of interacting with others.

 What, exactly, is "Funishment"?
"Funishment" is a kind of play where the submissive pretends to be "bad" so that the Dominant will "punish" them. Unlike real punishment, which is used to correct an unwanted behavior, "Funishment" is strictly for enjoyment. It's like playing the naughty school girl who hasn't finished her assignment and will now be "punished" for her infraction. The "punishment" is something desired, for fun. Thus the term Funishment.

 What is a switch?
A switch is somebody who enjoys Dominating others and submitting to others. They're people who live in both worlds, usually not at the same time. 

 Can love be part of a D/s dynamic?
If you want to have love in your dynamic, then yes, it is entirely possible to find a Dominant partner who will love you.
On the other hand, if you're not interested in having love with your kink that's a possibility as well.

 Is it possible to balance submission and independence?
Absolutely. You decide how much authority you want to give your partner and how much independence you want to keep. 

 Because of medical/physical issues I can't do something, can I still be a submissive?
There are a lot of submissives who have medical issues or physical issues that prevent them from performing activities that are often considered must-have or must-do for submissive women... They get along just fine with their Dominants who accept that they're human and they have limitations.

 Do I have to use a "slave name" or "submissive name" or "scene name"?
Nope. If you're name is Amanda, and you want everybody to call you Amanda, then you are more than welcome to use Amanda. It is your name after all (only applicable for women actually named Amanda).

 Erm... I played rough last night and today I have a doctor's appointment...
No worries. You might feel bashful about marks from play but your doctor has probably seen marks on patients a jillion times or so (give or take a few million depending on how long your Dr has been in practice). Just let the Doc know that the play that caused the marks was consensual and you should be golden.

Do all slave/submissive relationships have aspects of scene playing in them?
No, I wouldn't think that ALL dynamics have a play aspect to them, because not all dynamics are the same. While I suspect that a good many dynamics have some play aspect to them (play is fun after all) it's not necessary for a D/s relationship to include play.

 How do I tell my (a) Dominant that I want to try something that I find interesting when I feel embarrassed or shy when it comes to talking about it?
I really hate that feeling, don't you? There are times when I'm very interested in something but telling when it comes to telling Cookie about it I freeze up because I don't want him to think I'm just too freaky-deaky.
What works for me in this case is posing the desired thing as a hypothetical, I write about it in a story or I say, "One of my friends likes this thing, what do you think about this thing?" If there's a positive response it helps me feel more secure about discussing it with him.

 I'm jonesing for the sexing, but how do I initiate sex with my Dominant?
Ask him. Really, there's nothing wrong with saying "I would really enjoy it if we could have some sexy together time." He might say no, but asking is better than not asking and feeling resentful about wanting and not receiving.

 Does a Dominant ever need to say that he's sorry?
The idea that just because someone identifies as a Dominant that they never need to apologize for a mistake is bunk. Mistakes happen and if "sorry" is what it takes to make it right, then suck it up and make it right. It's called common courtesy and it applies to everybody no matter what they identify as.

 My Dominant wants me to give the best BJ/handjob/scromping ever in the history of mankind, how do I do that?
The easiest way to blow his mind is by knowing what he likes, and if you want to know what he likes then you need to ask him. It takes the guess work out of BJs and other sexy fun time things when you just ask what your partner prefers.

 Is there a "right" thing to call my Dom?
The only right thing to call him is what he prefers. Not all Dominants like the same title or term of affection, while mine might be happy being called "Cookie," "The Boss," or "Sir Pooksalot" yours might not dig that quite as much.

 Is there a time frame for being offered a collar?
Nope, there's not. It's a lot like getting engaged or getting married, people have different ideas about when is the correct time to do those things and their ideas might not be your idea. So it's a good thing it doesn't have to be. Some Dominants will get right to it and collar a sub quickly, others will want to take their time about it, and still more don't even think it's important and they'll never do it.

 I have a hard time orgasming or I've never had an orgasm, does that make me less of a sub?
NO! Your ability to orgasm has nothing to do with how submissive you are. The plain, simple truth of the matter is not all women can orgasm or orgasm quickly. 

