A View From The Bottom

Another guy (I cannot remember his name) posted a writing that his submissive did on what submission was to her- I thought it was interesting and decided to fill it out like one of those old surveys on MySpace because I'm bored and because I think that the more examples of real-life submission (Vs. Unrealistic Erotica Submission) that are available to inexperienced subs the more easily they can grasp that the only right way to do "it" is what works for them and their relationship.

So, in Old School MySpace fashion, my version of A View From The Bottom:

Submission- The act of allowing another person/s to have some amount of authority over yourself and your life.

Submissive- One who submits to another's authority.

Those are the most generalized (and probably over-simplified) definitions I can think of for the act of being someone's little s, and if you take away all of the trappings that can accompany submission in any given dynamic (the rules, the toys, the collars and cuffs, the punishments and protocols) what is left- The common denominator in all D/s relationships or dynamics (I think, I may be wrong) is authority. The dominant partner has more authority than the submissive partner.

Beyond that submission is probably going to look different for every person who practices it. Some folks might want their partner to have more authority over them, some might want them to have less authority, and all of them will probably experience that authority in a different way in different aspects of their life.

Keeping your Dom happy:

I don't think that it's possible to write a how-to on "How To Keep Your Domly One Happy" because with dominants (and submissives) it's not a one-size fits all sort of scenario- What makes your Dom happy might not make my Dom happy and might make that other Dom over there completely miserable.

And before I continue I'd like to interject something- I don't think it's possible to actually make or keep someone happy. Happiness comes from within, I make myself happy. Relying on someone else to make me happy is rather silly and it's a lot of pressure to put on another person, a lot of responsibility to put on their shoulders... I prefer to say that my happiness is my responsibility and I make myself happy (because I am happy with me)- But Cookie contributes to my happiness as I contribute to his. That said:

I can tell you how I contribute to my Domly One's happiness, but I fear it will be incredibly disappointing because it's not rocket science and it's actually the same thing I'd do in any vanilla relationship to keep a partner happy... I just pay attention to him. I pay attention to the things he says and the things he doesn't say. I pay attention to his wants and needs and I try my best to provide for those wants and needs whenever possible. I make him feel like he matters; which is what I think the root of his Dominance is- He just wants to feel like he matters. His bossiness is just an extension of that desire to matter, to be heard, to have his wishes taken into consideration... So doing those things, allowing him to have authority over me, it contributes to his fulfillment in our relationship and his sense of well-being (And it's a great trade-off because his willingness to assume the majority of the authority in our relationship contributes a great deal to my well-being and fulfillment. It's rather symbiotic).

Dealing with being submissive:

I think people deal with two different aspects when it comes to submission-
The first aspect is managing a submissive personality which sometimes can make it difficult to assert one's self when basic relationship needs are not being met. I can't really speak about that because a submissive personality, I'm not (I'm more a Type A Control Freak who's assertive as fuck).
The second aspect is reconciling a submissive orientation (meaning that a person finds fulfillment in being the person with less authority in a relationship) with societal and familial expectations. THAT I can talk about because it can be damn hard, especially when you're new and unsure about yourself.

Society and family (friends too) can place a lot of pressure on a person to be 100%- You know, to be a Doctor-Lawyer-Indian Chief, to be 100% equal in a relationship, to NOT submit to anybody ever because it's not politically correct. Men and women who are submissive deal with these issues differently- Men because they're expected to be all manly and shit and take charge and lead and stuff... Being a submissive man must be hard I think because it's going against centuries of stereotypical male behavior. And women? Most of us have grown up with the message that we're not supposed to be submissive to a man because our Feminist fore-mothers fought to free us from male oppression. We're supposed to do it all and have it all and being the partner with less authority in a relationship or life in general isn't supposed to be what we want.

It was hard for me to deal with that. I felt very conflicted for a long time because of social expectations and my own family's expectations for me. It wasn't until I had some sort of epiphany moment- A moment where I said, "Fuck them. They do NOT get to define my happiness, my life, or my relationship because they're not living my life, I AM!" that things slid into place for me. And that's not to say it's always so zen and easy, I still have moments where I feel like I'm doing it wrong, but it's easier to manage when I remember that I'm the only person who gets to define how I live my life.

When your Dom is also your significant other:

Here's another area where I don't think it's possible to write a how-to guide because all relationships are different. Some folks limit the scope of their dynamics (bedroom only, weekend only, etc), some folks will do it 24/7 and have days "off", some folks switch, other folks never take a break. There's no one right way to do it, and I think that it sometimes takes some trial and error to figure out what will work a relationship (and sometimes you get lucky and it's perfect from the get-go).

In my relationship I don't differentiate between being Cookie's wife and his submissive, for me they're all just part of who I am (See: http://www.bdsmfriendbook.com/blog/567/analogy-fai... for how I view being a bunch of different things, sub/wife/mom/etc all at the same time). No matter what we're doing, where we are, or who we're around the authority transfer that defines our D/s is always there. Sometimes it's just more obvious than others.

I think though, that the thing that makes it possible for me to submit to his authority all the time, without a break, is that we see our D/s the same way we would view any other relationship. We realize that for us to be successful that there is a give and take and it's not always a one-way street. Sure, I might "give" more often than he does, but he's a smart cookie and he realizes that as much fun as the relationship is when it's all about him, sometimes it needs to be all about me. Sometimes I need his support or I need him to care for me and he's willing to see to my needs. That doesn't mean that he's not the Dom, it just means that the focus of the relationship shifts occasionally. He might be running to the store to buy me some medicinal Ben & Jerry's, or he might be sending me off to have a girl's night, or he might be watching the kids so I can nap... But he's still the Dom. He's just a really nice Dom who cares about his submissive's well-being. He's also a really nice husband who cares about his wife's well-being, and a really nice best friend who cares about his beastie's well-being, and a really nice guy who cares about his girl's well-being.

For anybody else? I have no clue what it will take to make being significant others AND D/s work other than the "normal" vanilla things that a person would use in any relationship to keep that relationship healthy- Trust, honesty, loyalty, communication, and compromise when needed. And fun... What's the point of it all if you're not enjoying it on some level?

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And now I'm done pontificating. Thanks to the girl who wrote the first essay (that I perverted into a survey) and her guy for posting it. It was great food for thought. I'd be tickled to see other people fill it out as a survey- I'm curious about what other people think about their submission and their relationships. I think it's my inner voyeur coming out.

Standard disclaimer: This is what works for me and my relationship. If it helps someone else, great, but it's not The One True Way nor is it meant to be. Rock on with your own bad self and your style of submission/dominance, YMMV.