What, Exactly, Is This Submission Business?
Submission is a rather simple idea, it's when one person decides to let another person, sometimes known as a Dominant, have some amount of authority over their life. Sometimes a D/s relationship is referred to as a Power Exchange Dynamic, or an Authority Transfer Dynamic which are just fancy sounding names for a simple concept. What complicates this simple idea is the fact that everybody does it differently and some of them feel the need to dictate to others what is right and wrong.
What is submission about?
Ideally, your submission ought to be about finding out what fulfills you in a relationship and satisfies both you and your partner. You should get something good out of your submission, oh hell, you should get A LOT of good out of your submission. Unfortunately a lot of people have a really skewed idea of what submission ought to be and that's the view we get fed and believe in until someone else comes along and points out all the good things that submission can be and what it shouldn't be about.
So if submission is all about finding your happy, fulfillment, realization of truth of self, etc... What isn't it about? What bunk has the popular media and fantasy erotica writers fed us that we need to purge from our systems?
It's not about forcing yourself to be something you're not because someone else tells you that's what is "the right way" or "The true way" or any other similar bit of drivel. If you have absolutely no desire to be beat on a regular basis, then someone who says that the only way to be a "true" submissive is to constantly sport bruises that won't let you sit for a week comes along you don't have to listen to them. At all. Ever.
It's not about being a martyr and the idea that "If you enjoy it, then it's not submission" is hogwash. Of course you should enjoy it! Of course it should be rewarding to you! Otherwise, what's the point? Who wants to do something that makes them miserable all the time and doesn't add anything positive to their life? Not me, and not most submissives I suspect.
It's not about losing your identity, your thoughts, your very self to become a doormat for some Domly Dom to wipe his feet on. You can be a confident, out-going, opinionated, and awesome submissive. You can be you in all of your wondrous glory.
It's certainly not about The 9 Levels of Submission or the totally unrealistic 128 Slave Rules, that stuff is malarkey written by folks with too much time on their hands and very vivid imaginations. Especially the 128... I mean, come on, there's even a rule about how to read them. I suspect that my intense disliking for the 128 comes from the fact that there are people who treat them like the Holy Grail of Submission and expect everybody else to think the same way they do... And that's illogical.
It's not about taking everything so seriously, all the time, that you forget why you thought it was a good idea to explore your submission in the first place. Yes, there is a time and place for serious business, but there's also a time and place for laughter and enjoyment.
It's not about anything but what you think it should be about.
It's about you.
So I identify as a submissive, that's easy right?Sadly for those of us who identify as some sort of submissive it doesn't often remain that simple. Why? Because people like to complicate things and stuff themselves into little labeled boxes and stuff others into little labeled boxed, and snark at anybody who doesn't quite fit into the little labeled box that has been prepared for them. So before I move on to the different styles of submission I'd like you to remember one thing- The ONLY RIGHT WAY TO SUBMIT IS THE WAY THAT FEELS RIGHT TO YOU (and it only has to be right for you, it doesn't have to work for anybody else, and it probably won't work for anybody else but you). Got that? Cool. Let's carry on then.
It should be that simple, it would be nice if it was that simple, but why should something be simple when it can be complicated? And those little boxes help identify us to other people who like the little boxes, or labels and identifiers do serve a purpose but because nothing ever means the same thing to everybody, it gets confusing at times.
First, so you have a reference to how the labels are used, I'll explain what I am.
I am an owned 24/7 submissive.That's my label. It give people some idea of how I live my life and lets them know how to relate to me. It's not entirely accurate because it leaves a great many things out, but for an introduction it does its' job fairly well. Except now, especially if you're brand-new to this sort of thing, you might be scratching your head thinking "What the hell is she talking about? I'm so confused." It happens, we were all new and confused and scratching our heads at some point in time.Owned means I belong to somebody. The somebody in this case being the ever-wonderful Cookie, he's my Dominant.24/7 means that I am submissive to him all the time. There isn't a time when he's not The Boss and I'm not his submissive.Submissive is what I identify as, opposed to any other s-type label. It's pretty much the most general label you can have, most of the other labels are fairly specific even though there will be a bit of grey area in and around them.
It sounds fancy, like I'm some uber-submissive with a pricey degree from Super Submissive University (where I rushed the submissive sorority with the biggest, wickedest paddles), but it's really pretty simple when you break it down... Which probably still isn't helping you much so I'll cut the babble and get on with it.
Submission is really an umbrella term as it covers a lot of different labels and definitions for those labels. Submission is what we do. Each and every one of us submit some part of our authority to another person in some way, shape, or form. Our label is indicative of how we chose to submit to our partner.
There are a lot of different labels out there, some that people just made up, some that are general usage and easily recognized by others. You can be what ever kind of submissive you want to be, but if you decide to neatly print "Super Awesome Squiggly Whatsit Hoodly Sub" on your box, don't be surprised if everybody you meet asks you exactly what that means.
Bottom- A bottom is usually a person who only submits for a short period or time if they submit at all. A bottom is someone who likes having things done to them, they might like impact play, they might like being tied up, they might enjoy being pelted with jelly beans. The point is, they're the person who receives the action, they don't do the action to anybody else, and because for quite a few things they can't do whatever the desired activity is to themselves they have a partner who can take care of those needs.
Some submissives are Bedroom Only submissives. They enjoy giving their partner control but they only relinquish that control during sex, hence the name. It can be great fun and a good way to spice up your love life or introduce your partner to D&s as D/s by itself in the bedroom isn't very threatening (That's what crops are for! OoO...). There might be rules and rituals but they don't extend to life beyond the room where the bed is located. Quite a few D/s relationships start in the bedroom and when both partners find that they really, really enjoy what's going on they often extend the dynamic to include more of their life.