 Can I learn to orgasm on command?
It's kind of sad, but men who watch porn often get it into heir heads that all women have this amazing, super power-esque ability to orgasm on command of squirt like a Super Soaker. While it can be done it's often not an easy process and takes a lot of time, dedication, and patience. Cumming on command is a neat trick, but that's all it is- A trick that you might be able to learn.

 If I ask my partner to do something is that Topping From The Bottom?
I think it depends on how you ask. If you're open and honest, I don't see a problem with asking to have your wants met. To me Topping From The Bottom is more of a manipulative thing where the submissive is trying to control the action.

 My partner is vanilla, how can I introduce them to kink?
If you've just discovered D/s and you're rather excited about it you're probably eager to share this shiny, new thing with your partner. That's cool. But there's a way to do it and a way to do it and make a muck out of things.
When introducing a vanilla partner to kink you'll want to take things slow. Making the kink fun can be helpful too because who doesn't like to do things that are fun?. Perhaps you could make a bet over the outcome of something- "Hey, If the Bears win the Super Bowl I want to play Master of the Universe and his happy slave girl for an evening." Then after a few days pass you could tell your partner, "You know, I really enjoyed our play the other night. What did you think about it?" You've then let him know that you liked what you guys did and you're opening up the lines of communication.
If you get lucky you'll discover that your partner will be your perfect partner in D/s... But how long it takes for him to get there, and how far he's willing to go is up to him.

 I'm being bothered by a Dominant who wants to become involved with me and I'm just not interested, how do I reject him?
Well, if you've already told him that you're not interested and he still hasn't acquired a clue you're going to have to hit him with a clue-by-four. Tell him in no uncertain terms to get lost (if you're feeling really helpful you might want to give him GPS directions on where to go and how to get there).
Some submissive women advocate the "Just tell him politely and nicely..." Me? I don't really see the need to be polite or nice to someone who isn't respecting your decision.

 Do Dominants really "loan out" their submissives?
There are Dominants and submissives who feel that this activity is rewarding for them on some level and so they choose to engage in it as part of their dynamic. "Loaning out" or "sharing" is not something that happens in all D/s relationships though, and if it would work for you and your Dominant is something you'll have to figure out together.

 Do I have to talk about myself using odd phrases like "this girl" or "this slave" all the time or can I just use "I"?
Like sharing this is something that's up to the people involved in the relationship. Some submissives and their Dominant partners like it, others don't If you want to use it, or not use it, is something you need to might want to discuss, but you don't HAVE to do it.

 I'd like to go to a party but I'm worried about being touched or bossed around by random Dominants, what can I do about this?
In general it's usually considered bad form to touch someone or try to dominate them when they don't belong to you. This sort of behavior is not acceptable (unless you like it) and if it makes you uncomfortable you should feel more than free to speak to the gathering's host, hostess, or who ever is in charge of keeping an eye on the festivities.

 Do I need to "prove" that I'm worthy to serve a Dominant?
On one hand this is a little insulting, this "prove yourself" idea... But on the other hand, if you think about it, while you're "proving" how worthy you are of a Dominant, he should also be proving how worthy he is of your service. It's good to remember that these things can go both ways.

 I work as a teacher (or some other public service job), how can I hide marks, disguise a collar, have a social life online without "outing" myself?
When you work in a job where it's important to keep your private life very private things can get tricky. You want to embrace your relationship dynamic, but you have to act a certain way at work... It's helpful to think that a collar is but a symbol, and anything can be a collar. A pretty necklace, a bracelet, or a ring would fit in with a professional job. Marks can be covered with clothes or makeup (Sephora makes an excellent concealer, it'll even cover tattoos). And if you want to participate on an online community it's best to remember that the less identifying information you have on your profile, the harder it is for someone to say, "OMG! That's my son's TEACHER!!!"
Yeeeeaah... Awkward.

 What should I do if my needs are not being met?
The exact same thing you should do in a vanilla relationship if you find that you feel something is lacking; You talk about it without sounding accusatory. Ex: "I feel like I'm missing something." NOT "You're doing this wrong", and you listen to what your partner has to say about it. Communication is an important part of any relationship, so important that you might even want to call it a vital part of a relationship. If you don't talk about it, the lack won't correct itself.

