How To Be Good

I've skulked around plenty of websites devoted to kink, and it used to be pretty rare that I would participate no matter how much I enjoyed reading. Why was this? Part of it might have been due to the fact that I'm a somewhat private person, but I think most of it was because of the plethora of posts devoted to What Makes A Good sub or How To Be A Good sub or any of a million other titles on basically the same topic.

So back in the day, when the interweb was still a shiny new thing (to me anyways) and I was doing my skulking thing and looking for information on what I deep-down knew I was (namely, a submissive sort of female), I was a little uncomfortable with what I found... Hell, I'll be honest, I freaked right the hell out. In fact, the last time I was that freaked out was when I was 11 and my mom handed me a book that informed me that soon I was going to start bleeding like a stuck pig for probably a week at a time, every month, and this bleeding thing was going to last THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I mean, I didn't think it was that big of a deal, being submissive. I had the thought in my head that I'd like for a nice boy to boss me around and we'd have fun and play, he'd be the boss and I wouldn't, and life would be all hearts-flowers-and-rainbow-shitting-unicorns.

So, anyways, I started skulking and reading and HOLY HELL... In order to be good I had to be a doormat? I didn't get to have an opinion? Some guy thought he had the right to beat on me and do whatever he wanted and what I wanted didn't matter? Talking was a bad thing? I had to ask permission to poo? Eeek!

"Oh, no way, no how, not happening." said my brain. If that's what being good took, I wasn't having any of it. Not only did it not sound like any fun, it offended the very core of what I was (besides submissive). So I gave up. If I had to chose between being snarky, independent, brilliant, opinionated, strong-willed, and ME, or being none of those things (which was the idea most of those "Good sub" posts conveyed), I was sticking with Me.

And perhaps there are subs out there like that, the ones who can totally subjugate themselves to another's will and be fulfilled and happy doing it. Hey, more power to them. But I think it's rather limiting to ignore the rest of us who don't fall into that style of submission or to even say we're not good enough or we're not "true" submissives (BTW, I don't believe in "true" anything. It's like claiming that there's only black or white while ignoring all shades of grey). It's an opinion, not fact. It's sad that it is passed off as fact though because it's probably turned-off a fair amount of people from exploring another aspect of themselves because they were unsure, scared, or they didn't care for the idea of giving up all other aspects of themselves just so they could be "Good."

Me? I am a sub. My Manperson, the beloved Cookie (aka The Boss or Sir when I'm being a snark-filled asshole- As in "You, Sir, are a weenie!"), likes me the way that I am. He appreciates that I'm strong and independent, he loves my brilliant mind and snarkiness, and it makes him smug and self-satisfied when he bends my will to his Man Wiles, and he's ok with the fact that if I were angered enough I could kick his ass in a fair fight.

Cookie doesn't care to be called "master," it's just not his cup of tea. He's sweet and funny, and we can spend hours dreaming out loud to each other. He is my very best friend in the whole wide world. He's also difficult, a control freak, and A Very Bad Man. I call him the Boss because he's earned my trust, loyalty, respect, and love. He doesn't want a stereotype, he wants me, his bad sub.

We don't fit the stereotypes or the wank-fodder fantasy version of D/s that dictates what we ought to be (he has no interest in wiping his feet on me and highly suspects that I would thump him but good if he tried), but what we do fit is each other. And I suspect this is how it ought to work for us, two people cherishing or enjoying each other for all aspects of their selves, not just for one label they happen to possess.

How to be good is something that we figured out together, it's not some formula dictated by folks who don't know us, it's not something that can be found in a list of rules on the internet written by other folks for other folks. Being good is simply something that every individual has to determine for themselves and their relationship.

(Yeah, I got ranted at on another site by some douche weasel because I am such a bad sub and my Dom is doing an awful job at being domly, and I got a little riled. This is the result of this vituperance)