A Service submissive is someone whose submission is strictly centered around providing services for her dominant, she might cook, clean, run errands, or host events for her dominant but her fulfillment comes from doing things for him and making his life easier in those ways. Many other forms of submission include some service, but they also usually include sex. Sex in itself can be a service but Service submissives generally do not enjoy the sexual aspect of D/s or kinky play.Littles are submissives who enjoy connecting with a younger, more innocent, part of themselves. They enjoy the things most of us left behind when we abandoned our childhoods. Dress-up, tea parties, new boxes of crayons, and stuffed toys... The trappings of youth. Littles can be any age, but most identify as an age before puberty hit. They enjoy a father figure to guide, nurture, and care for them as they "grow."
If you strongly identify as a puppy, kitten, or some other domestic animal you might be a pet. There is a great deal of unique styles when it comes to pet play because the pets are individuals. Common themes do exist though, puppies might like to play ball, fetch, lick, and eat out of bowls. Kittens are adorable and cuddly but have an independent streak and wicked claws. Some pets play as an animal as often as they can, others just enjoy pet activities once in a while.
A brat is a highly debated label and people tend to either love them or hate them. Brats are smart asses, defiant, and often give their Dominants a good deal of flack. They push boundaries, poke at rules, and blow raspberries in the face of authority... Dominants tend to hate this submissive because they're not what a "proper" submissive should be, or they love them because brats are feisty and fun to struggle with. Like any other style of submission there are degrees of brattiness, from mild once-in-a-while flare-ups, to being a pain in the ass all of the time. Most brats don't have any desire to make their Dominant miserable so they walk a fine line walking the Dominant's boundary line, pushing but not being out-right disrespectful.Masochists like pain. If it hurts, it's a good thing, which isn't odd as pain and pleasure are closely related in our brains. Too much pleasure can be painful, too much pain can be pleasurable. How much hurt and what kind of hurt is a good thing is entirely up to the submissive in question.
Also: It is entirely possible to be a submissive and not have any desire to play with pain. The myth that ALL submissives like pain, or that you're not a real submissive if you don't like pain is a pile of steaming horse droppings.
Other folks just identify as a submissive. Sometimes this means that they have an authority transfer dynamic, something a bit more intensive than bedroom only play, but it's not quite as involved as 24/7 can be. It might mean that they've given their Dominant the authority to manage their finances, or decide what clothes they wear, or how they style their hair, but they have authority when it comes to home decorating decisions and they're not submissive outside of their private, together time. "submissive" is the broadest, most general category there is because it's so unspecified.
A 24/7 submissive submits to her Dominant's authority all day, every day, no matter where they are or what they're doing. I'm 24/7 and what that means to me is that Cookie is always the Dom and I am always the sub. There are parts of my life that I retain authority over, but those things are few and far between. We didn't get to this point right away, and there's been a great deal of communication between us so that our relationship works for us. I'm not going to say that trying to do 24/7 right off the bat will fail because I don't know that, but for someone who is just learning about their submission starting slow and working your way up will ensure that you start building a firm foundation for your dynamic.TPE is the anagram for Total Power Exchange. There's no lee-way on this one, it is exactly what it sounds like. The dominant partner is the one with all the authority in the dynamic. Most TPE submissives that I know or hear about have lives that their dominant's micro-manage, the dominant decides everything in their life from when they go to sleep and wake up to where they work, what they eat, and where they're allowed to shop.
I've tried TPE for a weekend (I lost a bet) and for a weekend it was fun, Cookie enjoyed having that much control and I enjoyed his bossiness... But to be quite honest, by the end of the weekend I was ready for it to be over. It's not something that I could do all the time and I'm a little in awe of the ladies who can give that much authority to their partners.
Slave- There is no clear consensus on how exactly a slave in the BDSM world differs from a submissive, but I'm including it here because a slave also submits her authority to another. Some people's views on a slave is that it's not any different from a TPE submissive. Some folks claim that unlike submissives who can renegotiate their dealings with their Dom, slaves get one shot to negotiate, while others say there's no negotiation at all beyond hard limits. Some folks say slaves cannot have hard limits. Regardless, what other people say doesn't matter much, the only definition that matters is the one the individual and her partner agree upon.
It's confusing, even for someone who's been involved with kink for years. The only thing that is TRUE for BDSM slavery is that it is not a legally binding arrangement. In the USA you can claim to be a slave and have no rights to your little heart's content, but that does not mean that you have no rights under law. If you chose to ignore your rights, that your business, but they still exist. This view sometimes annoys (to put it mildly) the die-hard BDSM slaves because it screws with their idea of themselves and their dynamic, but their views don't negate the law of the land.
A wise woman I know of on a website I belong to refers to these styles of submission as orientations, and I want to share what she thinks about the subject because her points are usually spot on,'This is why I have different "orientations" within submission, some are more obedience oriented (they like being trained and given orders to follow) some are more control oriented (they like rituals and being passive), some are more service oriented (they like doing things and assisting in tasks), and some are more pleasure oriented (they like having fun and being entertaining)." - Liz
What with there being so much grey area in submission styles I thought it might be nice for you to know that you don't have to be just one thing. Much like your self has many different facets, your submissive identity can have facets too. You don't have to make yourself fit into a little labeled box to make identifying who you are easier on others unless that's what you want to do.
So, if you were at all like me when I was shiny-bright and new to submission, you were wondering where you fit in exactly. Hopefully now you have some limits and you have the beginning of an identity, if you didn't have one already. Are you ready to play yet? If you're smart... Perhaps. You could probably survive amongst the wild doms and other fauna. But I know that these were not your only questions and my information has probably just added to the questions you already had. No worries, I'll get to those, and probably add more along the way... (feel free to insert evil, maniacal laughter here)
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