 My Dominant has been slacking in the Dom department, I don't know what's wrong. How can I fix this?
Again, you talk to him about it. It could be that he's sick, feeling pressured at work, or he might just need a break from D-Time. There are a lot of things that could be wrong but you'll never know what the issue is if you don't ask him.

 As a submissive, do I have any responsibilities?
You do have responsibilities. Some of those will be obvious (following your Dom's orders and requests to take care of him or yourself) and some of them will be the same kind you've always had (paying bills, going to work, washing the dog). Being a submissive doesn't mean that you abdicate taking responsibility for yourself, your life and your happiness.

 I called a fellow submissive "sister" the other day and she took my head off? What did I do wrong?
You didn't do anything wrong per se, but some people are rather picky about others presuming that a relationship exists between them just because of this one thing in they have in common. Other folks reserve the word sister for their actual blood kin or other very close female friends and if you don't fall into one of those categories you're not their "sister" and they might not be happy with you claiming a title they reserve for special women in their lives. In the interest of keeping your head attached firmly to your neck where it belongs, it's probably safest if you stay away from the "sister" word and stick with another term, like "fellow submissives."

 Do I have to shave "done there"?
No, you don't have to do anything, much less shave your nether regions if you don't want to, but if you're vehemently opposed to below the belt grooming it's a good idea to discuss this with a prospective partner. Also- If you like a partner to practice "manscaping" (really cuts down on the hairballs and amount of pubes you get between your teeth) talking about his grooming habits might be something to discuss as well.

 Do you ever feel bad when your Dominant takes care of you? Isn't it our job to take care of them?
You know, if I get sick or I'm troubled or if something bad happens, I want a partner who is going to be sensitive to that and act accordingly because in my mind that's what a good partner does. The fact that he might identify as a Dominant doesn't mean that I think he should never to do anything for me when I need it (or even if he's just feeling nice and wants to do something nice). And in all actuality, he enjoys getting a chance to take care of me because more often than not I'm the one taking care of him.

 How do I tell my family and friends that I like being a submissive?
My mom is the only vanilla person outside of my relationship who knows about what Cookie and I do, and even then she only knows in the vaguest possible way. I told her because we have a dream that I shared with her because I wanted her input on a few factors, and it's come in helpful as she was present when I was writing this blog. But my mom's rather open-minded and I wasn't too concerned that she'd react badly.
I think an important thing to think of when considering telling your vanilla family and friends about your D/s activities is this: Are you doing it for them or are you doing it for you? Is knowing about your dynamic going to add to their life in a positive manner?
I know people like to share the things that are important to them, but to me there's a limit about what we should share and people that we should not share with. It's up to you to decide that for yourself and decide the way that sharing that information would cause them the least distress or awkwardness.

 I'm so jealous of other submissives or women my Dominant interacts with, is this OK?
Jealousy happens to the best of us, especially if we think we have someone wonderful who other women may covet (I call these women "Cookie's groupies"). I don't know how to prevent jealousy or to make it go away entirely but it what helps me when I'm in the grip of the green-eyed monster is this: I think to myself, "Self," (because I'm a little schizto like that), "am I being an irrational twat or is there something here I need to be concerned about?" If I'm being irrational I acknowledge the fact that this feeling is just plain silly and I try to ignore it. If though, there is something pinging my "Something Shady" radar I pay attention to it. I try not to get worked up or to act like a maniac, but I do keep an eye on whatever is causing the issue.
And though some folks might say that jealousy is an insecurity issue, I'm going to argue that- I'm not insecure about my relationship, I trust that Cookie would verbally bitch slap any female who didn't respect our relationship, he's kinda awesome like that... What I don't trust are other women who don't give a fig about my relationship with him and could try to instill that seed of doubt in my head. Doubt is a nasty thing and I'd really rather nip their machinations in the bud before things can get to that stage.

 Why do you call your Dominant "Cookie"?
Because he's the root of all that's evil. And if you just got the Bloodhound Gang reference there I'm awarding you 100 bonus points which are good for absolutely nothing! Woo!